Podcast Summary: Beyond Blind Blaming

Episode: Asking Better Questions to Negotiate Anything | Alex Carter

Host: Kevin D. St.Clergy
Guest: Alex Carter (Negotiation Expert, Columbia Law Professor, Author)
Date: February 17, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode of Beyond Blind Blaming explores the hidden psychological patterns and mindset blocks that often sabotage our ability to negotiate effectively—both with others and ourselves. Host Kevin D. St.Clergy sits down with Alex Carter, a noted negotiation expert and author, to discuss why the most important negotiations start internally, and how self-awareness, curiosity, and the right questions can transform not just deals, but relationships and personal growth. Carter shares stories from her work with the UN, Fortune 500s, and everyday professionals, offering listeners a toolkit for negotiation as a daily, collaborative, life-enhancing practice.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Negotiation Begins with the Self

• Negotiation is Daily, Not Occasional

  • It's not just for boardrooms—negotiation is “how we communicate, advocate and take responsibility for creating change.” (00:16, B)
  • “Everything starts with you. The first person and the most important person you have to negotiate with is yourself.” (00:00, A, repeated at 04:55)

• Facing Personal Mindset Blocks

  • Even credentialed, educated people “have what I call a negotiation one car accident—they were getting in their own way before they even sat down.” (04:55, A)
  • Alex’s own journey: “For others I was the fearless junkyard dog negotiator...when it came to me, I found myself hesitating.” (02:31, A)

• Purposeful Self-Reflection

  • “We can't grapple with somebody else's version of a story...until we have really drill[ed] down on our own.” (05:05, A)
  • The practice is about being in integrity with what makes you great rather than copying standard models. (03:45, A)

2. The Mirror and Window: Better Questions, Better Results

• The “Mirror” Questions (Self-Orientation)

  • Begin negotiations by asking yourself open, diagnostic questions (the “mirror”) to clarify needs, feelings, and goals.
  • Avoid “why” questions: “Social work research shows [‘why’] is a blaming question...it makes us feel bad...and then we try to deflect that onto somebody else.” (11:52, A)

• The “Window” Questions (Other-Orientation)

  • Shift from “blaming” or “closed” questions (“Why didn't you...?”, “Did you...?”) to “magic open questions.” (06:40, A)
    • Openers:
      • “What have you been feeling recently?”
      • “How does this season feel different...?”
      • “Tell me more about your experience...” (08:17, A)
  • Open questions “open up an entire world of possibility...generate more trust.” (09:35, A)
  • Avoid “who's the decision maker”; instead, “Tell me about your decision-making process...” for much richer, actionable answers. (09:54, B and 10:11, A)

3. The Role of Blame: Hidden Barriers and Loops

• Blame Blocks Information Gathering

  • “Blame is a way that human beings seek comfort...a way of preserving psychological comfort by trying to toss a hot potato in somebody else's direction.” (10:55, A)
  • Blame is “deeply, deeply incurious” and prevents problem-solving.
  • In mediation, blame spirals lead to stalled negotiations—“Nobody is solving anything, nobody's learning, nobody is growing. You are stuck.” (13:50, A)

• The Importance of Curiosity

  • Reframe situations from blame to diagnosis:
    • Bad: “Why can’t you...?”
    • Productive: “What’s feeling hard about this?” “What support might help you?” (12:56, A)
  • “Blame stands in direct contrast to curiosity...and to diagnosis.” (11:33, A)

4. The Power of Open-Ended Questions

• Research-Backed Outcomes:
  • “People who ask open-ended questions at the beginning of their negotiations make more money and have better relationships, full stop.” (15:35, A)
• Memorable Advice:
  • “Stop telling and start asking.” (15:45, B)

5. Working Through Fear, Failure, and Rejection

• Case Example: Slashing Prices After Rejection
  • Entrepreneur slashes prices after three rejections, leading to overwhelm, wrong-fit clients, and resentfulness. The actual issue: the sales process, not price. (17:22–19:40, A)
  • “Fear...gave way to...blind blaming myself and my prices.” (17:52, A)
• Lesson: Test and diagnose before self-assigning blame or changing strategy. (20:02–20:54, B/A)

6. Reframing Adversarial Negotiation: Partnership, Not Battle

• “Most of the time, both people can win. Truly.” (25:07, A)
• Personal Story: Alex’s daughter swimming a mile with a disability, focusing on her own race—not others'. “You can win in the process of moving closer to your goal, no matter what anyone else in the pool is doing.” (25:27–27:06, A)
• Key Habit: “Seek first to understand.” (24:26, B)

7. Building Long-Term Relationships & Success

• Beyond Sales:
  • “Sales is problem solving, sales is service. Sales to me is a great conversation where I'm getting to know someone.” (30:41, A)
• Negotiation as Steering:
  • Inspired by a kayak lesson: negotiation is “steering relationships, ourselves, companies...This is a partnership. This is not a battle.” (33:09, A)
• Impact & Legacy:
  • “Great people with great values, we do great work together, and we also have really satisfying relationships that frankly make it all worthwhile.” (28:27, A; 29:21, B)

8. Investing in Yourself

• Alex’s Growth Habit:
  • “I take a walk...there’s something about getting out and taking a walk in nature that solves it all. Anytime I feel stuck or need a refresher, I go outside...I walk through my problems.” (34:10, A)
• Self-Relationship is Foundational:
  • “I'm only able to invest in other people...as well as I've been fostering the relationship with myself.” (29:30, A)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Everything starts with you. The first person and the most important person you have to negotiate with is yourself.” – Alex Carter [00:00, repeated at 04:55]
• “Blame is a way of preserving psychological comfort by trying to toss a hot potato in somebody else's direction. But blame is also deeply, deeply incurious.” – Alex Carter [10:55]
• “The more I approach negotiation as simply steering, like steering a kayak, the less I was gearing up for battle and moving into blame mode.” – Alex Carter [33:09]
• “Stop telling and start asking.” – Kevin St.Clergy [15:45]
• “Open questions open up an entire world of possibility. They give you more information, which helps you make better deals, and they generate more trust along the way.” – Alex Carter [09:35]
• “You can win in the process of moving closer to your goal, no matter what anyone else in the pool is doing.” – Alex Carter [27:06]
• “Most of the time, both people can win. Truly.” – Alex Carter [25:07]
• “I'm only able to invest in other people and foster those relationships as well as I've been fostering the relationship with myself. It all starts in the mirror.” – Alex Carter [29:30]
• “Sales is not a four-letter word. It is five.” – Kevin St.Clergy [30:23]
• “Sales is problem solving, sales is service.” – Alex Carter [30:41]

Key Timestamps

• 00:00 – Negotiation starts with yourself
• 02:31 – Alex’s own negotiation story and internal resistance
• 04:55 – The importance of self-reflection before negotiating
• 06:40 – The difference between closed, blaming, and open questions
• 10:55 – How blame derails negotiation and connection
• 15:45 – “Stop telling and start asking”
• 17:22 – Fear and avoidance; story of the entrepreneur’s pricing trap
• 21:31 – Shifting blame from others to policy/system; true breakthrough stories
• 25:27 – Alex’s daughter’s swimming story; redefining “winning” in negotiation
• 29:30 – Importance of building relationships, externally and with oneself
• 34:10 – Walks in nature as Alex’s key practice for clarity and self-investment
• 33:09 – Negotiation is steering, not battle: the kayak metaphor

Episode Takeaways

• Successful negotiation is less about tactics and more about understanding yourself, asking open and genuine questions, and approaching every interaction as a collaborative opportunity.
• Blame—toward self or others—stalls growth, closes doors, and keeps us looping in unproductive cycles.
• The key to breakthrough is curiosity—both internally and externally—by asking “what” and “how” rather than “why.”
• Long-term success and satisfaction hinge not on closing a single deal, but on investing in authentic relationships, starting with yourself.
• Movement (literally—like taking a walk) and self-reflection are powerful tools for resetting state and accessing your best self as a negotiator, leader, and partner.