Ray Zawodni: Pittsburgh's Working Class Hero

Summary

Summary of "Black and White Advice" Podcast Episode: "Ray Zawodni: Pittsburgh's Working Class Hero"

Release Date: January 21, 2025

Podcast Information:

• Title: Black and White Advice
• Hosts: Turner Sparks (White) and Phil Duckett (Black)
• Description: Comedians Turner Sparks and Phil Duckett tackle questions about race with humor and honesty. They encourage listeners to email their questions for insightful and educational discussions.

---

I. Introduction and Guest Overview

The episode begins with the charismatic hosts, Turner Sparks and Phil Duckett, setting the stage for an engaging conversation. They introduce their guest, Ray Zawodni, a comedian known for his working-class roots in Pittsburgh and his new comedy special titled "Must Be Nice." Ray expresses enthusiasm for being on the show, highlighting it as a fan favorite.

Notable Quote:

• Ray Zawodni [02:45]: "I was there for... I just texted him. We said this before. I said, you guys got something good here and this idea is great. In the wrong hands, could go awry."

II. Ray Zawodni’s Comedy Career and Challenges

The discussion shifts to Ray's foray into comedy and the challenges he faced during his early career. Phil shares his experience appearing on the Drew Barrymore Show, where a mishap involving his microphone led to an embarrassing moment live on air. Ray relates by recounting his own less-than-smooth appearance on the Kennedy Show on Fox Business, where his jokes about the Pizzagate conspiracy theory led to confusion and an abrupt end to his segment.

Notable Quote:

• Phil Duckett [13:00]: "I ripped my arm out on TV because I was literally about to have the clothes just dangling on my wrist."

III. Cultural Insights: Pittsburgh vs. New York

Turner and Phil delve into cultural differences between Pittsburgh and New York City. They discuss Pittsburgh's unique geography, featuring multiple rivers and iconic stadiums, and contrast it with the hustle and bustle of New York. Phil shares his admiration for Pittsburgh's beauty, while Turner remarks on the defensive reactions often encountered when returning after time away.

Notable Quote:

• Phil Duckett [05:10]: "I didn't know it was three."

IV. High School Experiences and Shaping Comedy

Ray opens up about his high school years in a predominantly black school, where the intense camaraderie and rivalry among students honed his comedic skills. He describes the cafeteria as a battleground where humor became a survival mechanism, allowing him to navigate and cope with teasing and social pressures.

Notable Quote:

• Ray Zawodni [18:22]: "There's no better roast than like a lunchroom cafeteria with five black teenagers."

V. Body Image and Its Role in Comedy

A significant portion of the episode addresses body image, particularly in the context of comedy. Phil and Ray discuss how being overweight has been both a source of humor and a challenge in their careers. They reflect on how society perceives body types and the stereotypes associated with them, emphasizing the need for comedians to embrace their physiques to deliver authentic and relatable humor.

Notable Quotes:

• Phil Duckett [26:08]: "Black culture runs the world. We are the trendsetters. We are the hippest."
• Ray Zawodni [30:07]: "If I can darken my skin up to make me look cooler, I'm gonna do that because I know white has such a bad current connotation."

VI. Listener Questions: White Tan Obsession and Jean Shorts

The episode features a dedicated segment where Turner and Phil answer listener-submitted questions. Two notable inquiries include:

1. Why do white people worry so much about being tan? Some of you look like Fanta.

   The hosts offer humorous and insightful explanations, blending cultural observations with personal anecdotes about tanning and body image.

   Notable Quote:

   • Ray Zawodni [23:50]: "Because, like, tan fat looks thinner than white fat."

2. I'm a Chinese American woman. My new boyfriend is white, and I just discovered a drawer full of jean shorts that he says he plans on wearing this summer. How do I stop this? And why do white guys wear jean shorts?

   Phil and Ray dissect the fashion preferences, offering both comedic banter and genuine advice on handling cultural differences in relationships.

   Notable Quote:

   • Phil Duckett [35:16]: "What it is, is embrace his culture. If he's comfortable enough to wear them, let him wear them. You already picked a loser. Let him wear it."

VII. "Fact-Checking" Segment with Joe the Muscle Russell

In this interactive segment, Joe the Muscle Russell joins the discussion to clarify misconceptions and provide factual corrections to previous topics. He addresses the inaccuracies surrounding the Pizzagate conspiracy, emphasizing the importance of factual accuracy over sensationalism.

Notable Quote:

• Joe the Muscle Russell [45:25]: "So actually, so what it is. Edgar Madison Welch, a 20-year-old man, arrived at the pizza place and fired three shots from a rifle that struck the restaurant's walls, desk, and door. Nobody was injured."

VIII. Conclusion

As the episode wraps up, Turner and Phil reiterate their commitment to addressing tough and sometimes sensitive topics surrounding race and culture. They encourage listeners to engage with future episodes by subscribing and submitting more questions, ensuring the conversation remains ongoing and constructive.

Notable Quote:

• Phil Duckett [47:56]: "You ain't gotta apologize for me. They know we say it. It's our saying."

---

Key Takeaways:

• Cultural Dynamics: The episode provides a humorous yet insightful look into the interplay between different racial and cultural backgrounds, especially in urban settings like Pittsburgh and New York.
• Comedy as a Tool: Turner, Phil, and Ray use comedy to explore and address serious topics, highlighting how humor can bridge cultural gaps and foster understanding.
• Personal Anecdotes: The hosts and their guest share personal stories that shed light on the broader themes of race, identity, and societal expectations.
• Listener Engagement: The Q&A segments demonstrate the podcast's commitment to interacting with its audience, addressing real concerns with wit and wisdom.

This episode of "Black and White Advice" offers a blend of humor, personal experience, and cultural commentary, making it a valuable listen for those interested in nuanced discussions about race and society.

Transcript

[Turner Sparks]

Why do white people worry so much about being tan? Some of you look like Fanta.

[Phil Duckett]

What up, dummy? Have you ever had a question you wanted to ask the opposite race but you were too nervous to ask?

[Turner Sparks]

I'm Turner Sparks.

[Phil Duckett]

And I'm Phil Duckett.

[Turner Sparks]

And this is black and white advice.

[Phil Duckett]

But we answer all your questions about race, even the scary ones.

[Turner Sparks]

This is black and white advice.

[Ray Zawadney]

If you've got a question but you're scared to ask, just drop the boys a message. Cause they're up to the task.

[Phil Duckett]

They're rolling the dice.

[Ray Zawadney]

They ain't always nice, but you can't think twice.

[Phil Duckett]

Again, black and white advice.

[Ray Zawadney]

Black and white advice.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, everybody. Welcome to the show. I'm Turner Sparks.

[Phil Duckett]

The Real deal. Feel the 300. What's going on?

[Turner Sparks]

What is up? We got Joe the Muscle Russell on the ones and twos. How you doing, Joe?

[Phil Duckett]

Big Lose. That's your nickname. I don't give a. Fine, Big Lou.

[Ray Zawadney]

Look at.

[Turner Sparks]

Now that he's doing Dry January, he's all. There's no energy coming back there.

[Phil Duckett]

No, no. Let me tell you something. Y'all have let me down on every home front today. I've been drinking liquor by myself, and it is what it is. I know y'all do Dry January because you think it's gonna help your life, but y'all were funnier when you were drunk.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

Still, I've been going so hard since Thanksgiving.

[Phil Duckett]

I was with you for half of those times. By the way, great Christmas party.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

Oh, thank you so much.

[Turner Sparks]

Love it. Fantastic. It's always the best.

[Phil Duckett]

Every type of cheese. The only thing that I would like to critique is I don't ever want to show up to your house again. And there'd be nine children under the age of eight.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

They were supposed to come early and leave, and then they stuck around.

[Phil Duckett]

I wasn't even comfortable doing my narcotics there.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

They did leave after an hour.

[Phil Duckett]

They did, they did.

[Turner Sparks]

I accumulated.

[Phil Duckett]

I smoked my weed on the porch. I didn't give a fuck.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

I said that to my wife. I'm like, they are gonna leave early. She's like, oh, yeah. They'll be out before the show. The party even starts.

[Phil Duckett]

I get there at 8:30. They're like, hi, what's your name? I was like, move.

[Turner Sparks]

I'm. I don't remember.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

I must have just left. There's children there.

[Turner Sparks]

Okay, well, I missed him. That's Joe Russell on the ones and twos. He'll be back later with your white lies and dark truths. Our fact checking segment of the show.

[Phil Duckett]

And don't forget this week.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

Yeah, I'm gonna remember it this time.

[Turner Sparks]

So we go off the cuff for the next 45 minutes and we don't think about what's true and what's false. Water.

[Phil Duckett]

Well, I don't need fat check. Joe just does it for fun. Most of my shit is true.

[Turner Sparks]

Hey, Phil comes in with the hammer at the very end and tells us that everything we said was a lie. So that's later on. And then we also got our. Your sorry. Your black and white advice questions coming up in a minute. But right now we got our guest, Ray Zawadney. Welcome to the show. Ray's got a new comedy special out you available now on YouTube called must be Nice. Ray, how's it going?

[Ray Zawadney]

Great, man. Thank you guys for having me.

[Turner Sparks]

Excited to have you here.

[Ray Zawadney]

I'm a fan that is finally on the podcast. Yes, and I'm a fan.

[Turner Sparks]

Look at that.

[Phil Duckett]

Longtime listener, first time caller, first time interviewer, full of shit. We only had 10 episodes outhill.

[Ray Zawadney]

Well, I was there for. Well, real one. I saw real one and I was like. I was like, I'm a real one who saw real one. Look at that. I was like, I fuck. I was like this. I texted him. We just said this before. I said, you guys got something good here and this idea is great. In the wrong hands, could go awry.

[Phil Duckett]

And you know what? And I think I'm glad you said that because it is definitely in the wrong hands.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, this is by far the wrong hands now.

[Phil Duckett]

But you' I'm glad you said that because, you know, I try not to. Like, I forget to tell you a lot of times. So people all the time come to me. They're like, what a great idea that you and Turner had. And I was like, it was Turner. I'll give white people credit when it's due. You know, if he were going to take the credit from a black man like they normally do, I wouldn't have said nothing. But this white man came up with the idea and he called my phone and said, I need a.

[Turner Sparks]

That's what I said. I used those words. I gave the soft R, though, so.

[Phil Duckett]

And I was like, don't call me that, but I'll do it. You know what I mean? So we.

[Turner Sparks]

I knew you were the. I knew if we're going to do this show, it had to be with Phil.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, man, I'm having a blast, though. So we enjoying it. But, Ray, talk to us.

[Ray Zawadney]

I'm. I feel bad because you're. I'm leaving you Drink alone. I'm also doing the dry January. Except. Dry January.

[Turner Sparks]

Except. Well, I want to ask. I have a question, because I saw you at the New York Comedy Club Christmas party. We were all there, and you were telling me, I said, are you doing dry January? And you said, yes, but I'm doing Pittsburgh dry January, which you said means you only drink light beer. Yes, all January. Except if there's a Steelers playoff game, then I'll do liquor, drink whatever you want.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie. I was leaning toward meth.

[Ray Zawadney]

Oxy's. Oxy, Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

I knew it was some type of opioid.

[Ray Zawadney]

So Oxy's on Fridays and just light beer the rest of it and a Steelers playoff game, I'm gonna drink.

[Phil Duckett]

By the way, I've been to Pittsburgh. One time I performed in Pittsburgh for the first time, is at this brewery, but I'd never been to Vitzberg. Pittsburgh, contrary to popular belief, is a very beautiful city. You drive through a mountain. You drive through a little mountain, like it was a mountain. And I was like, why are we getting toward this rock face? Two tunnels straight through the mountain. You get through the mountain. Pittsburgh on the water. Steelers stadium right there on the water. Pirate stadium right in the water. I was like, oh, two rivers or three.

[Ray Zawadney]

Three rivers.

[Turner Sparks]

Three rivers.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

I didn't know it was three.

[Turner Sparks]

I only know that from the stadium.

[Ray Zawadney]

They all. They all merge. They all merge together right in that. That point where you come out of those tunnels.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, that shit was sick. I like Pittsburgh. Low key, kind of popping.

[Turner Sparks]

And then you got ketchup, right?

[Ray Zawadney]

Catch. Yeah, ketchup. I. To the point where, like, I won't eat other ketchup.

[Phil Duckett]

You're like, people that live in Atlanta only drink Coca Cola. Yeah, like, my people from. They only drink Coca Cola. Matter of fact, when I was like, get me a Pepsi. It was like, I always knew he was a sweet ass. And I was like, pepsi's better.

[Ray Zawadney]

That's. That's what we say when somebody orders Hunt's ketchup.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, hun is awful.

[Phil Duckett]

Hunts is awful.

[Ray Zawadney]

Hunts or like Frenches or something. Like. And. And then there's people that. Here's the thing. I wish I could say that I take, like, when it's in, like, the bottle that doesn't have a label. I wish I could say I taste it, you know, I don't think. I don't think I have that. I don't think my palate's about that, but it's. It. There are people that are like, no, I Take. I'm not.

[Turner Sparks]

I will say I'm one of those people. I can taste it.

[Ray Zawadney]

You think so?

[Turner Sparks]

The other. Any other ketchup. Tastes too sugary. Tastes very sweet. Like a plum almost. And then Heinz, it's just ketchup.

[Phil Duckett]

I would never turn my back on Heinz because as a kid, they was the first people to bring out green ketchup. When Shrek dropped, that was like, yo, these people are next level.

[Ray Zawadney]

I remember very controversial in Pittsburgh. Oh, it was.

[Turner Sparks]

What about purple? Do you remember the purple ketchup?

[Ray Zawadney]

They. Yeah, they did like purple. They did like every color. And I remember about the color, not the brand.

[Phil Duckett]

That's like Cherry Coke. They're like, that ain't real coke. Like, it's still a couple.

[Ray Zawadney]

They. People were pissed. It was like that. That took up. That took up more of the news in Pittsburgh than like a murder. They were like. They're like, somebody got murdered in McKeesport. Now a 20 minute segment about this fucking green ketchup we got here.

[Phil Duckett]

Meanwhile, I was like, so innovative. These are great people.

[Turner Sparks]

I remember seeing it when I came back to the United States after being gone for 12 years. I was in China for 12 years. And ketchup is hard to come by in general out there in Asia.

[Phil Duckett]

And what? And then, I mean, got French fries.

[Turner Sparks]

It's only in the foreign foods idol, like, aisle, right?

[Ray Zawadney]

Hilarious.

[Turner Sparks]

And if you can get. It's like our sources. If you can get Heinz, you're in luck. But normally it's hunts or whatever the other ones are, right? And so then I come back and not only do they have ketchup in America, but they got green, they got purple. I'm like, I'm home, baby. You can do any color you want of ketchup. It felt like an embarrassment of riches.

[Phil Duckett]

It tastes the same coming back to.

[Turner Sparks]

The United States of America.

[Phil Duckett]

We're winning now. That's ridiculous. So wait, right? So how long. How long you been living in New York?

[Ray Zawadney]

Five years. Five years.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, you right there at that time. Or get off the pot.

[Ray Zawadney]

I know, right?

[Phil Duckett]

How you feeling about this?

[Turner Sparks]

He's taking a shit. He's doing it.

[Ray Zawadney]

I'm shitting. Yeah, that's sitting all over.

[Phil Duckett]

Stomach a little hungry.

[Ray Zawadney]

It. It is. It is way different, though. Like, I mean, like, it's like, I still get like, like, like now, like being here five years, I get pissed about things in Pittsburgh, like, how slow it is all time. I don't know if when you go back home, you experience that.

[Phil Duckett]

That's every time I go home. I always get. When I get up here, I get just cabin fever. Like, I get that lock in, like, dude, I gotta see some trees and see some. And then I'm here for six, seven months with nothing. Then I finally go home, and then I'm there, and within 48 hours, I'm like, so you mean to tell me everything closes at midnight?

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah, everything.

[Phil Duckett]

I can't eat. Oh, yeah. And that's when I'm like, I gotta get back. Yeah.

[Ray Zawadney]

I'm at the point where, like, I'm not, like, totally happy in either place.

[Phil Duckett]

Right, Exactly. Yeah, that's what it is.

[Turner Sparks]

There's always that moment when you're in line at a coffee shop and the person in front of you back home, they go. They get to the front of the line and they go, well, what's good here? What would you reckon if you don't.

[Phil Duckett]

Come here for the last.

[Turner Sparks]

And you're like, you got to have your order locked and loaded. You go up, you order, you get out of the way. In New York and. Yeah, in New York, but not anywhere else.

[Phil Duckett]

Every day. Takes your time.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. They sit there and they're tapping the thing and they're like, Elaine with the soup Nazi. And they go, well, I think. I don't know. I kind of want. Let me call my husband.

[Phil Duckett]

Can I get a sample?

[Turner Sparks]

And then you're like, I got to get out of here. I got to go back to New York City.

[Ray Zawadney]

I don't like the after talking. They'll get their shit. And they're still talking.

[Phil Duckett]

How's the kid? The baby? Like, he's still autistic. Let's move it along.

[Ray Zawadney]

I can't believe these were. These were two for $5 that just go. I'm like, yes.

[Phil Duckett]

Fuck. Get it. Go, go.

[Turner Sparks]

So I want to ask you about the name of the special. Must be nice. Must be nice to me is the quintessential blue collar.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Phrase.

[Ray Zawadney]

That's where it comes. It's a. It's a pit. I always said that Pittsburgh was just a bunch of, like, dudes trying to out blue collar each other. So, like, if you said something that was like, like cool that was going on in your life that you were excited about, like, to your buddy, you'd be like, dude. Yeah, we're actually. We're going up to Lake Erie for the weekend. And it's like, must be nice. I gotta work. It's like, not everything is about you.

[Turner Sparks]

It's the most negative. It's a way to just ruin someone's good time.

[Phil Duckett]

It's like the Southern. Bless your heart.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Where it can mean multiple things.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah. It's like. It's, like, so backhanded, you know, it's just that.

[Turner Sparks]

Well, look what we got here.

[Phil Duckett]

Mr. Moneybags going to Erie.

[Turner Sparks]

King of England just arrived.

[Ray Zawadney]

I'm taking off work at 3 today, and they're like, oh, what are you working bankers hours? Must be nice.

[Turner Sparks]

So what do they. When you go back, what do they think of your comedy career?

[Phil Duckett]

Well, they call you Hollywood.

[Ray Zawadney]

I wish that they. Nobody. Nobody really totally respects. I think they still think that I'm, like, here, like, at college, you know.

[Turner Sparks]

Like, they go, you're still doing that comedy thing?

[Ray Zawadney]

Oh, dude, I did, like, a headline show there that I'm, like, really excited about. And then people, like, my aunt is, like, calling me, like, hey, I'm at the box office, and they're saying, I need all five people here. I was like, I don't work at.

[Turner Sparks]

The fucking box office while you're about to go on stage.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, yeah, that's crazy. Hey, your cousin decided to come. She's like, you get her a ticket? I'm like, they're literally about to call me up. No, I don't give a. What are you talking about?

[Turner Sparks]

Before you go on stage? Just my waiter. I think he's overcharging me. Can you come down here?

[Phil Duckett]

What it is, man? Like, no, but the. The home. The whole. They. Here's the thing. What I will. What I have noticed. When I first started comedy, it was like, I felt like a joke. Like, they did not take me serious, you know? Now comedy has progressed, and they are my biggest fans, of course, because they can tell there I have something to show proof of work. Oh, you got to check out my. But prior to this, I tell everybody being a unknown comic is the same as being that cousin in your family is like, check out my new mixtape. Like, oh, you're rapping. Yeah. It takes a lot to get them, but once they're on board, they're the biggest fans you got. But to get them on board is some of the hardest you ever gotta do.

[Ray Zawadney]

It is really hard. And. And I think that there's certain things that you need to do for them to perceive you as successful that we don't necessarily, like, think, like, like, you could be the brokest dude in the world not making any money at this, but you do one tonight, show everybody in my family's like, he's fucking.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. You get paid 500 bucks.

[Phil Duckett]

I'll take you less than that because the Tonight show is legit credit.

[Ray Zawadney]

Sure.

[Phil Duckett]

My, my. Anything that my mom can show to people at church with pride puts me on a different level.

[Turner Sparks]

Yes.

[Phil Duckett]

So I do the Drew Barrymore Show. I'm not even fucking doing comedy. It was color of the year and I was modeling outfit that my own co host. What was going on the Drew Barrymore show had the color of the year.

[Turner Sparks]

How did they pick you?

[Ray Zawadney]

So, yeah, there's just so many, so many words I didn't, you know, other than.

[Phil Duckett]

Other than the fact that I'm extremely handsome. Let's just start with the basics. I'm extremely good looking.

[Turner Sparks]

Have they seen you on this podcast?

[Phil Duckett]

No, this is years before I was still doing my old podcast with Rachel. Rachel does a lot of extra work and TV work. She had gotten a gig for the Drew Barrymore. So she's like, but I need a partner. She was like, so I'm bringing you. So we. It was the Panettone color of the year.

[Turner Sparks]

What does that mean?

[Phil Duckett]

It was like the year they had like, pick a color that like blue.

[Turner Sparks]

Is the color of 2024.

[Phil Duckett]

It was periwinkle at the time.

[Ray Zawadney]

So you look great in periwinkle. I actually phenomenal in periwinkle.

[Phil Duckett]

It actually accentuates my eyes. But so I was in it. And so Drew, her stylist dressed me in this outfit. And then she asked me a question. It was my first time on major television. And so I answered the question. But there was. What I didn't know is I'm used to camera or camera. It was nine fucking cameras. So I was like. And my mom said, you look so nervous. I was like, it was nine cameras. And then she. And then she saw me, my outfit. She was like, you're cute. She's like, take it off. And the crowd was like, take it off.

[Turner Sparks]

No way.

[Phil Duckett]

I tried to take it off, but I forgot my microphone was attached. And I was like, oh. And I got stuck and man. What?

[Turner Sparks]

Drew Barrymore?

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My. My. My mom's friend, she was like, I saw you on show.

[Turner Sparks]

There's no red light on one of them to know it's on.

[Phil Duckett]

They said it quickly. They're like, hey. They're like, they look for the one, the red light. But again, first time, it's a live studio audience. Yeah, here. So they say that. And then I was like, okay, the red light, which is in the problem. I look up, it's nine cameras. And so I'm looking for the red light, but it made me look like. And I was Just lying there. And she was like, take it off.

[Turner Sparks]

So I was like, take it off. That's all your mom needed.

[Phil Duckett]

No, no. So I'm taking it off. Forget my mic is on me. So I'm like struggling. So then I get it off. But the way this, the sleeve was cuffed, my arm got stuck and I didn't want to look like an asshole, so I just ripped my arm out on TV because I was literally about to have the clothes just dangling on my wrist. So not to embarrassment. So I just ripped it off. And they were like, oh, nice. And I was like, I ruined this whole.

[Ray Zawadney]

Did you go bear chest?

[Phil Duckett]

No, it was. I still had a.

[Turner Sparks]

Did they invite you back for the next year? Color of the year.

[Phil Duckett]

Never heard from.

[Turner Sparks]

Can I give you my similar. I've been here like, I've been in New York like four months. And Andrew Heaton, the guy, we were just on his show, Andrew Heaton show at that time. He was writing on Kennedy, a TV show on Fox Business hosted by Kennedy. She used to be like an MTV VJ in the 90s.

[Phil Duckett]

That Kennedy. I was like one of the Kennedys.

[Turner Sparks]

Not one of the Kennedy. Yeah, MTV VJ Kennedy. And then she became a libertarian TV host on Fox Business. He's writing on the show. I don't know him at all. He sees me do stand up, asked me to come be on the show. So I've been in the US like three months. I go on the Kennedy show on Fox Business. Talk about your parents. Now you're. Now you're a success. I didn't get paid anything to be on it. They did send a car to come bring. I go on the Kennedy show. I bomb. They're. They're bringing up all these.

[Ray Zawadney]

You did stand up.

[Turner Sparks]

No, it's like panel.

[Ray Zawadney]

Okay.

[Turner Sparks]

And they're.

[Phil Duckett]

They can't bomb on a panel.

[Turner Sparks]

They had to cut certain things. I said, you don't even cut.

[Ray Zawadney]

You don't even.

[Turner Sparks]

It didn't make sense what I was saying because they go, oh, I remember. They go, what do you. It was me, Meghan McCain, John McCain's daughter. Yeah. I didn't know who she was, but Meghan McCain and. And then some guy who writes for like some super right wing newspaper in Washington, D.C. and the first Limbaugh, basically, the Rush Limbaugh Jr. And ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. And she goes, you don't have a rush. I thought everyone had a rush.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

And so then she, the Kennedy lady go. She goes, all right. It's all rapid fire and it's like you're in for like six minutes or something. And she's like, give me your thoughts on Pizzagate. Do you remember what that was?

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, I remember hearing about it, but I have no idea.

[Ray Zawadney]

There's like, pedophiles in the basement of.

[Turner Sparks]

A pizza shop in Washington, D.C. yeah. And then a guy goes in the basement and shoots.

[Phil Duckett]

Two weeks in a row, we touch the pedophile and.

[Turner Sparks]

And a guy goes in the. Into the store. There is no basement. So he's like, I want to see the basement. And they go, there is no basement here. And he goes, that's it.

[Ray Zawadney]

You're lying.

[Turner Sparks]

And he shoots everyone and kills him.

[Phil Duckett]

All I really happened, apparently, in Pizza Gate.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah. That's a QAnon thing, wasn't it? Pizza.

[Turner Sparks]

They were QAnon. I didn't know.

[Ray Zawadney]

QAnon's always trying to find, like, same pedophiles or places.

[Turner Sparks]

All I heard was pedophile. I didn't know the shooting part. So I started doing jokes about, oh, yeah, it must have been great pizza if a pedophile's like. If the kids are all going there to eat the pizza, how good the food.

[Phil Duckett]

Look at my face. I'm like, could you make a worse answer?

[Turner Sparks]

I didn't know anyone died. They stopped the show.

[Phil Duckett]

Of course.

[Turner Sparks]

Meghan McCain is like, what is this? Why am I on with this man?

[Phil Duckett]

Right? My dad is not gonna get reelected.

[Turner Sparks]

Literally, a producer. Cut. Cut, cut. What?

[Phil Duckett]

Cut?

[Turner Sparks]

And I'm like, what's going on? They go, people died. You can't say this. We're on Fox News. And I was like, oh, okay. And so then I.

[Ray Zawadney]

Because Fox News has never done anything insensitive.

[Turner Sparks]

I know. Yeah, well, yeah, exactly.

[Ray Zawadney]

People die.

[Turner Sparks]

This is pre gut felt or whatever.

[Phil Duckett]

Finish the pizza. That's what I was saying. Was it jokes.

[Ray Zawadney]

Oh, my God.

[Turner Sparks]

Anyway, point is, they never. They. I like. A week later, I asked Andrew Heaton because he wrote on it. I was like, hey, do you think I could ever go on that show again? He's like, absolutely not.

[Phil Duckett]

Absolutely. Which. So thank you to he. And for letting us do his podcast, because he. If he already. I didn't know he already.

[Turner Sparks]

He liked me, but, yeah, the show hated.

[Phil Duckett]

I thought it was great.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ray Zawadney]

Probably for the best.

[Turner Sparks]

I don't think I wanted to ask you. So you went to a mostly black high school, is that right?

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah, all through school. Yeah, it was. Yeah, it was like. It was like. It was. It was pretty mixed, but it was like 60, 40, black to white.

[Phil Duckett]

That's Pretty, that's pretty accurate.

[Turner Sparks]

Even mostly black.

[Ray Zawadney]

Mostly black, yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Okay. And then how did that go?

[Ray Zawadney]

I. I mean, it was, I mean, great for comedy now as an adult, you know what I mean? Like think like I always said that there's no like, like we. I would always see like the celebrity roast when that was huge. But like, there's no better roast than like a lunchroom cafeteria with five black teenagers.

[Phil Duckett]

I'm telling you, it is the most vicious, funniest you've ever heard. The thing is, and they nice and any.

[Ray Zawadney]

Everything from your hairline down to your shoes, and those are like the most made fun of things, those two things.

[Phil Duckett]

And don't let them know you personally. Now they gonna get into your crackhead aunt real shit, though. There is no holding back on that shit, let me tell you. I never planned on being a comedian my entire life. It was a career I fell into. I always have been funny. I've always enjoyed watching comedy. But never in my life did I ever think that I could be a comedian, you know, I mean, and the reason I always felt that way is because in high school I got picked on so much. And so the, every time I would go into the lunch cafeteria, I always know it's like this. I mean, they're gonna torture you today. Because my parents, my parents were very successful and stuff, but my parents weren't hip, you know, I mean, my dad would buy me K Swiss and Team Jordans. Not retro Jordan. Team Jordans, they call them the Mexican Jordans, the six rings and like that black people. So I, my parents like, Jordan is Jordan. And I got a jumpman on the logo. That's a Jordan. I'm like, there is a line though, buddy. And if you ain't retros, you can't. When you 40, you can wear Team Jordans. As a teenage black kid coming up, if they ain't retros, you're going to get roasted. And it never failed.

[Ray Zawadney]

Did you have the four stripe Adidas? Do you see those people that had the four stripe Adidas?

[Phil Duckett]

Those are fake shoes. Yeah, I always had legit brands. 4 stripe Adidas are the ones you get the gas station in South Carolina and New Jersey.

[Ray Zawadney]

I've seen kids switch schools over four striped Adidas.

[Phil Duckett]

I was getting.

[Ray Zawadney]

No, I switched schools, but that was the problem because it wasn't like, like if you were wearing something that was like, like getting roasted, like you didn't really hit. You were like 9, 10, no control.

[Phil Duckett]

They were roasting your parents. But you don't realize that because it's a reflection of me. And they hate me because my parents hate me. That's how you feel? My parents clearly don't love me because I asked them for the Jordan fours. And you came in here with these six ring bullshit ass Jordans, you know, I mean, like, it is a tough thing, but this thing, that's where you learn to get funny. Because if you can battle in there, maybe they're in a comedy club in this world.

[Ray Zawadney]

That's, that's. That's where I learned. Like, like, dude, I remember, like, getting ready for school. Like, remember when you have like a, like a shirt or like a haircut or shoes that you were like, hyped about? So ready, but then, like, you get to school and you're like, fuck this. This might have been a risk. And I, I remember, yo, I remember I got a fucking flat top haircut when I was. When I was in like the seventh grade. And I remember, like, I was like, so hyped on this haircut. It was like my brother, it looked like fucking. I thought it looked like fucking Fresh Prince or Vanilla Ice.

[Phil Duckett]

I don't walked in, I was like this fucking Ivan Drago over here.

[Ray Zawadney]

Oh, bro. Right when I walked, right when I walked in, I remembered. I remember this kid Larry looked up and he was like, yo, yo. Starts tapping everybody. Zawadney got a box and they fucking went off to me, Let me tell.

[Phil Duckett]

You, when black people start tapping each other, you're cooked.

[Ray Zawadney]

It's over.

[Turner Sparks]

You're over.

[Phil Duckett]

You're cooked.

[Ray Zawadney]

Just going, oh, my God. It was like. And I mean, I still use a line from like a rip on me in like my stand up. It's on the album is somebody said I look like Jimmy Neutron with titties when I had like, my hair like that fucking.

[Turner Sparks]

The tap, it was ruthless. You have one in the chamber. You just want to now want to gather the crowd.

[Phil Duckett]

You want to reset the room. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Now watch this.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah, when you see the tap, it's like when Joe Pesci realizes that he's about to get shot. When they take him in and make him, you're like, oh, it's over. The. The haircut's bad. Ah, no, just give it the tap.

[Phil Duckett]

Makes your heart sing. Oh, fuck.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, well, we will be back in a minute, everybody, with your black and white advice, question and answers. And Ray, you're going to be perfect for this. You can come down on both sides of this. So that's it. We'll be back in a second. Hey, you Want to get Ryan Seacrest here? When you have a busy schedule, it's important to maximize your downtime. One of the best ways to do that is by going to chumbacasino.com Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino games like spin slots, bingo, and solitaire.

[Phil Duckett]

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[Turner Sparks]

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[Phil Duckett]

18/ Terms and Conditions apply.

[Turner Sparks]

Bonus content early episodes and have your questions answered on the show.

[Phil Duckett]

Well, then, subscribe to our [e-mail] blackandwhiteadvice and subscribe right now.

[Turner Sparks]

Do it, and we'll give you a shout out on a future episode.

[Phil Duckett]

And I might call you the N word.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, we're back, everybody. Question one. This is from Trey in Baltimore. Trey says, why do white people worry so much about being tan? Some of you look like Fanta.

[Phil Duckett]

What up, dummy? So say it in Baltimore, stupid.

[Turner Sparks]

I got the answers to this. Why do white people want to be tan? I mean, I know the real answer.

[Ray Zawadney]

I know my answer.

[Phil Duckett]

I know the real answer, too.

[Ray Zawadney]

Because. Because, like, tan fat looks thinner than white fat.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, that's one.

[Ray Zawadney]

Like, have you ever seen a fucking, like, a Samoan or, like, a fat, like, fat black dude?

[Turner Sparks]

Good.

[Ray Zawadney]

Good.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ray Zawadney]

It looks like tighter or something. It looks thinner. This. I look like, fuck. Like, it's like cottage cheese type of vibe.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ray Zawadney]

With a fat white.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

You think the cottage cheese will look less if you were darker?

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Yes.

[Phil Duckett]

No, it would just look curdled.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah, but I don't know. It's something about the, like, black slimming.

[Turner Sparks]

I. I like the Samoan things. True, though.

[Phil Duckett]

First of all, black is slamming is crazy because y'all don't get black enough to slim. We're talking about pure black. Brown does not slim you.

[Ray Zawadney]

Well, then. Well, then let's go Samoan. I could get about as tan as maybe the rock. Black light, guys.

[Phil Duckett]

You think you can get that dark?

[Ray Zawadney]

I get pretty dark.

[Phil Duckett]

Really?

[Ray Zawadney]

After, like, the Rock? After a lot of, like, that's what I'm like.

[Phil Duckett]

You can go route.

[Turner Sparks]

That's cancer. That's straight up cancer. If you go that dark after a.

[Ray Zawadney]

Lot of, like, pink sunburn, I get, like, the red sunburn, and then it kind of develops into, like, I'm like, a week. I get, like, a week of, like. I like the rock.

[Turner Sparks]

It's a Double edged sword, though, because there's nothing worse than a fat white guy with a sunburn. But once you break through to fat white guy with tan, now we're cooking.

[Phil Duckett]

See, I. I mean, I guess I agree with that. I mean, I have a different answer.

[Ray Zawadney]

But that's the scale of fat. How bad and good it looks is. It's red to black. So like, like the red and then white and then Samoan's good too.

[Phil Duckett]

Red. The NFL black. And then you got right in the middle that Florida where them white people look like leather.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh.

[Ray Zawadney]

Oh, you like that?

[Phil Duckett]

No, I'm saying that looks awful. But that is a form of tan. But that's what I'm saying. You got red from the sunburn, where he's like. And I'll get a little darker after the red leaves. Or you got people who tan so much their body doesn't get sunburned anymore and the skin turns to lead. Like every, every 40 year old in Florida that I've seen that stays in the sun. Their skin is.

[Ray Zawadney]

So that's what I want. I'd rather that than this.

[Turner Sparks]

What about. But also a lot of them have like a belly tattoo. Yes. You know, that says like the name of their crew.

[Ray Zawadney]

They're always. They're always like fat and skinny. In the wrong places there too.

[Turner Sparks]

Some of those I know. Okay. Do you remember Sublime? They were fat guys who never wore shirts, but they were just super tan. And women loved them.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Because it's a way to rock it.

[Phil Duckett]

You got a guitar in your hand. They.

[Ray Zawadney]

That's true. A guitar loses 20 pounds on anybody.

[Turner Sparks]

I. I know the real answer to this.

[Phil Duckett]

I disagree. My real answer.

[Turner Sparks]

I haven't even said my real answer. What are you disagreeing with?

[Phil Duckett]

Well, I'm gonna just say I don't. I'm gonna say I don't agree with it. Whatever you gonna say, I don't agree with.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, give your answer, then I'll give mine. Go ahead.

[Phil Duckett]

Black culture runs the world. We are the trendsetters. We are the hippest. We are the motherfuckers who set the tone. Everybody in the world wants to be black till it's time to be black. That's my answer. You even got people. I watch it on TikTok. You got Asians now putting dreads in their head and making their hair nappy so they can twist it up so they can look like rappers. That is what it is. Darker. Every culture in the world, the lighter you are, the more you're respected when it comes to money. And then like in China, except white people. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Except white people. So if I can darken my skin up to make me look cooler, I'm gonna do that because I know white has such a bad currently connotation, but not even currently. It's always been bad to most people. But yeah, as of late, it was pretty good.

[Turner Sparks]

For a long time for y'all.

[Ray Zawadney]

Nobody else viewed white things were we. We had a run.

[Turner Sparks]

We had a pretty good run.

[Phil Duckett]

The colonizers had a run.

[Ray Zawadney]

Who knew?

[Turner Sparks]

It's over now, but we had a.

[Phil Duckett]

Run for the first thousand years.

[Turner Sparks]

Now everybody's trying to jump ship, right?

[Phil Duckett]

And now it's like, I could be a little darker.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, here's the real answer. This is the real answer.

[Ray Zawadney]

Three different answ, sir.

[Turner Sparks]

It's that. So that it used to be that it. It's the. The more. No, currently, the more tan you are, the more you proves you're rich. It proves that you can go on vacation.

[Phil Duckett]

Is that what that is?

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. And so if you're like, in Asia, right, People want to be more white skinned because if you're darker skinned, it means you work in the fields. And so if you're white skinned, it means you work in an office in Asia in 1860s and. And so easy, stay with me.

[Ray Zawadney]

Easy, stay with me.

[Turner Sparks]

This is like when you're on the field, Nick, when you're riding the edge of the crowd. Just hang on.

[Phil Duckett]

Hey, man, I got a point, I swear.

[Ray Zawadney]

Let me finish, Turner. You should have just coast hunt on my fat answer. What are you doing here?

[Turner Sparks]

So now, if you're white, if you're. If you're seen as, like, pale, it means you have your poor. Like, you have to be inside all day working. And if you're rich enough, you have time to go on money to go on vacation.

[Phil Duckett]

I actually get a tan. Agree with that. Because the term redneck comes from that redneck came people redneck. Like, people think redneck is racist and a lot. They normally are. But the actual term redneck came from back in the day. People don't realize every white person didn't own slaves. You know, I mean, slaves are not. Slaves are very expensive.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Think about the people that own slaves or your Fortune 500 companies. Yeah, they were the richest. There were poor white people, just like there always have been. Poor white people worked in the fields with black people, so they called them rednecks because the sun would beat their neck up so bad that. And it would get sunburned. It was red.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

So that's why they call them the rednecks. They still got treated better than black folk, but they was poor white people. So I think, like you said, it is transition into tan was a bad thing at one point because that means you couldn't shelter yourself and have a.

[Ray Zawadney]

Lot of work outside.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. That's why rich people were super pale.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Because it showed they had to do no work. And now that we've changed this dynamic, the p. The rich people don't have to go to work. They can spend time in the sun. And sun is leisure.

[Turner Sparks]

Yes.

[Phil Duckett]

Okay.

[Ray Zawadney]

Your two answers are probably more right than mine. I will give you that. But I will say, see me come July or August. You'll think I lost 30 pounds.

[Turner Sparks]

I like it.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah. I'll take my shirt off.

[Phil Duckett]

I want to see Slender Ray.

[Ray Zawadney]

Me, too. You and me both. I've been looking for that for 15 years.

[Turner Sparks]

All right, next question.

[Phil Duckett]

What is yours?

[Turner Sparks]

Go ahead.

[Phil Duckett]

Go ahead. What is your ideal playing weight? Playing weight, meaning what? What's your best size? What do you think you weigh?

[Ray Zawadney]

I'd like to be, like, 230.

[Phil Duckett]

Damn. I weigh now. You ain't. What you. What? You in the 300?

[Ray Zawadney]

No, not in the 300, but I'm. Hey, I'm not far off, baby boy.

[Phil Duckett]

Come on. That's.

[Ray Zawadney]

What. That's. That's why I'm going. That's. You think I should just go, like, professionally fat?

[Phil Duckett]

I'm talking, like, embrace it.

[Ray Zawadney]

We professionally fat.

[Phil Duckett]

We need a dog. You need to be a dog. I need no more. Meow.

[Turner Sparks]

Yokozuna.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Be a dog.

[Ray Zawadney]

Dave Bennett.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah.

[Ray Zawadney]

Classic. Who's.

[Turner Sparks]

There is a level of extreme fat.

[Phil Duckett]

Where you get 600 pound. Life.

[Turner Sparks]

No. No comedy. In comedy, it becomes a thing. You know what I mean?

[Phil Duckett]

I think the funniest black competers are all overweight. Not. Well, they were. We've kind of. Kind of changed that because, like, Mike Epps, Dion Cole. But Patrice and.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ray Zawadney]

I think Patrice, though, is one of the only fats that's really referred to as an overall goat. When you think of, like, the best comics of all time, he's the only one that's.

[Phil Duckett]

Here's the thing. And here's the thing. I don't even know if. If you're a comedian, you call them a goat. Regular people don't call Patrice.

[Ray Zawadney]

That's true.

[Phil Duckett]

They don't know him.

[Ray Zawadney]

But regular people, they don't ever choose a fat.

[Turner Sparks]

Do you remember John Panette?

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah, but he was really funny. He was he was fat.

[Turner Sparks]

He was extremely. Yeah, but he was. He's known as a. Yeah, yeah, okay. But he was known. He wasn't a goat. But he was known as a really good comic. As a big time fat guy.

[Ray Zawadney]

But he was known as a really good fat. He was like, almost a genre of being fat.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, I guess that's true. Because a lot of his. A lot of fat jokes.

[Phil Duckett]

Is Fluffy considered fat?

[Ray Zawadney]

I mean, definitely, motherfucker. Definitely fat.

[Turner Sparks]

Fluffy. He calls himself not fat. I'm Fluffy. That's like his whole.

[Phil Duckett]

He was the first comedian I ever saw wear jean shorts on stage, and it was accepted.

[Turner Sparks]

Okay, wait, we have a question about that. Oh, you didn't even know this?

[Phil Duckett]

No.

[Turner Sparks]

Next question. Kathy in San Mateo, California. I'm a Chinese American woman. My new boyfriend is white, and I just discovered a drawer full of jean shorts that he says. I'm not kidding. That he says he plans on wearing this summer. How do I stop this? And why do white guys wear jean shorts?

[Ray Zawadney]

Shorts. They're back, baby.

[Phil Duckett]

First of all, let's not put it on white people. I know plenty of black people don't wear jeans. Really? Not like y'alls. Y'all wear Daisy Dukes coochie cuffs.

[Turner Sparks]

What?

[Ray Zawadney]

I used to wear the ones with the. With the hem down to, like, past my knees and shit.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, the big jean.

[Phil Duckett]

The Jankos Junko didn't have no cuff in the bottom. They was just big and they had big pockets. They were skateboarder jeans. Yeah, he just said there was.

[Ray Zawadney]

No. I used to. I used to cuffed them. I used to. I used to wear, like, fat farm jean shorts. And.

[Phil Duckett]

See, that's what I'm saying. That's a total different level of loser.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah, no, those were sick. So I had some level of loser.

[Phil Duckett]

Board a cup in your jean shorts.

[Ray Zawadney]

No, no, no, not a cut. I feel. I feel like all the, like, designer.

[Turner Sparks]

Jean shorts, like, folded over and then.

[Ray Zawadney]

No, I just meant they were hemmed at the bottom. They weren't, like, cut. Oh, because they were too long.

[Phil Duckett]

So you hemmed them?

[Ray Zawadney]

No, I didn't hem them. No, no, no. What I'm saying is, is I feel like. I feel like some jean shorts are acceptable. And it's like, usually it's like. It's like. It's like. It's like gay white dudes wear, like, the fucking Gucci cutters cut where they.

[Phil Duckett]

Just use scissors to come in. The strings are hanging. Yes, those are the jeans. No, I'm talking about real shorts. Jean shorts that were made to be Fucking jorts?

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

I used to wear Jordans that were made into shorts.

[Turner Sparks]

You were the real deal.

[Ray Zawadney]

I wore jorts.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ray Zawadney]

That had the hem past my knee.

[Phil Duckett]

Okay. Yeah. Well, most black people that wear jean shorts, they're not the cut ones, they're the hemmed ones.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

And the thing is, I still see old heads wear that sometimes. It's still not really acceptable, but it's not acceptable. I'll be honest. I'd rather see you struggling. A pair of cargo shorts and some jords.

[Ray Zawadney]

I wore them too long. I wore them like. Like. Because there was a little while where jean shorts were acceptable.

[Turner Sparks]

They had a run.

[Ray Zawadney]

They had a run.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ray Zawadney]

Phil disagrees.

[Phil Duckett]

I still got a pair.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Jean shorts. Oh. Depending on what type of day I'm.

[Turner Sparks]

Having, what is the thought behind I never wore jeans?

[Ray Zawadney]

You never were.

[Phil Duckett]

You're a dockers and flip flops.

[Turner Sparks]

Dockers and flip flops.

[Phil Duckett]

We'll take jean shorts.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. I'm a boat shoes guy.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, spare me.

[Turner Sparks]

What did the. What was the thought? Like, it's. The jeans were too hot.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah. And I still like that. But you like denim. Yeah, it's for people that love denim in the summer. People that. People that love denim and love being on boats.

[Phil Duckett]

And I think jean shorts are acceptable because honestly, I mean, rank them jean shorts, khaki shorts, cargo shorts, which are still khakis.

[Ray Zawadney]

I'd say khaki shorts are one. Most acceptable.

[Turner Sparks]

Khaki shorts are one.

[Ray Zawadney]

People wear khaki shorts.

[Phil Duckett]

That's white culture.

[Ray Zawadney]

And then jean short.

[Phil Duckett]

Black dudes ain't wearing jean khaki.

[Turner Sparks]

They're not wearing khakis.

[Phil Duckett]

I mean, they're khaki shorts. Khaki shorts is a totally different look. That is a frat boy boat.

[Ray Zawadney]

It is a frat boy.

[Turner Sparks]

I'm wearing it right now.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, we know, Turner.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, well, the audience doesn't.

[Phil Duckett]

I'm letting you know. Yeah, that's a. That's a normal thing.

[Turner Sparks]

I'm just bragging.

[Phil Duckett]

But black people, when it comes to shorts, number one, we're gonna wear basketball shorts, chances are. But if it's a formal event, like when I say, like, kind of semi formula, but formal, but you got a nice little polo with some kicks. Jean shorts are totally acceptable to a formal event. We're black or anything. Eh? I said semi formal. Are you wearing shorts to a fucking wedding? Who?

[Turner Sparks]

You said formal.

[Ray Zawadney]

Can I be honest? I think jean shorts transcend race. I think that's what's gonna bring us all together as fuck this summer when I bring jean shorts back. When me. When you see. When you see me and Phil out and about, his are cuffed, wearing jean shorts, minor cuff.

[Phil Duckett]

I'm like, this is my little bitch and Daisy Dukes.

[Turner Sparks]

So to answer Kathy's question, her question is, how do I stop my boyfriend from wearing these? I guess the answer is, you can't.

[Phil Duckett]

What it is, is embrace his culture. If he's comfortable enough to wear him, let him wear him. You already picked a loser. Let him wear it. Hey, she already thinks that. That's why she's asking us. She's asking, how do I stop him?

[Turner Sparks]

She's discovered a drawer.

[Phil Duckett]

You'd rather open up a drawer of loser than a drawer of dildos?

[Ray Zawadney]

Like, it's like you already have zero respect for this man. I mean, this relationship. Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

So fuck it. Yeah. Let's be honest. Just accept him.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

I might have some advice for her.

[Ray Zawadney]

Oh, yeah?

[Turner Sparks]

Go ahead.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

So this is how my mom gets rid of the clothes my dad has that she hates. She'll take them and she'll sort of hide them in the back of the drawer. And then if enough time goes by and he doesn't ask where they are, she throws them out.

[Turner Sparks]

That's great advice.

[Phil Duckett]

Your mom is like every mom in America. My mom, if there's not an answer quick enough for, where do these go? They're in the trash.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, they're gone. Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

I'm like, I just bought them. I just bought those.

[Turner Sparks]

You're like, you just came to me for Christmas, right?

[Phil Duckett]

What are you talking about? Yeah, no, I get that. My mom's. Bro. Moms throw shit away so quick.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah, man. All right, we're moving on. This is one of my favorite questions ever. This is Marcus in Houston. He says, I'm a black guy in my 30s. I like white people.

[Ray Zawadney]

What?

[Turner Sparks]

What?

[Ray Zawadney]

I don't believe him.

[Phil Duckett]

I have black friends.

[Ray Zawadney]

That is the. I have black friends.

[Turner Sparks]

He goes, I have a lot white friends. But I don't understand why they get so excited about patio dining at restaurants.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, buddy, listen. You have spoke to my soul.

[Turner Sparks]

Let me keep reading. Because whenever we have a group and the hostess gives us an option, I'm usually the only one who votes for indoor dining. I get stuck at those. Dining. I get stuck dining on those unstable wobbly tables made of thin metal with holes on the surface, so if you spill a drink, it goes all over somebody's lap. So when we spend the evening. So we spend the evening subject to bugs and weather and sometimes even bird poo, amongst other things, while sitting A dozen feet from a building that typically spent millions of dollars so that you would not have to endure any of these things. Why on earth do white people love eating outside? And how can I stop this?

[Phil Duckett]

Well, wow. What a well thought out thesis. I'm going to give you my answer, and since you were brother, you probably going to agree with me. White people love nature and they love getting the sense of the world. They love hearing the birds chirp. They love smelling whatever black people. I'm with you, bro. Don't never say I ain't never picked outside. I don't give a. It's a lovely day. It is lovely for inside because number one, we black. Everybody knows if you know Roy G. Biva, darker colors attract most sunlight. Your black ass is absorbing sun rays. So while you out here smoldering, trying to eat your French onion, these white people are 10 degrees cooler than you are. It is a tough sale for us. I. One thing I hate is sweating while I eat.

[Ray Zawadney]

All right, See, that's. I hate eating outside.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. I don't want to sweat while I eat. I don't like fighting the elements. It's a baby bird, bitch. You can't have one of my French fries.

[Turner Sparks]

It's a mosquito bite.

[Phil Duckett]

Come on. Yeah, I hate that. I really. But you are not lying. If it's a group of white people, the 60% of them are going to pick outside versus inside. I don't get. And it don't even have to be summer. It can be a nice, crisp fall day. They gonna take outside?

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. They got a heat lamp. We're fine.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. And I'm like.

[Turner Sparks]

It'll be like the winter in Pittsburgh, right?

[Phil Duckett]

What are we igloo in it?

[Turner Sparks]

What do we got, a heat lamp?

[Ray Zawadney]

You know, now that you. I hate eating outside, but now that you mention it, when you're walking around New York City, not a lot of.

[Phil Duckett]

Black folks sitting outside and we're talking about the elements. Don't even get me started. I hate flies. Flies are the. I don't like. A fly gets in my house, I will demolish my house, killing that house fly. I don't like them because flies only land on. That's the only thing they land on. So if that means every time they touch some of your house, you got a little speck of on you. I don't like flies. That's why I don't like eating outside. That's just how it goes.

[Ray Zawadney]

Because if it lands on your food, you're eating.

[Phil Duckett]

You're eating dookie and I'm Gonna say something's gonna have to get beeped out. But there's an old black saying, and it's. And flies. I do despise. That is a real. That is an old black saying. That is an old man saying. Yeah, it's real sick.

[Ray Zawadney]

Sounds like an old white saying.

[Phil Duckett]

It is. It probably came from white men. But I'm telling you, my grandmama, they despise it now. Every time she said she's like, I do despise.

[Ray Zawadney]

I feel like that was a deleted scene from Leo DiCaprio in Django.

[Phil Duckett]

He probably wrote. And he was like, I can't say this.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

But as a real state. My grandma's always saying it's part of that.

[Turner Sparks]

Chris Rock.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

What about New York dining and dining outside in New York, you get a homeless person asking you for change every 10 seconds while you're eating.

[Turner Sparks]

Like the 68 bus crashing into you. Exhaust.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

I saw a homeless guy go up to two ladies together who happened to have short haircuts, and he took their purse and ran away with it.

[Turner Sparks]

Whoa.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. That's crazy. I make Dougal, when I was homeless.

[Turner Sparks]

Cheaper to get outside the dining I would do.

[Ray Zawadney]

I like that. Yeah, I like that idea.

[Turner Sparks]

It's half price if you sit outside on our curb.

[Phil Duckett]

I don't know, but that's. I mean, that's not a bad idea.

[Turner Sparks]

Why not? Then I would say.

[Phil Duckett]

But I also respect the outdoor seating that they have around, because as we talked about last week, when I told you I was a man whore getting flown out to Europe, the. I was homeless at the time.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

And so some. Some weeks were good where I would book gigs like that, but sometimes I'd be starving, like, genuinely, just like, I'm like, I think I'm gonna pass out. And so I would walk past places with outdoor seating and people that would freshly get up. I'd go and scoop, like a handful of fries or some chicken tenders that they left, and I would just eat right off the plate. Like, I'd scoop it. So it was like a paragon falcon scooping and keep.

[Turner Sparks]

This is my own dine outside.

[Phil Duckett]

And I'm just, hey, Phil, how are you?

[Turner Sparks]

You're from a nice family?

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, really nice family.

[Turner Sparks]

And then how did you end up homeless in New York City? Stealing fries?

[Phil Duckett]

Because when I first moved to New York, I had this impression that you gotta. You can only serve one master. So if I'm gonna give my all to comedy, how could I ever have a real job? A 9 to 5? Because that means it would take focus Away from the comedy.

[Turner Sparks]

Okay.

[Phil Duckett]

So when I first was getting here, trying to get established and nobody knew me and I could only perform at bar shows, I just wanted to, like, go all in. And so I had, like, a little day gig and end up losing it because I'd be out so late with a comedy or show up late. They fired me. And so it got to the point where I couldn't, you know, I wasn't finding jobs and shit. But I also knew I had something in comedy. So I was like, I just gotta find a way to stay in New York.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

And also knew, like I said, coming from that good family that I was in my. If my parents found out that I was on the streets.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Or even sleeping on the train or in the park like I did, they would have made me come home. I was like, absolutely. Are you out of your mind?

[Turner Sparks]

Oh, they wouldn't, like, be like, hey, can we help you out? They'd be like, get the hell out of this.

[Phil Duckett]

My mama told me that before I moved here. She said, this is your dream that you're chasing. She said you have a master's degree. She said, you have all the tools.

[Turner Sparks]

You're homeless or the masters.

[Phil Duckett]

She said, you have all the tools, and you are some. Be successful. So if you choose not to be, that's not our problem. They're like, because you've made this choice to pursue your dream, so you got to chase it no matter what. We're not here to save you.

[Ray Zawadney]

Well, and there is.

[Phil Duckett]

I respect that, because it also made me who. You know, I needed that. People have that outlet. Make it in New York three months, four months. No, I'm going home.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah.

[Ray Zawadney]

There is that, like, romanticizing of that, like, sleeping in my car and, like, doing all these things to make the dream happen. So. So it makes sense that you would be like that because I was doing shit like that when I first moved.

[Turner Sparks]

Right.

[Phil Duckett]

You just got here, and I was like, I can't. If I tell my mom, she's like, come home.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

Are you out of your mind?

[Turner Sparks]

I don't remember the romantic part of eating people's French fries.

[Phil Duckett]

You ain't never been hungry.

[Ray Zawadney]

I mean, I. I slept on a broken futon for six months. That came with the apartment.

[Phil Duckett]

Oh, you were indoors. Cool.

[Ray Zawadney]

Wow.

[Phil Duckett]

The privilege on that statement, meanwhile, must be nice. Turner.

[Ray Zawadney]

Killer.

[Phil Duckett]

I slept in Riverside Park a couple nights. Not very often in the summer. And then I slept on the A and the two and three trail nights. Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

Anything dangerous that's never. Don't people get like robbed and stabbed. Sleeping on the street.

[Phil Duckett]

You see my big black ass and you got to be.

[Turner Sparks]

I mean by other homeless people.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, but you got to be mighty hungry to tangle with this bear, you know, I mean, because I ain't no little motherfucker. So you know me. I don't look like free lunch, you know, I mean, you got to be starving.

[Ray Zawadney]

No, no free lunch.

[Turner Sparks]

Like just a terrifying sentence. I definitely look like free lunch.

[Phil Duckett]

That's what I'm saying, baby. You barbecue chicken.

[Turner Sparks]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

You are finger licking good, baby. I see you on the train coming up. You don't know me, but you also was like. It's the what if. Like the biggest. He's 6, 2, 2:30. He could be a problem. So.

[Ray Zawadney]

But you never start. You never had like a cop. Like you gotta wake up table.

[Phil Duckett]

I can't sleep. And I would get up and act like I'm sitting up as soon as the train pulled off. Because it ain't like that at every station. So. Yeah. I mean, but I only have like a few times. But like on a summer night, I'd sleep in Riverside park by the water.

[Ray Zawadney]

How was that? It sounds nice.

[Phil Duckett]

It wasn't bad because you know, you know, I drink and party so much, the bars don't close till 4.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

I get to the park around 5, 5:30. I gotta sleep three hours till the sun comes up.

[Ray Zawadney]

How are you like washing your ass? Are you getting clean?

[Phil Duckett]

So some. I mean, I didn't have an awesome. Some nights I didn't wash because, I mean, but what I ended up doing is because like I said, I'm decent looking fellow, handsome. And I was always a. So what I did is I would always just any time I would do a show in a borough, I'd meet one girl. So I had a go bag in every borough. So I'd have underwear, change of clothes. Toothbrush. Queens, Brooklyn.

[Ray Zawadney]

Like an assassin. Yeah.

[Turner Sparks]

At different women's homes.

[Phil Duckett]

Different women's home. So no matter where I stayed, I could get there and take a shower. And I only had to do was a survivor.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah.

[Phil Duckett]

All I had to do was.

[Turner Sparks]

Oh my God.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, you gotta pay the toe. Hey, man, I some of New York City's ugliest one.

[Turner Sparks]

But it all worked out. You're on the number one on the Internet.

[Phil Duckett]

Come on now. Special out. Yeah.

[Ray Zawadney]

I mean, for a roof.

[Phil Duckett]

I love it, baby. It's called Hobo section.

[Ray Zawadney]

I've been there.

[Turner Sparks]

All right. Hobo Sexual might be the name of the episode. Patreon subscribers. Thank you everybody. We forgot to promote at the beginning of the show. But anybody who signed up this week, we're gonna give you a shout out next week. And all you guys stick around. We're gonna be talking more with Ray. And we got one more bonus question for Patreon. But before we get to that, Joe White, Lies and dark truths. What do we get right? What we get wrong? Let us know.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

Well, I got two things. And the second one, I don't know how many say this, but the first thing is you guys are talking about Pizzagate, right?

[Turner Sparks]

Yes.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

So actually, so what it is. Edgar Madison Welch, a 20 year old man, arrived at the pizza place and fired three shots from a rifle that struck the restaurant's walls, desk, and door. Nobody was injured.

[Ray Zawadney]

I just didn't want you to talk.

[Turner Sparks]

What?

[Ray Zawadney]

That fucking.

[Turner Sparks]

I got silenced.

[Phil Duckett]

Fox. They censored you.

[Ray Zawadney]

John McCain's whore daughter was fucking people lying to you.

[Turner Sparks]

Kennedy. They told me the people died. They cut the tape. These sons of. All right, what's next?

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

So Phil was saying this quote that his mom used to say.

[Ray Zawadney]

What was it?

[Phil Duckett]

Flies. I do despise.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

And then, then the rest of it is the more I see, the more I like flies.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah, that's exactly what I see. The more I like flies. That is a real saying, though.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

So I looked it up and it's really hard to find. But I see a lot of black people on. On these forums saying that. Yeah, their parents used to say it all the time. Some people are saying that Clarence Thomas said it, but we think it's. They think it's because it's just an old thing to say.

[Phil Duckett]

It is an old black. And I'm. I can assure you it came from a white slave owner at some point. But I've never heard a white person say it because it's that harsh and.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

It'S used to condemn like riff raff opposed to what people believe is be more outstanding blacks in your community.

[Ray Zawadney]

What was that extended edition of it?

[Phil Duckett]

And flies I do despise. The more I see, then why I like flies.

[Joe the Muscle Russell]

Oh, but it's really hard to find anything. It's really hard to find anything.

[Turner Sparks]

Good time to say this is our Martin Luther King Day episode, everybody.

[Phil Duckett]

It's a good time to say this. You're killing crazy. You know what?

[Ray Zawadney]

You know what is so crazy time to say this?

[Phil Duckett]

Martin Luther King Day is ridiculous.

[Ray Zawadney]

You know what? That just triggered a memory of is we were talking about like the, the grade school that I went to in like music class during Black History Month. We used to learn all of, like, the slave songs.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. And it was follow the drinking gourd.

[Ray Zawadney]

Yeah, bro. Free at last. Free at last.

[Phil Duckett]

I don't like him singing none of these. But the thing is, they teach us all that. They tell everybody.

[Ray Zawadney]

Well, I told you, it wasn't 100 black school. It was half. And so it was just like a bunch of like.

[Phil Duckett]

And all the glad people was like, Ray, what the. You clapping for.

[Ray Zawadney]

Me? Off rhythm though.

[Phil Duckett]

Yeah. Happy birthday. All right.

[Turner Sparks]

I want to apologize to the entire African American community.

[Phil Duckett]

You ain't gotta apologize for me. They know we say it. It's our saying.

[Turner Sparks]

At the end of every episode, we apologize to a new race episode. It was Japan. That's it. Patreon subscribers, stick around. We got more with Ray.

[Phil Duckett]

Everybody else, stay black.

[Turner Sparks]

Stay black.

[Phil Duckett]

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[Ray Zawadney]

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[Phil Duckett]

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