Podcast Summary: Beyond Blind Blaming – “Unlearning Silence: Conversations That Transform Confidence” with Elaine Lin Hering

Host: Kevin D. St.Clergy (YAP Media)
Guest: Elaine Lin Hering
Date: November 18, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of Beyond Blind Blaming explores the hidden role of silence—how it’s learned, rewarded, and internalized—and how it stifles confidence, communication, and progress, especially for high-achievers. Host Kevin D. St.Clergy is joined by Elaine Lin Hering, a renowned author, facilitator, and former Harvard Law School lecturer, to discuss her book, Unlearning Silence. They examine how misdiagnosed “internal” problems like imposter syndrome are often rooted in external “imposter treatment,” learned behaviors, and the mistaken conflation of personal and organizational values. The conversation is filled with actionable strategies for leaders and individuals seeking agency, healthy communication, and a culture where every voice matters.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Rethinking “The Problem”: Silence Over Self-Doubt

• Misdiagnosing personal challenges:
  Elaine frames the core challenge not as a lack of confidence or imposter syndrome but as a culture and habit of “learned silence.”

  “What if it’s not imposter syndrome? It’s imposter treatment.” —Elaine (00:17, 15:31)

• Silence as an invisible barrier:
  Both discuss how cultural, familial, and workplace dynamics reward silence, causing individuals—especially those from marginalized backgrounds—to internalize self-doubt and blame.

2. Origins & Impact of Learned Silence

• Background and personal story:
  Elaine shares how her own upbringing as the youngest daughter in an immigrant Taiwanese-American family shaped her beliefs about when to speak or stay quiet (10:36).

  “I was expected to smile, keep quiet, and look pretty. Right? Kids are supposed to be seen and not heard.” —Elaine (11:47)

• Workplace dynamics reinforce silence:
  Many organizations (and leaders) prefer employees who remain silent, but this has long-term costs such as groupthink and missed opportunities:

  “You can click out of the meeting because no one has questions. But the costs of silence are revealed on a different timescale than the cost of speaking up.” —Elaine (13:11)

3. Breaking the Blind Blaming Loop

• Changing the question:
  Elaine argues we’re often asking the wrong thing (“How do I get more confidence?”) and ignoring root causes (“What role does silence play in my life and leadership?”).

• Blame loop and cognitive biases:
  Kevin and Elaine discuss how blame and defensiveness quickly trap teams in unproductive cycles, missing multiple possible intervention points (15:13, 15:22).

4. The Relationship Between Voice and Agency

• Voice as more than speaking up:
  Elaine expands “finding your voice” to mean living out values, making choices, and moving authentically through the world—not just speaking in meetings (21:48).

  “By ‘voice,’ I don’t mean just the words … Voice is how you move through the world.”—Elaine (21:48)

• Clarifying values:
  Many people confuse company values for their own and lose their sense of agency:

  “If you’re just ingesting someone else’s values … you are forgetting that you actually have a voice, which is one of the really sneaky things about silence.” —Elaine (19:53, 20:57)

5. Practical Tools for Communication, Feedback & Conflict

• Preparing for difficult conversations:
  Scripting doesn’t work; instead, be genuinely curious:

  “Our perspectives are legitimate and limited, just as anyone else’s perspective is legitimate and limited.” —Elaine (06:27)

• Favorite questions:

  • “What am I missing?” (09:42)
  • “Are you okay?” (08:17)
  • “Is there something else going on here?” (09:42)

• Giving effective feedback:

  • Give timely, actionable input (32:13).
  • State both what worked well and what could be improved (“What would make it better?”).
  • Discuss feedback preferences during onboarding.

• Recognizing different communication styles:

  • Real-time vs. post-processors: Some people need time to reflect before sharing ideas. Accommodating this avoids unintentional silencing (37:56).

6. Challenging “Imposter Syndrome” with Systemic Insight

• Imposter treatment, not just imposter syndrome:
  For those with subordinated identities, self-doubt (labeled as imposter syndrome) may actually stem from how they’re treated, “othered,” or left out.

  “If you carry a subordinated identity, you’re more likely to be doubted, more likely to be othered, and more likely to be left out.” —Elaine (24:05)

• Othering explained:

  “Being othered means you’re not part of the cool kids club.” —Elaine (26:08)

7. Strategies for Disagreement Without Damaging Relationships

• Key phrases:
  • “From where I sit … what does it look like from where you sit?” (30:05)
  • “I see it differently.” (41:15)
• Bake disagreement into process:
  Use agenda items to ensure pros and cons are always discussed; guard against “toxic positivity”—only focusing on the good (42:49).

8. The Costs of Avoiding Conflict and the Power of Agency

• Toxic positivity:
  Pretending everything is fine erodes trust.

  “That cognitive dissonance, meaning what I’m experiencing does not map with what you’re saying, actually erodes trust.” —Elaine (43:01)

• Healthy boundaries and shared responsibility:
  Knowing what is yours to own vs. what’s not, and not trying to do someone else’s internal work.

9. Investing in Yourself & Ongoing Growth

• Elaine’s method:
  She prefers books as the “best self-directed deep learning that money can buy” (45:33).
• Active reading and reflection:
  Kevin journaling and scheduling time to review insights—practices he shares with listeners (46:58).

10. Final Thoughts

• Questioning the role of silence every day:

  “Whether or not we're aware of it, silence has some relationship to how we're living and leading right now, and that it doesn’t have to be a static relationship.” —Elaine (47:27)

• Unexpected audience:
  Spouses recognizing silence in family relationships, not just at work (48:19).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On misdiagnosis:

  “The premise of Unlearning Silence is that we’ve misdiagnosed the situation. … Actually, it may not be about you.” —Elaine (27:06)

• On corporate vs. personal values:

  “Do not take them as synonymous, because if you’re just ingesting someone else’s values, you’re not living from a place of agency yourself.” —Elaine (19:52)

• On toxic positivity:

  “It’s a tough time. We don’t have all the answers and we’re going to figure it out.” —Elaine (43:01)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Imposter treatment vs. imposter syndrome: 00:17, 15:31, 24:05
• Learned silence and upbringing: 10:36, 11:47
• Leadership and the cost of silence: 13:11, 17:36
• Giving/Receiving feedback and onboarding communication: 32:13, 35:42, 37:56
• Practical tools for disagreement: 30:05, 41:15, 42:49
• Defining 'voice' and agency: 21:48, 19:52
• Investing in personal growth: 45:33, 46:58
• Role of silence in life/leadership: 47:27

Closing Remarks and Contact

Elaine encourages everyone to reflect on how silence operates in their own lives and relationships and invites curious listeners to connect with her via LinkedIn or check out her book Unlearning Silence (47:27).

For New Listeners

This episode is essential for anyone interested in developing true confidence, building resilient teams, and leading (or living) with agency. It offers a paradigm shift: before you seek to “fix yourself,” get curious about how silence is rewarded, reinforced, and internalized—and discover practical ways to reclaim your voice with purpose and power.