Top 5 Ways To Get Out Of The Midwest Goodbye #174

Summary

Bellied Up Podcast Ep. 174: "Top 5 Ways To Get Out Of The Midwest Goodbye"

November 6, 2025
Hosts: Charlie Berens & Myles “You Betcha Guy”

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Overview: Midwest Goodbyes, Small-Town Bars, and Wild Callers

In classic Bellied Up fashion, Charlie and Myles belly up at a small-town bar and dive into the phenomenon of the Midwest Goodbye. Laughter and live callers abound as the duo attempts to crack the code of ending conversations in the heartland, all while sharing personal stories, teasing each other, and offering advice to their colorful Midwest community.

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1. Opening Banter & Oklahoma in the Midwest (00:00–09:47)

Key Points:

• The show starts with a comedic back-and-forth about gym routines and Charlie’s failed arm-wrestling prowess.
• Charlie pitches the idea that Oklahoma should be inducted into "the Midwest"—prompted by his tales of kindness and Packers fandom in Oklahoma.
• Relates a drunken adventure with a hospitable family at an Oklahoma casino, complete with free jello shots and unexpected Midwestern camaraderie.

Notable Quotes:

• “He offered me a ride. And at this point, I had a decision to make, Miles. I just met this man... Could be a serial killer.” — Charlie (02:26)
• “If you're a serial killer, you're not going to kill me on Packers Sunday with your mom.” — Charlie (02:40)
• “We had such a great time. ...This fellow's mom could drink me under the table.” — Charlie (03:23)

Memorable Moment:
Charlie’s heartfelt wish that those casino friends hear this episode and show up at his (no longer current) address for some lake-frozen perch (08:13).

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2. Tales of Drunken Strangers & Faux Midwest Goodbyes (09:47–14:49)

Key Points:

• Charlie and Myles riff on the magic of Midwest bar friendships that exist for one night only.
• They swap hitchhiking/ride-sharing stories—Charlie’s anxious ride from St. Paul, MN, to Madison, WI, via a stranger's work truck stands out.

Quotes:

• “If you're in a scenario where you got to thumb it, it's still hitchhiking.” — Myles (12:32)
• “The speed of the vehicle corresponded to the topic of conversation... [He was] driving with their emotions and that's not really how you want it done.” — Charlie (14:05)

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3. Live Caller: Josh (16:08–45:12)

Josh, The HVAC Inside Salesman, Needs Help

• On the Front Lines of Midwest Conversation

• Josh from Kalamazoo, MI, works inside sales for HVAC wholesale—a job made tough by endless “Midwest goodbyes.”
• He laments how customers, especially retirees, won't let him off the phone: “There are usually five words that a person will say, and that's how you know you're in the Midwest goodbye: 'Oh, did you hear...?'” (22:29)

• The "Top 5 Ways to Get Out of a Midwest Goodbye" (24:03–30:00)

1. Making up obligations:
   “Grandma fell down the stairs again. I gotta jet.” (24:29)
2. Explicit illness (like diarrhea):
   “No one wants the guy who announces he’s gotta go diarrhea.” — Myles (25:01)
3. Out-boring them:
   “If you give ‘em such a long, drawn out, boring story, they’ll never hang with you again in the Midwest goodbye.” — Charlie (26:21)
4. Pull the fire alarm (find a physical escape):
   “Find out where it is and get a buddy…” (27:09)
5. Invade personal space (close talker technique):
   “If you go in that bubble, they’re not gonna like that.” — Myles (28:07)

Runner-ups:

• Invite awkward questions (“Been to the doctor lately?”), or invite someone to a drag show: “That’s the number one way to get an old farmer Midwest guy to just clam up and want to get out of there as fast as possible.” — Myles (29:25)

• Bonus Tangents:

• Midwesterners' hangup about making/faking licenses to get HVAC parts.
• The joys and difficulties of inside sales versus cold-calling.
• Extended riff on church tithing vs. indulgences, leading to a rambunctious Google debate (32:10–34:41).
• Importance of changing your HVAC air filter every “three months… or three days if you got a cat.” Comedic urgency:
  “That's my mission in life.” — Myles (42:01)

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4. Live Caller: Timmy Tango—Adventures in Mom-Flirting (49:34–71:16)

Timmy’s (mis)adventures at a Cody Johnson Concert

Scenario:

• Timmy, tipsy at a Cody Johnson concert in Spokane, flirts with an older woman sitting alone.
• After some mutual interest and mild PDA, she reveals she's married—“no tongue!”—flashing a massive wedding ring (54:57).
  • “That's kind of… never heard that before as you start to kiss a girl… She goes, 'We can't use tongue. I'm married.'” — Timmy (55:01)

Comic Fallout:

• Her friend appears, says, “You know what happens here stays here, right?” (56:17)
• Timmy's own friends troll her with, “Did he tell you he was 17, by the way?”—giving her a shock (57:22)
• Timmy leaves, feeling guilty, seeking reassurance from Charlie & Myles.

Hosts’ Reassurance:

• “You didn't know. You didn't do anything wrong.” — Charlie (58:51)
• “If that's the worst thing you do in your life, you have a pretty good life.” — Myles (61:23)

Spinoff: The Timmy Tango Chronicles

• The guys joke he should become a recurring guest: “I feel like I need, like, a once a month Timmy Tango segment on this podcast.” — Myles (66:41)
• Timmy teases an even crazier story: "Next month... a trio of sisters."
• Nickname bestowed: “Timmy Tangos” (66:19)

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5. Running Gags, Callbacks & Midwestisms

• Endless riffs on Midwestern politeness, awkwardness, and escapism.
• Recurrent callback: “Well, I suppose we better get going…” as their own on-air Midwest goodbye (throughout; see 43:17, 44:50).
• Shoutout to the show’s silent hero, producer Jared (71:21–72:20); the hosts honor him with a “Jared Appreciation” roast and “Jared Ships” toast.

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6. Notable Quotes: (Speaker Attribution & Timestamps)

• "The Midwest goodbye is all hunky-dory until you’re a salesperson and time is money."
 — Myles (22:12)
• "If you're in a scenario where you got to thumb it, it's still hitchhiking." — Myles (12:32)
• “I didn't think he did until you’re getting so defensive about it [diarrhea], but…” — Charlie (25:27)
• "Maybe somewhere out there they hear this and they go, you know, I remember that. That was Charlie, and he offered me a free bag of perch…” — Charlie (08:13)
• “If you take over the Midwest goodbye… he’s gonna go, ‘Jeez, I can't get caught with that guy again.’” — Charlie (26:41)
• “What’s too crazy? When they start asking you for your money.” — Josh (40:16)
• “Timmy likes mommy. Well, kinda. She was cute.” — Timmy (50:55)
• “She kind of leans away and goes, ‘Hold up. We can't use tongue.’” — Timmy (55:03)

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7. Episode Structure & Flow

• Opening: Casual banter & regionally-themed stories.
• Midsection: Caller Josh, Midwest Goodbye strategies, HVAC tangents, faith chat, and community living.
• Second Call-In: Timmy Tango’s wild concert night, goading for stories, and nicknaming/guidance from the hosts.
• Close: Goodbyes, Jared appreciation, in-jokes, and classic Midwest sign-offs.

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8. Useful for Non-Listeners

• The episode is a fast-paced, laughter-heavy deep dive into Midwest quirks, bar culture, and communal storytelling.
• Advice is both practical and tongue-in-cheek—anyone seeking to “escape” a Midwestern goodbye will find tips (and a preview of Midwestern politeness).
• The show’s natural, friendly, jocular tone shines, making it easy to jump in even without prior knowledge.

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9. Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Time | |---------------------------------------------|--------------| | Oklahoma = Midwest? | 00:38–09:47 | | Bar friendships & Hitchhiking Tales | 09:47–14:49 | | CALL: Josh—Midwest Goodbye & Sales Life | 16:08–45:12 | | Top 5 Ways to Escape the Midwest Goodbye | 24:03–30:00 | | Church Contributions: Indulgence/Tithing Debate | 32:10–34:41 | | CALL: Timmy Tangos—Adventures with Moms | 49:34–71:16 | | Midwest Goodbye Gags & Jared Appreciation | 71:21–72:20 |

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Tone:
Playful, dryly sarcastic, warm, with a strong sense of regional pride and self-deprecating Midwestern humor. Conversations flow like bar banter—tangents, callback gags, and sincere advice amidst the jokes.

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In Short:

This episode is a masterclass in Midwest culture, centered around outsmarting the region’s most persistent social ritual: the never-ending goodbye. Through outrageous stories, heartfelt calls, and a rotating cast of barroom personalities, Charlie and Myles create a lovable, laugh-out-loud tribute to Midwest life.

Transcript

[A]

Are we rolling?

[B]

Yesterday, I.

[A]

Welcome to the Bellied up podcast. Five Miles is a beast of a man.

[B]

You just don't need to be squatting 265 pounds.

[A]

Didn't even know we were rolling. And he just started talking about this like, this isn't for show, like he's talking about how rock solid that ass is.

[B]

You just mad that I put in the work, and that's the reason why you lost the arm wrestle. I've been putting in the work. It's a classic. You're a classic millennial. You don't any of the work and expect all of the perks that would come along with doing the work.

[A]

You're younger than I am.

[C]

Miles.

[A]

Miles, listen, it's. It's. I'm glad you're here because I've been thinking about this for a long, long time and, well, actually, it just came to me this morning, but I think that Oklahoma should be inducted into the Midwest.

[B]

Okay. Is this a state your case?

[A]

This is a state. Your case.

[B]

Welcome, folks, to state your case. Charlie, why should Oklahoma be in the midw?

[A]

Oklahoma should be in the Midwest. Because I was. I was out there for work, okay? This a few years ago, all right? So I'm flying into Oklahoma and I got a Packers jersey on. I got a Packers as, you know.

[B]

What you normally wear when you fly?

[A]

Well, sometimes I fly in my church clothes. So I get there, I'm waiting outside for like an Uber or. I don't remember if the company actually had like a shuttle. I don't remember what it was, but I was waiting for something. Then all of a sudden, in this, like, old Ranger, you know, this guy rolls up and he. He rolls down the window and actually rolls it down. And he goes, hey, are you a Packers fan? I said, no. And he said, me either. And then he showed me a shirt says, the Bears still suck. So we started chit chatting, and he's there to pick up his mom. And his mom comes out, she's also in a packer. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. And I was like, they're like, where are you going? I says, I'm going to the casino. We got. We got, you know, the casino's got a hotel, so we got to do a work thing at convention thing at the casino. And he goes, no way. We watch the game over at the casino. I said, well, you gotta be kidding me. Can I get a ride? And he said. And I actually know this was it. Then he says, can I give you a ride? He offered me A ride. And at this point, I had a decision to make. Miles, I just met this man. I don't. You know, but.

[B]

Could be a serial killer.

[A]

He could. But I know enough about him.

[B]

But if you're a Packers fan, you know, there's no way.

[A]

Yeah. If you're a serial killer, you're not going to kill me on Packers Sunday with your mom.

[B]

That's true. That's, like, sacrilegious.

[A]

It is. Yeah. And so I.

[B]

Serial killer. You know, there's a. They have a code. You know, they do. They like to kill people, but only under certain circumstances.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, usually Thursdays, but anyways, so I got in the car, I went back to the. To. I went to the hotel with them, and I did the. The whatever thing I had to do for work. And then I met them there for the game, and they were there. Not just them, but, like, their family or their extended family, a whole group of. Of people. And we had such a great time. And I'm not going to lie to you, Miles. This fellow's mom could. Could drink me under the table.

[B]

Well, that's not hard, but.

[A]

I know it's not. But back. Back then, back when this happened, I was. I was a little bit seasoned. I was a little bit more seasoned than I am now. Now I've. I've. You know, you didn't need to bring that up in front of everyone. I'm lightweight.

[B]

It was just a joke.

[A]

No, but it was true, which. Which made it hard for me, so. But anyways, this guy's mom is getting me lit up like a Polish church, and before I know it, I'm like, after the game, the packers win, I go out of the casino to. To get a ride home. Like, I'm. I drunk.

[B]

You are. You think you have to leave the casino to get home?

[A]

No, I'm so drunk that I think I'm, like, in Wisconsin. Like, I literally forgot where, but I was surrounded by packers fans. I just thought I was, like, at Potawatomi Casino.

[B]

It's like a. It's like an involuntary thing. You're at a Packer bar, the packers game, and then you just go home.

[A]

Yeah. I felt like I was at home. So that's why I would like to nominate Oklahoma. I. I would like to bring Oklahoma into the Midwest.

[B]

It's very Midwest to always watch a Packer game at a casino, too, by the way. Very Midwest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I think that's good. I think.

[A]

All right. Here, here, here. Oklahoma.

[B]

Cheers to Oklahoma. I thought that story was Going to end that. You hooked up with that guy's mom.

[A]

She would just do an alternative. So.

[B]

So she starts getting me drunk, Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I see her slip something into my drink, which is classic Wisconsin. You know, this lady was Wisconsin through and through. She slipped something into my drink, grabbed me by the cheese curds. We went upstairs, she was, I milked the cow, had a romping in the hay, and then we went our separate ways.

[A]

Yeah, see, see a romping in the. Sounds like. Sounds like something, you know, Hear an old auctioneer say, see, I have a rough and in the hay. Huh? No, but her mom, her mom was. Wow. One of those moms, like they, they did free shots. I don't know if there was a Packer bar associated with this, but there were so many freaking Packer people there. I didn't know that in Oklahoma that, that many Packer fans, but they did and they had a thing where they were giving away free jello shots during halftime. And then also I'm not sure if they were giving away free shots they scored or if somebody was just buying those, but the, the el.

[B]

There was a lot of free shots.

[A]

Yeah. And I hadn't been that lit up in a minute, so it's good.

[B]

I feel like you need that once in a while.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Just to remind you you're still loose. Yeah, yeah. I mean I was literally outside. I was like, I gotta go get an Uber. I gotta go home and where am I going? You know? So I may have been like solid up that I actually plugged my address in and saw that was like a seven thousand dollar Uber ride. I was like, oh, where am I? I'm Kansas anymore. No, you're not. You're in Oklahoma.

[B]

Take 10 hours to get home.

[A]

Hell, where am I? Oh yeah.

[B]

He was like, well, I gotta get home.

[A]

Somehow he gets in, I gotta get home. I better, I better get move to work tomorrow.

[B]

$7,000 later. That would be the most Barons move ever.

[A]

That would be a lot of counting. Charlie's right. There would be be a lot of.

[B]

Take Uber from Oklahoma back to, to Wisconsin because you're that drunk. That's a Charlie move.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, it is. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

[B]

Did you ever talk to those people again?

[A]

Dude, it's okay if you say no, I haven't.

[B]

Because honestly, I love that we never.

[A]

Got each other's phone numbers.

[B]

I've had a scenario before like that. Like you get drunk at a bar, you meet some people, you have the best time and you're just. You wake up the next Day. And you're like, I'll never see those people again. But we shared an unbelievable evening of good times in tomfoolery.

[A]

We did. I mean, there was so much tomfoolery going around, and I was like, did.

[B]

You guys win the game?

[A]

Yeah, we won. Yeah. Yeah. But it was just a great time. I mean, we. We made plans. We made plans. I invited them up to the lake house. I don't even have.

[B]

You know, swing by anytime. That's what Charlie said.

[A]

Well, what I says. I mean, it's a rental, but I don't think my folks will mind. You know, I mean, I was throwing out. I. I told him that. I told him if they're ever through Milwaukee, I just gave him my address, you know, I did. I. I told them to come on through because I got extra, you know, fish in the freezer, which I do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I've been there.

[B]

I know exactly what you're talking about. You're like, God, we should do this again next week.

[A]

Right? Nothing will make me happier than. Than for maybe somewhere out there they hear this and they go. You know, I remember that. That was Charlie, and. And he offered me a free bag of perch. And I would love for them to come, like, to. To remember the address that I gave them, which actually is no longer my address. But I would love for them to go knocking at the door and. And ask for a bag of perch, even if I'm not there.

[B]

Beautiful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, someone listening to this was actually there. They know what you're talking about. They call in and they're like, oh, yeah, we know. Charlie. Charlie was that really drunk guy that was hitting on her grandma. She tried to sleep with my grandma.

[A]

I wasn't trying. She was being very friendly with me. Okay? Very friendly, but in. Not in an erotic way.

[B]

You got a nice set of cheese curds on you.

[A]

Yeah, thank you there, Miles. At least someone notices.

[B]

For some reason when he walks.

[A]

I would love to hear their. Their perspective of that whole event, though, because for. For all I know, they thought I asked for a. But I was pretty sure he asked me if I wanted a ride.

[B]

They're like, oh, we just saw you were a homeless guy. We were doing a favor to.

[A]

Have you ever hitchhiked? No, no. I mean, kinda, but I wouldn't call it hitchhiking.

[B]

What would you call it?

[A]

I would call. My Greyhound. Bus didn't go. They canceled it. You know when you're taking a Greyhound and they.

[B]

They cancel Greyhound.

[A]

Oh, you haven't?

[D]

No.

[A]

Oh, you gotta get On Greyhound, dude.

[B]

I just don't go enough places to.

[A]

Need to get on a. Greyhounds are like, if you need to travel with heavy weaponry, the greyhound is the way to do that. I mean, they're not checking anything. You kidding me? It's great. And they.

[C]

They.

[A]

The only problem is sometimes they cancel the rides, you know, but usually they're cheap. If you buy them far enough in advance, they are cheap, but sometimes they'll cancel it last minute, and then you're like. I was going from St. Paul, Minnesota, to Madison, Wisconsin. It was Friday night. I was. I was expecting to have a good time with my fellows. The time was, I don't know, 4, 5.

[B]

Huh? Is it time important?

[A]

Yeah, it is, because it's Friday night, okay? I'm trying to get down there to hang out with my fellows, okay? I mean, who's telling the story here, Miles? So anyways, I get out and I hear this guy like. Like saying, this is, you want it? I'm gonna drive. And I heard him say. And I heard him walk out and. Or I saw him walk out.

[B]

So why didn't this guy just drive in the first place?

[A]

Well, because. I don't know. That's a great question. I didn't even ask. But what I did is I was like, well, I'm gonna go get a ride with him. But I didn't know who he was. So I went over to the exit where the cars, you know, parking lot exit, and I had my thumb up, and the dude stopped. I actually, I may have switched.

[B]

There's just no way that works.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is what happened. I have my thumb up. This is why I said kind of hitchhiking. I have my thumb up. And then when I saw him, I waved to him. So I switched from the thumb to the wave and I said, hey, dude, you were in there and our bus just got canceled, right? And I says, how about I go with you to mass now, split the money? And he said, hop in. And I hopped in.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, that's hitchhiking. That's for sure.

[A]

Hitchhike is that. But I didn't do that.

[B]

There's ever a scenario where the. Where the thumb is up for a full second. You're hitchhiking.

[A]

Well, I don't know if he saw the thumb.

[B]

Doesn't matter. If you're in a scenario where you got to thumb it, it's still hitchhiking.

[A]

Yeah, well, anyway, we. He was a wild W. I wonder if that guy's out there. Dude, you Hit me up, brother. I hope you're doing well. Thank you for letting me go.

[B]

Even car ride. Was it, Was it like you guys started, you know, experimenting in extracurriculars or like, like was it silent? You guys start talking about like, do aliens exist? Like, what was it?

[A]

I'll say this around Eau Claire, getting fearful for my life. I was concerned, like, what did I just do? Is this guy driving erratically? Like there were a lot of construction cones, but he was going real fast and, and he was in one of. He was in a big pickup truck too. Like a bigger one than I had really been accustomed to at that time. It was, I think it was his work truck. And actually that makes sense now. That, that, that would be why he didn't want to take it initially. But he had to get down there. He was going to see a gal, I think. And.

[B]

Also saying he was driving a truck that was larger than you're normally accustomed to?

[A]

Yeah, no, my buddy had one of those like mitSubishi trucks. Those four. Three, three on the tree, you know. But this was a, this was a, like a nice, nice pickup truck.

[B]

Fear for your life because he was.

[A]

Just swerving or like, I don't, I, I can't tell you the specifics of why I was fearing, but I was just got concerned with some of the conversation and the speed of which the vehicle was going and the speed of the vehicle corresponded to the topic of the conversation. And you know, like, you know when that is when you can tell someone's driving with their emotions and that's not really how you want it done. You want them to kind of, you know, see the speed limit and sort of leave the emotions up in their head. But he was discussing something and he was, you know, kind of. But I could have been misremembering that, you know. So if you're out there listening, dude, I'm not talking smack or anything. I'm just. Hope you're doing well.

[B]

Well anyway, take some call.

[A]

Let's do it. Let's do it.

[B]

Mouse Price picks will give you fifty dollars in lineups. When you play your first five dollar lineup, win or lose, you'll get fifty bucks in lineups. Use promo code bellied up when you sign up Today. Charlie and I have been having a lot of fun playing prize picks. Last week I actually got one of my free to play picks correct. Guess the touchdown. I, I took the field in one of them and it ended up hitting. So that was pretty sick. That's what I like about prize picks. They got you can do lineups, you can do free to play. They have max discounts, all that stuff. It's pretty fun. And so my pick for the week is actually Jackson Dart rush yards. 39 and a half rush yards. Think he's gonna. I think he's gotta carry more of the load now that Scatter Boo is out, and so he's looking more confident. So I think it's a good pick this week. Charlie.

[A]

What do you got, Miles? This week, I'm saying Jordan Love goes. He's gonna throw more than 240.

[D]

Yards.

[B]

I love it. Charlie, great pick. And, guys, if you want to play prize picks, you just gotta use code. Bellied up and sign up today.

[D]

This is Josh. How's it going? Charlie and Miles?

[B]

It is going good. How are you?

[D]

Oh, I'm hanging in there. Busy day at work. But I mean, I always got time to call.

[B]

What's work?

[D]

I work at a wholesaler for H VAC parts. So I do. So I help sell parts and units to customers in need of heat.

[A]

Okay. The wholesale.

[B]

Why can't they just make H vac units that don't bust if you forget to change the air filter?

[D]

You know what? That's. I'd like to see them. Just make them like washable filters.

[A]

That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, a washable filter. I've thought of that. Is that possible?

[D]

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if there are some.

[B]

Yeah, but big filter is not going to want to do that. No.

[D]

Oh, God, no. Because then you got to remember to wash the filter.

[B]

That's true. That doesn't solve my problem.

[A]

Yeah, and you probably got my problem at all. You got.

[B]

I'll pay the 100 bucks for four of them or whatever. If I could just remember.

[D]

Exactly. And I mean, we're getting into a chappie season right now. I'm down here in Southern Michigan, here in Kalamazoo, and a chappie season.

[C]

All.

[D]

Dry, bitter skin, you know. You know the symptoms.

[A]

Yeah. Really chaps your ass, huh?

[D]

Numb and all.

[A]

Numb. Numb and all.

[D]

Yeah. I mean, you never go outside, just plowing snow all day or shoveling snow, and you get back in, you sit down, you just can't feel your ass no more.

[A]

Yeah, it happens. It happens. How do you fix it? What's your remedy, Little Otter?

[D]

Butter?

[A]

Whiskey. Whiskey. Okay.

[D]

Maybe some Tippy Cow.

[A]

Some Tippy Cow. All right.

[D]

Oh, I'm well aware of that beverage.

[A]

Ooh, Tippy Cow and udder butter would be like a. A nice little gift package.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, certainly.

[D]

I mean, I can definitely put that on the grocery list.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you should do that.

[B]

So what do you do? Sorry? You do what?

[A]

He's a wholesaler.

[B]

Oh, yeah, wholesaler. I heard H Vac and I was. My brain exploded.

[D]

Well, I work at a wholesale supply store. We sell H vac parts and units to licensed mechanical contractors so they can help get their customers their heat, their ac, everything they need.

[A]

What about me? Would you sell some to me?

[D]

Oh, absolutely. What you need? We're nationwide.

[A]

Oh, I just didn't know if you only could sell the licensed contractors.

[D]

Well, you got a license?

[A]

I could make you a license.

[D]

You'd make me one?

[A]

Sure. I got a printer. Do you like it?

[D]

Oh, it's. It's a busy gig, especially this time of year. Everyone.

[B]

That you didn't answer a yes or no question with, it's busy.

[D]

It's busy.

[A]

Are you married?

[D]

I am not.

[A]

You're not? You have a girlfriend?

[C]

Nope.

[A]

Boyfriend?

[C]

Nope.

[A]

Single?

[D]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Are you.

[B]

Are you looking for a. For a guy or gal?

[D]

I. I don't need no guy in. In my life. I'm. I'm good on that. But, you know, I mean, if. If the moment comes, the moment comes.

[B]

I'm.

[D]

I mean, I'm. I'm working. I'm trying to work towards retirement and all. I mean, I'm still young and all, but it doesn't hurt to think early.

[A]

No, no, it sure does.

[B]

So basically what I said. Are you looking for a significant other? You said you started talking about retirement. I'm so, so lost.

[D]

I'm just saying I'm kind of putting my life first before, you know, a relationship. And I mean, you know, if that special someone comes around, that someone special comes around and, you know, you're pumping.

[B]

That 401k full before you're going to be, you know, pumping yourself into something that's.

[A]

That's mild.

[B]

Kids show, Smile. Children's show. Yeah, it just came out of me, you know? You know that joke starts and it just. It just comes together and you're talking.

[A]

To him like, like. Like he's an H Vac park right now, so. Well, no, I like it. I like it. You take care of yourself.

[B]

You.

[A]

You get your bag and what comes? Comps.

[B]

So are you comps. Are you a salesman or are you like an admin at this company? What's.

[D]

I work in inside sales. I'm definitely trying to climb up that ladder.

[B]

That's why you're single? Dude. You're an inside sales agent. Are you kidding me? You guys are a special breed of human beings to just pick up the phone and cold call people all day. That is crazy. You don't even.

[D]

They call me.

[B]

Oh, okay. All right. That's better. That's better.

[D]

They. They call me about their problems. Like I'm calling you about my problems.

[B]

Okay, all right. Well, where are the. I. Where the ISA is here for the Midwest, Charlie, you know what ISA is?

[A]

Well, hang on just one second before we get to that. What is he saying with his problem? He said they call him for their problem. He's calling us for his prompt. Does he have a problem?

[B]

Well, that's what I'm saying. We're the. That's what I was getting to.

[D]

Well, I wouldn't say it's a. I wouldn't say it's a huge problem, but, you know, coming from the Midwest, there's just a lot of people that don't know how to say goodbye. And I got a line of customers. I got other calls coming in, but, you know, I got guys coming in and, you know, especially the older guys around retirement, already retired, or the new guys that are into the field, and they come in, they see a big old wall of Milwaukee tools, you know.

[A]

Oh, they're. They don't need a blue chew at that point.

[C]

No, no.

[D]

And they're just going on and on and on about like, oh, my God, you hear about this? Or, oh, my God. Yeah, I'm just doing this job for a friend.

[B]

The. The Midwest goodbye is all hunky dory until you're a salesperson and time is money, right?

[C]

It is.

[D]

And you know what they're.

[C]

I've.

[D]

I've learned that there are usually five words that a person will say, and that's how you know you're in the Midwest goodbye.

[B]

Okay, sir.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

What are the five words that indicate you are in the middle of a Midwest goodbye?

[D]

Oh, and did you hear after you've already said your.

[C]

Your.

[D]

Your goodbyes, everything they say, oh, and did you hear. And at that point, you don't know when you're getting to get out.

[B]

It could be four words because did you.

[A]

Is one is oh, it depending on where you live. Did you.

[B]

Goes from one to three words then.

[A]

Okay, oh, did. And is it O or oh.

[D]

Where are you from? Michigan or Wisconsin?

[A]

Yep, yep, yep. Just depends. I like that.

[B]

Oh, did you hear.

[A]

So when you hear, oh, did you hear. What's your. What's your go to? Do you have any. They have that. That's their offense. What's Your defense?

[D]

I don't think I really have. When I just say, oh, tell me what's on your mind.

[A]

Okay, but you can't do that because you're a sales guy. Time is money, and you gotta figure it out.

[D]

So we're gonna have to do time. Oh, go on ahead.

[A]

Oh, no, at the same time.

[D]

But I mean, at the same time. Like, I don't want to be rude and say, oh, sorry, I gotta hang up the phone. I got customers that I don't want to be rude.

[A]

Okay, well, then, Miles, let's give him. Well, I'm sorry, what's your name again?

[C]

Josh. Let.

[A]

Miles, let's give Josh the top five ways to get out of a Midwest goodbye. All right, how many you got? Some loaded up.

[B]

Yeah, I got.

[A]

I can go first. It's like this. Like when the waitress comes, are you guys ready to order? And you're like, I start with Jared.

[B]

Come around. Okay.

[A]

Number one is you find someone else in your life who you have to help, who's going to take precedence over them? And they can excuse it. Ah, Grandma.

[B]

Grandma fell down the stairs again. I got a jet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I forgot to replace the battery on her life alert. I gotta get over there pronto.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, sorry, I just got. Yes, I just got an alert from. From the Life and got a role. Exactly, Miles, you got one or you want me Diarrhea.

[B]

It's always. I'll always be a big fan of diarrhea.

[A]

But, Miles, are you gonna. Are you gonna explicitly say it?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, that's the best case scenario because then literally there's. There. No one's gonna want the guy who announces that he's gotta go diarrhea there. No one wants him to stay around.

[A]

No, but then they might be upset that you came to work sick.

[B]

Yeah, but it's not like that. That's not sick.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, I mean, it is contagious, but we'll go with it.

[B]

I'm not wiping, you know, all over the walls. You know, I don't actually have diarrhea.

[A]

I didn't think he did until you're getting so defensive about it, but. Okay, so. Lil.

[C]

It's just.

[B]

Yeah. Then there's no questions asked. People want you out of there, you know? Mm. You could do it in the same vein. Just say, like, I just lost my. My. My sense of smell and taste. And then they're like, oh, this guy's got covet. Get him the out of here.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, try that. So you got your sicknesses on another thing you can do is you can really just. My, My one time, my grandpa TG was asked to watch the kids for recess. Every parent had to do it. My grandpa tg, he brought a box bag of suckers and he gave every kid a sucker on their way in. And he was never asked to watch a recess ever again. And in this same vein, in the same vein, if you take over the Midwest goodbye, if you give him such a long, drawn out, boring story the first time, he'll never hang with you again in the Midwest goodbye.

[B]

You're saying commit hard this one time and you'll get. Get you out of future one.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You commit hard anytime it really is. But if you, if you hit him harder than he's hitting you, he's gonna go, jeez, I. I can't get caught with that guy again, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you just go, go hard on the. Out there.

[D]

Well, some of these guys that usually come in, they come in every day, sometimes several times a day.

[A]

Well, that's why you gotta go. You gotta go extra hard on them. So they're. They're not gonna. All right, maybe that one's not gonna pull the fire alarm. Okay. You got fire alarm?

[B]

Oh, absolutely.

[D]

At least I hope, I hope we do.

[A]

Well, find out where it is and get a buddy and have a system. And if you guys do, you can't see me, but a little two finger, you get the beer fingers, you know, the ones you use to open up a pull tab, and you just give them a little wave and then fire alarms pulled, you're out of there.

[B]

Another one you could do is just be the close talker.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So, Charlie, start your Midwest goodbye.

[A]

Yeah, so I don't know, you know, they say it's hemorrhoid, but I think it might be going for. Oh, gosh.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

Wow. Hey there, fella.

[B]

Can I take a peek at the hemorrhoids or no?

[A]

Because if you got a guy. Huh?

[B]

You know.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, wow. I'm getting a little. I don't even need a blue chair.

[B]

Now, if you were a normal Midwest guy and not Charlie Barrons, who gets turned on by stuff like that.

[A]

My character did.

[B]

Like, if you did that to my dad, he'd be trying to get you out the door as fast as.

[A]

That's true. Miles is right. Close talking is a really, really.

[B]

If I know Midwest guys like I think I do, they do not want. They have a bubble and it's usually about at least three feet in all ways around them. And you Go in that bubble. They're not gonna like that.

[A]

What? They'll do miles to it again. I'll do Hollow Hill. Actually.

[B]

Do not sack tap me.

[A]

I'm not sack tapping you. I'm not sack tapping you. All right, so. Oh, hey. Oh, yep. Okay.

[B]

Hang on.

[A]

Oh, you're boxing me in there, fella.

[D]

All right.

[C]

Yep.

[D]

All right.

[A]

Hey, you know what? Why don't you just. Okay. Yep. Boy, this table. Yeah. So close. I didn't realize there was a table behind me. I didn't have much space to do what I wanted to do. We basically end up doing a little dance. But yeah, so that. That's. That's about five. The other thing, you know, you could. Oh, no, just start asking him questions about something he doesn't want to talk about. So if you ask him questions about, like.

[B]

Yeah, like. So you've been to the doctor lately? You know, like that?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Doctor. If he has an awkward relationship with a spouse or child, bring that up.

[B]

You know, Invite him to. Invite him to a drag show, you know?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

That's like. I feel like that's the number one way to get like an old farmer Midwest guy to just clam up and want to get out of there as fast as possible. You start talking about taking him to a drag show.

[A]

Yeah. And you should go to. I. Randa took me to a drag show. Where were we? In Columbus. It was funny as hell. It was really good. And so if you go to one and then you just start spitting specifics at them, you know. Yeah, that. That would be good. Double down on it, like, and then. And then doing the dance, you know, and showing them. He'll be out of there real quick.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or he'll be coming with you. The drag show. That could go one or two ways.

[B]

Win.

[A]

Win for you. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So what is your technique to get out of it?

[D]

What is my technique? You know, I don't think I have one. I'm a little new to the sales position. You know, it's first desk job I've really had, so. Especially you gotta talk to all these customers, especially on the phone. I guess I've never really studied. How do you know what the technique was?

[A]

Invite them to church on Sunday.

[B]

Yeah, but. Okay, I can probably do that.

[A]

He's not gonna say yes. Even if he goes to church, he's not gonna want to go to church. You know, no one wants to go to church with their sales guy.

[D]

Well, what if they say yes?

[A]

No, you're going to invite him to church.

[C]

Oh, I Know that.

[D]

But if he, but if I invite him to church and he says yes.

[A]

Yeah, he's not gonna, he's not gonna say yes. If he says yes, you're gonna find yourself a life partner. Okay.

[B]

See, if he says yes, like take him to one of those mega churches where the pastors come in on like roller coaster and they got sneakers and a hoodie on and he' this is in church.

[A]

Jesus loves us and we need your money.

[B]

The best way to show your love for Jesus Christ is by emptying your bank account on the way out.

[A]

Daddy needs a new some of those, some of those highway pastors got full on jets, man. Yeah, I mean like crazy.

[B]

You seen righteous gemstones?

[A]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like it's actually not that far off. No reality. Like at first you're like, oh, this seems far fetched. And you start like kind of figuring out who these people are. Like, no, this is like how they live.

[A]

Yeah. There was some wild lady I saw on the TV in the bar the other day talking about, talking about giving money on. I forget what it was, maybe it was the news or something. But she's talking about you give your money and then Jesus blesses you. I'm like, people are still buying this, huh? It's crazy, but they are, man.

[B]

So they're buying their way into heaven.

[A]

You know, Catholics started that with indulgences. Indulgences? Miles, what kind of Catholic are you? You don't know about indulgences? No. In the middle ages you could, you could pay a little money and that would take away some of your sins. That gets you out of purgatory.

[B]

Gotcha. Yeah, I just. That's kind of what I was saying.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Give to the church and you can do whatever you want.

[A]

100. I know, I was agreeing with you.

[B]

I just didn't know it was called indulgences back.

[A]

For Catholics it's called indulgences. Yeah, for non denoms it's just called tithing, I think.

[B]

No, they call that tithing for Catholics too.

[A]

No, they don't. I've never heard tithing and Catholics said. The only time I've heard cat is in the feel good churches. That's the only time I've heard tithing.

[B]

Dude, why are you wrapping that around that?

[A]

You're spill it. Don't yell at me, dude. I'm not your kid. Are you capable?

[B]

That is something I would say to my kid. Sorry I went to dad mode there for. See, it's already starting. I'm starting to give my dad. More and more every day.

[A]

Don't do that. You're going to spill it.

[B]

Hey, keep that over there, all right? Jesus Christ. Just sit. Sit down. Just sit down and do your podcast.

[C]

I don't wanna.

[A]

I sp. My milk, which is my tippy cow.

[B]

It's just. Yeah, Catholics, they tithe as well.

[A]

No, they. They don't call it tithing, dude. I don't know what kind. North.

[B]

That's like a blanket thing. It's in the Bible. I mean, I know.

[A]

I know it's a synonym, but it's not what we call it. If you got to church a little.

[B]

More, you would call it indulgences.

[A]

Literally. Look it up, bro.

[B]

In today's world, we don't go, all right, give me your indulgence so that your sins are gone.

[A]

No, they just say, put your money in the church.

[B]

Obligation to give 10% of their life to the church.

[A]

Right, but we don't call it tithing. We call it giving money to the church.

[B]

Google. What do Catholics call tithing?

[A]

No, don't Google it, because they're just gonna give the answer that we want, that Miles wants.

[B]

That's your defense.

[A]

I mean. Okay, see? Donations, Right.

[B]

Catholics call giving 10% of your money to the church.

[A]

Sorry, is he stuck in a long goodbye? Right. So did you know?

[B]

Oh, did you. Oh, did you know. Did you hear? Catholics often.

[C]

There we go.

[A]

Catholics often refer to the practice of.

[B]

Tithing by its common name, tithing.

[A]

No. No, they don't. No. How'd you prompt the Google search? What do cath.

[B]

Catholics call tithing? That's what.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, we say. Okay, why don't you write. What do Catholics call donations? Yeah, I mean, well, those are like.

[B]

Yeah, those are.

[A]

Yeah. Like, when the gift basket comes through. Catholics call financial contributions to the church offerings or ties, in some context, Mass offerings. It's an offering to the church.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It's not tithing. Huh?

[B]

Tithe is in that, though. No, you may have won the Bible trivia, but I won the war right there.

[C]

All right.

[B]

All right. Sorry about that.

[A]

All right.

[D]

Oh, you're good.

[A]

But anyways, how your folks doing?

[D]

My mom. My mom's good.

[C]

She's good.

[A]

All right, well, tell her we said hi, all right, I definitely will.

[D]

She'll appreciate it.

[B]

What's she been up to these days?

[D]

She's probably been doing the same thing I've been doing. Working.

[B]

Okay. Where does she work at?

[D]

She works.

[C]

I.

[D]

You know, I know the name of the place. I just don't know what they do.

[B]

Well, How?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

How?

[D]

It's just a job she got recently, and I just. I. I don't know. The place called like Emo Technologies or something like that. It's. They're definitely some kind of manufacturer of some kind.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Okay. They manufacture, like black haired eye and.

[D]

Maybe. I have no idea.

[A]

Thumb rings. Gauge earrings.

[B]

Yeah. Choker necklaces. Yeah. Chain wallets.

[A]

Spencer signs.

[B]

Thick black eyeliner.

[D]

Long black fake nails.

[B]

Studded belts.

[A]

Butterfly pocket.

[B]

Could you imagine walking into. What was it? Emo manufacturing? Emo tape song like that. Yeah, but go walk in, you see all these emo kids. And then his mom walks out from the back and she just looks like she's still got the like, 80s mullet hairdo and just was like. Got a flowered blouse on you.

[A]

Hey, hon, how are you doing?

[B]

And they're like, God, I. The devil is. I worship the devil. I am the Antichrist. And then his mom comes out like.

[A]

Oh, how we doing?

[B]

Did you drive over okay, or. No. Can I get you a ginger snap?

[A]

Oh, God, Barb, you are gonna be the death of me.

[B]

Death, Barb, your soul will burn in hell. So that's a little preview on what it's like to work at Emo Technologies.

[A]

Emotech, boy. Anything else going on?

[D]

Anything else going on?

[A]

You want to put your specs out there, see if you can't get a special someone to call you back?

[B]

Come on, let's get you.

[A]

What are you looking for? Game.

[D]

Preferably a woman.

[A]

Okay. Woman fella.

[B]

All right. That's a start. What else?

[D]

I mean, I'm. I'm only in my late 20s, so I'm not taking things too seriously.

[A]

Well, you better start, because time moves like time flies. Like a banana. And before you know it, you're gonna be 38 and divorce, my friend. So let's get serious about it.

[D]

Well, 38 and divorce. Well, I gotta meet a woman first, and I'm only 27.

[B]

All right, well, let's get your first divorce out of the way.

[A]

So you. What are you looking.

[B]

The real one.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, right. As my grandpa Bob once said, marry the first time for money, second time for love. What are you looking for?

[C]

Not just.

[D]

Just a simple person.

[A]

Okay, I. I know, I know.

[D]

That's kind of broad, but, you know.

[A]

You shouldn't go around calling broad, so that's not gonna happen.

[B]

What are we talking? You like a tall gal? You like a short gal? You like blonde hair? Brown hair, black hair, purple hair? What do you like?

[D]

I mean, I'm not. I'm not entirely too Picky about that. Like I said, they just. Simple person, great personality.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Easy to make laugh, you know.

[B]

Okay, so you want a gal with a good sense of humor. Sorry, A broad with a good sense of humor. Using your words, not mine. And that's. And that's it.

[D]

And that's it.

[B]

Okay. Casting a wide net. I like it.

[D]

Well, I'm from the Midwest. I'm not looking for anything too crazy.

[A]

What's too crazy?

[B]

Your mind. Yeah. What is too crazy?

[D]

Too crazy? Well, when they start asking you for your money.

[B]

Hate to break it to me, retirement, who you marry. That's gonna happen.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's a two way street too. You, you cut that right down the. Would you. Okay, here's a question. If. If your significant other. If your gal was making more money than you, would you be. How would you feel about that?

[D]

I mean it wouldn't be the first time.

[A]

So you feel good about it? So it don't bother you at all? No, some people bothers. I read a whole article about this on the Internet.

[D]

Delivery in the back.

[B]

We've been alone now back working his job.

[D]

What's also, I'm not always stuck behind a counter.

[B]

I drive.

[D]

I drive a truck to once in a blue moon. So.

[B]

Yeah. Well, where are you at? What you hauling?

[D]

Looks like someone's customers are going to be getting a new furnace AC for next year. That's really about it. They're getting a whole new setup ready for this winter and next summer.

[A]

Oh, that's great. They're gonna be excited to get that brought in.

[B]

You get to see the joy on their face about their filters. You gotta let them know how important those things are and if it's extremely important. If the one thing that I do with my our platform Charlie is let make people aware of how important air filters are to like the. In your entire life and how much money you can save by just changing your air filters and not having the H Vac guy come and fix your shit. That shouldn't have to be fixed because you didn't change fucking air filters. That's all I care about anymore. That's my mission in life.

[A]

You don't have to tell me, Miles. I am. I'm a. Actually, you do have to tell me. Shit. I haven't replaced them in.

[B]

I know, it's just dumb.

[A]

Darn it. I was on it and I have them sitting there right too.

[B]

We all do.

[A]

Gosh darn.

[D]

When's the last time you had an oil change?

[A]

No, I mean I changed the air Filter about six months ago, which is you're.

[B]

You're good.

[A]

And no, because it's the. The little warning thing was on because we had a lot of those fires and it just. Just tanks a man. God damn.

[D]

Well, I guess the general rule of thumb is to replace your air filter every three months. And then they also say to get an oil three months. But if you ask someone how often they get an oil change, they're probably going to give you different answers.

[A]

Yeah, that is true. Yeah.

[B]

If you talk to H Vac guys that I know, they say you got to change your air filter every three days. It's just. It's just a thorn in my side.

[D]

I mean, if you live in a place with 20 cats. Yeah.

[B]

Then maybe just one cat.

[A]

You have a cat?

[B]

You have a cat.

[A]

Oh, Miles.

[B]

Well, I suppose we better get going.

[A]

Dude, I'm calling Anne to tell her you said that.

[B]

What?

[A]

Calling in.

[B]

Well, I suppose we better get going.

[A]

Oh, someone lit up a heater. It smells like. Smells. Oh, good.

[B]

Well, I suppose we better get going, baby.

[A]

I suppose it is about that time. Well, it was good chit chat with you. We hope you find love in all the wrong places.

[D]

Oh, did you hear?

[A]

Yeah. What?

[B]

What? What?

[D]

Oh, if you ever find yourself in a little town called Vicksburg, Michigan, we got. We got a great bar down here. You guys ever find yourselves down here?

[A]

What's the bar?

[D]

Village Hideaway in Vicksburg, Michigan.

[A]

All right.

[D]

Let you guys belly up onto the bar. Tell me what's on your minds.

[A]

Well, that sounds good. Are you working forward?

[D]

No, no, it's just a place I like to stop by every once in a blue. Whenever I'm in town. Like whenever. Yeah, whenever I'm in town or whatnot.

[C]

So my apologies.

[A]

You know, we're not. We're not gonna tell your priest. Okay. It's fine for you to go to the bar every once in a while.

[B]

It's a place I like to go every day.

[A]

Once in a while. There. One time, once in a while, I didn't blow a moon.

[B]

I. I go there. I went there once and I had a blue moon and that was it.

[A]

Just one blue moon. That was it.

[B]

I was driving. I only had one.

[A]

I.

[D]

Blue moon. I'm usually there drinking Bush Lights.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, you said in there.

[A]

Well. Well, did. You know we actually got to get going here.

[C]

Hey, do what you got to do.

[A]

So you be good, all right?

[C]

Will do.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

And drive. Drive those parts safe, okay?

[D]

Absolutely.

[A]

And get on over and get some new Filters just.

[D]

Absolutely.

[A]

All right.

[D]

Make sure you check yours.

[A]

I'll check yours. All right.

[B]

It's actually, you know, you. I was always jealous of you because you always had that. Watch out for deer, Charlie. Mine's gonna be my new tagline is check your air filters.

[A]

That's good. That's good.

[B]

There we go. We okay? It only took me like seven years to figure it out.

[A]

Yeah, there we go. That's fantastic.

[B]

Tell your folks I says hi. And check your air filters.

[A]

Yeah, you should put that on. T shirt. All right, well, we'll see you soon. Okay.

[D]

Yep.

[B]

Bye.

[D]

Bye now.

[A]

Bye.

[B]

You know, I thought we were gonna break them.

[A]

We kept him on there for an hour, Dude.

[B]

Because we were doing the Midwest goodbye. And he just. He really does have a problem on his hands.

[A]

He didn't learn a damn thing from what we said. No, he didn't say say. He was having one bowel movement. Nothing we get. He could have pulled a fire alarm.

[B]

Could have shit his pants.

[A]

Yeah. Could have invited us church. He invited us to the bar.

[B]

He did.

[A]

That's a problem, Miles. You know, the snow always catches you up when you're driving in the winter and whatnot. Because, like, it's slipp.

[B]

Especially right away, like the first snow of the year. Everyone. It's like everyone forgets how to drive in the snow.

[A]

Well, they forget. And then some of them are like, I haven't changed my tires yet. I got driving on these Brazilians, you know, And. And so then all of a sudden, what'd you say? All whacks.

[B]

Driving on butt lifts.

[A]

Jared liked it. Well, there's a few different ways to take it. One, it's like, yeah, I got it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyway, I got you. Ever get a Brazilian? Anyways, guys, what you want to do, whether you've been injured in. In a winter car wreck or a Brazilian, you want to call Nicolet law, and that's 1855. Nicolet. Nicolet law.

[B]

Maybe you got injured at your Brazilian wax.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And on the way home, you get.

[A]

Injured again, you get up in the ditch. Yeah. And that's. I mean, that kind of stress after a waxing, well, you're gonna break out, Okay. I mean, now you got pimples in places you didn't know got pimples.

[B]

And depending on your profession, you might be out for a couple weeks.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And now, right now, all of a.

[B]

Sudden, you should be compensated for that.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, only fans doesn't just pay itself.

[B]

So anyways, Charlie, what should you do if you're find yourself in A pimply situation.

[A]

Well, like I said, Miles, call Nicolay 1-855- Nicolette. Charlie, what's up?

[B]

You know that it's fall, right?

[A]

We know that it's.

[B]

We know that it's fall, Miles.

[A]

Hey, hey.

[B]

We know that it's fall.

[A]

Leaves are falling, and you know, everyone.

[B]

Right now is drinking pumpkin this, pumpkin that. But you and I, Charlie, we're not just a couple of basic. You know what?

[A]

No, we are.

[B]

We are.

[A]

We are inspired.

[B]

We are pouring Tippy Cow orange cream over ice, saying, screw the pumpkin spice.

[A]

Oh, that was a great rhyme. I was about to mention it, and I would have given you more props, but now you brought it up. But still really cool. It's just.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, it's just. It's smooth, it's creamy. Miles, it has a delicious hit of tang.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

They'll make you want to jump in a pile of leaves. No matter. No matter how this podcast goes down. You want to go jump in some leaves?

[A]

I do. Can we get.

[B]

We're at the rake first. But.

[A]

And. And no matter how this podcast goes down. Can we get the pumpkin bags, too? Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah, the orange pumpkin bags. I know what you're talking about. Just so you guys know, it comes in a 750 milliliter bottle, so it's perfect for sharing. Bring it to the tailgate bonfire pumpkin patch so you can milk it for all it's worth.

[A]

You can milk it, Miles. Look at that.

[B]

Oh, my goodness. Graphic. Can you blur that out, Jared? Go on. Tip on back.

[A]

Tippy cow.

[B]

Drink responsibly. Typical rum cream. Copyright 2025 Midwest Custom Bottling, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. All rights reserved.

[A]

Dude, Timmy, did you flirt with a moment?

[C]

Mom. Boys, I did. On accident.

[B]

All right, what happened with you? And said mom, and there's no shame.

[A]

In the game, so.

[C]

Okay, boys. Okay, so I was at this concert with two of my friends.

[B]

One concert.

[C]

It was a Cody Johnson concert.

[B]

I went to a Cody Johnson concert in August, so.

[C]

Oh, yeah, maybe that's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Where was your concert at?

[C]

Spokane.

[B]

Yeah, I was not in Spokane, Washington, at a Cody Johnson concert. Yeah, Continue on.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, yeah. So to put in context, my best friend and his fiance, I was third wheeling with them. Not really. It's pretty normal thing for me. Okay. And all right, since. Since that's a normal thing, Timmy decided to get on the booze a little too hard before. And at the concert, so I was pretty, pretty drunk.

[B]

And also, I love starting out using your name in third person.

[A]

Yeah, Timmy, on the hooch train.

[B]

I hope that that's what you were doing when you were hitting on this mom. I'm sure that worked good.

[C]

I didn't. I didn't know Timmy likey. No, no, no, no.

[B]

Timmy likes mommy.

[C]

Well, kinda.

[D]

She was cute.

[C]

And so she's sitting in front of us and. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, I'm not sure if I'm seeing 2, 3, or 4 Cody Johnson's right now, but I mean, just look at the center 1k. So sitting there and she's sitting alone, taking a video. And I'm like, oh, she's. She's kind of cute. And she's older.

[B]

Like, no, that's not what you said. You go, God, that chick's hot.

[A]

Didn'T you?

[C]

I just said, I'm gonna. Let's see where this goes. So I kind of lean forward and I'm like, hey, how's it going? And so we start. I start flirting with her. Timmy's doing his thing. And I did say, hey, I'm Timmy. And yeah, you can call me Timmy, but I'll also call myself Timmy. But she's like, you are. First of all. She goes, you are way too young for me. And I was like, well, was it.

[B]

Was it? Was it. You're way too young for me. It was. You are way too young for me.

[C]

No, no, no. It was the first one. I was like, you're way too young for me. With a little laugh.

[D]

And.

[C]

And so, first of all, right there, I'm like, oh, sweet. She's like, she's. She. Maybe, maybe. Here we go. And I said, well, how. First of all, you don't ever tell him your age. You say, how old do you think I am? And she said, between 29 and 32. And I said, you're right, I'm 30, which is a lie. I'm 23. What? Enough beers. 23 looks like 30.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Okay. That's right.

[C]

And she said, I have kids that are going into college this year, so she's old enough to be my mom for sure, which I knew she was. She. My guess is she was around the age of 50 maybe, which is.

[B]

I mean, like Timmy, like, that's the reason why you're talking to her. You like. Yeah. You're into that.

[A]

Timmy's got a thing.

[C]

She could have a lot of money. That means. That's what that could mean. Or she could come with a lot of problems, like kids.

[B]

Yeah, but if they're grown, then you're Good. Actually, this is, like, the perfect scenario.

[A]

They can be your friends, too.

[B]

They could be your drinking buddies.

[A]

Yeah, you play your cards right, Timmy. Yeah, you can. You can get an invite to Easter, dude.

[C]

Yes, exactly. But she And I was like, oh, that's all right. I'm fine with having a few step kids in college, only four or five years older than them realistically, but you think I'm.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

So then I'm hopping over a seat, and I'm standing by her, and she starts. Starts flirting a little bit, taking pictures with me and stuff. And then she's. It's going great. Going great. I mean, can't think of anything wrong. And then I throw my arm around her, and my friends are behind me and my body. My best friend, he's like, moving my arm, like, low back. Not on the butt, but low back. And I'm like, all right, stop it. Stop touching my arm. Let me, Let me work my thing here.

[A]

Yeah, but Timmy.

[B]

Let. Timmy, let Timmy work.

[C]

Yeah, let me. Let me work. Let me do my thing. And then his fiance is, like, pulling my arm off and, like, fondling her hair and messing with her shoulder like, it's me. So this girl thinks, like, I'm just all handsy with her, playing with her hair and all this. Realistically, it's my friends right behind me, and I'm just, at this point, so many beers in. I'm just laughing at this point. And so then end up, she. I wouldn't say either of us. I would say we kissed each other. Okay. I didn't really lean in. She didn't lean in. I think it just kind of happened.

[A]

That sounds like somebody who's in trouble with their dorm room or something. We kissed each other. I swear.

[C]

You know, you're gonna like this part then, because I, I. This is why I said that. I wouldn't say either of us really made the move. But then as we're kissing, she kind of leans away and goes, hold up. We can't use tongue. And I looked at her and I said, okay. What? That's kind of never heard that before as you start to kiss a girl. What's up? And she goes, we can't use tongue. And I'm on the right side of her. It's dark out. I'm 12 beers deep. And she lifts up her left hand and goes, I'm married. And shows me the biggest rock that I've ever seen.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Timmy.

[A]

You hooked up with Cody Johnson's mom, dude. Geez. Yep, yep, says Cody Johnson.

[B]

And. Yeah, she sounds like a good gal.

[C]

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I said, you know what? Everybody makes mistakes. And maybe if this. What's the worst thing is I could be a home wrecker and I'd never know. Like, I didn't. You can't blame that on me, right?

[A]

Did you grow up Catholic, Timmy?

[C]

No, no. Christian.

[B]

Just. Just blanket Christian or. Yeah, you're non denominator.

[A]

Non denominator. The feel goods.

[C]

Yep. Huh.

[A]

Was it off a highway, your church?

[B]

No, it was all strip mall.

[C]

Close. Yeah. No, no.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

So.

[B]

So then what'd you do? What did. How did it end up.

[C]

So I ended up. Luckily, the concert was about over, so.

[B]

I like that. She's like, I'm married, so let's just stick to lip kissing and no tongue. All right?

[C]

Yeah, exactly. Which makes me think, this isn't the first time this has happened with this group girl. If she's out here kissing other guys in public and then goes, I'm married. She's. They maybe have maybe a little bit of an open relationship. Maybe not. So. But what I did, I just hopped right back over the seat that I was standing in front of to my row to my seat now with my friends. And as she said this, I think we all kind of turned and our jaws kind of hit the floor like, what just happened? What's going on? So I hopped up there and I'm like, we need to get out of here. And I was like, I don't know if her husband's here or not, but we need to get out of here before he is here. And so we're standing there and everybody's kind of trying to get out of the venue. And her friend comes up and goes, oh, what's going on here? And she looks at her friend and goes, you know what happens here stays here, right? And I was like, oh, my gosh, what is this woman? Like? This woman is married. Why is she, like, okay with all. All this? So then as I'm like, dude, let's get out of here. My buddy, being a smart ass, he is, he leans down and goes, hey, you have a good night. Did he tell you he was 17, by the way? You should have seen the look on her face. She was it. Her jaw hit the floor like, oh, no, I didn't just mess up. I messed up real bad. And then I. And then I. We just left. We didn't ever say anything. For all it's worth, she still thinks that I'm 17.

[A]

Okay, all right, hang on. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a psa. If you know what was her name.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

If you know a mother of college age children who likes to go to Cody Johnson concerts and make out with Spokane, Washington. Spokane, Washington. Make out with younger looking fellas. You let her know that Timmy Johnson's 23. No, not Timmy. Timmy. Never mind. I will give you Johnson's last name. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I have Cody Johnson's son, Timmy Johnson.

[A]

She got Timmy's Johnson going.

[C]

I mean, for a split second.

[B]

Never.

[C]

Not much of a boner killer when you hear the woman's married.

[B]

I had a boner right there until she said that. Then it went away.

[C]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I actually popped a B while Cody Johnson was singing Dear Rodeo. But then that went away pretty fast when she said she was married.

[C]

Yeah. I was like, I just want to get a little chubbed up for Cody. That's it. I promise. Yeah. So, I mean, that's kind of how it went down. And that's. That's the end of that.

[B]

Well, you get her number?

[C]

Hell no.

[A]

Look, man, you know, you didn't know. You didn't do anything wrong.

[B]

Okay, but like this is what you're supposed to be doing at 23 is like hitting on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hitting on moms.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean like I. Yeah.

[A]

And there's a lot of moms out there that are single and just looking for 23 year old to hang out with for a little bit. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not gonna yuck any mom's yum. You know, and I don't think we should be out here judging them.

[B]

And unless they're married.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what I was saying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But even, even in that case, you don't know. You don't know. Like maybe she's got a no tongue compact with her hobby and that's how they do it. The. No, the no tongue swing, you know, it's baby swings.

[C]

I hope so. I hope this guy's not out here just looking for me, but no, I.

[A]

Bet you he's out there with like a 23 year old opposite of you. Yeah.

[C]

I don't know if that's do do girl. Are girls into that? Are 23 year old girls into that? What are 23 year old year old girls into? 50 year old men.

[B]

That's the only people they're into these days.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Because sorry to break it to you, Timmy, no one in their 20s can provide for a woman anymore. You can't afford shit.

[C]

You can't Even provide for yourself.

[B]

Yeah. Fucking. Have you ever heard of a guy named Bill Belichick? I mean, come on, dude.

[A]

Dude's doing yoga again.

[C]

24.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

If you are 23 years old right now, you cannot provide for a woman, so why do you think they want?

[C]

True, true. Okay, yeah, hopefully her husband's doing that then. And maybe we all need up.

[A]

You are so guilt ridden, Timmy. Dude, you. You didn't even know.

[B]

Yeah, you. There's no way you're non denominat. You are definitely Catholic. Yeah, guilt, bro.

[C]

Get over it, all of you Catholic chicks.

[A]

It's fine. You're fine. You did good.

[B]

You feel guilty. She thinks you're 17, dude.

[C]

Yeah, I, I, I don't.

[A]

We had to put on a PSA so she could, like, sleep easy.

[C]

Yeah, no, I mean, I don't look like 17, so I think she's good.

[B]

Good.

[C]

I think she, she knows.

[B]

But what, what's the dating scene been like since? You find any other cougars?

[C]

No, no, no cougars. I've tried to stay away. I'm a little traumatized, but I, I kind of just needed the, the affirmation from you guys to say that I didn't do anything wrong so I can get back out into the.

[A]

Yeah, dude, we're here to provide it.

[B]

If that's the worst thing you do in your life. You have a pretty good life. Yeah, cuz, like, we talked to someone earlier today who was out of a wishing fountain for drug. For drugs. I think you're doing fine, T. This.

[A]

Girl was stealing other people's wishes to buy drugs, and you just got one of those wishes.

[C]

Maybe one of them coins was my coin for a hot mil. And so she took half my wish.

[B]

Yeah, that's why you didn't get any tongue, dude. That's why you only got lips.

[C]

Yeah, maybe it was that crackhead's fault, all right?

[B]

How dare you call Sophia crackhead.

[A]

Sophia has a great job now working for a construction marketing company.

[C]

Is she married?

[A]

Yeah, she's got her accomplice. Is.

[B]

Hasn't popped the question, but he's going too soon.

[A]

He's an electrician and keeps her grounded.

[B]

So she's almost right up your alley, Timmy.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Sounds like she's halfway there to a perfect spot.

[A]

A few more months old. Timmy rocks, we call him, because he has doesn't get it going with anyone who done him a rock.

[B]

The reason why I asked how the dating's going because, like, you may have, like, a Stifler's mom situation on your hands where, like, now Girls your age aren't even interesting to you, you know? Has that happened?

[C]

Yeah. No, no, no. Don't you worry, Miles. I. You know, I was on a little bit of a dry spell before this, and it kind of kicked me out of it. And hear me out. And I mean, like a year and a half didn't. Didn't even.

[A]

A year and a half.

[C]

Half. You didn't even kiss a girl for a year and a half. Which was fine. You know, I couldn't just save the money at that point, trying to provide for one woman instead of 15. And so that. And then I kissed this mom, and on the way out, I mean, the cutest girl, she was 22, my age, and she ends up like her friends. I don't know. I was pretty drunk, and I said, I think we should just make out while we're walking down the road. So I don't remember, actually. I don't think I said that. I don't think I said that because, guys.

[B]

But yeah, it was. Timmy like to make out with you right here to me.

[A]

Tonguey.

[B]

Timmy want tonguey.

[A]

Timmy got blue Bali with no tonguey.

[C]

Yeah, didn't say that, but I felt that. And so I ended up kissing her and stuff. And there's a good cute photo that her friends took of her cowboy hat over us making out, and so kind of snapped me out of a good, good dry smell.

[B]

So is that your girlfriend now, or you're like, talking like you're like you're gonna get married to this gal?

[C]

No, we went to the bars and she end living five hours away. And then that was that one night we made out, and that's it. So it snapped me out of this dry spell, though. So we're. We've. We've hung out with a few different girls now. So we're back in the day and.

[A]

Back in the game. All you need was just. You need that mom to just knock you straight, dude. Yeah, we're happy she was there. Do it.

[B]

And maybe.

[A]

Maybe that's. Maybe she wasn't even married. You ever think about that?

[C]

Oh. Oh, we got. What didn't Adam Sandler do that?

[A]

I don't know. But what I'm saying is maybe some. Some moms, if they. No, she would have full on made out, but some people have a ring in their pocket, and they put it on if they want to bail on the encounter.

[C]

Okay, true, true. Yeah. Hopefully that was it.

[A]

Probably not, but it's just a wishful thought at this point. Yep.

[B]

For sure.

[C]

So, yeah, I mean, that's all I had. I didn't need the advice. I just needed a little help getting out of the dumps and feeling all the guilt. So, yeah, unless you guys got anything else next time. What do. What do I do next time?

[B]

Well, I mean. What do you mean? Like, you. You're. It seems like you. You're in denial about really loving the idea of hooking up with a box bomb.

[C]

No, no, I. I mean, I. Obviously, I know the right answer or the first answer. Look at the left hand. See if there's a ring there or not. That's the first thing.

[A]

But you don't want to do that, do you, Timmy?

[B]

So, I mean, kind of likes the thrill, doesn't he?

[A]

He likes the chase.

[C]

I love the chase.

[B]

The chase? The.

[A]

The forbidden.

[C]

Yeah, you know, like, you know, sometimes. Yeah, I'm trying to make a good analogy. Give me. Sometimes you just want what you can't have, right? Like, you just chase what you can. Sometimes that rock means that's a chase you can't have, and you just gotta go for it. And that's totally a joke. I'm not going after married women. I'm not trying to be a home wrecker. I promise.

[A]

It takes two to tango, Timmy. All right. Okay.

[C]

Okay. All right.

[A]

And so Timmy Tangos.

[C]

Timmy Tangos. That's it.

[A]

That's your new name. Timmy Tango.

[B]

I imagine he comes to the bar like busts.

[C]

Wait, wait, wait, Miles, is that. Is that a C M E s or C U m s?

[A]

Oh, Timmy tangos is getting after it. He said, Timmy comes to the bar and. Which.

[C]

Just got to clarify. Which comes.

[B]

You are 23 years old. Are you. Holy.

[C]

Okay, sorry, Miles, what are you saying? When I come.

[B]

It doesn't matter, Timmy, you're. I feel like I need, like a. A once a month. Timmy Timmy Tango segment on this podcast just to hear. Hear the stuff you're getting yourself into.

[C]

I got a good story. Maybe we call back next month because I got one, and it's. It's. This one isn't with mom. It's moms. It's with sisters. Trio of sisters. So maybe we. We keep the segment going and next month you guys call back and get that story because you can't. Can't go through all of them in one call because I'm not that interesting of a guy. We'll run out on this segment real.

[B]

Fast, but he'd say he needs to live life a little.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Well, we'll bring it back on.

[B]

I guess that Timmy tango left a little cliffhanger I guess for us.

[A]

Timmy Tangos, that was. That was the first episode of Timmy tangos with a married woman, ladies and gentlemen. Stay tuned next time when Timmy Tango's with two sisters.

[B]

Three sisters.

[A]

Three sisters.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

That wasn't in Milwaukee, was it?

[C]

Oh, I think their last name did start with a B, but I'm not sure.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

You know.

[B]

Oh, no, that sounds familiar.

[C]

No, I'm kidding. No, I did that. That did drop that episode about the guy wanting your sister to date, and that dropped last week, didn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was. That was a crash burn for that dude. He. He was the most uninteresting person.

[D]

I mean, zero.

[C]

Like, what, you're not gonna say anything to me?

[A]

Her?

[C]

You're gonna, like, shoot your shot and then be like, come on.

[B]

All right, well, Timmy. Timmy Tango, what's your pickup line then? Other than, hey, you want to make out while we walk out of here?

[C]

Now you're putting me on the spot. Are we talking Charlie's sister? Because that's what that situation was. Okay, Charlie, sister. That's it.

[A]

But now we're throwing it back in your face because, you know, he was under pressure. He was under the gun. Now you are, too. Timmy Tango, who cast the first?

[B]

So be with us.

[C]

Which one is. What's your sister's name again?

[A]

Charlie.

[B]

You think?

[A]

I'm telling you, Timmy Tango, It's.

[B]

It's the sisters.

[A]

It's Nunya barons.

[C]

Oh, okay. Nunya barons. I'd say, how's it going? Nunya barons. And I'd say, you know, I really think your brother is a very interesting character, and I'd be curious to see if you are like that. Would you maybe want to go on a date with me? I think think brother's hilarious. And, you know, I just. I'm not trying to pick Use a pickup line. I'm just trying to be, like, a nice guy, just not sound so awkward and weird like that dude. Also, I'm taking shots at this dude. I don't. I don't know why.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, that wasn't as bad as it could be.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, the bar was pretty low there, Timo.

[B]

You think your sister's sick of guys bringing up you and talking to him? So you just crashed and burned simply because you brought Charlie up?

[C]

Yeah, true. I just didn't want to go full, like, I've been kind of douchebag mode this whole call. If I go douchebag mode in front of Charlie.

[A]

I don't think you've been I don't think you've been douchebag in this call, Timmy. You're. Yeah, you're Timmy Tangos, man. You.

[C]

You.

[A]

You, like, found yourself like. Like a. A suitcase of money on the street. You don't know if you should keep it, you know?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. True.

[A]

It's not a good analogy, but yeah, I didn't.

[C]

I'm not following. That's all right. I. I would like to say, Charlie, the three sisters, their last name is not Baron, so you're all in the clear.

[B]

So it's all of his married sisters.

[C]

Oh, you know me. I'm in the married women.

[A]

Damn, that's a good point. All right, Timmy, well, you call back. We want to hear about the sisters.

[B]

All right?

[C]

All right. Yeah, I'll call back. Back. And Jared will, isn't it? Jared?

[A]

Yeah, Jared.

[C]

Jared. Jared's a dog like, dawg, by the way, Jared.

[B]

Thank you, Mr. Tangos.

[C]

He doesn't get enough credit on this podcast. He does a lot.

[A]

He doesn't.

[C]

And I'm proud of you, Jarrett. I love it when I can hear your voice. Do get a little chubbed up, but it's all right.

[A]

I appreciate it, Timmy. Thank you.

[B]

Also, Jared's married as well, so.

[A]

No, that's why.

[B]

So, Timmy. So Timmy. Tongue. Keep. Relax a little bit here.

[C]

I don't swing both ways, so we're good. But. All right, well, we'll be in touch. We'll maybe get Timmy Tango's part two or episode two on in a few months, and we'll. We'll talk to you guys later.

[A]

All right, Timmy. You be good, my guy. Okay.

[C]

All right. Thanks for taking the call, boys. You guys have a good one.

[A]

We'll see ya. You know, Timmy brings up a good point, Miles. Jared has really killed it here, hasn't he? He really has done a great job. Thank you, Charlie. Yeah, thank you, Jared.

[B]

He's put in the extra work.

[A]

Sometimes his googling favors you, Miles. Sometimes it favors me.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah, I just get told what to Google. That's it. Now we know that he. You do a little more. You filter out the big fights between us here, Jared.

[B]

And yeah, maybe a good way to end this podcast as a. As a Jared appreciation.

[A]

Hey, Miles.

[B]

So, Jared, I want you to clip in all the funny things you've said on the podcast right now. So for Jared appreciation, we're gonna have Jared do a bunch of work. I'm on it.

[A]

To Jared.

[B]

So those listening, cheers to Jared. There's good ships, there's wood ships. There's ships that sail the seas. But the best ships are. Jared. Ships. May they forever be. Cheers, J. Jared.

[A]

Cheers.

[B]

Well, that's another episode of the bellied up podcast. Mr. Barons.

[A]

Dr. Mon Pleasure has been a massive pleasure. Another episode in the books. Hey, don't you forget to tip your bartender, watch for deer, and check your air filters. How'd that feel? Yeah, I got chubbed up on that.

[B]

Okay, hope you guys have a good one.

[A]

Goodbye, now.

[B]

Toodaloo.