Don't Trust The Ocean

Summary

Bloodline Banter | Episode: "Don't Trust The Ocean"

Podcast By: The Cast Collective
Date: March 26, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively and candid episode of Bloodline Banter, hosts Landon and Riley—joined at times by their friend Aaron (and briefly Toby)—dive into the hilariously mundane and often absurd realities of their Southern upbringings and everyday life. This episode tackles everything from the risks of online grocery shopping, fierce debates about proper Southern phrasing, their passionate aversion to the ocean, confessions about embarrassing childhood antics (including ill-fated pet burials), and an unfiltered segment of “Cousin Council,” where listeners’ wildest stories are dissected. The banter ranges from laugh-out-loud memories to tongue-in-cheek life advice and showcases the hosts’ unique chemistry, Southern wit, and love for poking fun at themselves and the world around them.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Grocery Shopping Woes and "The Walmart" Debate

[00:19 – 03:00]

• Instacart Frustrations: Riley shares distrust for online grocery shopping after receiving nearly expired chicken.
  • Quote: “Last time I instacarted chicken, it expired the day after I got it.” (00:49, A/Riley)
• Disdain for In-Person Shopping: Landon calls for using Instacart for everything, admitting he dislikes leaving the apartment.
• Southern Phrasing Debate:
  • The hosts passionately defend the “the” in front of store names (“the Walmart”, “the Wells Fargo”).
  • Quote: “There's nothing in this world better than the Walmart. …But I'm not bitching at the Walmart. I'm bitching at the people in the Walmart.” (01:43, B/Landon)
  • They joke that omitting “the” makes one sound “top 1% tax bracket … gonna have crumpets and tea.” (02:10, A/Riley)

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2. Dress Codes and Personal Style on the Podcast

[03:00 – 05:54]

• Riley lightly roasts Landon’s consistent choice of joggers over jeans, calling his outfit a mashup of three lifestyles.
  • Quote: “You’ve got on L.L. Bean like you’re gonna go hike the Grand Canyon. …Adidas joggers like you’re gonna play basketball. …New Balance like you’re going to the skate park.” (03:31, A/Riley)
• Landon stands by dressing for personal comfort, promising (or not) to wear jeans in a future episode—but joking about filming naked instead.
• Ongoing banter about how one should “dress for success” and when to “pop a collar.”

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3. "Things That Felt Fancy" & Growing Up Southern

[05:58 – 09:33]

• What was considered "fancy" as kids in North Georgia?
  • Sonic nugget ice and Welch’s sparkling grape juice top the list.
  • Quote: “If you have the good ice, you’re living lavish.” (06:16, A/Riley)
• Digression into hard/soft ice, iron deficiencies, mock accusations of hypochondria, and comedic tales of childhood injuries.
  • Riley shares instant karma: broke their leg while talking badly about Nana—right before a beach trip.
  • Quote: “As soon as I got off the phone… my ankle rolled, broke my (leg).” (09:19, A/Riley)
  • Laid up at the beach: “like a damn rotisserie chicken.”

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4. Absolute Loathing for the Ocean & "Monster Soup"

[09:44 – 15:12]

• Landon launches into a passionate anti-ocean rant:
  • Quote: “Anybody that gets into the monster soup is crazy. You will not catch me…” (10:01, B/Landon)
• Riotous Bahamas story: Riley was “waterboarded” by a wave, fell ill for three days.
  • Quote: “A wave that came straight out of damn Lilo and Stitch came… absolutely went up my nose, through my brain… Came out my mouth. I was sicker than hell for three days.” (10:28, A/Riley)
• General consensus: pools > ocean. Safer, less risk of “jellyfish and monster sharks.”
• Mockery of thrill-seekers like Titanic submersible visitors—“more money than sense.”
  • Quote: “If you’re stupid enough to go to the bottom of the ocean to find the damn Titanic when you could go to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee and walk in the perfectly good replica—you’re stupid, get imploded, I don’t know what to tell you.” (13:37, A/Riley)
• Jellyfish sting anecdotes—classic suggestion of peeing on the sting, but definite aversion to such scenarios.

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5. Derailed Spa Dreams & Personal Grooming

[15:13 – 17:19]

• Discussing fish pedicures—initial intrigue turns to disgust after Aaron’s account of bacteria transfer.
  • Quote: “The fish… have also eaten skin off other people’s feet. So like, you’re transferring bacteria.” (15:25, C/Aaron)
• Segment ends with tales about grandma’s pedicure mishaps and nail injuries—graphic photo exchange for comedic effect.

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6. Boats, Summer Traditions & Musical Tastes

[17:20 – 18:34]

• Anticipation for July 4th boat outings. Classic Southern summer nostalgia (“pontoon boat”, country music debates).
• Landon's musical preference is more Phantom of the Opera than Toby Keith.

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7. Southern Vernacular: Sprite/Sprot, Britches, Caramel

[19:06 – 22:47]

• Lively arguments about the correct pronunciation of:
  • “W” (double-you), “caramel” vs. “carmel,” “sprite” vs. “sprot,” and “pants” vs. “britches.”
• Generational divide highlighted by use of “britches.”
  • Quote: “If you say britches, you belong in Little House on the damn Prairie.” (21:48, A/Riley)

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8. Digital Habits: Screen Time and TikTok For You Pages

[22:48 – 28:28]

• Hosts swap phones to roast each other’s TikTok For You Pages.
  • Elderly people dancing and mukbangs feature prominently.
• Screen time confessions: Riley averages 11 hours a day, Landon 8.
  • Quote: “My weekly hour average is 11 hours and one minute a day.” (26:00, A/Riley)
  • Planned obsolescence conspiracy about Apple and battery life.
• Both admit their phone backgrounds are just photos of themselves, sparking Aaron's playful intervention.

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9. Kelly Clarkson Appreciation & Social Skills

[28:34 – 30:41]

• Kelly Clarkson praised: “She could sing the manual on how to put together a washer and dryer and I’d listen to it.” (28:44, A/Riley)
• American Idol as the only election “America ever got right.”
  • Quote: “Kelly Clarkson winning American Idol was the only election that Americans have ever gotten right.” (29:22, A/Riley)
• Suggest normalizing “booing” in awkward social situations to fill conversational gaps.
  • Quote: “Let’s just normalize going boo.” (29:41, B/Landon)
• Brief lesson in "people skills"—and how missing pre-K might affect them.

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10. Responding to Hate Comments

[31:20 – 32:04]

• Riley recounts receiving a hate comment from a grandma. Landon’s strategy: reply “womp womp.”
  • Quote: “If somebody comments hate, I reply back, womp womp.” (31:40, B/Landon)
• Riley chooses not to respond to trolls, calling them “not worth my time.”

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Cousin Council: Listener Confessions and Wild Advice

[32:05 – 38:52]

1. The Goldfish/Buried Pet Confession

[32:50 – 33:43]

• Listener admits to digging up and playing with their dead goldfish in a Barbie Dream House.
  • Hosts react with equal parts horror and laughter:
  • Quote: “If you have a dead goldfish, flush that down the toilet.” (34:13, B/Landon)

2. The Apartment Hamster Debacle

[34:13 – 35:06]

• Throwing a (possibly just hibernating) hamster into the woods from a balcony—hosts debate proper pet disposal and animal research responsibilities.

3. EMT Back Pain Call

[36:21 – 38:42]

• Listener describes an EMT call: patient’s roommate falls on him; banter on the difficulty of maintaining composure, professionalism, and the (lack of) suitability of the hosts for EMT work.
  • Quote: “If your back hurts bad enough to where you want to call the ambulance… get your ass up and walk to the stretcher.” (38:22, A/Riley)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On “monster soup” (the ocean):
  “Anybody that gets into the monster soup is crazy. You will not catch me…” (10:01, B/Landon)
• On beach mishaps:
  “A wave that came straight out of damn Lilo and Stitch… went up my nose, through my brain…” (10:28, A/Riley)
• On Titanic sub enthusiasts:
  “If you’re stupid enough to go to the bottom of the ocean… get imploded, I don’t know what to tell you.” (13:37, A/Riley)
• On hate comments:
  “If somebody comments hate, I reply back, womp womp.” (31:40, B/Landon)
• On Kelly Clarkson:
  “She could sing the manual on how to put together a washer and dryer and I’d listen to it.” (28:44, A/Riley)
• On awkward moments:
  “Let’s just normalize going boo.” (29:41, B/Landon)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Instacart Fiascos & “The Walmart” Discourse: 00:19 – 03:00
• Dress Codes & Banter: 03:00 – 05:54
• Growing Up Georgia: Fancy Things & Karma: 05:58 – 09:33
• Ocean Rants/Beach Mishaps: 09:44 – 15:12
• Pedicures, Grandma Stories: 15:13 – 17:19
• 4th of July / Boat Plans: 17:20 – 18:34
• Southern Dialect Battles: 19:06 – 22:47
• TikTok & Screen Time: 22:48 – 28:28
• Kelly Clarkson & Social Skills: 28:34 – 30:41
• Hate Comments: 31:20 – 32:04
• Cousin Council Submissions: 32:05 – 38:52

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Tone and Style

The episode is upbeat, unapologetically Southern, and conversational—full of playful jabs, personal stories, and irreverent humor. The hosts don’t shy from poking fun at themselves or their listeners, balancing genuine advice with comedic hyperbole.

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Summary

"Don't Trust The Ocean" is a delightful, rambling escape into Southern family dynamics, nostalgia, and chaos, seasoned with just the right amount of sass and sincerity. Whether they’re battling over joggers, explaining the dangers of deep-sea adventures, or dispensing advice on the fate of dearly departed goldfish, Landon and Riley’s banter is irresistibly relatable, and often laugh-out-loud funny. If you need a hit of Southern camaraderie, this episode delivers.

Transcript

[A]

Get away from me. I didn't hear nothing.

[B]

And you go there, you stupid.

[A]

I don't even love this, but I ain't eating no damn tuna fish.

[B]

Hello, everybody. Welcome to Bloodline Banter.

[A]

This is Landon and Riley.

[B]

And here we go.

[A]

What have you done this week?

[B]

I've done absolutely nothing this week. So it's been good. Wonderful. Has your week been good?

[A]

Yeah, I've done a couple things, but, like, I just had to clean and like, we had to go to the grocery store. Just a couple things around the apartment.

[B]

I don't think I'm gonna go to the grocery store anymore. I think I'm gonna instacart. I hate going to the grocery store here.

[A]

Yeah, but it's not the same because I don't trust a stranger to shop for my produce for me or my meat. Because last time I instacarted chicken, it expired the day after I got it.

[B]

Yeah, so you had to throw it away.

[A]

I just had to freeze it.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Which is kind of ghetto to me, but whatever. I had to freeze it and then like, it literally expired. I got it on like the 14th, it expired on the 15th. You'd think that common sense would tell us if we're shopping for other people's groceries and we're three pound bag of chicken breasts. You would maybe check, make sure it doesn't expire tomorrow. Because who makes 3 pounds of chicken in one day? But whatever. Unless you're like, meal prepping and being healthy.

[B]

Well, I just don't feel like getting out of my apartment ever to go to the grocery store. So I'm just gonna start instacarting everything

[A]

I did instacart for the first time yesterday.

[B]

Unless we're going to the Walmart for, like, something.

[A]

Yeah, I love Walmart. I love Walmart too. I love any.

[B]

There's nothing in this world better than the Walmart. And I know I say in my videos, like, let's go to my favorite place to the Walmart, but I'm not bitching at the Walmart. I'm bitching at the people in the Walmart.

[A]

Yeah, I do too.

[B]

So, like, also, do you say the Walmart?

[A]

Yeah, we've always said that. And everyone's like, oh, it cracks me

[B]

up how they say the Walmart. It's, you're gonna go to the Walmart.

[A]

I'm going to Walmart. Do you know how boring that sounds?

[B]

Like I raised up to the Walmart

[A]

to say good day, going to Walmart. That sounds like I'm saying I'm in like a. The top 1%, the tax bracket, and then I'm gonna have crumpets and damn tea for dinner. No, I'm going to the Walmart. It is the Walmart.

[B]

And the Target and the Whole Foods and the. Wherever you're going.

[A]

Yeah, that's like basic English. I thought.

[B]

I thought it was too, but I'm

[A]

going down to the bank. I'm not. I'm not gonna say I'm going to Wells Fargo. I'm gonna say I'm going to the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo?

[B]

Yeah. I gotta go to the Wells Fargo.

[A]

The Wells Fargo. I always go to that way. You know where I'm going.

[B]

Yeah, I don't.

[A]

If I said I'm going to Wells Fargo, I could go to any Wells Fargo. No, I'm going to the Wells Fargo beside where we live.

[C]

Do.

[A]

Does that make sense?

[B]

Like.

[A]

Or the Walmart or the. Whatever.

[B]

It's the. In front.

[A]

Yeah, always. Okay.

[B]

Anyways, I digress.

[A]

When are you going to, like, start wearing dress up pants? Like.

[B]

Oh, you don't think these are dressy?

[A]

I don't know. Every time. Every night before we. Every single time before we film's like,

[B]

what are you going to wear? You need to wear some jeans. Landon.

[A]

I believe you wear jeans.

[B]

Jeans, jeans, jeans.

[A]

I believe that you dress for success.

[B]

This is success to me. This screams success. A pair of jogging britches. L.L. bean, New Balance.

[A]

You're in three different tax brackets. You say that every time, but I'm so serious. You've got on L.L. bean like you're gonna go hike the Grand Canyon. You've got on Adidas joggers like you're gonna go play some basketball. And you have on New Balance like you're gonna go to the damn skate park.

[B]

That's not tax brackets.

[A]

That's socio. Economic status, lifestyle, whatever.

[B]

This outfit looks good.

[A]

I didn't. I don't think it looks bad.

[B]

So why are you bitching about it?

[A]

I'm not bitching because I'm not wearing jeans. I feel like it's kind of weird to look at me whenever the camera's pointed on me and then I'm wearing this and then look at you.

[B]

That's your own damn fault.

[C]

Riley heard from Al Roker this morning that there's going to be a flood.

[A]

Okay, Aaron, you can kiss my ass. It's kind of okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Excuse me.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[B]

Riley, you are preparing for a flood.

[A]

You can kiss my ass now. I'm sagging, so you can pick your poison. Am I still in frame.

[B]

Pull it.

[C]

Pull the mic a little bit more close to you, and then tilt it down a little bit.

[B]

You know what that is from. Trisha Paytas when she was looking at her chicken tenders in the to go box.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Oh, this will go viral. Oh, okay. Okay, anyways. Cut the camera.

[A]

Okay, anyways.

[B]

Making fun of my sweatpants.

[A]

I just. I don't know.

[B]

I think we. You should just dress. I believe you should dress. How? What? Makes you feel good.

[A]

I do, too, but.

[B]

And this podcast is our job, and we're.

[A]

It is our job, and we should dress up in the workplace. You don't.

[B]

But we're, like, entertaining, and you should dress how you feel.

[A]

Tuxedos. But, like, sometimes, every once in a while, I don't think. Don't get me wrong, I just wore joggers in another episode, but I've worn joggers every episode. I think, what's wrong with giving it a little bit of spice and maybe popping a collar?

[B]

I'll wear jeans next episode just because you. No, I won't, actually. I'll wake up and I'll decide what the hell I'm wearing that morning. If it's jeans, it's jeans. If it's sweatpants, it's sweatpants. If it's shorts, it's shorts. And I might even do an episode you would have subscribed to separately Naked.

[A]

I'm. I will not be a part of that episode. But Landon can do one.

[C]

What things growing up in North Georgia did y' all think were fancy? And then you figured out later that they were not

[B]

that we thought were fancy, but are not fancy. Really? Yeah.

[C]

Well, like, we all ever, like, oh, we got Welch's, like, sparkling grape juice.

[A]

Sonic Ice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Actually, growing up, I always thought that, like, if Sonic Ice was, like, a delicacy, and it is. It was Sonic Ice Maker. Like that. The Nugget Ice Maker. I'm like, I'm living lavish. Like, no. When you have any time I want.

[B]

You didn't go to Sonic, but you somehow had Sonic.

[A]

Everyone knows. Whenever everyone knows that you're the. If you have the good eyes.

[B]

The good eyes. That's what we call it. The good eyes. Yeah.

[A]

But, you know, I like any kind of asset is not very hard, and it's just, like, it's very easy to eat.

[B]

I kind of like hard ass.

[A]

I think I have an iron deficiency

[B]

because Here we go. Hypochondriac.

[A]

I really have, like, I. I really like. What makes you think, well, I eat it.

[B]

I always maybe it's just because it's.

[A]

Are you going to let me speak? No, because you're. I mean, ask me a question.

[B]

Let me answer it next time, you know, Riley's going to have a headache and.

[A]

Thank you. Landon thought he had hydrocephalus for the longest time because he fell off the bleachers and hit his head. Used to think you had, Riley.

[B]

I fell from 20 foot high.

[A]

I did. And you think all the same.

[B]

20.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All gyms, all gymnasiums, like in high schools are pretty standard, right? Like, you know when the bleachers are put out, but then they're put in. Like when you roll the bleachers in. When you roll the bleachers in. However high the bleacher are, the bleachers are when they're rolling in.

[A]

Did you even do that?

[B]

Cuz I was being dumber than hell and I didn't have any adult supervision and my parents were busy and I decided that I was going to parkour through the damn gym and I was running across the top when they were pushed in and I fell off on my back and about killed myself.

[A]

Well, Landon had himself conf.

[B]

And I gu. Stood up and my mom was like, shouldn't have been done. And I was like, oh, okay. But I was fine. I mean, I'm fine.

[A]

That's one thing about growing up in the South.

[B]

That is one thing.

[A]

Your parents, like, if you do something dumb, that's just tough titty.

[B]

Like, yeah, like if I fell off like a. It was probably 15 or 20 foot high. For real. I landed straight on my back and I jumped up and I jumped up and that was enough for my mom to say, nope, we're not taking him to get checked.

[A]

There's been so many times in my life where I've done something dumb and like, I've actually gotten hurt from it. And my parents, they checked on me. They were just like, riley, I just told you not to do that. Like, you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. Like. And honestly, they were also right for that.

[B]

Like, yeah, they were. And we were. We turned out fine.

[A]

I. One time I broke.

[B]

Well, we didn't turn out fine, but

[A]

like, you know, I was on the phone with.

[B]

We didn't die. We're not dead yet. Go ahead, call on me, Riley.

[A]

Okay, thank you.

[B]

But you know what? I don't know what we're talking about.

[A]

One time I was on the phone with my grandma. Isaac. No, I'm sorry. One time I was on the phone with. You know what the hell you're talking Are you gonna let me talk?

[C]

Holy land.

[A]

One time I was on the phone with you. I was talking about my nana. Like she made me mad or something. I was talking about my Nana and I had walked down into the backyard. As soon as I hung up the phone with you talking about my nana, I stepped on a rock and broke my leg.

[B]

Karma. Instant. That's what you call instant karma.

[A]

As soon as I got off the phone, I took a step, my ankle rolled, broke my.

[B]

Well, what did she do to you that. You must have said something. Really.

[A]

I don't even remember. But I. I did probably say something really mean. And I sure did break my leg. And it was the day before I left to go to the beach.

[B]

Oh, it was.

[A]

Talk about insufferable. At the beach. Not being. I just laid up there like a damn rotisserie chicken on the beach. Just rotating every 15 minutes cuz I couldn't get in the water.

[B]

I have to sit up straight for what I'm about to say. I hate the beach. I hate the ocean. I hate the sand. I hate everything.

[A]

I don't hate the beach.

[B]

No, let me finish. No, no, no, no. I to let you talk.

[A]

Cuz he not let me talk for 30 damn minutes.

[B]

This is important.

[A]

Got it?

[B]

Anybody that gets into the monster soup is crazy. You will not catch.

[A]

Should I remember everybody the time that I got waterboarded in the Bahamas because you wanted to get in the ocean. So learned my lesson and I've never. We were on a cruise and we were at Atlantis in the Bahamas and we were out on the beach.

[B]

By the way, beautiful resort.

[A]

Love it. We were at the beach and landing. I'm sitting up there chilling. I'm laid out like a damn fat Twinkie on the beach. Just rotating and. And getting good and golden brown. And Landon comes over and he's like, Riley, let's get in the ocean. Look at the waves. Let's get in the ocean. This is the Atlantic. So I get an Ocean, go about 15 foot out a wave that came straight out of damn Lilo and Stitch came just barreling down the hatchet. Okay. I mean trucking for my ass. Absolutely. Went up my nose, through my brain. Pretty sure went through my frontal cortex back down all the way down to my toes. Came out my mouth. I was sicker than hell for three days.

[B]

Wonder why? Because you got.

[A]

Probably because I got fish bits down the damn medulla. And I sick for three days. The last three days of our damn cruise was insane. Had the damn seafood sea flu. I was sick my My nose is raw. My, the back of my throat was raw. It was like the, the, the, the salt water just cleansed me in hell. I spent the last three.

[B]

Anyways, moral of my story is bad. I hate the ocean. I hate the beach. Like, I'll go, I'll go to the beach for like vacation, but I like, I'm not leaving the, I'm not leaving the condo.

[A]

I love the beach.

[B]

I like the view, but I love the pool.

[A]

There's a difference between loving and love. And I love the pole. I like the beach. I love the pool.

[B]

You can't get stung by a damn jellyfish.

[A]

If you go to a good enough resort, they have a restaurant and a bar by the pool. I can literally eat chicken tenders and fries and sip on a drink and not have to worry about getting waterboarded by, by King.

[B]

This is my thing. There are creatures in the ocean that could eat me a lot. They could eat my house. We don't even know what's down there.

[A]

That is kind of.

[B]

I mean, the damn megalogadona shark is 1000% down there and alive and well, and I'm not getting in the ocean. Well, the last people that tried megalogadona

[A]

shark, the last people that tried to sell, seek it crushed up like a Coke can in the Titanic. And you remember that Titanic that went down and looked for people and it died. Oh, it was untraceable. Hell, they decided, they went down, they decided one day to look for the Titanic, get in a damn. That's what you call can and go down the bottom of the ocean. And they, that's what you call rich

[B]

people having too much that you have

[A]

more sense than you have money.

[B]

You got, you got.

[A]

If you ever have so much money that you don't have any more common sense, just send a little money to me. It'll be okay. I'll take real more money.

[B]

You've got more money than you've got

[A]

since I just said that.

[B]

Okay, but I, I thought you messed it up. No, you've got more money than you got since. That's what happened to those people that went down. They were billionaires. They didn't have anything else to do with their life. And so they got in a Coke can, they went down in the bottom of the ocean trying to find the Titanic and they imploded.

[A]

And you know what? God forgive me for what I'm about to say.

[B]

God.

[A]

But if you're stupid enough to go to the bottom of the ocean to find the damn Titanic when you could Go to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee and walk in the perfectly good replica. You're stupid. Get imploded. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, you could go to Pigeon Forge right before you get into the heart of Pigeon Forge at the Severeville exit. Go into the Pigeon for into the Titanic museum and it's just like the same as you did.

[B]

Pull your microphone a little closer, go

[A]

into the real thing.

[B]

That was good.

[A]

Is that not true?

[B]

It is true. Hell, anyway,

[A]

I would rather. I've been going to the Titanic since I was.

[B]

I would rather in my hands and play patty cake than to get stung by a jellyfish.

[A]

My dad got stung by jellyfish one time with my Uncle Lloyd. They were riding down when dad was.

[B]

And it was miserable.

[A]

He got stung by a jellyfish and

[B]

did he pee on it?

[A]

They had to pee on him to. To like.

[B]

They peed on him?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, no. He peed on himself in the ocean. It stops the sting.

[B]

Yeah, but it.

[A]

It's supposed to stop the sting. I don't know if it. Actually, I'm not.

[B]

That's why I don't get in the ocean, because I'm not getting stung by no damn jellyfish. I'm not getting. I remember going to the beach for the first time in like 2012, I think 2013. I don't know how old I was then, but I don't have time to do that math. And I got in the water and I could feel the little minnows or whatever they're called swimming around my legs. And it was just so unsettling.

[A]

Do you know what I would do want to do? I want to go somewhere, like on a cruise ship or like some, like, spa place where the fish eat the dead skin off your feet. Oh, I want to do that. That would be kind of fun. Oh, they would go ham on my feet. I need a pedicure.

[C]

I did it one time because I lost a bet.

[A]

Really? Was it nice?

[B]

Was it. Did it tickle?

[C]

So disgusting.

[B]

It was disturbing. I mean, you have to think, too. The fish that are in there eating the skin off your feet have also eaten skin off other people's feet. So, like, you're transferring bacteria. I don't.

[C]

It's absolutely vile. I don't recommend it.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Never mind. I don't want to have my feet tickled by fish. I thought it may have been luxury, but maybe you just need to let

[B]

them get the cheese grater out at the nail salon.

[A]

And let me tell you something for you. I have never been past a pedicure I've never been past pedicure. Don't.

[B]

I love a pedicure. I need one right now.

[A]

I take my grandma to get one every two weeks. My grandma literally sent me a picture of her broken fingernail, like blood and all, and she said, I don't want to see it. We need to go get a pedicure this morning.

[B]

When was that, Betty?

[A]

You can spare me Christmas Eve. And y' all went, no, we didn't. Oh, you want to see the picture?

[B]

No, no, that's the.

[A]

Oh. Oh. She sent me that with no context.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

How do you think I felt waking up on Christmas?

[B]

Stuck her finger in a damn cheese grater. Yeah, a blender. It looks like she stuck her fingernail in a ninja blender.

[A]

I called her that night. I. I was looking through my text, see if I texted her, and I called her that night, and I was like, what did you do? She was crying.

[B]

She said, I broke my nail. She done more than broke her nail.

[A]

Stuck her nail in the washing machine. You looked bad. It was tough.

[B]

What did she do? She just broke.

[A]

I don't know what she did. I don't know what she did after that. Why are your shoes off? Well, do you even remember kicking them off? Yeah, I didn't even see you do that.

[B]

I was comfortable. I didn't want to put them in the seat because.

[A]

Well, hell, you're just kicked up like your damn. It's Labor Day weekend.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

On the damn pontoon boat.

[B]

New Year's is over. Give me a damn hot dog and put me on a boat for the 4th of July. I'm ready for.

[A]

I am so ready for the Fourth of July. There's nothing like riding on a boat, listening to country music.

[B]

No, no, I don't like music, but

[A]

Landon's absolutely the most vanilla person.

[B]

I mean, put on Toby Keith. I guess if it was up to

[A]

Landon, he would play Phantom of the damn Opera on the pontoon boat going through the damn lake. Was on a.

[B]

On a lake. Was on.

[A]

On a lake.

[B]

That's a nasty one.

[A]

Whatever.

[B]

Hell, anyways. But I'm excited for the 4th of July.

[A]

I am, too.

[B]

I can't. You know anybody with a boat, Aaron? Yeah, you do. I'm you. Come party with us on the 4th of July.

[C]

Well, it sounds like you need to party with me, because you're the one asking me if I know someone with a boat.

[A]

Well, I have a boat.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

That's what I'm asking. Yeah, but we'd have to travel to North Carolina to get that boat.

[B]

This in Georgia.

[C]

You can go get it and bring it here. No, you're gonna come to Georgia.

[B]

You're gonna come back to Georgia.

[C]

That's fine. It says the lake down here.

[B]

Nasty Cast Collective takes on like Shatuk. Like Shatook.

[C]

Toby, will you go? Yeah, okay.

[B]

Toby's going.

[A]

Brand trip.

[B]

Okay, deal.

[A]

So anyway, more of the story of our whole relationship there for you. And Landon will conduct your business. Would that. Would you say that's valid, Aaron?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

[B]

You'll be there for somebody and I'll answer the phone.

[C]

He'll be there.

[A]

I'll be there for you.

[B]

Yeah. You'll be like a therapist.

[A]

I will Will. I'll be a friend to you. But Landon will handle your scandals in your business.

[B]

Okay. Well, I'm more concerned about how you say W. How I say, a thousand times, you say W. W. Yeah. Oh.

[A]

Or wx, Y and Z. See, I say W. I say W when it comes to W, X, Y and Z. But if I'm talking about, like, caramel

[B]

or caramel,

[A]

okay, it's a caramel apple. But it's caramel. Any other time, like, if I'm saying I want a caramel apple, I say I want a caramel apple.

[B]

I think it's just caramel all the way.

[A]

Caramel apple. That's caramel. Fl In Bridgerton. A caramel frame. Caramel apple. No, it's. I need a caramel apple. Caramel. Caramel.

[B]

Oh, no. If you say caramel, I don't know who says jail.

[A]

Immediate caramel. I've heard worse. Honestly.

[B]

Caramel.

[A]

If you say, you say W. If

[B]

you say W. Caramel, caramel, jail.

[A]

Immediately you say W. W isn't even W. X, Y. Spell the word W. If W was. It was a word, how would you W. How would you spell it? W, D, O, U, B, L. I don't know.

[B]

We're not spelling a letter.

[A]

No, but, hell, W. Spelling a letter.

[B]

Letters can't be spelled because there's just a letter.

[A]

They should be spelled, like spelled A.

[B]

Is it a word?

[A]

But B would be spelled B. E, E, C would be spelled C. E, E, D. Would speed be spelled D?

[C]

E?

[B]

E?

[A]

F would be spelled E. F, E would be spelled E. Have you thought

[C]

about this a lot?

[A]

Yeah, actually, I have.

[B]

Before you had to have been intoxicated.

[A]

No, I'm definitely on the spectrum.

[B]

110 with you.

[A]

I don't know what she took, but I'm on it.

[B]

I've been on the tylenol PM or am? Are you on the spectrum in the morning?

[A]

Honestly, any time that I sit and think too long.

[B]

Okay. Anyways, oil or. Oil.

[A]

Oh, if you say I'm going to my oil changed. I think your Sprite or spray? Sprite.

[B]

Sprot.

[A]

Sprot.

[B]

Sprot.

[A]

Yes, Sprot. I had a friend that used to say sprite.

[B]

Aaron, how do you say sprot?

[C]

Sprite.

[B]

Oh, she says it wrong.

[C]

I'm from Memphis. It's not that Southern. Plus, I don't really have an accent.

[B]

No, you don't. You have, like, an accent that doesn't have an accent, if that makes any sense at all.

[C]

Like, if you're from, like, Minneapolis, you would think I had one, but y' all would never think I had one.

[A]

Sprite.

[B]

I mean, if you say sprite with

[A]

a capital I, I kind of.

[C]

I know you're crazy.

[B]

So you're sprout, sprout, sprout, sprout, sprout.

[A]

It's just kind of like you take the eye and add a couple syllables.

[B]

You say pants or britches.

[A]

Landon, if you say britches, you belong in the Little House on the damn Prairie. Who says britches? I'm gonna put it on.

[B]

I think britches or pants are one of those things that.

[A]

No, pants is pants.

[B]

Like, I've got my britches on.

[A]

I either say pants or I say joggers.

[B]

Like, if I tell you to pull up your britches, I'm not going to tell you to pull up your pants. I'm gonna say, pull up your britches. But if I'm saying, like, Riley's wearing pants, he's wearing. You know what I'm saying? Kind of like your care of male and apple and a damn.

[A]

Yeah, I think that puts you back in the 1700s, before women could vote and stuff.

[B]

What?

[A]

I don't know. That just takes me back a couple centuries. British, put on your britches. We're going to fight the British. That's how I think of that.

[B]

You're stupid.

[A]

Britches is like, something that would come out of, like, the 1920s. Britches, put on your britches. I've heard that back at home, but I've not heard it in the everyday world.

[B]

My nanny says britches.

[A]

She's 80.

[B]

Well, damn.

[A]

I mean, I'm just saying that's their generation.

[C]

Stop talking about pants.

[B]

What is on your for you page right now?

[C]

Switch phones and look at each other's for you page so you don't lie.

[A]

Oh, here.

[B]

We can't do that.

[A]

Yeah, we can.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I don't know what's on there.

[B]

I've got my for you page. Brick by brick.

[A]

I don't know what is popping up. Switch, phone switch. Give me your phone. Okay, so we're. We're trying to figure out what is in on each other's for you page. And right now I'm looking at Landon for you, Paige. It is an elderly senior citizen lip syncing and dancing, but lip sync into

[B]

like a rap song. That's what's Funny is an 80 year old.

[A]

We can't play that. That's dirty.

[B]

No, I don't matter when it's time for sleep, but I need to know how big an acre is.

[A]

That's me. Pretzel.

[B]

What you're watching.

[A]

I lay in bed and think about the weirdest things. Now it's somebody dance.

[B]

This is somebody mukbanging a Dave's hot chicken Reaper level.

[A]

Here's Courtney Cook. I love her. I've watched her for so long and she makes some kind of stuff that actually would be discussed rally. Yours is nothing but ads and tick tock shop. Yep, you're right.

[B]

Well, what the hell? Your for you page is boring. If I had to look at this for you page, I would. I would

[C]

describe it because we like.

[B]

No, there's not even describing in your

[A]

for you page of someone eating a Taki and a Krispy Kreme donut together. That is vile.

[C]

Maybe I should switch back.

[B]

Yeah, this is was a good thought.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

I don't like this. I wish I could get a free KitchenAid. Well, why are you watching people trying to get a free KitchenAid?

[A]

Why are you watching this?

[B]

Those people are funny. Okay, here. Your phone's also on 14. Can we talk about that? It's not even 1:20pm well, it is 1:20pm and your phone's on 14.

[A]

I woke up at 7:00 clock in the morning and chose health and wellness.

[B]

What did you do? Stay on your phone the whole damn time?

[A]

What do you have to do in your life that doesn't consist of technology? Maybe I'm just missing out five. Maybe I'm just missing out on the world. But you are. I literally all day, every day. My. I literally all day, every day. My screen time is so runchy. Like I. I stay on my phone so much, it's actually embarrassing. Exactly.

[B]

I mean, you charged 100% last night.

[A]

What is my screen time? Oh, God. I don't think I want you to know.

[B]

So it's like 17 hours.

[A]

We're already here. And my My resolution was to stay off my phone so much. My weekly average. What is yours? Go tell me yours first.

[B]

Riley. Mine's not bad. My weekly average is maybe. I don't even know where to look.

[A]

My weekly hour average is 11 hours and one minute a day.

[B]

Whoa, that's a lot.

[A]

I'm trying to find mine for the week. My social is 28 hours and 48 minutes. I spent eight hours on average last week on Tick Tock a day.

[B]

My weekly average is maybe not a day. What is yours?

[A]

11 hours and one minute.

[B]

Mine's only eight hours, which is a lot.

[A]

What about for the day? Oh, my weekly average go today and then go to yesterday.

[B]

Today's only four hours.

[A]

Mine's four hours today already.

[B]

Huh?

[C]

Mine's like four and a half hour average.

[B]

What is yours today?

[C]

See what dries mine up is when I'm on the phone all day though.

[A]

What is my screen time today? 2 hours and 27 minutes.

[B]

So how is your phone on 14?

[A]

I don't know it.

[B]

My.

[A]

My phone battery sucks. You want to tell you why? Because in September Apple released a new phone and now my phone battery has went to complete. Complete and utter.

[B]

You think they have a button?

[A]

I just got my phone and then after they released the new iPhone, my phone battery went to absolute. And so now your phone just in

[B]

general goes to absolute whenever they release a new one.

[A]

Yeah, cuz they want you to buy. Buy the new one.

[B]

You think they have a button that is mashing all everybody else's.

[A]

It's like. It's like August 31st if there's even 31 days in August. They press a button and like deactivate everything because they want you to buy a new one.

[B]

Well, they've got me winning. They're winning right now because I'm about to go buy a new phone. My phone's ass.

[A]

Mine too.

[B]

It sucks. Terrible.

[A]

Mine. Absolutely.

[B]

Watch your screensaver.

[A]

A picture of myself it is. What's yours?

[B]

A picture of myself.

[A]

Is this self conceited?

[C]

Seriously guys?

[B]

What? No.

[C]

Both your phone backgrounds are pictures of yourself.

[B]

My home screen and my lock screen is. Are you lying?

[C]

Let's put a picture of like you with a person that you care about or like a dog or something.

[A]

Or like a. I worry about this person right here. Me.

[C]

It is called planned obsolescence. That's like the idea of hitting the button.

[A]

Apple uses planned obsolescence every year in September to. On all of our phones. So we have to go buy new ones because I'm telling you right now, My phone battery will go from 100 max capacity to 90.

[B]

Can we go back and talk about what's been on my for you page?

[A]

What?

[B]

Kelly Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson could sing the ingredients to a bunt cake.

[A]

No.

[B]

And it would sound good.

[A]

She could sing the manual on how to put together a washer and dryer. And I'd listen to it and I'd need an hour to process it after that. If she. If I ever release music and she sang my song, I think I would just have to lay down and die.

[B]

You would because she's going to sing it better than you and you're gonna

[A]

have to retire that song for the past. Do you remember the other day whenever we were both watching Kelly Clarkson covers and we both seen each other the videos and then we called each other to tell each other about the video that we've seen each other. We were both watching Kelly Clarkson. That's.

[B]

I don't understand America.

[A]

I don't understand.

[B]

She was.

[A]

You know, she was the first American idol. That's the only election that America has

[B]

ever gotten ever gotten right. Making yes.

[A]

Kelly Clarkson winning American idol was the only election that American. That Americans have ever gotten right ever, ever, ever, ever. That's the last time I trusted our democracy less.

[B]

Normalize booing people in the middle of conversations if we don't like what they're saying.

[A]

You would boo me every time I open my damn mouth and I would.

[B]

That's why I said that.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

Like, if you're in the middle of a conversation with somebody and they don't and you don't like what they're saying, let's just normalize going boo.

[A]

Honestly, anything. Anything that would fill the space would be better than nothing. Because I hate awkward silence. Don't look at me. And just like, what are we gonna talk about next? Like, if you can't roll off the tongue with perfect dialogue, go back. We learn people skills in the pre K. And if you didn't go to the pre K, that's probably why you're. Because there's a lot of people nowadays that didn't go to pre K. Is that like a normal thing?

[B]

I went to pre K. I went

[A]

to pre k too.

[B]

Did you?

[A]

I used to cry and hide under the desk until the teacher.

[B]

I went to pre K. You went

[A]

to pre K. There are so many people who didn't get pre K. Those are smart people. They're always the ones that are smart with no common sense because they don't have any people skills because they didn't learn to interact with people till they were damn five.

[B]

I don't know. All I know is that if you are in the middle of a conversation with me and I don't like what you're saying, from here on out, I'm gonna go boo

[A]

you. Boo me. And I'm gonna cuss you out.

[B]

I'm booing you. I can't wait to do it.

[C]

Oh, I blink and hope people disappear. I'll just shut my eyes if I want someone to go away.

[A]

And then I'll be like, Sometimes I just close my eyes and think to myself, three seconds. I'm gonna count down from three, and they're gonna be. They're not gonna be standing there anymore. Yeah, it never works. Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to get on the phone with Jesus about that. Like, after the three seconds, you had

[B]

to get up on the phone with Jesus about a lot of things, but

[A]

so am I. Yeah. So go ahead and throw some shade.

[B]

I didn't. Me too.

[A]

Okay, you're dumb. I've been called much worse than. Hey, I also by you. I've been called worse than them by you. So you call me dumb? Doesn't affect me.

[B]

You know what else I love?

[A]

What?

[B]

To reply to a hate comment with womp. Womp. You said it earlier.

[A]

Speaking of hate comment, I got a hate comment from some old granny and she literally commented from her.

[B]

You already said that in the last episode. You're that disturbed about it?

[A]

Yes. Why are you. That's your business page.

[B]

Why are you on somebody make a damn if somebody. If somebody comment hate comments on me, I'm. I reply back, wamp. Wamp. That's it.

[A]

I usually just don't reply back at all because they're not worth my time and effort of my life.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I just don't care about it.

[B]

Okay, well, this is Cousin Council. Why do you have me doing this submission? It's dumb.

[A]

It ain't my fault someone lives a stupid life. This is severely up.

[B]

Okay, let the Cousin Council begin. Welcome back to Cousin Council. I'm taking the sunglasses this week.

[A]

We're just leaving them here?

[B]

Disgustingly.

[A]

They're dirty.

[B]

Dirty?

[A]

They've been in the bottom of a damn wicker basket for two weeks.

[B]

I can't even see.

[A]

Anyways, this is Cousin Council where you send in your hot takes, confession stories and we give you our advice.

[B]

Did you dip them in bacon grease?

[A]

I don't know. Put them on or shut up. Send your submissions to Bloodline [e-mail] and let's get on with it.

[B]

Well, you've got the phone.

[A]

Okay. This is gonna be a wonderful week. Okay. When I was seven years old, I dug up my dead goldfish from my backyard just a few days after he was buried. I kept him in my room for weeks to play with me in my Barbie Dream House. He rode in my Barbie car. He slept in my Barbie bed. He really did live his best life, even though he was dead. I hid him in a box in my room with my mom and no one ever knew.

[B]

We short.

[A]

We moved shortly after, and I lost him 13 years later. I don't know what happened to my dead goldfish or where he ended up. I just said, whoever opened that box got an unexpected surprise.

[B]

That's called sushi. Jumping around dead sushi. I don't even know what the hell I'm trying to say. That's weird. Why didn't you flush your dead fish down the toilet? Who buries their dead fish in the damn back?

[A]

Listen, I'm not having a ceremony for my submission, Michaela. I'm not burying.

[B]

You might need to go to a mental institution.

[A]

I'm not burying a goldfish. Listen, the toilet serves multiple purposes, and one of them serves as a gold place. Yes, I'm flushing that.

[B]

That's weird. That's.

[A]

That. Yeah, that's messed up. That's somebody that's played with it in the Barbie Dream House. Where are you Sisters with Jeffrey Dmer?

[B]

That's somebody that is going to grow up one day and have a documentary about them.

[A]

Yeah, you're gonna end up in a Chris Hansen documentary.

[B]

That's weird as hell.

[A]

My only advice.

[B]

I'm adjourning this case and saying if you have a dead goldfish, flush that down the toilet.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. The next one is the same. Like, the same font. I lived in an apartment, and I had a hamster. When my hamster died, I didn't have the heart to just throw it in the dumpster. I went anywhere to bury it. Being in my apartment. I threw it off the woods in my balcony. I later learned that hamsters can hibernate. So was he actually dead or was he hibernating? I don't know, but I often think about it, and I wonder if I allowed the food chain to flow in the woods behind my apartment. Am I an awful person? Well, perhaps before you get a damn hamster, you should Google if they hibernate or not. And if your hamster just lays there for a couple hours, the might be resting. And now he may be in the stomach of a coyote or a damn eagle.

[B]

I would do some like that.

[A]

Some people don't need pets. Y'. All. Y' all just don't like you.

[B]

Well, it's just a damn. What it say? What kind of rabbit? What kind of thing?

[A]

A hamster.

[B]

A hamster.

[A]

Okay, if you have a rat as a pet. I'm sorry. You're weird. Okay, there are some people who have rats.

[B]

If you have any kind of pet that's not a dog or cat, not even like either of them. You're weird. In my humble opinion, I can't do it. But anyways, we need to adjourn that case. What are we saying?

[A]

I mean, I guess if you have a pet, do a little bit better. Like, of course, do some better research before you buy an animal.

[B]

No, that's too simple. No, but it's not dead. Before you throw it off the damn balcony into the woods.

[A]

But did he not wake up and you picked him up? And maybe.

[B]

Why are we throwing our dead hamster into the balcony of the woods? Could we not give it a proper burial?

[A]

And this. It doesn't mean. Hey. This doesn't mean to flush the hamster down the toilet, because it'd clog it.

[B]

Yes, that's a good weenie.

[A]

Stewart is the only exception. Landon. Not even like my dog.

[B]

Take a nap. Take a nap, damn it. Yes. Let me move my glasses. Get your ass back up here like a baby.

[A]

He does have a heart. He does have a heart.

[B]

Okay, what's the next one?

[A]

This one's interesting.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Hello. First things first, I just want to say I absolutely love you, too. Well, we love you, too. So, I'm an emt, and we went out on a call with an individual who was experiencing back pain. Once we walked into the house, we assessed the patient and deemed that the first need was to be moved onto our stretcher. However, he was unable to walk, so the only way we could get him out of the bed was to. Our stretcher was to put him on a sheet and carry him. Oh. Oh. Our first responder asked his roommate to help us, and we were carrying him out of the room. His roommate tripped and fell on top of him, and all you hear is a muffled, damn, you need to lose some weight. I'm trying so hard not to drop him, but could not stop laughing because the guy was being such a dick from the beginning. My partner and I just kind of exchanged looks, and I just could not bring myself to stop laughing. He's completely fine by the Way. I could never be an emt. Not just because I don't like gory stuff, but because if I rolled up, somebody just so happened to have, like, fallen on something and got it shoved up their ass, I'd be like, no, you didn't. You're a.

[B]

Is that what happened?

[A]

No, but, like, I have. I have so many.

[B]

What the hell are you talking about?

[A]

Then that was off topic because, Landon, we were on a. We went on a cruise with EMTs, and we heard more stories about this stuff than you would ever know in your life. I know, but this is. We're.

[B]

You're going to case 42. We're on case 41 right now.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Well, I guess lose some damn weight. Hell. Hell, I'd have dropped him. I'd have laughed my ass off.

[A]

I. I couldn't.

[B]

I.

[A]

Laughing. That's what I'm saying. I'm too. My point of saying all that was to say I'm too honest to be this kind of thing. I could never. Because it's not professional to laugh at your patient. And I would be like, get off the floor. You're so damn dramatic.

[B]

Exhibit A of why I don't have animals. Anyways. What was the conclusion of that one?

[A]

My conclusion of that is that I could never be at MMT because I laughed. And. And in serious situations. And if.

[B]

Yeah, somebody could be decapitated on the side of the road and I'd be poop, I would.

[A]

Okay, that's dark. But if he said, I can't walk, my back hurts, I would say, get your ass up and get to the stretcher. Or your ass can stay here and your back can hurt. If your back hurts bad enough to where you want to call the ambulance, your back hurts isn't bad enough for you to walk, get your ass up and walk to the stretcher. That's what I'd have told him.

[B]

Well, that was another doozy.

[A]

I. I honestly, nothing surprises me at this point. Y' all need to never have.

[B]

Not get fish and don't get a. Don't have any and don't become an emt. That's the most.

[A]

Don't have it. Yeah. All right, everybody. Thanks for tuning in to this week Bloodline Banter. Subscribe anywhere you find your podcast. I'll talk to you later. Bye.

[B]

Hello, everybody. Thank you for tuning in to Bloodline Boo.

[A]

Boo. Boo. I'm booing you, dear, in the middle of your conversation. Boo. Doesn't feel very good, does it? Go ahead.

[B]

But mine wasn't booable worthy anyways. Thank you for tuning in to bloodline banter. We'll see you next time. Subscribe. Do all the things. Sam.