The Most Interesting Lady in Colorado #187

Summary

Podcast Summary: Bellied Up — “The Most Interesting Lady in Colorado” (#187)

Hosts: Charlie Berens (A), Myles "You Betcha Guy" (B)
Date: February 12, 2026
Location: Maddie’s Bar, New Berlin, Wisconsin

---

Overview

Episode #187 of Bellied Up, recorded at Maddie’s in New Berlin, features Charlie Berens and Myles "You Betcha Guy" catching up over drinks, discussing Midwestern life woes and hilarities, and taking live calls from listeners. This week brings standout Midwest banter, relatable tales of small-town bureaucracy, and a memorable, multifaceted caller: Bethany from Colorado, who may just be the most interesting lady in the state. The episode explores themes of homeownership headaches, the challenges of being ‘Midwest Nice’ in small communities, and the journey toward self-acceptance and authenticity.

---

1. Opening Banter: Homecoming, Meat Sweats & Midwest Guts

Timestamps: 00:00 – 11:16

• Charlie and Myles return to Charlie's hometown bar.

  • Charlie reminisces about growing up in New Berlin, praises the bar’s Old Fashioned, and jokes about creating a Lambeau Field–like outdoor experience:
    • "I would have touched tips and tails with you, Miles. I for sure would." (00:22)

• Meat sweats & food regrets:

  • The hosts recall a steak dinner that left Charlie sweating, sleepless, and battling wild dreams, while Myles’s "iron stomach" stayed unbothered.
    • "That ribeye just started boxing with my guts, and it was causing so much heat that I was just sweating, sweating up a storm." —Charlie (03:23)
    • Myles jokes about being so tough inside because of years of Midwest eating.

• On dental hygiene practices:

  • Friendly ribbing over flossing and brushing intensity leads to classic “you brush too hard/too soft” debate:
    • "You got a floss every now and again, Miles? ... Not all." —Charlie (09:17)
    • "I do it once a year when I go to the dentist." —Myles (09:20)

---

2. Call #1: The City Code Conundrum (Joe from Wisconsin)

Timestamps: 16:00 – 41:18

Situation Recap

Joe, a Southern transplant to the Midwest, is grappling with the local historic society/city planner (one grumpy official handling both). He feels targeted after converting a rundown corner house into the best home on the block, but repeatedly encounters slow permits, unexpected rule enforcement, and a request to remove trees. He wonders if he should keep playing nice or finally push back.

Key Moments & Insights

• Resentment builds over perceived slights:

  • "There were a hundred different locations that they could park the excavator. But he chose my yard." (18:54)
  • Excitement at improving the house is met with bureaucratic obstacles and slow communication.

• Host perspectives on Midwest attitudes toward authority:

  • "Everyone's knee jerk reaction is to dislike authority if it's inconvenient... So people either don't think about [city officials] or... they don't like that." —Charlie (28:43)
  • Myles jokes about “flooding the zone” by encouraging many neighbors to request projects as a distraction technique.

• Role-play with the caller to practice persistent, polite conflict resolution (27:15 – 29:54).

  • Myles humorously acts as the gruff city official: "That file's about a thousand pages long... you're the one with the illegal driveway, the illegal trees..." (27:32)

• Advice on navigating small-town politics:

  • Leverage relationships. The mayor may be helpful — maybe even over dinner and a few drinks:
    • "Maybe you and your wife take the mayor out to dinner, and then you casually bring this up halfway through, make sure he's had a couple drinks..." —Charlie (30:46)

• On the perils of power:

  • "Anytime you give anyone authority, 50% of those people will be a prick with their authority, and 50% will be cool." —Charlie (36:09)
  • Caller is advised to play “the long game," set ego aside, and use over-niceness and strategic relationships to get what he wants.

Notable Quote

• "Power turns a man strange." —Charlie (39:32)

---

3. Call #2: Bethany, the Most Interesting Lady in Colorado

Timestamps: 42:46 – 74:43

Context

Bethany from Denver calls seeking tips on being “grumpier,” wanting to tap into her inner hardass “Beth,” a break from her default “Bartender Bethany” persona. What unfolds is a freewheeling conversation uncovering her kaleidoscopic life as a botanist, painter, chess tutor, bouncer, and her adventures in love.

Key Moments & Insights

Creating Grumpy Alter-Egos

• "First of all, you need to get your RBF going. That’s your resting Bethany face. And it’s not actually the resting Bethany face. It’s the resting Beth face. It’s the face you make when a stranger calls you Beth." —Charlie (45:14)
• The hosts coach her through ‘Beth’ role-play, encouraging a split between her public persona and inner toughness (46:07).

Colorful Life Resume

• Bethany juggles jobs: after-school teacher, botanist, contract painter, and venue door bouncer.
  • "You are the most interesting woman in Denver." —Charlie (53:14)
  • "So you’re a painter who’s also a botanist, who’s also a chess teacher, who also is a bouncer." —Myles (53:06)
  • She clarifies her role is mostly ticket scanning, but she has closed many bars alone: "I've held down a lot of bars by myself..." (54:12)

The Denver Dating Scene

• Bethany candidly discusses her bisexuality, noting the universal difficulties of dating in Denver, especially with “Peter Pan boys who just want to hang out with their dogs and their moms” (56:03).
  • Humorous riff on recent exes who seek their mother’s validation in relationships.
• Exploration of lesbian dating dynamics and “baby gays”:
  • "No one wants to train like a baby gay." —Bethany (61:05)
  • "At a certain age, you can't train a baby gay... how to act and be confident." (61:14)

On Identity, Independence, and Romance

• Bethany reflects on her journey from rural Texas evangelical roots to a women’s college in Missouri — “LUGs: lesbian until graduation” (64:18).
• She seeks to reconnect with her grittier, self-sufficient side post-college:
  • "I miss that grumpy little badass that just put herself through college." (65:30)
• Hosts gently tease and offer to help draft her dating profile, emphasizing her desire for someone who shares hands-on skills and an appetite for life:
  • "So if I'm getting this right, if there are any women listening to this podcast who are lesbian in the Denver area, Beth is looking to date you... as long as you can do something." —Myles (67:45)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On lesbians as builders:

  • "They're always making something. Butch the builder... and the ones in Denver have at least three dogs." —Bethany (62:05)

• Reflecting on rural upbringing:

  • "I grew up in rural Texas... very evangelical Christian, very sexist." (63:29)

• Playful and real talk about sexuality:

  • "What's it like being one of them bi[sexual]s?" —Charlie, parodying "dad at a bar" question, leading to a surprisingly open discussion. (60:11)

---

4. Episode Close

Timestamps: 74:43 – End

• Charlie and Myles reflect on the frankness of the calls, double down on their own “genuine curiosity,” and crack wise about swapping roles with their producer, Jared.

• The hosts urge listeners to visit Maddie’s Bar, tip their bartenders, and send out well wishes to Bethany — and all the Midwest’s most interesting people.

---

Highlights & Timestamps (Select)

• Banter about Lambeau viewing experience, Charlie sweating out ribeye: 00:22 – 04:58
• The Flossing Debate: 09:12 – 10:24
• Caller Joe on Midwest City Bureaucracy: 16:31 – 39:32
• Midwest Power Corrupts? 36:09 – 39:32
• Bethany's 'Beth/Bethany' Persona Shift: 45:14 – 47:02
• Bethany’s Multihyphenate Resume: 53:06 – 53:14
• Denver Dating Critique, 'Peter Pan boys': 56:03 – 57:23
• LUGs (Lesbian Until Graduation): 64:18 – 64:27
• Bethany’s Dating Wishlist: 67:13 – 67:45

---

Memorable Quote Recap

• "Power turns a man strange." —Charlie (39:32)
• "Sometimes I think Jared should just take my job." —Charlie (75:33)
• "They're always making something. Butch the builder… and the ones in Denver have at least three dogs." —Bethany (62:05)

---

Tone

Irreverent, hilarious, and heartfelt — the episode offers a true slice of Midwest community, brimming with self-deprecating humor and genuine curiosity. The hosts are playful, occasionally brash, but always looking to help callers find empathy, practical advice, and a good laugh.

---

For Listeners: Why Tune In?

• Real, unfiltered Midwest advice on bureaucracy, relationships, and being yourself.
• Two creative, funny hosts who mix heart and humor in every segment.
• Callers who bring unique, relatable, and often surprising stories from all around the Midwest and beyond.

---

Transcript

[A]

Hey, folks, welcome to another episode of the Bellied up podcast. I'm here with my good friend, my comrade, my not lover, but metaphorical lover, brain lover, Miles. That. You bet you guy.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, if we were avatars, we would have taken our, like, tails and put them together at this point.

[A]

I would have touched tips and tails with you, Miles. I for sure would. Yeah. We're here at Maddie's in New Berlin, Wisconsin. I grew up in New Berlin, Miles. Fun fact. Sure did.

[B]

This is a hometown. This is a homecoming.

[A]

Homecoming. Let me tell you, Chris over here at Maddie's makes one heck of an old fashioned. Oh, my gosh. I got the Maddie's Old Fashioned.

[B]

Little olives in there.

[A]

Some olives I gotta press.

[B]

Yeah. Outdoor space here at this bar chart.

[A]

Oh, my God, Jumbotro. They can fit 1500 people out there. They said.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I want to test it.

[B]

I bet. Actually, a Packer game is pretty sick out there.

[A]

I bet you it is. I betcha, you know, it'd be pretty cool. Actually, right now it's snowing out there to do kind of like a Lambo experience, you know what I mean? Like, just have people watch the game outside. Yeah. You know, and you kind of upsell it. It's like the Lambo experience package comes with like $12 beers and.

[B]

Yeah, sure, that would work.

[A]

No, that won't work. No, but I like watching a game outside, to be honest with you.

[B]

Yeah, like in the stadium or just anywhere outside.

[A]

My friend Pam, she's got a house over by Lambeau Field. Pam. Yankee, fabulous farm babe. Shout out. And you can watch the game on the Lambo jumbotron from her backyard.

[B]

That's pretty cool, isn't it?

[A]

Cool?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you got Wayne Larvy on the radio and then you can just watch it. I mean, that's. That's the way to do it, you know, she calls it the Pambo. Guys, I don't know if any of you know this, but Miles and I got dinner last night.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think they know it.

[A]

They do now.

[B]

They do now.

[A]

And Miles and I, we got the exact same thing. Exact same splitsies. We didn't split it, but I just copied what Miles ordered.

[B]

Yeah, it was. It was quite literally copy and paste. We got the exact same thing all the way through. We. We shared a crab cake.

[A]

Shared a crab cake. Miles wanted wine. I was skeptical of the wine. I was like, I don't know, it.

[B]

Was a fancier place. And I. We were getting steak, so I was like, let's do some wine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I said, one glass of wine.

[A]

I said, you know what, Miles? When in a fancy place, get the wine. Kind of like a when in Rome drink. Same church, different pew. But anyways, we both got the rib eye now, Miles, I got a question for you. How was your sleep last night?

[B]

Like, did I wake up? You mean?

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

No, I had trouble falling asleep.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So what happened to you now?

[A]

This rib eye we got was, you know, ribeyes are a fattier piece of meat. Yeah. And I think the gristle got to me, Miles. I think it did because I went to sleep good. I got to sleep nice. I did. I was conked out by 11:45. I'm guessing maybe 11:30, but it's tough to say when the actual REM started, but I think I was dancing in my dreams about 11:45. And then about 3:30 in the morning, that rib eye just started boxing with my guts, just. And it was causing so much heat that I was just sweating, sweating up a storm, Miles. And I had two blankets on going to bed because I keep my heat at 62 degrees all winter long, but I was sweating. And then I had to be like, did the heat go on? So I put out an arm, you know, and I was like, nope, that feels about 62 degrees. And it was just the internal heat.

[B]

It. Was there something inside of you trying to get out?

[A]

Yes, yes. My heart was having a fever and. And I don't know. I don't know. But from that point on, Miles, I apologize in advance if today I'm off my game because it was 20 minutes of wild dreams back awake, 30 minutes of a epic adventure back awake. And the heat. It took me till about 7:30 in the morning to get back to a standard heat temperature. And I woke up, I took two Tums first. I took one 750, Tom. I don't know what that means. It was just a number on the roll. I was like, oh, I've never paid attention to the numbers on the Tums roll.

[C]

I didn't know they had that.

[A]

I didn't know either. So I took one and I was like. And that might be a new thing, but anyway, I took one and went back to bed, weird dreams. Woke up, I took a thousand.

[C]

And.

[A]

That one though, was the minty thousand. Then I was, you don't got to brush your teeth. You're good. Yeah, but it was kind of like a chalky mint and nothing was working. I got up again, I was like, I got to need an apple or Something. Check the apples. They had mold. You ever get an apple, A moldy apple?

[B]

I've never seen a moldy apple in my life.

[A]

I go on tour sometimes, and it was. In the core was blue mold, which didn't seem too bad to me, so I cut it off, cut off a few pieces of that. It passed a sniff test. Popped an apple in just to see if that could break some things apart. And I eventually fell asleep for another little bit. But I'm here today, so I just wanted to bring that up just to see if you. Anitas. It's a nice place, nice restaurant. I'm not saying anything like that. I just think I was not ready for the piece of meat. And I ate half of what you ate, Miles, Which I'm. I'm concerned, you know, that. I don't know why we just weren't agreeing on it. My stomach and. And me, you know. Anyways. But it's good to be here with you, Miles, today. It really is.

[B]

So. So basically you just. You had to just take a shit this morning?

[A]

Nope, that hasn't happened yet. Miles.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I'm fine. It's. But I think the amount of energy it took to figure my stomach to figure out what to do with that cut of meat robbed you of your sleep. Yeah. And some people call this the meat sweats. Jared. I can tell you you want some to add. Oh, yeah. It could be the crab cakes, too, that got you. Yeah. Feeling all this way. Oh, something fishy.

[B]

I mean, he had a half a. I mean, it was.

[A]

Well, Miles had the same thing. Miles had half a crab cake. But it could have been disagreeable. I mean, Miles may have more of a hardened stomach when it comes to crab cakes and steaks. Could have been the wine band name. Crab cakes and steaks is a great bad name. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I don't feel that way at all. I feel. My guts feel pretty good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I don't know what that says about me, you know?

[A]

Well, I mean, I think. I think, you know, maybe. Maybe you're just more accustomed to the steaks and wine. I mean, I mean, are you eating.

[B]

Like a vegetarian or vegan diet right now or.

[D]

Nope.

[B]

Like, why? Okay.

[A]

No, I mean, I, in fact, have some bison in my freezer right now. I've been. I've been more of a bison and venison guy as a. I don't think I've had a steak, but for maybe a month. Month was ago as last time I had a steak, but I've still been Eating, you know, venison and bison and fish.

[B]

When was the last time this happened to you?

[A]

Oh, I don't know, Miles. I can't remember now. I. Sometimes I'll get. Sometimes I'll get the. The meat sweats.

[B]

What's kind of funny is, like, I'm coming through this week unscathed. Jared yesterday kind of had the same shit that you had. And the common denominator is I ate dinner with him that night, and then I ate dinner with you, and I feel great, and you guys feel like dog shit. What does that say about the insides of my body?

[A]

They're fighters.

[B]

They just have calluses. Yeah, from all the years or what?

[A]

They're just in there right now smoking a heater, you know? Send us more, Jerry.

[B]

That's all you got?

[A]

Jared, do you think. Do you think, like, were you. Were you getting the meat sweats the other night? No, I just.

[C]

I just.

[A]

My stomach felt like a block punt.

[C]

Just.

[D]

Just.

[A]

Just something like a rock in there.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

A little nauseous and sort of thing. Did you. Yeah, See, I was considering pulling trig. Did you get yourself a little Tums or something? Yeah, I had some Tums. Okay. I always bring Tums with me, no matter what. It goes before the toothbrush, does it? Tums before toothbrush. That's a great thing of, like, the. In order of least to most important things to bring in your toiletries plus is always last on the list. You.

[B]

Wait, you're bringing floss in your toiletry bag?

[A]

That's on occasion.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

You got a floss every now and again, Miles? Not all.

[B]

I do it once a year when I go to the dentist.

[A]

Well, you got some gappers.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, you got. You got some nice spacing. You know, your. Your teeth are in suburbs over there, some of them. And mine, mine, they're a little tighter together. So I got more of a city street situation, more of a brownstone situation over by me.

[B]

Like, if I floss right now, blood everywhere.

[A]

Oh, really? Well, you got to do it more than Miles. That's not healthy. We don't need your gums creeping into your teeth. But maybe it's a big floss conspiracy out there. I think we've given into. Oh, my gosh, they put eggs on burgers here.

[B]

I think that. I think in reality, most people, they always tell you, don't brush too hard. I don't think people are brushing hard enough.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I brush pretty hard.

[A]

You're a hard brush.

[B]

And I've never had a cavity. And the Dentists. I was going twice a year for a little bit there, and they said, excessive. We were like. They're like, we don't need you to come twice a year.

[A]

That's impressive. They said that.

[B]

They're like, yeah, we're just. This is wasted time for us.

[A]

No kidd.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How is a dentist just throwing away money like that? I don't know. Let me see those gum lines. Yeah. Now, not too receding. There's that one that's receding a little bit.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I might take you back to the dentist soon. Ask him if that. If that number one is.

[B]

Do you feel better about your teeth now?

[A]

A little bit.

[B]

After doing that to me a little bit. Thank you.

[A]

That's all this is, Miles. It's just me putting you down to the level of which I see myself. I'm just. I'm just projecting all my.

[B]

So, all right.

[A]

Insecure.

[B]

Are you feeling better now, Charlie?

[A]

Yeah, I got an old fashioned cooking, Miles. My.

[B]

That should help. I'm feeling good.

[A]

I'm feeling great.

[B]

Getting that burger with the egg on it should help too.

[A]

I mean, that looks good, though. See, that's how I know I'm better. Because that's looking tempting. Okay. Yeah.

[B]

All right, well, should we do some collars?

[A]

Let's do them.

[B]

You're feeling better.

[A]

So, like, rocking and lock and roll.

[B]

All right, Charlie, we new sponsor here on the Bellied up podcast. I got the sweatshirt on, and we got a pair of boots here from Brunt Workwear.

[A]

Brunt, baby.

[B]

What's kind of cool is they named. The guy started it, named the different boot brands after a. A buddy of his, like, their last name or whatever.

[A]

Oh, that's cool. Yeah, like, yeah, on the job site.

[B]

So it'd be like me, like, if I had a boot brand and I named would name it the Barons.

[A]

Oh, that's cool.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's kind of.

[A]

Or the tackle bo.

[B]

So, guys, if you don't know what Brunt work wear is, you got to check them out. Brunt was. The story goes, Brunt was sick and tired of the workwear brands out there cutting corners. You know, you work too hard to be stuck in uncomfortable boots that don't hold up, so they build something better. Boots that are insanely comfortable and built for any job site right now. For a limited time, our listeners can get $10 off at Brunt. When you use Code Bellied Up.

[A]

Code Bellied up, ladies and gents. And you get that $10 off, think about what you could do with that $10. Now that you don't have to spend on boots. Miles, what would you do with your $10?

[B]

I'd probably put it on another sweatshirt. I like these sweatshirts.

[A]

Sweatshirts are comfortable.

[D]

Hi.

[A]

How come? Oh, wow. I didn't realize you were wearing that this whole time. Geez, that's a nice one. I kind of want to get that color, too.

[B]

So, Charlie, I also want to reveal what's ready.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, reveal.

[C]

Wait.

[A]

You have to do the thing where they do that right. Why do they do that?

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Look at that. Oh, that's a good smelling shoe. I will tell you that right now.

[B]

Jared's wore those many times now, so you like the smell of his.

[A]

Oh, that's. Is that a steel toe?

[B]

They do have a. The comp toe is what they call it. I'm actually wearing those right now if you want to pop that off.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, you want to try this one on? Oh, yeah. Miles, you got to be stretching the hammies more. Oh, yeah, look at that. That's nice.

[B]

So, guys, if you want boots like these, very comfortable, right out of the.

[A]

Box, off the bar.

[B]

But they're also durable. You got to go to bruntworkwear.com use code bellied up for 10 off. I'm a little out of breath after eating a burrito and put my leg up on the bar.

[A]

I can tell. You know what I like about these boots, Miles? Church boots.

[B]

Yeah, you could wear those ones in church.

[A]

Yeah. And you could even do it as a wedding, you know, because the slacks are gonna go over the top there, and all you're gonna see is this nice, beautiful brown leather. You know, That's a nice. That's a nice boot right there.

[B]

I like. I like how you can go from.

[A]

Job site to church, Miles.

[B]

That's what we're looking for.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, so go to brownworkwear.com guys. Use code bellied up. Charlie, this week is Valentine's week. Valentine' because when people try to be romantic and Wisconsin winner tries to humble, you immediately.

[A]

Hand stuff.

[B]

Yeah, you don't want to be doing hand stuff around Valentine's Day in the car when you're driving, especially with the winter conditions.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

You know, you get. You got the hand stuff, you got the reservation, you're dressed nice, you're feeling good, Then you pull into the restaurant lot, and it's pure ice. Slicker than. You know what? Not a parking lot. That's not a parking lot out there, Charlie. It is a rink. You step out confident. Boom. You're on your back, you're Laid out like a cartoon. And your significant others pretending they don't know you while strangers are watching the whole thing.

[A]

Embarrassing on Valentine's, even after you got hand stuff. That's terrible.

[B]

Okay, so, yeah, so she's pretending she doesn't know you. You know, there's also a chance that while you are playing with the shifter in the car, putting it in park drive, you get rear ended at a stoplight.

[A]

Sounds erotic.

[B]

Someone's checking their phone. Like, because someone else is doing stuff in the car on the way to their dinner. If they're doing foot stuff, the pedal. If date night turns into an injury or a crash. Nicolay laws, who you call to fight for what's fair. 1-855-Nicole hello, Joe.

[C]

Hey, how's it going? Where are y' all at?

[B]

We're at Maddie's Bar and Grill here in New Berlin. Home of Charlie Barron's, Wisconsin.

[C]

Oh, New Berlin. All right.

[A]

New Berlin.

[B]

So we hear. Jared told me about this before we called you here, and I am very curious of where this is going to go, but you are having. You're in a little bit of a. You're having a complaint about your local historic society.

[C]

Well, the guy is. Okay, I'll give you the background. So I'm. I'm not from Wisconsin. I'm from the South. But I moved to Wisconsin two years ago, hoping I'd make a bunch of Midwest nice friends. But unfortunately, I've made one enemy and I'm trying to reverse course and turn him into a friend.

[A]

A Midwest to me.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. But he's. So he's the historic society guy, but he's also the city planner. So he's in charge of, like, making sure that the codes are enforced and like, municipal operations.

[B]

Yeah. So he's a professional narc.

[C]

Pretty much. And that was kind of what I wanted to figure out. Like, do people in the Midwest respect their city officials or should I just blow this guy off? Well, at the same time, I want to be nice to him because I live in a small town now and I realize that I'm gonna have to see these people again, you know?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, let's first figure out what he did to wrong you here.

[C]

Yeah. Okay. So, you know, all of it listed out doesn't maybe sound as bad, but, like, it's mostly a general vibe that I get towards me. But my fiance and I moved up here about two years ago. We bought a fixer upper in this small town. It's in a very prominent location. Like, it's right next to the sign for our town. So not to brag. Everyone kind of knows, like, us.

[B]

And how to block my house is kind of a big deal. It's kind of the cornerstone of the town.

[C]

There's no hiding it. Like, he knows that I live here and he knows the house.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

It was the worst house on its block. Now it's the best house.

[A]

Like we set up Bragg. Hey, did you do the work yourself?

[C]

Actually, my fiance did. 90% of it. I can barely hold a hammer. She's the hand. Because she's from the Midwest, so she's handier than I am.

[B]

Okay. All right, so let's store that information away for later. Charlie. Collecting information here.

[A]

All right, Got it. Got it.

[C]

So. So basically, we made it look good. Like, did a bunch of landscaping. The first thing that he did was he parked an excavator in my yard. Because they redid our road. Yep. And they were pretty much a hundred different locations that they could park the excavator. But he chose my yard, and I took it personally.

[A]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I get that.

[B]

I get that.

[C]

Not a small bulldozer. Right. Like a big excavator blocking my view. They crushed my. It was fall. They crushed my leaf piles.

[A]

They didn't crush your leaf pile.

[B]

Oh, no, not the leaves.

[C]

They drove right through my leaf pile that I had just made.

[A]

You were just about to jump in those leaves. Dude.

[C]

I know I'm taking it personally, but, like, this guy can clearly tell that we take pride in our house, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So I. I took it personally. Maybe it wasn't, you know, maybe he wasn't trying to wrong me, but that's how I took it. He parked it on.

[B]

So hold on. So. And when you say he could have parked at a hundred different places, do you mean that he could have parked it at anyone else's house?

[C]

No. Like, there's a side street with an empty lot that he could have parked it on. Like, there's just a lot of different, better places. But he chose my yard specifically well.

[A]

Do you ask permission?

[C]

No. I woke up one day and there's an excavator in my yard.

[A]

Now, is that on part of your yard that's like city property?

[C]

Like, yeah, technically, it's the right of way. Yeah.

[A]

So technically, it's. I get it. Okay.

[B]

I see.

[A]

Still annoying, though. I get it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And so he. So it was also. We had, like, half. We have a driveway and a half. Or we did, because this place used to be a duplex. And so, like, there is a Like a driveway apron. And they got rid of that when they redid the road, which they didn't ask either. It was technically, like, against city code because it wasn't going to a full driveway. So, like, I understood that, but they didn't give me any heads up or warning or anything. And that was, like, where we did extra parking and stuff. So, again, like, maybe not a slight towards me, but I still took it that way. Mm.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Anytime I try to get in touch with this guy to, like, pull a permit, it takes four months.

[B]

Oh, yeah, well, that's.

[A]

Yeah, that's standard practice.

[B]

Get in line. You know, you realize that there's someone else that he. That's waiting on him as well. It's been six months, you know, Exactly.

[C]

But, like, I'm the kind of guy, like, I'll call, you know, Like, I'm not afraid to just call the city. Like, never in the office, not once have I been able to reach him.

[A]

Oh, he's.

[B]

That is by. By design.

[C]

But anyway, the biggest. So what I took most offense to is that we did a bunch of landscaping and planted trees and stuff. And when he came, because I pulled a permit to I want to rebuild a second driveway, he came out to look at it, and he's like, oh, by the way, you gotta cut down those four trees. Cause we're on a corner lot, and there's a vision triangle for the oncoming traffic to be able to see. He's like, those four trees are in the vis triangle. And like, basically, he didn't measure anything. He just kind of said that, and then he eyeballed it. I looked at the code, I measured my fiance, and I measured, and I really don't think they're a violation. So we threw him a bone and we moved one tree, but I have not yet moved the others, which is part of my dilemma. I'm like, should I listen? Should I even listen to this guy?

[A]

Well, is it too cold or not? Is he right or not?

[C]

I don't think he's right.

[A]

Well, you measure. What do you mean, you don't think. I mean, you measured it.

[C]

It's mer. I don't know if you've read city code. It's pretty murky. It's not very easy to understand.

[A]

Yeah, I get it.

[B]

I mean, just any, like, city, county code is crazy. Like, at. At, like, where I got a lake cabin.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If you want you.

[C]

The.

[B]

The rule is, if you're gonna, like, tear your place down and build something new, how close you can get to the lake you just take a string and you put it on the front of the two neighbors. You run a string between the two neighbors houses, and that's how far you can get to the lake. You can't go past that line, really?

[A]

So it's half the distance between.

[B]

Yes, yes. Basically. Yeah. So if. So if like one house is further back and one house forward, wherever that line is, your house can't go past that line.

[A]

Oh, you gotta be shitting me. Yeah, it's so bizarre.

[B]

It's like, funny that it's like, not. There's no like, official number, you know, it's not like, you know, because 25ft or 50ft from the shoreline, it's just like. Yeah, just take out a string line, run it, then go from there.

[A]

I would love to see how they write that into the code.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It's basically it as I just said it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Word for word, almost.

[C]

I will add all the trees are within my fence. I understand the concept of division triangle, but like, we didn't plan anything outside of the fence. It's not. Nothing's in the right of way.

[B]

Yeah. How big is your town?

[C]

It's. It's small. It's like 5,000 people.

[B]

Yeah. So I think, like, part of it is probably there's not a lot of other people doing much in town and you're like, just really hammering this guy for permits and stuff. And you've been really renovating. So it's more so like you. The more attention you draw to yourself by contacting this guy is actually getting worse off for you, you know?

[A]

Yeah, I think. I think it's. This is worth a. It's worth a chit chat. I think at some point, you know, like, you can probably find out this guy lives in the community. You can probably. Do you know a lot of people there yet or.

[C]

No, not really. I know all my neighbors, but not personally. No.

[B]

What are your neighbors? Are they having troubles with this guy?

[C]

Not that I've heard of. But also, I don't think anyone's really done any big projects here in the last 20, 30 years.

[B]

That's what I'm saying, dude. You're like the only one he's dealing with. So he's hyper focused. So you got to start encouraging your neighbors to start doing projects.

[A]

Yeah. You flood the zone. This is about this, about muzzle velocity. You got to start getting a lot of other projects going so yours can slip through the cracks.

[C]

Yeah, well, I also, like. I just get the vibe that he doesn't like me, which maybe I'm probably thinking about him more than he's thinking about me. But you know, I just want like, I really want him to like me.

[A]

Well, what's that about for you? What's that about for you?

[C]

I think I've had at least one enemy in every town that I've lived. But I want to be midwest nice, you know, I'm trying to acclimate to.

[A]

The culture and has that one enemy in every town you've lived? Always been the guy at city hall?

[C]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

No. And that's the thing. So it's just this one guy. I actually have good relationships with everyone else here. Even like the mayor. I know the mayor and he's nice, he likes me.

[A]

Oh, you know the mayor?

[B]

Ask the mayor what's going on.

[A]

Do a little intro for you guys. Tell him I just want of clear the air and you sit down with the guy and just have a chit chat.

[C]

Yeah, and I just wish like, even if he told me something was against code or I had to change something, I just wish he'd be nice about it. He's just not very nice.

[B]

He works for the city. His job is to be not nice.

[A]

You know, Easy attack dog.

[C]

Yeah, I don't know, it just wasn't what I expected, you know, I expected more Midwest kindness.

[A]

Well, I mean, look how kind have.

[B]

You been to him.

[C]

I'm very. So, I'm persistent, but I'm very polite.

[A]

Polite and persistent. Okay. All right.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, very fine line. I'd like to, you know, I'd like to watch some film on you being polite but persistent and, and maybe get a ocular pat down and if that's the real reality. Charlie.

[D]

Yeah?

[A]

You got any emails popped up?

[B]

Yeah, let's, let's, let's see, let's hear what like. All right, so me and Charlie, we just pretend we're one human being and we're the city guy and you want to put a shed in the back and you're looking for a permit and you, you have, you're able, you were able to book a meeting and discuss said permit. We're that guy. You're you go be politely persistent.

[C]

Say hey man, I'm looking to build a shed and I just want to make sure I'm doing this the right way. Confirm everything that I need to. All the boxes that I need to check.

[B]

Oh, oh God. Okay. Which house is yours again?

[D]

You.

[B]

That one on the corner where the wife does all the fucking work and the guy just sits around on his ass. Is that you? Is that you?

[C]

Yeah, that's. That's me.

[B]

All right. Let me pull up your file. It's about fucking a thousand pages long. Let me see here. Oh, yeah. Yep, yep. You're the one that had the illegal driveway, the illegal trees. And I probably haven't notified you yet, but we're gonna have to tear out your mailbox as well.

[A]

Also, quick question. You see my excavator?

[C]

Yeah. I was blocking my view for about two months.

[A]

Oh, no way. I parked it. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I put it there.

[B]

Oh, oh, it's blocking your view. How about your trees blocking the view of the drivers that have kids in the back that maybe get in a car accident?

[C]

This he. So.

[A]

Yeah, no, listen.

[B]

So, okay, so why'd you come in here again today? Sorry, I got distracted by your huge file.

[C]

Well, the first question I had is do people in the Midwest respect their city officials?

[A]

I think it's. It depends on the city official. It depends. Like if my city official was giving me. Everyone's knee jerk reaction is to dislike authority if it's inconvenient, you know, so probably the people. People either don't think about them or if they do, it's because they haven't been able to get a permit or they've gotten some complaint. And yeah, they. I don't like that.

[C]

Okay, so, like, Miles, if you were going to do work on your lake house, like, would you, like. Are you checking to make sure everything's to code or are you just eyeballing it?

[B]

Well, I mean, if I'm going to actually build something, I got to get a permit. I'd get a permit.

[A]

Do you, though?

[B]

Yeah, I would. I would. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing. Like, when is anyone ever really gotten what they want with the city by being very resistant and complaining a lot, you know?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, these guys deal with it this a bunch. You got to kind of. You got to be like, over nice. Disarm them, and then you'll get your way. It's sort of a sweet talk situation. It kind of sucks. The other option is just never pull permits. But then you, you, you. If you. If you want to sell your house, that's going to be an issue.

[B]

Yeah. I think the other thing you got to keep on the watch here is you say you got a good relationship with all your neighbors, but I'm here saying that you may have a mole in the neighborhood. Neighborhood. And a lot of times city officials don't know what's going on until there's A whistleblower. So you may have someone in the neighborhood who's complaining about your trees and your driveway.

[C]

Well, I don't. I don't. That may be true. I don't think any of my neighbors would do that because, like, when I'm telling you my house is bad, like, it. It looked bad.

[A]

Oh, and you. I think they're grateful you've done a good service or your wife has. And so I think. Listen, I think what I really do think, what you do is you kind of do a little chit chatting around town. Casually ask. Ask the mayor if he knows this guy. You know the mayor. Well, right.

[C]

Yeah, decently. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So maybe. Maybe you and your wife take the mayor out to dinner, and then you casually bring this up halfway through, make sure he's had a couple drinks, you know, and then. Then you'll get the real vibe from the mayor on this guy. You know, you'll find out if the mayor likes him or not, but either way, the mayor can help you pull some strings. He's the mayor. Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I do think it is quite crazy that he ripped out your driveway without telling you.

[A]

That's. That is there. We've been, you know, pulling your chain here on a few things. We've been kind of going a little tough on you. But the truth is. Yeah, if this guy sounds like a pain in the ass. No doubt.

[C]

Yeah. Well, it was just a heads up, you know, like, if he had just told me he was doing it, that would have been better. But it was the surprise.

[B]

Yeah, that's. Yeah.

[A]

Wait, wait, wait. Did you email him after this surprise?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Can I pull it up? Yeah, pull that email.

[B]

I want to know.

[A]

I want to hear.

[B]

And we want word for word.

[A]

Do not do any redactions. This is a. This is a FOIA request right now.

[B]

Not the Epstein files. We want the whole thing.

[C]

I can't give away who these people are, so I can't do a full.

[A]

Okay, well, just change the name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What town is this again? Sometimes they say it.

[C]

So I did. Okay, well, here's another thing. So when they ripped it out, I said, just, yeah, because it was half a driveway. And so I kind of fibbed and said, like, I had a plan to do the full driveway, because that was the issue is that it has to be connected to a full driveway. But I bought the house with it already there. So I just told him that, like, hey, I was planning to build the second driveway, so. So I actually convinced them they're gonna. They're gonna give me the apron part for the. For the real driveway that I'm gonna do.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And they're gonna pay for that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But I would. There's all this back and forth where he's like, we have to do it before the end of this year. We have to do it before the end of this year. And then I talked to another guy and he's like, no, we can do it next year.

[B]

So can you read the email?

[C]

I said, I'm the owner at Blank. And I was just informed by Blank that my second driveway apron will be removed during the street construction.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Recommended I reach out to you about.

[B]

So hold on. So hold on. You said that they just ripped it out and they didn't warn you?

[C]

Well, they. So I called them. I called them about the excavator being parked there because it was on the apron part in my yard. And they said, well, we're ripping that up. He's like, no one told you that because we're getting rid of it. Like, it doesn't matter that the excavators parked there because we're gonna rip it up anyway.

[B]

Okay, so you did get a warning before they just tore it out.

[C]

Well, because I was completely.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

He had.

[A]

He had to get.

[B]

All right, continue on with said email.

[C]

Well, that was it. I'm like, please let me know who to discuss about this and who to send the project to. And they had me, like, hand draw my plans, which I guess is normal, but, you know, I had to, like, send them 10 different drawings before they approve my plan for the new driveway.

[B]

So that was. That was word for word with your email. What did you say after that?

[C]

Well, from there, it's just kind of the nuts and bolts of, like, the driveway is not that interesting because they kept pushing me off to other people too. So how did. It wasn't even this main guy that I was dealing with most of the time, but he's the one who came out to do this survey.

[A]

Read me. Read me the last five words of the email.

[C]

I said, please let me know if you're the best person to send this to Slash. Discuss this project with. And that was a little bit. I was getting a little bit aggravated there because, like, there's too much back and forth. No, that's.

[D]

That's not. That's.

[A]

That's not the worst. I said the last five words.

[B]

That was like 15.

[C]

What.

[A]

What did you sign your name?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And what'd you put right before your name?

[C]

I said, that was what I ended it on. I said the best person to discuss this project with.

[A]

You didn't do any. I appreciate your attention to this.

[B]

Thanks. Maybe.

[C]

No.

[B]

No maybe.

[A]

Oh, you're past that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. So you were doing thanks early on in the emails.

[C]

Well, I just. Yeah, there's back and forth, and it was the time when I just needed answers.

[B]

I think at some point we need to call in the closer. We need to get your wife start emailing. You're running into a brick wall here, you know?

[C]

Well, the. The part B was how do I make this guy like me?

[A]

Well, you gotta. You. I mean, we gotta. You gotta know the guy to know how to make him like.

[B]

I think you gotta donate a park to the city. I think that's where we're really at.

[A]

Forget donate and park to the city. Donate a shoebox of cash to this guy. Everyone knows that's how you get some done in the city. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Maybe I give him the trees that I have to rip up or donate them to a park.

[A]

Yeah, there you go.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. This is like, I. I feel like if you just. If you just went into any random city.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're gonna. You're gonna. This is. We could walk down the road and find four people that have the same problems.

[A]

Yeah. Anytime you give anyone authority, 50% of those people will be a prick with their authority, and 50% will be cool. You know, it's some of that power in the human condition. Nothing you can do about it. You just got to find out, what does this person want and how can I legally give it to them or illegally without anyone else knowing. But that's for you to figure out.

[B]

You know, also, I want you to. Let's maybe kind of wrap. Let's put ourselves in his shoes.

[C]

All right? Right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Do you think growing up, his dream was to be working for a city, working on codes?

[A]

Yeah. You know, probably not. Probably not.

[B]

You think this was his dream?

[A]

What was his dream?

[B]

Do you think maybe he wanted to be a professional piano player, you know?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Maybe he wanted to sail the seven seas. That's settled for being a city official, you know, and that's just slowly eating away at him every single day. And when he sees a tree that's maybe slightly in a vision line, he says, that's gotta go. It's gotta go, because I am not out there sailing the seas. I'm here working on the city stuff.

[A]

Yeah. Maybe he's taken out his.

[B]

And that right there is maybe some fuel that, you know, you invite him out for coffee. Just get to know him, find out what's his, you know. Hey, yeah, you know, like, have you always been a city official? Is there anything else you were into doing? And then you really get them to open up, get to the root cause of this whole thing.

[A]

Yeah. And when you reach out to him, take one on the chin, Even if you don't, you know, you might have to say, hey, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I'll take responsibility for that. Can I buy you lunch sometime and just talk to you about what I'd like to do for my home in this city? You know, and then just. You're buying lunch, and if you can stomach that, you'll probably get what you want.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Gotta play the long game. Set the ego aside and just tell that guy what he wants to hear.

[A]

And make no mistake, if Miles and I were in this situation, we probably wouldn't do this. We'd just be bitching about it. But, you know, if you really want to resolve your situation, that's a way to do it.

[C]

Yeah, I might. I like your idea about the mayor. I might start with the mayor.

[A]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, start with the mayor.

[B]

The town runs through the mayor.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Some people know what makes someone beat, you know, And. And the mayor might have that on him. Hell, the mayor may have some dirt on him, and the mayor might be able to say, hey, Ghani, figure this guy out. Or I'll. Yeah, maybe tell them about the shoebox.

[B]

Maybe no one's told the mayor about how pain. Big of a pain in the ass this guy is. Maybe we could, you know.

[A]

Yeah, the mayor probably is responsible for hiring and firing to a degree.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Yeah. Well.

[B]

Yeah, you'll be all right.

[C]

Small town, Wisconsin politics and learning a lot.

[A]

Which town is again?

[B]

I. I also just don't think this is a Midwest deal. This is just the United States in general.

[A]

No, this is a power deal. Anytime. Some people can't handle power. They just can't. Some people can't handle money. Some people can't handle power. Some people get power, they turn into a prick. It's just the facts of human nature. So this is. You can't always judge location based on elected or unelected officials. Power turns a man. Strange.

[B]

Don't. Yeah, don't let this guy make your feeling about the Midwest turn sour, all right?

[C]

Oh, no. Everyone else has been Midwest. Nice. It's just this one guy.

[A]

All right, well, you tell your wife we says hi. What kind of what? What's her drill brand, by the way?

[C]

Ryobi.

[B]

Yikes.

[A]

You should be a good husband. Go get her some Milwaukee DeWalt. Either of those would be nice.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Not a sponsor. Not a sponsor.

[B]

I think they're all owned by the same company, though.

[A]

I know. I just, like, certain at some point, you just like that.

[B]

Yeah. All right, man. Well, we appreciate it. And good luck with the mayor.

[D]

Yep.

[C]

Will do. Thanks. Bye.

[A]

Bye.

[B]

I think he's just learning about what home ownership is.

[A]

You know, we should have asked him that.

[B]

What?

[A]

Like, is this your first home?

[B]

You know, I remember my first home.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Or like. Yeah, I think it just goes without saying that you're. You know, I remember waiting for six months for a permit, and. And there was no. No. Just no interaction and no apology. Nothing. And it's just like. Well, you just kind of assume that, you know.

[B]

Yeah. That's the way it goes.

[A]

Yeah. You could donate a wing to the Historical Society.

[B]

Yeah, we never even got in.

[A]

What the hell was a historical. Yeah, I think he did more.

[B]

Yeah, it clearly was not about the historical.

[A]

Yeah, he had a. He had an ax to grind, and I don't think we grounded enough for him. I think he was hoping we'd be more on his side, but we're here to help, not be a sycophant. You know, I think I said that word right. Is that a corduroy hat, Jared? Damn. Black corduroy hat.

[B]

You want one? We can send it. We can send one to you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We got more at the warehouse.

[A]

You guys just have a bunch of blank corduroy hats?

[B]

Yeah, we bought. We were maybe gonna do some with them. We didn't, so now Ryan's selling them on ebay, so. Nice. All right, well, that dude loves ebay.

[A]

Does he? Ryan?

[B]

Ryan. That works for me. If the listener doesn't know, he is. He's the king of ebay.

[A]

Just sitting there with a mouth guard, cruising ebay all day.

[B]

I'm pretty sure he leaves his note is, like, volume on. On his phone just so he can hear the Ka Ching sound when he sells something on ebay.

[A]

That's what gets him going.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh, bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So he's. He's making that money over there, huh? Good for him.

[B]

All right, should we do another caller?

[A]

Let's do it.

[D]

Bethany, hey, how's it.

[B]

Bethany, you are a hard gal to reach.

[A]

Yeah, we had to call you four times. Bethany, hey. Hello, Bethany. Bethany, tell us about your botany.

[D]

Botany. Well, I'm looking at some of it right now. There's a bunch of tree suckers over here.

[A]

What's that?

[D]

Elm trees.

[A]

Nice. What's the highest selling plant right now or tree?

[D]

The highest tree is. Looks like a linden tree. I'm at that. Oh, no, it's a big old pinyon pine over there and a blue spruce.

[B]

No, what's the highest selling?

[D]

Right. Oh, what's the highest selling tree?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, man, like 25 gallon, 15 gallons blue spruce.

[A]

Okay, one more. One last time. Now, what's the highest selling.

[B]

Oh, tree you got there. All right, Bethany.

[A]

I was. That was a trick. You passed.

[B]

Okay, do you go by Beth or just Bethany?

[D]

Bethany. My landscaper calls me Beth. So he gets a pass.

[B]

Okay. Do we get a pass?

[D]

Yeah, you can. Yeah, if you want. All right.

[B]

All right, Beth. So, yeah, you called in and you said you had something to talk to us about. And so far I think it holds up. You said that you're interested in being more grumpy.

[D]

Yeah. So, yeah. So I was a bartender for a long time, and I was trying not to be grumpy as a bartender, but now, like, you know, like my paint crew, my landscaping crew, like, I get to be grumpy. So I was like, maybe there's some, like, physical cues I could throw around. Like, I know, like, silence is a good sign.

[B]

Okay, so you. You would say, naturally, you are a pretty happy go, lucky gal then.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so. So you're calling us to get some advice on how to be grumpy, Charlie? Well, what are the. What are the 10 commandments of being grumpy, Charlie?

[A]

First of all, you need to get your RBF going. That's your resting Bethany face. And it's not actually the resting Bethany face. It's the resting Beth face. It's the face you make when a stranger call you back.

[B]

And honestly, that's a great point, Charlie. You need to start viewing yourself in kind of a split personality type thing. Bethany is nice. Bethany is a. Beth is a hard ass.

[A]

Beth is. Yeah, Beth is Beth. And you need to give Beth a backstory. Okay? Beth isn't. She's not.

[B]

Beth's done hard time.

[A]

Beth has done.

[D]

You already sound like my landscaper. He already has his bit. He spreads rumors around town that I've been in jail.

[A]

Well, you were in jail.

[B]

Lean into it.

[A]

You were in jail for selling those trees. You know what talking about.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You're a botanist.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Siberian elms.

[A]

Yeah. Not those trees. You were selling bricks of trees.

[D]

Bricks of trees.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You were transporting them across river boundaries. And then you got put in the big house. So that's Beth. She's seen some shit, she smokes. She smokes cigarettes.

[B]

She smokes anything she can get her hands on.

[A]

Whatever. Yeah, if it's smokable, she'll do it. She's put some. Some long grass in her pipe and puffed on that just for fun. Some kinnickinnik, which is willow bark. Yeah, just to smooth the.

[C]

I don't know what he's talking about.

[D]

Are you an herbalist?

[A]

I've been around some herbs, Beth, but, yeah, that's number one. So really build this backstory and live it. And I want you to pick one day a week to live as. Bet you get practice turning it on. You're going full Beth all day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Beth goes to a bar, and she doesn't have guys hit on her, she hits on a guy. Are you married?

[D]

No.

[A]

Good, because this would ruin that relationship. So you are just going to walk in a bar and walk out with the man or woman of your choosing? Beth. Maybe both at the same time.

[D]

Y' all just read me like psychics.

[B]

Yeah, I could tell. Yeah, I think another good way to be grumpy. I'm usually really grumpy when I'm hungover. So you could just become an alcoholic? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you're just constantly. Well, I guess alcoholics aren't constantly hungover. Just drink all night, and then the rest of the day you can be hungover.

[A]

That's. That's good.

[B]

Okay, so you just fucking told her to smoke everything under the sun, and then I say she should get drunk, and you're like, that's a bridge too far.

[A]

It's a bit of a Brit. Well, I'm trying.

[B]

You're telling her to just sleep with anyone she can get her hands on and that. And me saying she should get drunk every night. Too far. Suggesting that we spread rumors that she's in prison. And you're like, ah, getting drunk at night. Too far.

[A]

I was just thinking contact.

[D]

Bethany already lives on South Broadway in Denver, so you can't hurt me.

[A]

Oh, okay. South Broadway. I'm gonna pretend like I know what that means.

[D]

Don't y' all go to Denver?

[A]

Yeah, I did a show on Broadway, I think.

[D]

Do you ever go to Comedy Works?

[A]

Yeah, I've been there. Oh, you know what? I'll finish that fruit. Sorry, Sorry.

[B]

Oh, I'll.

[A]

I'll steal it off there. Just didn't want that to go into the garbage disposal there. Still. Sorry, Beth. They almost stole my fruit. Oh, no, but listen, Comedy Works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done the Paramount. That's a little ways away from there, isn't it? By the way, show coming up at the Paramount. You gonna come, Beth, or. No, Sorry, Miles, sorry. We're in the middle of a bit. We're in the middle of a bit.

[B]

Because he killed the bit.

[A]

Did you hear what she just said? No, we're in the bit, dude. I said, I got a show out there. You gonna go? She goes, we'll see.

[B]

She's full.

[A]

Beth.

[D]

I was just. I was just saying I have a lot of friends that work at Comedy Works.

[A]

Okay. All right. Nice. All right, Miles.

[B]

Well, you got to stop hanging out with people that professionally work at a place that's a laugh factory, you know? I mean, like, you got to start hanging around different crew if you want to be grumpy.

[A]

Well, that's.

[D]

That's true.

[A]

Yeah. But if. If the. If you're around the Chuckles a lot, Miles, you start. The chuckles kind of wear on you, and you never laugh, actually. You just say, oh, that's funny. Yeah.

[B]

Actually expose yourself to more comedy. Yeah.

[A]

So you don't get caught off guard with a smile when you don't want to be smiling.

[B]

Actually, you know who's a great case study for you? Beth is just Midwest dads.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So, like, if you can just take all of the pages in their book, you are going to live perpetually grumpy and therefore accomplish your goal.

[A]

Yeah. You want to be, on a daily basis, generally irritated because you kind of got a pee, but you can't. You got that engaged prostate generally preventing you from peeing, and you always kind of have to pee a little, but it's just not happening.

[D]

Yeah. So this is helpful. It's also just like, I get stuck in, like, bartender server voice, and I'm also a teacher after school, so it's, like, really hard for me to talk shit to my co workers when I sound like I'm about to bring them a side of ranch or something.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, we can role play it. We'll be your co workers, and we can, you know, coach you through it.

[D]

All right, so you just dropped the nail gun on the floor, stormed away, and you're looking for a tool.

[B]

God damn it. Ah, God. I knew I should have wore my steel toes.

[A]

I told you to wear the damn steel toes.

[B]

Son of a bitch. And nothing's ever where it should be. I'm looking for this other tool. I can't find it.

[A]

For God's Sake. It's over in the box. Look around.

[B]

I'm looking in the box.

[A]

It's not there. It's not in the box. It's in the bag. Look.

[B]

And here we go. Giddy. Bethany is here. Oh, Jeez Louise.

[A]

What do you want?

[B]

What do you want?

[D]

You want to pick up that nail gun? Can you do it Faster than you can pick up your pants. I can see all the way to your mom's house, by the way. By the way, she's going to be late to pick you up today. She called me, I was like, I can't do it.

[B]

Yeah, you sound like someone who's nice, who's trying to be mean.

[A]

You're laughing halfway through that. Bethany, come on.

[B]

Full Beth. Full Beth, let's go.

[A]

Full Beth, drink a gallon of water and call us back in 10 minutes.

[D]

A gallon? Literally.

[A]

We need you to. Well, I don't know. Metric system.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

We're in America.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

All right, so I can't do it.

[A]

I'm kind of confused though now. Were we. Were we just at a kids?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So where do you. I'm very confused. Jobs.

[A]

You're a bot.

[B]

Work at a bar. You work at a school. You also work with construction guys. I'm very confused.

[A]

Construction guys probably work at the school.

[B]

Are they fixing something on the school? The construction guys are fixing something on the school.

[D]

No. Okay. I. I'm a after school tutor for a chess club.

[A]

Do you're just listing more?

[D]

And I also work at a music venue, a dive bar, but just at the venue door. I'm not a bartender anymore.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Why not?

[D]

And then. Because I don't want to.

[B]

Okay, and then where did the construction guys come into the loop here?

[D]

The contract painters.

[B]

Okay, so you're a painter who's also a botanist, who's also a chess teacher, who also is a bouncer.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

You are the most interesting woman in Denver.

[A]

You really are. Do you know karate or something? Usually, and this is not sexism, but usually. Usually the bouncers are bigger fellas.

[B]

So what are you implying, Charlie, about Bethany?

[A]

Well, usually they're tall males.

[D]

Usually. Yeah. That's my ex boyfriend.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Nice. Okay, so did he get you the gig?

[D]

He. He works the. I got him the job. He works the front door. I work the venue door.

[A]

Oh, the venue door. I gotcha.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so you're. You're just. You're more so. Checking credentials.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah, just scanning tickets and stuff.

[A]

Not to say you can't do security. And that's. That's this. Yeah, there's this is not sexist at all. It's a little bit. A little bit sexy.

[D]

I've held down a lot of bars by myself. I've closed a lot of bars by myself, so.

[A]

I don't doubt that. I don't doubt you're a badass. You carry a piece with you?

[D]

I have, like, a stupid little cop gun, but it's my sister's.

[A]

Oh, I was talking about something to smoke the trees with. Never mind. All right.

[B]

What happened with your ex boyfriend? I'm curious about that because you seem like a very pleasant, nice gal.

[D]

I don't know. We still hang out. I think there's a. There's a prairie dog in here.

[A]

Why is this classic Midwest misdirection right there? Bringing up a prairie dog when she.

[B]

Starts feeling her emotions right out of Charlie Barron's. That was a page out of Charlie Barron's book. That wasn't a book out of Charlie Barron's.

[A]

That's how I picked up on it. You went for the prairie dog. I would recommend choosing a different animal.

[B]

We're not gonna. We gotta figure out what. So you guys are dating, but you're not anymore?

[A]

Yeah. You still.

[D]

No, we're not dating. We're not dating at all.

[A]

But you're seeing each other. You're talking.

[D]

We're just. We're just hanging out. He's. He's in his whole phase.

[A]

He's in his hoe phase. So are you. Are you approving of that phase?

[D]

Yeah, I mean, he. He just moved to Denver. Like, it's. It's gotta. It's. It's rough out here, though, I'll tell you. Everyone knows that, though.

[A]

Wait a second.

[B]

So he. He just. I don't think knows that.

[A]

Were you guys long distance?

[D]

No.

[B]

You gotta give us more details.

[A]

Yeah, because you said he just moved to Denver. You're in Denver?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So then he became your boyfriend, but now he's your ex boyfriend that you just still hook up with?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah. I don't know. It's like, I feel like boys in Denver are just. I mean, it's kind of common knowledge. Like they. They just want to hang out with their dogs and like.

[B]

So why'd you break up? Because he wanted to see other people or what?

[D]

It was a little more intense than that.

[A]

Oh, you walked in on them seeing other people?

[D]

No, no, it was like. It was like. Okay, so I've run into this a couple times in Denver. It's like a lot of men that just want to hang out with their family and like their moms.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Again, I don't. You gotta keep going. I'm not sure where you're going with this. This guy's got a weird relationship with his mom.

[A]

Take us down the prairie dog hole.

[D]

There have been two recently, actually, where, like, they. One was like, I don't have time for this because I gotta hang out with my family all the time. And the other one was like, anytime you would, like, get into any sort of conflict, he would just call his mom and his mom would, like, tell him that he was right.

[A]

You know how to pick them.

[D]

Yeah, apparently so. Yeah. It's some validation over that, I guess would be nice to. But, like, I'm just like. I don't know. All these boys, these Peter Pan boys.

[A]

Peter Pans.

[D]

I don't know what they need as I'm sitting here behind a blue spruce on a hillside.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, you could try and channel that to be grumpy. Just think about how much you hate that. Yeah, it's like the, like the water boy technique. Just picture the. The. Your guys. Your guys. Mom's face on everyone you talk to, and you bet you'll be pretty grumpy.

[D]

I'm down to have a relationship with your mom, but it's like.

[A]

So you swing both ways then.

[D]

Does it have to. Does it have to, like, be the. I don't want to be compared to someone's mom when I'm dating them.

[A]

Do you look like their moms?

[D]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So are you jealous of their moms that they're getting so much emotional connection with your. With your guys?

[D]

No, Like, I'm just like, I. I'm just like. Do you want to, like, hang out with me also?

[A]

Like, yeah. Maybe their moms are meeting more of their needs.

[D]

Yeah. Just validating the way they were as teenage boys.

[A]

Wow. There it is. There's the Beth. That's what we're talking about, like, to hear.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You see, you thought this was a useless conversation. Miles and I were simply figuring out where the Beth and the Bethany was.

[B]

Now we know that Beth is in there.

[A]

Beth is in there.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you really want to say to your situationship right now?

[D]

Now? I mean, I. I think I already said everything I can say about Denver boys. It's like, if you want to date your mom or you want to date your dog, that's fine. If you want to date a woman, they're. They're out there. They're going to say they're bisexual, and they will be.

[A]

Okay, so you.

[C]

You are.

[A]

You're you're swinging both ways.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

We'll go the other way then. See how that works out for you.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

No, you've tried that. What's your percentage? Are you like 4060? Are you in favor of men or 4060 in favor of woman? 50.

[C]

50.

[A]

What's your split?

[D]

I say I'm pretty 50. 50.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

But, yeah, it. It depends.

[B]

And I got a question for you, and you could. You don't necessarily have to answer, but what's it like?

[A]

It's going to be in a. Okay, sorry, I stepped on it.

[D]

What's it like to be a bisexual?

[B]

Like, so you're like walking in a bar and you're like, I could just hook up with anyone here.

[A]

That's the most dad at a bar question you could possibly. So what's it like being one of them by biases?

[B]

Like, a little bit, you know?

[D]

I mean, you definitely. Women are obviously a lot harder to build trust with. Yeah. I mean, a lot of the, like, old school, like, butch lesbians, like, they don't want to deal with someone who's flaky and.

[B]

Okay, so you're saying your words, not mine. The butch lesbians, they're less likely to want to date a bisexual woman is what you're saying?

[D]

Not less likely, just like, they're gonna be. They're gonna be more hesitant. Like, they don't. Like, no one wants to train like a baby gay.

[A]

Ah, okay.

[D]

Wow.

[B]

I've never heard it phrased like that before.

[D]

At a certain age, it's like, you can't. You can't train a baby gay. It's like a little exhausting. Like, how to. How to act and be confident.

[A]

What's the. What's the best way for a. A woman to hit on another woman in the bar? Asking for all the baby gays out there listening.

[D]

Talk about, just try and find, like, their nerd interests, like, obviously plants or, like, movies or whatever, like, weird stuff that they're into. I mean, they're always. They're also always building something. Like, my.

[A]

My.

[D]

My lesbians built their own wedding stage. One of my clients, she built. She built her own stage that they got married on. Yeah.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

I guess I didn't know that about the lesbian community, that they're just such builders.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. They're always making something butch. The builder and the ones in Denver have at least three dogs.

[A]

Three dogs.

[D]

Two to three.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Would you say. Would you say you're.

[B]

I like how you said my lesbians. Do you have A group of lesbians that are yours or.

[D]

Yeah, somewhat. I mean, I used to work at this brewery that was lesbian owned, and so there's a lot of lesbians in the craft beer community. There's a lot of lesbians in the craft beer community in Denver.

[B]

Yeah, I believe it.

[A]

That did not surprise me. So would you consider yourself a baby gay then?

[D]

No. God. I went to a women's college.

[A]

Ah, you've been around that block.

[B]

Is that when you found out that you were bisexual? Was that women's college?

[D]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

It wasn't. It wasn't Christian college, I tell you that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you didn't know until you went to college or you kind of knew and that's why you went to that college.

[D]

I went to that college because it was cheap and free and away from men.

[B]

And so why, so why at 18 years old were you trying to get away from men?

[D]

Because I. I grew up in rural Texas.

[A]

Enough said.

[D]

Yeah. Like, very evangelical Christian, very sexist.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

So you were just like, in the dorms and, and you know, you're just like, let's do this thing. You know, you're at like one of the. You're. You're at one of like the.

[C]

The ra.

[A]

The.

[B]

The.

[C]

The.

[A]

Right.

[B]

There are RAs, the resident whatever. In the dorm. Yeah, the RAs were doing, like, icebreakers first week of college, and you just like, hey, I just. This gal's hitting on me. I'm just gonna try it out. Is that how it happened?

[D]

It was more like flirting. Just a lot of flirting. Like, I never. I never had, like, a real girlfriend. I just had, like, very serious crutches. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Okay.

[D]

Yeah, but we had. What was it called? Lugs. That's what we called it. Lesbian until graduation. That's what we called it. Lugs.

[A]

Lugs, yeah. Why, why, why would you call them that? You're like, we know you are, we know you are, but you just don't know you are yet.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, it was like. It was. It was a women's college and it was like rural Missouri, so there were literally no men. So, like.

[B]

So they. They're straight, but they're lesbians.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Until they graduate.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, they're lesbians until graduation. Because we'd have to drive to, like, I think Fort Scott is a town.

[A]

Yeah. You're like, in a prison situation there.

[D]

Yeah. And then you were gonna get roofied, and then it was gonna be like some rednecks from Kansas that you had to hang out with. Like, I'd rather just hang out with these European students or whatever. Wow.

[A]

Europeans at your free college. That's cool.

[D]

Yeah. Republic of Georgia.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Wow. This is not where I thought this call was going, but I'm glad we got here.

[A]

Why? Do you want to be more of a Beth again?

[D]

Yeah, like, I missed that, like, grumpy little badass that just put herself through college. And.

[C]

And, well, it was free.

[D]

Yeah, but I still had to support myself. It wasn't totally free either.

[A]

Okay, sorry. Just trying to get the facts right here.

[D]

That grew up on a goat ranch and built forts, and I miss. I miss that girl for sure.

[A]

All right, well, I see what we're talking about here. Let me ask you this. Just dream with me for a second. It's your wedding day, okay? You're standing on the altar. Did you build the Altar?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, 100%. And I stained it.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Well, stop playing around with these Peter Pans and start looking for a Wendy. Yeah, I think we figured it out here. All right.

[D]

I'm a redhead.

[A]

Oh, well, you didn't say that, Beth. That's it. It. That's it. That's why.

[D]

Two redheaded women. I guess I know one.

[A]

Well, no, some people. First of all, redheads are great. You know, Gingers are a special breed, you know?

[D]

Yeah, I know. I got. Got three sisters.

[A]

Are they all redheads?

[D]

Two of them are.

[A]

Okay. Lucky gals.

[B]

So I think Charlie's just saying is that you should stop going for guys and just lean into the girls. Is that what Charlie's trying to say here?

[D]

Okay.

[A]

All right, Beth, let's put it out there. Let's build your dating profile. What kind of gal are you looking for?

[D]

I can go. I can go femme or butch? Honestly, open minded.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And I guess someone who wants to build a tree fort back here with me right now. Now.

[B]

Y. Okay, so you're looking for handy.

[A]

Knows their way around a leg bolt, huh?

[D]

No, just bas. Okay, so just basically anyone who, like, knows how to do anything would be cool.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So if I'm getting this right, if there are any women listening to this podcast who are lesbian in the Denver area, Beth is looking to date you. You as long as you can. You have a pulse.

[C]

No.

[B]

And you can do anything as long as you can do something.

[A]

Beth's interesting bonus if you like gingers.

[D]

Oh, they do. All of them do.

[A]

Wow. So you're pretty popular. What's your. What's your number on the ladies?

[D]

Like my body count?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Crazy question.

[B]

What?

[A]

Is that rude?

[D]

Not that high.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

It's just, like. Would you like it if she asked you what your body count was?

[A]

Are you gonna have to answer? She doesn't have to answer. I mean, she's.

[B]

She's.

[A]

You know, she's a caller. She doesn't have any identifying information, you know, other than redheaded Beth out there in Denver.

[D]

That's a lot of information. A lot of people know exactly who that is.

[A]

Oh, all right, well, disregard. That's. Sorry, that was inappropriate. I'm just trying to.

[D]

I bartended here for 10 years.

[A]

Which bar?

[D]

I worked at Alamo Drafthouse for a while.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

You guys probably won't know.

[B]

Yeah, we don't know it.

[A]

Well, we're trying. We're trying. What we're trying to do is try to get the love of your life to come visit you order a Slippery Nipple.

[D]

They know where I am.

[A]

Okay, all right, all right.

[D]

They know. They know where. That dive bar on South Broadway.

[B]

Is this a lesbian bar?

[D]

No. No. It can be. It can be pretty clear sometimes.

[B]

But is there, like, lesbian night? Like, there's a bar in Fargo that it's, like, definitely like. This is when all of the gay people go to this bar on this specific night.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Is that a thing where you guys are at?

[A]

That. They have designated gay bars there? I'm pretty sure.

[D]

Yeah, we have. We have designated gay bars. It's just like X Bar is like, more of, like, the lesbian bar. I don't know. There's. There's plenty of options. I should probably go to X Bar more.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do the ladies like it when you come across more bubbly and whatever? They like it when you come across more, like. Like Beth. Do the ladies like Bethany or Beth more?

[D]

God, there's a lot of people that would roast me on that one. Probably Beth.

[A]

Okay, I. I see what we're doing here. I see what we're doing. We're all whittling us down to get Beth her gal, and that's why she wants to be more Beth. She needs to bring that Beth energy to get her Trish.

[D]

So Trish is okay, Tammy?

[B]

No, I mean Beth. You told us you'd just take anyone with a pulse at this point, so.

[D]

I didn't say that.

[C]

Your words.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I said it was more like someone who wants to be alive and, like, enjoy life and is not just, like, chasing whatever capitalism wants them to chase and, like. Like, I don't know.

[B]

That's the most lesbian Denver response to that.

[A]

I feel disgusting after saying that was pretty lesbian Denver. It does Sound like you're standing next to a blue spruce right now, which is fine. It's good to know what you want. You're sitting. Okay.

[D]

I'm throwing. I'm throwing sticks.

[B]

All right, Beth. Well, I don't know if we helped you at all.

[A]

We tried, though.

[D]

Probably.

[B]

We tried. We tried so hard.

[A]

You ever dated a guy and you're, like, kind of like his mom more?

[D]

No.

[A]

Okay. Just curious. I just didn't know if there was. That would be a great. Like, the lesbian graduate, you know, Would be great. You ever seen the Graduate?

[D]

No, no, but I have. I have thought about this. Like. Like, what would happen if that ever happened to me. It was like, actually, your mom is kind of cool, because I've definitely been hit on by people's moms, and I've just, like, ignored it.

[A]

Nice. How do they hit on you?

[D]

They're just like. They're just like, wow. You know, like, you're just so interesting and so independent, and I'm like, okay, this is weird. Like, you're clearly trapped in this marriage. I can't help you.

[A]

Well, you could. Yeah. Well, this is. This is fun. I. I think you're gonna find the love of your life from this podcast. We have a very large lesbian listenership.

[B]

Actually, I don't have any analytics on that, Charlie. I have no idea how many lesbians listen to our podcast.

[A]

I've pulled them. I pulled the analytics. We're. We're pretty. Pretty good in Denver.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cool.

[D]

There's a lot of lesbian. I know one. I actually know a couple. Oh, God. Suckers.

[A]

What are you doing now?

[D]

No, I'm just looking at. Walking through all these branches.

[A]

Beth, we hope you find someone to build a tree house with.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

Yep. And we wish you the best of luck with that. Out there in Denver. Where can people. Which bar can people find? Oh, yeah, we already know. The one over South Broadway.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, the one. The one on South Broadway.

[A]

Just look for the red.

[D]

No, it was helpful. I didn't think I was gonna get roasted on my love life, but I can take it right now.

[A]

We didn't roast you.

[B]

We were just. We're friends, and I was actually very. I. I felt like I was being very curious and not. Miles making fun of it. I was actually genuinely curious about how. What's your life like?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, we might have been, like, invading privacy, but it was all, Charlie's.

[B]

The one that asked what your body count was.

[A]

Well, that was. I guess, in retrospect, that could. Is that disrespectful you can be honest with me, Beth. Any.

[D]

Oh, no.

[A]

Do you like how I asked for Bethany's response and not Beth's response? All right, thank you. Well, we are praying for you that you will find your lover out there. All right, thank you. All right. Thank you.

[D]

I can feel it.

[A]

Good, good, good. Well, you be good, okay?

[D]

Yeah, you too.

[A]

All right, we'll talk to you soon. Now, Beth. Sometimes I black out during calls, Miles. I can't be held responsible.

[B]

No, you're good.

[A]

I can't.

[B]

I asked. I asked her what it's like to be bisexual.

[A]

So I think.

[B]

But I feel like that's a genuinely.

[A]

That's a genuine Fargo question.

[B]

That was an actual question. Like, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Why. Why can't you ask someone what it's like?

[A]

I don't think there's any reason not to, Miles.

[B]

If someone who was gay asked me what it's like to be straight, I wouldn't take offense to that at all.

[A]

No, you wouldn't know how to answer the question, just like she didn't know how to answer the question. You give him a straight answer, Jared. Sometimes I think Jared should just take my job. We should just reverse it one episode and let Jared sit here, and I'll. I'll. Yeah, you don't want to trust me.

[B]

With electronics actively in the call. Yeah, we should do that at the end of this.

[A]

Let's do it. All right. Well. Is that this week's episode, Miles?

[B]

That's this week's episode, Charlie.

[A]

Folks, it's been real fun. You got to get over here to Maddie's Bar and Grill over in New. New Berlin, Wisconsin. Come on over. Have yourself an Old Fashioned. They got the Baron's Old Fashioned Brandy. Not to brag, not to flex.

[B]

All right, well, we'll see you next one, guys.

[A]

Tip your bartender, too, okay?

[C]

Hope you guys have a good one.

[D]

Goodbye now.

[B]

Toodaloo.