Behind the Bastards: Part One - In Honor Of Our New Monarchy, Let's Talk About Versailles

Hosted by Cool Zone Media and iHeartPodcasts

Release Date: March 4, 2025

Introduction and Setting the Stage

The episode opens with Ed Zitron welcoming listeners to "Behind the Bastards," a podcast dedicated to exploring the lives of history's most notorious figures. Ed introduces the episode's focus on Versailles, aiming to delve deeper into the culture and subcultures of French nobility during the reign of Louis XIV, also known as the Sun King.

The Origins of Versailles and Louis XIV's Early Reign

Ed Zitron sets the historical context, highlighting Louis XIV's ambition and the political climate that necessitated the creation of Versailles. He remarks,

“Louis XIV, our boy, was born in September of 1638... He was a mama's boy... Louis VIII dies, like, immediately after his son is born...” ([07:37])

Louis XIV inherited a France financially drained by the Thirty Years' War, prompting his regent, Cardinal Mazarin, to institute new taxes. This centralized taxation system ignited tensions between the monarchy and the nobility, leading to the Fronde—a series of civil wars.

Construction of Versailles: Ambition and Human Cost

Louis XIV's response to the Fronde was the construction of Versailles, intended both as a symbol of his absolute power and a means to control the nobility by keeping them close. Ed describes Versailles as a blend of a “Pentagon and the White House with a frat house and a WeWork” ([43:25]).

“Building went on from dawn to dusk, with up to 36,000 people working in the gardens in dire and dangerous conditions... When half a dozen men were crushed in an accident, one grieving mother approached Louis to request her son's body. He had her imprisoned.” ([44:06])

The construction was an immense undertaking, consuming half of France's GDP and resulting in significant human suffering as laborers died under harsh conditions.

Social Control and Etiquette at Versailles

Versailles was not just a palace but a meticulously controlled environment designed to suppress the nobility's power. Ed explains how Louis XIV imposed intricate rules of etiquette to keep nobles preoccupied with social maneuvering rather than political dissent.

“Every royal house... have some version of [etiquette rules], but they're not as intricate as they become in Versailles... it's as if their whole life is a high school and the king is the coolest kid.” ([55:03])

These elaborate social protocols ensured that nobles spent their time maintaining appearances and navigating courtly relations, effectively neutralizing potential rebellions.

Economic Impacts: Centralization and Luxury

The construction of Versailles led to significant economic transformations in France. Jean-Baptiste Colbert, Louis XIV's finance minister, leveraged Versailles to boost French exports by promoting luxury goods.

“Factories were set up to supply linen, lace, silk, glass, carpets, jewelry, inlaid furniture... The chateau became a shop window, a permanent exhibition of French goods.” ([61:34])

This centralized economic strategy not only showcased French craftsmanship but also tied the nobility's wealth directly to the prosperity of Versailles, reinforcing the monarchy's control over both the economy and the aristocracy.

Shadow Economy: Magic and Influence

Beyond the opulence, Versailles fostered a shadow economy centered around magic and influence. Nobles sought favor with the king through magical means, believing that mysticism could secure their positions.

“Madame Voisin knew a priest who was willing to help... 'Let the King love me now... Let the Queen be sterile...'" ([80:10])

This belief in magic and the associated underground practices further entrenched the nobility's dependence on the king, as they sought any advantage to gain his favor amidst the rigid social structures.

Conclusion and Summary

Ed Zitron concludes by emphasizing Versailles as both a marvel of architecture and a tool of absolute monarchy. The palace not only symbolized Louis XIV's power but also served as a mechanism to control and suppress the nobility, ensuring the monarchy's dominance.

“Louis XIV... he becomes one of the most absolute monarchs the world has ever seen. 'L'État, c'est moi,' the state, that's me.” ([70:42])

Versailles stood as a testament to Louis XIV's relentless pursuit of power and control, laying the groundwork for the eventual French Revolution by exacerbating the divide between the monarchy and the common people.

Notable Quotes:

• Ed Zitron ([07:37]): “Louis XIV... He is a... overthrown his family... the Habsburgs...”
• Ed Zitron ([43:25]): “Versailles and a WeWork. It's all of those things at once.”
• Maria Tremarki ([53:10]): “So you have to remember who is allowed to hand the shirt.”

Note: Timestamps correspond to the original transcript for reference.

This episode of "Behind the Bastards" offers a comprehensive exploration of Versailles under Louis XIV, highlighting the intricate balance of power, economic strategy, and social control that defined one of history's most opulent yet oppressive palaces.