Podcast Summary

Podcast: Becoming You with Suzy Welch
Episode: Can You Love Someone Without Losing Yourself? (with Erin and Abe Lichy)
Date: October 21, 2025
Host: Suzy Welch (NYU Stern Professor, Author)
Guests: Erin and Abe Lichy (Businesswoman, "Real Housewife," Attorney, Entrepreneurs)

Episode Overview

In this lively and candid episode, Suzy Welch guides married couple Erin and Abe Lichy (and listeners) through her "Becoming Us" methodology—a spin on her well-known self-discovery tools from NYU. Using the "Values Bridge" test, Suzy helps Erin and Abe explore whether two people can love and build a life together without sacrificing their core selves or losing authenticity.

The central question: Can you maintain your individuality and purpose while in a committed relationship? The trio openly discuss values, compatibility, challenges, and growth—offering listeners a mirror for their own relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing the Methodology and the Guests

• Suzy introduces her "Becoming You" values-finding approach, explaining how couples have adapted it for joint self-discovery ("Becoming Us") ([00:06–03:34]).
• Erin and Abe are described as "multi-hyphenates"—with Erin juggling business, media, a cookbook, décor brand, and four kids; Abe as businessman, lawyer, and partner in these ventures ([01:48]).

2. Relationship Foundations

• Erin and Abe met through mutual friends at a bar, recognizing their connection early on ([05:05–05:33]).
• They reflect on their partnership evolving amid career changes, public attention, and parenting four children ([06:40]).

3. Personal Values: Self-Discovery Results

• Suzy administers the "Values Bridge" tool live, exploring both the ranking of their core values and the "authenticity gap"—how closely they're living up to these values ([03:36–09:42]).
• Abe's top values:
  • Voice (authentic self-expression, 40% gap): He’s striving for more authenticity ([09:42]).
  • Family centrism: Family as a central organizing force.
  • Belovedness: Romantic partnership, with a high priority to marriage.
  • Radius (desire to change the world, 100% gap): Feels unfulfilled in world-changing contribution.
• Erin's top values:
  • Luminance (fame, 50% gap): Values public impact, sees fame as a platform for purpose ([13:59], [14:14]).
  • Eudaimonia (self-care, leisure): Struggles to prioritize personal well-being ([15:17], [15:28]).
  • Affluence (security/wealth): Desires financial security, feels a gap ([15:41]).
  • Cosmos (spirituality/religion): Meaningful but not dominant ([16:00]).
  • Achievement: Visible success, driven by impact ([16:00]).

4. Comparing and Complementing Values

• Suzy notes that having identical values isn’t necessary; complementary values often lead to more harmony ([17:44], [18:21]).
  • Erin's pursuit of visibility complements Abe's emphasis on self-expression and support roles ([18:42], [22:22]).
• Both value eudaimonia (fun, recreation), which Suzy believes can "save the day" for marriages ([19:53–20:35]).
• Key point: Belovedness (marriage/relationship) is high for Abe, lower for Erin—mirroring broader gender trends ([20:40–21:44], [25:03–26:21]).

5. Gender Trends in Relationship Values

• Suzy shares data: Men often rank belovedness (partnership) higher than women, whose attention may shift to achievement or family ([25:42–26:21]).
• This can create feelings of underappreciation, but is solvable with honest communication about values ([27:20–28:46], [29:10], [29:19]).

6. The Challenge of Identity Amid Partnership and Parenthood

• Erin voices the struggle of not losing herself to work and motherhood—"I've completely forgotten about who I am" ([21:44], [34:49]).
• Suzy recognizes "survival mode" as common for parents, especially moms, empathizing with the quest for self-rediscovery ([35:16–36:00]).

7. Seeking Greater Purpose Together

• Both Erin and Abe experience a "radius gap"—the sense they aren’t doing enough to change the world ([31:32]).
  • Suzy encourages not to delay closing that gap: "I urge people not to postpone the closing of gaps" ([34:02]).
  • Even small joint actions towards making impact can be meaningful ([34:27]).
• The couple is challenged to find new joint ways to express that world-changing value now, not just "someday" ([34:49–35:04]).

8. Tools for Maintaining Connection and Growth

• Suzy highlights the importance of open dialogue, language around needs, and physical connection ("touch") ([29:03–29:33]).
• Both guests stress the regular check-in, humor, and shared activities (e.g., Abe surprising Erin with opera tickets) as keys to their ongoing happiness ([20:11], [36:41–36:49]).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Authenticity in Relationships:
  • "The arc of life is long and it bends towards authenticity, that we claw our way to living our values." – Suzy ([08:36])
• On Values Diversity:
  • "You don't have to necessarily have overlapping values. There are definitely values that are in conflict with each other and others that are really in harmony." – Suzy ([17:44])
• On Gender Trends:
  • "Our data would show that men care about belovedness about 70% more than women do." – Suzy ([25:42])
  • "Men want to feel more appreciated. Men value belovedness more." – Suzy ([28:46])
• On Loss of Self in Marriage and Parenting:
  • "I've completely forgotten about who I am, which we talk about all the time. Like, I just have all these big goals that I really want to achieve." – Erin ([21:44])
• On Not Waiting to Pursue Purpose:
  • "I urge people not to postpone the closing of gaps." – Suzy ([34:02])
• On Fun as the Glue:
  • "When you stop having fun with your partner, I don't really know what the point... what's the point?" – Erin ([20:16])
• On Partnership Roles:
  • "I don't have a desire to be famous... I think my role has always been more of a behind-the-scenes type of role." – Abe ([22:22])
• On Rediscovering Self:
  • "[Some mothers] are there to find out who they are again... As they are remembering and rediscovering who they are, it's like, 'I missed you.'" – Suzy ([35:16])

Timestamps for Major Segments

• [00:06] Introduction to values, Becoming Us, and guests
• [05:05] Erin and Abe’s relationship origin story
• [07:37] Initial self-assessment of values and living them day-to-day
• [09:42] Abe’s values & authenticity gaps revealed
• [13:56] Erin’s values & authenticity gaps reviewed
• [17:44] Comparing and interpreting value differences
• [20:40] Fun (eudaimonia) as a pillar of their marriage
• [21:36] Unpacking the marriage-valuing "belovedness" gap
• [25:42] Gender dynamics in valuing relationship/marriage
• [28:03] Communicating about appreciation and love languages
• [31:32] Shared longing for impact; the "radius gap"
• [34:02] Suzy encourages action, not delay, on pursuing deeper purpose
• [35:16] Rediscovering self, especially for working mothers
• [36:41] Real-life example: date night at the opera
• [37:01] Wrap-up and closing invitation to the audience

Tone & Format

The conversation is candid, humorous, and open—balancing self-disclosure, research, and practical tools. Suzy’s style is warm, direct, and validating; Erin and Abe are authentic and unguarded, inviting listeners into the messiness and joy of partnership.

Takeaways

• Values work is a transformative tool—for individuals and couples—allowing people to grow both together and apart without losing themselves.
• Complementarity may matter more than similarity in long-term happiness.
• Fun and authenticity are vital for sustaining partnership through life's complexity.
• Communication about differences and honoring each other's values are essential, especially where gendered patterns exist.
• Don't wait to pursue purpose or fulfillment; micro-steps matter now.

For more:

• Find Erin and Abe on their own podcast "Come Together" and Erin’s upcoming cookbook, She's a Host (October 28).