"Bravery is a subjective virtue measured by how much insecurity, vulnerability, and resistance have been overcome when you’re afraid." -Mark Matousek

I keep a journal.

One of my favorite things about journaling is looking back on the same day from other years. Some days there are no entries. Today, there were 17. One jumped out.

I'm in NYC.

Mixed emotions.

I'm a little tight. Not sure why.

But I just read something that struck me.

We all have a natural desire to:

* Believe we're in control of our time. To operate with free will.

* Be intelligent. Even if only in our way.

* Be good

(Those are from Robert Greene)

Anything that challenges those beliefs makes us feel trapped, foolish, or morally wrong. That hurts. It creates frustration, sadness, maybe even shame.

That was two years ago. As I write this, I'm not in NYC. Lots of other things have changed. Kids went to college, jobs changed, and a few other things too—some painful, some joyful. I think I'm better than I was that day. At least a little more clear-eyed. And those filters still feel relevant. Still helpful.

Time

When I protect my time for what matters most, I’m better. Happier. And so are the people around me. I can’t control it all, but I need to control what I can.

If I am not intentional with my time, someone else will be. The cost is real. Doing the wrong things, missing what matters, or showing up without the energy to make it count.

Sometimes it means another meeting. Sometimes it means solitude. Or showing up fully at family dinner. I have a strong drive to keep charging, but I’ve learned I also need to stop and recharge.

I don't have all the answers. But I know this: saying yes to everything does not work. We need to normalize saying no if we want to use this resource well.

Intelligence

You might be book smart, emotionally intelligent, or my personal favorite, high in CQ, Courage Intelligence. Maybe, if you’re one of the fortunate, you’re graced with all three.

Some people worry about being smart. I know I have. I still do sometimes. But I think most of the world is working to avoid looking foolish.

The ability to look foolish to learn is a superpower.

It's a trade. You give up the arrogance that you might know everything, and in exchange for the humility that you probably don't know much at all.

When we shift from trying to have all the answers to simply trying to find the right one, that is probably the most productive place we can be.

Goodness

This one hits for me. Most of us want to be seen as good, but what we really want is to be accepted. Even to be loved. This is where we give people the most power. Our actions or inaction are viewed through their lens, their mood, and all the other complexities that come with being human. Our fears, stories, and expectations get tangled up with theirs.

Am I a good friend? A good partner? A good leader? A good person?

“Fail” at this, and it pushes on identity. When that sense of goodness feels shaken, it’s worth asking more questions.

Did I actually do something wrong? Am I being misunderstood?

Or is the other person dealing with something of their own, and this isn’t really about me? More often than not, that’s the case.

What I’ve found is that when do I get it wrong, it’s rarely about intent. It’s about impact. I meant well. It didn’t land well. That can be painful. But it’s rarely permanent.

Being wrong or making a mistake doesn’t mean you’re not loved. Or even liked. It doesn’t mean you’re not good. It just means there’s work to do.

When I feel off-center, I'm trying to slow down and ask better questions.

* What's going on with my time?

* Am I chasing someone else’s approval?

* Am I letting their reaction shape how I see myself?

Most of the time, they’re just working through their own stuff.

We all are.

Take care. Be good.

—KellyMore on Courage Intelligence (CQ):

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