← Bill Monty's Guide For Getting Older: Aging, Living Well, and What Comes Next
Bill Monty's Guide For Getting Older: Aging, Living Well, and What Comes Next
Making Amends: Using the 12 Steps for a More Fulfilling Life
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Hello, and welcome to Bill Monte's Guide for Getting Older, the podcast not about being old, but about the adventure, the journey, the experience of getting older. It's the show where we talk about the lessons that life teaches us, whether we ask for them or not. Thanks for hitting play. Let's get started. Today we continue our journey through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Well, actually, it's the 12 steps that came out of that program, but we are not using them specifically as a recovery program for addiction, but as a roadmap for becoming better human beings as we age. Now, once again, a disclaimer. I am not a physician. I am not a therapist. If you are struggling with addiction of any kind, please consult a professional. Now, over the last few episodes, we've talked about taking an honest look at ourselves. We examined resentment, pride, fear, selfishness, and the stories that we tell ourselves. We explored what it means to take a moral inventory. And if you tried it from our last episode, then you know that's not easy work at any age. But today, well, we're going to try something that might be even harder. What do we do with what we discovered in that moral inventory? Because it is one thing to admit we've made mistakes. It is another thing entirely to try and repair the damage. So today we're talking about what in recovery programs are called steps eight and nine. First, step eight, you made a list of all persons you had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. And step nine, make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Now, look, even if you've never been inside an AA meeting in your life, there is incredible wisdom here for anybody trying to grow older with dignity, peace and self respect. Because if you live long enough, no matter how hard you try to be good, you have hurt people. Not always intentionally. Sometimes it was through anger or neglect. Maybe we were kind of immature. Maybe we were overwhelmed trying to survive our own lives. And sometimes maybe it was because we simply didn't know any better at the time. But one of the things about growing older is that age has a way of shining a spotlight backward. You begin remembering things differently. You think about the friend you never called back, the child you weren't emotionally available for, the marriage where you stopped listening. Maybe you had a sibling with a relationship that dissolved over pride or some other silly reason. A co worker that you undercut, a parent that you judged too harshly before you understood how difficult life really was. Getting older can feel like opening dusty boxes in the attic of your life. And sometimes what you find in those boxes can hurt. But here's something you should know about steps eight and nine. They're not really about shame, even though they might produce that feeling. They're about freeing yourself. A lot of people think making amends means saying I'm sorry. And sometimes it does. I'm not saying it doesn't. But a true amend is deeper than an apology. See, an apology says, I regret what happened. And amend says, I understand the harm. And I'm trying to live differently now. I want to live differently now. There's a huge difference there, because we've all heard apologies that didn't mean much. You've heard them. I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry, but I'm sorry. Now can we move on? Those are not healing words. Real amends require something we've talked about before. When talking about these lessons, they require humility. And humility is one of the hardest things for human beings to learn, especially as we age, because by the time we're older, we've built identities around ourselves. We've become attached to being right, attached to our version of events, attached to our justifications for things that we do. But here's the thing. You see, growth often begins the moment we stop defending ourselves. Because one of the most powerful things a person can say is, you are right, I hurt you. No excuses, no rewriting history, no blame sharing. Just honesty. And honesty can heal things that pride never could. Now, let's be clear about something. Not every relationship can be repaired. Some people are gone. Some wounds run too deep. Some people are not going to want your reconciliation. And sometimes contacting someone again would reopen pain rather than heal it. That's why step nine includes the words accept when. To do so would injure them or others. This is not about barging back into people's lives, demanding forgiveness so you can feel better. That's selfishness. That selfishness disguised as spirituality. Now, sometimes the amendment is direct. Sometimes it's quiet. Sometimes it's just living differently going forward. Maybe the person you hurt is no longer alive. You can still make amends. You can honor them by becoming the person that you should have been sooner. You can break cycles. You can treat people better. You can become kinder. Lord, if you've been listening to this podcast or my other podcast, Tales from South Florida, since the beginning, you've heard me urge at the end of every episode, be kind. You can become kinder and you can listen more. You can stop passing pain forward. That matters One of the great tragedies of life is how many people carry unresolved guilt into old age. And unresolved guilt can be exceptionally heavy. It follows people into retirement, into empty houses, into the holidays, and into sleepless nights. You know all those voices in your head as you're trying to go to sleep? There are people sitting in beautiful homes right now who are haunted by conversations they never had. Here's something that I've learned over time. Maybe you have, too. Time will not automatically heal regret. Sometimes time hardens regret. That's why courage matters. Making amends. Doing any of these steps that we've talked about up to this point, they take courage. Especially when there is no guarantee of forgiveness. You may call someone and hear silence. You might write a letter or send a text. Try not to send a text when doing this, but you might do that, and it never gets answered. You may say, I'm sorry. I could have done better. And you might hear, it's too late. I don't care. That's going to hurt. But the value of making amends isn't controlling the outcome. The value is becoming honest enough to try. One of the greatest gifts of getting older is realizing that we no longer have to perform perfection. When we're younger, we often want to look successful, strong and impressive, or always in control. Take my word for it. If you're not there yet, if you're younger, eventually life humbles everybody. Health scares humble us. Loss humbles usually. Aging humbles us. And if we let it, humility will soften us instead of harden us. You know, younger people sometimes think wisdom comes from knowing more. Real wisdom often comes from finally admitting what we don't know and what we got wrong. I think a lot of older people secretly wish they had apologized more quickly in life. Pride steals time. Time is the one thing none of us get back. If there's somebody you need to speak to, don't wait forever. That doesn't mean every conversation has to happen today, but willingness matters. Step eight says become willing. That's important. Willingness comes before readiness. You may not feel fully prepared. You may feel scared about this. You may not know the right words. But becoming willing cracks the door open. And once that door opens, healing has room to enter. But here's something I really want you to take away from all of this. If nothing else, in this process, you're going to need to make amends to yourself. A lot of people getting older are carrying deep disappointment about their own lives, the wasted years. Maybe you stayed too long in a toxic relationship. Or situation. Maybe fear stopped you from pursuing your dreams. Maybe you hurt yourself with bad decisions. I've talked about this before. Trust me. This is something I've learned In my almost 69 years on this planet. You cannot change the past. None of us can. But you can stop punishing yourself forever for being human. Growth is the amend. Learning is the amend. Living differently from this day forward is the amend. Being a better person, being conscious of your need to be a better person is the amendment. Sometimes grace means allowing yourself to become more than your worst moments. That's true for me, it's true for you. It's true for everybody. I think steps 8 and 9 here ultimately teach us something powerful. Peace comes from alignment. When our actions, values and conscience begin matching each other, life gets lighter, not perfect. None of this is going to bring about perfection in your life. Okay? It's not painless, but it can be lighter. Honestly, that might be one of the greatest goals of aging. Well, not pretending that we live flawless lives, but becoming people who are emotionally honest enough to clean up what we can. Listen, before we wrap this up today, I want you to think about one question. Who would you feel relieved to finally have a conversation with? Maybe it's someone else. Maybe it's yourself. Maybe today is simply the beginning of willingness, and that's enough. Listen, I want to say thank you for taking the time to join me on this journey of discovery. About the 12 steps again, I began this a while ago, actually, with a friend who was recovering from alcohol addiction. They had been through the AA program, and as I was telling them about the podcast, and we were talking about life in general, they turned me to the 12 steps, or the 12 traditions, as it's called in AA. And I thought, you know, this could be a really great way for us to all live our lives. If there's any unhappiness, if there's again those voices in your head at night, what could we do to overcome them? If these steps are powerful enough to turn around the life of someone who's battling addiction to alcohol and make their life better, then they're powerful enough to help us all in any situation. I'm not downplaying them for what they were created for. Please don't take it that way. I'm just saying, why can't we apply these same steps and traditions to our own lives for a better, more fulfilling life? And again, if you are battling addiction of any kind, please consult your doctor or a professional or seek out a group like Alcoholics Anonymous. I can tell you from looking at my friend, where they were and where they are. Miracles do happen. Listen, I want to thank you again for spending time with us today, for hitting that play button. That means so much. And if you're listening here to the end, I can't tell you how much that means. Because when you listen all the way through any podcast, not just mine, you're telling the platform you're listening on, this is good. This is important enough to stay. And that means they start sharing it in their algorithm with other people, putting it in front of their eyes and their ears. So if today's episode meant something to you, I ask you to please subscribe or follow to the podcast. Share it with someone who might need to hear it, and if you can listen, leave a comment or review. That also helps more people discover the show and something new. Friends, if these episodes or anything I've done, this podcast has meant something to you and you would like to support the podcast even more, well, I'm gonna tell you, you can buy me a coffee. You can do that just by clicking the link in the show notes, if you can. It's really appreciated because sitting in front of this computer making these episodes, I. I get tired. I could use some coffee. Click the link. And I do thank you for any support you give. Until next time. Remember, getting older is unavoidable. Growing wiser is optional. Until we speak again, my friends, I invite you to please be safe and be kind.
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If it's warm outside but you're feeling cold or not sure what to do without a friendly feeling his shoulder, you're not alone. So start feeling bolder. Welcome to Bill Monte's Guide for Getting Older.
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Hi, this is Bill Monte inviting you to take a talk down memory lane on the podcast Tales from South Florida, where we dive into the people, places and events that make our corner of the Sunshine State unlike any place anywhere. So sit back, grab your headsets, get a slice of key lime pie, and come along for the ride. Full episodes, music videos and more are available at talesfromsouthflorida.com Tales from South Florida, where the stories meet the sea.