How Would Phil Design a DEI Training Program?

Summary

Black and White Advice Episode: How Would Phil Design a DEI Training Program?
Hosts: Turner Sparks and Phil Duckett
Release Date: January 7, 2025

---

Introduction and Announcements

Turner Sparks and Phil Duckett kick off the episode with their signature humor, addressing the audience and introducing their roles alongside their producer, Joe Russell (affectionately nicknamed "Big Lube"). They make several announcements, including Phil promoting his newly released comedy special and Turner sharing his upcoming performances in Provo, Utah, and Newport, Florida. The hosts also mention their nascent Patreon, humorously acknowledging having only one subscriber named Tug, who receives priority in their Q&A sessions.

Notable Quote:

• Phil Duckett [02:25]: "I might call you the N word."

---

NY Times Etiquette for Restaurants Post-Pandemic

The hosts delve into a segment discussing the New York Times' recent take on restaurant etiquette in New York City, particularly focusing on the post-pandemic decline in manners. They critique the New York Times' claims, sharing their firsthand experiences from the restaurant industry.

a. Server vs. Busser Confusion

Phil and Turner humorously lament the confusion between servers and bussers in New York restaurants. They highlight how lack of clear uniforms makes it difficult for patrons to distinguish staff roles, leading to misplaced frustrations.

Notable Quotes:

• Phil Duckett [05:31]: "Tell them to kiss my ass."
• Turner Sparks [06:35]: "How are we supposed to know who's the server?"

b. Tipping Etiquette in 2024 NYC

The discussion shifts to tipping standards, where the New York Times suggests a 20% tip as the floor rather than the ceiling. Phil and Turner vehemently disagree, citing inflation and increased living costs that justify higher tips.

Notable Quotes:

• Turner Sparks [08:31]: "20% is more now than it was five years ago because things cost more."
• Phil Duckett [08:32]: "Pay what you can afford without going broke."

They also share anecdotes about the inconsistencies of tipping practices outside New York City, emphasizing regional differences.

---

Experiences Performing on the Road

The hosts share their challenges while performing stand-up comedy across different venues, particularly focusing on disruptive practices like check spots and dealing with latecomers.

a. Check Spots vs. Latecomers

Turner expresses a strong dislike for "check spots" (mid-show bill collection), preferring the frustration of latecomers over interrupting the performance flow.

Notable Quotes:

• Phil Duckett [15:33]: "That's what I want to know. You were talking about showing up late. I'm like, I'll take that over."
• Turner Sparks [16:11]: "Show up late. Because yeah, I've had it where I'm on the road and then all of a sudden... what am I supposed to do now?"

They discuss potential solutions, such as paying via QR codes after the show, to minimize interruptions and improve audience engagement.

---

Listener Questions and Advice

The core of the episode revolves around answering listener-submitted questions, blending humor with social commentary.

a. Manuel's Doritos Dilemma

Question:
Manuel from Tempe, Arizona asks what flavor of Doritos he should bring to a predominantly white holiday party, worried that white people can't handle spicy snacks.

Advice:
Phil suggests bringing "Spicy Nacho Doritos," asserting that "white people's palates can handle spicy nachos" ([18:05] Philip). Turner concurs by highlighting Cool Ranch as a safe bet.

Notable Quotes:

• Phil Duckett [18:05]: "Spicy nacho, you dick."
• Phil Duckett [18:29]: "Cool Ranch is gonna be white people's favorite."

b. Sean's DEI Training Conundrum

Question:
Sean from Oakland, California, critiques superficial DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) training at his workplace and seeks advice on making it effective.

Advice:
Phil mocks the ineffectiveness of standard DEI seminars and sarcastically suggests rebranding them to emphasize not getting "punched in the face," highlighting a lack of genuine engagement ([22:16] Phil Duckett).

Notable Quotes:

• Phil Duckett [22:16]: "How do I prevent myself from getting road hard and hung up wet from a minority at my job?"
• Turner Sparks [23:00]: "You've never heard of it, so clearly it's not working."

c. Trevor's Emoji Thumb Transformation

Question:
Trevor from Portland, Oregon, altered his thumbs to a darker color during the Black Lives Matter movement to appear as a good ally and wonders if reverting qualifies as racist.

Advice:
Phil condemns the gesture as superficial and misplaced, emphasizing authentic allyship over performative actions.

Notable Quotes:

• Phil Duckett [25:23]: "That is the dumbest shit I've ever heard."
• Phil Duckett [28:16]: "Is extremely racist. You want to be black, be black."

Turner shares a personal anecdote about others attempting similar superficial gestures, reinforcing the importance of genuine support.

d. Anjali's "Wicked" Movie Theater Experience

Question:
Anjali from Palm Beach, Florida, felt uncomfortable witnessing white attendees loudly singing along during a screening of "Wicked" and seeks advice.

Advice:
Phil dismisses the reaction, trivializing the behavior and suggesting that streaming at home would be preferable to disruptive public viewings.

Notable Quotes:

• Phil Duckett [29:05]: "I can assure you it probably wasn't that bad..."
• Phil Duckett [30:20]: "They almost killed your ass in downtown."

Turner counters with his own positive experience, illustrating the diversity of responses.

Notable Anecdote: Turner recounts attending "Get Out" with friends and engaging with enthusiastic, albeit disruptive, black moviegoers who enhanced their viewing experience through camaraderie ([30:23] Turner Sparks).

---

Fact Check and Closing Remarks

In their final segment, Turner and Phil engage in a playful fact-check, confirming the legitimacy of certain references made during the episode, such as Phil's association with "Phil from Chico."

Notable Quote:

• Phil Duckett [32:54]: "That's the show."

They wrap up by reiterating the importance of authentic advice and expressing gratitude towards their listeners and Patreon supporters.

---

Conclusion

Turner Sparks and Phil Duckett's episode on designing an effective DEI training program serves as both a comedic critique and a satirical take on contemporary diversity initiatives. Through humor and personal anecdotes, they highlight the superficiality and challenges of implementing genuine inclusivity in professional settings. The listener Q&A further underscores their commitment to addressing real-world issues with a blend of wit and candidness, making the episode both entertaining and thought-provoking for their audience.

Final Notable Quote:

• Phil Duckett [24:51]: "How do I prevent from getting my ass whooped?"

---

Disclaimer: This summary is based on a fictional transcript and is intended for illustrative purposes only.

Transcript

[Turner Sparks]

Is it racist that sometimes I send a black Santa emoji to you?

Santa was black, Turner. Santa was black.

[Phil Duckett]

Just when I think you can't get no whiter, you go and totally redeem yourself. Santa was black. Have you ever had a question you wanted to ask the opposite race, but you were too nervous to ask?

[Turner Sparks]

I'm Turner Sparks.

[Phil Duckett]

And I'm Phil Duckett.

[Turner Sparks]

And this is Black and White Advice.

[Phil Duckett]

Where we answer all your questions about race, even the scary ones.

[Turner Sparks]

This is Black and White Advice.

[Joe Russell]

You've got a question, but you're scared to ask. Just drop the boys a message. Cause they're up to now the test. They're rolling the dice. They ain't always nice but you can't think twice and give it Black and white advice. Black and white advice.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, everybody. Welcome to Black and White Advice. I'm Turner Sparks.

[Phil Duckett]

Phil Ducket, baby. Also known as the Real Deal. Phil the Thrill.

[Turner Sparks]

Phil the Thrill Ducket. We got Joe Russell, the muscle on the ones and twos.

[Phil Duckett]

Yes, sir.

[Turner Sparks]

Producing the show.

[Phil Duckett]

Big Lube.

[Turner Sparks]

We are back. We're ready to rock. Phil, we got a couple announcements before. What'd you just call him?

[Phil Duckett]

Big Lube.

[Turner Sparks]

Big Lube.

[Phil Duckett]

If you know Joe's real name, Big Lube is perfect.

[Turner Sparks]

What's your real name?

It's forbidden.

[Phil Duckett]

He doesn't want to talk about. He's like.

[Turner Sparks]

His real name is not.

[Phil Duckett]

He's like Cosmo Kramer. He don't want you to know his name's Cosmo.

[Turner Sparks]

It's not Joe Russell.

[Phil Duckett]

Nah, it's Big Lube. Now, the Big Lebowski, I've known him for seven years.

[Turner Sparks]

We got Big Lebowski on the Big.

[Phil Duckett]

Lebowski in the.

[Turner Sparks]

Best producer in the business.

[Phil Duckett]

Real shit.

[Turner Sparks]

And we said last episode, or maybe the episode before we officially launched our Patreon thing. And we have one subscriber. Look at that.

[Phil Duckett]

What up, my boy? What? His name is Tug.

[Turner Sparks]

His name is Tug.

[Phil Duckett]

Big Tug.

[Turner Sparks]

Tug in Utah. We are on our way. Tug's in. So that means you know what Tug gets. Tug gets priority. Any question he wants, it goes to the front of the list.

[Phil Duckett]

And Tug is my.

[Turner Sparks]

Yes.

[Phil Duckett]

I told him I was gonna drop it for you. Don't repeat that shit in Utah.

[Turner Sparks]

So join Tug, everybody.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, be like Tugboat. Pull us along.

[Turner Sparks]

Pull us along like Tugboat. So anyway, yeah, he. Whatever question he wants, go straight to the front of the list. And a couple more things. Phil, your comedy special is out right now.

[Phil Duckett]

It is, man. It's doing well. It's been about A. A little over a month.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

You know, I think we're, like, close to 15,000 views. I'll take it. Nobody knows me, so I'll take that. But push it for me, man.

[Turner Sparks]

Let's get that up. Yeah, let's get those numbers up. By next episode, I want to be 20,000 views.

[Phil Duckett]

I'll take it, guys.

[Turner Sparks]

Yes. So just go to what, YouTube.

[Phil Duckett]

YouTube. Type in Phil Duckett. You'll see. It'll pop right up.

[Turner Sparks]

All right. Speaking of Utah, I got a couple dates coming up. I will be in Provo, Utah, on February 1st. Provo, Utah. I'm filming a dry bar comedy special. You ever heard of dry bar comedy?

[Phil Duckett]

So everybody will be sober.

[Turner Sparks]

It's sober and it's clean.

[Phil Duckett]

Is this a special?

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, it's. It's a half hour.

[Phil Duckett]

They have 20 million. What?

[Turner Sparks]

Between their Facebook and their YouTube, they have 20 million subscribers. Followers.

[Phil Duckett]

First time I met you, you. You had a. Producing a show, and you were like, can you do clean comedy? And I didn't even know what the fuck that meant.

[Turner Sparks]

You didn't know what those words meant?

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, I was like, nobody. There's no such thing as clean comedy. Like, no, no cussing, nothing sexual.

[Turner Sparks]

You ever heard of Seinfeld again?

[Phil Duckett]

I don't watch Jerry stand up. I watch his show.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, okay.

[Phil Duckett]

But Regan. Yeah, but that's why I'm like, I, I, I was so. I don't watch that type of. I don't watch none of that. I watch only dirty comedy because that's who I am.

[Turner Sparks]

I like dirty comedy, too. I just like all comedy.

[Phil Duckett]

But no, it makes sense. No, but, no, I'm happy for you. But, yeah, you were the one who introduced me to clean comedy, and it showed me, like, maybe I can get a late night set after all, because I can do it.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, I was gonna say all late night comedy sets are.

[Phil Duckett]

Which is why I am stagnant sitting in the position I'm in.

[Turner Sparks]

Well, I'm stagnant, too, which just means I'm not funny.

[Phil Duckett]

So you need to start cussing. I need to go clean.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, yeah. That's the way to do it.

[Phil Duckett]

That's our brand.

[Turner Sparks]

February 1st, Provo, Utah. And you can watch the special taping live Febr 8th Newport. Richie, Florida. All right, let's get to the show. We. So we've done this in the past. This is headlines. We're. We're. This is ripped from the. The New York Times decides that they're the arbiters. Arbiters of etiquette. And we throughout the world. And they want people to know everybody's been acting stupid. And this is the way you got. Everyone has. You have to clean up your act. And earlier we did one on the summer party etiquette. How to go to a summer party. New York Times is back. This time they've interviewed restauranteurs around New York City, and they've decided that everyone post pandemic is. Their etiquette at restaurants is terrible. And so these are the restaurant tours telling us how to behave.

[Phil Duckett]

And I can agree with that, though people kind of lost it over Covid. And you've been. You were inside so long that you think what I do at home is acceptable.

[Turner Sparks]

Yes.

[Phil Duckett]

And we did forget the etiquette of society.

[Turner Sparks]

Well, and you've worked in restaurants.

[Phil Duckett]

I've worked in plenty of restaurants. And buddy. Yeah. You see some of it all. Yes.

[Turner Sparks]

Now, what position you worked at? You worked like server.

[Phil Duckett]

Server. Bartender. Mostly server, though. I've served thousands. I've been fired from every establishment in New York City, so I know a thing or two about bad etiquette.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, so New York Times etiquette for eating at restaurants. Just turn them on in case we need them. The buzzers. I don't know why we would need them. This isn't even a game.

[Phil Duckett]

I was like, okay, you never know.

[Turner Sparks]

When you want to knock somebody down. All right, here's their first rule for eating at a restaurant in New York City. It says, your busser is not your server. So please do not ask them to get you a drink.

[Phil Duckett]

Tell them to kiss my ass.

[Turner Sparks]

Agreed.

[Phil Duckett]

Because if my server is in the weeds, which happens when you. When you serve at a. At a restaurant, sometimes you can't control the dinner rush. You might get triple set, where you got three tables sitting down the exact same time. They all need waters, they all need cocktails. The bar's backed up. And then one table gets their food. We still haven't gotten our drinks to the other tables. If you don't think I'm be like, jorge, can I get some ranch? I'm just like. You know what I mean? Like, it's nothing personal.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

You know what I mean?

[Turner Sparks]

But it's random. We pick the name Rapido.

[Phil Duckett]

You know what I'm saying? Like, that's how it be sometimes. Like, I get that. And I'm delay and delay. See, that's racist.

[Turner Sparks]

Come on. That was a yes. And I was. These are the rules of comedy.

[Phil Duckett]

And they took you bait and switched.

[Turner Sparks]

I did.

[Phil Duckett]

I was like, look at you. Couldn't wait to Say it.

[Turner Sparks]

You could say rapper.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, on delay. You started it. Yeah, but I speak Spanish.

[Turner Sparks]

No, you don't.

[Phil Duckett]

I could.

[Turner Sparks]

What Spanish one voices he vistas High school.

[Phil Duckett]

French was the name of my textbook in high school, which I believe has come with me. But yeah, yeah, man, I know a little something.

[Turner Sparks]

I agree with you. I don't. How am I we supposed to know who's the server? I don't have a.

[Phil Duckett]

We are.

[Turner Sparks]

I don't have a PhD in restaurant.

[Phil Duckett]

Their uniforms are different.

[Turner Sparks]

I at every restaurant.

[Phil Duckett]

Majority is on the restaurants in New.

[Turner Sparks]

York City, they don't have a uniform because they're so cool, they don't wear one. But then I don't even know who works there half the time I'm asking somebody, I'm like, can I get another water? They're like, I'm waiting for the bathroom. I don't even work here.

[Phil Duckett]

You're that guy.

[Turner Sparks]

I'm every guy.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, no, I get that. Yeah. You're the guy who hands me his id, like, hey, can I get in here? I'm like, sir, I'm smoking.

[Turner Sparks]

So now I'm. Wait, you're not the bouncer.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, that's the way. That's the energy you give. Hey, man, I just want to come in for a minute. I don't fucking work here, shithead. Yeah, I've been there.

[Turner Sparks]

So how so I'm supposed to know who the busser is and who the server is and who the bar back is versus who the bartender is.

[Phil Duckett]

Me. Whoever's wearing an apron, wandering is going to get a question. That's how I do it.

[Turner Sparks]

I'm trying to agree with you.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm just saying there normally is a difference in uniform, but if I see an apron, I don't worry about the logistics of who does what. You can get the message to whoever got the ranch.

[Turner Sparks]

Yes.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, that's how I feel. So I'm with you.

[Turner Sparks]

So they're 0 for 1. New York Times idiots. All right, now this one's tipping. And we have talked about this in the past. That's why I wanted to do it. This is their etiquette for tipping in 2024 in New York City. They say good news, they present. This is good news. Good news. 20% is still acceptable, but it's the max. But let me keep reading. But it should be considered the floor at this point, not the ceiling. And then they interview this guy or this woman, Mrs. Mulgavesky. She says 20% is perfectly acceptable. If you have had a perfectly acceptable Sorry. Perfectly acceptable if you've had a perfectly acceptable dining experience. But if there were things that you really loved about it. Tip. More disagree.

[Phil Duckett]

Are these fucking.

[Turner Sparks]

So inflation is already through the roof, right? So the 20% is the floor. 20% is more now than it was five years ago because things cost more. So just basic math. Math. If something used to be $50, 20% would be, I don't know, $60. A $10 tip, right. If things are a hundred dollars now, 20 is not a ten dollar tip. It's a 20 tip. Listen, so everything's.

[Phil Duckett]

So pay what you can afford without going broke. Don't listen to these. I don't know what type of pretentious this is. Where 20 New York Times floor. Yeah, maybe we should start reading the New York Post because I don't want to hear that no more like, are you out of your 20 is the max you'll get from me. Unless, like I said, you got a nice pair of sweater puppies and I'm like trying to impress you and I'm like, take the 50. Yeah, but yeah, you think I'm just going to give some schmuck 40% of the bill? Like what are we doing?

[Turner Sparks]

Yes.

[Phil Duckett]

What have we done as a society?

[Turner Sparks]

And also the second you leave New York City, it goes down to 18, 15. We've talked about this before. I was just in Syracuse, New York. There were like 15 would be great.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

And everything's cheaper.

[Phil Duckett]

Exactly.

[Turner Sparks]

I don't know.

[Phil Duckett]

Okay, that's ridiculous.

[Turner Sparks]

Over two New York Times. Do you guys find this when you're on the road? I love, I love performing on the road. But there's always, there's always the commit. The, the comedian in my head that's on the road is the fat white guy with the beard who talks about food the entire time, not even on stage. I mean like in the green room is like, whoa, they got peanuts back here. Whoa. And then also then to half about the food that's in the whatever situation you're in. And the other half is about comic book movies. Like, bro, you've seen the Green Lantern, right? Like whatever, the new one that came out. And then they're blown away that you haven't seen it yet.

[Phil Duckett]

Normally it's not comic books, it's anime. The one I run into, the people, the anime people, the anime. And I've literally been in a room full of people just talking like, you haven't seen whatever, whatever. And I'm like, I'm like, no, I get pussy. So no, I don't really? I'm not familiar with the cartoons. I'm 36.

[Turner Sparks]

A lot of they're furious.

[Phil Duckett]

You got to get on that, man.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. And this person's in it. And that guy's. Can you believe they didn't put this guy the new Spider Man?

[Phil Duckett]

I literally said that a couple weeks ago. I was in a green room with a bunch of comments. They started talking and like. And they were going crazy. And they're like, phil, what do you think? I was like, I don't know.

[Turner Sparks]

This is every conversation.

[Phil Duckett]

And I was literally was like. I was like, this is what it must feel like to be a loser in high school. Like, I've never felt this left out of something in my life.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, that you were the loser. Yeah, that was the loser.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Cuz they're all.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, they were so excited. They're all talking about it. And I'm like. I'm like, literally like, what are y'all talking about?

[Turner Sparks]

It's like, you haven't seen Scent of a Woman Casino or something. But. But it's just the new Green Lantern. Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. So that makes it. I've done. I've been there. And it just shows. To show you, like, come. Comics are strange people. They're the worst strange people. Comic books.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, we got one more. This one says, try your hardest to arrive at the restaurant on time. I have no problem with that. And with your complete party.

[Phil Duckett]

Totally agree.

[Turner Sparks]

Said. The 15 minutes spent waiting for your complete party and the 15 minutes that it usually takes to get the table in order together adds up. And now you're pushing us back. You agree? I disagree. Why don't. Why does the whole party have to be there?

[Phil Duckett]

I don't know why they need to be there, but I'm a punctual person, so if you're going. If I tell you a time, be there on fucking time. Plus, I have been. I. My shithead friend Phil from Chico almost got almost shout out. I almost beat his ass one year for my birthday dinner. He shows up an hour late, blackout drunk. They didn't seat us for 50 minutes to the point where I told him he wasn't coming. This is our full party.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Please seat us. They seat us. He stumbles in another 15 minutes late, and then says, I'll just eat off everybody's plate.

[Turner Sparks]

No, he does.

[Phil Duckett]

Yes, Yes. I literally almost. So then they charge him. Because we are at Fogo de Chao, the Brazilian steakhouse. So it is a. They come around. So if you eat one piece, they charge you the full $80 yeah, it's.

[Turner Sparks]

An all you can eat.

[Phil Duckett]

So he gets charged. And he was like, I'm not paying that. I didn't eat anything. I literally almost stomped a mud hole in this motherfucker. I said, first of all, where this is an all black black table in this white ass restaurant. Then your white ass comes in here pulling this poor. I said, got us looking crazy when we all got money. But you're making a scene. He makes a scene.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, I know Phil.

[Phil Duckett]

I literally, like, they had to pull me away from. They literally. My boys escorted me out the restaurant. I was like, I'm gonna you up when I see you.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Duckett]

We didn't speak for like eight months after that. Other people's plates, not only over people place. He walked around the salad bar picking tomatoes. Swear to God, I said, this is the poorest I've ever seen in my entire life.

[Turner Sparks]

My mom does that with fruit at the grocery store. She'll take grapes.

[Phil Duckett]

And that's acceptable because who gonna stop you? But if fogo de chow when they got a million Brazilians watching you to charge you $80, you need to be correct.

[Turner Sparks]

You should go straight to Brazilian prison for that.

[Phil Duckett]

I was so. I've never been that Phil.

[Turner Sparks]

Is that the night Phil from Chico cut his sack on a fence?

[Phil Duckett]

Oh my.

[Turner Sparks]

This is a film from Chico episode that part out.

[Phil Duckett]

But no, those are years.

[Turner Sparks]

Because that's getting edit out. Let's just say that Joe just brought up a story that we cannot talk about about Phil from Chico.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. There's so many stories I feel for Chico you can't talk about, but that is top notch.

[Turner Sparks]

Are we 100? Sure. He didn't go after a healthcare CEO last week or whenever this came out.

[Phil Duckett]

In the Maurice and only split his scrotum. I doubt it. I doubt it.

[Turner Sparks]

The only thing I agree with is it arrive on time. But I don't agree with that your whole party arrive on time. I hate sitting there and they're like, you're waiting on this one guy. We won't see you till the one guy shows up.

[Phil Duckett]

But it goes back to up the flow of. Because if everybody's not seated and then you start putting in orders and now this guy comes in, we already about to be on appetizer. I got to go back and do an appetizer order when we already got the, you know, I mean, like, because, you know, a lot of these places, those type places, you only get like 90 minutes, maybe tops per table. So if I, if I. We have to. If you're not here. And then we have to wait and you start from the beginning and we're already 45, 50 minutes in.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, moving on. Yeah, I will say I don't like it when people show up late in the middle of comedy shows.

[Phil Duckett]

Well, yeah, that, that sucks too.

[Turner Sparks]

So if I'm on stage, I guess I get. Yeah, when I'm on stage. Yeah, no, I get it. Okay, fine. Moving on. Should we.

[Phil Duckett]

Do you prefer what people showing up in the middle of your set or a check spot during your set? Like they start dropping checks.

[Turner Sparks]

I would rather have people show up in the middle of my set. Okay, check spot in the middle of a stand up comedy show that should have gone away 40 years ago. Yeah, you can easily. So if you don't know what a check spot is, if it's when you're doing stand up and then an hour, 15 minutes into an hour, 30 minute show, they come out, everyone has to pay their bill for their drinks. I guess because they're concerned that when the show ends they won't have enough.

[Phil Duckett]

Time to run out, flip the room where people might leave and like ditch the bill.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, they do that because they do it on the road. When that's the last show of the night. Yeah, when you're at 10 o'clock on a Friday.

[Phil Duckett]

But it's the headliner they're dropping checks on in the city. They do it on an up and coming comic. It's a hard spot to do. But on the road I figured they think, well, he's a headliner, he can handle anything.

[Turner Sparks]

No, it's the worst.

[Phil Duckett]

You can feel the energy leave the room because people are not dumb. But it's hard to do math in your head.

[Turner Sparks]

Well, so for 40 minutes into your 45 minute set, everyone stops paying attention to what you're doing. Headlining on the road and getting the check drop down news. Awful.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, that's what I want to know. You were talking about showing up late. I'm like, I'll take that over.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, easy, easy. Show up late. Because yeah, I've had it where I'm on the road and then all of a sudden like you just lose the whole audience and you're. But you're in the middle of a bit and you go, why? Thought this was a good bit. And you look at, no one's paying attention. You're like, what am I supposed to do now? And all these comedians have told me like, dude, you got to come up with a, come up with a thing to do in the middle of your hour.

[Phil Duckett]

So Just stop the bit cold turkey. Like what's the deal with math? Yeah, exactly.

[Turner Sparks]

I'm like, no, that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, no, I get you on that.

[Turner Sparks]

Just do it at the end of the show.

[Phil Duckett]

I'm like, okay, I'm just curious.

[Turner Sparks]

There's a new club in Jersey, the Dojo Comedy, and they have that you pay with QR code after the show ends. That's it.

[Phil Duckett]

How do you stop people from ditching the bill?

[Turner Sparks]

They got to show the receipt on the way out.

[Phil Duckett]

Nice.

[Turner Sparks]

The comedy seller does the same thing.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Should we move on?

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, let's move on.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, we got people have questions and we got answers. So let's get to your black and white advice questions. Hey, you want to get bonus content early episodes and have your questions answered on the show?

[Phil Duckett]

Well, then subscribe to our [e-mail] blackandwhite advice and subscribe right now.

[Turner Sparks]

Do it and we'll give you a shout out on a future episode and.

[Phil Duckett]

I might call you the N word.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, we're back with your black and white advice, questions and answers. The first question comes from Manuel in Tempe, Arizona. Manuel Tempe, It's a great town right now.

[Phil Duckett]

ASU went. Good God.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, Arizona State University.

[Phil Duckett]

The most beautiful one I've ever seen.

[Turner Sparks]

I think so.

[Phil Duckett]

No, it's like they pulled him out of Playboy magazine, just threw them into real life, like live.

[Turner Sparks]

I don't somehow they've convinced people like so when I. On the east coast, people think that when you go to Arizona you're going to the west. They don't realize you're just going to like a sandbox. It's just the desert. There's no beach anywhere. But I don't think they totally know that. So all these beautiful women go out to Arizona being like, woohoo.

[Phil Duckett]

You think that's what it is? Because I'm like, I don't know how they got here, but they are smoke shows.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, there's something in the they are the brochure.

[Phil Duckett]

I've been out there to Tempe and Finks a couple times. I'm like, this is ridiculous.

[Turner Sparks]

First question from manuel. I'm a 19 year old Mexican guy. He says I'm going to a holiday party filled with white people and was asked to bring snacks. I'm usually a spicy Doritos guy, but this is tricky as I've been told that white people can't handle spicy food. What flavor of Doritos should I bring to be safe?

[Phil Duckett]

Spicy nacho, you dick. They're not flaming hot, so not that damn spicy. White people's palates can handle spicy nachos.

[Turner Sparks]

I don't think Manuel knows a lot about white people.

[Phil Duckett]

We didn't ask you to bring Takis. You know, I mean, I do like.

[Turner Sparks]

That he's narrowed it down. Doritos.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

He's for sure bringing Doritos. But what brand? So I have done. I've looked into some brand, some styles.

[Phil Duckett]

Cool Ranch is gonna be white people's favorite. You cut it off.

[Turner Sparks]

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Cool Ranch. Cool Ranches. Yeah. But as you get older, you want to elevate yourself. Bring a nice chorizo charcuterie or some shit like that.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, I mean, at least go by white people.

[Phil Duckett]

White people like exotic meats, you know? I mean, that's probably why they like your penis. So I feel like Manuel probably has.

[Turner Sparks]

A good salsa recipe in his family.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, I know. I love that. He's.

[Turner Sparks]

He says, spicy Doritos guy.

[Phil Duckett]

Call Abuela and be like, tell me how to make that sauce.

[Turner Sparks]

Well, here's what you don't. Here's. Here's what you don't bring. No, I've looked these up. No Flamin Hot lemons. That's a. That's a. That's a style of.

[Phil Duckett]

That feels racist as fuck. No Flamin Hot lemons for the white people. It's Limon. I'm Spanish.

[Turner Sparks]

You don't know what you're doing. Again. Voices he vistas.

[Phil Duckett]

Freshman year. It's Limon.

[Turner Sparks]

What'd you get? A C?

[Phil Duckett]

I actually did get a C. I knew it. Yeah. Matter of fact, the reason I didn't graduate high school on time, I had to take summer school, and I lost my scholarship to play football because I failed my 12th grade Spanish class by a point and a half. I had a 67. You needed a 69.5 to graduate. And this motherfucker would not give me that point and a half. He said you didn't earn it. He was a new teacher, high school.

[Turner Sparks]

And he knew he was taking away your football scholarship.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, he was like. He was like, I gave you ample opportunities to change your score, but he was fresh out of, like, the Citadel Military college.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

It was his first year, and he was a real hard ass.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

And I remember I. That was probably the first time I ever, like, genuinely considered up a school.

[Turner Sparks]

Okay. All right.

[Phil Duckett]

Okay. Anyway, maybe edit that part too.

[Turner Sparks]

No Flamin Hot lemons. No. Apparently there's a spicy mustard brand. Don't bring that. And there's also one salsa verde of Doritos. Here's what you do.

[Phil Duckett]

No, I eat salsa verde.

[Turner Sparks]

Nothing that's in Spanish. That's going to be spicy. You are for the white people.

[Phil Duckett]

Slippery slope.

[Turner Sparks]

What are you talking about?

[Phil Duckett]

Doesn't that all Spanish snacks are forbidden at a like social party.

[Turner Sparks]

These are brands of Doritos.

[Phil Duckett]

These are flamin'hot Doritos are good.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, but he's saying he doesn't want to bring spicy for white people.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, so you're saying all the. Oh, I thought you were saying this wasn't acceptable. I was like, okay, I'm saying four white people go with cool ranch or regular nacho cheese.

[Turner Sparks]

There's a couple other styles you might want to consider that I've sweet chili.

[Phil Duckett]

That sweet chili shit is good. They like those.

[Turner Sparks]

It has the word chili in it, but it's sweet.

[Phil Duckett]

It's sweet. Sweet Thai chili.

[Turner Sparks]

The Doritos, the purple there is one that's just ketchup flavored Doritos.

[Phil Duckett]

Not in America. Those are European. I've seen them. They don't sell them in America.

[Turner Sparks]

Are you sure?

[Phil Duckett]

I'm pretty sure.

[Turner Sparks]

According to the Internet they do. And there's one that's Mountain Dew flavored Doritos. I think that's white people.

[Phil Duckett]

Take it to the trailer park. Mountain Dew flavored anything is straight section 8. Go ahead and get your food stamps ready.

[Turner Sparks]

White trash.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh my God, I can smell them.

[Turner Sparks]

I remember going over to kids houses growing up and they're in the fridge would just be all 2 liter bottles of Mountain Dew.

[Phil Duckett]

Well, it's like Ricky Bobby's parents would.

[Turner Sparks]

Have like Mountain Dew mustaches.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh yeah, yeah, I used to. You can always tell like somebody's social status. Like the kids who walked around with the red Kool Aid lips. Y'all are poor.

[Turner Sparks]

Those kids smell bad.

[Phil Duckett]

Y'all are poor.

[Turner Sparks]

They like ripped jeans before they always knew. Usually a mullet.

[Phil Duckett]

Old Connor.

[Turner Sparks]

His name, Connor, with the Kool Aid mustache. Some type of a sunburn.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Eating fucking SpaghettiOs out the can. You knew the type of household it was.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, next question. All right, here's a good one. This is from Sean in Oakland, California. Sean says we have DEI training at work and it's basically become the new version of sexual harassment in the workplace training. Everybody gets the one day seminar. Our company can check a box that they've did it and then we move on. My question is to make it effective. How would Phil Design a real DEI program that actually made white people listen.

[Phil Duckett]

I guess I need to know what the fuck DEI is. Fucking answer. Like, what is that? Like a CDL license?

[Turner Sparks]

You don't know what it means? It means diversity, equity and inclusion.

[Phil Duckett]

You've never heard of them ass little seminars they make you do to make everybody feel good?

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's to make you feel like I could give you. I have some. I looked up what DEI training they do now, and we can see how you might spin it. So basically it's this thing that. I think it came out of the. Yeah, no, no, no. Like the. The Black Lives Matter protest. 2021. 20, 2021. And then all the corporations decided, well, we're gonna. So we're like good people now, and we're just gonna give people training on how to talk to black people, essentially.

[Phil Duckett]

Has it worked yet? Because I haven't seen it.

[Turner Sparks]

You've never heard of it, so clearly it's not working.

[Phil Duckett]

How would I make a DEI program that they could use that would actually.

[Turner Sparks]

Help white people as opposed to. What would you tell white people as a way to better communicate with black people? As opposed to this seminar is the question.

[Phil Duckett]

I would say if you're white and trying to be, I think you should just go by this rule. What? What? What? How do I word something to a minority that won't get me punched in the face? I think that's the best way to look at it. Like, is this putting me at risk? Is this putting me at risk of getting dog walked at my office? I think that's the perfect way to put it. How do I prevent myself from getting road hard and hung up wet from a minority at my job? That's all you gotta ask yourself. It's like the WWJD question.

[Turner Sparks]

What would. Jesus.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. What would a white person do?

[Turner Sparks]

Yes.

[Phil Duckett]

You want to say, wow, if I was black, would I actually don't think like that. Because I don't. Y'all don't. Y'all don't be offended by enough shit. You'll be like, no, that didn't seem that bad.

[Turner Sparks]

What about this? How would I act if I'm sitting across the table from 1980s Mike Tyson?

[Phil Duckett]

Right. Every black person is Mike Tyson. How would I speak to him?

[Turner Sparks]

I mind my.

[Phil Duckett]

That is the way to do it.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

How do I talk like I'm speaking to a black person from Brownsville.

[Turner Sparks]

Yes.

[Phil Duckett]

That is probably the best.

[Turner Sparks]

I'm incredibly nervous, as.

[Phil Duckett]

You should be polite.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, whatever you need, Mr. Tyson. Compliment everything yeah, because if I don't, I'm gonna get punched.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, I'm gonna shatter your fronts.

[Turner Sparks]

Yes.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, I think I like that.

[Turner Sparks]

That's a way better.

[Phil Duckett]

Treat Everybody like their 1980s Mike Tyson. Not only could I get my ass beat, he could take my ass.

[Turner Sparks]

No matter what he looks like. If he's the fat kid, if he's the, you know, the. The whatever, he has glasses. Who cares? He's Tyson.

[Phil Duckett]

I like that.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, that should be the seminar.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

I feel like you can make 100 grand a class teaching these, going to Apple, Google, all these corporations.

[Phil Duckett]

How do I prevent. From getting my ass whooped?

[Turner Sparks]

Yes. Yeah, done.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, I think that's a good point.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, next question. This is Trevor in Portland, Oregon. Trevor says I'm a 40 year old white man. During the Black Lives Matter movement, I changed my thumb. Like online, on Facebook, whatever, or I guess texting. I changed my thumb to a darker color in order to be a good ally.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, he's on the emojis.

[Turner Sparks]

Emojis.

[Phil Duckett]

The thumb emoji made a black emoji.

[Turner Sparks]

Trevor made a black emoji in Portland, Oregon, to be a good ally.

[Phil Duckett]

That is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Well, why would you do that?

[Turner Sparks]

He said to be a good ally.

[Phil Duckett]

That's not being an ally.

[Turner Sparks]

That not help.

[Phil Duckett]

That's being Rachel Del Doza. What do you mean you don't. We don't need you to be black. To be an ally. Be your white self and. And speak out when you hear fucked. That's the only thing y'all got this whole ally thing up. We don't need you to go get dreads, all right, and put a gold grill in to be like, I'm one of y'all now. Like, we're good. Yeah, bro, that is crazy to even think that's, like, acceptable. Like, I don't even know why you would think it's a black thumb.

[Turner Sparks]

Can I tell you something? I know a lot of people who did that.

[Phil Duckett]

You did.

[Turner Sparks]

I did not do it. I stayed with the Homer Simpson yellowish weird one. But no, I know a ton of. Not only that, there was a yellow. Well, it was all the original was yellow. Right? So I just didn't. I didn't go white. I feel like the people who go.

[Phil Duckett]

White and like, supremacists.

[Turner Sparks]

That's also odd because the yellow one, we just assume. You assume the Simpsons are white people and the original emoji thumb was a white. It was a yellow. Oh, you're assuming.

[Phil Duckett]

I thought that Was for Asian people. I was like, they had to be inclusive, so they kept the yellow.

[Turner Sparks]

Maybe it is. Maybe it was they. Maybe it was them saying, so it.

[Phil Duckett]

Is acceptable for you to have yellow because of your marriage? You know, I mean, like, it's my wife's Chinese one unit.

[Turner Sparks]

Maybe the original thing from Apple, whoever created that emoji was like, listen, you got. There's millions of Asian people, there's millions of white people. We create this one that's going to cover most.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, most of them work here. And yellow works.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, we'll figure it out down the road.

[Phil Duckett]

No, no, but changing your thumb to black is nuts. I thought he meant. When you said thumb. I thought he meant his profile picture to blm.

[Turner Sparks]

No, he meant his emoji thumb.

[Phil Duckett]

If I was his friend, I'd have been like, the fuck are you doing?

[Turner Sparks]

You never got a text from a white person who. You're like, hey, you want to meet up at noon? And they. They go, yes, but they just do the thumb and it's black.

[Phil Duckett]

One time it happened and I was like, the fuck is that? That was my response. The fuck is that?

[Turner Sparks]

And they responded, what? I'm. This didn't help.

[Phil Duckett]

They were like, I just want you to know, like, no doubt. I was like, we're not that down.

[Turner Sparks]

Is it racist that sometimes I send a black Santa emoji?

Santa was black, Turner. Santa was black.

[Phil Duckett]

Just when I think you can't get no whiter, you go and totally redeem yourself. Santa was black. As a matter of fact, have you ever been to a mall and seen a black Santa? It is the greatest thing I love.

[Turner Sparks]

I have not, but I would love.

[Phil Duckett]

To, because it enrages white people. They get enraged.

[Turner Sparks]

A fictional character.

[Phil Duckett]

You thought it was bad when they made the mermaid black. Ol. St. Nick, being a Negro, it touches the soul.

[Turner Sparks]

Come on, kids, we're going to the car.

[Phil Duckett]

Let's go back. We don't want any fucking Newports.

[Turner Sparks]

So the question is, so he says, during Black Lives Matter movement, I changed my thumb to a darker color in order to be a good ally. Now that the movement is over, if I change it back, is that racist?

[Phil Duckett]

Is extremely racist. You want to be black, be black.

[Turner Sparks]

That's what I did.

[Phil Duckett]

Don't be black. When it's convenient. Be black all the time.

[Turner Sparks]

You don't see Dolezal saying, oh, now I'm white. No, because the movement.

[Phil Duckett]

She is. I'm talking. She stayed in it.

[Turner Sparks]

She's full on.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, yeah, for sure. No, she's.

[Turner Sparks]

If anything, I Have more respect for her now.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, yeah. No, she has a full blown mental illness. This and the thing. I can respect that. I can respect that.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, last question. This is from Anjali in Palm Beach, Florida. She says I. So she's Indian. She's like, I'm an Indian girl. I went to see Wicked in the movie theater. So that's that play on Broadway. They're doing the movie. I went to see Wicked in the movie theater and white people were singing along to the songs in the theater. I sat there steaming because I didn't want to get kicked out and now I feel like a loser for not doing anything about it. What should I have done?

[Phil Duckett]

Why was she steaming?

[Turner Sparks]

Because they were singing along throughout to all. It's a musical.

It's a huge issue because there's so many super fans of this movie.

Yeah. So it's a play. Weekend's a Broadway play where they flip the idea of Al. Is it Alice in Wonderland?

[Phil Duckett]

No. Wizard of Oz.

[Turner Sparks]

Wizard of Oz. They flip wizard of Oz. What if the Wicked Witch is the good per. I haven't seen it. I don't know. It's something like that, right? And now they turn that Broadway play into a movie.

[Phil Duckett]

So Ariana grand is Dorothy. No.

[Turner Sparks]

Is that true?

[Phil Duckett]

No, she's.

[Turner Sparks]

She's the. The good witch. The pink witch with the pink dress. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, and now all these super fans are going to see it in the movie theater. And Anjali says that they're all singing along, which I've heard other places too. They're singing along to all the songs, but if you haven't seen it, you're just hearing these idiots behind you sing. When you want to see the movie.

[Phil Duckett]

I say, then wait for it to come out on Amazon and stream it at your house because. What do you mean? What do you want people to do? People that. First of all, you think that's tough? Go to a movie full of black people, baby. You only hear the first three lines. All right, so it's just one of them things. So I can assure you it probably wasn't that bad because I've quit going to black movies on opening night because it's impossible to know what the fuck's going on. All you hear is, run, bitch. You're like, jesus, did I ever tell.

[Turner Sparks]

You I saw get out at the movie theater?

[Phil Duckett]

I know. They almost killed your ass in downtown.

[Turner Sparks]

No, no, no, no. They were. They. So it was, it was. It was downtown Brooklyn. I would say 90% black people. Me and Joe Schaefer go We just moved to America. We'd been in China for 12 years. We go to see get out, and sitting next to us is three older black women. I'd say in their 50s, mid six, maybe early mid-50s. They sit down. First of all, they go, hey, you guys want to drink? And they get out, like, flasks. They each have a flask, and they start passing us, like, wine or whatever, you know, rum and tequila. And so we're drinking with them. And then as the movie starts, get out. It's a black guy who goes to a white neighborhood, right? The entire time, everyone's screaming the movie. It's hilarious. We love it. And then at the end it. And they're also, like, grabbing us. The lady next to me keeps grabbing me for the scary parts. I met her 10 minutes ago. She's grabbing my hand like, oh, no.

[Phil Duckett]

That'S your black auntie now.

[Turner Sparks]

And then at the end of the movie, they go dead serious. This lady says to me and Joe Shaver, she goes, tell me the two of you. Neither one of you is married to a white woman. And I said, sister, I got good news.

[Phil Duckett]

Sister, I got good news is ridiculous.

[Turner Sparks]

I said, my wife is Chinese. And she goes, there you go.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, sister. And they got up and got news. And we high five. Sister, I got good news. Is the funniest response ever coming from you Now? I went and saw 12 Years a Slave with two white friends. By the end of movie, I looked at him and said, find your own. Couldn't even look at them.

[Turner Sparks]

They're like, how long is this movie?

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Oh, they were sweating. They were sweating down six months. You see what the y'all have done?

[Turner Sparks]

All right, we. We got one more question to get to, which we're gonna save for our Patreons for Tug and anybody who's joined in. Tug, if you join our patreon, we give you a shout out.

[Phil Duckett]

You get a personal question, man, you.

[Turner Sparks]

Get a question just for you for this week. It's just for you. And anybody who joins, you can join too. But before we get to that white lies and dark truce, this is our fact check portion of the show. What did we get right? What did we get wrong? Joe the Muscle Russell. What do we call him? The Big Lil what?

[Phil Duckett]

The Big Lew Bowski.

[Turner Sparks]

Lew Bowski.

Well, you guys were first talking about Phil from Chico, and I did a Google search. I did a Google search, and according to Google, that is something Phil would do.

That's the show.

[Joe Russell]

Everybody, you've got a question, but you're scared to ask? Just drop the boys a message? Cause they're up to the task? They're all in the dice? They ain't always nice? But you can't think twice and give it black and white and light.

[Phil Duckett]

Black.

[Joe Russell]

And white at ways.