The One Value That Future-Proofs Your Relationship…and Two That Could Rock Its Core with Sam Feher and William Hayden

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Becoming You with Suzy Welch

Episode: The One Value That Future-Proofs Your Relationship…and Two That Could Rock Its Core
Guests: Sam Feher & William Hayden
Date: December 9, 2025

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Overview

This episode of "Becoming You" with host Suzy Welch dives into how understanding and aligning personal values can shape, strengthen, and occasionally challenge romantic relationships. Suzy, joined by couple Sam Feher (reality star and podcast host) and William Hayden (entrepreneur), explores critical value differences and overlap using the Values Bridge—her framework for identifying and ordering life values. Throughout, the group offers honest, humorous, and practical insights into how foundational beliefs affect love, belonging, and the long-term potential of their partnership.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing the Guests and the “Values Bridge”

• Sam Feher’s Background:

  • Started in magazine journalism after being inspired by "The Devil Wears Prada" ([02:23]).
  • Transitioned from corporate America to reality TV (“Summer House” at age 24) and then to self-employment.
  • Realized being on TV helped accelerate her self-discovery process.
  • Began the journey to define who she is beyond public personas.

• William Hayden’s Background:

  • Recurring theme of reinvention: once a Shakespeare and dystopian studies scholar, then a consultant, then a media and film producer ([04:17]).
  • Founded a fintech company (securebags.com) for small business owners ([05:27]).
  • Describes the sense of doing what came next before understanding his deeper motivation.

• Origin of the “Values Bridge”:

  • Suzy introduces the Values Bridge as a psychometric tool to rank personal values, designed out of frustration with existing tests ([09:08]).
  • Used by individuals, couples, and families to surface value similarities and discrepancies, notably affecting relationships.

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2. How They Met: Modern Love & “Three Meetings Theory”

• Sam and William met in New York as roommates, but romance didn't begin immediately ([06:06]).
• William describes the "three meetings theory":
  1. Meet when not interested;
  2. Meet again when not ready;
  3. Finally connect when both are ready ([07:02]).
• Quote:
  “You’ll meet once when you’re not interested... then when you’re not ready... and then when you’re ready to fall in love. And we... almost to a T... lived that.” — William ([07:28])
• Now, they live together, are happy, and are actively engaging in aligning their values using the Values Bridge ([07:47]).

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3. Core Value Differences: Faith/Cosmos and Belonging

A. Faith (“Cosmos”)

• Key Split:

  • For William, faith (Cosmos) is a top-five value. He’s deeply invested in a broad spiritual search—studying Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, and nature-based spiritualities ([10:09]–[11:47]).
  • For Sam, faith ranks last. While not religious, she’s intellectually fascinated by religion and chose to study it academically, valuing the community aspect ([12:07]).

• Quotes:

  • “Simply, what cosmos means to me is that if I consider myself to be the ultimate power of the universe, I will not find myself achieving or producing or contributing in the way that I want to.” — William ([11:47])
  • “For me, I feel spiritual when I’m in a room full of people striving to be best versions of themselves. I feel spiritual in that community setting.” — Sam ([15:07])

• Navigating the Difference:

  • Their openness and curiosity bridge the gap, with Sam joining William at church and seeking to understand faith more deeply ([15:00]).
  • Suzy shares her own marriage experience—how differences in religious backgrounds can be navigated if there’s shared aspiration and openness ([13:16]).

B. Belonging

• Key Split:
  • Sam: Belonging is her #2 value—centered on friendship and chosen family due to a small biological family ([16:26]).
  • William: Belonging is peripheral (rank #14). He prefers quiet, values close interactions over social busyness ([16:12]).
• How it Plays Out:
  • Sam plans social events and values a “full calendar”; William is comfortable with quieter, less structured time ([16:44]).
  • Quotes:
    • “Your 14 belonging forces me to slow down and take time for myself, which is really good for me. And I think my 2 belonging gets you outside of the house.” — Sam ([17:34])
    • “Testing comfort zones is important. And sacrifice is important in the relationship.” — William ([17:02])
  • Their approach is pragmatic: mutual respect, compromise, and use of language (e.g., “Your belonging is a little in my face today”) for healthy boundary setting ([17:19]).
• Memorable Moment:
  • The couple bonds over game nights with friends (Settlers of Catan), recognizing competitive streaks as part of their “belonging” dynamic while keeping things fun and loving ([19:00]).

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4. Shared Core Value: Belovedness (The Relationship “Green Flag”)

• Both score highly on “belovedness”—the value placing utmost importance on a romantic partner ([21:12]).
  • Suzy underscores the risk when this value is mismatched in couples, calling their shared, high belovedness “a big green flag” for relationship durability.
• Quotes:
  • “When push comes to shove with values, you’re going to put the relationship first.” — Suzy ([21:12])
  • “I actually don’t know that that value would have been high for me until I found the right person.” — Sam ([21:43])
  • “Completely different than where it would have been two years ago.” — William ([21:46])
• High family centrism is also a mutual value, introducing only the “good problem” of loving each other’s families and managing time during the holidays ([22:11]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Values in Relationships:
  “Our values do not exist in a vacuum. They exist in an ecosystem. And thus becoming us has become something.” — Suzy ([00:13])
• On Openness to Faith:
  “Whatever she’s got, I’m on that journey with her. I’m not there yet.” — Suzy’s late husband Jack, as recounted by Suzy ([13:42])
• On Loving Each Other’s Families:
  “The tension is not like, oh, I wish I was spending with my family and not your family. It’s like, we both want to be with all the families on the same day. And it’s impossible.” — Sam ([22:51])
• On Relationship Growth:
  “A seismic event can do that. ...After Jack died, belovedness went to my last value. So I think it can change both ways.” — Suzy ([21:50])

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• Introducing Guests & Values Bridge: [00:56]–[09:30]
• How They Met & “Three Meetings Theory”: [06:04]–[07:47]
• Exploring Faith & Cosmos Value: [09:44]–[15:44]
• Belonging and Social Balance: [15:44]–[19:50]
• Games & Relationship Dynamics: [19:00]–[19:50]
• Belovedness “Green Flag”: [19:51]–[22:51]

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Conclusion & Takeaways

• Understanding your own and your partner’s values—both overlaps and misalignments—is crucial for a strong, future-proofed relationship.
• Differences in core values like faith and belonging are navigable through honest conversation, respect, and curiosity, aided by frameworks like the Values Bridge.
• Sharing high levels of “belovedness” and family centrism functions as a “green flag” for longevity—why the relationship comes first for both Sam and William.
• The episode offers an honest, engaging window into how real couples address value-based challenges, making it relatable for anyone seeking to “become us” as well as “become you.”

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Find the Guests:

• Sam Feher: Instagram & the “Caps Lock” podcast
• William Hayden: Securebags.com for small business solutions

Host: Suzy Welch, NYU Stern
Podcast: Becoming You

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Transcript

[A]

So, so. So you love somebody so much, but there's a little. Oh, there's a little something. There's always this one conversation you keep coming back to, and underneath it all, it might be about values. You know, little did we know in Becoming Universe that when the values bridge emerged into the world, that the immediate first off label use of it was going to be not becoming you, but becoming us. Because our values do not exist in a vacuum. They exist in an ecosystem. And thus becoming us has become something. And we're doing it today on the pod. This is becoming you. This podcast where each week we endeavor to help you answer the question, what should I do with my life? And a lot of times that's in what you're doing with your life has a big component of it, maybe even the biggest component of it is relationships and romantic relationships. We are so lucky today because we have two fabulous people on to do. Becoming us with us.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you. Let me introduce you to our fabulous guest today. Sam Fair is probably very well known to many of you. I was on your fantastic podcast. I had the best time. I loved it. We had the best time.

[B]

It was so good. We didn't stop yapping for like an hour after we wrapped record.

[A]

I know. Little do people know that we had that podcast, which. Please go listen to our podcast together. And afterwards, we sat in the studio, talked for yet another hour, and your.

[B]

Team was like, we need to leave.

[A]

They were not too amused. And I want to introduce also William Hayden. I now know your middle name. Can I say it?

[C]

Yes, can say it.

[A]

William Nieder Meyer Hayden. Okay, because I was complimenting you for such a. For such a. Such an easy name. They are a couple who have willingly taken the values bridge together, and we're going to talk about their values, some of which are overlapping and some of which leave us some places for conversation because they're not exactly overlapping. And look, it is no accident that the values bridge is called the values bridge because it is exactly meant to build a bridge so you can have conversations around differing values, which is what we're going to do. Some of today you have some very overlapping values, but there's some places we can have some conversations. Sure. And so we're going to do that. But first, I really want you to get to know our guests on the POD today a little bit better because they're both fabulous people. Sam, you are everything, right? So you've been, you know, you've been a famous reality star, and then you reinvented yourself. Why you Just give us the thumbnail bio for who you are. Although, again, familiar probably to many of our listeners.

[B]

Sure. I started my career in magazine journalism because I saw the Devil Wears Prada when I was 9, and I was like, I need that in my life. Which I don't know how many people say that.

[A]

I think. I think millions.

[B]

Yeah, well, it turned out that way because that's kind of when people started following me on social media. So I did the corporate America girly fashion closet hustle, and then decided to work for myself because I wasn't. I was super ambitious. There were not enough growth opportunities. It wasn't fast enough, it wasn't big enough. And so while I was working for myself, this opportunity to go on reality TV came up. And I'm just like, not the kind of girl who says no to an adventure, an opportunity. And I was thinking, like, how many people can say they did this in their twenties?

[A]

You were young when it happened.

[B]

Yeah, they cast me when I was 24. So I definitely wasn't like, the finished version of myself.

[A]

It was. The show was Summer House, by the way, of which I'm aware most of you watch. So. Okay, so what happened?

[B]

I think for me, it was a great opportunity to.

Accelerate my finding myself journey, my becoming you, if you will. Because how many people get to have that out of body experience where they see themselves interact with people? They see themselves, you know, make friendships and like, break up and like, have trauma and have good things also. And then after that, I felt like I had been under this magnifying glass. I was not.

45 minutes once a week for 10 weeks is not really enough to capture who you are. And so I set out to kind of re. Like, I guess, figure out really for the first time who I am and like, come up with the final version of who I think I am.

[A]

Right. Well, final for now. Final for now. We will reinvent. Reinvent. All right, so, William, tell us about yourself. You're a founder. So. So fill us in.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, in the spirit of reinventing, I think that I'm one of those people who's done it over and over.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, I. So I was a Shakespeare scholar in an English major with a concentration in dystopian studies, just like most people. And so then, of course, I became a consultant, focused on crisis litigation and my first job.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And then from there, I went to ipg, the media holding company, and worked on new capabilities within their largest media agency. Ended up working with the chief content officer to build a net new film and television production company, produced some documentaries, won some awards doing that. And then I said, there's a telly.

[B]

Sitting in our bookcase.

[A]

I mean, so this was all before the age of like 25 or something like that?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, were you just sort of on the. Were you on like the achievement conveyor belt? Like just go, go, go.

[C]

The thing is, in the moment, none felt like achievement, I think, because I had no idea who I was trying to be or where I was trying to get. So I was just doing the next thing that came along and then saying, this isn't it. So let me jump.

[A]

Welcome to your 20s, by the way.

[C]

And I was doing it as a kid as well. You know, I'm the child of small business owners, and I got together about six years ago with some very dear friends who are also the children of small business owners to think about how we could build something that helped small business owners grow. So we have a company. It's called bags. Yeah, it's a little tongue in cheek. Securebags.com. and the goal there is to make sure that small business owners have what they need. And really what we have is a financial control platform that gives small business owners the power to manage, borrow, and spend their money better.

[A]

Congratulations on what you're building. It's very exciting. But let's get right down to the romance of it. How did you two meet?

[B]

Do you want to tell it?

[C]

I'm happy to tell it. I've known Sam since before. Bravo.

[A]

Okay, it's true.

[C]

So how did you know each other? I lived in a. In an apartment with four other people because it's New York and that's how it goes.

[A]

Was this a party house? Is that how you ended up there or what? What?

[B]

Not really.

Maybe a little bit.

[A]

Yeah. I was a little drawn in, but.

[B]

We built a stage in the living.

[C]

Room and had concerts.

[B]

But that's not what brought me there. I was dating one of the roommates.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It sounds more scandalous than it really is.

[A]

All right. You were dating one of the roommates. Go on.

[B]

The boyfriend and I broke up right at the beginning of COVID At the same time he was having a falling out with all the roommates.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And so everyone splits up to go to their parents houses for Covid, thinking it'll be a week. I think we each packed like a carry on suitcase, thinking, like, see you next week for that party.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then we all didn't see each other for a year.

[A]

Right. Then what happened?

[C]

You've heard of the invisible string theory?

[A]

No.

[C]

That one suggests that two people can be tied with an invisible string. So it'll cause them to interact periodically.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Over time, until ultimately they're drawn together. There's an alternate version called the three. Three meetings theory. What he taught me about this at a while. That you'll meet once when you're not interested.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And I think we had that in the apartment.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

You will. You'll meet again when you're not ready.

[A]

Oh, interesting.

[C]

And that, you know, we. We did end up going out to dinner at one point years ago, but not like nothing really manifested.

[A]

Busy.

[C]

Nothing really manifested out of it. And then you'll meet again when you're ready to fall in love. And we. Almost. To a T. Yeah. Lived that.

[B]

That theory over a year and a half later. We live together. We're so happy. We love each other's families. We are making plans for the future. We're taking the values.

[A]

All right, let us talk about. I love this story. And, you know, I think the whole world is endlessly fascinated by how people get together. And here's the interesting thing. There is no connection at all between how you met and how successful the relationship is.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

There's no paradigm. There's no, like, well, you've got to meet this way. I want to pause for a second and I want to just explain what the Values bridge is, because if you're listening to this podcast for the first time, and if you are welcome, I'm so glad you're here. Immediately after this podcast, go back and listen to all the others. Okay. The Becoming you processes helps you paint a self portrait of yourself when you're standing still by excavating a couple of sets of data. The first sets of data is your values. What your deeply held beliefs are, your motivations, and it also excavates your aptitudes and your economically viable interests. Those second two data sets are very important. When you're thinking about careers, which we're not doing here, we're thinking about building lives together. And so to facilitate the excavation of the values data, what your actual values are. I was frustrated with the tests that are currently available. I was frustrated with the way people talk about values. And so together with my team at Becoming youg Labs, we, we developed a psychometric test called the Values Bridge, which rank orders your values in order from 1 to 16. If you haven't taken it yet, I highly urge you to take it. You can take [e-mail] There's a free version and there's a paid version. There is a functionality on the values bridge where you check a box and if another person opts in, it shows you your values in comparison to another person's. And one of the things about teaching it at NYU is how many of my students say, when we take the values bridge, I'm going to take this with my whole family over the holidays. And I'm like, have a good Christmas. Enjoy.

[B]

Please come back.

[A]

Please come back in one piece. No, I mean, my. I think it's actually. It does so much good. I mean, I think it opens up understanding so much. All right, so let's start with a value where you have a lot of difference. Okay. Let's just go there right away.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And it's a value that's very near and dear to my heart because it's my number one value. And this is the value of cosmos, which is the value of faith. It's irregardless of your faith tradition. Okay. It doesn't make any difference if you're Muslim Christian, no matter what. It's Right. It's about how much your faith matters to you as a motivator. For you, it was a top five value, as it is for me. But for you, Sam, it. It's your last value. Yeah. So I'm going to presume you've talked about this difference.

[C]

This is one of those categories in which I've done a lot of self discovery. And I all sound insane, but I was raised in a, what I call a lightly Christian household where we were holiday Christians.

[A]

Yes. We call you CD Christians. Christmas and Easter, you church.

[B]

That was me as a child.

[A]

So that.

[C]

And that was sort of what was going on. As I got older, I started to be the one who got really into it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Because I went and I read the text.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I started doing sort of extracurricular activities in the church. And.

Then I. And I had some discontent in life and I think a deep misunderstanding of what God was meant to be. And therefore I decided to start to interrogate faith a little more deep. And that led me to the realization that Old Testament is Torah. And so I read Old Testament as Torah and I went and practiced what Judaism was. So to have that experience. And then I realized the Abrahamic God is Christianity, Buddhism and Islam. And I read Quran and I practiced Islam to see what that was like. And then I went to Eastern traditions and studied the Vedas, which birthed Hinduism and Buddhism. And I picked the vehicle of the diamond Thunderbolt and practiced Buddhism for a period of time. And then in college, I studied nature based ideologies and that I was looking for God, striving to find God in all those places. And I never managed to. But what I learned was that.

And simply what cosmos means to me is that if I consider myself to be the ultimate power of the universe, I will not find myself achieving or producing or contributing in the way that I want to.

[A]

So this is deeply.

Intellectually and emotionally important to you?

[C]

Deeply.

[B]

I think that's why it works. Because I was not raised religious, but we did Christmas and Easter because my parents similarly. One grew up in a Catholic household, one grew up in a Protestant household, but they weren't super devout. So I wasn't super raised in religion, but I find religion fascinating as an intellectual exercise. And so when I was in school, I actually took religion classes and I went to school in North Carolina. So my professors were all like Catholics and Christians and Southern Baptists and. But we learned everything. We learned about every single different type of religion and ideology. We even had like a section within the curriculum on cult religions. And I found it beautiful and fascinating. And I've been to church, I've been to temple, I've, you know, been to these places. And I think that my value of belonging and like interest and engagement and community and feeling like a space where people love each other and have something to look up to and to hold themselves accountable and, you know, to help them find purpose in their lives. Like, I have so much respect for it.

[A]

I want to tell you a little story. When I met my husband and we had a spectacular marriage, just a very beautiful marriage. I had been since I was around 14 years old, a really committed Christian, and I still am. And it bothered me. He was a cultural Catholic. And I remember early on thinking, I love this man so much, but this is a problem because you cannot separate me from my, my, my. From my deep faith and my Christianity. But he said from the very. And he was like, he knew nothing. He was a true cultural Catholic. We'd go into a church and I would say, who is that up there on that freeze? Who's that up there? He's like scratching his head. He would say like Joseph. And I'd be like, oh my God, that is Saint Paul. Okay? And he would say, who's Paul? And I'd be like, oh, no. Okay, so, so. But here's the thing that saved us. We had to go into religious counseling before we got married at my church because they wouldn't marry unless we did it. And I remember the pastor said to him, jack, we're Happy to marry Susie, but we don't typically marry people like you because you don't have a relationship with Jesus. Okay. And Jack said, and it was, it was the absolute foundation of what was to grow in our marriage. He said, yes, but I want what she has. And I think I'm kind of hearing that with you guys in that, you know, and he's. And they were like, oh, okay. We get. And he goes, whatever she's got, I'm on that journey with her. I'm not there yet. This is the first step where she's going, where she's leading me, I will go. And it's exactly what happened over the next 20 years. And I taught Bible study. He was in the front row. He was my best student. And then if he met somebody who wasn't coming to my Bible study in our community, would say, you know, you're missing Susie's Bible study. I mean, he was like, really like. So I would say continue on this journey together because you're very open intellectually and emotionally to what he's going through. I don't know if you have a good church. You should find a good church that's very open minded and encourages seekers. Yeah, we're doing it already. We're.

[B]

We go to church.

[C]

Yeah, we talk about the, the lesson afterwards. The other day, it's a Bible study of a church.

[B]

Yeah, the other day I asked him for a Bible because I want, this is kind of embarrassing, but I want the Bible like as it is, as God intended. And then I want like a children's Bible that has like explanation, passage and explanations. Because for me, like, I. To your point that like you, you're not sure what God looks like. You're not sure like what the embodiment of God is like. For me, I feel spiritual when I'm in a room full of people who are like striving to be best versions of themselves. I feel spiritual in that community setting. So like, I asked for a Bible and he was like, okay, so I.

[A]

Love this journey you're on. It'd be very interesting when you both take the values bridge again in a year where this shows up. It'd be very interesting. Post Bible study, let's talk about belonging. It's another value where you have some difference. And for you, Sam, it's incredibly high. It's your number two value. So belonging is the value of friendship and community. You just mentioned it. I do think it may be linked to your. It may be actually right now a proxy for your cosmos. But for William for you, it's a real peripheral value. And so.

The way this might play out in a relational setting is that, what are we doing like this three years from now? What are we doing this weekend? I think we should stay in and just have some quiet dinner. And Sam saying, like, the Smiths are having a party. It's already happening.

[B]

It's happening. Yeah. Something about my life is I have a pretty small family, biological family. So chosen family has always been really important to me. I'm a big plan my life three years from now. I'm a big plan my family plan, my social calendar. And William is like, what do we have tomorrow?

[A]

Nothing.

[B]

And I'm like, oh, actually, I've scheduled dinner with Lauren and Jan. And next weekend we're doing this with like, this group.

[A]

What are you gonna do about this? This is already bubbling up. How are you. How are you navigating it?

[C]

I would say it hasn't bubbled up in a negative way.

[B]

I think it's good for both of us.

[C]

And I think the answer is, yeah, testing comfort zones is important. And sacrifice is important in the relationship.

[A]

It is. It totally is. And I think actually, you know, the language allows you to sort of say, look, your belonging is a little in my face today. Okay.

[B]

And it's like we're gonna start using sort of.

[A]

We need to kind of respect my belonging at number 14, if you don't mind. And what this does is it stops you from saying, you, you, you, you're this, you're that. It's like we're talking about a value. It exists on a continuum. Let us talk about how we're different places and respect each other.

[B]

There's no connotation to my belonging.

[A]

Right, I know, I know, right?

[B]

It's like the putting it. But I will say, like, your 14 belonging forces me to slow down and like, take time for myself, which is really good for me. And I think my. What is it to belonging? I think my to belonging gets you outside the house. Like this morning when we were walking here, he was like, wow, this air feels good. I haven't been outside much the last few days. And like, that is. And. And by the way, you can turn it on. Like, we go out and he's having the time of his life. He's like, on. But then we get home and we're like non verbal, you know, like, it's. It's a good balance. It forces us to both do things that are good for us.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But I think it actually, our difference in belongings really creates balance in Our life together.

[C]

And it helps that your belonging is the least offensive version of belonging that I can imagine.

[A]

Like, there's some really offensive versions of belonging.

[C]

Like my. When I was a kid, my dad used to say to me, nothing good ever happens after midnight. And I didn't believe him. And then I made a version. Eventually, nothing good ever happens after 2am Because I live in New York.

[A]

Yeah, Right now.

[C]

I'm there. Nothing good ever happens after midnight. And if Sam wanted to go to the dance club till 4am every week, that would be.

[A]

I'd be right. But her, like, her belonging is more like, let's go out to dinner with good friends.

[C]

Like a game night.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I'm so in.

[B]

Yeah, Forget it.

[A]

My kids love game nights. They do. They're playing this game called Katani.

[B]

Oh, forget it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Settlers of Catan. Okay.

[A]

That's what they're playing.

[B]

I'll say things I don't mean.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like. Like we need to be.

[C]

When my business partner and I play, we have to hug at the end to make sure that we leave it all on the board.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't play with them because they're over there. And it is intense.

[B]

No, it's intense. And like, we went. We rented a house upstate with just a group of friends a couple months ago, and it was my first time having a game night with his friends. Before we got there, I said to him, like, I'm really competitive and I'm really smart and I'll kill your friends. Oh my God. And he said, he said, don't worry, everyone's competitive. And at the end of the game, it like wrapped up. And I remember we all looked at each other and we said, we're friends. Game night stays in the game night room. And that's it. But like, that is exactly the kind of belonging I have is like three hour dinner, home by nine, in bed by ten. Like.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

You're right.

[A]

And then you can. And you can hug it out afterwards. I want to talk as we come to a close about some of the values that you have in common. Let's end on the big green flag, which I'm really excited about. And that involves the value of belovedness. And belovedness is the centrality you place on your romantic partner. On your. It's, you know, I call it the marriage value, but it's. You can have belovedness high and really express belovedness without a. It doesn't have to be in marriage. It can be in a. A close partnered relationship without it. Some people do not believe in marriage. So I worry so much in a couple, when one person has high belovedness, saying, like, my. My building my life around this romantic partnership. And. And the other one has it as. Look, it's not like nobody wants belovedness or that anybody, you know, but. But they don't care about it. It's not the defining, organizing principle of their life. And I don't mind if two people have it sort of at number eight or if they both have it at number nine, or even if they both have it at number 16. What I really am scared of is when one person has it at one and one person has it at 16. That is a recipe. That's why marriages end. That's why they end. But you two both have it very high. It's not the exact same number, but it's very close. You're both in the top five for both of you. And this is an incredibly big green flag. To me, it means that when push comes to shove with values, you're going to put the relationship first. That worked for me and Jack. We had this thing. We called it the marriage. And we used to say to each other, there's no you and there's no me. There's the marriage.

[B]

And.

[A]

And we would often say to each other things like, how would that affect the marriage? We never would say, how does that affect you? How does that affect me? It was like, how will that affect the marriage? We really cared about this third entity.

[B]

Yeah, we grew up in. We both grew up in families where our parents were very lucky. Like, our parents have been married for, like, 35, 40 years each. So I think we had really good examples of love for our whole lives. And so it's beautiful. It's very easy for us. It's very natural for us. But I actually. I actually don't know that that value would have been high for me until I found the right person.

[A]

Yes. Yes. It's a seismic event when you find the right person for me.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Completely different than where it would have been two years ago.

[A]

Yes. I think a seismic event can do that. And, you know, I'll tell you, after Jack died, belovedness went to my last value. So I think it can change both ways. I think fitting in with your high belovedness, both of you having high family centrism, I'm glad they're all aligned up there in the top again, you can have a very happy relationship with somebody if you're both having lower family centrism and lower belovedness. But having up there, you're Gonna have some good holidays, I bet.

[B]

Yeah, I think so.

[C]

And it introduces attention because families like, with both of those values up top. There's also a little bit of defensiveness around, oh, but my family is very important to me on this day.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

And so I think the belovedness being up there will hopefully support the ability to navigate those.

[A]

You make a great point. There's a little bit of sorting out when both family centrism and belovedness are high. But you respect, you know, because you both have it high. You will have empathy for the other person. But there's a little sorting.

[B]

And we're very lucky to love each other's families. Right. Like, the tension is not like, oh, I wish it's been with my family and not your family. It's like, we both want to be with all the families.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

On the same day. And it's impossible. So our agreement is we have to split for the actual day because we're not married yet. We're like, there's at least, like, a clear line that we can make. Like, we can make a rule for now, we'll split on the day, but we're going to have to. It's either a commute or we're hosting when we're married.

[A]

Yeah. You still get in the car like everyone else, so.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

I am so glad you came on the show. I'm so happy this is. This is becoming you. But this is a special edition of Becoming Us and you're great to come and do this with us. And I am sure that people heard this, are having a lot of aha's and a lot of tell everybody where they can find you, how they can learn more, how they can enter your worlds more.

[B]

Well, I'm all over the Internet, so you can just search my name, Samantha Fair. F E H E R Anywhere, Instagram, Google, wherever. And you can find my podcast. It's called Caps Lock. C A P S L O C.

[C]

K. My company is called bags.

[A]

Yeah. It'[e-mail] securebags.com and if you're in small business, this is definitely a website to go to go learn more about. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. And if you want to listen to my favorite podcasts. Yes, you can check out Caps Lock and Becoming you.

[A]

Thank you. Thank you. That was. The belovedness was there. And then. And then something else came. It kicked in, which might just be sort of savviness. So thank you very much. I hope you have a fabulous walk home of sort of processing this. And I think a lot of people will be processing it along with you.

[B]

Great way to start the day.

[A]

Yay. All right. Thank you. This is becoming you. I'm Susie.

[B]

Welcome.