It’s OK To Do Scary Things in Life, Except One

Tue Jan 21 2025

You can want more in life. You can want less. You can choose to take a walk in dark and snowy woods with four crazy dogs, or you can choose to stay inside by the fire reading Jane Eyre. How edgy, wild, and exciting your life is, or how contained, chill, and peaceful it is – that choice is on you. The answer depends on your value of Scope. And the truth is, all values choices are on you. Except the choice to not live by your values at all, and just…survive. In this episode of the pod, Suzy is abducted by aliens and ends up living four months in complete chaos. OK, she wasn’t actually abducted, but she might as well have been, since this period was so divorced from what Becoming You is all about. Tune in to hear what she learned during this time apart from her longed-for self – and what she would advise anyone who also wants their life journey to be of their own design…and desire.

Summary

Becoming You with Suzy Welch: Episode Summary

Episode Title: It’s OK To Do Scary Things in Life, Except One
Release Date: January 21, 2025
Host: Suzy Welch, NYU Stern Professor and Bestselling Author

Introduction: Embracing Fear and Taking Risks

In the episode titled "It’s OK To Do Scary Things in Life, Except One," Suzy Welch delves into the intricacies of taking risks, the allure of doing "scary" things, and the fine line between ambition and overcommitment. Through personal anecdotes and philosophical insights, Suzy explores how stepping out of our comfort zones can lead to growth, while also cautioning against the pitfalls of saying "yes" too often.

The Scary Woods Walk: A Metaphor for Life's Challenges

The episode opens with Suzy recounting a nerve-wracking walk in the woods with her four dogs during a snowy morning. This experience serves as a powerful metaphor for confronting fears and navigating life's uncertainties.

Suzy Welch (00:24): "I'm definitely over my head with four dogs at one time. But I'm doing my daughter a favor. And it's scary. It's scary what I'm about to do."

Despite her fears of encountering a bear, the walk ultimately becomes a moment of reflection and resilience.

Suzy Welch (00:47): "Good news. We did not encounter a bear in the woods. Thank God."

New Year's Resolutions and the Temptation to Overcommit

Transitioning from the woods metaphor, Suzy discusses the common struggle with New Year's resolutions, emphasizing how setting overly ambitious goals can lead to disappointment.

Suzy Welch (01:20): "Maybe you didn't make resolutions because everyone knows resolutions are dumb, but your New Year's ambitions and one of the reasons we fall behind on our resolutions is because we just take on too much onto our plates at the beginning of the year."

She shares her personal challenge with saying "yes" to everything, attributing it to a shift from a period of saying "no" due to personal responsibilities and a newfound desire to live expansively.

Suzy Welch (02:00): "I'm saying yes to a lot of stuff. Also, I happen to love the people asking me to do stuff, and I love my work. And I'm a person who just wants to live very, very big."

The Three Ds Philosophy: Default, Deliberation, and Living by Design

Central to the episode is Suzy's exploration of the "Three Ds" philosophy, which outlines different approaches to living life.

Default: Living reactively without intentionality.
Deliberation: Introducing some level of intention and planning into one's life.
Living by Design: Fully embracing a purposeful and intentional lifestyle.

Suzy Welch (04:30): "Default, which really is how we all live all the time. Reactive. Events overtake us. We just sort of muddle through the day."

She advocates for moving beyond mere deliberation to living by design, where individuals have a clear theory of their life, values, and purpose.

Suzy Welch (06:00): "You really want to live with that third D of design. That's why people take Becoming You."

Overcommitment Crisis: Teaching Too Many Classes

Suzy shares a pivotal moment when her habit of saying "yes" led to an unsustainable situation. Overcommitting to teach multiple classes across various programs at NYU Stern resulted in a chaotic semester.

Suzy Welch (10:15): "I said yes to everybody. And I wasn't really paying attention... it was an epic shit show, okay?"

This experience thrust her into "survival mode," a stark contrast to her usual "living by design" approach.

Suzy Welch (12:00): "Survival mode is just to be very, you know when you're in it... I was in survival mode, I mean, I was dreaming the lectures, I couldn't even sleep without working."

From Survival Mode to Living by Design: Making a Bold Choice

Faced with the chaos of overcommitment, Suzy made a decisive choice to shift from survival mode back to living by design.

Suzy Welch (14:30): "I made a decision... Don't look up. I was just going to live the way I lived for many years, that I'm not proud of... I was in the bunker with a flak jacket on."

By focusing on the present moment and prioritizing what truly mattered, she began to regain control and align her actions with her values.

Suzy Welch (17:00): "Living by design. How good it is, how sweet it is, how it is not always available to us. But fight for it."

Understanding Values: The Importance of Scope

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to the concept of "scope" as a personal value. Scope refers to the desire for stimulation, excitement, and pushing boundaries.

Suzy Welch (19:59): "Scope is not good and it's not bad. It just is what it is. I have a high scope level, and it doesn't make me any better than somebody who's got a low scope level."

Suzy emphasizes that understanding one's scope preferences is essential for living authentically without judgment.

Suzy Welch (21:30): "One of the beautiful things about having a language around values... we don't judge anybody about it. We just say, look, we have this value called scope... We all have a right to be exactly the way we want to be."

Personal Reflections: Embracing Achievements and Accepting Failures

Suzy reflects on her inherent drive to achieve and the psychological satisfaction it brings. She ties this to her Enneagram type, identifying as an achiever who seeks recognition and claps for her accomplishments.

Suzy Welch (15:04): "Because when you achieve them, it feels really good and you grow."

However, she also shares her experiences of failure, such as attempting to obtain a PhD later in life and venturing into consulting, both of which did not pan out as expected. These stories highlight the delicate balance between pursuing ambitious goals and recognizing one's limits.

Suzy Welch (17:45): "I've done scary things. Hard things. And I've failed. Okay? I've had things not work out."

The Dachshund Parade: A Symbol of Living by Design

In a heartwarming conclusion to her woods walk metaphor, Suzy describes deciding to participate in a dachshund parade with her dog Pierre. This act symbolizes her return to intentional living and finding joy in planned, meaningful activities.

Suzy Welch (23:11): "I said, that's it, man. I'm actually. I'm gonna take my dachshund Pierre to the dachshund parade."

This decision marked her shift back to "living by design," allowing her to celebrate her achievements and embrace the life she consciously shapes.

Conclusion: Moving Forward with Purpose

As the episode wraps up, Suzy encourages listeners to strive for living by design while acknowledging that periods of survival are sometimes inevitable. She emphasizes the importance of not succumbing to default or survival modes for extended periods, advocating for a proactive approach to personal growth and fulfillment.

Suzy Welch (24:29): "Sometimes we have to... But that's no excuse to stay there. Okay?"

She also announces upcoming "Becoming You" intensives at NYU, inviting listeners to engage more deeply with the methodology she teaches.

Suzy Welch (25:00): "I really hope to see you at either one of these the one day or the three day. It'd be really fun."

Notable Quotes

Suzy Welch (00:24): "I'm doing my daughter a favor. And it's scary. It's scary what I'm about to do."
Suzy Welch (02:00): "I'm saying yes to a lot of stuff. Also, I happen to love the people asking me to do stuff, and I love my work."
Suzy Welch (04:30): "Default, which really is how we all live all the time. Reactive. Events overtaking us."
Suzy Welch (10:15): "It was an epic shit show, okay?"
Suzy Welch (14:30): "Living by design. How good it is, how sweet it is, how it is not always available to us. But fight for it."
Suzy Welch (19:59): "Scope is not good and it's not bad. It just is what it is."
Suzy Welch (23:11): "I'm gonna take my dachshund Pierre to the dachshund parade."

Final Thoughts

In "It’s OK To Do Scary Things in Life, Except One," Suzy Welch masterfully intertwines personal narrative with philosophical exploration, offering listeners both inspiration and cautionary tales. Her candid discussion about the balance between ambition and overcommitment serves as a valuable guide for anyone seeking to navigate the complexities of personal growth and intentional living.

Connect with Suzy Welch and Continue Your Journey:

For those inspired to delve deeper into the "Becoming You" methodology, Suzy announces two upcoming intensives:

Three-Day Intensive: March 21-23
One-Day Intensive: April 26

Both sessions will be held at the NYU campus and are sponsored by the NYU Stern Initiative on Purpose and Flourishing. To learn more and register, visit SuzYWELCH.com.

Produced by: Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom of Magnificent Noise
Production Staff: Muska Nagpal, Kristin Muller, Eliza Zinn, Hallie Reiner, Maddy Paul, Tanya Joji
Host: Suzy Welch

Thank you for tuning into "Becoming You with Suzy Welch." Continue exploring your purpose and designing the life you desire.

Transcript

A (0:02)

Okay, Those little foot things you hear, those are the dogs running.

B (0:07)

A little bell.

A (0:08)

That's Pierre.

B (0:10)

What you're hearing is me about to go for a walk in the woods near my weekend house during the holidays.

A (0:18)

I've got four dogs with me. It is seven in the morning.

B (0:23)

Crazy.

A (0:24)

And I'm about to enter the woods with all four dogs. I hope we don't encounter. I'm not kidding. I hope we don't encounter a bear. Anyway, walking into the woods, it's dark and the snow is coming down in my head. I'm definitely over my head with four dogs at one time. But I'm doing my daughter a favor. And it's scary. It's scary what I'm about to do. Very scary.

B (0:47)

Good news. We did not encounter a bear in the woods. Thank God. But what that walk did provide me with was an opportunity to think about why we, or specifically, I sometimes do scary things like go for a walk in very dark woods. Today on Becoming youg, I have two things I want to share. Two things. We'll return to the walk in the woods with the dogs in the second part of the show. But right now I'm looking at my calendar and we are deep into January at this point. Can you believe it already? And I'm guessing that you, like everyone else in humanity, is already falling behind on your New Year's resolutions. And maybe you didn't make resolutions because everyone knows resolutions are dumb, but your New Year's ambitions and one of the reasons we fall behind on our resolutions is because we just take on too much onto our plates at the beginning of the year and we just say, oh, I'm going to do these gigantic things. And our life is just evidence of us, you know, having eyes that are bigger than our plate. I think that's the saying. And maybe you wanted to go for a run three times a week. God knows I need to start exercising again. I really do. Well, maybe you, like me, made a long list, a larger than life life list of everything that your life could and should be. We all, all do this. And you should not be surprised that I am part of this. And so I say my problem, and it's a pretty big one. And I know the reasons why, so don't at me about this. I know the reasons why I say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes to everything in life. Okay? And one of the reasons, if you must know, because you're wondering why, is because I had to say no for a long time. I had to say no for a long time because I had children, and I had to say no for a long time because my beloved husband was sick. And I said no to a lot of stuff. And I'm in this point in my life where I'm saying yes to a lot of stuff. Also, I happen to love the people asking me to do stuff, and I love my work. And I'm a person who just wants to live very, very big. And so I say yes all the time. And maybe you do, too. Okay? Especially at the beginning of the year when time throws you this clean slate, and it says, go ahead. Make your bold predictions, make your resolutions. Announce to the world what you want to do. That happens early in January. And I signed up for a million, billion, trillion things. And I will be honest. I will be honest. This happened before January. It did over the past few months. And I'm going to say it started probably six months ago. I started to say yes to so many things that the people around me thought that I was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. And I kept on telling people, I can do it all. I can do it all. And then the bill came due because, like, actually starting in September, it was kind of crazy what I had said yes to. Now, again, this story ends well, just like the story about the woods. We're gonna get there. And in fact, this story ends so well that I'm in a red beret and I'm marching in a parade. So stay with us to hear how that happened. Hello, hello, hello. This is Susie Welch, and this is Becoming youg the podcast, where each week we explore that little, tiny, inconsequential question, what should I do with my life? I really love this idea that there's 3Ds in terms of how you live. There's default, which really is how we all live all the time. Reactive. Oof. Events overtake us. We just sort of muddle through the day, and we live in default. If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. You're just with billions of people who just generally exist and survive that way. And then the second D is deliberation, which is sort of putting some intentionality, like we. And I don't think I really want to work in finance. I want to work in something that helps people more. And you start to get a little bit more deliberate about your life. But the ultimate, the, you know, the Holy Grail, the Valhalla that we're all going for is that third D, Living by Design, where we have a theory of our life, we have a theory of who we want to be. We Have a theory of how we're going to change this world or not, or how we're just going to go about life and then we live by design. And that is the golden ring, isn't it? You really want to live with that third D of design. That's why people take becoming you. That's why people study this methodology along with me. Thank you for doing that. And look, becoming you asks you, okay, to lift your eyes up and look at the horizon and think about your values and think about, understand your aptitudes. Really dig into these things. Think about what interests you, okay? But sometimes, sometimes you just gotta survive, okay? And I have just experienced a period like that in my own life. I want to talk to you about it. Hope you don't hate me after I describe what a mess I got myself into. But even I, who you know the answer lady here, sometimes gets ourselves in big stinky messes. And I did survive. And I want to talk to you about it because I learned a lot from this experience. I learned a lot about myself. And I think I have a heart for people who are struggling. I remember one time early on I just was dating my husband Jack. And Jack was a bold, successful, kick ass guy. Life came very easily to him. He was the smartest person ever. He had a genius mind, he was likable. Everything came easily to Jack. And he was an only child of an Irish mother. And so the sun rose and set on his head. And one of the things I think that I added to his life and he would tell you this if he was still among us, is that I made him understand or I brought him to a place where he understood that for many, many people life is really hard. Just getting through a day is hard. People have grief, they have anxiety. Things are tough. And I think that I have a heart for that. I grew up in a house where there were people for whom life was very hard. I understood that that's part of the human. But in general, I still like this idea that you lift your eyes to the horizon and you live with some kind of design when you can. And actually there's a second part of that and that's if you can. So look, here's the story of when Susie had to lower her eyes from the horizon and I just come through it. This is how it went. Look, I'm a professor at NYU Stern School of Business. I love my job. I'm also happen to be my enneagram tells me and everything I know about myself tells me I'm a little achiever I'm the girl who wants the most claps I want to say yes to everybody. And one of the great blessings from God in my life is that I have been a successful teacher. That my students tell me that I'm a very effective teacher. And I love getting my ratings every semester because then I go to my room and I secretly glow all over them and I look what a good girl I am. And I actually love the fact that my students love me. You know what? I love them back. And I want. I want to be a great teacher. And so what happened last year was a lot of different schools at NYU came around and they said, susie, will you teach this section? Will you teach that section? And what ended up happening was I was approached by four different schools at the university and they all asked me to teach different sections of my class. And dear listeners, I said yes to everybody. And I wasn't really paying attention, or maybe I was kind of paying attention. And I kept on thinking, you can do it, Susie. You can do it, you can do it. And what ended up happening was this semester rolled around in September and I was signed up for teaching seven classes, okay, in the MBA program and in the executive MBA program. And then I was teaching even another class to NYU administrators. I also taught in the Washington, D.C. program. Then, you know, the facts are, it was my fault. I said, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. Look, suffice it to say that this was an epic. All right, fine, I'm gonna say it. It was an epic shit show, okay? It really was. And there were weeks where I would look at the week ahead and I would see. I mean, I have a friend who looked at my schedule because she was trying to get onto it and she said, is this a joke? And I said in a dark, macabre way. So anyway, I made a decision. I made a decision and it was this. Don't look up. I was just going to live the way I lived for many years, that I'm not proud of, where I was, just in survival mode. And I was actually going to make it kind of minute by minute. All I had to do was make it to the next thing I was going to teach from 9 to 12, for instance. I was going to deliver the best lecture I could and be most present. And then I would have a 15 minute break or an hour break, and then I was going to teach the next lecture with the best. And I wasn't ever going to think about the next lecture after the Next lecture or what I was doing that night or what was going the next day, I was one foot ahead of the other. Survival mode is just to be very, you know when you're in it. Okay, you know why? Because your whole body tells you. Your body tells you, like your chest tells you, your stomach tells you, your skin tells you. At one point when I was in survival mode, I mean, I was dreaming the lectures, I couldn't even sleep without working. But when you're in survival mode, you're not able to think about anything but what you're doing in the next minute or two or three, or just how you're going to get to the end of the day. Look, if you're in survival mode right now, or you think you're about to go into it and your question is, how do I get out of it? That's becoming you. That's the answer. If you're asking, when do I get out of it? The answer is as soon as humanly possible. You can't stay there because you get sick. It will make you sick. Do you understand how far away this is from the becoming you philosophy? Do you understand that? This is like an alien came and abducted Susie Welch. This is what it was like. I am all about looking up. I am all about going to 20,000ft and looking at your life and, you know, assessing your. I was actually the eye. Irony is I was in the classroom telling students to look up. Okay, I was teaching becoming you, saying, you know, don't live by default. Look at your values, excavate them, think about your aptitudes, test them, think about your interests, open your aperture. And meanwhile, I was in the bunker with a flak jacket on, getting from hour to hour, okay, what did I sacrifice? I sacrificed fun, sleep, smiling, enjoyment, eating other things. My dog's always like, hi, look, it's mom. Remember me? And other people helped me take care of them. But look, I learned so much and I want to just scroll back for a minute and talk about how much I hate something. And you know, I'm very loving and I love you and I love life, but I hate a few things in life. And one of the things I hate so much is scary movies. I think actually horror movies are a scourge upon society. I've seen two in my life by accident. The first one I saw, I was a 15 year old girl and my first husband, Eric and I were in high school together and he said, let's go see Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I've heard it's hilarious. Well, that Movie's not hilarious. I'm still haunted by it. Anyway, I hate them. But I actually have been thinking about horror movies because psychologists have all. You know, there's a whole academic field of study on horror movies, and the academic theorizing about horror movies is this. They serve a psychological purpose, and that is that if you make it to the end, you'll feel euphoric about life. If you it to the end, you realize you can survive anything. And that is how I feel. I feel like I survived my own horror movie. And I'm actually kind of wildly euphoric right now to actually get back into living by design mode. I've never been happier or more eager to leave this grind of survival mode because nobody should live in default mode or in survival mode all the time. Sometimes we have to. But that's no excuse to stay there. Okay? And I want you to rejoice in not being in survival mode. I want you not to ever have to do that. Do I understand that you're going to have to sometimes? Yes. Do I want you to ever stay there longer than you need to? No. So there's times not to look up. Now I'm raising my eyes, and guess what I'm raising my eyes to. Like, just when I had three lectures left. Okay? Only three days left. I thought, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to do something bold. I'm lifting my eyes to the horizon. And what did I find out? I lifted my eyes. I had time to just sort of take in the sweetness of life. And I found out that there is a parade in New York City for dachshunds. And I said, that's it, man. I'm actually. I'm gonna take my dachshund Pierre to the dachshund parade. And then I went online and I bought Pierre and I matching red berets. And damn it, that's what it is to live by design. But I didn't have enough time to think about things like this for four months. And now I'm giddy with the fact that I can start to design my life and design into it. Very important, impactful things like docs and parades, okay? That's what I have to say to you. Living by design. How good it is, how sweet it is, how it is not always available to us. But fight for it. When you lose it, I'm Susie Welch. I'm becoming me, and you are becoming you. And we are in it together. And we will have more in just a moment. If you're listening to this podcast and I'm so glad you are, by the way. And you're thinking to yourself, okay, Suzy, this all sounds great, but how exactly do I figure out what I should do with my life? How do I do it? How can I take becoming you myself? Well, I am super excited to announce that we're having two different Becoming you intensives at NYU that are open to the public. Okay. And first, there will be a three day version of the class from March 21 to 23 and a one day version of the class class on April 26. These both take place at the NYU campus and they are sponsored by the NYU Stern Initiative on purpose and flourishing. In both classes, I'll take you through the full Becoming youg methodology. We will excavate your values, we'll identify your aptitudes, and we'll uncover your areas of economically viable interest, all leading up to the discovery of your own personal area of transcendence. Your purpose. For more information, including an FAQ and a breakdown of the schedule for both of the different offerings, please visit my website, Suzy welch.coms u z y w e l c h.com I really hope to see you at either one of these the one day or the three day. It'd be really fun. Hello again. I am Susie Welch, and this is becoming you. And I'm so happy you're still here. This is the show where we kick around that little tiny question, what should I do with my life? We kick it and kick it, and we're gonna get into the goal. I'm telling you. All right now, we are going back into the woods, away from that feeling that there's just too much happening, and into a state, a place where I'm worried about what is going to happen or what could happen.