Podcast Summary: "Am I a Good Mother-in-Law? And Other Questions That Save Families"

Podcast: Becoming You with Suzy Welch
Host: Suzy Welch
Guest: Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
Date: December 16, 2025
Episode Theme: Navigating Family Dynamics and Values During the Holidays

Episode Overview

This episode of Becoming You dives into one of the trickiest aspects of family life: navigating the relationship between parents-in-law and their married children, particularly during the high-pressure holiday season. Suzy Welch, with help from psychologist Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, explores the often delicate dance of boundaries, values, individuation, and compassion in blended families. Together, they discuss strategies for fostering healthy relationships and managing differences in values, especially during family gatherings.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What Makes a "Good" Mother-in-Law?

[01:47—03:39]

• Dr. Dalgleish: A good mother-in-law supports the couple as a unit ("the couple as a 'we'"), respects boundaries, and doesn't take independence as personal rejection.

  “You would be able to see the couple as a we... encourage them to turn to each other. You would not take their boundaries, desires, and wishes personal as an offense to you...” (Dr. Dalgleish, 01:47)

• Suzy calls her daughters-in-law for live feedback, each rates her above "A plus," reinforcing the importance of meaningful connection and gratitude in family relationships.

2. The Transition to "Healthy Separation"

[04:43—06:48]

• Dr. Dalgleish explains the concept of individuation: helping children become independent is the actual goal, though it may trigger questions about the parent’s continued role.

  “You are what we would describe as someone who's created healthy individuation and separation and autonomy, and that is our goal as parents.” (Dr. Dalgleish, 05:15)

• Suzy reflects candidly on letting go, sharing personal stories of transitioning as sons start their own families and the adjustment required.

3. Curiosity vs. Rigidity

[07:27—08:41]

• Healthy relationships across generations are built on curiosity—not rigidity or control.

  “Out of insecurity, we lose curiosity. And so instead, to protect ourselves, we armor up and bring in rigidity, control...” (Dr. Dalgleish, 07:54)

• Suzy and Dr. Dalgleish advocate for asking about and honoring each other’s values.

4. Understanding Family Dynamics at the Holidays

[08:41—11:48]

• Suzy and Dr. Dalgleish discuss how holidays become flashpoints for value clashes and create stress, often placing spouses in the middle.

  “The holidays bring up all this stuff... And then the stress often comes out in the marriage... The husband and the wife have the fight.” (Suzy, 09:56)

• Dr. Dalgleish highlights how daughters-in-law are often scapegoated when family traditions change.

5. The VAULT Method for Navigating Family

[12:06—13:41]

• Dr. Dalgleish introduces her five-step VAULT method:
  • Values: Clarify shared and individual values.
  • Aspirations: Set realistic goals for family engagement.
  • Understand triangles: Recognize and step out of stress-driven family triangles.
  • Limits and boundaries: Get on the same team.
  • Take action: Anticipate, act, adjust.
• Suzy draws parallels with her “three Ds” approach (Default, Deliberation, Design), emphasizing intentional living over reactive behavior.

6. Practical Strategies in Family Conflict

[15:38—16:58]

• “Same team” mentality: Suzy shares a moving example of her son and daughter-in-law reminding each other during stressful moments.

  “They looked at each other and said to each other, same team. They said it at the same time. And then they fist bumped.” (Suzy, 14:43)

• Dr. Dalgleish notes that couples can have different values and still operate as “we versus the problem.”

7. Navigating Mismatched Values in Couples and Extended Family

[16:58—19:34]

• Suzy shares experiences from her value alignment work with couples. Some thrive despite differences; others find it a struggle.
• Dr. Dalgleish adds that it’s about negotiation and individual choice. If values fundamentally clash, open discussion is crucial.

  “Only you can decide... it depends on how you can negotiate and come to the table with it.” (Dr. Dalgleish, 18:12)

8. Coping Strategies: “Dropping the Rope” & Compassion

[20:20—23:09]

• Real-life example: A wife responds to a politically provocative text from her family with a simple heart emoji, illustrating “dropping the rope”—opting out of conflict.

  “Every time you go in and hoping mom or dad or mother in law will be different... that's you pulling the rope... Instead, put the rope down. Just drop it.” (Dr. Dalgleish, 22:50)

• The goal is to recognize your own agency, conserve energy, and show love over needless argument.

9. Inner Child Wounds and Role Patterns

[19:41—20:22]

• Dr. Dalgleish discusses how the roles we played as children (peacemaker, golden child, caregiver) can re-emerge at family gatherings, influencing how we experience and respond to value differences.

10. Compassionate Self-Awareness

[26:11—27:01]

• The episode returns consistently to curiosity and compassion, both toward one’s self and family.

  “The whole becoming you methodology is about compassionate self awareness... and then we extend it to those around us.” (Suzy, 26:24)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On supporting new family units:
  • “You would be able to see the couple as a we and you encourage them to turn to each other... knowing that it's not their job to please you and to care for all of your feelings.” (Dr. Dalgleish, 01:47)
• On the pain and reward of letting go:
  • “When I saw my sons go off into the sunset with their wives, I wept from joy... There's someone else's problem now. Am I weird?” (Suzy, 05:01)
• On how insecurity shuts down growth:
  • “Out of insecurity, we lose curiosity.” (Dr. Dalgleish, 07:54)
• The “same team” mantra:
  • “They looked at each other and said to each other, same team. They said it at the same time. And then they fist bumped.” (Suzy, 14:43)
• On “dropping the rope”:
  • “Every time you go in hoping mom or dad or mother in law will be different at the family table, that's you pulling the rope... Instead, put the rope down. Just drop it.” (Dr. Dalgleish, 22:50)
• On compassionate family navigation:
  • “First we understand ourselves and then we go, okay, now I get they've got their story too... I've got to let them write the story of their life as I've written mine.” (Suzy, 26:24)
• Closing wisdom:
  • “People are often predictable and consistent. Our values don't tend to change overnight. So if you have bumped up against your family member with a certain value, prepare yourself for that with kindness and compassion.” (Dr. Dalgleish, 27:01)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:47] — What makes a good mother-in-law?
• [03:28] — Daughters-in-law give live feedback
• [05:15] — Healthy individuation and letting go
• [07:44] — Curiosity vs. rigidity and insecurity
• [09:56] — Holidays as flashpoints and the impact on marriages
• [12:06] — The VAULT method walkthrough
• [14:43] — “Same team” in the face of stress
• [16:58] — Can you have different values and be on the same team?
• [18:12] — Are different core values a relationship dealbreaker?
• [20:20] — Real-life: Dropping the rope during political family conflict
• [22:50] — Compassion and agency; the “drop the rope” metaphor
• [26:11] — Compassionate self-awareness and closing thoughts

Tone & Takeaways

This episode is candid, warm, and often humorous—true to Suzy Welch’s engaging style. Both Suzy and Dr. Dalgleish deliver compassionate, practical advice without sugarcoating the challenges. The conversation weaves personal anecdotes with research-backed strategies, advocating for intentionality, curiosity, and compassion as the antidotes to family stress.

Recommended Strategies:

• Center conversations around values, not just logistics or traditions.
• Use curiosity, not judgment, to understand differences.
• Intentionally practice letting go—“drop the rope.”
• Recognize your own patterns and roles, and step out of automatic family scripts.
• Foster “same team” language in partnerships.
• Prepare for predictable value differences with kindness and agency.

For more from Dr. Tracy Dalgleish:

• Website: drtracyd.com
• Social: @DrTracyD

This episode is “must-hear” listening for anyone entering a family gathering this season—especially those wondering how to be a “good” in-law or how to survive value clashes with grace.