Being A Better Man

235 – The Return…With guest Les Moore

Dec 11, 201700:38:17Tap to summarize

The Return! With special guest, Les Moore. That’s right guy’s, I’m back! It has been almost three whole months since I have released a new podcast. The last episode, number 234 went live on September 18th. Since then my life got a little crazy and I had some unfortunate technical challenges to overcome. During this three month Hiatus I have made a lot of observations, I have gained many insights, and I have continued on the path of being a better man than I was yesterday. I plan to share these insights with you in upcoming episodes. Today however, for my first episode back in a while we have a special guest who is going to share his personal story with us. This interview has been scheduled for about three months as well. In fact we sat down and recorded it one day several weeks ago and that was when I realized that my technology was not working…it didn’t record. Now thankfully, that issue is resolved and and I am finally able to share this inspiring interview with you. This guest started out as a listener of of this show and I noticed him pretty early on for two reasons. One, because he was always liking things and leaving some comments and two, because he had kind of an unusual name that I really liked. Being named Alf all my life, I kind of have a thing for unusual, clever names, I appreciate them. This persons name was Les Moore. Get it? Less…more? Anyway, He and I had a few interactions over the course of time and one day he sent me a letter really explaining what he has been up to. When I heard his story I knew immediately that he should be a guest on the show because he epitomizes what we are trying to do here at Being A Better Man. Les Moore hails from Pennsylvania. He is a 47 year old married father of two daughters. In January of 2014 Les decided that he wasn’t totally happy with himself for reasons I’ll let him explain. He made a decision that would alter the course of not only his own life, but also the lives of his wife and daughters and probably everyone else that knew him. Les Moore decided to become a healthy, vital, man. When he made this decision he weighed 234 pounds. He was on prescriptions for high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Today he weighs 185 pounds, that means he lost 62 pounds of fat, and he is totally off all prescriptions. His blood pressure and cholesterol are normal. Not only that, Les decided to go the extra mile and do the work it took to become an International Sports Sciences Association certified fitness professional. That’s right, Les became a personal trainer and he is training people in his home studio. One of my favorite parts of Les’ story is that he did something I always talk about here; he became an example for his entire family. He became such an example that he inspired his wife Lori to get into the gym and she has lost a staggering 130 pounds as well. There are some things I want you to pay special attention to in this interview: Les’ motivation, the reason he made this decision to become healthy. What is the biggest payoff Les has noticed. Process goals vs. Outcome goals. Advice for the holiday’s Les’ personal message to all of you out there who may want to make a change. Here is a picture of Les, before and after his transformation. From 234 pounds to 185 pounds. Contact Les: Here are links to hook up with Les and ask him questions, or take advantage of his on-line services. He offered to be a resource…so take him up on it. https://m.facebook.com/les.moore.7906 http://www.issacertifiedtrainer.com/lesmoore lesnbj@yahoo.com   Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));  

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234 – Errors In Judgement, and How To Handle Them

Sep 19, 201700:12:02Tap to summarize

Errors In Judgement, and How To Handle Them… Todays program is being brought to you by Stump Town Kilts! they are the makers of the finest kilts available. They are a sponsor of this show because I am a loyal customer of this company and i am happy to stand behind them with my name and reputation. I own three of these kilts and I plan on getting more. Everything about these kilts is top notch; the innovative design, the craftsmanship, the color selection and even the price. I wear them everywhere, doing everything. They are rugged enough for hard work and still nice enough for an evening on the town. Because you are listening to this podcast, you are in luck! You are entitled to a substantial discount by being a Being A Better Man listener. All you have to do is go to their website at: stumptownkilts.com. After you pick out your new kilt just enter the code: betterman at checkout, all lower case, all one word. Do that, and you will become the ecstatic owner of a new Stump Town kilt, at a discounted price. Check them out today at stumptownkilts.com . This week I got a letter from a listener named Kyle. Kyle was wondering if I would talk about something specific, that being; overcoming failure in your life. The kind of failure Kyle was talking about is the same kind of failure each of us have experienced in one way or another. I’m not talking about big things like failing to pass the bar exam or failing to become a millionaire by the time you are 30. No, I’m talking about those little everyday failures. The kinds of things that make you feel regret about who you are and what kind of man you are being. The example Kyle used in his letter was from his own experience. He had been doing well with all of the goals he had set for himself and then one day he went to a casino. He proceeded to get drunk and spend way too much money, he gambled with family money, went home to his wife drunk, and then did the same thing the following day. In his own words, he “made a fool of himself”. We have all done things that we regret after the fact. Maybe you cheated on your wife, or cheated on a test at school? Perhaps you acted inappropriately at an office party? Maybe you let someone down who was really counting on you? You may have treated someone badly for no reason, and now you regret it? There are countless scenarios I could recite and eventually I would get around to that thing you have done. I’ve already named some of the things I have done. Look, none of us are perfect and we are going to make mistakes. We will have errors in judgement. The listener who posed this question, Kyle, refers to these as failures, and he wants to know how you should deal with these things as a man, and how to overcome them. It’s a great question, but right off the bat I’m going to change the wording. I personally don’t like using the word failure in my vocabulary. Some years ago I realized that every so called ‘failure’ was also an opportunity to improve. Failure has such negative connotation. If you go around thinking of yourself as a failure then you will continue to fail—at least that’s my opinion on it. I prefer to call these types of things mistakes, or errors in judgement. Some mistakes are way bigger and have more consequences than others but at the end of the day…it was still an error in judgement that led to it. So, how should we deal with ourselves when we have committed one of these egregious mistakes, and how can we overcome them? In answer to that question I’ll point out that there are two kinds of people in the world. There are people that keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again. Then there are people that make a mistake once or twice, and learn from the experience. The people that learn from the experience don’t make that mistake again. They will go on to make other mistakes because they are human—but they won’t make that one again. There are several things that you should definitely NOT do when you make a horrible mistake. I’ll list a few of those here. You should not justify it in any way. By justifying I mean making excuses so that it doesn’t seem as bad as it is. Some people justify their bad behavior by pointing out other people bad behavior, as though that make it OK. It doesn’t. Do not try to justify your bad behavior. Some guys will become so riddled with guilt and shame over a bad mistake that they aren’t any good for themselves or anyone else. This is extremely counter productive…so don’t do that. Don’t try to cover it up. Covering it up doesn’t make it go away. It will eat at you like poison because you know what you have done. In the meantime, while you are basting in the guilt of your actions, you have become less of a man. Do not blame anyone else or any circumstance or anything for your mistake. It’s your mistake. You are in complete charge of your actions and anything you do is your fault. Ok, that’s the short list of what NOT to do. Now here is what I think you should do when you make this kind of mistake. There isn’t a list because there is only one item. It’s really simple. When you make this kind of mistake or error in judgement, you should own it. Everything you do becomes part of who you are. If you make a mistake just own it, admit it, be honest about exactly what you did that was incorrect regardless of the consequences. The consequences are yours, they are your property and they belong to you. Part of owning your misdeed is accepting the consequences of your actions like a man. Some consequences are horrible, like losing your whole family, divorce, bankruptcy, prison, public humiliation, even death. The list goes on and on. What I’m telling you is that if you want to be a better man you cannot avoid the consequences for your actions. If you have that mindset, it may make a difference in how you make decisions going forward. You may actually be inclined to make fewer of these horrible kinds of mistakes if you believe that everything you do becomes part of who you are along with the consequences. Many mistakes are not so horrible though. They are like...

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233 – There Are Always Options

Sep 9, 201700:14:28Tap to summarize

There Are Always Options… After a very long period of silence It is I, Alf Herigstad, back at the Being A Better Man Microphone. It feels really great to be back. It seems like a very long time since I recorded an episode and in reality it has been exactly 3 weeks. 21 days since I have released an episode. That is the longest absence I have ever had and I was a little worried about what the consequences would be. I was concerned that everyone would just go away and listenership would plummet. I’m happy to report that during my absence 8,476 people still listened to the podcast. That’s awesome. Thank you all for hanging in there. As I told you in the last episode, the reason for my absence is that I was going to the Burning Man festival with my wife, father, and uncle. I was going to be separated from technology for a while because I was going to be camping out in the Nevada desert. Now I am back though, and I have some stories to tell. Some insights to share. The first thing I want to report is that we had an amazing time. It was a fantastic experience with my dad and uncle who are both in their 80’s. We saw epic art and we witnessed extreme cases of human innovation. We met people from many countries and made a lot of new friends. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbow’s though. There were some hard lessons to learn as well on this adventure. Hard lessons are the best kind, because they teach you the most. Before I continue with the rest of this episode I want you to take a wild guess about what I was wearing the whole time I was gone. That’s right! I was wearing Stump Town kilts…what else? I took my black kilt and my green kilt to burning man with me, and I trashed them. The black one was especially destroyed. When I got home it was no longer black. It had become so impregnated with dust and dirt that it was gray. I thought it would never be the same but after it came out of the wash it looked black and beautiful again. I’m telling you guys, these are the best kilts out there. They are durable beyond measure, comfortable, and the unique design makes them extraordinarily useful as well. Stump Town Kilts happens to be a sponsor of this show and if you go to their website: stumptownkilts.com and pick out your new kilt you can receive 10% off your entire purchase by entering the code: betterman, at checkout. All lower case, all one word. Check them out today at stumptownkilts.com and enter the code betterman to receive your discount. The overriding lesson I learned from this experience is also the title of this podcast; “There Are Always Options”. As I go on you will understand what I mean by that. The plan was that my wife, dad and I would drive down from Washington to meet my uncle in Reno and then head up to the event. We were in a 2004 Dodge Grand caravan and it was loaded well beyond capacity with all of our provisions. Even the top was stacked up with about three feet of stuff. You need to take a lot of stuff to a thing like this because nothing is provided for you. All of your infrastructure, food, water and other supplies are up to you. Anyway, we were happily making our way towards Reno with no problems until we where about 20 miles from our destination. That’s when our car threw a rod. It started knocking like crazy and lost power. We coasted down a mountain and limped into the hotel parking lot where my uncle waited. We got a mechanic to come and give us an official diagnosis. After looking at it he said the worst thing that he could have said. He said we needed a new engine. So there we were, 670 miles from home with a car that needed a new engine. Not to mention all the stuff that was packed into that car. Our hearts sunk…we didn’t know what we were going to do. That is when I first started repeating the phrase that there are always options. I was very concerned…don’t get me wrong. I thought we might be in a world of crap but I also knew I had to keep my spirits up. I knew there were options and until we explored every one it was way too early to throw in the towel. We got on the internet and started looking for adequate replacement vehicles we could buy locally. We found some, but they were all way out of our budget. We drove around in my uncles pickup to several car lots and got the same result. Then my dad and uncle had a suggestion. They suggested we go to the local junk yard and see what they had for sale, because they sold cars too. I was dubious, as was my wife. Buying a car from a junkyard would have never entered our minds…but, it was one of the options that came up. I had been chanting the fact that there were always options, there was always a solution to every situation and since this option presented itself, I had to explore it. We went to the junkyard and every car for sale there was about $1,000. We quickly ruled out several of them because they obviously wouldn’t work. There was one car there that I found interesting though. It was a 2003 Windstar mini van. Essentially the same size and configuration as our broken car. We started it up and it seemed to run fine. The inside seemed clean and besides being low on brake fluid, we really couldn’t find anything wrong with it. We decided to buy that car after talking them down to $750. We transferred all the stuff from our old car to the new one and continued on our journey to Burning Man, we only lost one day on our itinerary. We donated our old car to the same junk yard. I gotta tell you, it was a bit stressful. Now we were driving straight out into the desert in a car we bought from a junk yard. We didn’t know if we would make it or not. All we had was hope in that moment. Hope, and the knowledge that whatever happened…there would still be options. Magically, the car made it to the festival without a hitch. We parked and set up our amazing camp and enjoyed the next few days as though nothing had happened. It truly was an amazing few days.<span class="Apple-conver...

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232 – Hate Makes It Impossible, To Be A Better Man

Aug 18, 201700:14:32Tap to summarize

Hate Makes It Impossible, To Be A better Man… As many of you know, since starting this podcast some 232 episodes ago I have been very diligent about not getting political. I have not discussed politics or religion or anything else that tends to divide people. My reason for that is because I have always found it more beneficial to focus on things that make us similar to other people…rather than the things that make us different. I still believe that is true. For example, we are all men, regardless of what color we are or what political party we are aligned with or what Gods we pray to. At the end of the day, we are just human men, trying to be better than we were yesterday. Nothing positive has ever been gained from dividing people into groups based on these types of things. That is why I have steered away from this kind of thing and instead have been focused on manhood in such a way that it can apply to everyone. Well, today it may seem like I am veering from that course a bit. Today I will be making a very pointed observation about something going on right now. If it offends you, you are free to never listen to me again. If it offends you, then you are obviously not aligned with the message this podcast offers. I would add that if you are offended by today’s podcast to at least also give yourself the benefit of hearing me out. Before I get into all that I am going to take a minute to acknowledge the sponsor of today’s program, Stump Town Kilts. One thing I want you to know about these kilts is that they aren’t just clothes. They are not just another garment. In my personal experience these kilts are actually gear. What I mean is that they are built and designed to perform a job, and they do it very well. I have three of these kilts and I have beat them up. I live an active life and I tend to destroy things in record time, especially clothes…just ask my wife. I have put these three kilts through the stress test and still every time when I take them out of the washer they still look great. That’s what I mean by gear—they just keep on performing and looking great for everything I need them to do. It’s all because of the way they are crafted. Each kilt Stump Town makes is attended to by people who actually give a crap about what kind of product they are selling. Combine that with the innovative design and other features that are exclusive to Stump Town and you wind up with the best kilt available in my opinion. Right now you can get a substantial discount on your very own Stump Town Kilt simply by entering the code; betterman at checkout. All lower case, all one word. To get there, just type in stumptownkilts.com but whatever you do, remember to enter the code betterman at checkout. Ok, so now it’s time to talk about today’s topic. The reason I feel compelled to talk about it is because our country is in strife right now. For those of you listening from countries outside the US I’m sure you have heard of it as well. Our country is being divided—pulled apart. People are polarized to levels I have never seen in my lifetime. I am not going to talk about all the causes and all the various schools of thought though. Today I’m going to narrow it down to just one subject in particular because it deals directly with men. The character of men and the behavior of men. I just watched one of the many videos out there that show what was happening on the streets of Charlottesville VA. What I saw were grown men, cowardly men, striking a woman and knocking her down, spitting on her and screaming at her. I saw people being hit with objects and with fists and other acts of violence. All for no reason, other than the fact that the people they were hitting had a different opinion. Or they were a different color, or they were defending someone of a different color. The people responsible for the violence, to include the death of one woman who was ran over by a car, call themselves white nationalists. From what I understand that includes white supremacists of every stripe, Nazi’s, the ku klux klan, skin heads, and other such groups. From what I understand many of these groups were represented that day in Charlottesville. Many people in America are coming unhinged right now because after the tragic events that occurred the President gave a speech. In that speech he spoke out against hate in all of it’s forms, but he never directly denounced or condemned the actions of these violent demonstrators or called their groups out by name. When attacked for that he doubled down and defended his lack of condemnation. Then, two full days after the speech under huge political pressure—he finally called them by name. Some defenders of these violent hate groups are defending them by saying that are not Nazi’s, merely disaffected, frustrated white youth asserting themselves. That might wash it it were not for the Nazi slogans, rhetoric, and salutes. I’m not a news reporter. I’m not here to tell you what happened or what I think of it from a political perspective. I am just a guy who talks to men about trying to be better men. So I’m here to go on the record with my official statement about these hate groups. I condemn these groups, their agenda, and the actual people within these groups that use this agenda to cause harm to other humans. Furthermore, I believe these men are not actually men at all, not even the old ones. Rather I believe them to be ignorant, frustrated boys who for the first time in their pathetic life found a way to feel powerful by diminishing others. They are cowards. I’ll go on to say that if you are a white supremacist of any kind that it is impossible for you to be a better man. If you are any kind of supremacist at all, if your life is fueled by hate of any kind, it is impossible to be a better man until you change the way you think. The really sad part to me is that a lot of these guys are literally boys. Very young men without the experience or wisdom to realize they were getting swept up into something that was bad…and stupid. That is a sad thing because it means the other men in their lives prior to that if there were any, were not doing their job. they weren’t being the example they needed to be. It’s no excuse of course, they are all responsible for the path they have chosen. However, there may be guys out there on the verge. Guys frustrated with the hand life has dealt them. They may be drawn to the rhetoric and promises of power, unity, and freedom that these groups offer. These guys are on the edge, they have not pulled the trigger yet. There is still hope for these guys. That hope comes in the form of everyone else around t...

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231 – Plan Your Next Adventure!

Aug 11, 201700:10:47Tap to summarize

Plan Your Next Adventure! I don’t know about all of you out there, but I am in full blown summer schedule with everything now. You may have noticed that I have only been releasing episodes on Friday lately, that is evidence that I am super, super busy with the things that summer is demanding of me. Besides the farm, and our property, and relatives visiting and events of all kinds to attend one thing that has had me incredibly busy lately is that I am preparing to go on an adventure. That’s right—an adventure. The adventure I’m going on is my wife and I are bringing my 81 year old father and his 83 year old brother to the Burning Man festival in Nevada. I’m calling it the generational legacy tour of 2017. There are lots of different opinions out there about burning man, and there are still some people that don’t even know what it is. Some people think it’s a den of iniquity where the devil’s minions gather. Other people think it’s just a bunch of dirty hippies running around naked and doing drugs. Other folks think it’s awesome and some people actually go to appreciate the colossal art built in the middle of the desert. Some people go to hear the lectures about all kinds of amazing things. Well, I have been to burning man once in 2015. From my experience burning man can be all of these things, or none of these things. I found that it’s really up to the person going—you get exactly the kind of experience at burning man that you design for yourself. Just like in life. There are around 80,000 people at this festival. They build an actual city in the middle of a dry lakebed called Black Rock City, and then they tear it down. Burning man has a “leave no trace” ethos. After it’s over no trace is left, no garbage, no cigarette butts, nothing. That in itself is really quite remarkable. Like any city there are parts of it that I have no interest in, parts that I will avoid. There are other parts that are amazing though. There are several reasons I like going to burning man. One is simply the challenge of it. You can’t buy any food there. All of your sustenance must be brought with you for the entire week. You are in an extreme environment with blistering heat and cool nights, I’ve seen 70 mile per hour winds there, and dust storms. It’s very much like camping on the moon if it had oxygen. The dirt is fine as talcum powder, nothing grows there and there aren’t even any insects. I love seeing what that extreme environment does to peoples imagination and ingenuity. People come up with truly amazing ways to not only survive, but to thrive out there. The other reason I like going is to witness the raw humanity. There is every kind of human you could imagine in this place, from all over the world. The labels we are so used to in everyday life seem to fall away. There are rich people and poor people, people of every diverse lifestyle and every socio-economic strata—but they all get along. They all bring something unique, and special to this common, extreme environment. I also enjoy marveling at the things people have built. Not just the art, but the structures as well, and the amazing vehicles driving around in the desert. As a life long student of humanity, there isn’t a better place I know of to go and just witness humans, being humans. I wanted to take my dad and uncle to this event because it’s a way for me to provide them with an experience unlike any they have ever had in their 8 plus decades of life on this planet. Isn’t that what life is kind of about? Gathering experiences and doing things you have never done before. These guys are in their 80’s and they have done so many things and been so many places in all that time. I know they have never done anything like this before though, and that’s why I felt it was important. That’s why I’m talking about this today, because I believe that a key component of being a man is to embrace new experiences whenever you have the chance. It doesn’t have to be burning man, it can be anything you have never done before. That’s what adventures are made of; discovery and exploration of the world around us. Adventure quickens your spirit and your mind. It causes you to think and wonder. Adventure forces you to know yourself better than you would have otherwise and the better you know yourself, the better man you are capable of being. This year, part of my adventure will be sharing the experience with the best man I know, my father. It will be a memory and experience we will share for the rest of his days. So that’s what I’ve been up to, just getting ready for this is a monumental feat. Taking four people to this thing requires a great deal of planning and a lot of work. It’s kind of a big responsibility because how well I prepare will have a huge impact on the quality of experience for the people with me. What I’ll be wearing at Burning Man besides goggles and a dust mask, is a Stump Town Kilt. I wouldn’t think of going to this festival without it. There will be a lot of kilts there, and many of them will be made by Stump town. For several years my wife has volunteered as a Ranger out there. The Rangers are the interface between the participants and law enforcement. They are there to help people and provide assistance when needed and Stump Town might be official kilt of the Black Rock Rangers. If they aren’t, they should be. I don’t know of any other brand of kilt that would stand up better to the beating it will take at burning man. Not to mention how useful the huge hidden pocket will be out there. I’m taking all three of mine. Stump Town Kilts is the official sponsor of this program however, and one way you can support this show is by going to stumptownkilts.com and checking them out. When you get done shopping just enter the code: betterman at checkout. All lower case, all one word. When you do that you will receive 10% off your entire purchase. If you are going to Burning Man do it now so you get it before August 27th. If you aren’t going, do it anyway so you can have the best kilt available. Remember though, enter the code betterman to get your discount. In wrapping this up today I really want to stress that one way to be a better man is to plan an adventure with someone you love. Whoever it is in your world. Could be your dad or uncle. Could be your brother or your best friend. It could b...

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230 – When It’s Hard Being A Father

Aug 4, 201700:18:11Tap to summarize

When It’s Hard Being A Father…Be A better Man! Hello Men! As I predicted a few weeks ago the summer schedule has been a little tough. I have not been doing three episodes a week like many of you are used to. There was no Monday or Wednesday episode this week. Summers are always busy up here in the Pacific Northwest but this summer has been particularly so. What I can guarantee is that you will be able to count on the Friday episodes every week. As the weather changes heading into September I suspect things will return to normal though. Because this is a Friday episode I am honor bound to tell you about the sponsor of this show, a company called Stump Town Kilts. When a lot of people think of kilts they imagine plaid garments worn by men toting bagpipes and marching in a funeral or something. While those are definitely traditional Tartan kilts…that is not what I’m talking about. Stump Town Kilts makes modern kilts for the contemporary man and woman. They are garments of comfort, designed with style and function in mind and suitable for everyday use. I own three of these kilts and I have done literally everything wearing them from the dirty jobs to the fancy events. They are durable and comfortable in the dirt, and they look fantastic when you are wanting to get noticed at a social event. These kilts have several innovative features that their competitors do not possess like the adjustable sizes and snap on accessories for example. They come in a variety of colors and even the rivets have options; you can get brass, gun metal, or chrome rivets. If you have ever thought of owning a kilt, or if you have an old dusty kilt you never wear because it doesn’t fit quite right anymore or it’s too much trouble making it hang right. Then a kilt from Stump Town is the only kilt you should consider. Listeners of this program can get a substantial discount simply by going to stumptownkilts.com and entering the code: betterman, at checkout. all lower case, all one word. Do that and you will receive your special discount. Do yourself a favor and check out stumptownkilts.com today. _________________________________________ Ok guys today I want to talk about an aspect of fatherhood. A lot of the things we talk about here can apply equally to anyone. Many of the topics we deal with have to do with human character and people who are not a man can get something out of it as well, that’s why we have so many non-man listeners and I welcome them. However, there are some things that are specific to being a man, and fatherhood is one of them. Within the realm of fatherhood there is an aspect of it, a phenomenon that is relatively new in human life and specific to the modern times we are living in. What I’m talking about is when men are involuntarily separated from their children, as a direct result of relationship failure with the mother. This can be a touchy, emotionally charged topic, but it’s also a fact of modern life and I feel like I need to talk about it a little bit. This is something I have dealt with personally in my life. Many, many men I know have also dealt with it. My own son is still dealing with it right now and I just got a letter from a long time listener named Tom where he told me about the struggles he is going through regarding access to his children. It’s a real thing, a heart wrenching thing, and as men we really need to think about from every angle. In my opinion, the highest calling any man has in life, the most profound, prestigious, important position he will ever hold is that of a father. Becoming a father is a mans best opportunity to influence the future, to leave a legacy, to alter humanity in some way by passing on what he has become and lessons he has learned to the next generation. Sadly, there are many men who do not give fatherhood the weight it deserves. There are men who create children and then spend the rest of their life avoiding their responsibilities. I’ll never understand that, it’s tragic. I can’t imagine why a man would give up the best part of what being a man is, when he chooses not to be a father to his children. I can only assume that it’s because many of those men did not have a benefit of a father in their own life. They were not raised with that example and therefore have no real idea of what they are missing out on. Whatever the case, this tragic fact makes it even more important that good men do their best when it comes to being a father. Like I said earlier, men being denied access to their children is a relatively new phenomenon in human life. Even a hundred years ago society was much different, men were largely in charge of everything. It was truly a mans world and if a man wanted his children with him then that is what would happen. Women did not have the support of the courts and in most cases they were financially dependent on men for their survival. To be clear—that was not a good thing either. Inequity is inequity no matter how it is apportioned, and motherhood is equally as important to a child’s life as fatherhood is. The inequity women have suffered at the hands of men goes back to the beginning of time. We men have only been experiencing this in recent history. The issue though, is not who has suffered the most or what gender has been treated unfairly. The issue is, and should always be, the welfare of the children. When a parent who loves and cares for their child is denied access to that child, it is the child who suffers most. So here we are now, in a world where both father’s and mother’s play spiteful, vindictive games of revenge and power struggles at the expense of our next generation. Children are treated like commodities or possessions rather than as human beings who crave and need a balanced life, and love from both of their parents. It is a sad state of affairs. It is gradually getting better in some places. The rights of fathers are being recognized on a larger scale than when I went through it 25 years ago, but we have a long way to go. In the meantime, there are men and children suffering the pain of forced separation. Some men who feel the weight and hopelessness of it just throw up their hands and quit trying. Others resort to violence born of frustration. Neither of these reactions helps the child. I don’t intend to paint women as the only offenders here. I know of women who are also experiencing this because the father is wielding financial superiority and denying access to the mother. It is equally unfortunate regardless of which parent the children are being denied. However, I believe that this happens with greater frequency to men these days.<span class="Apple-converted-space...

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229 – Living A Half-Assed Life

Jul 28, 201700:10:08Tap to summarize

Living A Half-Assed Life… You have arrived at the podcast devoted exclusively to the topic of the character of men. We don’t talk about sports, or politics, or dating or fashion. Here we talk about the nuts and bolts of what it means to be a man in today’s world, we talk about living with character and purpose. We do this, so that you can apply it to your own life and become a better man today than you were yesterday. I am the host and creator of this show, my name is Alf Herigstad. We are very fortunate to have a sponsor of these Friday episodes. A company I have partnered up with that helps me keep this show in production. That sponsor is Stump Town kilts. They are an American company located in Portland Oregon and they have the distinction of making the finest, most versatile, durable and attractive kilts on the market. I know—because I own three of them and have been a customer of theirs long before I even had a podcast. I approached them to become a sponsor for that reason, because I wanted to represent a company and a product that I believe in 100%. Stump Town kilts have several features that other kilts just don’t have. Like the huge hidden pocket, the adjustable sizes, the snap on accessories, and because of the way they are made you don’t have to iron them. They also come in a variety of colors. I have a black, gray, and a green one, the next one I get will be brown but they also have a camouflage one. I wear mine for every occasion from shearing sheep and chopping wood to fancy diners and officiating weddings. They are the perfect garment for any occasion. Right now, as a listener of this show you can get your very own Stump Town Kilt for a substantial discount. Go to stumptownkilts.com and do all your shopping. When you are checking out remember to enter the special code to get your discount, that code is: betterman. All lower case, all one word. Do that and you will receive your discount and also let them know you heard about it right here. Today I’m going to talk a minute about someone I actually know. I won’t use his name and I’m sure he doesn’t listen to this show but I want to talk about him because he is a perfect example of something I call; living a half-assed life. So this guy is in his mid thirties and I have know him for a few years, several in fact. We met by way of an organization we were both involved with that dealt with a shared interest. Pretty quickly I noticed that he only did things half way. He did just enough to survive and would do no more. Through the years I have witnessed this guy go through his life and the more I got to know him, the more I realized how deeply his culture of being half-assed went. I watched him lose many jobs because most employers frown on people being half-assed at work. I watched him go through several relationships and then finally get married. Problem with that was, his marriage was even done half-assed. Not the ceremony itself, I wasn’t there…but how the relationship was structured, the level of commitment, everything was done half-assed so it was no surprise to me when it quickly fell apart. I came to ultimately realize that literally everything in his life, his relationships, work, physical fitness, domestic situation, even his hobbies were all done with the same half-assed approach. This all fascinated me. I spent a few years trying to figure it out, I even talked with him about it on a couple occasions. It fascinated me because he is not a stupid guy. In fact I liked him, he has a decent sense of humor and can carry on a good conversation. I kept waiting for him to wake up. I kept waiting for him to realize the consequences of living like that and have some sort of revelation, but he never did, even to this day. There has not been any contact between he and I for several months but today I was talking with someone who has and I was sad to learn that nothing has changed. In fact, it has gotten worse. Now on top of everything else he is having horrible financial difficulties, no doubt a result from only being employed sporadically. So it seems the result of living a half-assed life, is that you wind up with a half-ass life. A Life that is only half as good as it could be. The next logical question in my mind is why would an otherwise intelligent person choose that for themselves? I was venting about all this to my wife earlier because it boggles my mind. Almost every bad thing that has happened in his life was totally preventable. As my wife and I were talking I mentioned that I have known other people similar to this guy who eventually had a revelation, and turned their life around. My wife said she had never known anyone who did that. She was of the belief that there are some people who are just born a certain way, and that is the same way they will die. She said they might be doing their very best, but to other people their best appears like a half-assed effort. I thought about this for a minute. I rolled it around in my head. After some deliberation I decided that I just don’t agree. I can’t buy it because I have witnessed change in people. I have seen people do a complete 180 and through effort and focus turn their life into something good. Granted, there are many people who suffer the consequences of their own actions for years and never pull out of it. They numb their pain with drugs or alcohol as their life slowly circles the drain and they feel like a victim the entire time. However, at the same time, there are other people who realize that every bad thing that ever happened to them is their fault. They decide they want to live and live well, they start making choices that will effect that outcome. They surround themselves with people that will be good examples, they abandon people and behavior that have been pulling them down. Look I do not have all the answers. I’m on the same journey you are, trying to be a better man every day. Maybe my wife and I are both right? Maybe both kinds of people exist; those who can change and those who are incapable of it, I don’t know. What I do know is that there wouldn’t be any reason for me to do this show if I believed that everyone was destined to any particular lot in life. I believe that when a man becomes fed up with the consequences of his actions or lack of actions, that he can make a decision to improve his life. Maybe there are some people listening like this guy I know, maybe you do everything half-assed and then wonder why your life sucks. There are probably a lot of guys listening that just do some things half-assed, and some guys that don’t do anything half-assed at all.<span class="Apple-conve...

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228 – What Is Required To Be A Leader?

Jul 24, 201700:10:08Tap to summarize

What Is Required To Be A Leader? Welcome to the beginning of another glorious week in your life as a man. I think every man should be having a glorious life. If you are not currently having a glorious life, the bad news is that it’s probably your fault. The good news, is that every day is a brand new day, and you can be the creator of your own destiny. As men we have the power to create, imagine, dream and innovate. We can sculpt the world around us into what we desire through the strength of our own will. That’s the kind of stuff we talk about here. I am your host, and my name is Alf Herigstad. I have a friend that I met through the medium of podcasting named Wally Carmichael. He lives in Hawaii and he is the host of his own podcast called “Men Of Abundance”. Wally and I are very aligned on issues that pertain to men, and I encourage you all to check out his show, there will be a link to it in the show notes as well. The reason I’m bringing Wally and his show up is because I read something on his Facebook wall and I knew instantly that I was going to steal it and talk about it. I let him know, but I want to be sure and give credit where credit is due. In this post Wally was talking about the essence of leadership. It was beautifully and accurately worded and I’m going to share it with you then talk about it for a little bit. Wally wrote: “Men, if you have to tell someone you’re a leader, chances are, you’re not. Those who chose to follow you make you a leader. You’re position does not determine if you’re a leader. Your age or seniority does not determine if you’re a leader. Your skills determine if you’re a leader. Not even being a dad and a husband make you a leader. When others choose to follow you, then you’re leader. That is not a free ticket to start managing other people’s life. You must remain humble in your position as a leader and continue being the man others have chosen to follow and or walk along side you.” So that’s what he wrote. I love this. To me this is like poetry that doesn’t rhyme. I think one reason this speaks so loudly to me is because during my life I have known so many men who got this completely wrong. so called “leaders” who abused their title because they didn’t understand it. I think some leaders are born, it just comes naturally to them and it isn’t something they asked for or even necessarily want. I believe there are others who learn how to become leaders throughout the course of their life. Since it can be learned and improved upon, I classify leadership as a skill. Wally said: “Those who choose to follow you, are who makes you a leader.” No truer words have ever been spoken. The very important word in this sentence is “choose”. People choose to follow a true leader, they aren’t made or coerced to follow. Lets think a minute about why any man or person would choose to follow another man. I know what it takes for me to follow someone. First I would have to trust that person, he would have proven to me that he only says things he means. His words have weight, and they would be backed up by his deeds. Secondly, if I were to think of a man as my leader then he would have to have a great deal of confidence. Not bravado or arrogance, but real natural confidence that was earned through his own experience. Confidence earned through living and navigating his own mistakes. The kind of confidence a man only displays when they truly know themselves. Thirdly, If I were to follow this man and call him my leader then I would have seen evidence that he had genuine care for the people that followed him. He would not wield his authority as a club, but rather as a staff that others could hang onto and be pulled forward with. It would be obvious that he viewed his position of leadership as a position of service—as a responsibility. The fourth thing I would expect from my leader would be competence, which is kind of a result of having the before mentioned things. Evidence of a competent man is someone who is decisive, he takes action when he needs to. His solutions often prove fruitful. The implementation of his ideas benefit not only himself, but the people who chose to follow him as well. The last thing I would require from a leader is humility. As Wally put it; “You must remain humble in your position as a leader and continue being the man others have chosen to follow, or walk along side of.” How many times have you seen leadership or authority go to someones head? Once that happens, it’s over. They are no longer leading at that point. They have became entitled by the very trust and faith people have put in them. Betrayed by their own ego, and usually at the ultimate expense of those who followed them. A true leader reminds himself every day of his own personal challenges and faults, and continues to make improvements in his own humanity. In other words, a true leader is a better man today than he was yesterday, and he does that every day. So, that’s what it would take for me to follow a man. It might seem like a strict list, and it should be. There are not many men who fill all of these requirements, but there have been a few. My dad is at the top of the list. He is a fantastic leader of mine and he’s so humble he doesn’t even realize it. He leads almost exclusively with his own example. I suppose when I was younger I was more lenient when it came to what kind of man I would follow. The bar was a bit lower because I was at an earlier stage in my own development and there was much to learn from many people. The older I get, the more I require. The more I expect out of anyone who would presume to be my leader. You should ask yourself what kind of man you would follow. Right down a list of things you would require from a leader. When you get all done take a look at that list and then ask yourself how many of those qualities you possess. Seriously—if you require certain traits from a leader then should’t you also possess them, so that you can be qualified to lead yourself? <h4 clas...

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227 – One Of The Worst Things You Can Do

Jul 21, 201700:08:28Tap to summarize

One Of The Worst Things You Can Do… It is time once again for Being A better Man, the podcast focused exclusively on the character of men in all of its various forms. I am your humble sherpa on this journey, my name is Alf Herigstad, I’m the creator and host of this show. Before I delve into today’s content I’m going to take a moment to acknowledge the sponsor of our Friday episodes: StumpTown Kilts. Stump town Kilts is a company located in Portland Oregon, also known as “Stump Town”. It is there that a few brave, industrious souls dedicate their life to the creation of what I believe to be the best kilts money can buy. Each kilt is expertly crafted with the finest most durable material. The designs are both functional and innovative, which means they have features other kilts do not. Such as the huge hidden pocket, adjustable sizes and snap on accessories. One of my favorite features is that I don’t have to iron them. In addition to having an amazing kilt that will be the envy of everyone who see’s you, you will also have the privilege of dealing with the people who work there. They are all great people who really care about your comfort and appearance when you are wearing their product. Right now you can receive a substantial discount as a listener of this show. Just go to stumptownkilts.com. It’s an easy website to navigate. Pick out your color, size and accessories and then when you check out enter the code: betterman, all one word all lower case. When you do that you will receive your discount and you will also let them know you are a listener of Being A better Man. Go to stumptownkilts.com and enter the code: betterman today. _______________________________ We all have certain things that disgust us right? One of the things that disgusts me is when I hear a grown man complaining about his wife or girlfriend, running her down to other people, demeaning and disrespecting her. I really don’t enjoy hearing men complain about anything at all, I think it’s pathetic…but it is particularly nauseating to me when a man will complain about his significant other. Don’t get me wrong. It’s one thing to confide some legitimate problem you are having to a friend, seeking advice and counsel. I don’t consider that complaining. Sometimes we have to do that to work things out. What I’m talking about is when guys will complain about someone just for the sake of complaining. Or when they will try to be funny by saying derogatory things, at the expense of someone who isn’t there to defend themselves. Also, when a guy will call his significant other vulgar names and speak about her in disrespectful, unflattering terms. It happens all the time and I’m sure you have heard someone do this. Perhaps, you have been guilty of this yourself on occasion. There are several reasons I have a problem with this. For one thing, when a man is in a relationship he has a basic function, a duty to perform. That duty is to provide a high level of care to the other person. To look out for them, protect them, defend them and be a good man to them. So it blows my mind when a guy feels like it’s ok to throw all that out the window by doing the exact opposite of that. When a man is complaining about and berating his significant other not only is he belittling her, but he is making himself smaller at the same time. If a man is behaving exactly opposite to what his duty as a man would dictate—then, is he even a man at all? The other part that gets me about this is that I don’t understand why it happens. Why, if a guy is that miserable. If a guy is so dissatisfied with his relationship that he has to complain to other people. Why doesn’t he either; a.) get counseling or help to fix the problem. Or b.) Just get out of the relationship? If you are that miserable to the point that you abandon your manly duties why don’t you just end it and move on with your life. Stop wasting your time and your partners time by perpetuating the misery. Just get out, get out or fix it. I feel about complaining like I feel about excuses; there is not any valid reason for doing it. It’s even worse if there are children in the relationship. Now, on top of being less than a man. On top of being a whiney sniveling douchebag, and in addition to totally disrespecting a person you have pledged allegiance and fidelity to. Now you are also disrespecting your own children by demeaning their mother. I like to imagine that the vast majority of my listeners do not do this. There may be a few of you who do though, maybe that’s the example you got when you were growing up? Maybe that is just the culture you live in and no one ever really told you it was wrong. That is not a valid excuse, but either way I’m telling you right now that there is another, better way to be. Hopefully you guys listening are not the type of guys that do this, but perhaps you know some people that do. If that’s the case then I invite you to share this episode with them. It’s the kind of thing that is difficult to hear from someone you know. So let me tell them, just send them a link to this episode or sit down and listen to it with them. Somehow in the evolution of our society this behavior of complaining about women to your guy friends became tolerated in some circles, even accepted. I think it’s time that we as a group start reversing that by speaking out against it and explaining to people why it’s wrong, and what the ultimate consequences are. Now head out into your weekend and be on the lookout for opportunities to make a difference, no matter how small. Stay true to your commitment to be a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to get a copy of my book Forging A Man if you have not gotten yours yet. Heck, why not get two and give one as a gift? Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check...

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226 – Choosing Your Friends Wisely

Jul 17, 201700:08:52Tap to summarize

226 – Choosing Your Friends Wisely… Today I’m talking about the skill of choosing who your friends are. You may have never though of it as a skill before, but I think it is. I think it’s a skill that can be learned because it isn’t something we are born knowing how to do, and also because it’s something we can get better at. I classify anything that can be improved upon with practice and effort, as a skill. As human beings we are pack animals. Our existence is made up entirely of the relationships we have with other humans. Our families, friends and acquaintances comprise the whole of our interactions and it is these relationships that become the fabric of our life. That’s one reason I always express the importance and value of relationships. As such, the other humans we choose to spend the most time with is critical. Lets face it; there are good people and bad people and everything in between. Our lives are heavily influenced by the other humans we choose to spend the most time with. So doesn’t it make sense to choose to spend time with people that will make our life better? I think it does. Nowadays people tend to be hyper sensitive about not being judgmental. As though there is something wrong about making a judgement about someone else’s character or value. I don’t get that at all. I think not only is it ok to make judgements about people, I think it is our obligation. We owe it to ourselves to do so. If I know that I am the sum total of the five people I spend the most time with, then I am going to be very discriminating about who those five people are. I will judge the people who come into my life to determine if they are aligned with my world view. Is there anything I can learn from them? Do they have experience or knowledge that I seek? I will judge wether or not they will be a liability to my objectives, or if they will be an asset. At the same time I expect those people are judging me by the same criteria. If there is a group of people I want to be a part of then I need to bring some sort of value to that group. If my presence doesn’t elevate the sum total of that group in some way—then why would I expect they would want me around? At the same time I need to genuinely like the people I spend time with. I need to enjoy their company. Some people may be aligned with me in every conceivable way and yet—our personalities are simply not compatible. Maybe their sense of humor is off, or maybe I have some habit or mannerism that drives them crazy. It’s really difficult to form meaningful relationships with people you don’t like being around. There are many, many components to consider when choosing who your friends are. There are lots of moving parts, many filters to pass through. The skill part I spoke of earlier is in being able to discern between all these elements, and having the willingness to act on them. That’s where most people drop the ball. We have all known someone that we knew was not a good fit. Maybe we knew we couldn’t completely trust them. Or maybe there was something about them we just didn’t agree with, or whatever. Even though we knew this intellectually, we just kept them around anyway. We did not have the willingness or ability to act on what we knew was not in our best interest. Maybe they were also friends with someone else you really like and you didn’t know how to eliminate the one without also losing the other? There are a million reasons why we allow people to linger in our lives when we know they don’t belong there. I used to be horrible at choosing who my friends were. I was young and idealistic. Having friends was like currency, and felt like everyone deserved a chance. I wound up getting burnt often, and taken advantage of. My sum total was diminished by some of the people I allowed to spend time with me. I learned the hard way over time that it was possible to be friendly, and kind to people, without them actually being my friend. I learned that when it came to me and my life, that everyone did not actually deserve a chance. It became my obligation to make smart choices. Even right now there are many people who consider me their friend. But the people I count as friends is a very small number in comparison. The skill of choosing your friends is in the early detection, and quick decisive action of making the actual choice. Think about all the people you know right now. Think about what value you provide them and also what they do for you. Is there anyone who is an actual liability to your goals? You may want to consider eliminating those people from your sphere of influence. It can all sound kind of cold and calculating, even superficial and impersonal. It really isn’t though, because the bottom line is that when it comes to friends; quality trumps quantity every time. If someone passes through all your filters, and you have passed through theirs. If you have judged, measured and weighed one another and been found not lacking. After all that you wind up with a true friend of value that you will likely have until you die. You will have each others back and trust each other implicitly. One friend like that is worth 50 or even 100 mediocre friends. When our children are minors we need to help them choose their friends because they haven’t learned how yet. We all know how the wrong friends can influence children right? Well it isn’t any different for adults. Before we can really teach that skill to our children, we need to learn it and practice it for ourselves. Now head out into the world and when it comes to choosing your friends don’t be afraid to judge the fitness and worth of others. Do yourself the great kindness of choosing well. At the same time be mindful of the value you bring to others. Above all, when you wind up with a good friend treat them like gold and never, ever take them for granted. Always be a better man, and a better friend today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. <img class="size-medium wp-image-2592 aligncenter" src="http://www.beingabettermanpodcast.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/ecover_original-200x300.jpg" alt="ecover_original" width="200" height="300" srcset="http://www.beingabettermanpodcast.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/ecover_original-200x300.jpg 200w, http://www.beingabettermanpodcast.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/ecover_original-768x1152.jpg 768w, http://w...

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All episodes

235 – The Return…With guest Les Moore

234 – Errors In Judgement, and How To Handle Them

233 – There Are Always Options

232 – Hate Makes It Impossible, To Be A Better Man

231 – Plan Your Next Adventure!

230 – When It’s Hard Being A Father

229 – Living A Half-Assed Life

228 – What Is Required To Be A Leader?

227 – One Of The Worst Things You Can Do

226 – Choosing Your Friends Wisely