Never Trust A Fart

Summary

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Bloodline Banter – "Never Trust A Fart"

Hosts: Landon (B) & Riley (A)
Release Date: February 5, 2026

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Episode Overview

In the second episode of Bloodline Banter, Landon and Riley dive deep into Southern living, personal mishaps, and family-style wisdom, serving up their signature irreverent humor. From surviving Nashville’s recent ice storm and run-ins with security at Walmart and malls, to candid confessions about dietary struggles and outrageous listener submissions, this episode is a rollercoaster of laughs, hot takes, and cousinly counsel.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Podcast Milestones & Introduction (00:19–01:03)

• The hosts celebrate the podcast’s explosive start, sharing their high chart rankings ("13 right now in our category… above Khloe Kardashian" – Landon, 00:40).
• Gratitude for listener support and hope to provide lighthearted content amid heavy world events.

2. Nashville Ice Storm & Weather Grievances (01:03–04:29)

• Nashville hit hard by an ice storm, resulting in power outages and treacherous conditions.
• Riley shares his disdain for extreme weather:

  "It's like the damn ice on the pavement is thicker than a Cheesecake Factory menu." (A, 02:49)
  "I can complain about the cold all day, but as soon as it turns above 80, I'm gonna be bitching cause I got swamp ass." (A, 01:44)

• Landon thrives in cold, while Riley admits he’s miserable in both heat and cold.

3. Grocery Trip Tales & Riley vs. Walmart (05:00–07:40)

• Riley recounts a chaotic trip to Walmart for kale and wax strips, resulting in an awkward run-in with security after taking groceries into the bathroom:

  "If I was gonna steal something, I wouldn't steal kale." (A, 05:53) "I ain't waiting around to be questioned by the damn Paul Blart at the Walmart." (A, 07:29)

4. Dietary Fiber Mishaps (08:00–09:29)

• Discussion shifts to digestive woes — Landon’s constipation and Riley’s infamous "Fiber One" brownie story as a kid:

  "Before I even got to where they could check my receipt, I could bend over and shit plum back to the sample booth." (A, 09:10) "I sharted. I did. Sorry. I trusted a fart." (A, 09:29)

5. Mall Security & General Incompetence (09:41–11:07)

• The two roast mall security guards, remarking on their age range and lack of readiness:

  "The mall cops at the mall here range from 85 years old to 14 to 15 dropout of high school." (A, 10:40) "That poor old mall cop couldn't even... if he stepped one more time, he'd have broken a hip." (B, 09:55)

6. Expressing Thoughts & Bullying Culture (11:10–12:55)

• Landon confesses:

  "If I have an unexpressed thought, I grow anxious." (B, 11:10)

• Heated discussion about "bringing back bullying" but clarify it’s about honesty, not malice:

  "We became a world where people can’t handle the truth." (A, 12:01) "Bring back speaking our minds." (A, 12:34)

7. DoorDash Interruptions & Valentine’s Day (12:55–16:15)

• DoorDash delivery momentarily distracts the hosts.
• They reflect on the transitory nature of social media Valentine posts:

  "They change their significant other like they change their damn panties." (B, 15:21)

• Riley judges those celebrating Valentine’s Day at McDonalds—unless the McRib is back.

8. Southern Living: Ramen, Cheese Dip, and Dietary Habits (17:00–19:59)

• Debate over "ramen" vs. "Raymond" noodles and Southern food quirks.
• Landon's cooking criticized for high salt content:

  "Every time I eat at Landon’s, I have to leave and prop my feet up cause my ankles are swollen." (A, 17:00)

• Lamenting chip and snack packaging not being full:

  "You can put icing all the way to the corner of a freaking pop tart. We are advanced." (B, 20:15) "I opened Pringles the other day, and the damn thing laughed at me." (A, 20:21)

9. Snack Portion Sizes and Overeating (21:04–22:46)

• Mock outrage over suggested serving sizes for ramen and Totino’s pizza.
• Landon's love for cheese and unique snacking habits dissected.

10. Fear of the Ocean & Social Media Oddities (23:29–26:47)

• Would either host row across the Atlantic kayak-style?

  "I’m not getting in the ocean unless I’m on something big enough to hit a wave and not capsize." (A, 24:08)

• Landon introduces the viral "Gyp Stain Files" (Gypsy Rose Blanchard TikTok trend), prompting colorful commentary:

  "She was supposed to be in a wheelchair, and she's up belly dancing in the bathroom like Shakira." (B, 26:23) "You can't keep a bad bitch down." (A, 26:30)

11. TikTok Feeds & Champagne Tastes (27:15–29:15)

• The hosts compare their "For You" pages, from deep-fried drama to cooking and singing videos.
• Champagne likened to "static electricity with a little bit of grape" (A, 29:12).

12. Authentic Mexican Food & Cilantro Wars (29:39–30:50)

• Cheesy nostalgia for their hometown’s style of cheese dip versus Nashville’s authentic fare.
• Both hosts dislike cilantro; Riley says it "tastes like Dawn dishwashing liquid."

13. Cousin Council: Wild Listener Confessions (31:10–35:50)

Segment start: 31:10

• Listener submissions read and roasted:
  • Accidentally drinking bourbon instead of Dr. Pepper as a kid.
  • Someone admits to "hooking up with a tree":

    "The tree can't even buy you dinner and you're going to hook up with the tree?" (A, 33:07)
    "My advice to you is to never leave your house again." (A, 33:55)

  • Toe stubbing woes:

    "At this point, just go to the doctor and see if they'll cut it off because, I mean, it's clearly in your way." (A, 35:19)

• Memorable catchphrase:

  "Give us your best shot, but don't screw a tree." (A, 35:50)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On weather:
  "It's like the damn ice on the pavement is thicker than a Cheesecake Factory menu." (A, 02:49)

• On honesty:
  "If I have an unexpressed thought, I grow anxious… I have to say what's on my mind immediately or I'll die." (B, 11:10)

• On self-deprecating family wisdom:
  "When hootin met hollering." (B, 18:32)

• On viral internet culture:
  "Every time she stood up out of that wheelchair, it filed for compensation. Workers comp." (B, 27:10)

• On food portions:
  "You have to get plum up here before you reach the first damn Pringle." (A, 20:25)

• On being asked for advice:
  "When we give you advice, you then become a liability. And this is not legal advice…" (A, 31:37)

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Notable Timestamps

• 00:19–01:03 | Show intro & chart rankings
• 01:11–04:29 | Nashville ice storm & power outage rants
• 05:00–07:40 | Riley's Walmart bathroom confrontation
• 09:10–09:29 | The infamous fiber-filled brownie "incident"
• 10:40–11:07 | Dissection of mall security stereotypes
• 12:00–12:55 | "Bring back bullying" (truth-telling, not meanness)
• 15:11–16:15 | Social media Valentine’s cycle & McDonald’s date debates
• 21:04–22:46 | Southern food portions and serving size outrage
• 23:29–26:47 | Atlantic crossing by kayak & Gypsy Rose TikTok mayhem
• 31:10–35:50 | Cousin Council: listener stories, including "tree hookup"
• 35:50–end | Farewell, plugs, and outro banter

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Episode Tone & Style

Authentically Southern, relaxed, and outrageously candid. The hosts riff with each other like family, blending heartfelt advice with wild storytelling and zero-filter opinions. Listeners feel like they're part of a group chat-turned-podcast—a perfect mix of nostalgia, relatable confessions, and small-town wisdom.

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Takeaway

This episode’s a boisterous celebration of the everyday mishaps and joys of Southern living. Whether they’re laughing through constipation stories or giving sense-free advice in "Cousin Council," Landon and Riley’s chemistry makes for endlessly entertaining banter—just be prepared for detours, oversharing, and the occasional food critique.

Key lesson:
"If I was gonna steal something, I wouldn't steal kale." (A, 05:53)
And maybe—never trust a fart.

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Transcript

[A]

Get away from me. I didn't hear nothing.

[B]

And you go there. You're stupid.

[A]

I don't even love this, but I ain't eating no damn tuna fish bread.

[B]

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Bloodline Banter. I'm Landon.

[A]

And I'm Riley.

[B]

And here we are. Thank you so much for tuning in to the first episode. We were shown so much love, we can't even believe it. It's literally insane.

[A]

It's been crazy. We are so thankful and we just hope that you get a good laugh and can forget about all the other shit going on in the world.

[B]

Yeah. And we also charted. They charted us. We're. I think we're sitting 13 right now in our category.

[A]

Category. And 130 in the world.

[B]

Which might I add, is above Chloe Kardashian.

[A]

Listen, if you're from our hometown, you don't know what that means. It's basically the opposite of being posted in the busted paper.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I mean, deal with that information as you will.

[B]

So anyways, so we've been. If you're watching this with power right now, iconic for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cuz we've had a.

[A]

We've had an ice storm in Nashville and half of Nashville is still out of power because the mayor sucks. So I would go down, but whatever. That's.

[B]

Anyways, this snowstorm. Well, how do you feel about it?

[A]

I hate the cold weather. And I know you thrive in it and I don't understand that. I never will. I don't even want to. But I'm sick and tired of the cold because there was a point in my life where I was big as hell and I was miserable in the heat and I'm still miserable in the heat. And honestly, I can sit here and complain about the cold weather all day, but as soon as it turns above 80, I'm gonna be bitching cause I got swamp ass. So I'm just tired of.

[B]

You hate weather. I mean, you just won't fall year round. I stayed on the ground. I mean, okay, so it snowed. How many inches did it snow here?

[A]

I don't know, but I'm about sick and tired of the. Because it's gotten so cold here that it just melts and then refreezes.

[B]

And you turning your face away from the damn camera. The. The microphone. You keep looking over,

[A]

these microphones are. These microphones are state of the art. They can catch me over here.

[B]

Yeah, but in the video it's going to be like, huh?

[A]

You're going to like, well, this is my camera. You've got yours. And we have one for the.

[B]

Over there. Who's over there?

[A]

Please excuse the hell out of me that I'm using the range of motion that God gave me in my neck to move it.

[B]

You're not an owl.

[A]

Who. Okay, I might be.

[B]

No Limb.

[A]

Okay, Betty.

[B]

Anyways, continue. You just needed to.

[A]

Well, I done forgot what we were talking about, cuz. On how you're miserable.

[B]

You're miserable as hell in this. In the water, I mean, in the ice and the heat.

[A]

I. I do hate the damn cold weather. I can't. It. It's like the damn ice on the pavement is thicker than a Cheesecake Factory menu. I'm sick and tired of this.

[B]

It is. It's. And it's been here for a long time.

[A]

I'm tired of it.

[B]

I mean, we've had ice on the pavement for seven days.

[A]

Listen, give me a daiquiri. I'm pretty sure it says an UV index of damn 7.

[B]

I'm pretty sure it says somewhere in the Bible that it's Thou shall not have ice on the sidewalk for seven days.

[A]

I know that it. I know that. I'm tired of the cold weather. I'm sick and tired of it. And you can thrive over. You're like a damn lizard on a rock. You love the he and you love the cold.

[B]

I hate the heat.

[A]

You're the first damn one outside at

[B]

the pool whenever it comes because everybody looks better tan.

[A]

Amen.

[B]

Amen. Anyways. But we did not lose power, thank God.

[A]

No, we didn't lose power. I'm real thankful for that. And it's probably.

[B]

Would you have survived? Let me just ask you that. If. Would you have survived if we lost power?

[A]

I mean, I would have lived, but very uncomfortably.

[B]

You think?

[A]

Hell yeah. I want to be able to run my microwave when I want to.

[B]

Yeah, you're right.

[A]

And I listen. I know I complain about the heat and the cold, but if you catch over again.

[B]

Who's over there?

[A]

I know you complained about the heat and the cold, but I really have lost my train of thought now because Landon's being an. What did you ask me?

[B]

I don't even remember if I would

[A]

survive in the heat. Yes, I know.

[B]

The cold. No, the. Without power.

[A]

I would survive without power, but I would be miserable. Is that better?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Thank you, King Tut. Shit. Oh, sorry. I looked the wrong way. I'm gonna have to put a neck brace on so I don't look to the left anymore. Okay.

[B]

Anyways. Oh, you've made me. What were we even Talking about Riley.

[A]

I don't know, Landon. We were on a great trajectory until you started talking about my damn neck.

[B]

Well, we were talking about the weather and how it was just all shitty. And then we had to go to the grocery store that day. We went to the Walmart, and poor Riley had a time. Riley versus the Walmart. Security.

[A]

Oh, my. And Lane. And split up because we haven't been to the grocery store. Because we have.

[B]

We got snowed in.

[A]

You can't go nowhere. And so I went to the Walmart yesterday. Do you know what I had to get? I had to get kale. Okay? I had to get kale. And never in my life did I think I'd buy kale. But I wanted to buy kale because I seen somebody making a smoothie on TikTok, and I wanted to make a smoothie with kale, okay?

[B]

But you say you bought kale, so I bought kale.

[A]

And I also bought wax strips because my eyebrows look like a damn kale caterpillar. And I don't care what you say about men getting their eyebrows waxed. I'm not trying to look like a woolly mammoth above my forehead. On my forehead. So I bought some wax strips to wax my own eyebrows.

[B]

How'd that go?

[A]

They're still here.

[B]

So good enough.

[A]

Anyways, and then I got a couple other things. And I had to pee. And I wasn't about to leave my. My groceries that I just walked around and shopped for outside the bathroom. And you may be thinking, riley, you took kale in the bathroom? You took food in the bathroom? That's kind of gross. I left it on the counter as soon as I walked in. So I'm sitting there, I'm standing there, use the bathroom, come back out, and there was a man walk in. And he looks over at me. Sorry. I looked to the left. He looked over at me and he said, sir, I'm stamp. I'm stepping away from the urinal. Like, I just buttoned my pants. Can you not talk to me after? Like, maybe when I'm washing my hands? And he goes, sir, you can't have merchandise in the restroom. There's a sign out front. And I said, oh, I'm sorry. I had to piss. And he said, this is considered shoplifting. I said, well, if I was gonna steal something, I wouldn't steal kale. So I think we're good here. He said, well, I just wanna make sure, you know, before I have to get security.

[B]

Security, I wish you would call security

[A]

on my ass, putting my kale on the bathroom when I took a piss at the Walmart. I just left the mall. You think I'm gonna go to the mall and if I was gonna steal something, it'd be bigger than kale, and I wouldn't steal it from the damn Walmart.

[B]

Amen. And he had a tie.

[A]

I'd steal something nice, like some Lindor chocolates or some shit. Listen, he said, do you know this is shoplifting, sir?

[B]

I said, no, and he want you to. Riley grabbed his basketball.

[A]

He grabbed my basket, walked outside, sat it down outside the door, and went in the office and told me he'd be right back. I grabbed my. I ain't waiting around to be questioned by the damn Paul Blard at the Walmart. I didn't steal. I bought that. And I actually used the wrong card at checkout and had to use another one, so I bought that. I'm good for a bag of kale. Don't underestimate me again.

[B]

What did.

[A]

How was.

[B]

Did you use the kale?

[A]

Yeah, I put in my smoothie. It turned it green, but it didn't taste green.

[B]

So you're gonna have to bend over and to China if you eat too much kale.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Makes you have the runs, which is the complete opposite of me because I've been constipated for the last three days. Except for this morning. I finally.

[A]

Well, I'm so proud of you.

[B]

I. I've been constipated for the past three days.

[A]

Landon looked at me the other day and he was like, riley, I'm constipated. And I said, well, Landon, I have a supplement for it down at the house if you need some. And he said, no, I think I'm going to try high fiber diet. And I was like, oh, okay, you've been looking at Pinterest or something.

[B]

No, I just. High fiber makes you poop.

[A]

Oh, I know, because I was at the Costco one time with my mom. And, you know, the only reason anybody goes to Costco is for the samples. Let's be so honest. And so I was walking around with Mom. That's the only grocery store I like to go into as a kid.

[B]

And, you know, at the samples, the

[A]

old people that give you the samples, they have to have a parent's permission. So I was like, mom, I want to try that brownie.

[B]

It was a fiber one brownie.

[A]

It was a fiber one brownie. And she was like, riley, you don't want that brownie. I said, mom, I do you want the brownie? I wore an Extra large. In the fifth grade, I wanted the damn brownie. And so she gave me the brownie and she said, now Riley, this has fiber in it and fiber makes you poop. And I was like, okay, I got to. I ate that brownie and in five minutes, before I even got to where they could check my receipt, I could bend over and shit plum back to the sample booth. I. It was working on my gut.

[B]

You 12 years old.

[A]

I did, I sharted. I did. Sorry. I trusted a fart. You know what I trust more than a fart?

[B]

What?

[A]

Mall. No, you know what? I trust a fart more than what I would trust a fart after a fiber. One brownie before. I trusted a security guard at the mall. We were at the mall yesterday.

[B]

I don't know what this 88 year old man, 87 year old man, thought he would do in the case of an emergency, but that poor old mall cop couldn't even. I mean, if he stepped one more time, he'd have broken a hip. He was fragile as hell.

[A]

And the other day we were like, we were trying to find. What were we trying to find?

[B]

I don't. A store.

[A]

We were trying to find a store in the mall. And Landon goes. I said, well here, let me just ask somebody. And I said, I'll ask this security guard. And Landon said, well, he don't know where anything is. I said, well, Landon, I surely hope hell he does know. Because if there is an emergency in the Dillards, I need to know that I'm not gonna die in the big

[B]

D. Yeah, but them mall cops where we're at, if they, if, if my mall cop could have a chance of having a sciatica nerve. They don't need to be a mall cop.

[A]

Listen, the mall cops at the mall here range from 85 years old to 14 to 15. Drop out of high school. I walked up the other day and there was a mall cop. She was like 18 maybe. She had in her earbuds and she was just bopping to some music over next to the Auntie An's pretzels. And I really hope nothing, I hope never hits the fan at, at the mall because if it does, we're screwed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Why are you on your phone?

[B]

I was just looking at something.

[A]

If I'd have done that, you'd have kissed me out.

[B]

No, I was just thinking like this is kind of way off topic, but if I have, I grow anxious when I have an unexpressed thought. I have to say what's on my mind immediately or I'll die.

[A]

Amen. That is the most relatable absa. Damn.

[B]

Lutely, if I have an unexpressed thought, I grow anxious. It makes me so. I have to take a deep breath.

[A]

You feel like elephants on your chest.

[B]

I do. And I just have to say what's on my mind.

[A]

You have to go to the doctor because all of a sudden, your left arm starts tingling.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you can't breathe, and you're googling your symptoms, and you've had three strokes and an aneurysm, and you just have

[B]

to get it off your chest. Do you not feel that way?

[A]

Yes, I do. You've had a hardest stroke and died, and you're on your way to the county morgue with a toe tag.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's why I think we need to bring back bullying.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Not bullying. Mean bullying.

[B]

But listen, not like being a mean girl. I know exactly what you mean.

[A]

Not like bullying to the point where somebody, like, starts to feel bad about themselves. But we have became a world where people can't handle the truth. And to me, that's a problem. Oh, God.

[B]

I agree. So you think we should just bring back the truth?

[A]

I think we should bring back the truth. We don't have to bully, but

[B]

if

[A]

it leads to that, then I guess it leads to that. But we also need to bring back standing up for ourselves so people can't bully us because.

[B]

Yeah, but anyways, I get what you're saying. You're. You're saying that you wish that we need. We need to bring people.

[A]

Bring back speaking our minds.

[B]

Amen.

[A]

I think all the time. I do, too. And if you don't like it, you can get a damn pair of earmuffs

[B]

because it's gonna save the bitching for your mama. And probably she don't even want to hear it either.

[A]

Take some Robotussin, because ain't no fussing with the tussin, baby. That's right.

[B]

I'm not gonna lie. I kind of got a little distracted when our Mexican food came in.

[A]

Yeah, we ordered doordash, and it just got here. We ordered doordash from Cinco de Mayo. It's a Mexican restaurant here in Nashville.

[B]

They don't need to know all them details. I just know the food is here. And I'm hungry as hell.

[A]

I am, too.

[B]

Anyways, what are we going to talk about now? I had a list here of everything we needed to talk about, but I

[A]

don't coordinate the episodes. I just show up Valentine's Day.

[B]

Let's talk about Valentine's day that's coming up. What's today?

[A]

February. February 1st. I feel like January was 83 days long. We went from the flu. The flu was going around. It was New Year's. We watched the ball drop, the immune systems dropped. We went. Then what else happened? It's Nashville, so some panties probably dropped too. And I'm just glad it's February. Yeah. Does this month have 27 or 28 days? Are we in the leap year? Oh, is that a leap year? I think the opposite. Oh, we're not in a leap year. I don't even know what that means. I was just wondering.

[B]

My nanny's brother was born on leap year. I don't know what that means, but he's still growing the hell old. Oh, no, he'd passed away.

[A]

Which one was that?

[B]

Bubba Jr. God love him.

[A]

Oh, I loved him.

[B]

He's. He said what was on his mind.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

All the time. He didn't give a Ford Ferk.

[A]

Yeah, he didn't give. Not one, two or three. He was good at card games, though. And it was always good to have him on your team, cuz you'd beat the other team.

[B]

Yeah, and if he got mad at you, he'd throw a glass of sweet tea in your face.

[A]

Bring back Bubba Jr. Style. Bullying.

[B]

Bubba Jr. Was his name, by the way. Shout out Bubba.

[A]

His legal name. We're from the middle of now. Was it. It was probably like John Davis.

[B]

That was not right. That's not right.

[A]

Anyway.

[B]

Okay, get off the subject. Anyways, what are we talking about? January was 83 days long.

[A]

Valentine's Day is coming up.

[B]

Valentine's Day's coming up. How do you feel about that?

[A]

I mean, I think it's a great holiday, you know?

[B]

Is it a holiday?

[A]

Oh, is it a federal holiday?

[B]

Surely not. That's what I meant.

[A]

Yeah, probably not. Well, I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I think it's a great day, but I just can't help but notice that everybody posts a different Valentine every year.

[B]

Oh, it's so bad.

[A]

It's like Thanksgiving every year someone posts, I'm so thankful for my wonderful husband. And then the next year the wonderful husband's gone and you're posting, you're so thankful for his.

[B]

And it's been like that for the past 10 years. They can't. They changed their significant other. Like they changed their damn panties.

[A]

It just goes like this. You're on a high, you're on a low. You're on a high, you're on a low.

[B]

Yeah, I just can't get over the restaurants like McDonald's. They think they need to be like. I'm not judging if you take your sick. Your. Your partner or your girlfriend or your boyfriend to a. On a date on Valentine's Day to McDonald's.

[A]

I'm judging.

[B]

You're judging.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just can't deal.

[A]

Not unless the McRib is out and then you can take them because I. With a McRib.

[B]

Okay. Why are we putting roses on the tables at McDonald's?

[A]

They're just trying to fit in.

[B]

You know your ice cream machine don't even work.

[A]

And you always put. You always put ketchup on my hamburger. When I tell you I want it plain. Sorry, I'm.

[B]

Somebody has blowing me up over here.

[A]

Who is it?

[B]

I can't say on the phone. I mean on the camera. I feel like we're on the phone. You know, we got comments about our last episode. It was like. I feel like we're on FaceTime with each other. And that just warms my heart because that's iconic.

[A]

Well, if I forget what I'm saying, like I did earlier because Lane, it was me and Me and Timmy just pretend like I hung up because the cell phone service got disconnected.

[B]

I've not been mean to you this whole episode.

[A]

No, not mean. You were just you. You on me for looking to the left, which I've gotten better at since we started.

[B]

You keep looking over there. It don't help nothing anyways. Well, what do we got coming up? Nothing.

[A]

I don't really.

[B]

I don't do anything except for sit on my ass on the couch.

[A]

I don't either. Honestly.

[B]

I mean, I. I cooked dinner last night. It was good as hell. It was good, but it had enough salt on your blood pressure. Go straight to 300.

[A]

Yeah. Landon, every time he cooks, he. He's a good cook. Every time he cooks, he gets a little heavy handed on the salt. And I have blood pressure problems cuz I was fat for a long time and it took a toll on my arteries, I guess. And so every time I eat at Landon's I have to leave and prop my feet up cuz my ankles are swollen. It's just cuz he uses the out of Worcestershire sauce, I think.

[B]

No, it's slap your mama. Oh, I love slap your mama.

[A]

I do too. I put it on my ramen. New news earlier. My new ramen ramen noodles.

[B]

Ramen noodles. That's actually how you say it. It's actually not how you say that. You're from the south, we say Raymond.

[A]

Okay, Ray.

[B]

Raymond Noodles. Raymond Noodles.

[A]

Yes, it is like that. But see, we have to pretend like we're cultured since we're from the middle of nowhere. So we have to say ramen.

[B]

Why do we? No, Hell no. It's a Raymond. R, A M E N. If you're

[A]

watching, your name is Raymond. You just got a shout out. You're welcome. So make sure you're subscribed and following us on Apple podcast. Raymond. Raymond. But I with the chicken noodles. Okay. I put some. I put some slappy mom in them earlier and ate the piss out.

[B]

You ate them today?

[A]

Yeah, right before we got here.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. That is the one thing I've ate today. I got excited when we ordered Mexican and said I hadn't heard all day. I did. I ate some ramen noodles.

[B]

You really say ramen? That gives me the ick.

[A]

Yeah. Just because we're in the city, nobody knows who we're talking about when we say Raymond.

[B]

You know, if I could explain you in one sentence, it'd be when hootin met hollering.

[A]

Thank you. I love to hoot and holler. Hell yeah. That's like my only personality trait. I'm gonna put that on the resin.

[B]

Hollering. Do you remember being at home?

[A]

You're bitching at me for looking to the left. Left. And you have half of your body out of the frame because you can't sit like a normal person.

[B]

Speaking of hooting and a hollering, do you on Riley. Who gives a Ford if my foot is out of my chair?

[A]

I have to pee again. But we can keep going.

[B]

Do you have bladder problems?

[A]

I think I do. You know, somebody said that's a precursor to diabetes and I hope it's not, cuz diabetes already runs in the family.

[B]

You got bladder problems with diabetes?

[A]

They say diabetes can. I don't know. What were you saying?

[B]

I was just saying, do you remember growing up at night and growing up at night? Growing up and It'd be like 12 o' clock in the morning 1am and you needed to go to warm something up in the microwave. And I swear the microwave, you have

[A]

to stop it right before it hits one second.

[B]

Yeah, because it's gonna be hooting and hollering. The microwave is so much louder at night.

[A]

It's just like whenever you go to get something like a bag of Doritos at night and like I used to

[B]

the bit, the crinkle.

[A]

I used to tell everybody that I was on a diet and at night I would go get Doritos or something out of the living room, and those Doritos were in a damn mariach band at night because that was so loud. You'd open, and it was like. And if you're opening it in a room full of people, it's just like.

[B]

And you know what? I. I feel.

[A]

Pissed me off.

[B]

I feel strongly about this. I have to get up. I believe that we're technologically advanced enough in this country and in this world that we can stand to fill the whole damn bag of Doritos up. You can fill up a chip bag.

[A]

I opened a.

[B]

You can put icing all the way to the corner of a freaking pop tart. We are advanced.

[A]

I opened Pringles the other day, and the damn thing laughed at me. I was.

[B]

There's more air in the bag than Doritos.

[A]

You have to get plum up here before you reach the first damn Pringle. You're.

[B]

When you're. You're.

[A]

When you're elbow deep in the damn.

[B]

Elbow deep in the back before you even can pick up a damn Dorito.

[A]

And then you eat three or four and you feel like a fat ass because you've ate the whole bag and there were only 12. Speaking of 12, do you know whenever you open a Raymond Ramen noodle pack, the back of it says that the serving size is 2. I will die of a fragile death before I share a pack of ramen noodles with somebody.

[B]

There's.

[A]

If you think that's gonna fill up. Who the hell is that filling up a toddler? Not me as a toddler. I was fat as hell. It's filling up like nothing. A damn.

[B]

It's not even filling up my bowl.

[A]

Cardinal bird.

[B]

I have to put two in there to get full.

[A]

Hell, yeah. I about ate two earlier. It just pissed me off when I got to the end of it.

[B]

That's like a Totino's pizza, which I love.

[A]

Landon loves a Totino's pizza, but he eats. And you wonder why you're constipated. It's cause you put enough cheese on

[B]

that damn thing to kill an elephant

[A]

to choke a damn cow. He'll say, do you want extra cheese? If he makes one and I'm with him, he'll be like, you want half this? I'm like, yeah, sure. He'll say, you want extra cheese on yours? I'll say, sure. There was an inch and a half of cheese on this.

[B]

I love cheese anyways. Yeah, but Totino. Can you eat a whole Totino's pizza? Yeah. I can.

[A]

Can you?

[B]

Yeah, actually, I can.

[A]

Surprising. Landon doesn't eat a lot at one time. He'll snack and graze, and then he'll eat, and he'll eat, and he'll eat.

[B]

I'm not a cow grave.

[A]

You do that like grazing on grass. You eat three or four bites out of something at a time, and then you ask for a to go plate, and if you don't take it to go, you put a napkin on it.

[B]

I always feel, y', all, this is a serious thing, and I. I feel strongly about this. If I don't eat all my food at a restaurant and I don't want to take it to go, I used to order get a to go box even if I. I wanted it or not. Anyways, if I don't take it to go, put a napkin over it because I don't want to make the restaurant think I didn't like it.

[A]

I paid for that. If I don't eat it.

[B]

I always say about two. I'm like, it's not your fault that I didn't eat all my food. It's my fault because I'm a bird and I just eat two bites and I'm full. But you know what? I don't even care. This is maturing after. After today. I paid for that. I don't give a if I eat it or not. You don't have to bleep these F words out. Yeah.

[A]

Damn it.

[B]

I've said three in a row. I've said three in a row. I'm on a row. Anyways, what are we gonna see? This. Just pray for me. This is a complete topic change, but you know, I can't. I'm adhd Anyways, Undiagnosed. I. I'm diagnosed. Seen a woman on my Instagram reel, and she rode across the pond.

[A]

When you say road, are we talking

[B]

about, like, she rode across the ocean?

[A]

Because she not afforded.

[B]

No, Riley, she was in a boat.

[A]

What are the things called that they put on the front? A trolling motor.

[B]

I don't know if she had a motor or not, but she rode across the ocean. Like, would you do that?

[A]

I'm gonna need you to close your eyes, count to three, and ask that question again, because you already know the answer to that. Would I get in a kayak and row across the Atlantic Ocean? I'm not getting on the kayak. I'm not getting in the ocean unless I. I'm on something big enough to hit a wave and not capsize.

[B]

She hadn't capsized yet. I think she made it. Did she not?

[A]

She made it.

[B]

She made it. That's dedication.

[A]

If that boat doesn't say of the

[B]

seas don't have sword.

[A]

I'm not getting on it.

[B]

If that boat don't have a buffet.

[A]

If that boat. If I don't gain £16 on that ship. I'm not getting on it.

[B]

Amen. And yeah I agree. I agree. If the shower is not a.

[A]

Do you know what though? That is dedication.

[B]

Because it is.

[A]

Could you imagine what the hell would you do if. Why have you never seen some of the in the ocean. And you're going to get it in.

[B]

I'm scared of a damn jellyfish. I'll get in. I stick to the pool.

[A]

You're going to get in a damn Pringles can with two spatulas and try to roll that row row that I'm.

[B]

I'm not getting.

[A]

I'd be rolling the fuck over in my grave because I'd be dead before I got on a kayak in the ocean.

[B]

More power here though. She made it so clearly it's doable. But it ain't doable for me. It ain't nothing but a bunch of monster damn soup.

[A]

The word do D O is not in the R I L E Y so I'm not doing shit. Especially if it means I'm getting in a boat to row across the Atlantic Ocean. Could you not have row to get across a lake first?

[B]

I'm sure she practiced there.

[A]

How the hell are you gonna practice for a 25 foot wave and a great white shark?

[B]

You just gotta be a trooper. And we ain't that.

[A]

Hell no. You will never catch me in a skiff.

[B]

Anyways. I had something else to talk about but I forgot. Do you have anything you wanna bring up?

[A]

You wanted to talk about Gypsy Rose Blanchard. That's what it was.

[B]

I didn't put that on my notes. Jip. Jip. What the hell are we doing?

[A]

Not mine. So don't give me the on the

[B]

tick tock for you page right now. And people know about it. My video went like got a hundred K views. People are looking at the gyp stain files. That's what they've named them. If you search Gyp stain files on TikTok. I'm passionate about this. I have a whole series on my TikTok dedicated to Jip Jip and Jip Jip has God lover. She lost her marbles. I think we already knew that. But Raleigh.

[A]

Perhaps we did.

[B]

She was supposed to be in a wheelchair and she's up belly dancing in the bathroom like Shakira.

[A]

You can't keep a bad bitch down.

[B]

You know what? You're right.

[A]

Hit it. Jip. Jip.

[B]

Jip. Jip. She was. She was. She also said some unimaginable things I can't even repeat. Or we had get.

[A]

I've seen him and I really. I hope Gypsy gets the help that she needs. And that would include a rhino pasty. And you know what? People could probably say the same thing about me. Probably. People could probably say that I need lipo in the chin. And that's true. But I'm self aware.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So suck.

[B]

Anyways, I. I just wanted to talk about how the Gypsy files are literally insane. If you've not seen them on Tik Tok, you need to go look at them immediately. And Jip. Jip. Every time she stood up out of that wheelchair, it filed for compensation. Workers comp.

[A]

See, that doesn't happen. Like my turn. My. My for you page isn't like, what is it? And then out. My for you page is literally people singing.

[B]

Oh, I love a good song. My for you paychecks, I'm Simon Cow. Sometimes My for you paychecks, I'm Simon Cow. Sometimes it will. Plus some of the talent on my for you page. Singing, dancing, acting, all of the.

[A]

See, mine is.

[B]

And I never usually have to hit the red buzzer. It's pretty good.

[A]

Well, the good. I'm so proud.

[B]

Anyways, keep going.

[A]

Mine is usually like. I don't even know. It really varies. You've said that two times in two episodes. You're gonna have to work on your posture before you at me about my take neck again.

[B]

You're doing good today, actually.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's because we've switched seats. I feel more comfortable on this side.

[B]

You can't see my double chin from this side. I don't think. And I hope you can't.

[A]

My face doesn't look like I've had three strokes on this side. I don't think. And if it does, don't tell me because I like it over here. Because I'm right handed and I feel like I can do things better on my right side and you're to my right, so.

[B]

Okay, you're not making any sense. Continue what you're saying about your for you page.

[A]

It's all over the place. One day someone's cooking, the next day someone's talking about how they got divorced to have three daddies. Baby daddies. So it really. It's. It's. It's Fluid. It changes.

[B]

Mine don't. Mine's just.

[A]

A lot of the times, though, I don't scroll on the for you page. I scroll on the following or the friends page on tick Tock because.

[B]

Did you want to support your friends?

[A]

Because I follow the people I follow for a reason. Because I want to be interested in their.

[B]

Excuse me.

[A]

It's because we're drinking champagne.

[B]

I meant to hold it in.

[A]

It's because we're drinking champagne and because if you just sit here and look at it, the bubbles bubble up, and it's kind of like electricity meets alcohol.

[B]

Somebody text me the other day and told me champagne tasted like static electricity.

[A]

It does.

[B]

It does.

[A]

Yeah. Kind of. With a little bit of hint of grape.

[B]

Okay. I feel like we're getting way off track and we need to rain it in.

[A]

We are. Hell, you had a list, and we went. We. I don't think we've hit.

[B]

I hit all the. On my list.

[A]

Did you?

[B]

Yeah. Do you got anything you want to air out to the people?

[A]

You know, all I got to say is that I'm hungry as hell right now. The Mexican foods here and here in Nashville. Listen, we're from a town where we have two Mexican restaurants, and we. We only go to one. Really?

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

And we. It's not authentic. Okay.

[B]

It's authentic to me.

[A]

It ain't authentic to everybody else because it's literally. We order a cheese dip. We don't say queso.

[B]

No. Okay, so it. In my vocabulary.

[A]

No. Not to mention it's spelled with a Q and starts with a K. What the. We don't eat queso. We. We eat cheese dip. Back where I'm from.

[B]

Cheese.

[A]

And here in Nashville, they are very, like, authentic. That is authentic. Like, I respect the hell out of it, but I have that gene where cilantro tastes like dawn dishwashing liquid, and so I just don't enjoy it.

[B]

I hate cilantro.

[A]

We finally found cilantro.

[B]

Tastes like soap.

[A]

I can tolerate it now, kind of. We finally found a Mexican restaurant that has that trans fat cheese dip that will stain your. You know how your parents told you if you swallowed gum, it'd stay in your stomach for seven years? That cheese dip's been coating my intestine since 2003, and I'm just excited to eat it. Hell, I ordered some kind of chicken feta salad. I was excited.

[B]

Shit. You ordered a chicken feta salad?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's growth.

[A]

I'm trying to lose a couple more pounds.

[B]

You're. You're getting skinny.

[A]

Trying to lose.

[B]

If you lose any more weight, you're gonna blow in the wind.

[A]

Mm. Say it again. Say it again.

[B]

You'll blow from here to California.

[A]

That is like Bohemian Rhapsody to the ears. I feel like you just played Beethoven's chorus on the piano.

[B]

This is Cousin Council. Why do you have me doing this submission? It's dumb.

[A]

It ain't my fault someone lives a stupid life. This is severely up.

[B]

Okay, let the Cousin council begin. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Cousin council. Where y' all seem to want our advice or counsel, which is the most dumbest shit you could ever want, but here we are, and we're doing it.

[A]

When we give you advice, I just want to let you know that you then become a liability. And this is not legal advice because. Listen, there are two ways you should take something. What would Riley do? And what is the right thing to do?

[B]

And listen, we need bracelets made. WWL D. WWRD Riley's version of things

[A]

may include cussing someone. Absolutely the hell out.

[B]

It's okay. Okay, let's get started.

[A]

Go ahead. Okay.

[B]

When I was 8 years old, my dad told me that he was drinking Dr. Pepper. So I took a big drink of it, and it was bourbon. And I don't know how to cope. Well,

[A]

I don't necessarily think that's something you need to cope with. I mean, I guess I could be wrong. You know, we've all been through different.

[B]

Swallow and move on with your life.

[A]

Well, you know, I get it didn't taste like Dr. Pepper, and Dr. Pepper may have tasted differently to you for a long time after that, but I

[B]

have a funny story about this, actually. Can I tell it real quick?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

One time I thought, I feel like everybody's done this. Took a big swig of my father's spit cup, like Copenhagen, long cut.

[A]

No, I don't think. I don't think everybody's done that.

[B]

No, but, you know, like, that's what you need to cope with.

[A]

Bourbon.

[B]

Sign me up. And I come to your house anyways. Yeah, just no need to cope. Just move on. I mean, you know, swallow and move on.

[A]

I'm sorry you went through that, but get over it. This one has me gagged. Okay, Some of y' all need to seek psychiatric help, and you need an immune system.

[B]

And I don't even know if I believe this, because. What do you mean?

[A]

Even if you are ridiculous enough to share this and it's not true, that shows me you have a deeper problem potentially, than what it actually is. So this person says, one time I Hooked up with a tree. No context. No, the tree can't even buy you dinner, and you're going to hook up with the tree? What the hell is wrong with y'?

[B]

All?

[A]

Y' all have lowered your standards completely. To hell.

[B]

And Riley said earlier, we get that pine trees are pretty, but don't fuck with one.

[A]

Okay? I didn't think that needed to be said, but apparently I'm wrong.

[B]

I just hope.

[A]

Are you okay? Like, did you call 911?

[B]

Is the cooter intact?

[A]

No, that may have ripped the cooter plum back to the tutor.

[B]

Okay,

[A]

listen, this is an issue. My advice to you is to never leave your house again.

[B]

Case adjourned.

[A]

Hell, you are gonna be on a registry like some people are for other reasons. And you're never gonna be able to go to a national forest again. As a matter of fact, when we get off here, I'm calling the Department of Wildlife Resources. Hell fire. Y' all are weird as hell. Okay, that case should have never even been opened. Hell, I feel bad to close it. I don't want that on my ledger.

[B]

In the past five months.

[A]

You know, one day you're gonna have to answer to that.

[B]

But, Riley, we adjourned the case. Adjourn it one more time. In the past five months, I've stubbed my pinky toe six times and now it's crooked. Wah. At this point, wear some damn tennis shoes or cut it off. I mean, hell, no.

[A]

Wear some steel toed boots like. Like you're going to work on the railroad or something. Hell, my condolences to you. But how do you manage to stub your pink. The same toe and now it's crooked. If I stub my toe two times in a year.

[B]

Are you. Are you bumping it?

[A]

I'm never getting out of my bed again.

[B]

What are you bumping your toe on?

[A]

Hell, at this point, the toe has to be like, completely lopsided.

[B]

Yeah, that's just. Yeah, get some steel toed boots.

[A]

At this point, just go to the doctor and see if they'll cut it off because, I mean, it's clearly in your way. How big is it? How big is your little toe? What are they putting in the water? Okay, case. Case closed. I still can't believe that bitch hooked up with a tree. And that was Cousin Council to submit your story. Hot take whatever you want. You can email bloodline [e-mail]. give us your best shot, but don't screw a tree.

[B]

Amen. Well, everybody, thank you so much for tuning in to the second episode of Bloodline Banter. We love you so much. Wherever you get your podcast, make sure you're following us on Apple. Download this episode. Subscribe on YouTube, Apple, Spotify, YouTube.

[A]

Hell, we're even on Amazon Music. And I didn't know that until I looked at the. The. The statistics the other day.

[B]

Anyways, wherever you get your pods, I've

[A]

been looking at that like the stock market. Y' all keep watching. I love you all. Give me kiss.

[B]

We love you. It.