BERT KREISCHER TALKS FOR 1 HOUR AND 8 MINUTES STRAIGHT - BFFs S2 Ep 11

Summary

Podcast Summary: BFFs with Josh Richards and Brianna Chickenfry – Episode: "BERT KREISCHER TALKS FOR 1 HOUR AND 8 MINUTES STRAIGHT - BFFs S2 Ep 11"

Release Date: March 20, 2025

Hosts and Guests:

• Josh Richards: Co-host of BFFs
• Brianna Chickenfry: Co-host of BFFs
• Bert Kreischer: Stand-up comedian and guest
• Dave Portnoy: Barstool Sports founder and guest

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1. Opening Remarks and Banter (00:00 - 00:50)

The episode kicks off with a playful exchange among Bert Kreischer, Dave Portnoy, and Josh Richards. Bert introduces the episode with his characteristic humor, sharing quick anecdotes and jokes that set a lighthearted tone for the discussion.

Bert Kreischer (00:08): "All you have to do is agree to something that you would never do."

2. Discussions on Personal Relationships and Fame (00:51 - 03:43)

Bert delves into his experiences with fame, discussing the challenges it brings, including misrepresentation and internet drama. He contrasts his own late rise to fame at age 44 with the constant scrutiny faced by younger public figures.

Bert Kreischer (03:09): "There's so much to it that... there's so much to unpack."

Bert shares a personal story about his marriage and the complexities of maintaining relationships under the public eye, emphasizing the importance of silent support versus public confrontation.

3. Navigating Internet Drama and Personal Integrity (03:44 - 08:30)

The conversation shifts to handling internet drama and the pressures of speaking out. Bert expresses frustration over being misrepresented and discusses the difficulties of maintaining personal integrity while dealing with public backlash.

Bert Kreischer (03:43): "It sucks because you get misrepresented... People are gonna hate your guts for unfair reasons."

Dave Portnoy and Bert debate the merits of staying silent versus addressing controversies head-on, with Bert advocating for taking the money and avoiding unnecessary conflict.

4. Exploring TikTok and Social Media Trends (08:07 - 12:00)

The hosts explore various TikTok trends, including quirky interests like "quicksand porn." Bert humorously critiques the absurdity of certain online niches, highlighting his challenges in understanding and relating to them.

Bert Kreischer (09:18): "I just saw her video today and I didn't know what I was watching."

The discussion underscores the bizarre and often inexplicable nature of internet trends, with Bert and the team sharing laughs over the most outlandish content.

5. Personal Anecdotes and Storytelling (12:00 - 27:51)

Bert shares a series of personal stories from his youth, including mishaps with friends, unconventional experiences, and humorous encounters with various individuals. These anecdotes provide deeper insights into Bert's character and his approach to life and comedy.

Bert Kreischer (26:38): "We had a house with a teacher who got caught selling cocaine to football players..."

These stories are interspersed with lively interactions among the hosts, showcasing their camaraderie and rapport.

6. Couples Therapy and Personal Growth (27:52 - 55:31)

The conversation turns introspective as Bert discusses his experiences with couples therapy. He shares the struggles and breakthroughs he and his wife, Brianna, have encountered while navigating their long-term relationship.

Bert Kreischer (55:03): "When we were 22 years together, I didn't need to say anything. She understands it."

Bert humorously reflects on his communication habits, detailing how therapy has both challenged and strengthened his bond with Brianna.

7. Upcoming Projects and Future Plans (55:32 - 69:56)

Bert talks about his latest stand-up special, emphasizing the changes he’s made in his performance style to enhance audience retention. He highlights his belief in luck and shares a heartfelt story about how small actions, like dropping pennies, have positively influenced his career.

Bert Kreischer (66:24): "I'm the luckiest man in the world."

The hosts engage in lighthearted banter about the intricacies of show business and personal milestones, concluding with Bert expressing gratitude towards his journey and the support from his fans.

Conclusion and Closing Remarks (69:57 - End)

The episode wraps up with final thoughts from the hosts, emphasizing the value of friendship, personal growth, and the unpredictable nature of life. Bert signs off with a promise to continue sharing his stories and engaging with the audience in future episodes.

Bert Kreischer (69:54): "My ass is so sweaty right now. It got so hot."

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Notable Quotes and Timestamps:

• Bert Kreischer (00:08): "All you have to do is agree to something that you would never do."
• Bert Kreischer (03:09): "There's so much to it that... there's so much to unpack."
• Bert Kreischer (03:43): "It sucks because you get misrepresented... People are gonna hate your guts for unfair reasons."
• Bert Kreischer (09:18): "I just saw her video today and I didn't know what I was watching."
• Bert Kreischer (55:03): "When we were 22 years together, I didn't need to say anything. She understands it."
• Bert Kreischer (66:24): "I'm the luckiest man in the world."

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Key Themes and Insights:

1. The Burden of Fame: Bert discusses how gaining fame later in life brought unexpected challenges, including misrepresentation and public scrutiny.
2. Relationship Dynamics: The importance of silent support and understanding in maintaining a long-term relationship is highlighted through Bert's experiences with Brianna.
3. Navigating Internet Culture: The hosts explore the often nonsensical trends on platforms like TikTok, showcasing the absurdity and humor found within.
4. Personal Growth through Therapy: Bert's journey in couples therapy reveals the complexities of self-awareness and relationship management.
5. The Role of Luck in Success: Bert attributes much of his success to luck, sharing humorous strategies he employs to attract good fortune.

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Conclusion:

This episode of BFFs with Josh Richards and Brianna Chickenfry offers a candid and humorous exploration of Bert Kreischer’s life, relationships, and the challenges of navigating fame. Through engaging storytelling and insightful discussions, the hosts provide listeners with an intimate look into their friendship and personal journeys. Notable moments, such as Bert's reflections on therapy and his unique views on internet trends, make this episode both entertaining and thought-provoking for new and existing listeners alike.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, BFF listeners. You can find us every Wednesday on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube Prime. Members can listen ad free on Amazon Music.

[Dave Portnoy]

I'm this weird part of my life. I really am.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bill Burr, Drop Dead Years, a hilarious stand up special, is now streaming on Hulu.

[Dave Portnoy]

I am getting along with my wife better than I ever have.

[Bert Kreischer]

All you have to do is agree.

[Josh Richards]

To something that you would never do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Farmer's Market. Oh, boy, would I. My buddy dies, I show up to the funeral, open casket. You told me he was dead. I believed you. Bill Burr. Drop Dead Years is now streaming on Hulu. With golf season quickly approaching, Chevy wants to help you make the most of every drive. The all electric Equinox EV has it all. A roomy interior, high tech screens, and more. Chevrolet together.

[Josh Richards]

Let's drive. Yo, what is up, everyone? Welcome back to the BFF's podcast. Make sure you guys tap that bell. Subscribe and like the video.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yes.

[Josh Richards]

I guess I kind of took it all.

[Dave Portnoy]

You did. But let's get into that.

[Josh Richards]

Let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you rolling? Are we rolling?

[Josh Richards]

Are we rolling?

[Bert Kreischer]

Are we rolling?

[Dave Portnoy]

We're good.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. I'm 52.

[Dave Portnoy]

You are?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm 52. I'm in Paris with my wife at dinner, watching your love life. And my wife's like, what are you doing? And I go, brianna, this fucking shit's going down. She was like, are you being serious? I go, yeah. She goes, do you know her? I go, not really. She was like, wait, do you know him? I said, no. She goes, and you. And you're really invested in this. I go, very, very invested.

[Dave Portnoy]

Wait, okay, I'm curious. Like, what's your. What's an outsider's take? What's Bert's take on?

[Bert Kreischer]

You're not gonna like my take.

[Dave Portnoy]

Okay. I love to hear it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You should have taken the money.

[Dave Portnoy]

Everyone thinks.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. You should. I'll tell you, man, I've been in drama before. Internet drama sucks.

[Dave Portnoy]

It does.

[Bert Kreischer]

It sucks. It sucks because it sucks. Don't you guys have like a booze company or something?

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You want sucks? Yeah. I'll take a cocktail. It sucks because. Because you get misrepresented, you get. You get misspoken for.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it is colossally frustrating. And you're never gonna win. You're never gonna win. Not everyone's gonna agree with you. People are gonna hate your guts, and they're gonna hate your guts for unfair reasons. And, you know, and like, we talked about it. We talked about it on Two Bears. Me, Ari and Tom.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, you know, there's so. It's such a deep. There's so much to it that. There's so much to unpack.

[Dave Portnoy]

There is.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's so much. And I know no one comes on this podcast to defend that guy, but what I will say is, I can't imagine how weird his head must have spun with the life he has. A guy like that is not supposed to be the number five earning artist in the world. He seemed like a regular guy, and all of a sudden, life is fucking crazy. Now, listen, I'm famous, but I'm 52. I got famous at 44. Like, I felt very lucky for it, but even I was fucked up. Even I was fucked up. But, yeah, I would have taken the money and just not said anything.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. I couldn't take. I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Dave Portnoy]

I could never. I still.

[Josh Richards]

Like, there would have been a lot of things that you do today that you wouldn't be able to do, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me tell you something. The silence is deafening.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, silence. To hold your fucking tongue, you end up saying things.

[Dave Portnoy]

Well, then I would have said something and got sued, and then I would have been in fucking court. And then it was like, just fuck you anytime.

[Bert Kreischer]

And anytime you would have said, any boyfriend after that, anytime you ever brought up. I did this one guy. It's that guy. That's who they think it is.

[Dave Portnoy]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the frustrating part.

[Dave Portnoy]

And they tried to. It was. The NDA was crazy. They tried to loop Josh into it, Dave into it. All of barstool. Like, it was just. It was fucking colossal.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. And then I get heartbroken that you and Grace break up because I loved you two together. And it's like all of a sudden, it's like, all I'm doing is fixating on you, and I've been saying your name wrong this entire time.

[Dave Portnoy]

What were you saying?

[Bert Kreischer]

Chicken fried.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm just saying, brianna, chicken fried. And I said it to Tommy, and he goes, what did you just say? And I go. And I'm thinking, there's no way. You know who I'm talk. Right? And I goes, brianna, chicken fried. And he goes, no, it's not. I go, no, you don't know what I'm talking about. He goes, no, you don't. And we have a fight. We got to a fight about how to say your name. And then he knows you. And I'm like, wait, how do you know her? And he goes, everyone fucking knows her. I was like, because if you get on top Segura's radar, man.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, shit. I made it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're this close from my mom knowing you.

[Dave Portnoy]

Let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Josh Richards]

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[Bert Kreischer]

BFFs. I mean, it was the only likable side of him. The only reason I like Dave Portnoy is because of you guys. What am I supposed to follow him for? Pizza reviews?

[Dave Portnoy]

We had him back on yesterday for like a little guest episode.

[Bert Kreischer]

He.

[Dave Portnoy]

He was so excited. He sits down, he couldn't stop talking. He didn't want to leave. It was great.

[Josh Richards]

It was good. It was good. He said he'd been walking around. He feels like he has no one to talk to about the drama anymore. So it's. It's good that he joined us.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's.

[Josh Richards]

It was good that he joined us.

[Dave Portnoy]

He had to get off his chest. Do you. Okay. Do you, like, know anything otherwise? Like, about the TikTok drama, Tik Tok drama stuff? Do you scroll?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Oh, yeah, I do scroll. You scroll by scroll. But, like, my. My algorithm's pretty up.

[Dave Portnoy]

What is it?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like. I mean, I think everyone knows it by now. It's boat crash videos. It's HBCU cheerleaders, okay? Puerto Ric, their haircut, watches, and, like, hot chicks at golf.

[Dave Portnoy]

Have you seen the. The. The lady that went to Pakistan and is taking over Black chick? Yeah, it's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Don't get me started on black chicks, okay? I'm going through a moment. Oh, okay. What is she just me up?

[Dave Portnoy]

I'm a fucking obsessed with her. Just.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just said this at lunch. It breaks my heart. It doesn't break my heart, but it hurts my feelings that I am the actual polar Opposite of what she's attracted to that the last thing she'd have sex with would be me. The very last thing. If we were all on a bus, she'd pick everyone and then go, fine.

[Dave Portnoy]

She probably doesn't even want you to be a fan of her music.

[Bert Kreischer]

We both grew up in Tampa.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I want to be like, yo, we're from Tampa. But, you know, we probably didn't grow up in the same neighborhood. No. Yeah. What country club did you belong to?

[Josh Richards]

She's like, huh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Did you go to Avala? My parents just left Avila. But yeah, but we. Palmasia. Is that such a disconnected individual? No, no. The black chick taking over Pakistan.

[Josh Richards]

Yes.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't wait to see her beheading video. It's gonna be so good.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's gonna happen soon too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you.

[Dave Portnoy]

Or she's gonna behead some. Somebody else on the fucking news.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's no way this doesn't end bad. There's no way. This is like. This is.

[Josh Richards]

I've been thinking about being the one that sends her the hundred thousand dollars just to get whatever needs to happen. I just want to get it moving, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just saw her video today and I didn't. I didn't know what I was watching. And I'm like, why isn't. Someone punched her. That's what they do in that country. You can totally punch a woman. You can light her on fire. You got a woman on fire, but.

[Dave Portnoy]

She'S running the show. Everyone's listening to her for now.

[Bert Kreischer]

What if she affects change?

[Josh Richards]

What if that was the thing you needed?

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you, that's. That's where I got that question. I swear to God, I got. I had a question. I saw this video and then I said, if you had to travel to a country to kill a woman, what country would you go to first and what country would you go to last? To kill a woman, you had to kill her. Like, what would be the easiest nationality to kill in your opinion?

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, like.

[Josh Richards]

Oh, the woman's nationality.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You travel to the country, like on vacation, but you're really there to kill someone.

[Josh Richards]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you. And you pick that based on what would be the lightest lift for you hardest?

[Josh Richards]

Russia. I don't want to go against a Russian woman.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow. Wow. Oh, God, you just fucked me up.

[Josh Richards]

I don't want to go against a Russian woman.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Josh Richards]

That's scary.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said Brazil.

[Josh Richards]

You said, that's going to be the hardest. I have a Brazilian girlfriend. You know what? Maybe I back that up now. Maybe I back that up now. I probably should say that that's probably the right answer for me. So I'm going to say the Brazilian woman's answer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Brazil's tough. Now, wait, so what do you think's easiest? I think people would say Asia. But that's a mist. No, no, you gotta remember, you gotta lure them in. Right.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, America.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, that's up in the top one. Hard ones.

[Dave Portnoy]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Women are getting killed every day here.

[Bert Kreischer]

The soft ones.

[Dave Portnoy]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Dave Portnoy]

True.

[Josh Richards]

That's a little bit of natural selection. So the easiest. And you don't think it's an Asian country?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we're gonna. I think you go, so. So let me. I'm tell you a short story.

[Josh Richards]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I traveled in Australia. Ever been to Australia?

[Josh Richards]

I haven't been to Australia.

[Bert Kreischer]

In Australia, every sign is written in English and in German because Germans grow up with no predators. They have no predators. They don't have wolves. No predators.

[Dave Portnoy]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

So Germans think, hey, Germans are like white kids that go to private school. This world's easy, right?

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. They're never looking over their shoulder.

[Bert Kreischer]

Germans die at a crazy clip in Australia. They get eaten by crocodiles. Like every day, five Germans get eaten by crocodiles. I don't know. You might want to Google that, but that sounds.

[Josh Richards]

I feel like that's a really high stat.

[Bert Kreischer]

5 a day.

[Dave Portnoy]

I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe I would choose German adjacent. I go to Norway.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, yeah.

[Josh Richards]

You've really thought about this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. This is what I do with my spare time. Right.

[Josh Richards]

You thought about men killing women think about killing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow, that's so funny. That's so sexist of me.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. Where would you kill the men? Like an easy man for me to kill.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You just blew my mind. Hold on. You're gonna have to give me a second. Okay. It's definitely not Russia. I'm definitely not killing a Russian man. No, no, no, no.

[Josh Richards]

That's again, hardest. I think that's the hardest for both genders.

[Dave Portnoy]

Fair. They're just so fucking scary.

[Josh Richards]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Josh Richards]

They hang out with bears on a daily.

[Dave Portnoy]

Where are they?

[Bert Kreischer]

I traveled to Russia once. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah. I told. My daughter is traveling abroad right now, studying abroad. And I said this. I'm so excited for you. This is going to be such a great, great, great adventure. And she goes, really? Have you ever traveled abroad, dad? And I went, what? She goes, do you ever study abroad? And I said, yeah. She goes, where did you go? And I went, are you being serious? She goes, I'm fucking with you. She goes, you don't think I've heard that story? The. The men.

[Dave Portnoy]

Easy. I'm trying to think little tiny men. Where are there little tiny men? Maybe like Taiwan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, well, that. No, the smallest men are the smallest men.

[Josh Richards]

Think about how Vietnam people up, you know, like, they're not big. They're not big men.

[Bert Kreischer]

Killing the Vietnamese. We lost, okay? It did not work. I'm not picking any country. Country. We lost again. No, no.

[Josh Richards]

So it can't be like one of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

The littlest men are like, probably, I would say Philippines.

[Dave Portnoy]

Are you. You're just Googling.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've actually googled this. I've googled penis size too. That one will not shock you.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're like, really? They're big in Africa.

[Dave Portnoy]

I didn't think about that.

[Josh Richards]

What about that island of untouched? The untouched civilization?

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, I don't. That's the hard. Well, it depends.

[Josh Richards]

What are you going in with? Is it bare hands? Oh, it's bare hands.

[Dave Portnoy]

I've never tracked my sting anyone.

[Josh Richards]

I've always wanted to fly a drone show over top of that island of the. Like that haven't been, you know.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Josh Richards]

Civilized whatsoever. Because I think I'd become their God. If you go over and you fly a drone show, thank your God.

[Dave Portnoy]

Like Travis Scott, he does that drone show.

[Josh Richards]

Exactly. It makes a little Travis Scott concert there and you become God.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I love is your imperialism is showing. And it's, that's, it's, it's ingrained in us to think. Ken. I was, I was in Tanzania. I was taking a helicopter in Tanzania for Travel Channel. And I'm flying over these men, the Maasai tribe, all in robes. The women are beautiful, tall, dark skinned. All these guys have sticks. One guy's got a goat on a piece of rope. And my first thought was, could I conquer them? Could I become their leader? And I went, oh my God. That's just old school cloning. Yeah.

[Josh Richards]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

You guys think you're God. White men God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, we're pretty close. I mean, I mean, if we're gonna. What are we gonna do? We're gonna break it down. I mean, like, I mean, we've been hitting dingers for a while, you know, we weren't the first ones. We just showed up later. We were on the other side of the mountains and then we came over like, yo, we'll take over from here.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's in your blood.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's terrible. That is going to get clipped out in the most evil way.

[Dave Portnoy]

There's no way then it's going to pin to me. You need a drink.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, cool. And they're warm. Thank you. Just like tea mom used to brew on the porch.

[Dave Portnoy]

You look strong.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm. That's great.

[Josh Richards]

Are you gonna video her saying that?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. I'm gonna show her. I'm gonna show both you guys what busting for the boys has waiting for them tomorrow.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, because you have a bet with them, Correct?

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a bet that I can bench press 300. That's 315. Shut up.

[Josh Richards]

That move pretty easy. That moved pretty easy.

[Dave Portnoy]

And they think no fucking way you could do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think no fucking way.

[Dave Portnoy]

So what do you get if you win the bet? Just bragging rights.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nothing really. To be honest, it's a fucked up bet is if I don't do it, then I've got to mention busting with the boys on every episode of Two Bears, which is a very popular podcast.

[Josh Richards]

For like how long?

[Bert Kreischer]

For a year.

[Dave Portnoy]

For a year on every episode?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And if I don't do it, they gotta mention my tour, which I'm not doing anymore. So why aren't you doing your tour anymore? I took time off. I got really close to stand. I mean like I've been doing this for 25 years. 26 years. And these last six years have been really intense. I'm actually toured during the pandemic.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

During the pandemic I did. I created a touring. Because I've just. I'm one of those people that like. If I like a problem. Cause I can fix it. I created touring, outdoor touring at drive in movie theaters. Oh, cool. I won an award for it. Yeah. And so I won a lot of awards for a couple.

[Josh Richards]

Very humble about this situation.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. I'm very proud of it. Listen, if they don't. If you, if you don't talk about yourself, maybe no one talks about you.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. If you don't talk about your awards, you have to talk about your awards.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I've won. You know, it's so funny. I got a bunch of awards within the same year. I wish they could have spread them out.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, I feel that. Yeah, you want to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like it's like one hot year and I got comedian of the year, one Damn the torpedoes award. I got all these cool awards, but they. I don't remember what they are anymore. So I was like, they're back to back. I haven't gotten any awards this year.

[Dave Portnoy]

Do you think it's because you got so many now? It's like, well, he can't do any more.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't get them. You can't win Community year twice. You can, but you got to be a better comic than me.

[Josh Richards]

Who has won? Has anyone won it twice?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm sure Chappelle, Chris Rock, those guys win the. But no. So I was so close. As I was doing my last Special, Lucky Streams, March 18th on Netflix. I. I wanted something else. I wanted something else. And it took me a very. I wanted. I wanted a sex joke. And I. It took me because everything that was about my family, but I had nothing about a sex joke about me and my wife. And it took me forever to get it. And I was like. And I was just. Kept writing the same kind of thing over and over and. What? Nothing was different. And I was like, yo, I need to take a break from stand up. Like, I'm. I'm losing my mind. I'd also spin out wildly about little things about stand up. And so I was like, I'm gonna take time off. I was gonna take three months off and then do a European tour. And then my wife's like, cancel the European tour. So I canceled that. And then I was supposed to start touring then do something, my summer festival. And I was like, yeah, I don't want to do that. I don't want to do stand up. I want to just stop doing stand up and then reset everything and then get on stage and see what I'm talking about now. And Louis did that. Louie was the first person. Ali Wong did that. And I'd never. I thought it was so crazy. And it's been really helpful. It's been really helpful to not have prepared material to bring to you, which is where you get in your stand up brain. So, yeah, so. And I'm supposed to start touring again in October, but I don't know. I don't think that's gonna happen. I think I'm gonna.

[Dave Portnoy]

You're gonna keep pushing it off.

[Bert Kreischer]

You think I'm doing a scripted series that shoots through the summer. I think I'm doing a movie that shoots. So I think I'm gonna do some movies and kind of see what happens. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

I like you acting. You're a really fun actor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you. Can I tell you what I want someone to do? I want someone to take my movie the Machine and turn it into those clips on YouTube shorts. That makes me so interested in a movie that no one's seen. You ever see, like, a clip on a movie and you're like a man and a woman Took a sailboat to an island where they took their dinghy. And then a storm came in. And then you're like, where's part two? And then I watched a whole movie on TikTok the other day. Watched part one, part two, part three, part four. Then I went back and went to Wikipedia, read the plot, because I was like, I don't have enough answers.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's the best part about TikTok. There's always this series, and then you need to find the actors. Then you follow them on Instagram.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's what I just realized. I'm gonna see you guys. You're doing my cooking show.

[Josh Richards]

We own it.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. Because part of me is like, this isn't ending. I'm not done yet. And then I was like, oh, I get to talk to you guys again.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, yeah, we get to do more. Wait, we also. We have a game we want to play with you too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's do it.

[Dave Portnoy]

Okay, so like you said when you first came in, you know a lot about the drama. You were invested in it. These are like situations that have happened in our, like, sphere, on Barstool, on TikTok. And we want to see what your take on these would be.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Dave Portnoy]

Okay, I'll read the first one since about you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Dave Portnoy]

Okay. Your girlfriend cheats on you with your best friend and they start dating. The guy she cheats with also has a girlfriend in the same friend group. It becomes the biggest story on the Internet. What's your take on that?

[Josh Richards]

What would you do if you were, you know, in that man's shoes?

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, who is it? Oh, we don't know.

[Josh Richards]

Just a guy. Probably a really good looking guy.

[Dave Portnoy]

He seems like a good guy.

[Josh Richards]

Probably stand up guy.

[Dave Portnoy]

He really loved the girl too.

[Josh Richards]

He's probably just, you know, trying to help people and he got hurt.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. Yeah.

[Josh Richards]

What would you do?

[Bert Kreischer]

So I got cheated on in college. My best friend had sex with my girlfriend.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was in Russia at the time. So I came home and everyone knew except for me. Oh.

[Dave Portnoy]

And you could feel it. Like, did you just feel something was off?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, they called it cuck. That's what the word is. And it feels like it sounds.

[Dave Portnoy]

I always say cuck. He doesn't like when I say cuck.

[Josh Richards]

No, I don't, because, you know, it hits me in a certain place.

[Bert Kreischer]

It sucks to be a cuck. Sucks.

[Dave Portnoy]

How'd you find out?

[Bert Kreischer]

So. So this kid I grew up with, Pat Fagan, I was home and he saw them making out in a car. And he came to me and he said. He went to both of them and said, I'm gonna give you guys until tomorrow morning to tell him, or I'm telling him.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's a good friend.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tricks. Yeah. I haven't called him that since we were children. And so she told me, and she. And I gotta be honest with you.

[Josh Richards]

So you were still dating her when you came back?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Ooh. Oh, yeah. And it. And she told me, and at first I was like, she didn't tell me. That sucks. She told me they kissed and I was like, okay, now I'm out. I can. I'm not really destroyed. It's. Stuff happens by now. I can go hook up with chicks, and then I can come back if I want to.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then it's. And then I saw him. I saw him and he was like. He told you? And I said, yeah. And I was pissed. And he goes, listen, I'm sorry. I go, listen, all you guys did was kiss. And he went, hmm. I went, oh, boy. And to make things worse. And he's. This guy is still a friend of mine, a very close friend of mine. We just saw him a couple weeks ago. He has the biggest dick in the world. And I've known that his dick was. The first time I saw. His dick was the first dick I saw where I was like, wait, we don't have this same ones.

[Josh Richards]

Oh, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

We were at tennis camp and we were like, fifth grade, third grade or whatever. And I was like, slanging along. I was like, whoa, what's that? I was like, hold on. And I never felt shame about my dick. Because when you have your dick, you only see your dick. You think you got the biggest dick in the world, you'll see. And then you see other boys dicks, and you're like, oh, fuck. And so. Yeah, so.

[Dave Portnoy]

So you didn't blame her?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I blamed her really bad. I actually talked shit about her up until, like, a few years ago. And, yeah, a buddy of mine. I won't. I can say it. We can play Penny. Another comedian. Another comedian. Random as shit. Another comedian was dating her when I met her. Dude from just. He went to high school with her. He was. I'm sitting and I'm sitting. This is the wild. I'm sitting in. I'm sitting in. In Atlantic City. I'm with Big J Okerson and Mike Vecchione. And we're sitting and having drinks. We just did a show. We all bombed. And I said to Mike, mike, where are you from? He goes, florida? You never meet people from Florida ever. Ever. Wait, we're in Florida? He goes, boca? I said, shut up. I said, I used to date a chick from Boca. He goes, really? Who? And I said the name, and he goes, I dated her. And I went, wait. I go, are you Mike the wrestler? He goes, yeah. I go, I'm Burt from fsu. And he went, sh. We almost got into a fist fight when we were 18 years old. Shut up. We almost. We were at Rocket's house, and Rocket was like this jack dude that. We were all friends, but she had been dating Mike when she moved to Florida State and started dating me and had to go back and break up with Mike.

[Josh Richards]

Serial cheater. This is her move.

[Bert Kreischer]

She dated me for five years. I don't know if she cheated on me a bunch. But then. So then I That's.

[Dave Portnoy]

She dated you for five years and she don't need her best friend?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, I get why you still talk shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

It broke me so bad. Like, it broke me.

[Dave Portnoy]

How do you trust anyone after that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Great, great question. Yeah. You don't.

[Josh Richards]

You don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great question. Great question. Great. And so. But what's so funny is Mike and I reconnect. So then one day, I'm telling the story with Mike on the thing, and Mike says to me, he goes, you know, can I just give you. Mike Vecchione is possibly the greatest dude alive. He really is just a great, great man. Like, the solid man. He goes, can I say something? Because you can make your own decision. He goes, you know, you didn't talk, like, fondly of her when last time we did a podcast. And he goes, I wouldn't do that. Said, why? In my head, I'm like, fuck her. She cheated on me. Right? He's like, she doesn't have a platform. And can you imagine what would feel like to be represented but not have a platform to stay your truth? And he goes, I'm sure you had done some things that maybe. I don't know. Maybe. So I wouldn't talk bad about her. And I went, good call. Yeah. And I was like, yeah. And by the way, I don't talk bad about her. I googled her one time. She still looks fucking beautiful. She's very happy. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Good for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said to my wife, I said, my wife, you never Google an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. She goes, no. I go, it's fun to see what they're up to. I go, come on, we'll do it for for you. So she goes. I go, what's this is. This is hysterical. I go, what's his name? His name is Peter Giuliano. Right? And I go, peter Giuliano. So I type it in and I go, ooh. She goes, what's it say? I go, he died. She was like, what? I go, shit, he died a week ago. She's like, wait, what the fuck? He died a week ago. I go, oh, usually it's more fun than this. She's like, wait, I gotta call his family. Like, I know his family. I know his little brother. Oh, my God, they're hurting. And I was like, ugh.

[Dave Portnoy]

They were like, oh, this is so exciting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, usually they just get fat. Dang.

[Dave Portnoy]

He died a week ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was so. I used a fake name, but it was so. And Leanne started crying and I was.

[Dave Portnoy]

Like, do you ever go, I guess you don't need to Google.

[Josh Richards]

I don't really need to Google.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. It's just on your timeline, right?

[Josh Richards]

It's just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't. I missed this drama. Who was it?

[Josh Richards]

This was about so long ago, three years ago now. This was a girl I was with at the time. Her name is Nessa Barrett, and she's a musician, artist, and also did TikTok as well. So she has a large audience. So I can talk shit about it all I want because she can defend herself.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right?

[Josh Richards]

So it's a little different, but yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

And it was with his best friend who lived in the house.

[Josh Richards]

Yes, we lived together. So me and that guy lived together for about two years.

[Bert Kreischer]

It sucks. Do you know what my buddy Mike Osborne said to me? He goes, well, let's just get a case of beer. This is the night I found out everything. And I go, well, I don't think that's going to solve it. And he goes, no, it's not going to solve it. But he goes, it'll make it feel better, right? And I was like, okay. And so we went to our buddy Clint Munn house, and Clint Munn had ocd. And we would. We used to. This is before, like, anyone cared about how people's mental health. Yeah, right, right. And we got a case of beer, and we told Clint like, hey, bathroom's beautiful. How many tiles do you think you have in there? And he'd be like, ugh. And then he'd just go, countless tiles. And we laugh hysterically. Clint, how many steps do you think you take when you go up your stairs? And he'd be like, huh? And then you'd watch him. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Do you count the top step? I was like, what number you at? He's like, shit. Clint Munn, man, was the funniest fucking guy. I remember one time. He's like, he's dead. So I can tell these stories.

[Dave Portnoy]

Rip.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. He was the funniest fucking guy. He was like, hey, man, can I show you something? I said, what's that, Clint? He goes, can you take a look at something? And he pulls his dick out, and it's, like, massively swollen. And I go, what the fuck happened? He goes, I think I got bit by a spider. And I go, in your pants? I go, clint, did you have sex with someone? And he goes, I did, but I don't think it's that. I went, buddy.

[Josh Richards]

I mean that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Josh Richards]

It's definitely that 100% that Clint Munn.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fell through a ceiling one time. We had a. We had an attic in this place. This is like. Sometimes I tell stories about my life. I go, I don't believe me either. Okay.

[Josh Richards]

Right, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

We had a house. There was a teacher who had tenure at fsu, and he got caught selling cocaine to football players and throwing underage parties at his house. All the doors were lockable from the outside, not the inside. And he had to bounce, right? But he had tenure, so he moved to Minnesota. God, I wish I could remember that guy's name. I wish I could remember that guy's name. You could Google it. And this guy, I think he got. He got child pornography problems. Anyway, so he had a bounce. But he had this house that he owned, so he had to rent it. So he rented it to us for $2,000. It was a fucking sick house. And what he did was he put all his goods up in the ceiling up in the attic. So we'd go up in the attic, get high, get drunk, and try on his clothes and put on out. He had crazy shit with the cosplay. Yeah. Yeah. And so we go up there. So one time, Clint Munn's in his roller skates in the attic, and we're all sitting, playing like, bongos and smoking weed, and Kleinmon turns around and goes, hey, guys. And the roller skates were too heavy for the ceiling, and he fell through the fucking ceiling into the hallway in front of his door, and he just skated into his bed and went to sleep. I swear to God. I swear to God.

[Dave Portnoy]

Did anybody say anything?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he just fell through the thing, landed, and he's like, I think I hurt myself. Oh. He was a Good guy. He was a good guy.

[Josh Richards]

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[Bert Kreischer]

He used to have a thing called the Perfect Cigarette. I mean, I can't tell you.

[Dave Portnoy]

I love these stories about him.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was ocd, so he had a thing, the Perfect cigarette. So the perfect cigarette would be. He had to open the pack the right way, the right song. Frank Black had to be playing and he had to pull it out the right way. He had to smoke it to the perfect end of the song and throw it out. And he had rules. He was like, couldn't be in the state of Florida when he had the perfect cigarette. So he had to drive to Georgia. And he did this every night at like three in the morning. He'd go, try to find the perfect cigarette. And it was a ritual thing. He was in the car. He used to drink and drive a lot. He was in the car. He made me laugh harder than anything. He goes, we're driving down Tennessee street and he's going like 80 miles an hour. And he's like, you know they say you're not supposed to drink and drive cause like, it's dangerous. He goes, I'd say 95% of the time I'm okay to drive. I go, really? And he goes, but right now, it's that 5%.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

God, I miss being young.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

How old are you?

[Dave Portnoy]

25. He's 23.

[Josh Richards]

I'm 23.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I met you when you were underage.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, yeah. He was underage for so long.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've been underage most of your Life.

[Josh Richards]

Yeah, for 20, 20 years.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was only underage for a little bit of my life.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, just a little bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

You got all that.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're 25.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. You hate.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I just feel bad that you had to go through all that at 25.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, no. Brutal. I think people forget I'm 25.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

I'm still trying to figure it out. It's okay. It happens.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I was 25, Rolling Stone magazine called me the number one party in all the country.

[Dave Portnoy]

I love that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I wrote a 6 1/2 page article about me and. Yeah, that was when I was 25. And I moved to New York at 25. Started stand up kind of, but really started at 26. I'm so lucky that. Nothing. I'm so lucky I didn't have the Internet. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky for all that because, like, I don't know how you. I don't know how you handle it at your age to be famous.

[Dave Portnoy]

His whole life has been online since.

[Josh Richards]

What, you were 13.

[Dave Portnoy]

13.

[Josh Richards]

13 years old. So it's been like 10 years now. But, yeah, I've. The whole entire time. I think the coolest article that has ever come out of it was when New York Times called me and the guys that we all had a house with, the Sway House. They referred to us as the modern day Motley Crue.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where was.

[Josh Richards]

I never lived down that title in my life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where was the Sway House?

[Josh Richards]

That was in Bel Air.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real?

[Josh Richards]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you would have loved it.

[Dave Portnoy]

Took your shirt off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you, I was pitching content houses 20 years ago. 20 years ago, I was pitching. I pitched to Spike TV. I want a house where a bunch of comedians live and we make it. Will make it like. But they needed, like, arcs. I did a show. This is how crazy how much the industry changed. I did a show called Hurt Burt, where I took dangerous men's jobs for a day. And one day I was a dominatrix camp. One day I fought a bull. One day I swim with great white sharks out of the cage. I tamed lions. I fought a bear. I did everything. And the problem with the show, their note was it was too quick. They Were like, right now, it's called what we call a viral video. They unleashed a bull. It ran around the ring, and within eight seconds, it breaks my ribs, breaks my foot, stomps me and goes off. And they're like, yeah, we don't see an arc to that. Like, why would anyone want to watch just that? I mean, if I had been doing Hurtbert today. Today, I just got. I fought a bear. I was at dominatrix camp. And the lady, they had me naked. Naked. Strapped. Mistress Isabella, by the way, still hot. Still hot. Still in Alabama. Still hot. And she put me naked, strapped me into stirrups, into, like, a gynecological chair. Naked, naked.

[Dave Portnoy]

Fully naked.

[Bert Kreischer]

10 pound weights on my balls. Oh, electric pobes on my balls. Hot wax whipped me, everything. I never even got to our safeword. Here's where I got some more safe word. She takes me in latex, right? Like, it's like a latex wrap. They. I don't know. I don't remember exactly, but, like, they hang you up like a. Like a Peking duck, right? Like you're. You're dangling. And then they took latex. They had a tube in there. They took latex and like, a. And they tightly wound my body so I was trapped. Almost like it was, like, suctioned. And then she started putting lube coming out of the tube into my body, and she was moving it with her hand. And as soon as it hit my dick, I went, marshmallow. That was your safe word? I was like a marshmallow. It was always my safe word. And she was like, what? I was marshmallow? Because I was like, I'm gonna blow a load right now. This is the hottest thing I've ever felt in my entire life.

[Dave Portnoy]

You liked it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I loved it. I loved it. And then, you know what's crazy? Shout out to Mistress Isabella. She said, let me give you some tapes. This is back when you had vhs. She was, let me give you some tapes. I said, okay. She goes, I think I know what your thing is. And I was like, all right. So she gave me some tapes, and I was like, God damn it. Like, some of it turned out. Some of it was, like, weird as shit. Like, some of it. What turns a guy on. You don't get to pick your thing. It's whatever.

[Dave Portnoy]

What did you like?

[Bert Kreischer]

So. So the first time I realized I was straight was watching Wonder Woman.

[Josh Richards]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wonder Woman. Linda.

[Josh Richards]

Mine was Daphne Scooby Doo.

[Bert Kreischer]

Interesting. Yep.

[Josh Richards]

I'll remember it forever.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's interesting.

[Josh Richards]

Daphne Scooby Doo.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep. Well, not the hot one.

[Josh Richards]

Daphne's the hot one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, well, you picked the troll.

[Josh Richards]

No, Velma's the one with glasses, you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Know, orange Scooby Doo, purple dress.

[Josh Richards]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's not a real person. It's not like she's gonna hear this and go, oh, I'm a troll. Even the person that does the voice is like, I'm kind of a troll voice. Daphne. It's just annoying. Fred. Scooby. Anyway, Wonder Woman. So she sent me stuff, and it was like, women in, like, almost like Wonder Woman costumes. Like, like, like. And I was just like, wow. It was just so. I was like, like, I'll tell you the one that really freaked me out that I didn't think I was gonna like. But, you know, talking to that community, you guys are not.

[Dave Portnoy]

We're gonna look at you different.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm nervous to even share it. Quicksand porn.

[Dave Portnoy]

What? Can you demonstrate?

[Bert Kreischer]

I can. So it's a woman walking through the woods, right? Just regular woman. And then. Oh, what's this? Oh, oh. And then she starts singing. She goes, maybe if I take my top off, that'll get me. No, no. And then she thinks in quicksand.

[Josh Richards]

And that's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it.

[Josh Richards]

There's no. No guy comes in.

[Bert Kreischer]

No guy. Just. She disappears.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's a. It's like magic.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I didn't understand it. I didn't understand. There's a huge community of people that are into quicksand porn. They're called Sinkers.

[Dave Portnoy]

I'm gonna look this up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, and there's. And they have a site. They have a site, I think you. To synchronous.com and it'll tell you places where quicksand's located. So if you want to shoot your quicksand porn. And so. So what it was. I didn't understand it. And then I talked to. I think I talked to Mistress Isabella. I talked to someone about it.

[Dave Portnoy]

You still talk to Mistress?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. I had her on my podcast. Yeah, she's funny. She's. Her and my wife have a lot in common, but not that. But they're both from the South. They're both, like, kind of strong chicks. So. So here's the thing. So we didn't have pornography when I was a child because we had, like. It was just. I mean, you had it, but you couldn't get a hold of it. So what would turn you on would be whatever you saw on TV that was adjacent seeing Wonder Woman. Get Tied up. All of a sudden, there's a connection. One of the biggest plot devices around. You can Google this, and I'm going to be off by years. One of the biggest plot devices in the 60s in creating TV, which a lot of the reruns that I watched as a kid was quicksand as a plot device. There was a movie called Lawrence of Arabia. I know I'm getting this wrong. Queen of the Jungle, something type in first movie that used quicksand, and it was like the hit movie, and they had quicksand in it. So what happened is every TV producer put quicksand in the movies because it was such a hit. And so type in type, by the way, I'd have to find it for you, but someone can get into this. But so quicksand became a plot device in a lot of the movies. Anytime a damsel was in distress, she would get caught in quicksand. And there's a moment when a woman gets caught in quicksand that we would see as kids that they definitely kept in these shows where the breast would hit the quicksand. And you see the breast kind of raise up, like, almost like bustier.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's the shit that does it. Because that's all I saw as a kid was, like, women getting caught in quicksand.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's like in the back of your brain.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's in the back of your brain. You see it and all. There's a part of you that goes like, what the fuck? And then you're like, I'm signing my thing. Like, I don't go do it. But, like, I saw it and I went, oh, my God, that's so crazy. You don't get to pick your thing. Like, you don't get to pick.

[Dave Portnoy]

You don't get to pick your thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. For whatever. I mean, I love Louis ck, but he didn't get to pick what turns him on. Right. Like, you know, it's his thing. Yeah. I mean, you don't. You don't pick it. It picks you. Like, what's something that you didn't know that turned you on that turns you on?

[Josh Richards]

Do you have.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you have any kinks or fetishes?

[Dave Portnoy]

Kinks? I don't know. I'm not really into, like, anything maybe kinky. More kinky. Like, I like to be, like, dominated, but not. I don't like, like, anything, like, fetish wise. Nothing. Yeah, there's nothing, like, special.

[Bert Kreischer]

At the risk of oversharing, my wife and I were very meat and potatoes sexually for a long Time. And then we went. When the movie was coming out, we were doing. I was doing a press junket in Hollywood, and I did a spot at the store, and my wife was with me, and we went to Saddle Ranch. Yeah, I fucking love Saddle Ranch. Rocks. Fucking Saddle Ranch rocks. Best thing to do if you're a dude right now, go to Saddle Ranch on a Sunday afternoon, sit by the bowl. And anytime a girl gets up on the bowl, the guy's gonna give her instructions. When he gets off and he goes to start the thing, just yell quietly to her, lean forward, and they break noses like that. It's so funny. So maybe that was fun to do back before when you couldn't get in trouble. Anyway, me and my buddy Eddie were not, like, good guys. We used to. You know, our big movement. We go to Saddle Ranch and we. We'd look at a group of girls and go, hang on, we're gonna get you guys drinks. And we tell the water, bring her over. Bring them over a pitch of water with a bunch of cups, and they put a pitch of water in. My buddy Eddie and I would go, stay hydrated. Had a buddy call me up one time. This is one of my favorite stories. I love a good story. It doesn't need to be hilarious. Just a good story.

[Dave Portnoy]

A good story. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're gonna call him. We're gonna call him. I'm gonna have to call him a different name because he's a real person. And if I told you the. Can you just bleep his name so I can tell you the name? And. Yeah, it's good. Yep. So I'm gonna tell you all the facts. And I'm. And I know that this guy. Okay, so I moved to New York. I'm living in New York for probably six months. And. And I get a phone call, and it comes up number. It's. Now I know he's got our mattresses, and that's how we got hook up all mattresses. So I'm like, that's crazy. So I pick up the phone, I go, hello? I hear his name go, Bird. I said, yeah. And he goes, it's. I said, what's up, buddy? And he goes, nothing. Hey, man, how's New York treating you? I said, pretty good. He goes, you having a good time with this comedy stuff? I said, yeah. He goes, hey, man, you talk to any of them old boys we used to run with in college? I said, no. He goes, like, for how long? I haven't talked to anyone. Like, probably three months, four months. He goes, all Right. He goes, hey, do you remember that pie Fi. Heather, Blonde hair, cute. I said, yeah. He goes, last night, I'm at Ken's, and she comes up and she says, take me out back to your truck. I want you to fuck me. So I took her out, Bird. I broke her off one. I took her every way I could. I fucked the shit out of her. I said, cool. I said, wait, aren't you engaged? He goes, yeah. I said, you're still engaged? He goes, yeah. Why are you telling me this? He goes, well, Bert, I had to tell somebody. And I know you don't talk to num old boys. Shit, man. It was good talking to you. Good luck with the comedy. Click. And hung up. I went, I've told so many people that story.

[Dave Portnoy]

And then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sweet. I swear to God. I swear to God, Pete. Swear to God. I tell that story at Rogan's club, getting ready for my spot. I tell it at Rogan's club. All the names in it. Leave it. What are the chances that next Monday, who did I get an email from? Shut the fucking names. He goes, name. And I went, yes. And he goes, he's coming to your show next week. I get rid of that joke.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you gotta bleep those names. I'll fucking ruin.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's fucking awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

What are the odds of that?

[Bert Kreischer]

That was crazy. I think that's when, like, you know, when you go, like, oh, my dick's so small. And then the phone's like, do you need penis enhancements? That's the way the universe works. Yeah, I think so.

[Dave Portnoy]

Hey, guys, quick commercial break. I'm deathly ill, as you can see, as you can tell. And I have so much to do today, so I will be grabbing myself a ghost energy. But ghost energy did listen to you guys, and they made the straw Bango flavor permanent. It's here to stay. And it's amazing. It's great. All the flavors are amazing. It's 200 milligrams of natural caffeine, which is amazing. So it makes you focused, but it doesn't give you that jittery feeling. Also, the flavors I don't understand. There's no artificial flavoring, and there's no, like, added sugar. I don't understand, because it tastes exactly like what it says, A ghost till I die, baby. Ghost is amazing. And now it's available nationwide at Circle K, and it's here to stay. So make sure to go try the permanent flavor Straw Bango. I need to go get myself a ghost energy and get My life together. Okay, back to the show.

[Josh Richards]

Should we read one more of these scenarios?

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. Want to do one more?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, shit, I forgot we were doing the game.

[Dave Portnoy]

No, no, that's okay. That's why we did it, so that we could spark.

[Josh Richards]

We would start conversation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe I should do that on my podcast.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then it's so much better as a guest than a host. You'll see tomorrow.

[Dave Portnoy]

You can pick your favorite one.

[Josh Richards]

All right. A girl is falsely accused of sexual assault without any evidence, comes on your show with her team of lawyers, and the whole Internet comes after you for giving her a platform to speak. Years later, it turns out you were right about her not being guilty, and the Internet realized that the girl's career was ruined for no reason.

[Dave Portnoy]

This was drama.

[Josh Richards]

Was it her name?

[Bert Kreischer]

Santa. May.

[Dave Portnoy]

Sienna. May.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sienna. May.

[Dave Portnoy]

Sienna. May Gomez. This all. Okay, so I'll break it down. There was this girl. She was, like, the biggest thing on the Internet. She blew up. What? She gained like 15 million followers in, like, a month. A month. Crazy. Like, the biggest thing. She starts, like, kind of dating this guy, but they're doing it for content. They're both big. This guy's name's Jack. This is Sienna. So they blow up. They're like. They have feelings for each other, but it's like he's leading her on, but she thought they were dating. There's a video of them where she's, like, kissing him a little bit, but they kiss for video. So whatever. He comes out, writes this whole entire. Like, it ruined her. Said that she sexually assaulted him, that she's crazy that she broke into his house.

[Josh Richards]

That like a 25 minute YouTube video.

[Dave Portnoy]

25 minute video.

[Josh Richards]

And put Adsense on it. So he made like 200k off the.

[Dave Portnoy]

YouTube video as he's sobbing, saying, she sexually assaulted me. But then they make out on videos all the time, like, crazy. We never bought it. We had her on with Dave and she brought her whole legal team on. And then people tried to cancel us for, like, having her on. And now it just came out that he was lying and she never did anything wrong. That's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Interesting. So I. I have definitely. Yeah, I don't. You know, I stay away from all the, like, all the stuff. Because I'm always the bad judge of character.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I'm always like, he's a good guy. Come on. You know, and so I just. I always, like. Because I don't. Like, I got in trouble once for just speaking out. I just said something casually about someone and The Internet. Not only the Internet. My friends came after me.

[Dave Portnoy]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, my friends were like, dude, what the fuck? And by the way, I still stand by what I said. And it was, like, very casual. Very casual. Actually, I don't know that, because I don't know what I said. But, I mean, it could have been rough. I don't know. But so then after that happened, I was like, I'll never speak to anyone about anything about anyone. Because I don't know. And it does suck. It does suck when, like, you hear. When you. When someone says something about you casually. So, yeah, I don't know. That really sucks. Yeah, I didn't. I'm stuck on a girl sexually assaulting a guy.

[Josh Richards]

That's where I was stuck on it, too, when I heard the story at the start.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I go, let me see you try to do it to me. Like, I mean, I've told strippers, like, hey, stop. Like, I went to a strip club in South Africa one time, and the girl goes, would you like, touch or no touch? And I was like, who the fuck? It's no touch. And then I went in there, and she goes, take your pants off. I was like, what? She was like, yeah, I need to jerk you. I was like, no, no, no. I want no touch. I'm so sorry. As a matter of fact, I don't think I want any. I don't want.

[Dave Portnoy]

Do you have any quicksand? I love strip clubs. I met on Bourbon street to strip club two days ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

They suck here.

[Dave Portnoy]

It was really. It was. I hate when it's sad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you my favorite strip club in Burn Street?

[Dave Portnoy]

Because no one was giving money.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. This is what you do. This is what you do. This is a move in New Orleans. I won't say the guy's name. I won't say the guy's name. He's a very big television producer. Like, the biggest television producer ever. Like, the biggest show on television. He did that.

[Dave Portnoy]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

He hits me up. I become friends with him. He took me to dinner one night, and he was like, yo, I'd love to take you to dinner. So we go to, you know, somewhere in Hollywood, the Chateau Marmont, and we go to dinner. And I was like, what is this about? He's like, I want to develop a sitcom with you. I was like, really? He's like, my son's a huge fan of yours. He turned me on to yours, to your stuff and your podcast clips. Let's try to figure something out. So we kind of. We Tried to work for something. Anyway, I come down to do the theater. This is a while ago, theater here. And he hits me up, he's like, yo, my son's still down there. Can you take him out? Like, him and his friends bring him out to the back and take him out, have a good night. Like, take him to a strip club or something. I was like, yeah, sure. So I go, I do the Joy theater. I bring him. And his. His son comes, right? Son's a strikingly attractive man. Really good looking kid. Like, and his friends are all kind of studs, but they're like kind of quieter a little bit. So I was like. I was like, hey, what do you guys want to do? And they're like, I don't know, what do you want to do? I go, why don't we go to strip club? So we went to a strip club right off Bourbon Street. You gotta go off Bourbon Street?

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, we were on.

[Bert Kreischer]

On sucks.

[Dave Portnoy]

It was crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

On sucks. Off is great. So I go in with $3,000 and I go to the manager, I say, I had $3,000. I need $3,000 worth of chicks over to have fun with these boys. And they're like, okay. So I just go put the money on the table. I was like, hey, guys, have a good time. And I just sat off to the cut and I watched these like 20 year old boys. Like, this is amazing. This is. And then I watch. And then the best is I listened to this boy pitch himself to a stripper about. He was trying to. He was gonna see if he could fix her.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Every single day. As someone who's done that, when I was 18, to watch him, he's like, you ever been to Malibu? You know, I was like, shut the up. I go spearfishing with Tommy Lee's son. We're close. I was like, don't do it.

[Josh Richards]

Don't do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that sucks. That. That sucks at that. And being falsely accused of anything is ridiculous. It's terrible. It's horrific, awful.

[Josh Richards]

But I enjoy being right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I really like this podcast now. I know why Dave did it.

[Dave Portnoy]

I know he could do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is kind of weird hanging out with children, though.

[Dave Portnoy]

I know, but, like, I feel like I'm middle ground. I'm 25.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're still okay.

[Dave Portnoy]

I know. And Dave, how old are you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, 25 also.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I still feel weird. I'm 52.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, okay. How old is Dave?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's 63, 66. I thought, yeah, he's young. He's like, 40 something, right?

[Josh Richards]

Yeah, I think he's like 48, 40.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, he's 49. He's 50. He's 50.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, if he was 50, you would have had a 50th birthday party.

[Dave Portnoy]

He hates birthdays.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Dave's a real interesting dude.

[Dave Portnoy]

He is.

[Josh Richards]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whatever.

[Dave Portnoy]

Dave.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm fascinated by him. Yeah, I actually, actually, yeah, I met him. I actually was thinking about him walking down the street the other day because I was like, I wish, I wish I was more. I'm going in pretty intensive therapy right now and, and I, I wish, I wish I was like him and I could be outspoken and put my enemies names on champagne bottles. And I heard him go, fucking scumbag. You know, he says that I was like, I wish I could be more like that.

[Dave Portnoy]

I wish so, so bad. I physically can't do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't, I can't. I'm a little bit of a coward. Whereas if you'd wrong me, I don't say anything, but then I talk behind your back. Like I just trash you behind your back. Like it's bad, it's bad. I start, I get teens, you like drama. We get a chat thread where it's just you just. But, no, but I, but I do find him fascinating. Like he's unabashedly wealthy. He doesn't mind talking about it. He, you know, I find him really fascinating. But the, one of the most fascinating things that he did a podcast with you guys.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like for four years.

[Josh Richards]

It's a long time.

[Dave Portnoy]

It was a really long time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, for a really long time.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's really interesting. Yeah. I like him. I think I'm, I dare I say admire him for what he's built. I think Barstool is very fucking cool.

[Josh Richards]

Oh yeah?

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not what I, you know, I had a decision on whether or not I wanted to make something like Barstool. I had a couple decisions even going towards bar going to Barstool. And I decided that I just like focusing on me. Right. Like, I just want everything to be on. I couldn't do what Dave does. I wouldn't be, I'd be like busting with the boys. What? No, no, no. What about Dave?

[Dave Portnoy]

That's really, I crazy because he like is the face of the company essentially. But he like has to watch what everyone does and he has to take care of everyone and then he does content himself. Like where the fuck do you have time? And then he's the businessman. I don't.

[Josh Richards]

And he knows what's going like, we had a podcast guest canceled today and he was right away on their, like texting the guy's girlfriend be like, what the going on?

[Dave Portnoy]

What the.

[Josh Richards]

He was still like, he does. Yeah, he does. He is so involved in everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel like, yeah, I like him. I like. I, I admire Barstool. I think it's a really cool organization. And it's like, I'm a fan of Frank's. I think Frank's fascinating. Oh, yeah. You know, I love Kevin. I took those guys to Amsterdam.

[Dave Portnoy]

I know Flights was telling me some stories about Amsterdam.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, tell me you guys are down 24 hours and I got a trip for you. That's creepy. As we're about to get down. We're about to get kidnapped.

[Dave Portnoy]

We're getting kidnapped.

[Bert Kreischer]

My wife. My wife. No, I'm bringing Brianna and a co host who also looks hot.

[Dave Portnoy]

Wait, we're down though.

[Bert Kreischer]

My daughters are going to be like, wait, we're almost their age. Dad, why don't you take us makeup? Yeah, no, you're, you're too young. I wouldn't if I, I always talk to my wife. If my wife died, I wouldn't date young.

[Dave Portnoy]

How old would you go? What, like 30?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Dave Portnoy]

You hate 30 year olds.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, I just, I need, I don't know. I'm not attracted to that anymore. Like, it's not, it just, it's like, it seems juvenile to me. It seems like I like what my wife looks like. I'd probably go for another menopausal chick.

[Dave Portnoy]

I like that. I'd probably go, I wish more men were like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, like, I'd probably go, 45 would be pretty solid. I'd like to data check going through menopause.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, fuck, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

To kind of see her like before and after. Because when Leanne went to. When Leanne went into menopause. Oh, this is a story I was gonna tell you.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, tell us.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we went to Saddle Ranch. Yeah. And Leanne was starting menopause.

[Dave Portnoy]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

When women start menopause, it's like, it's like, it's like being on JB football. Like, they feel her. They're like, yeah, let's fucking go. Right? So we're at Saddle Ranch, we're having cocktails, we had dinner. And I went into the bathroom. She went to the bathroom. And as she came out of the bathroom, a guy and a girl were walking into the girls bathroom at Saddle Ranch. My wife's like, what, what is I doing? I was like, they're going in to fuck. And she was like, what? I said, yeah, they're going in to have sex. And she went, at Saddle Ranch. And I was like, yeah. She goes, can you believe that? I go, yeah, I totally can believe that. I go, babe, hey. Once we were young and we used to have fun like that. I didn't realize what I said. So she gets in the car. She has not had anything to drink. She's sober. My wife barely ever drinks, but I have had a couple. And it is silent the whole ride over the hill into the valley, pull into our house. Girls are still home, by the way, at this time, she pulls under our carport, which she never pulls into. She goes, you know, I'm not old. And I was like, no, I'm not. I didn't say you're old. She goes, you know, I can still be fun. And my wife gets totally naked and fucks me in the front seat of my car. And from that moment on, our life has been fucking peaches.

[Dave Portnoy]

Wait, that's fucking awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And so we are. Now we are having, like, we have. We have had a. Almost like a rebirth of, like, without sounding creepy, but, like, I never talked during sex. I never spoke during sex. My whole life, I've never talked.

[Josh Richards]

Just a big grunter.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, that's the fucking.

[Dave Portnoy]

Or you. You were silent.

[Josh Richards]

Like a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like a tennis match. Yeah, we both grunted. Dude, that's funny as fuck.

[Dave Portnoy]

Is it heavy breathing?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, I just. I was. I wasn't comfortable enough to talk ever. I've never been comfortable enough to talk during sex. I've ever. I've never spoken to anyone during sex. I've. And I think it's just because I'm. I don't know. And. And all of a sudden, one day, my wife goes, hey, you're talking during sex. And I went, what? She was like, yeah, you're actually talking. And I was like. I felt like. That's when I felt like. I said to her one time, I was like, thank you so much for allowing me to feel completely free. Like, I feel. I feel so free with that woman that I can. I would never. I would never. One time. One time, I said to my wife, I was like, is when we were at our old house. I don't know why that's important to the story, but we were in our old house. It was a smaller house. Both girls were down the hallway, and I said, hey. Like, we just. Very meat potatoes sexually. And I. And I said, hey. Well, I said, hey, do you want me to like, tie you up. She was like, no. Why? And I was like, nevermind. Okay. Nevermind. Never gonna suggest anything again. I don't like this feeling. And so I shut down. And so. And now we're at a place where it's like. I mean, like we made a joke. I said to someone the other day, and this is fucking. So this made me laugh so hard. I go, my wife said we should have sex in every room in our house now that no one's in there.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And someone goes, even your daughter's room. And Leanne goes, well, it's only awkward the first. And I fucking laugh. And we haven't had sex in my daughter's room. We would never. There are cats in there. I'm not getting in those fucking beds. But, yeah, it's been. And I don't think I want to go through that. I would never want to go through that.

[Dave Portnoy]

Here's the thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gotta be honest with you. I doubt I'd remarry. And I definitely wouldn't remarry. And I'll tell you why. I don't want to have to build the relationship. And I've been with this woman 22 years and I don't. I don't need to say anything. And she understands it.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. And you just get each other.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I don't want to have to fucking start over fresh.

[Josh Richards]

You'll never be able to rebuild 22 years again.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I don't have 22 years left. No. Start over with someone. I mean, she. She says things to me in shorthand that I don't need that. Need no explanation. Like. Like if she says specialty cocktail, I know everything that. That means that we are going to get in the hot tub tonight. We're gonna get naked, we're gonna have drinks out of this one little bartista thing we make. And then we're gonna end up in bed. We're gonna go watch Peaky. I know. Like just off of one thing.

[Josh Richards]

Cocktails, Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, it's like boogly. Yeah. I wouldn't want to build it all.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's cute.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or start with a 25 year old where I'm like, so you quicksand.

[Dave Portnoy]

Have you heard of it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Well, hopefully she doesn't die and you don't have to start over. So that's how this started, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, I think you'd probably.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pretty healthy.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's one of the people shouldn't, like, shouldn't think like that.

[Dave Portnoy]

Hey, guys, quick commercial break. Sick girls here. Look at me. I need to Pick me up. I need something to lift me up. You know what I can do that with? Hey, dude. Because this is brought to you by hey, dude. And they have the Austin lifts. So the Austin lift shoes, they have a platform, they have suede, they have leather, they have fuzzy. It's cool. It's amazing. They're also super comfortable and super lightweight. So they slip right on. You don't have to bend over, tie your shoes, slip right on. They look good with everything. They can be casual, they can dressed up, they can be dressed down. You can wear them as slippers. Whatever you want to do with hey dudes, you can do it. And everyone's wearing them. Everywhere I walk, I'm like, oh, hey dudes. Hey, dudes. Like I said, super comfortable and super versatile. So there's a shoe, there's a pair for everyone. And especially the Optum lifts. If you need a little pick me up. If you want to look taller, if your jeans are too long, throw on your Austin lift and you can go to heydude.com and pick up a pair of awesome lips right now. Okay, back to the show.

[Bert Kreischer]

She. We're in couples therapy right now, and this is. This pissed her off more than anything. I said, I'm gonna go in as a character. And she goes, she got really upset. I told her therapist this yesterday. We were in therapy yesterday. And I go, I'm gonna just go in as a subtle character that is just a little different than who I really am. And she goes, she got so pissed. She goes, you cannot do that. You have to go in and you have to make it work. So we go to our first couples therapy, right? And. And by the way, our relationship's fine. We're doing it preemptively because the girls left. Life's weird. We work together. I'm home now for the first time in 22 years. I'm home all the time. So we're like, yo, let's get into therapy and just get in front of any problems that would arise. So we go to our first couples therapy and I'm a little quiet because I don't. I'm nervous about therapy or whatever. And Leanne loves therapy. So she's talking and she's like. And then I said, I said something like, I'm very self correcting. And Leanne goes, hold on, no, that's not true. Hold on. And she interrupted me and therapist kind of wrote it down in her book. And then I said something again. And Leanne, she corrected. Leanne stopped me and corrected me again. And the lady wrote it down in her book. And as I went to speak, Leanne goes, hold on one second. And the therapist goes, do you ever let him finish his sentences or does he ever get to talk? Now, mind you, you guys have said nothing this entire interview, Okay? I talk non fucking stop. No one gets a word in with me, including my wife. And now I have a therapist who believes I'm a brow beaten husband who doesn't get a voice. And my wife, it was like, you ever seen Iverson cross up someone? And they're like. She was like, no. And I watched her. We talked about this in therapy yesterday. I watched her see a false reality being created. Hold on. No, no. And we got out of that therapy. I was like, I fucking smoke. I smoked you. I smoked you. I go, I won the first one. She goes, it's not a contest. I go, but if it was, I won. And then I. And then I won the second one. No, the second one was a tie. Third one I fucking got destroyed. The third fucking therapy, I got fucking beat. Do you know what a trauma state is?

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, so like. Okay, so say. I'll just put it. This will be easier to wrap it in. So say. Say you're reading comments about a post and someone's comments about your ex break up and says something very specific to something you always heard or felt as a child, and it puts you into a trauma state. Well, I had something that's happened to me that put me into a trauma state, and I didn't know where it was from. And Leanne knew, and the therapist knew, and I didn't know it was my relationship with my dad. And I was like. And I was like, huh? And I just. I shut down. And I remember my therapist goes, do you want to cry? And I was like, I don't fucking cry about that. And I was like, bad. I got smoked. And then I fucking. And then I had to do a podcast with Travis goddamn Barker five minutes after, and I looked at my wife and the therapist. I was like, real fucking cool, guys. Real cool. And then Leanne, Leanne goes, hey, I just want you to know about therapy. I fucking won. I was like, oh, bitch. Yeah, that's good, though.

[Dave Portnoy]

You found out something that you needed to find out.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's not good.

[Dave Portnoy]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like someone going like, I have anxiety. Can you help me? And they're like, yeah, you have anxiety and you're also gay. And you're like, oh, shit. Now I got two problems.

[Dave Portnoy]

One problem.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now I have two fucking Problems how?

[Dave Portnoy]

You're find out more problems about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. So. And I was like. And I was just. It sucked. It sucked. And then everything shows up. And then it's like, everything shows up. And it's like, you get this one issue and you identify it, and then all of a sudden you start seeing it all over the place and you're like, oh, fuck, I'm broken. And I didn't realize I was doing this all the time. And oh, my God, what the fuck?

[Dave Portnoy]

And you analyze everything you've ever done, ever, and every decision you've ever made.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then one time you're at a Grateful Dead tribute concert last week and you hit your vape pen and then it happens at the table and you're like, oh, my God, what the fuck?

[Dave Portnoy]

I need to cry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I don't want to cry about it, but it just angers me. It's like frustrating.

[Dave Portnoy]

You can feel it balling up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. And then. And then. Yeah. But yesterday's therapy was really good because we talked about it and then we realized this was really fucked up. So Leanne can put me into my trauma state sometimes, but what's worse is I found out yesterday I put her in her trauma state. Oh. I was like, oh. And I was like, wait, hold on, am I doing something bad too? And Leanne's like, oh, our therapist. Like, this is really good. And I was like, oh, fuck. So, yeah, so it's kind of good. It's healthy to work out. Do you love that? I love that. Your audience is like, I'm so sorry. Am I listening to a 50 year old alcoholic talk about his couples therapy with his menopausal wife? Guys, I want to know what's going on with Dochi. What's going on with Dochi?

[Dave Portnoy]

I think people will love it. Honestly, this is a great episode. But tell us a little bit about the new special coming out before we wrap up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's, you know, I think it's. I don't know how. I've done a few. So this is my fourth at Netflix. I have six total, I think. And so, yeah, and this one is. Okay, two things. I noticed that I was looking at all my specials. If you look at all my thumbnails, they're all kind of identical. It's me with jeans and no shirt. And I was like, yo, I gotta, like, I gotta spice it up. So I.

[Josh Richards]

You did, George, this time.

[Dave Portnoy]

No pants.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no. It's a beautiful outfit.

[Dave Portnoy]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

That I had custom made. I had three of Them made. And I think it's very snazzy.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, okay, it's snazzy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And so. And so that's. For one. So it'll look different than the other ones. But secondly, I worked harder and longer on this one than the other ones. And not saying that that's not. That's kind of inaccurate, but, like. So I did, like, probably the biggest tour of my life over the last two years, and just a legit world tour, but in arenas. And I found that in arenas, you're playing to the cameras. You're playing to the big screens. People just watch the screens. They don't look at you unless you're in the front row. And sometimes in the front row, they're just looking like this. So what I noticed was that in these shows where I was in theaters and larger movements were working, what I was noticing, these arenas, is that the smaller movements were working better for the screen. So I think this will be my best Netflix special, because I've been playing to a screen this whole time, which is exactly what you do in a Netflix special. Yeah. Secondly, so I formed my specials differently, and for whatever I heard a long time ago, when I did my first Secret Time, they brought me in and they're like, yo, your rate of retention was, like, the highest we've ever had. It was a huge number watching. But your rate of retention was like. Like 95% of the people that started it finished it. And I was like, really? And they're like, that's unheard of.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so. But I did that on purpose. What I realized I was talking to Chris D'Elia, and he said that no one watched his closer. And he's like, yeah, they only watched 30 minutes. And I heard that. And I went, well, then I'll put my closer at 22 minutes. So I took my closer for that special at 22 minutes and put it there. And then what that did, in effect, was people got to where they would turn it off, but they just heard the best joke I had, and then, fuck, let's watch the whole thing.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. And then this one, I'd even argue Chappelle kind of broke the code. He put kicker in the pussy as his first joke. And I just was like, bro, like, Anthony Jeselnik did that too. He did the. Did he call you a cunt joke. Have you ever heard that? He goes, oh, this is such a good joke. I'm not gonna do it. Fuck it. I don't care. Anthony will tell it. Just go watch his special. That's what I should do. Go watch Anthony's special. One of them, and it's the best joke is right up front. It's the first joke. So I made my first four minutes just as tight and hard as I could. And so the first four minutes hopefully get you so excited that you keep watching at least up to 22 minutes where I have one of my closers. And then I took a closer that I had that I would just fuck around with. And I couldn't do all the times. It was very emotional and it would get me emotional and sometimes I cry. So I couldn't do it all the time. But I told it one time and like dudes were coming up and they were like, bro, I was sobbing, crying. And like in the best way, it's a story about my dog passing away. Oh, I get emotional talking about it, but, but, and so I closed on it. But I couldn't do it all the time because it would make me emotional. I didn't want to deal with that all the time.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what I did is on this special is like, I just go, you know, I'll try it because I did six shows, I'll try it on one of the shows, see if it works. And if it works, we got it. And it worked. And. And we got it. And I told another story that I didn't expect to tell like randomly about Snoop. And. And so, yeah, so I think this special is gonna be pretty fucking.

[Dave Portnoy]

It sounds awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I call it lucky because I'm the luckiest man in the world. And this is how much I believe in luck. I travel with.

[Dave Portnoy]

A grenade.

[Bert Kreischer]

I travel with pennies everywhere.

[Dave Portnoy]

Everywhere you go, pennies.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I drop them all over the place so that people find a penny.

[Josh Richards]

And go, hey, good luck. Yeah, Nice.

[Dave Portnoy]

And they're cursed.

[Josh Richards]

I haven't seen those since I've been at my grandparents house. I know little like rolls of money.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a ton of these. So I drop them all over the city. I just drop them everywhere. The best is the first day I got him. Everyone in our office is like, hey, Bert, did you put a penny in front of my car? Yes, you got it. But it's really great if I see a penny, like my thing, I have OCD's and one of my OCDs is if I see a penny, it's gonna be awesome. If I spit on a crack, it's gonna be awesome. If I spit on a crack, it's. Everything's great. Everything's peaches. And so I'm like, And so when I shot hey, big boy, or. Or maybe hey, big boy, I think it was, hey, big boy. I got out of the. I shot in Cleveland. I got out of the car, and I was nervous. I was really nervous for that one because I shot four. But the first two I had mustered on my jeans on one, I was like, what the fuck? And so I got out of the car, and there was a penny right outside where we parked, where I got. When I got out of the car, it's the first thing I saw. I was like, that's gonna be fucking awesome. I was like, that's great. And I did it. I'm murdered. I murdered. And then that night, we're pre. We're partying after, and I'm like, dude. And I go, you know how I knew it was gonna be a good show? And my cousin Andrew goes, you found a penny, didn't you? I went, I did. Did you see that? He goes, I put it there. That's awesome. He's like, I was putting pennies everywhere, hoping you'd see them. I was like, nice. I believe in luck. I'm the luckiest fucking guy in the world. I am the luckiest. I'm the luckiest guy. Think about this. Ready? I'm the luckiest guy. College. For seven, six and a half years, Rolling Stone discovers me, calls me the number one party animal in the country. Oliver Stone. Options. Rise to my life. I moved to New York. Within six months of doing New York, Will Smith happens to his team, happens to see me do stand up. I get a six figure deal. I move out to Hollywood. I then get another six figure deal. I get a TV show. I get a show called Hurt Burt. I then lose it all. Meet the perfect woman I could ever meet. When I have nothing. She's only there for me, that I make it all back. I get on a travel channel. I keep working. I randomly tell a story about getting involved with the Russian mafia on my buddy Joe's podcast, who happens to become the biggest podcaster in the fucking world. I make a movie out of that one story that you want to know. You want to know luck. So I tell them what Russia this is, luck. I tell the Russian mafia story on Joe's podcast. He tells me, you got to start telling that on stage. I start telling him on stage. And then finally, I do the Machine special for Showtime. No one watches it. No one watches it. So I post on December 27, I post that Russian mafia story on my Facebook. At the second I post it, I post it, and A woman in Minnesota happens to be unpacking her iPad and uploading Facebook to her iPad, and the first thing that comes up on her Facebook is that Russian mafia story. That woman then writes as one of the first comments that you will see when you see that video. This story is 100% true. I was in Russia with Bert. He fucking robbed us.

[Dave Portnoy]

Shut the fuck up.

[Bert Kreischer]

That story then goes viral because that one goddamn comment. Tell me I'm not the luckiest motherfucker you ever met. A penny. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

And tomorrow, I'm gonna bench £320 in front of Bustle with the boys. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

And that's Bert Kreischer, bitch.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's great.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's a good ending.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

[Josh Richards]

See you tomorrow.

[Bert Kreischer]

My ass is so sweaty right now. It got so hot. I was like, kids are sweating.