Sasheer Is Finally Back On Top LIVE! (Re-Release)

Summary

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Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata

Episode: Sasheer Is Finally Back On Top LIVE! (Re-Release)
Date: December 18, 2024
Podcast Network: Headgum

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Episode Overview

Recorded in front of a live audience, this episode is a celebratory, unscripted display of the genuine, hilarious friendship between comedians Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata. Known for their exuberance and honesty, the duo explores recent adventures (notably a Hawaii trip), wacky interviews, their love of shopping, life with ADHD, airport pet peeves, sex toys, audience Q&A, and everything in between. Their quick wit, unabashed openness, and heartfelt exchanges make for a standout, laugh-out-loud listen.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Hilarious Interview Stories & Media Experiences

• Wild Interview Moments:
  • Nicole shares an interview with Blavity, discussing comedy and her career rather than solely her identity.
  • Sasheer recalls a bizarre interview about performing on 9/11 and whether Beyoncé would attend her show, which led to misquoting and offbeat questions ([02:08]).

"Did you just ask me about 9/11? And then quickly segue to Beyoncé?"
— Sasheer, [02:25]

• Awkward Media Interactions:
  • Nicole narrates an instance where a male interviewer asks if being attractive makes comedy harder, questioning gender bias in comedic spaces ([04:25]).

2. Girl Trip Recap: Hawaii Antics

• Tropical Chaos:

  • Their trip is detailed—from battling giant cockroaches, dealing with Hawaii’s moist, roach-friendly conditions, to misadventures with vacation planning.
  • They confess to doing little advance planning, resulting in closed museums and impromptu excursions ([14:32]).

• ATV Adventure:

  • Nicole admits to driving wildly on ATVs, with plants "whipping" Sasheer, and a mud splash blinding them mid-ride ([15:06]).

• Boat Bliss:

  • Nicole describes the boat day as one of the happiest moments of her life, physically crying on the water out of joy. She also takes photos for another couple, prompting repeated, grateful thanks ([23:03]).

"I only feel happy."
— Nicole, [23:10]

3. Life as Friends: Shopping, Quirks & Jokes

• Shopping Obsessions:

  • Nicole revels in a $300, three-hour Nordstrom Rack spree, delighting in the act of touching and trying on items in real life, versus online shopping. They both reflect on the thrill of thrift stores versus department stores ([21:33]).

• "Eye on the stove" vs. "Burner":

  • An extended inside joke unfolds as Nicole is baffled by the term "eye" for a stove’s burner, with much heckling from both parties ([09:29]).

• Airport Rules & Rants:

  • Nicole is fiercely devoted to airport procedure, hilariously confronting line-jumpers, with Sasheer playfully critiquing her escalating tone and the pattern of airport altercations ([29:14], [30:27]).

"I want to fight at the airport!"
— Nicole, [30:18]

4. Medication, ADHD, and Mental Health

• ADHD Chronicles:
  • Nicole discusses her experience being diagnosed with ADHD, why she takes (or forgets) her meds, and the resulting "frivolous spending" stories ([19:09]).
  • She narrates how her psychiatrist diagnosed her due to her rapid-fire, tangential speaking style ([19:09]).

5. Sex & Humor: Sex Machines, Dildos, and Crystal Toys

• BuzzFeed Quiz: "How Good Are You in Bed?":

  • They take a silly quiz based on trip to Costco and receive the result "Sex Machine" for both, celebrating their (quiz-validated) prowess ([44:09]).

• Sex Toy Stories:

  • Nicole recounts buying a riding pillow and selecting different dildo sizes—humorously anxious to not appear "shallow" to the sex toy seller ([46:00]).
  • Sasheer discusses crystal dildos, prompting a funny tangent about quality control and the weirdness/appeal of nontraditional sex paraphernalia ([49:47]).

"I bruised my cervix. Like, for real. So I'm waiting for my smaller dill."
— Nicole, [46:56]
"If I was hooking up with a girl and she pulled out a crystal dildo, I'd be like, you're a wizard, Harry."
— Nicole, [51:18]

6. Friendship Q&A with the Audience

• Long-Distance Friendships:

  • The duo recommends regular phone calls (not just texting), traveling to see each other, and meeting in new places to sustain friendships across cities ([52:36]).

• Setting Boundaries:

  • They encourage setting and communicating boundaries, emphasizing the importance of friends who adapt and respect who you are becoming. If not, “leave them at the gas station” ([56:22]).

"It kind of sucks that your friends haven't been respectful to the boundaries that you've set. But I think that might mean that they're not your friends..."
— Nicole, [56:03-56:22]

• Admiration & Affirmation:
  • A heartwarming exchange about their friendship, trust, and knowing what the other needs ensues, with audience and hosts affirming "there are no bad titties"
    ([60:49]).

7. Audience & Listener Questions

• Making Friends Without Sending "Flirty" Signals:

  • Nicole pokes fun at the predicament of being "too cute and flirty," while both hosts agree men often misread intentions. The segment is peppered with classic Byer-Zamata banter ([65:11]).

• Cultural—Elves, Kilts, and Titty Talk:

  • Tangents about Icelandic elves and Scotland’s unicorn national animal provide a glimpse into their mutual fascination with odd facts and playful teasing ([70:13]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Do you think Beyoncé is going to see your show? And I was like, did you just ask me about 9/11? And then quickly segue to Beyoncé?" — Sasheer, [02:25]
• "So you're pretty? Do you find it hard to get laughs on stage because you're so attractive? ... Would you ask a man that?" — Nicole, [04:26]
• "If I fall out of this ATV, I guess I live in Hawaii now." — Sasheer, [15:40]
• "You can't promise a bitch soft serve and then not give it to her." — Nicole, [42:25]
• "I want to fight at the airport. I'll slam my fucking carry-on into your head." — Nicole, [30:19]
• "There are no bad titties." — Nicole & Sasheer, [63:40]
• "Mahalo. Oh, so I didn't take my medicine yesterday, and then I had to go to Staples for my classroom supplies. And then I left after I got them, and then I was like... Nordstrom Rack..." — Nicole, [19:29]
• "If your shit doesn't fit in the overhead, roll your ass out." — Nicole, [31:11]
• "Leave them at the gas station." — Nicole, giving friendship boundary advice, [56:22]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 00:44 – Live show opening: Nicole & Sasheer introduce themselves on stage
• 02:08 – Media interview horror stories
• 11:38 – Recounting the Hawaii cockroach incident
• 14:29 – Vacation planning failings & museum misadventures
• 15:06 – ATV driving adventures
• 23:03 – Boat trip brings Nicole to tears of joy
• 21:33 – Nicole's Nordstrom Rack shopping extravaganza
• 29:14 – Nicole’s infamous airport confrontations & rants on air travel etiquette
• 44:09 – BuzzFeed "sex machine" quiz results
• 46:00 – Nicole discusses riding pillow and sex toy "sizing"
• 49:47 – Sasheer introduces the world of crystal dildos
• 52:36 – Audience Q: How to maintain long-distance friendships
• 56:22 – Advice on boundaries in established friendships
• 60:49 – Heartfelt, goofy, yet touching affirmation of friendship and self-image
• 63:40 – Conclusion: “there are no bad titties”
• 65:11 – Advice: Avoiding misread flirty intentions when making friends

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Episode Tone & Style

• Uninhibited, quick-witted, lovingly irreverent, and occasionally raunchy
• Dynamic, supportive friendship peppered with playful insults and sincere compliments
• Honest engagement with both light and serious subjects (e.g., mental health, boundaries)

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Takeaways

Listeners are treated to a riotous yet authentic experience of female friendship—complete with awkward moments, self-affirmation, candid sex talk, and real advice for making friends and sustaining relationships. The episode balances hilarity with heart, and leaves fans eager for more Nicole and Sasheer in the new year.

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Transcript

[A]

Hello, friends. We are taking a little holiday break because we gots to get our travel on. But we will be back January 8th and if you really miss us, you can listen to our older episodes. Otherwise, we'll see you in the new year. Bye.

[B]

Bye. Yeah. Wow.

[C]

Thank you so much for coming out.

[A]

Yes, thank you for coming. Welcome to Best Friends Live.

[C]

Yeah. I'm Sashir Zemeda.

[A]

I'm Nicole Byers.

[B]

And that's Kimmy on the keys.

[C]

Kimmy on the keys. Wow. We spent all day together. Yeah, well, not all day. We had separate mornings, thank God.

[A]

No, we need a little time apart. You've said this.

[C]

You're right.

[B]

I was tricking you.

[C]

Yeah. Wait, so what did you do this morning?

[B]

You had an interview.

[A]

I had an interview with Blavity.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And, yeah, And I just talked about being black. It's a black website.

[C]

So, like, what were the questions? Was it like, so are you?

[A]

People wanna know, are you?

[B]

And you're like, yeah.

[C]

What were some of the sample questions?

[A]

Actually it didn't have that much to do with me being black, but it was like, you know, how did you get into comedy? What are your biggest setbacks? What have you learned in your career? Stuff like that.

[C]

Good stuff.

[A]

Really good stuff. Yeah.

[C]

I listened to an interview that I did while we were on vacation in Hawaii and I won't say what publication it is. Help them.

[A]

No, call them out.

[C]

But he was like, so you're going to be in our city on 9 11. Feels wild, right? Also, Beyonce's here. You going to try to see her? And I was like, wait, no.

[A]

Do you think she's going to see your show?

[C]

Do you think Beyonce is going to see your show? And I was like, did you just ask me about 9 11? And then quickly segue to Beyonce?

[B]

And then they didn't put that part.

[C]

In the article, but you better believe they misquoted me left and right.

[A]

Yeah, a lot of interviews suck, so it's nice when you get a good one.

[C]

The best interview I did was.

[B]

Were you there?

[C]

No. Mateo, my friend.

[A]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[C]

Matteo Lane, my other friend. John and Nick, my two friends from high school. They were there. It was for Elle magazine. The lady transcribed it word for word. And I sound like a lunatic. Like at one point they were like, what is cake? And I was like, sponge.

[B]

It is called a sponge.

[A]

Boy, oh boy.

[C]

But I don't know. Cake. What is cake? See, hard, like it was a hard question.

[A]

A baked good.

[C]

Oh, fuck.

[B]

I think that's the answer. Fuck. That interview's Two years old and nobody has said thanked. Good.

[C]

That's the right answer.

[A]

Yeah. One time I did an interview, and the guy transcribed everything we said except one question. And he asked me. Well, I guess it was like, a comment. He was like, so you're pretty? And I was like.

[C]

What?

[A]

I was like, tight nail. What is this going?

[C]

But that specifically sucks, because either answer is wrong.

[A]

It'll be like, yes or no. I'm not. I'm trash. It's like, well, either you're delusional or delusional.

[C]

I was truly wondering what the second one was going to be. Delusional. Delusionals. Good.

[A]

Thanks.

[C]

So are you pretty?

[A]

So he goes, no. Well, hold on. He goes, so you're pretty? Do you find it hard to get laughs on stage because you're so attractive? And I said, what the fuck? You can't ask me that. Would you ask a man that? And he was like, well, there aren't really that many attractive men in comedy. And I was like, all right, you got me there.

[B]

Oh, come on.

[A]

I mean, there are. There definitely are.

[C]

Like, Kevin James.

[A]

But I guess I should have come for Kevin James.

[B]

Yo. What did he do to you? Absolutely nothing. He's just trying to make people laugh. He's just trying to be a mall cop. You know.

[C]

Honestly, what a funny name for a movie franchise. Paul Blart.

[B]

So many people signed off on the name Paul Blart.

[C]

Mm.

[A]

See, that's why they did that. It's funny. It makes people laugh.

[C]

Kimmy, can you look up if there's an actual person named Paul Blart?

[A]

Have you seen that?

[C]

He has a.

[A]

No.

[C]

Nah, I don't think so.

[A]

No, wait, can you. Can you scroll up a little bit?

[C]

Wait.

[A]

Oh, wait, it was, like, a little bit down. A little bit down. A little bit down. Paul Blart, Mall Cop recap. Falling over with style.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Have you seen that Instagram of that man? Who. I think he's a security guard and he just farts.

[C]

Absolutely not.

[A]

It's an Instagram account. I don't know what it's called, but. Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy.

[C]

On the key fart.

[A]

It's just a guy who. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

All right, all right.

[B]

Yes. This is it.

[C]

These are. What a loud fart. Is he sick? He's not well, and he looks.

[A]

He's dead at the camera the whole time while he's just farting.

[B]

Wow, this is long.

[A]

Oh, this is a compilation.

[C]

A minute and 46 seconds. We are 34 seconds in, and I feel like it's tomorrow.

[A]

But I think that's the compilation from his Instagram account. Cause they're just. Each post is just one of those.

[C]

You know what the saddest thing is? Every time he made kind of a cute face, I was like, I guess I'd fuck him, you know? You know what? He's not farting all the time. Yeah. Just at work. Yeah.

[A]

And that's great. He's getting it out of his system at work. So when he comes home, he's all cleaned out, ready to fuck, fart free.

[B]

And there's nothing I hate more than one A man flirts while inside of me.

[C]

Has it. I don't think it's ever happened. Has it happened? Oh, my God. You've been in a LTR Long Term Relationship. I did that acronym good.

[A]

You did? Yeah, it came pretty easily, but none of the other words did.

[B]

Where were we? Hawaiian. I was trying to say always having fun.

[C]

Eight if a island. Ahf. And I know. Yes. And I know that now.

[B]

It was in front of somebody else and I was so embarrassed.

[A]

A what was the one that we did earlier today? And I got it so fast, and you're like, that makes me mad. Because I was able to think of.

[C]

The letters very quickly saying, I don't know. You were even driving, too.

[A]

So, like, my brain was on fire.

[C]

You had, like, a task at hand and you were able to think, what did I say to you earlier? Oh, I was like, so you don't have add. Does that mean you remember everything? So, like, you go to sleep, you're like, I did all the things I.

[B]

Was supposed to do.

[C]

And you're like, I guess, but we never got into it. So you remember stuff.

[A]

I do.

[C]

How does that feel?

[A]

It feels good. Sometimes I don't remember stuff, but does.

[C]

It ever happen in a panic? You're, like, driving somewhere and you're like, I didn't shut the oven off.

[A]

Oh, I've definitely forgotten stuff before. Like, I've left an eye on the stove on before and left the house.

[C]

You left a what?

[A]

Like an eye on the stove.

[C]

A what? An aisle.

[A]

An eye. An eye on the stove.

[C]

You left an eye on the stove? Have you not heard of this?

[B]

Never in my life. Wait, what am I, stupid?

[C]

Thank you. Wait, I'm the weird one? You're the fucking idiot.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a fucking freak. You're a fucking freak. Why are you leaving on stoops, you fucking weirdo?

[C]

People don't call it an eye.

[B]

What is an eye?

[A]

Kimmy, please help.

[C]

I've never heard of this before. I've never been more pleased. Uh, Stow Eyes.

[A]

It's a thing.

[C]

What did you sell?

[B]

Fuck all of you.

[C]

Nobody calls it that. What'd you grow up in, a Pixar fucking cartoon? I don't know where.

[B]

Oh, you love that fucking magical toaster shit.

[A]

Brave little toaster.

[B]

Yes. That's why you call your oven icy.

[A]

Because I think it's a lie.

[B]

Yes. Wow.

[C]

That was hard for me to get out.

[A]

I knew where you were going.

[C]

Thank you. So we went to Hawaii. I'm tired. Well, you got up and crouched in.

[A]

Front of me and screamed at me.

[C]

I also did small movements that took a lot out of me. Did you notice?

[A]

No.

[C]

My little feet were going, ooh. Which is my favorite movie in Black lady sketch show. I turn around in a chair, and I do this as I turn.

[B]

Just for me.

[A]

That's fun.

[B]

No one has commented on that.

[C]

No one was like, brave choice. So we just got back from Hawaii. What a dang treat.

[A]

What a treat.

[C]

Except for the cockroach. There was a giant cockroach in our room that was maybe this fucking big.

[A]

It was really big.

[C]

Like, okay. Podcasting is an audio medium, so it was as big as a horse. It was the biggest insect I've ever seen in my life.

[A]

It was really nasty. I was about to get in the shower. I was starting to disrobe.

[C]

I was laying on the bed, luxuriating. Is that a word?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Okay, it is.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

I am killing it. No.

[A]

Eyes are. Yes, you're right. All the time. Let's be nice.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Tuesday. Nope. Thursday's my day.

[A]

All right, well. Oh, wait. I was about to get in the shower, and I moved the shower curtain, and then a roach just crawled right in front of me. And I was like, no.

[C]

And then I was like, what happened? And you were like a roach.

[A]

And I was like, ah.

[C]

And then I picked up a book.

[A]

You picked up a book?

[C]

Cause I was gonna slam it on him.

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[C]

Come on.

[A]

And then I got a trash can. Cause I was gonna try to trap it, but then it crawled up in the shower and stayed in the corner. And so I was just, like, staring at this cockroach, and I guess it's staring at me. And I'm like, what are you gonna do? What move are you gonna make?

[C]

And I was like, should I call the front desk? You were like, absolutely.

[B]

So I called the front desk. I was like, hello. Help. There's a cockroach in our room.

[C]

Truly just like, that. And she was like, what did you say? I was like a cockroach in our room.

[B]

Help.

[C]

She was like, I'm sending someone. And then waited exactly 17 seconds to call back and say, help us.

[A]

It felt like an eternity, though. We were just standing there staring at the roach. And then a tiny old man came in there, the cutest of old men. Got a little tissue, just smashed it with his hand, wiped it away and was like, okay, I got it.

[C]

He didn't even say, smash it. He picked it up.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

To maybe set it free on the other parts of the hotel.

[A]

He's like, oh, they don't like it. I'll put it on the east wing.

[C]

He was like, let's go scare more people. The cockroach's name is Steve, but apparently.

[A]

That happens in Hawaii a lot.

[C]

Yeah. Or there just, like, are roaches there. Yeah. I posted about it on Instagram, and my friend Amanda was like, yeah. Our rental car, we were driving and cockroaches started crawling out of the air vents. And the car rental company was just.

[B]

Like, we'll bring you a new one.

[C]

But I think it's. Cause it's tropical.

[A]

Yeah. Very moist.

[C]

Mm, mm, mm. But we had fun, though. Yes. We went on a lot of adventures, and we were pretty tuckered out every night by 10.

[A]

We did a lot. We did a really good job. We don't usually plan vacations at all.

[C]

We don't plan Truly a thing. We went to Barcelona and we were like, what do people do here? And then we got a list of things to do, and everything was closed by the time we went and did it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I went to the Picasso museum twice after you left, and it was closed both times. And it never occurred to me to.

[A]

Just, look, you're just like, I'm just gonna go there.

[C]

I was like, I don't know. It's 4pm Surely it'll be open. No, apparently museums, they go to sleep early. So we went on ATVs, which was fun.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

You drove like a maniac.

[B]

It was so scary. And I haven't said this to you out loud.

[C]

You thought I drove like a maniac.

[B]

It was so scary. There was fucking plants whipping me. Every bump you saw, you said, my tire's gotta hit that. Wait, that was the point of the ride?

[C]

Yeah, you were supposed to.

[A]

It was like a muddy, dirty ATV ride, and you're supposed to be like, I'm on an adventure.

[B]

You thought I was driving like a maniac?

[C]

A little. Truly. Every bump, you were like, that's for.

[B]

Me.

[C]

Like, at one point, I was like, if I fall out of this atv, I guess I live in Hawaii.

[A]

But that mud splash was fun, right?

[C]

Ooh, that was so much fun. So Shira went so fast into this mud splash that it blinded her.

[B]

Somehow.

[A]

We could see other people's ATV going through this because we were, like, on a group tour going through the puddle, and the water was real pussies about either going slow or just, like, get into the, like, side of the car. The water went above our ATV on the roof and was, like, raining down upon us. And then I couldn't see. We had these goggles on. I was like, all right, this will be fine.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

I can't see anything.

[C]

And I was just wet and scared.

[B]

And I was like, stop. Tell them. Tell them the hand signal.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I fully stopped. Forgot the hand signal they could ever hit us.

[C]

You did that today.

[A]

What?

[C]

We stopped fully at a green light.

[A]

Well, that's because we had to get that dildo. Nicole demanded that we go take a picture with this dildo. This was an hour ago.

[C]

So at Gigi Larue, it's a sex shop. They have a giant foot can dildo. And I've been wanting to see this dildo up close. And we were on our way to Staples because I had to get school supplies from a classroom.

[A]

And she won't. She told me she went to Staples yesterday. I was like, why are you going back to school? And she was like, yep, gotta get my classroom ready. And then never really answer the question. And so I still don't know why she's going to Staples. And then today she's like, will you take me to Staples? I was like, yeah, but why? And she's like, gotta get my school supplies.

[C]

It's funny to lie. Like a harmless little lie and then see how long it takes the person to give up asking you what you really have to do at Staples. Also, I had a day yesterday.

[A]

Wait, we haven't finished the story about the dildo.

[C]

Uh, oh.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

So you stopped at a green light.

[A]

Well, we were on our way to Staples, and then you started telling me the directions to the dildo shop because.

[C]

We hit Santa Monica. And I was like, it's here.

[B]

I think I looked at you and screamed, the dildo's here. May we please stop?

[A]

Well, first you were like. And you're, like, looking feverishly around. And I was like, what's happening?

[C]

And you're like, it's.

[A]

It's that way. Like, it was, like, calling you. So I was following the directions you were giving me. And then. And then you told me where it was. And then you're like, and there's a party spot right there. So I stopped in front of it.

[C]

But I made sure no one was.

[A]

Behind us before I stopped.

[C]

I had no idea. It was very funny to just look at green ahead of me and your car to stop, but I enjoyed it. And then you parked right in front. There was three minutes left on the meter. I picked it up, I announced at the store I was not buying anything, and we left.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It was a good time.

[A]

It was perfect.

[C]

What story was I trying to tell?

[A]

You were gonna talk about how you didn't take your medicine yesterday and you had a real time, and it sounds.

[C]

Like I didn't take my medicine today. It does.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But I did at 9am and it's.

[B]

What time?

[A]

Wait, how long does it last?

[C]

Maybe 10 hours, maybe eight. I don't.

[B]

I didn't ask any questions.

[C]

This lady was like, you definitely have ADHD. Cause I talked to pretty uninterrupted for, like, 10 minutes, and she was like, this is awful for me.

[A]

This is a psychiatrist.

[C]

This is very bad. Yeah. And so she prescribed it, and I asked zero questions. But then I started taking it, and I was like, life is better. I don't need to know anything.

[A]

Whatever it's doing, it's great.

[C]

Mahalo. Oh. So I didn't take my medicine yesterday, and then I had to go to Staples for my classroom supplies. And then I left after I got them, and then I was like. Like, Nordstrom Rack. And I felt like, you know in movies where they're like, ah. I was like, I have to go in there. And then I went up this, like, ascending escalator, and I was like, oh, boy, it's gonna be fun in here.

[A]

I'm glad you didn't go up a still escalator.

[B]

Of course it's ascending.

[C]

No, it could be descending.

[A]

All right, it could be, but you would be going up a descending escalator.

[C]

Yeah. So you're right. Ah, you're finally back on top. So then I went.

[A]

Feels good to be back.

[C]

I went to Nordstrom. I found a big pink coat I didn't need, bought it. It's too small, but, you know, you.

[A]

Didn'T try it on.

[C]

I did.

[A]

Okay. And.

[C]

I just, like, really was filled with joy about shopping, like, in person. I haven't done that in so long. I'm usually just, you know, click clacking on the Internet. But, like, at a real store, you could walk up and down the shoe aisle with no shoes on. And slip your nasty little feet into any shoe you want.

[B]

It is a great fucking time. I was in north stretch for three hours. I spent $300.

[C]

It was like, three hours.

[B]

100 per hour. Seems right to me.

[C]

And then I went to Lane Bryant. Cause I was like, they have sparkly.

[B]

Jeans that I'd seen on the Internet.

[C]

So I wanted to see them in person, try them on. They were no good. So then I bought different jeans that I wasn't even looking for.

[B]

And they don't fit. Why are you buying them too big? I don't know.

[C]

I gotta take my medicine. And that's the moral of that story. Oh, thank you. People are clapping at my frivolous spending. They're like, you go, girl.

[B]

You earned it.

[A]

She won't wear any of those clothes.

[B]

She works so hard to look at things.

[C]

Do you like shopping in real life?

[A]

I do. I love shopping in real life. Like in the store instead of online shopping?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yes. I understand why that was so hard.

[C]

Because I guess everything we do in life is in real life.

[A]

I'm not virtual reality shopping. I'm not like, yes, I do in real life, but we shop together.

[C]

Yeah. I guess thrifting to me is different than shopping.

[A]

Why?

[C]

I'm not sure. And I knew this question was gonna come after I said it.

[A]

Is it because thrifting's more like a hunt? Yeah, maybe it is.

[C]

Yeah. And it's like, I know I'm gonna put in the work, but at Nordstrom Rack, I just walked. And the things came to me. I was like, how could I not buy these? Neutrogena fucking Hydrating Facial wife? How could I not buy this fucking mirror?

[B]

How could I not, you know, buy this adventure backpack?

[A]

Yeah, you did get an adventure backpack.

[C]

I'm really excited about my adventure backpack.

[A]

It's waterproof.

[C]

Yeah. Cause when we went on that boat, I didn't have anything waterproof, you guys.

[A]

We got on a boat in Hawaii.

[C]

I. I might cry. I've never been happier.

[A]

It really was the happiest I've ever seen.

[B]

At one point.

[C]

So she was like, do you feel the waves? And I said, I only feel happy.

[A]

She got dead serious. You cried multiple times.

[C]

It was really fun.

[A]

It was great.

[B]

I liked it so much.

[A]

It was a whole day on the boat.

[C]

And then I took pictures of that couple. And they kept thanking me.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that was. You are a good, like, photographer. Like. Like, for. To prompt people for poses. Like, they were like, can we get a picture and she's like, okay, look like you love each other. All right, look sexy. All right, look like now a fun one. And then they just, you know, they're doing like. And then they got the phone back and they're like, these are the best pictures we ever had in our entire life.

[C]

We've never looked like we had fun in one time. And as they were driving away, it was. It was pitch black. No lights. And we're black people.

[A]

And, well, we could be seen. There's headlights.

[C]

No, it was so dark.

[A]

We were in a dark field.

[C]

No street lights anywhere. We were one with the shadows. They somehow found me to thank me a third time.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But I think it's because people are dull in pictures. They just stand there and they're like, hurrah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And it's like, I don't know, squat, pop down, jump in the air.

[B]

Show off your flame shoes.

[C]

I love these shoes.

[A]

They're great.

[C]

Sasheer.

[A]

They're cool.

[C]

Why do you think the ankles of this onesie are so big?

[A]

Did it used to be tighter?

[C]

I think so. No, maybe not. Maybe I just never noticed. But like, who the fuck.

[A]

They are pretty baggy.

[C]

They're so baggy at the ankles. Like, who the fuck has ankles thicker than their calves?

[A]

Well, maybe they're for people with cankles who have ankles as big as their calves.

[C]

What a niche market. Cause I didn't buy this. This was from a job that I had. But I wonder if she was like, oh, no, she's. I better get something that expands everywhere.

[A]

Will you explain what you're wearing so the people listening will know what you're talking about? Oh, yes.

[C]

Cause it's an audio medium. I'm wearing. It's like 100 degrees out. I'm wearing a long sleeve black bodysuit that's pretty thick and a chain belt that says iconic. Thank you. Black lips. And then flame shoes.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then I was wearing purple sunglasses with rhinestones and a backpack with rhinestones.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I look pretty fun.

[A]

You look very fun.

[C]

I would probably approach me. Do you ever think that?

[A]

No.

[C]

Would you approach you if you were not you. You never think that?

[A]

I've never thought of that.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

Like, what's the situation where you would approach, like on the street at a party? Yeah, anywhere. Anywhere.

[C]

Where do you talk to the people?

[A]

I don't really approach that many people.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Not out in the wild, not in real life.

[C]

But if you see an outfit on a boss ass bitch, what do you say?

[A]

Oh, sometimes I am like, excuse me, boss bitch. Where did you get that?

[C]

Yeah. So do you think he would talk to you if you saw yourself on the street?

[A]

I think so.

[C]

I would talk to me too.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

I'd be like, wow, you look like fun. And then I'd be like, yeah, bitch.

[A]

Will you talk to me?

[C]

I mean, obviously not. No, I think I would talk to you, but I think I would wait for someone else to say something to you to see if you yell at them.

[B]

What.

[C]

Like I look mean? No.

[A]

Why would I yell at them?

[C]

I'm not sure. Nicole. What? If I didn't know you, I would think maybe you yelled. Really?

[A]

Just any old person?

[C]

Uh, maybe.

[A]

You think I yelled.

[C]

Maybe.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Or maybe if I was like, hi, how are you? And you go, yeah, okay. I've seen you interact with strangers.

[B]

Oh, no. Are you drinking? Are you okay? Oh, wait, should I stop?

[A]

I'm okay. I swallowed.

[C]

I swallowed. Dang. I was really hoping for a spit take.

[A]

Well, I'm only mean to strangers when they're. When they deserve it.

[C]

When does a stranger deserve it, you domestic terrorist?

[B]

When does a stranger deserve it?

[A]

Like, if they're being rude or in my way. But I've seen you be mean to people who definitely don't deserve it.

[B]

You'll away. No, no.

[A]

We were at an airport coming back from Miami.

[C]

Cancun.

[A]

From Cancun. And you were in first because you always are. And there are people standing in front of the line, like there always are. They're just hovering. And they're like, I'm in zone three, but I gotta be here right now. And you, like, pushed your way through them to get.

[C]

No. I said, sir, are you boarding right now? And he said, no. I said, oh, really? Well, they are boarding school, sky priority and first class and diamond medallions only.

[B]

So I don't know why you're standing here.

[C]

To which he said, there's an airport, lady. Everybody stands.

[B]

I said, there are rules. There are rules to the airport. Sir, you cannot stand here.

[C]

And then that's when I removed him from my way.

[A]

Okay, this. This sounds heroic, but you don't hear.

[B]

You guys are my friend. You did not fuck your fucking stove eyes, you goofy ass bitch.

[A]

You didn't hear this guy's actual tone. He was the most like, I'm mahalo, dude. Like, he was just, like, having fun in Cancun. He's like, ah, man, everybody stands around at the airport. And then you turn around like, no, they're real. Like, you took it from, like, an argument at a 20 to 100 in one second. And I was like, yikes.

[C]

I'll fight anyone at the airport.

[A]

I know.

[C]

I fucking love it. I'll slam my fucking carry on into your head. I want to fight at the airport.

[A]

You fight, you'll tell me you'll come back from trips and tell me like, oh, I got in a fight with this guy at the airport. And I'm like, there's a common denominator. And it's you at the airport. You get into so many fights at the airport. And one time I asked you, or no, maybe you just said it. You were like, yeah, I don't take my medicine before I get on planes. And I'm like, maybe that's part of it.

[C]

Maybe. But I think I'm just a superhero, you know, saving people at the airport from acting fucking stupid. Everyone acts terribly at the airport, and I'm here to let them know. If your shit doesn't fit in the overhead, fucking roll your ass out.

[B]

Fucking chuck it. Don't fucking.

[A]

You don't got nothing, but no one's gonna leave being like, wow, that lady who yelled at me in front of everybody really changed my mind.

[C]

But maybe one person, Kristen, will, and.

[A]

That'S all it takes.

[C]

Also, I can't wait to get recognized while yelling at a person at the airport.

[A]

Someone's gonna film you.

[C]

I can't fucking wait. I can't wait. What are you gonna film? You telling the rules.

[B]

I can't wait.

[C]

Just an aggressive woman being like, these are rules.

[A]

Yeah, whatever.

[C]

I'm just preparing for my classroom. Okay.

[B]

What classroom is this?

[C]

And nice board with the rules. You'll see when we go to Staples later. You still have to take me.

[A]

Will it be open?

[C]

I don't.

[A]

Yeah, you're the one who goes to Staples all the time. You don't know when it's open.

[C]

I am new to this classroom situation, so I haven't figured out what time it closes.

[A]

I can't imagine it'd be open at, like, 11pm why not?

[C]

Most things are not. I was gonna say R, but then I was like, it's la. Nothing's fucking open. Yeah, I don't know. Let's swing by one and see what happens. Great.

[A]

We can also look it up online.

[C]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I don't like looking up stuff.

[A]

Oh, I know. Sometimes you'll just like, drive around and not put the badges in the GPS and you're just like, well, we'll see.

[C]

It's fun. I like it. Also, I don't want them to know where I am all the time, but they do anyway. Not with. But I don't have my gyps on.

[A]

No, but it. But you know when you, like, open the map and it shows you where you are anyway, whether you put the address in or not?

[B]

I hate this.

[A]

Do you think you were outsmarting the Maps app?

[B]

I didn't think I knew where. I didn't think I knew where I was. I was like, told him where I was. But honestly, it made sense. Cause every time I started, it knows where I am. I just never really thought it through. I think what happens in my life.

[C]

Is I think a thought, and then.

[B]

I never check on. Oh, my God.

[A]

This is, like, big tears coming out of.

[B]

I think this is the third time I've cried today.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. This is number three.

[B]

We did a photo shoot where the.

[C]

Lady was like, pretend to do something to Nicole, and I thought she was trying to get something out of my nose. And I was like, oh, what's in there? She's like, I'm pretending. And I was like, I was tricked. And then I started crying because I was embarrassed. And then I'm, like, fully crying. Then we.

[B]

Then we had an interview where she was like, what do you like most about Sasheer? And then I couldn't stop crying because I like you so much.

[C]

I like you, too. Oh, my God. Someone give me an Oscar.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

That's the thing. If I ever have to cry on set, I'll just get someone to ask me a question that I don't really know.

[A]

Yeah. Or, like, if you discover something or get embarrassed or end up in the wrong place or for a lot of reasons.

[C]

Anything. I mean, it's just. Life is so dang hard. Is my makeup dumb?

[A]

No, you look great.

[C]

Okay, thank you.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Do you want to do a quiz, or would you like to ask some. Oh, my God. Would you like to ask the audience? No.

[B]

Do you want the audience. Oh, my God. Do you want them people to talk to us? I have got to take a nap.

[A]

Maybe a small quiz.

[C]

A small one? Can you please?

[A]

Is there a small.

[C]

I got some small quizzes. Most of these are pretty quick.

[A]

What does celeb do?

[C]

Let's take a trip to Costco and see how good we are in bed. What?

[A]

Oh, okay. Silly me. I started to read in order. Okay. Buzzfeed has a quiz called Take a trip to Costco, and we'll tell you how good you are in bed. Okay. Are you there for gross or to eat?

[C]

Oh, baby, you know I'm there to eat.

[A]

Yeah. Options are to eat or Just shopping. Well, I would say to eat as well.

[C]

We love to eat and we got to eat. Oh, great. Okay. How do you feel about the free samples? I fucking love them. What's the answer? Oh, there.

[B]

We love them.

[A]

Great. So that's yours. Let's see. They're mankind's grace invention. They're the main reason for going to Costco. It's all the same to me. I hate them. Who hate them?

[C]

Who hates free food?

[A]

I would say they're the main reason for going to Costco. Okay, Pick a pizza. Pepperoni supreme. Cheese.

[C]

Oh, man.

[A]

Pepperoni.

[C]

For me, the pepperoni one looks better. Like, if I have to eat the one in the picture, but, like, I prefer a cheese pizza. So do I have to eat the one in the picture or do I get to eat what I want to eat?

[A]

We're shopping for fake. This is not for real. So you don't. So you're not gonna actually eat that pizza.

[C]

I know, I know.

[B]

I'm just trying to say I prefer.

[C]

A cheese pizza, but I don't like the way it looks there. So should I pick it based on look or what I personally like?

[B]

Okay, I guess I'll pick the cheese.

[A]

Yeah, that's great. What Costco classic do you crave the most? Chicken bake. Hot dog. Barbecue brisket. You know, I love that hot dog.

[C]

I love a hot dog. I think I'm gonna actually go with the hot dog, too. I love a Costco hot dog.

[A]

They are good.

[C]

Speaking of hot dogs, how do you take yours?

[A]

Oh, my God. This middle picture is very phallic. It's like 3D coming at me.

[C]

With the works.

[A]

Plain. Whatever I. Whatever I feel like at the time, I guess. Well.

[C]

I probably. Whatever you feel like at the time. Yeah, because you switch it up.

[A]

I switch it up. I like to see what my body wants in the moment.

[C]

Mine is definitely plain.

[A]

No condiments at all.

[C]

No. Fuck that.

[A]

No.

[C]

I do not like ketchup on a hot dog. That's disgusting. I do not like mustard on anything disgusting. I do not like relish. That's also fucking chopped up bits of disgusting. What else do you put on a hot doggy? Onions. Get the fuck out of here. Onions, cheese, cheese. Maybe I'll dip, but not on my fucking dog.

[A]

Okay. What else is in it? Oh, bacon. You like bacon?

[C]

What, like crumbled up? On my dog. No. Or wrapped, maybe. Depends on how I'm feeling that day, but for the most part, nah. I like a naked dog.

[A]

All right, Strong opinions.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Which quote unquote healthy Costco fare. Do you prefer sandwich rolls, a salad, Sushi? Well, I wouldn't trust the sushi.

[C]

I would go with a salad because I like the way that looks.

[A]

Yeah, you like iceberg lettuce? Isn't that what that is? Iceberg lettuce?

[C]

I love iceberg lettuce. It's like eating water.

[A]

I would go with a sandwich roll.

[C]

You do, like, a hearty thing. Churros, donuts or cookies? Cookies. Every fucking time.

[A]

Churros.

[C]

Churros are good, but I'm a cookie bitch.

[B]

I love soft serve.

[C]

Oh, my God. Just creeping my pants about the soft serve I was eating backstage earlier. My God, it was so fucking good. It was from John and Vinny's. If you haven't been, go have their soft serve. Yum, yum, yum, yum.

[A]

When we were in Hawaii, we were at a pool that had an ice cream stand, and people kept walking past with ice cream. And Nicole would be in the. She was in the water. She was like, where is it coming from? I was like, ask somebody.

[B]

She's like, I can't figure it out.

[A]

I asked the staff member, and he's like, oh, it's from that stand over there. It closes at 4. And then she, like, hurried out of the water, and we went over to the stand.

[C]

It was 3:40.

[A]

They shouldn't have closed so early. No, they closed too early and 20 minutes. And they were cleaning.

[C]

And that's not the rules they set.

[A]

And you are all about the rules.

[C]

Only when it affects me.

[A]

And they're teens, like, cleaning up the machine. And there's still, like, a bucket with the remnants of the soft serve, I guess. And Nicole's like, can I have that?

[B]

Okay, when you say it out loud, I do sound insane, but what happened at the time? I was like, give me that bucket of slop.

[A]

And this poor teenager was like, I can't. I can't do that.

[C]

Why not? Give me the slop.

[A]

She's like, I'll get in trouble.

[C]

Will you give it to me? I'll give you money. Currency. Give it. And like, this is the counter.

[A]

Your face was, like, so into their space.

[B]

You're like, give me.

[A]

Give me an ice cream.

[B]

And they're like, I can't, ma'. Am.

[A]

And then you just, like, stomped away.

[C]

Stomped two steps away and went, I fucking hate those kids.

[B]

I wanted my fucking saucer.

[C]

And then we got in the hot tub, and I was like, I think I'm over it. Maybe I overreacted. I went in the hot tub.

[A]

Cause I was like, I'm not gonna be a part of this. And then you sat by yourself for a while and then maybe five minutes later you got in the hot tub and you're like, I think I'm over it now.

[C]

I was really angry. You can't promise a bitch soft serve and then not give it to her.

[A]

Yes. They really shouldn't have closed so early.

[C]

No. Also, why not? Gimme the goop. What's wrong again? It sounds wild. Let me lick the bowl.

[B]

Let me in the machine.

[C]

Okay, I'm gonna say vanilla because I'm very plain.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

You don't like cold. Things are going to be hard for you.

[A]

Yeah, I don't want any of the soft serve.

[C]

Okay, I'll take yours. Get vanilla.

[A]

Although I think if I was to get it, I would get strawberry.

[C]

Just give me some vanilla.

[A]

But I think if I was a person who wanted a sausage, I would probably get strawberry.

[C]

Ew. Really? You want goops of fuku? It looks great in your treat.

[A]

All right, I'll give it fruit.

[B]

Eat fruit.

[C]

Stop.

[B]

Stop.

[A]

I'm just trying to get, you know, I'll get vanilla.

[B]

Thank you. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

[C]

Okay, how about a dessert to take home?

[A]

Chocolate pie, Walnut pie? Chocolate covered strawberries.

[C]

Muffins. My mom used to buy the muffins. So I have a real nostalgia for those muffins, especially the chocolate chip ones. Cause they have like little crystals of sugar on them to really make sure you die. So I'm gonna say muffins.

[A]

And I think I would say chocolate covered strawberries.

[C]

Sick. Cause that's what I wanted you to get.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Cause then I got show. You're really living out this shopping trip.

[C]

I love Costco.

[A]

Who's this for?

[C]

This is Nicole's.

[B]

What?

[A]

You're a sex machine.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

No one is left unsatisfied with you.

[C]

Yes. I'll suck your soul.

[A]

Who knows how you do it, but you exceed expectations every time you hit the sack. You clearly have a special talent. I do. And you have to use it. Otherwise you'd be depriving the world of something beautiful. Okay.

[C]

Okay, universe.

[B]

Do you hear it? Send me some dick.

[C]

Let's do yours.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Oh my.

[C]

You're a sex machine too, sasheer.

[B]

Wow. Yeah. Sex machines.

[C]

Yeah. Did you watch the video I sent you of the woman who gave exercises on?

[A]

Oh, no, I still haven't watched it.

[C]

It's pretty funny in a way where I watched all 11 minutes and I don't even Know how I ended up at the video? And then I started reading the comments and everyone was like, I don't know.

[B]

How I ended up at this video.

[C]

I don't know. I was not watching sex stuff on YouTube. But it like gave me her video.

[A]

Maybe she like pay a lot of money to promote it.

[C]

Is that how you.

[A]

I think.

[C]

Is that how that happens?

[A]

I think you can do that.

[C]

Oh, interesting, huh? But truly it was just, it was pretty helpful. What were some of the ways it was just isolating your hips. So she was like, get on the floor, straddle, and then just move your hips up and down. She's like, don't just wiggle on his dick. Cause that's not doing nothing. And I was like, a lot of ladies out here are gonna be sad to hear that. I watch a lot of por. A lot of times I was like.

[B]

Is that good for everybody?

[C]

And then she has you stand up, look in the mirror while wearing something sexy and move your hips. So I did it last night and I think it was good. Nice. Cause I bought that pillow. Have I mentioned on this podcast that I bought that pillow?

[A]

I don't think so.

[C]

Okay, so I bought like a riding pillow to like stick a dildo in and then hop on board and go weeee haw. It's my old town road and still my number one. So the dildo I bought was nine inches, which is someone audibly was like in pain for me. And I'll tell you, ma' am or sir, I don't know who it was. I bruised myself. I rode a little too hard. And truly like right before I came I was like ouch. And it was a very strange. I was like, this was bad. Like I came and I feel good, but bad. I think I bruised my cervix, like for real. So I'm waiting for my smaller dill.

[A]

How big is this one?

[C]

I got eight. And I think that's still wrong because I have an 8 inch and I put that in there and it was was still too big. Wait, so why did he. I forgot I had the 8 inch. So I guess I gotta order a 7 incher. But like I love a big honking cock. So like I think it's just the pillow's too high up. Cause I could take a 9 inch.

[B]

I don't want you to. I didn't say you couldn't take a nine incher any day of the week. Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Thursday, Monday, Sunday, Saturday. Why did you do the week like that? Because I wanted to stun on you that I could say all seven days out of order.

[A]

And that's impressive for me.

[C]

It was. Cause I was like, I think I actually did it.

[A]

I think you did.

[C]

Yeah, I did. Good.

[A]

Great job.

[C]

Yeah. Just now.

[A]

All right, well, I guess you have to order a seven and. Sure, yeah.

[C]

Or maybe a sixer, But I don't want them to think that I can't take more.

[B]

Who's this? Who is they?

[A]

The dildo company. They're like, oh, this bitch and her shallow ass pussy.

[B]

Yes, yes. God forbid some nice person packaging sex.

[C]

Toys was like, ah, she can't take it. I would be devastated.

[A]

Okay, when you were standing in the mirror, gyrating your hips, was it forward, back?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Mm.

[C]

Well, you want me to do it with you? Sure. Well, do you want to do the floor one or the up one? Let's get on the floor.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Okay. So she's like, you have to get into the optimal position, which is like this. You have to spread your legs. And then she was like, don't be on the balls of your feet. Just let your feet go flat. And then she was like, so you wanna move your butt up and then down and then up and then down. Up, down, up, down, up, down.

[B]

Ah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

And then she's like. And that's how you do it. And then. And then she's like, you can like lift up and then up, down, just like, you get like the head of it. And then she.

[A]

Whoa, that's like a lot of thy work.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

That's why she's like, do the exercises. She was like, it's not to get fit. It's to fucking please this man. And then she kept talking about her yoni and I was like, she trying to talk about my pussy. Like, I was a little confused about that, but it's been pretty helpful.

[A]

That's awesome.

[C]

My pillow has no complaints.

[A]

I was reading a book about witches because of course. And there was. They were talking about this company who makes yoni eggs. Those little crystals that you could put in your to work the kegel muscles. They also make these crystal dildos that some are like just long sticks and some are like dick shaped and you masturbate with them. Isn't that cool? I realized as I was saying, I was like, I guess there's no into this. It's just this is what I saw online. Well, I saw it in the book and then I looked up the company and I was like, this company looks awesome, but the dildos are like 200 or something like that. They're like, expensive. So, you know, if you're listening, you.

[C]

Could sponsor this podcast. You trying to get some crystal sticker? I wanted to purchase it.

[A]

I want to try it.

[C]

All the reviews will.

[A]

You look great.

[C]

Scared. What if there's a sharp edge?

[A]

I don't think they would sell it to you if there was a sharp edge.

[C]

I mean, what's the quality control like? I'm not trying.

[A]

It's been a company for a while, so I think.

[C]

I'm not trying to shove a crystal at my pussy and then pull out my fucking pussy.

[A]

It's not like. It's not like a crystal you'd buy at a crystal shop where it's, like, jagged.

[C]

Oh, smooth. It's smooth. Okay.

[A]

They've crafted it. They've, like.

[C]

Welded it.

[A]

I don't know, done something.

[C]

I have no idea. If I was hooking up with a girl and she pulled out fucking crystal dildo, I'd be like, you're a wizard, Harry. Like, I would. I'd be like, what? What if you have a crystal? We gonna cast some spells. Like, what is this? Why is that weirder than anything else? No, I'm saying I'd be into it. I'd really enjoy it.

[A]

Oh, okay. It sounded like Roaster first, but then I'd be like. But then you'd fuck her.

[C]

You'd be like, stick it in me. I'm here. Waste not, want not until I'm horny. I would use a crystal. Honestly, I would shove anything in me. Let's get real. That sounds bad. I wouldn't put a potato in me. There we go. I'm glad we found the one thing.

[A]

The one thing.

[C]

Well, now we're at 51 minutes. We should definitely do audience questions.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

How does this work again? Oh, Kimmy. Kimmy leaves the keys.

[A]

Kimmy leaves the keys.

[C]

Kimmy, I forgot to say that I like your shirt. It's really cute.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And for those people listening, it's a white shirt with fluttery sleeves or she got some cactuses and flowers.

[A]

So, yeah, you ask us whatever you want. It could be about friendship, our friendship, your friendship.

[C]

If you have a crystal dildo and.

[A]

You want to share, give me a review.

[C]

Yeah, let us know. Hi.

[A]

Hi.

[C]

Tell us your name, your age and where you're from.

[A]

I'm Susan. I'm from Toronto, but I live in LA now. I have a question about friendship. So my best friend who's visiting LA right now, he lives in a different city, and I'm wondering how you maintain a long distance Friendship. It's hard. We had to do that for a few years because she lived here and I lived in New York.

[C]

We talked almost every night. Yeah. Yeah. I would say that we did not text a lot during the day, I don't think, unless it was like, a meme or a picture or something. But I think we saved most of our chatter to hear each other's voices, which I always thought was nice. Yeah. And then we're both up late, but then you get up so early. How do you do it?

[A]

So I don't think I get up that early.

[C]

So early.

[A]

Like 11am yes.

[C]

That early. It's before noon. So early. Yeah. I think that was helpful talking on the phone.

[A]

We also just traveled a lot. You came to New York a lot?

[C]

Oh, yeah. The first two years I was out here, I was in New York like, every other week. So I saw you. It was like, I didn't leave. It was like I was on vacation a lot.

[A]

But we also did vacation on two gethers in other places. So, like, we would find reasons to, like, go to a city together, or if we happen to be in the same area.

[C]

Same city.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. So do that.

[C]

Yeah. Meet each other in the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get over there, Kimmy. Or you get over there. You get over to Kimmy.

[D]

Hi. I'm sorry. I'm erin, Kim's father, 24. I live in LA, so I've been working with my therapist on setting boundaries, and that's something I'm not good at doing. And I appreciate your friendship because you guys seem to communicate a lot, and it looks like you're really good at setting boundaries. I don't know you like that, so maybe you're not, but.

[B]

You seem like you are.

[D]

And I find that with a lot of previous friendships where the friendship's already established, it's a lot harder for me to set those because I feel like. Like, I've lost a lot of friends that way. So do you have any advice on, like, how to set boundaries, especially in friendships that are already, like, established?

[A]

Do you say you've lost friends from setting boundaries or from not setting boundaries?

[D]

From kind of both. So, like, if I set a boundary and then they're like, well, this is different than the dynamic has been, and I don't like that. And then there have been ones where I don't set boundaries, and then, like, resentment builds within me of, like, why are you doing this thing that I hate that I didn't tell you that I hated?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So, yeah, if you have any Advice?

[A]

I'd like that. That's a great question.

[C]

We have boundaries. I think I'm always testing those boundaries. No, I had one boundary where I was like, you can't see my titties and I won't see yours.

[B]

Which is pretty arbitrary, but it was.

[C]

A pretty hard boundary.

[A]

Yeah. We would share a lot of hotel rooms.

[B]

Cross. I saw them titties in Hawaii. But I.

[C]

Let's see, what are actual boundaries? Oh, well, I think, like, there's been times where I'm like, here's why I won't do X, Y and Z. Can you please respect that? And you go, yes. Okay. I think, ah, man, this is tough because it kind of sucks that your friends haven't been respectful to the boundaries that you've set. But I think that might mean that they're not your friends if they don't want to adapt to who you're becoming. So if they're not on board for the ride, then, you know, Leave them at the gas station.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leave them at the gas station. That's a really good answer.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. I don't think I have anything to add.

[C]

Oh, okay. Did you like my titties? You never said yes and you never said no. You just said, I saw him. And then you never commented. You never said anything good or bad.

[A]

You have great titties.

[B]

I don't have stinky titties.

[A]

You don't have stinky titties?

[C]

No.

[A]

I didn't want to talk about them more because I knew it was a surprise. We were in a locker room and she was like, can you do me a favor? And I was like, yes. And I walked around the corner and Was she. What the favor was is that she wanted me to put her bra in my bag and she was gonna reach her arm out and then I would grab it, but I didn't know that. So I walked in and fully was in front of her titties, and I just calmly took the bra and walked away. And then later she was like, you saw my titties? But I didn't wanna talk about it more and be like, your titties are great or not, because I didn't want you to.

[C]

They're not.

[A]

No, no. I didn't wanna say anything because I just didn't want you to freak out like this.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

They're great.

[B]

They're great. They're good things. They're great titties. Thank you. Oh, boy.

[C]

And I asked to see yours today and you wouldn't show. Me?

[A]

Yeah. Because I got what I wanted.

[B]

And that's what you said earlier. I said, please come in the bathroom with me. Show me your titties.

[C]

Everyone at this shoot we were on must have thought we were in insane. Uhhuh. What? Did I say that? Oh, I was trying to figure out what that kid said from the Sixth Sense. Oh, yes, yes.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You were like, what's that kid say.

[B]

From the Sixth Sense? I see ghosts everywhere.

[C]

And everyone truly was like, what? And this is your way.

[B]

Don't tell her.

[C]

I just wanted you to live the.

[B]

Rest of your life thinking that that voice said, I see ghosts everywhere.

[C]

And I did it in the voice too.

[A]

Oh, man.

[C]

I see ghosts everywhere. But now I know it's.

[B]

I see dead people.

[A]

It's like. It's like such a favorite psychic mouth. Oh, boy.

[C]

Is there another question?

[A]

Oh, you. Wait, you wanna go to the back?

[C]

Yeah, let's get in the back.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Well, I'd show either of you my titties anytime.

[C]

Mahalo.

[E]

And, Nicole, I'm a big fan. I have major lady boner for you. But moving on, I have appreciated in this podcast. Just, I think it's beautiful, like, the positivity it brings to female friendship. And I've loved when you guys have interviewed a couple of friends about, like, what do you admire about each other? So I want to know. Not that you haven't mentioned things that you guys like about each other, but my question is if you could just tell us, like, it doesn't have to be even. I don't want too much pressure here. So, like, not the thing necessarily you most admire about each other, but just.

[C]

I love this. You were like, I have a microphone, and I will take my time. I reclaim my time.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[C]

I reclaim my. What is a thing that you each.

[E]

Admire about each other?

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

I love you.

[A]

Let's see your titties.

[C]

Thank you. This means a lot to me. And I think my favorite thing about you is you often know what I need, because truly, I really need it. They're really not bad. No, they're not bad.

[A]

You thought they were bad?

[C]

Well, no one's ever said outright they're bad, but, like, who would say that? A monster.

[A]

I think titties in general are good. I don't know if there are bad titties.

[C]

I think they are.

[A]

What would a bad titty be comprised of?

[C]

Kimmy was on the keys. Cause I'd ask her to look up bad titties. She's running back. So wait, I'm Googling bad titties, I guess. Please. Yeah, bad titties. And I want to see if a pair that look like mine show up. Is the audience ready?

[A]

Well, like what?

[C]

I don't know. We'll see what the Google tells us. Scary.

[A]

Bad titties. Ever heard of bad titties?

[B]

See, there's a whole Reddit forum.

[A]

Ever heard of bad titties? All right, well, let's see what Reddit has to say about this. Oh, wait. Oh, I don't know. Oh, it's like a clip. I don't know.

[C]

Okay, can you go back and just go to the Google images and see if we can.

[A]

Okay, so it's man boobs. Man boobs. Girl getting cut her boobs. Oh, that's a back. That's someone's back. A lot of porn.

[C]

Yeah, so.

[A]

Oh, this one has a cross. Oh, my God. Not that.

[C]

So I guess there is no such thing as bad. Wait, wait, do it again.

[A]

I'm gonna stand in front of that one.

[C]

Wait, which one?

[A]

Wait, I didn't say this. This, this. She has one nipple down here and one up here.

[C]

Her. There's a slight.

[A]

They're like, kind of cockeyed.

[C]

They're like googly eyes.

[A]

They're googly eyes, but I would say they're bad titties.

[C]

Wait, what are you covering?

[B]

Everyone close your eyes.

[C]

I want to.

[B]

Oh, oh, oh.

[C]

What, an explicit thing to share with a bunch of strangers.

[A]

Yeah, we should get rid of the. This page.

[C]

Yes, bad. I'm not great at asking Googling things because I. What is the clit thing I asked to Google?

[A]

Oh, big old clit.

[C]

Yeah, that's bad, too.

[A]

That's bad.

[C]

So bad titties, big old clit. These are things you should never Google. Should we do one more? No, we shouldn't. Kimmy's back up here. I mean, I can go or. We have voicemails. Oh, sick. Let's do a voicemail.

[A]

Voicemail. Give me a sec.

[C]

All right, sorry, guys.

[A]

I still don't even think those titties were that bad.

[C]

I didn't think any of those titties were bad. Yeah, so I guess you're right. There are no bad titties. Yeah, come on, let me see yours. On, come on, come on. Like on the way home, just whip. Just flop one out.

[A]

Wait, have you not seen them?

[C]

I've never seen your titties. Usually when you just robe, I close my eyes and scream.

[A]

Well, that's your own damn fault.

[C]

It's really funny for me. Okay, ready?

[F]

And my question for you is. About making friends. And I've listened to your past episodes about taking classes and doing things that you like, and then it'll come naturally. My issue that I'm running into is I do take classes and I do go out. And it seems like that when I do, I give off this flirty personality. And then people think that I'm trying to date them or they want to hit on me or they ask me out for something more. And then when I say, oh, I just want to. I'm just looking for some friendship. I want to respect their feelings of, oh, I'm looking to date someone. But it's happening a lot. And if you could give some advice on how to friend zone people prior to them trying to ask you out, that would be great. I hope you two are having a lovely day, and I look forward to hearing from you.

[B]

Thanks.

[C]

So this nice woman is complaining about men wanting to be with her. So she said, I'm a calling to this show and I'mma hurt a girl's feelings. And hopefully when she hears it, it'll be in front of a bunch of people and she'll struggle to hear me because the reception's a little off. But I'm gonna say I'm cute, fun, and flirty. And me. And me. I shouldn't make fun of her, but I will not answer her. I guess I could.

[A]

Well, I wouldn't know what this is like. Cause I guess the energy I give off is that I scream. So no one's getting a flirty vibe over here.

[C]

Yeah, but Deeds hit on you all the time.

[A]

Time.

[C]

All the time.

[A]

All the time.

[C]

I see it happening daily.

[A]

No, definitely not daily.

[C]

Every single day.

[A]

It happened today.

[C]

We were not around men.

[A]

Did it happen once in Hawaii?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

When?

[C]

No, I guess not.

[A]

Don't.

[C]

But we were. We were around a bunch of families. These are bad examples.

[A]

Did it happen last week?

[C]

Yeah, I don't think. I don't.

[A]

I don't know where this perception came from. I don't think people are hitting on me as much as you think they are.

[B]

They.

[A]

One time.

[B]

I can't. I'm on the spot. It's really too much pressure.

[C]

If anything, men flirt with you in.

[A]

Front of me and make me feel bad about myself.

[C]

That's fun. That happens pretty infrequently too. But that's how I know if a man actually likes me. If you're dead to him.

[A]

We were doing a show and this guy came backstage to maybe bum a cigarette from you or something, and he, like, I was fully Talking to you on the couch. And he just, like, boxed me out and was like, hey, Nicole, what's going on? You wanna talk? And I was like, hello, I'm here too.

[C]

And then on his way out, you.

[B]

Were like, all right, bye.

[C]

And then he went, bye, Nicole. I still maintain I could probably get him to leave his wife for me if I tried, but okay. Do you remember when there was a dude who we met his wife, and the wife was like, hi, I'm so and so's wife. And I was like, whoa. It was like a scene out of a fucking movie. She was like, he's mentioned you a lot. And I was like, well, damn. So that happened that one time.

[A]

That's actually happened a bunch where Proving my genka. But with men who are already taken, not with single men. This is like, some guy is really excited about me, talks about me to their significant other, and then I meet that person and they're like, hi, I've heard a lot about you. And I'm like, I'm sorry.

[C]

That happened to me. One time in my whole life, I had a trainer who I loved. And, like, not like sex love, but he was great and I really enjoyed him and we had a great time. And I met his girlfriend because he came to a show I was doing, and he went to the bathroom, and Shirley was just like, okay, so we're gonna just talk. What the fuck do you do with my boyfriend? He's always coming home being like, ha, ha, ha.

[B]

And happy. And I was like, we're just working out. Nothing.

[C]

I don't know. And he came back from the bathroom, and she was like, getting to know Nicole.

[B]

And I was like, ah, Whoa.

[C]

I was like, this woman is a sociopath.

[A]

That's crazy.

[C]

And then she ended up. She was cheating on him. That's why she was acting like that.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

So then they broke up, and I was like, you are better off without her. And he was so sad. And then they got back together, and I was like, you're being stupid. But then they broke up again, and then Trump won. And then he was like, y' all are crazy. I'm going back to Sweden or Switzerland or Norway or Amsterdam, Holland, Scotland. That's where he was from. Yeah, I was just taking a tour around Europe.

[A]

You got there?

[C]

I did. It took me a minute.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I think their national animal's a unicorn. Scotland in that wild.

[A]

That's true.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

They're fun.

[A]

That is fun.

[C]

Men wear kilts and they're fucking animals. Not real. I like it.

[A]

I think in Iceland they believe in elves.

[C]

Elves? What?

[A]

There's like there. When I went there, they're like all these books about real elves.

[C]

And what it's like that they're.

[A]

You could. You could find an elf.

[C]

What? In.

[A]

In the wild.

[C]

What?

[A]

And I don't know, they have like, magic properties and.

[C]

What. It's just like what to do when.

[A]

You find an elf.

[B]

What.

[C]

What does it. What is it? What is an elf? So some help Santa, some make the Keebler treats.

[A]

We eat Summer. Will Ferrell.

[B]

What?

[A]

Oh, that was crazy. You just talked about cookies and shit.

[C]

Yeah, you're right. Okay, so there's only three types of elves. What?

[B]

We just. Well, what other elves are there?

[C]

I don't know. They're an elder.

[A]

Iceland.

[C]

Let's go back to where you said my titties were nice.

[A]

You're nice.

[C]

Thank you. I think we come to the end.

[A]

Yeah, that feels good.

[C]

Yeah. So see you later. See you. What's the song that they sing at the end of Barney? I love you, do love me. These are my friends.

[B]

Where are you?

[C]

A happy family with a great big.

[B]

Hug and a kiss from me to you Someone went.

[C]

Someone went flat. That was really sweet.

[A]

Well, great. Thank you for coming.

[B]

We love you.