Bazinga On A Jazzy Scooter

Summary

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Bloodline Banter – “Bazinga On A Jazzy Scooter”

Podcast: Bloodline Banter
Hosts: Landon & Riley
Air Date: March 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Landon and Riley return from a “seven-day vacation” (a cruise) and deliver a hilarious, candid, and thoroughly Southern debrief of their travels—covering everything from cruise ship food excesses and wild port adventures to quirky fellow passengers and family drama in their “Cousin Council” advice segment. With plenty of banter and quotable moments, this episode encapsulates the hosts’ laid-back charm and penchant for storytelling. The episode’s title, “Bazinga On A Jazzy Scooter,” comes to life through colorful cruise characters they befriended.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Vacation Philosophy & Cruise Food Frenzy

• [00:23] Riley asserts the value of relaxing on vacation:

  “I go on vacation to do the things that I can't do at home. So...I slept in, okay? And I can't do that here. So I had fun.”

• The hosts outline the cruise’s all-you-can-eat culture & their approach:
  • Immediate trip to the buffet upon boarding
  • Multiple appetizers, entrees, and desserts every night
  • Unapologetic about indulging; dismissing critics on social media ([03:38])
• [04:07] The cruise’s scale:
  • 33,000 eggs, 5,600 gallons of ice cream, 10,000 pounds of bacon for one voyage
  • Landon: “Americans are some greedy fat bitches, okay?”
• [05:35] Memorable desserts:
  • Riley: “That lemon curd tartlet had me by the neck.”
  • “If that didn’t light your fire, your wood is wet. You're out of wood.”
• Praise for cruise ship staff ([05:53]):
  • “They are the nicest people you will ever meet in your life...they are so personable.”

2. Port Adventures: Cozumel, Puerto Costa Maya, Belize

• Cozumel ([07:38])
  • Favorite port; felt safe (“I feel safer in Cozumel than Atlanta” – [08:02])
  • Purchasing prescription meds over-the-counter (“American health care is so screwed” – [08:29])
  • Street tacos out of a van: “It was a spiritual experience, I must say.” ([09:19])
  • Senor Frog’s antics ([09:39]): “By the end of the fourth shot she’s playing with my nipples.”
    • Riley: “I have never felt more violated in my life.” ([09:51])
• Puerto Costa Maya ([10:45])
  • Pier described as “about 13 miles long”
  • Overwhelmed by the heat and vastness (“I was looking for a bicycle, a unicycle, anything to get my fat ass off of my feet” – [11:05])
  • Declined offers of Mayan massages with “happy ending” ([11:51])
  • Landon: “Happy ending would be me ending at the buffet today.” ([12:00])
• Belize ([13:07])
  • Tender boat to shore; struggle to find adequate refreshment ([13:21])
  • Disappointing local food experience
    • “Their chicken tenders tasted like they blended that up in a blender first...” ([14:59])
    • “Who orders chicken tenders at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Belize?” – Landon, [15:27]

3. Cruise Characters & Memorable Encounters

• Debbie & the Doctor ([16:00])
  • Memorable meeting with an 85-year-old orthopedic surgeon (“If she’s not rich, she is managing her money terribly” – [17:04])
  • “I must say I'm a hard nut to crack. And I'm impressed with you too, young man.” ([17:45])
• Denise & Bazinga ([18:10])
  • Denise: Loud, proud, fun cruise friend (“If my mother-in-law is half the woman that Denise is, one day, I've done it pretty good.” – [18:19])
  • On-air FaceTime call with Denise ([19:08]-[20:10])
• Bazinga ([20:43])
  • Elderly woman on a “jazzy scooter”; karaoke star and cruise trivia queen
  • “Bazinga was bazing…she was putting on theatrics and she was crying and Bazinga was bazing. And that made my whole cruise.” ([21:21])
• Pool Competitions
  • Belly flop contest ([21:46])
    • Winner described as “confidently about 500 pounds” who “jumped up about five feet”
    • “That's half the water...was no longer in the pool whenever he finished. And you know what? He earned that medal.” ([22:25])

4. Riffs & Running Jokes

• Chicken tenders obsession ([03:18], [07:29], [13:10]):
  • Recurring jokes about Riley’s love of chicken tenders on cruise ships—and failed attempts to find good ones in Belize
• Red Dye 40 / American food chemicals ([23:00])
  • Landon: “Why are we getting rid of Red Dye 40?”
  • Riley: “Landon turns into a damn spider monkey. I mean, they could have put him in a cosmo zoo.”
• Missing Persons & True Crime
  • Discussion of the Amy Bradley case ([26:24])
    • “Amy Bradley went missing on our boat…if I'd have told him that Amy…he wouldn't have went.”
    • Wishing for Teresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium, to communicate with Amy Bradley’s spirit ([27:25])

5. Random Banter & Tangents

• Quarter-zip fashion:
  • Riley: “When the hell did a quarter zip ever go out of style? I've been looking like I'm selling insurance my whole life.” ([29:17])
• Cruise paranoia, world news
  • Fretting over U.S.-Iran tension while abroad ([29:55])
  • “You mess with the US of A, and…we'll put a boot in your ass.” ([30:51])
• Quality and variation of ship cocktails:
  • Tom Collins and vodka lemonade praise ([32:07])

6. Cousin Council Advice Segment

([34:12] onward)

• Listeners submit wild confessions for “counsel”; hosts respond with blunt, humorous advice:
  • Uncle tries to convince listener’s mom to leave husband: “Take this to Jerry Springer.”
  • Confused relationship rumors: “We are cousins. And we are not kissing cousins. Okay?” ([36:26])
  • Creepy brother secret: “So you want to make my friend a juicy steak? And then do her. You dirty bastard.” ([38:45])
  • Repeated headshaking at listener drama: “Every time we do these, like, I lose a little bit of brain cells.” ([39:04])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Self-roast on vacationing style:
  • Riley: “Call me self conceited, call me not a gentleman, call me whatever you want. Just don't call me late for the buffet.” ([02:38])
• On food excess:
  • “Calories don’t count in international waters.” – Landon, [05:48]
• On cruise staff:
  • Riley: “Best service I've ever had in my life.” ([06:41])
• Senor Frog’s incident:
  • Landon: “She comes around with a bottle and by the end of the fourth shot she’s playing with my nipples.” ([09:39])
• Bazinga’s performance:
  • “For karaoke, she serenaded everybody and drove around…on her jazzy scooter. And she was hilarious.” ([21:04])
• Reflection on national news while cruising:
  • “We got out of the country and…there’s a video of the President saying, we've bummed Iran.” ([29:59])
• Cousin Council Realness:
  • “We are not from Alabama. We are blood related…No advice. Because under every damn video that me and Landon post…it’s ‘Are Riley and Landon dating?’” – [36:26]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introduction & Cruise Food Talk: 00:15–07:35
• Ports & Excursions (Cozumel, Costa Maya, Belize): 07:38–17:00
• Meeting Fellow Passengers (Denise, Bazinga, etc.): 18:00–22:32
• Food Chemicals & Quirky Snacks: 23:00–25:00
• True Crime on Ships & Teresa Caputo: 26:24–28:49
• Fashion, News, and Random Tangents: 29:00–33:37
• Cousin Council Advice Section: 34:08–39:45

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Tone and Style

The hosts’ distinctive, unfiltered Southern humor and mutual ribbing infuse every segment, with running jokes about cruise ship excess, family quirks, and their tight bond. The episode is peppered with catchphrases, salty language, and uproarious honesty—making listeners feel like part of a (rowdy) family reunion.

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For listeners seeking escapist stories, cruise tips (and warnings), or just a laugh, this episode is essential Bloodline Banter.

Transcript

[A]

Get away from me. I didn't hear nothing.

[B]

And you go there, you stupid.

[A]

I don't even love this, but I ain't eating no damn tuna fish bread.

[B]

Well, everybody, welcome back to Bloodline Banter. I'm Landon.

[A]

And I'm Riley.

[B]

And we just returned back from our seven day vacation.

[A]

It was eventful, to say the least. But before you. Before you think. Oh, well, y' all didn't do very much. Listen, I go on vacation to do the things that I can't do at home. So before you think to yourself, Riley, you didn't hardly do anything. I slept in, okay? And I can't do that here. So I had fun. And I'm not getting up every morning with the Hardee's church crowd to walk around on the top deck and get sunburned.

[B]

In fact, we did the very first day get sunburned.

[A]

But that was the only day.

[B]

It wasn't even that sunny outside. The wind was blowing.

[A]

No. And we weren't even in the sun because we didn't even. We didn't go get a. I ordered us some towel clips from Amazon and we used them once. We laid out one time on a seven day trip.

[B]

I still have the sun from the very first day.

[A]

Yeah, I do, too. My chest is peeling.

[B]

My chest is peeling. My nipples are peeling. My nose is peeling. My face is peeling. My neck, my. Everywhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I look like a reptilian.

[B]

Let's talk about our favorite part of the boat. The ship.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The food.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We ate so much. Oh, we're happy to report Riley did not gain 16 pounds this time.

[A]

I gained five. But then I took a really hefty Tennessee volunteer yesterday, and I'm happy to report it's gone. I'm skinny again.

[B]

A really hefty.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In other words, he took a hefty boot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I gained none.

[A]

Landon, you never gained weight, so wish it's. You don't wish it.

[B]

I ate. We ate. Okay. So on these cruises, they're all inclusive, so you just can order as much food as you want.

[A]

The very first thing we did when we got on this boat was head straight to the buffet. I mean, we didn't even. Like. We went to the mustard station because you have to do that whenever you get on a cruise. The mustard station is if hits the fan, you go to that portion of the boat.

[B]

But I can assure you that if hits the fan, if in my mustard station is one and it's on the opposite side of the boat, I'm not going.

[A]

I'm not going to.

[B]

I'm knocking grandma over to get to my dinghy and I'm I'm station.

[A]

You can call me self conceited, call me not a gentleman, call me whatever you want. Just don't call me late for the buffet. But that's not my point.

[B]

And don't call me late for the damn.

[A]

Don't tell me. Listen, if hits the fan, I'm your man, okay? Because I'm getting on that damn boat, man, woman, children, I don't care.

[B]

No, you're getting on first.

[A]

Yeah, I have a long life ahead of me with Lord willing and the creek don't rise and I'm getting on the damn dinghy.

[B]

I am too.

[A]

I'll help you once I'm on.

[B]

You know you had to like slide down slides to get in them.

[A]

I'll do what I have to do to get in one. I would love to see the inside of one, but I don't want to have to.

[B]

Anyways, we. We ate so much on this ship, it was not even real. We went to the buffet at least three times a day.

[A]

My favorite part of the video, I don't even know. I feel like a basic white woman because I've never ate so many chicken tenders in my life.

[B]

Yeah, and remember chicken tenders because I want to go back to that one whenever we talk about something else. But we ordered every night three appetizers a piece, two or three entrees a piece and two or three desserts a piece.

[A]

And some people think that's trashy. And if you think that's trashy, then I don't really care.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We've had people s up on my Snapchat story. Instagram be like, y' all are trashy for ordering that much. I paid for it. I'm going to order it.

[A]

What One thing you don't realize about a cruise. Whenever you go to the main dining room on a cruise, you order what you want. They don't care. They have so much. On the third the. What day was it?

[B]

I don't even.

[A]

On the last night of the cruise, the main chef came out and he was telling us how much of everything they had went through. 33000 eggs. 33,000 eggs on this one cruise.

[B]

And this was the smallest ship. They had

[A]

a damn basement on board and they have a chicken farm. They have to.

[B]

They also went through a. 5,600 gallons of ice cream. 5,600 gallons of ice cream.

[A]

Everybody on that boat left with I'm

[B]

happy to report at least 1,000 of them run. Probably everybody had four ice cream cones an hour.

[A]

Everybody on that boat left with an extra tip and three more rolls they had to have. They used 10,000 pounds of bacon.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

10. That's like the whole.

[B]

That's enough bacon.

[A]

That's old McDonald's whole damn farm of pigs. I mean, how Americans are some greedy fat bitches, okay? I just know that they are thinking to themselves, damn, but yeah, we ordered

[B]

Americans three appetizers, three entrees, two desserts every single night. We made it to like the second entre and could only eat maybe like two bites of it. And then it went to waste. But, oh well.

[A]

But we ate our dessert.

[B]

Yeah, we did. That royal cheesecake is so good.

[A]

That lemon curd tartlet had me by the neck.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

It, it. If that didn't light your fire, your wood is wet. You're out of wood.

[B]

You. Yeah, you never had any to begin with.

[A]

And every night. See, this is what I love about cruises. The, the.

[B]

You know what though? Calories don't count in international waters.

[A]

Amen.

[B]

Nothing else does. Calories don't either.

[A]

I wish you'd preach the staff on these cruise ships like they're from. I think there were 778 crew members on our boat. 58 from 58 different countries. They are the nicest people you will ever meet in your life. You get on that boat and they do this every week. They work seven month contracts every single day. When one cruise ends, a couple hours later they're all cleaning the boat and then they get back on another one. They. It is so personable. And I don't know if it's just Royal Caribbean or if it's anybody. They are so personable. Like we ordered one the very first night and the next night our server and our assistant waitress, they knew what we were going to order.

[B]

They brought so much water the damn first night, she went ahead and brought him two. Two glasses of water. The second one, her name, Diva was our assistant.

[A]

Yasa was our waiter. Best service I've ever had in my life.

[B]

Unlimited pizza.

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you. I didn't. I think I ate one piece of pizza the whole trip.

[B]

I ate two.

[A]

I just, I couldn't. I can't do it. No, I. It's just very free room service.

[B]

Free room service from 6am in the morning until 2am and no, all night.

[A]

It's like 24 7. They just like switch from breakfast to

[B]

lunch room service every night, every Night ordered three or four more entrees. After we ate our five or six appetizers and entre at dinner. Cuz we stayed up so late.

[A]

But we, we did eat room service.

[B]

Yeah, that chick soup has me by the neck. As you said.

[A]

Make your eyes roll back in your head.

[B]

And you got chicken tenders every damn night.

[A]

Every night. There's something about a chicken tender with that honey mustard on them boats that I just.

[B]

They've got anyway, besides the food. We went to where we go first.

[A]

We had a day at sea and then we went to Cosmo.

[B]

Okay, let's talk about Cosmo. Let's debrief on Cozumel.

[A]

Cosmo was fun. I think it was probably my favorite port.

[B]

You know, it was mine too. And no cartels were inside. No, that was the first thing. Like you know the cruise directors like have fun in Cozumel. My family group chat is like the cartels. The cartels and no cartels.

[A]

Cosmetic was very safe. I feel safer in Cozumel than I would in like Atlanta.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just. Yeah, cosmetic was fun.

[A]

We did have a guy they sell over the counter.

[B]

It's prescription medications.

[A]

I just don't know what we can say because the Internet soft and they're going to think we're running a ring or something. Like they're not.

[B]

Bitch. They're selling a Moxicillin and Viagra.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, you can buy. American health care is so screwed. You can literally buy this stuff over the counter for US$10 in Mexico. And I had a try to sell me Viagra.

[B]

Happy to report. I did not partake. Happy to report.

[A]

I don't need it and I don't. Yeah.

[B]

And that freaked me out a little bit. I mean what if you take a. What they sell you as an amoxicillin and it's really like a horse tranquilizer. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's a risky run.

[B]

Yeah. Well.

[A]

But I will say this. I would trust the. I would trust Mexican food out of a white van in Mexico before. I trust a gas station sushi in America. And we did. We found us some tacos out of a sketch sketchy part of town. And you know what? I've never looked forward to eating a taco so much in my life.

[B]

There was two things to fear in Mexico and now and Riley chasing a taco truck.

[A]

I feel like I can roll my R's now. And I feel like I'm 100 bilingual because somebody's abuela made some horchata and some tacos. In the back of a white van. And it was a spiritual experience, I must say.

[B]

And then we went to Senor Frogs.

[A]

We did get a Senor Frog and

[B]

they asked me if I wanted a shot and I said yes. Okay. And she comes around with a bottle and by the end of the fourth shot she's playing with my nipples.

[A]

True story. She played with mine too. And I have never felt more violated in my life. And you know, I've been, I was £300 at one point.

[B]

I mean, they want everybody to see that they're playing with your nipples. So it's not just like, oh, have a shot. Woohoo. They're blowing a whistle, making.

[A]

Not to mention, this is the weakest shot I've ever taken. Yeah, I've taken a good bit of shots in my life. This was literally water, like it didn't even take. And then after that she grabbed my hand, she put my hands on my head and then, and then she goes and she does my head like that. And then she just.

[B]

We'll insert some pictures.

[A]

Scrooped me is what she did. If she would have done that in America, she would have caught a felony and ended up on Rockers Island. But that's besides the point. She would have been good.

[B]

Cozumel was wonderful though. I actually did like it a lot.

[A]

Yeah, it was good. Cozumel was fun. And then after cosmetic we went to Puerto Costa Maya.

[B]

No, we went to Belize.

[A]

No, we went to Belize on the third day.

[B]

Well, Puerto Costa Maya, I got off the boat for about 10 minutes.

[A]

Puerto Coastma was fun. I really liked the port. But the damn pier to get from the boat to the port was about 13 miles long. And by the time I got to the end of it, my fat ass was dying. Yeah, well, and not to mention it was 8 o' clock in the morning, it was already 90 degrees. The UV index was trying to cut all the way to my superior vena cava of my heart. And we get on the damn, we get off the boat, go walk to the port. By the end of that I was looking for a bicycle, a unicycle, anything to get my fat ass off of my feet is what I was looking for.

[B]

Well, I finally got locked that when I got off the boat I was going to end up on naked and afraid in two seconds. It was a damn rainforest, an Amazon rainforest. And my ass is not getting on no damn island that has trees and monkeys and Amazon creatures. Yeah, not, not for me.

[A]

It was intense. We started walking and then we got asked if we wanted a Mayan massage

[B]

in the middle of a hut in the damn Amazon rainforest. And the answer was hail to the no.

[A]

And then one of them looked at me and said, happy ending.

[B]

They're weird over there. Not weird.

[A]

I'm like, no, thank you. No happy ending for me. Happy ending would be me ending at the buffet today. Okay? I don't want happy ending in a Mayan hut.

[B]

But there's people, like, what the. They, like, dress up.

[A]

It's like a part of their culture. It's like, they dress up.

[B]

They're, like, very loud and proud, which. As they should be. But I was walking by one of them, I have a video, and he goes.

[A]

He scared out of. Landon.

[B]

Sure the hell did.

[A]

You sure did.

[B]

And, yeah, but I customized. I would not go back.

[A]

I would. I mean, I. I wouldn't fly there, but, like, if we stopped on a cruise, I might. If we stopped on the cruise, I

[B]

wouldn't get off the boat.

[A]

Yeah. I'll be honest with you. Some people are like, oh, my gosh. You guys didn't stop the boat very long. Well, let me tell you something. I go on the cruise ship for the ship, okay? If I wanted to go to the island, I'd fly there. I go. So I can eat unlimited chicken tenders at 11 o' clock at night or 2 o' clock in the morning and go watch some show or go watch awful, awful people sing karaoke.

[B]

We've talked about chicken tenders enough. Let's just skip to Belize.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Okay. We go to Belize.

[A]

We can never talk about chicken tenders enough. But I. I understand what you're saying.

[B]

Well, I'm. We're gonna go to the.

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

We went to Belize. This is one of the ones that didn't have a pier. You have to get on a boat.

[A]

It's called a tinder port. I hate them.

[B]

You have to get on a. You have to step off the cruise ship onto a little dinghy boat and then take the dinghy boat five miles to the shore. We're starving to death. Riley's about to thirst to death. He's dying.

[A]

I'm so thirsty. My mouth is the Sahara desert and there's three camels walking around on my tongue. That's how I felt.

[B]

And he would not shut the hell up. Landon. Landon. I need a damn water land. I'm going to pass that.

[A]

I needed a water.

[B]

I need a water. We get up there, the orders. A mango mimosa. Alcohol.

[A]

No, I didn't. She came over and I said, I need A water and a Sprite. And she said, cash or card? I said, card. She said, you have to spend $10 in order to use your card. I said, well, then give me something else or charge me $10. I don't give a. And so then she walks by with a mango daiquiri. And Landon goes, that mango daiquiri looks good. And it did look good. It looked like sorbet. Okay, it was. It looked scrum delicious. And so I was like, give me a mango daiquiri. And. Because I thought Landon wanted one. So we're both going to get one. You know, we're going to party it up in Belize.

[B]

No. Hell no, I was not.

[A]

And then Landon goes, I don't want one. I was like, okay, never mind. Just give me the Sprite in the water. So I gave me the sprout in the water, and then I take off a liquid IV packet and I poured in my water. Poured in my water, left white powder all over the thing. They probably thought I was, but I wasn't. I was liquid iv. And yeah, it was.

[B]

Yeah. And then we were starving to death. So we go to this hole in the wall restaurant in Belize thinking it was going to be busting.

[A]

Yeah. A hole in the wall in a foreign country that makes me want to do three cartwheels off the Birch Khalifa. Let me tell you something. It tasted like.

[B]

Let me tell you what their chicken tenders tasted like. They blended that up in a blender first and then pattied it together and

[A]

then rolled it out and then breaded it in, like, panka breadcrumbs. It looked like a coconut, crispy rolled. And then they deep fried it. And then they brought me some fries. That was the worst shit I've ever eaten in my life. Now, they didn't have fries. They gave me. I had a baked potato with off brand chicken tenders, and I. Red beans and rice.

[B]

But let Raleigh. It's Loki our fault because who orders chicken tenders at a holding them all restaurant in Belize?

[A]

Well, Landon, I'll be honest with you.

[B]

I ordered a quesadilla and that was bad.

[A]

I sat down expecting to order something very authentic and, like, cultural. And they didn't have anything like that on the menu.

[B]

No, they didn't.

[A]

We went to an off brand Burger King.

[B]

Is Belize its own country?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We were in Belize City, Belize. So then we got off. We ended up getting back on the boat, and then it started raining on the tinder boat to go back to the big boat. Started raining.

[B]

But we did meet two Wonderful women.

[A]

We did Debbie and the doctor is

[B]

what they called themselves and Debbie was Debbie, I guess she was retired and the doctor was an orthopedic surgeon.

[A]

Dr. Morrison, I don't know, I can't remember her first name and I probably wouldn't say it even if I did but love them.

[B]

Like this lady had to have been 85. And I swear to you, her not 85. Really.

[A]

Probably like she still practices though. And she, I said, we said do you still practice? And she said yeah, I still practice, but I only go in when they need me because nobody else knows how to do the things that I do.

[B]

And I was like, yeah, she was a badass. And it was an anesthesiologist before she

[A]

spent 24 years in school. That's, that's a, that's a prison sentence. 24 years in school. I did my 12, I never even went to college and I dropp the hell out.

[B]

You did go to college but you dropped out.

[A]

I went to college and then I thought I'm just going to do online school and guess what? I didn't do online school because I don't have the grit and determination to sit in front of a computer and learn all but Debbie and the doctor,

[B]

you think they were rich?

[A]

22 years of school, an anesthesiologist, then orthopedic surgeon. If she's not rich, she is managing her money terribly. Either that or she worked for like a non profit that didn't pay her nothing.

[B]

Well, they were, they were nice and

[A]

she's doing it for the Lord.

[B]

But her, she was like 75 and her hands were steady as a damn done. They're just steady as can be.

[A]

Yeah. Literally.

[B]

Yeah, well, yeah, I was just, I was, I was staring at it. I was like let's see if this is shaking as she is. I'm reporting her to the health association of the something America. It is. And, and no, she didn't move.

[A]

She, and she looked at us and she was like, I, I must say I'm a hard nut to crack. And I'm impressed with you too, young man.

[B]

She did.

[A]

And I was like, yeah, she was very nice. Debbie.

[B]

Debbie. And the doctor.

[A]

Give me a kiss, Debbie.

[B]

But. And then after them we got on the boat the next day, the next

[A]

two days were sea days. These were our last two days.

[B]

We have seen these other two people throughout the ship. The loudest person on the boat, I'm telling you, you thought we were loud.

[A]

She walked into a room and the

[B]

whole everybody, her name was Denise and She and her. She was there with her daughter in law.

[A]

Her daughter in law. They were on a girls trip.

[B]

Let me tell you something.

[A]

If my mother in law is half the woman that Denise is, one day, I've done it pretty good. And not just cuz she's loud. Denise was a bundle of fun.

[B]

Oh, gosh, she was so much fun. She would stand up and yell. She'd take the microphone and do karaoke. She would. Oh, hell. She's just.

[A]

She was fun, but she wasn't so fun that it was embarrassing. Like, she wouldn't embarrass you if you're. If she was with you.

[B]

Yeah, we do.

[A]

Yeah, she's at work. We already talked to her. Trust me. We spent all day with her yesterday at the airport. She's coming on the podcast. We already got it situated.

[B]

Oh, yeah, she is coming on the. Denise.

[A]

Can we try her?

[B]

You want to?

[A]

You can if you want to. Okay.

[B]

Denise Cruz. I have her in my phone.

[A]

Oh, today's her granddaughter's birthday.

[B]

Are you sure?

[A]

Yeah, they're having a birthday party with her grandkids today.

[B]

I'm FaceTiming her. Denise, what are you doing? Oh, hey. Hey. Riley and I are sitting on the set of the podcast right now and we're talking about y'. All. No way. Yeah, we are. Do you want to say hey to the camera or no? Okay.

[A]

Hey, what's up?

[B]

But, yeah, we were talking about how you were the loudest person on the boat and you were the most fun and we enjoyed hanging out with you and you're the best. And how you have a travel agency called Seize the Day Travel. And. And that's right. That's right. There's Riley.

[A]

Hey, Denise. Oh, what's up? What's up? Come to Texas. Hey, we're coming.

[B]

Texas.

[A]

Yeah, let's come with us. We're going on a cruise at the

[B]

end of the month.

[A]

We're going on a cruise at the end of the month out of Texas.

[B]

Oh, hell. Our producer wants to say hey, Denise.

[A]

Hey, what's up? How you doing? I'm doing great. We had so much fun with Landon and Riley. It was a blast.

[B]

Hey, we had fun with y'. All.

[A]

Yeah, it was great.

[B]

Alrighty. Well, we're gonna talk to you later. We love y'. All.

[A]

I love you too.

[B]

Bye.

[A]

Fun fact, we met them on the last day of the cruise. If we would have met them on the first day, we would have probably ended up in a cosmetic jail. Oh, yeah, because I remember sitting at the game show before we ever Even introduced ourselves to him. And I was like, oh, my God, that woman, she's insane. And I love it. Like, insane in the best way possible.

[B]

We were doing a trivia game and she made up names for everybody. And one of the names she made up for this lady that was on like a scooter was Bazinga.

[A]

It's because they were doing. It's because they were doing trivia and they were doing some kind of trivia with what. What show is bizing A Big Bang Theory.

[B]

Big Bang Theory, yeah.

[A]

And they were doing big bang theory trivia. And this woman knew all the answers.

[B]

She said she.

[A]

They called her Bazinga. Well, let me tell you about Bazinga. Bazinga lives on the boat. Bazinga is probably 75 years old and she rides a jazzy scooter around. And she was the funniest woman I've ever seen in my life. For karaoke, she serenaded everybody and drove around the inserting on her. On her jazzy scooter. And she was hilarious. Like, she was put. She grabbed a napkin, she was putting on theatrics and she was crying and Bazinga was bazing. And that made my whole cruise. But go ahead, finish what you.

[B]

I don't even remember I was going to say now.

[A]

Sorry, you talking about Denise and Bazinga

[B]

and the game show trivia, the big man flop.

[A]

There was a sexiest man competition on the boat.

[B]

That's not even what I was talking about.

[A]

I decided not to participate because I didn't want to show anybody up. But they also had a belly flop competition.

[B]

He also did not participate in that. I'm not belly flopped and I fear that it would have mattered because the guy that belly flopped and won was, well, confidently about £500.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he.

[A]

You know what, though? And he didn't just belly. He didn't. Most people, whenever they're that big and they do a belly flopping contest, they think all they have to do is fall for it forward. No, he jumped up about five feet and.

[B]

Yeah. And you know what? He's so big on the pool, it. I can't say that half the water

[A]

was no longer in the pool whenever he finished. Yeah. And you know what? He earned that medal.

[B]

He did. He sure the hell did.

[A]

There was only one woman that did it.

[B]

It felt like I ran on our boat. But we can't put that in there anyways. We could, but whatever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyways, Aaron, please will you bring my drink? Went to five guys this morning. Shout out. Five guys. And burgers and fries.

[A]

Well, my. My dad calls it five Go kids. I'm going to go get some soccer after this.

[B]

I got high.

[A]

My dad calls it five guys and a shitload of fries. Cuz they do give you a I

[B]

got high seafood punch this morning. You know, riley, red dot 40 made me crazy as a kid. And all these other countries are getting rid of it, and now our stuff is.

[A]

Yeah, it's probably because it's poison in half the world. I mean, I've seen how you act on it. It literally is not well for them. Yeah, but.

[B]

Pisses me the hell off. Why are we getting rid of red dye 40?

[A]

I'm not saying that we should get rid of it, Landon, but if you had to be me whenever you drank it, you would. You would understand. Landon turns into a damn spider monkey. I mean, they could have put him in a cosmo zoo like. I mean, bouncing off the damn bazinga. Bazinga. Bazinga. Like, crazier now.

[B]

Anyways, I. I'll keep my poison. Everybody's got their addiction. Mine's Red Dy. 40. Give me a red Gatorade. Give me a high seat for a punch.

[A]

Give me. It's not meth.

[B]

Just like I told Riley yesterday in my Tik Tok video, life might get pretty difficult sometimes, but at least we're not doing coke. And then five seconds later, Riley goes, you know what? I think I want to do it.

[A]

It's on my bucket list when I'm 80 years old, on my deathbed. What? Why not?

[B]

Hell, go for it.

[A]

Go out with a bang.

[B]

Yeah, go for it.

[A]

I mean, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm just trying to live.

[B]

I thought you.

[A]

Well, I don't know. I'm not El Chapo,

[B]

okay?

[A]

El Chapo's a drug lord.

[B]

Anyways, people have the choice to drink their alani, which is terrible for them, and I want my choice to have red dye 40.

[A]

Listen, you can talk about an alani all day. The lemon slush flavor Alani was formed and created in the garden of get set of me. In the Bible. It was in the Bible.

[B]

I just said, that'll make you horny, and you're talking about the Garden of Gethsemane.

[A]

I didn't hear you say horny. Riley, I'm trying to cure your thoughts over here. I didn't hear you say that you were horny. Drinking, eating a. I'm just saying the. The alarm slush alani was like, made in the Garden of Eden.

[B]

It was.

[A]

It's delicious.

[B]

I thought the Garden of Eden is where they send.

[A]

It is, I think then it wasn't made there.

[B]

Okay, it probably was actually because them explode your heart.

[A]

Shut the hell up.

[B]

Anyways, this morning Riley was like, I don't feel so good. I think I'm gonna have a panic attack or something. And his. He was like. Was your heart racing? He said, yeah. And I was like, well, you've got a damn Alani in your hand, you dumb hoe.

[A]

Some things are worth the rush. I know one thing. I did not sleep very good on this trip. And it's probably like we book an interior cabin, we decide not to get a balcony because it's so dark in our room. We sleep good. Okay? Riley didn't sleep good. Let me tell you why I didn't sleep good. It's because a bad needs a box fan. Okay? I do. And I ordered a fan from Amazon.

[B]

It was as big as a damn red solo cup.

[A]

And it had three settings. This was the first setting, the second setting, the third setting. Just enough to piss you off. Like, really it was the I.

[B]

And he kept it going. It was working.

[A]

I have farted harder than that damn fan. Okay?

[B]

It.

[A]

It's quite. I was quite miserable. It was. It's awful. It was awful.

[B]

There's also another reason we couldn't get a balcony.

[A]

What?

[B]

Well, because in 1998, Amy Bradley went missing on our boat. And I didn't know that she went missing until we booked this cruise about two days before.

[A]

I didn't tell him because if I'd have told him that Amy. It was the same boat that Amy Bradley was on, he wouldn't have went, well, Raleigh.

[B]

I didn't talk to any band members.

[A]

I didn't talk to any band members either. But we did make friends with some of the crew. They were really fun, really nice people. And we didn't go missing.

[B]

So Amy Bradley, I'm pretty sure was playing on my toes when I was

[A]

asleep, you know, maybe I wish she would have brought me a damn box fan. Amy Bradley, for those of you who don't know, she went missing back in, like, 1998. Day on Royal Caribbean's Rhapsody of the Seas. And it's still like a cold case, I'm pretty sure. And she. The last place she was seen was with a band member on, like, the Deck 10. Yeah, so. And there's a Netflix documentary on it. Yeah, well, we don't know that she's no longer. Hell, she'd be living her best life in Cozumel.

[B]

Well, I probably would bet against that

[A]

one, but I'm sure crazier shit's happened.

[B]

Well, I don't know. All I know is that. What'd you say earlier? We needed Teresa Caputo.

[A]

We did need Teresa Caputo on that boat. I. I mean, I think she could have talked to Amy. I love Teresa Caputo. Teresa Caputo. If you see this, please come on the podcast, because I really want you to look at me and say that I'm tasting. I'm tasting blood or something, and then tell me, like, that my dog misses me or something. I really need you to. I love that. Like, I got. I sit and watch it all day, and back where I'm from, back in the Bible Bell in Georgia, people talk about that being witchcraft.

[B]

It has to be.

[A]

Maybe it is. But I think it's cool. I'm not worshiping Theresa Caputo. I'm worshiping. I'm worshiping Jesus. Sorry I sounded like Mabel Simmons there. When you think about the goodness of Jesus and all that he has done for me, my soul cries out, hallelujah.

[B]

Thank God for saving me.

[A]

That's for Medea. And that's my favorite part of the whole movie. Anyways, I messed it up a little.

[B]

Yeah, you did.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[B]

We got to redo.

[A]

When I think about the goodness of Jesus and all that he has done for me, my soul cries out, hallelujah. Thank God for saving me.

[B]

It's my soul, not my heart.

[A]

Whatever. My soul is in the heart, and the heart is in soul.

[B]

Amen. Hallelujah.

[A]

Somebody that'll preach.

[B]

What's your favorite brand? Shorts. That's so off topic. Kind of, but I need to know.

[A]

Probably Lululemon, I guess, or aloe. But you know, I'm gonna be honest with you. Unpopular opinion incoming.

[B]

Don't say Walmart ain't got bad shorts, because that's not an unpopular opinion. That's a good opinion to have.

[A]

Costco and Sam's Club Clothing has me in a chokehold. Really? Yeah. That's where this come from.

[B]

I've never had anything.

[A]

Let me tell you something. People are saying, like, quarter zips are coming back into style. When the hell did a quarter zip ever go out of style? I've been looking like I'm selling insurance my whole life. I love a quarter zip. You can wear a quarter zip under a polo. You can wear it under a damn shirt from Palmetto Moon. Hell, you can wear a quarter zip over anything. Ask Landon. I've been rocking a quarter zip since I came out the vagina. The Womb, potato. Patata. Vagina, vagina. But I will say this.

[B]

Wait, watch. Let's bring a little bit of news to them for the week.

[A]

What?

[B]

Well, we went out of the country. Probably not the best time to get out of the country.

[A]

We got out of the country and on the way to the airport at 3 o' clock in the morning, there's a video of the President saying, we've bummed Iran. And I'm like, dude, hey.

[B]

But I had to give him props. He got rid of their Navy. No more battleships in the ocean. And so they could not reach us while we were in the middle of the Caribbean. Praise the Lord.

[A]

Yeah. And their leader, who's responsible for thousands of American casualties and who forces women to get married as children and cover their hair in public, is pushing up daisies or whatever grows in Iran pushing up tumbleweeds.

[B]

And that's all we're going to say.

[A]

And to the fallen service members of the US Military, our heart goes out to you guys. We love you guys. Thank you for your service. And it's always been on hell, I

[B]

guess, because not that we wanted the war, but we got it.

[A]

You mess with the US of A, and in the wise words of Toby James Keith, or whatever the hell his middle name is, we'll put a boot in your ass.

[B]

Okay, off that topic. Anyways, what are we talking about now?

[A]

I don't know. We had. And we've done so much stuff on this boat. Karaoke. Let's talk about karaoke. We already talked about that. No, we haven't. Last night of the cruise, we didn't go to karaoke. I know what you're talking. Landon. Don't want me to say it, but I'm going to because I'm. I'm a truth teller. We went to the last night of karaoke and it was the karaoke superstar. So it was everybody that's done karaoke on the boat was the best of everybody. And they were performing. I don't know who the hell picked the best, but I would like to pick the best next time. Because we had theater kid dropouts singing. What's that song?

[B]

Pocahontas.

[A]

Defying Gravity. Gravity from Wicked.

[B]

And they sounded like a dying damn ostrich.

[A]

I don't know what she sounded like, but I about tipped her. And the tip was to never sing again because she. My ears were bleeding. I hadn't drank all day, and I was poor Denise's glasses about crack. I was being abstinent from alcohol and I ordered a Tom Collins as soon as she finished.

[B]

Hey, I've never had a Tom Collins before, but Tom and Collins good.

[A]

Yeah, good man. Landon's drink of choice is a lemon drop martini. So anything lemon?

[B]

Yeah. And I didn't know Tom Collins was

[A]

like, it's just like a lemonade. Vodka. Vodka, lemonade.

[B]

Yeah, it was pretty good.

[A]

I will say this. The most sold spirit on the boat was Tito's vodka. And I think they went through like 500 bottles.

[B]

No, they went through more than that.

[A]

A lot in seven days.

[B]

All I know is I went through a lot of damn food.

[A]

They did. And I ate a lot of it.

[B]

But you only gained five pounds. And I think that's the note I did.

[A]

And I took an eye totally yesterday, and it's gone.

[B]

You took a what?

[A]

An ayatollah. That's Iran's supreme leader. Yeah, he's dead now, but we can finish what we were saying.

[B]

I don't have anything else on my list for the day.

[A]

You know, we really came unprepared. And it's because we're still on vacation, brain. I kind of want to go back. Oh. Yesterday, Landon and I were at the airport. We had met up with Denise and Valerie and we were shooting a. We literally sat outside in the smoking section because that's the only place we'd get fresh air. We sat out there and about 15 minutes before it was ready to board, we were like, okay, let's go ahead.

[B]

And 15 minutes before we were ready.

[A]

Before we were ready to board.

[B]

Next thing you know, we're on the way.

[A]

And they go, Riley Mitchell and Landon Mock, please proceed to the aircraft. Please proceed to gate 41 to board the plane. Everybody got on the boat before us.

[B]

The plane, not the boat.

[A]

We traveled every mane of transportation yesterday in the. In the English language.

[B]

We were on.

[A]

We were on a boat. We got in a boat in a car on the way to the airport. We took a plane to Nashville. We got in another car. The only damn thing I didn't do yesterday was get on a bicycle.

[B]

And you wasn't doing that anyways.

[A]

Only place you could ever got me on a bicycle is the pier in Costa Maya. Cuz it was 42 miles long. I'd have rode a damn unicycle if it meant I didn't have to walk. I'd have look like a damn circus clown. I was so tired of that. I. I'd. I skated on the concrete. I was sick of walking, sick of

[B]

it, sick of that shit.

[A]

It was awful.

[B]

This is Cousin Council. Why do you have Me doing this submission, it's dumb.

[A]

It ain't my fault someone lives a stupid life. This is severely up.

[B]

Okay, let the Cousin Council begin. Judge Mitchell, are you ready?

[A]

Oh, I know.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Well, I didn't know you were ready.

[B]

It's my eyes.

[A]

Anyways, welcome back to Cousin Council. I found these sunglasses in the studio, and I wish I'd have found them before I went on the cruise because I lost the damn things. So I'm wearing them to make up for lost time. Anyways, this is Cousin Council, where you send in your confessions, whatever hot takes bloodline [e-mail].

[B]

anyway, send it in. Let's go. When I was 12, my uncle, dad's brother.

[A]

Oh, thanks for the clarification.

[B]

Moved in with me and my family. Then one day, my parents randomly kicked him out. Turns out he was trying to convince my mom to leave my dad and be with him. Anyways, love y'. All. Sent from an iPhone.

[A]

Damn sister wives breaking the bro code. Literally, like, damn. I mean, blood is damn. Blood don't mean much.

[B]

That one threw me for a loop.

[A]

Okay, the mom was married to the husband and then the husband's brother.

[B]

This is like the husband's mom's brother.

[A]

Okay, my only advice to you is to take this to Jerry Springer, because I'm not. I'm Judge Mitchell. Jerry Springer died. Did he take it to Maury? And maybe to paternity court?

[B]

And Dutch, Judy retired, so you can't take it to her.

[A]

No, she didn't.

[B]

Oh, she didn't?

[A]

No. Hell no. My nana watches her every day now. She called Judy Justice. Oh, love that woman.

[B]

Anyways, on to the next. I guess you read these. I can't read and comprehend at the same time. Well, read it.

[A]

I don't think I can. Which one? Hell, there's the highlighted ones. Not once, but three times, maybe more. Me and my cousin have been mistaken as a couple. It freaks us out when it happens. I don't know how to make it known that we aren't going somewhere, that we're just cousins. Any advice that you have to help us? No, no. No advice. Because under every damn video that me and Landon post, it's the. The search is. Are Riley and Landon dating? We are cousins. And we are not kissing cousins. Okay?

[B]

We are not from Alabama. We are blood related. Our grandfathers, our brothers.

[A]

I can put. I can draw a family tree for you if you want to. It goes Granny Joel, Papa, Curly. And then they had six kids. They had just ton of kids. Nothing.

[B]

All of them Had a ton of kids, and we all live on the same damn compound like the Amish.

[A]

Any more questions? We're not dating.

[B]

Anyways. Do you remember my password? I know you know it. Don't act like you don't know it.

[A]

No, I literally don't.

[B]

You're lying. You're full of.

[A]

No, I literally don't know.

[B]

I know he knows it.

[A]

Unless it's the last thing that it was. Oh, yeah. I didn't. I swear to God I didn't know that. I knew that.

[B]

I know. I ain't stupid.

[A]

I swear to God I didn't know.

[B]

Don't swear to him when you're lying and going to hell.

[A]

I'm not. L. Landon, you change your password every

[B]

two weeks, and because of this exact

[A]

reason, been your password for years.

[B]

It used to be 3.14159.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pie.

[A]

What the hell?

[B]

Anyways, Damn, that got me.

[A]

I'm sweating.

[B]

Yeah, cuz you were lying. That's devil coming out of.

[A]

I did not know what it was. And I just remembered that's.

[B]

You didn't know what it was, but he sure the hell topped it in and it unlocked my phone.

[A]

One time, I found my brother was secretly texting my best friend and asking her to come over when I wasn't home so he could make her a juicy steak and then do things with her. And he was literally begging she said no. But he doesn't know that I know.

[B]

Read that again.

[A]

One time, I found out my brother was secretly texting my best friend and asking her to come over when I wasn't home so he could make her a, quote, juicy steak, and then her. And he was literally begging she said no. But he doesn't know that I know. What the hell? I mean, at least he was gonna make her dinner first, but damn. Like, my advice to y' all is to don't put everything on the damn Internet. Riley, do you have any advice? She said no, but he doesn't know that. Well, I'm glad she said no.

[B]

I can't help these people.

[A]

I think you should walk in there and be like, so you want to make my friend a juicy steak? And then do her. You dirty piece of.

[B]

You dirty bastard.

[A]

Go to Outback.

[B]

Golly. What is this show? These people are.

[A]

Every time we do these, like, I lose a little bit of brain cells to amaze me. Like, I. I'm gonna have to start filing you all my taxes because you're dependent on yourself.

[B]

That made no sense.

[A]

No, it didn't. The cut redo that what the was I even saying? Yeah, that's where I was going.

[B]

Yeah. God, ladies.

[A]

Yeah. God.

[B]

Lay these people. Every time we do this section, it makes me want to lose brain cells

[A]

every time we do this. Like, I literally need to claim you as independent on my taxes because y' all got to be dependent on somebody. And actually, it's not going to be me, because I can't deal with yalls asses.

[B]

But.

[A]

Okay. Thank you all for tuning in to this week's episode of Bloodline Banter, our cruise recap. And, I mean, I'm sure we're going another one soon.

[B]

Yep. Wherever you get your podcasts, follow us, listen, stream it, all that good stuff. Talk to you later. Bye.