Shadrach, Meshach, and the Billy Goat

Summary

Bloodline Banter: "Shadrach, Meshach, and the Billy Goat"

Host: 2M Media Group
Hosts: Riley & Landon
Date: July 9, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of Bloodline Banter is a high-energy, comedic Southern riff on daily life, family dynamics, and surviving the intense summer heat. From tales of extreme humidity and food preferences to candid discussions on patience and hilarious advice for listeners, Riley and Landon keep it real, relatable, and irreverently funny. The episode features their signature banter on everything from Southern living and travel stops to health journeys, beach trips, oddball trivia, and "Cousin Council"—their listener advice segment.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Southern Heat is Hellish (00:11–04:30)

• Riley and Landon launch into a riotous description of the extreme summer weather.
  • "It is hotter than two rats screwing in a wool sock behind a heater. In hell." (A, 01:17)
  • The heat is so oppressive that energy and patience are depleted; tempers flare easily.
  • Both conjure dramatic Southern imagery: Sherman’s march, N95 masks, and ‘swamp ass’ survival tips.
  • Advice includes using clinical-strength, aluminum-packed deodorant, and avoiding natural alternatives:
    • "You need some parabens up under that bitch...clumps up under there." (A, 04:09–04:21)

2. Dolly Parton's Travel Stop Experience (04:32–07:29)

• Landon recounts visiting Dolly Parton’s Travel Stop. Comparison to a church revival, with comedy about its biblical, Southern, and over-the-top kitschiness.
  • "It's literally Dollywood with unleaded." (B, 04:54)
  • "If Jesus had a smell...it would smell like Dolly's Travel Stop." (B, 05:25)
  • They marvel at amenities (cinnamon bread, guitar chandelier) and praise the ’Buc EE’s-level' bathroom standards.

3. Mothers, Brand Deals, and Family Quirks (07:21–08:09)

• Riley’s mom calls during the taping, leading to jokes about family-induced anxiety and Riley's recent brand deal with Chicken Salad Chick.

4. Solo Beach Trip & Beach Advice (08:10–10:10)

• Landon talks about a “solo” beach trip turning social, then offers advice about Florida's beaches:
  • Warns against swimming after dark: “That's when the damn sharks come out to eat.” (A, 09:24)
  • “If you come up in my house, I’m going to eat your ass too. Don’t be coming up uninvited,”—relating sharks to personal boundaries. (A, 09:54)

5. Patience as a Double-Edged Sword (10:41–11:22)

• They humorously debate the downside of being "too patient," sharing that growing patience leads to being taken advantage of.
  • "There comes a point where I think being too patient is a curse." (B, 11:00)

6. Medications & Surviving Summer (11:55–12:19)

• Riley notes that 3 out of 5 of his medications make him more sensitive to heat, joking about feeling like a “rotisserie chicken” outside.

7. Food Talk: Health Journeys, Cottage Cheese, and More (13:01–18:04)

• Landon details a recent grocery run using the “Olive” app to benchmark healthy food choices.
  • "Scanned all of my stuff...didn't get a score below a 60." (B, 13:16)
• Sharp food takes:
  • No Greek yogurt as a sour cream/ranch substitute (“If that ain’t got no damn buttermilk in it, I don’t want it.” – A, 15:50)
  • Strong hatred for dark chocolate—“I’d rather shit, throw up, and die…” (B, 16:10)
  • Favorite cakes: coconut, coconut poke, and red velvet (no pecans allowed).

8. Farmville Trading Post: Bartering with Family (19:53–20:24)

• Riley and Landon discuss how they barter groceries as neighbors, trading eggs for sriracha, relating it to "Farmville in real life."

9. Apartment Life & Survival Strategies (22:47–23:38)

• Jokes about giving excess food to neighbors or the local homeless population—with hesitations about safety.
  • “You could go feed them and do your due diligence...I'm not trying to go down there and get shot.” (A, 22:58)

10. Mosquito Outbreak & West Nile Worries (24:02–24:56)

• Discussion on genetically engineered “hell” mosquitoes thriving in the Tennessee heat and West Nile cases in Nashville.

11. Window Cleaners & Apartment Mysteries (24:57–26:14)

• Riley relays the saga of finding cooked ground beef thrown onto his window sill, suspecting neighbors of tossing trash out the window.

12. Feet, Shoes, and Flip Flop Controversy (38:29–39:31)

• Argument over flip-flop practicality and Landon’s foot issues—“I was on botched”—including a story about an ingrown toenail surgery gone wrong.

13. Friend Loyalty & Fake Friendships (36:48–37:11)

• They joke about how, if a friend wrongs one of them, the other will still be polite but “fake” to their face.

14. Random Current Events: Empire State Climb & Ocean Rowing (27:02–29:51)

• Two people climb the Empire State Building to propose—met with skepticism.
• Admiration (and disbelief) for a woman rowing solo across the Pacific for a whale foundation:
  • "You couldn't pay me a billion dollars to do that. No, not even a billion." (A, 28:59)

15. Listener Q&A: Bloodline Brain Check (39:34–48:41)

• Riley and Landon quiz each other on trivia—geography, science, pop culture, and food.
  • Notable roasting over missed questions and silly answers (“I don’t know. A walnut?” – A, 46:37)
  • Spirited debates about food (is ketchup a smoothie? is a hot dog a sandwich?) and personal preferences (no mustard, unless on a Dorito or sausage).

16. Cousin Council: Listener Stories & Advice (50:15–55:57)

• Riley and Landon answer two main submissions:
  • The Porta Potty Phone Rescue (51:02)
    • A listener recounts retrieving a phone from a porta-potty, earning disbelief and respect.
    • "I would’ve had to cut my arm off...a liability to my soul, my spirit, and my mental well-being." (B, 51:53)
  • Falling for a Co-worker (53:28)
    • Should she confess? Landon says yes, but “don’t expect anything.” Riley warns, “Never date your best friend.”
  • Roommate Toothbrush Nightmare (54:42)
    • Listener discovers roommate used her toothbrush. "Sue her for a personal injury." (A, 55:03)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "It's hotter than two rats screwing in a wool sock behind a heater. In hell." (Riley, 01:17)
• "If I see a bitch with a mask on in this heat, they're dumb as fuck." (A, 01:57)
• "It's literally Dollywood with unleaded." (B, 04:54)
• "If Jesus had a smell...it would smell like Dolly's Travel Stop." (B, 05:25)
• "That's when the damn sharks come out to eat." (A, 09:24)
• "There comes a point where I think being too patient is a curse." (B, 11:00)
• "If you come up in my house, I'm going to eat your ass too." (A, 09:54)
• "I would rather shit, throw up, and die than to put dark chocolate in my mouth." (B, 16:10)
• "If your grandma's dog is not fat, she didn't love it enough." (A, 33:56)
• "Sue her for a personal injury. …they will fight hard for a settlement for you." (A, 55:03)
• "If one of my friends does me dirty and I tell Landon, Landon don't like him anymore…I'll be so fake to your face…" (A, 36:49)
• "Never date your best friend." (A, 54:04)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:11 – Banter over sleep, couch woes, and heatwave begins
• 01:17 – Most colorful heat description: “hotter than two rats screwing in a wool sock…”
• 04:33 – Dolly Parton’s Travel Stop review
• 07:21 – Riley’s mom calls; brand deal chat
• 08:05 – Landon recounts solo beach trip, advice on ocean swimming
• 10:41 – Patience and personal growth discussion
• 11:55 – Medications that intensify heat sensitivity
• 13:01 – Health journey, groceries, and the Olive app
• 18:59 – Cake preferences and what not to add to baked goods
• 19:53 – The Farmville neighbor barter system
• 22:47 – Feeding neighbors/homeless debate
• 24:02 – Nashville’s West Nile mosquito outbreak
• 24:57 – Up-close with the mystery of beef on Riley’s window
• 27:02 – Empire State Building climbers & ocean rowing feat
• 39:34 – Bloodline Brain Check quizzes start
• 50:15 – Cousin Council segment begins
• 51:02 – The Porta Potty phone story
• 53:28 – The “should I confess?” advice letter
• 54:42 – Roommate toothbrush horror
• 55:57 – Episode wraps up, previews next week

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Recurring Themes & The Show’s Tone

Anchored in Southern humor, the episode brims with unfiltered opinions, a sharp tongue for both pop culture and practical advice, and a thread of cousinly love—even when the topics descend into absurdity. The hosts’ chemistry shines in storytelling, mutual roast battles, and their offbeat, genuine answers to listeners’ problems. Whether you’re seeking comic relief or insight into real-life Southern family antics, this episode delivers in both heart and hilarity.

Transcript

[A]

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to bloodline banter. I'm Riley.

[B]

And I'm Landon. Well, you already know the question. How'd you sleep last night?

[A]

My sleep score was an 86.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

I got the crown.

[B]

I did not.

[A]

My sleep score was a 94 the other day.

[B]

How?

[A]

I think I died.

[B]

You probably did. It sounds like you died.

[A]

What was yours?

[B]

69.

[A]

Okay. Not too bad. Could be better.

[B]

Oh, it's awful. I slept on my couch.

[A]

The hell?

[B]

I fell asleep on the couch and woke up on the couch.

[A]

I mean, I'm too wide for a couch. I can't. I can't sleep on the couch.

[B]

You're too white for a wide.

[A]

Wide load. Coming through. W, I D E.

[B]

Yeah, I slept on the couch. I don't know why. I just fell asleep there, woke up there, I slept good.

[A]

I get you a futon.

[B]

What?

[A]

You might need to get you a futon.

[B]

A futon?

[A]

Yeah, that turns into a bed. That way you don't have to move every time. You can just flop out your futon.

[B]

My couch will work.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

My couch is skinny, though. It's tiny. But, you know, when I sleep, I don't move. I just lay there and b.

[A]

And lays like a corpse dead to the.

[B]

I lay like I'm in a coffin. Anyways, I really don't know what we're

[A]

going to talk about today, but at the top of the docket, it is hotter than hell outside.

[B]

It is hotter.

[A]

On the way in, we passed Shadrach, Meshach and the Billy Goat. Because I'm telling you right now, I am looking for the fourth man in the fire out there. It is hotter than two rats screwing in a wool sock behind a heater. In hell.

[B]

Out there, the devil is alive.

[A]

He came down to Georgia and went

[B]

up to Tennessee and came straight through. And he's just tap dancing around, marching through like fucking. What's his name was carrying the William to Sherman. Sherman.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

He's burned the whole damn city.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I mean, you walk out, you feel like you're breathing through a damn wet sock. No, literally.

[A]

Damn. I feel like I've got on a N95 respirator.

[B]

I need an M95 respirator to be able to breathe.

[A]

If I see a bitch with a mask on in this heat, they're dumb as fuck. I just know you got some condensation up on that face.

[B]

And that's why they're gonna have acne.

[A]

Prone to acne.

[B]

Acne.

[A]

Gonna have to go get you some good skincare.

[B]

I'm telling you, it is hot outside. Bad.

[A]

It's insane.

[B]

You know, I'm just ain't got no energy today.

[A]

Well, it's probably because the sun sucked it right out of you.

[B]

It did.

[A]

That's what it's doing. It's sucking the energy out of everybody and powering the sun.

[B]

And let me tell you something, if you start some bullshit in this heat, I will, I will hit you up

[A]

in the head, fuck you up.

[B]

I don't want nobody if you ask me. What'd you say? If I have to repeat myself, if I have to do anything other than be normal in this heat, you're getting hit in the head.

[A]

Don't come at me sideways on a

[B]

Tuesday when it's 177 degrees.

[A]

Come at me sideways if it's 32 people in Arizona. But if it's 110, I will put my size 12 foot up your ass.

[B]

And people in Arizona and all the people out west are like, oh, it's 112ft.

[A]

Oh my gosh. Boo hoo hoo. You bitches. Come over to the south and last one day on the humidity and see how you like it. They wouldn't like it because the heat out in the west is different.

[B]

It's really hot.

[A]

I can deal with a hundred out there because it's just like. You just have to put on chapstick every 10 minutes.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

You do and lather up in some damn jerseys or you will be.

[B]

But shriveled up like a pr.

[A]

You come up to the south and you are sweating under every crevice and crack you have. Okay, I have the world's worst humidity. So if you see me like this in a minute, it's because I'm wiping sweat.

[B]

Well, that's. There's that.

[A]

I'm just telling you it's hot and

[B]

swamp ass and people need to know how to wash their ass.

[A]

If you're not washing your ass in this heat.

[B]

I praying for you.

[A]

I wasn't gonna say that.

[B]

I am. And you need to be wearing deodorant with aluminum in it.

[A]

You better wear some shit that will give you carcinoma of the pit. Don't come outside with no natural bullshit on.

[B]

No, it don't work.

[A]

If it's natural, that means it's in the. It's pretty much with the earth. Yeah.

[B]

So it don't work?

[A]

No. You need some parabens up under that bitch.

[B]

Yeah. Toxins. Yes. Yeah. 24 hour lasting wear. And you still need to reapply. And you still need to reapply you

[A]

need to have clumps up under there.

[B]

You do whenever you shower at night, it should be matted. Your deodorant should be matted up under there. Yeah, yeah. Anyways, well, there was that. I went to Dolly Parton's Travel Stop.

[A]

You know, that has to be like a Bible. That has to be like a Baptist. What are them things called where you have church all week?

[B]

A revival.

[A]

A revival about said revolution.

[B]

No, it's not that. Dolly Parton's Travel Stop. I tell you what, I didn't know whether to buy a cd, eat a meatloaf, or pump gas in there. It's literally Dollywood with unleaded. That's exactly what. And they got the damn cinnamon bread from Dollywood in there.

[A]

If they come out with that damn soup from the Dixie Stampede, I will work there, bitch.

[B]

Let me tell you.

[A]

I will record the podcast under the guitar chandelier.

[B]

Let me. And they had a guitar chandelier. Let me tell you. Buc EE's is quaking in their boots right now.

[A]

Did you hear what she said? She said I couldn't leave it to the beaver.

[B]

And then Denise said the people like it because it's. They like beavers and boobies.

[A]

You know what? Amen.

[B]

Amen.

[A]

I think that Dolly Parton.

[B]

Riley, it smelled. If Jesus had a smell, like if he had a scent, he probably does.

[A]

It's frankincense and myrrh.

[B]

Okay, well, it would smell like Dolly's Travel Stop in there.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Mixed with a little bit of cinnamon bread. Mixed with a little bit of coffee.

[A]

Is it the cinnamon bread from the grist mill at Dollywood Down?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Next to.

[B]

It's the same cinnamon bread that's in Dollywood.

[A]

What you doing?

[B]

After we record, you want to go? It's only an hour and eight minutes from here.

[A]

If they come out with that, I'm telling you right now, if I roll up and go over to the gift shop and they have that damn Dixie Stampede soup, I'm making a pot of it in the bathroom.

[B]

And people were asking if I need

[A]

to carry a bunch of bathrooms.

[B]

People were asking if the bathrooms are up to BUC EE's par. They are. There's not as many of them, obviously,

[A]

but, like, that is one thing you can't beat with. You can't beat the Buc EE's with Dolly.

[B]

Didn't she beat it? She equaled it.

[A]

My mother's calling me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Hey, I'm recording the podcast. What's up? Well, what is it? You're Gonna give me anxiety now.

[B]

Jessica, Share with the class.

[A]

Why would you call about that? I called you better earlier.

[B]

Oh, Jessica, what are you talking about?

[A]

All right, love you. Bye.

[B]

What did she have to say?

[A]

She was asking me about something I already told her about this morning, which is. Makes me think that's not what she was gonna tell me.

[B]

No, it wasn't. She played it good. What did you tell her about this morning?

[A]

What I did this morning. I don't know if I can talk about it yet.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I filmed a brand deal for a company. Well, it'll be out before. After this. I had a. I filmed a brand deal with chicken salad chick this morning.

[B]

Yeah, Wonderful. You deserve that.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Mm. So what do you think she actually was calling you about?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

There's no telling.

[A]

No, I really don't know.

[B]

Anyways, went to Dolly's Travel Shop. Also went on solo. Okay, please hold.

[A]

She wanted to know if I'm coming home this weekend for the Fourth of July. Why couldn't you just ask me that? Damn, you made me sweat under my left hip more than I already was from the hellacious heat out there. Because I'm freaking out thinking somebody died.

[B]

No, that's just anxiety.

[A]

In the name of the devil.

[B]

In the name of the devil. Anyways, also went on a solo beach trip. Okay, I'm just talking to myself right now.

[A]

I'm talking to my. The person who gave birth to me.

[B]

Okay, well, talk to her in a minute.

[A]

Okay. Landon went on a solo beach.

[B]

And it wasn't too solo.

[A]

No. Hell, he stayed one night by himself,

[B]

one night by myself, and then. And then friends showed up. Yeah, we had a good time. I will say this, if you go to Florida, Bama, and you are underage, just go in. Underage. Do not try to use a fake ID because they will confiscate that shit and kick you out. I didn't have to worry about that because I'm 22, but was down there with some people, and then. You know, it's crazy to think that it was literally cooler at the beach than it is here right now.

[A]

I mean, you have the wind from the ocean. It always feels cooler at the beach.

[B]

You know, I posted a video about this, but there was people in that damn water.

[A]

If you swim in the damn ocean anytime, I'll get. Now, don't get me wrong, I'll get in there during the day, up to my knee, like. And sometimes I'll get in there up to my knee and sit on my butt. So I Feel like I'm deeper. But if you.

[B]

You sit down in the sand, in the water.

[A]

Sand? Yeah.

[B]

Are you psycho?

[A]

I like to look for shells anyways.

[B]

You like to have sand in your ass crack?

[A]

No, I rinse it out before I get up.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

I stand up and shimmy so the sand falls out before I walk anyways. But if you're in the Damn ocean

[B]

after 7 o', clock, dark, after 4:30,

[A]

that's when the damn sharks come out to eat.

[B]

Bitch, you know, you shouldn't be in there when people are out there fishing at night. I mean, we were out there at 10:30 at night walking the beach. People were fishing and catching fish this fucking big. And you're swimming. There were people swimming in it.

[A]

I've seen people swimming under the fucking pier. The fishing pier.

[B]

Oh, hell yeah.

[A]

Surfing out there. Oh. Meanwhile, you have people cleaning fish at the end of the dock and throwing their blood and guts in the water. And you can see them sharks circling. And people are out there swimming. And then whenever somebody gets bit by a shark, people are like, oh my gosh, I can't believe the shark bit him. We need to kill the shark. Let me tell you something. You come up in my house, I'm going to eat your ass too. And will, I mean, don't be coming up uninvited. I. I'll eat your. I'll bite you too.

[B]

I went to Coastal in Orange Beach. They had the best food I have ever eaten in my life. Oh, we're taking another pause, I guess. If Riley's going to be on his phone, I'm going to be on mine.

[A]

I'm so sorry. I'm talking to my mother.

[B]

Well, anybody that I ever talk to over here, you bitch at me for it. So just, you know.

[A]

Well, you're not talking to your mother over there.

[B]

No difference. I have people in my life that

[A]

are more important than your mother.

[B]

Not more important, but as close. Close important. Closely.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

What?

[A]

Nothing.

[B]

I'm just saying.

[A]

You got anything pressing on your heart?

[B]

I don't have anything pressing. Except for that I've grown a lot of patience over the past year.

[A]

I'm so proud of you.

[B]

I'm not.

[A]

Because I don't think I like it.

[B]

No, I don't think I'm done. I think I'm gonna unlearn patience.

[A]

You shouldn't learn it with me.

[B]

No, not with you.

[A]

I've been trying to get it for a long time.

[B]

There comes a point where I think being too patient is a curse.

[A]

It is. Because then people Take advantage of your patience and your kindness, and I'm over that. You shouldn't.

[B]

I'm completely over that. I shouldn't have, and I still shouldn't, but I'm completely over this. So I think soon I'm gonna start wreaking havoc.

[A]

You know what that'll preach.

[B]

And it will be the bull. Are you patient?

[A]

Be the bull in their china shop.

[B]

And I will be. And I will wreck every piece of china they've got.

[A]

Throw it on the ground.

[B]

Throw it on the ground.

[A]

I'll be the matador. I'll be the matador. You can be the bull. I'll hold up the red cape, and you just plow into some fucking plates.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. You got anything present? Well, let me. You're. You're not patient anymore.

[A]

I am way more patient now than. I'm medicated. Yeah, than I used to.

[B]

Speaking of your medication, you told me this morning something.

[A]

They have come out with a list of medications that make you. That make you intolerant to heat.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Three out of the five that I take her on it.

[B]

And that's why.

[A]

And I wonder why. I go outside and I feel like

[B]

a fucking rotisserie chicken just spinning in the Costco.

[A]

I know. I feel like a damn. We've said it before. A damn taquito on a Circle K roller.

[B]

Yes. And speaking of a rotisserie chicken, if Dolly's Travel Stop comes out with a rotisserie chicken, she's putting Costco out of business. That's just how good the store was. I can't.

[A]

Well, the rotisserie chickens will be the ones that they got at the Dixie Sticker.

[B]

I have a lift today. It's because I took my invitaline out.

[A]

It'll be the Cornish ends that they got of the Dixie Stamping.

[B]

Do you want to go?

[A]

Yeah. I tried to get you to go yesterday.

[B]

Should we go to night for dinner and then just leave? Because I'm not saying the night. I don't have the energy. Where? The night. Dixie Stampede.

[A]

Oh, hell, yeah. I thought you meant the travel stop.

[B]

Oh, no, the Dixie Stampede.

[A]

He says that now, but he'll never keep his word on it.

[B]

No, I've already laid out a pack of hamburger meat to cook.

[A]

He's a damn liar. He's gaslighting me over here.

[B]

I'm making taco cottage cheese bowls for dinner.

[A]

Oh, Health journey.

[B]

Speaking of health journey, I went grocery shopping yesterday.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Went in, didn't even make a video, but, you know, where'd you go? Enjoyed Walmart okay, the usual. You can't beat the Walmart with the stick.

[A]

No, you can't.

[B]

You can't. Scanned all of my stuff with the olive app. If you're wondering what the olive. If you're wondering what the olive app is, it's a holistic food scanner app and you just scan a product or, or, you know, your groceries or whatever the case may be and it'll give you a score and it tells you how healthy it is for you or how not healthy it is for you. I scanned everything and I didn't get a score below a 60.

[A]

Well, you should wake up in the morning alive. I know.

[B]

Like, I'm on my health journey.

[A]

Our viewers can go to the link below or go to the olive app on the app store, download it, and claim your 7 day free trial today.

[B]

Yes, you can. And even if you don't, like, want to abide by the olive app rules, which are, you know, should buy healthy stuff, it's still fun to see what you've got in there.

[A]

I think it's fun to scan just to see what you're.

[B]

I'll be scanning everything you got. But you know what was the lowest thing was my deodorant, which is a 60. I didn't know Old Spice Fiji was a 60.

[A]

Really?

[B]

So I don't guess I am getting cancer, but. Well, anyways, that's besides the point. I'm making a taco cottage cheese bowl.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I like that. People don't. People don't like cottage cheese, but I do.

[A]

I do too. Have you ever tried blending it?

[B]

No.

[A]

And putting it. No. Listen, if you'll blend it and then

[B]

put it at the Mexican restaurant. Buy queso, bitch.

[A]

I'm not eating it in place of G stip. If you think I'm that fucking skinny, then I really appreciate it. But if I was that skinny, you would not be able to see me. My waist over here, I would blow away like a speck of dust in the damn abyss.

[B]

Yes, you would.

[A]

Hell no. I mean, like, I think you're losing

[B]

your weight back again, by the way, a little bit that you gained back.

[A]

Well, I ate grape salad chicken salad chick this morning, so I probably tacked on a couple calories, but

[B]

calories I don't count in my chicken salad chick.

[A]

Amen. I don't mind the, like, the curds, like the texture, but I did mix it in with something the other day. I mixed it in with my overnight oats and I blended it up and it's just like sour cream or Greek. Yogurt, I just blended it up and then put it back in the container. It was good though.

[B]

I see people that are on their weight loss journey blended up and they'll be adding like all kinds of stuff to it. They'll try to put it in the microwave and melt it. They put it. They do try it all.

[A]

If you ever look at me and say just use Greek yogurt in place of sour cream, I'm not doing that shit. Okay? I will drink water instead of a coke or whatever to save the calories. To use actual sour cream over Greek yogurt.

[B]

Do you know what else I'm not replacing? Greek yogurt.

[A]

Yogurt goes with damn fruit.

[B]

You know what else I'm not replacing? Or ranch. Don't try to give me no damn replacement for ranch.

[A]

No, don't give me no damn Greek yogurt. Ranch. Cottage cheese. Ranch. If that ain't got no damn buttermilk in it, I don't want it. Buttermilk. Salt and pepper.

[B]

Pepper. Stelpa. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

What are you going to eat like whenever you're having sweet tooth? Are you going to have like dark chocolate?

[B]

What did you just say?

[A]

Are you going to have like dark chocolate?

[B]

I would rather shit, throw up and die than to put dark chocolate in my mouth.

[A]

I'm so glad.

[B]

Taste like I shaved tree bark off of a tree and stuck it in a Hershey container.

[A]

I don't even know. It tastes like a Michelin tire.

[B]

A Michelin tire. Bitter as hell.

[A]

You know how whenever someone. You mean tell you how they grow dark chocolate? You know how whenever them Yee boys that getting their Bubba trucks and they, they peel out their tires on the road. They're squatted trucks. What they do to get dark chocolate is they go back with a fine tooth comb and they.

[B]

And soap up that they scrape the

[A]

soot off their tires left on the road and then they put it in a, in a container and then they write dark chocolate on the front of it and send it to whole foods.

[B]

And that's the only place you can

[A]

find that because it tastes like you're licking the road.

[B]

That's. That's what you're doing when you eat that nasty.

[A]

Don't ever.

[B]

If it ain't milk.

[A]

Well, dark chocolate is good for brain health.

[B]

I'd rather have dementia.

[A]

If it comes down between me eating dark chocolate and my brain being healthy. The only thing I'm eating for health is cottage cheese. It. Yeah, it's. I was thinking like a strawberry, but

[B]

I mean a cantaloupe Yeah.

[A]

I prefer a watermelon, but, yeah, I'm not. I do eat a carrot because apparently

[B]

they're good for eyesight and you need that because you're blind.

[A]

I'm getting there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I like a carrot cake. Oh, I love a carrot cake.

[B]

What's your favorite cake? Let's get on this topic. What is your favorite cake?

[A]

Either. Okay, I have three. I can't pick one. Look at me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm fat. I have three.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Coconut cake.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Coconut poke cake.

[B]

Okay. I was about to say, if it

[A]

ain't got, like, four cans, then don't

[B]

bring it to me.

[A]

And the cool whip and the shaving.

[B]

Okay. You're making sure.

[A]

Getting horny. Red velvet.

[B]

Okay, but I like a red velvet.

[A]

But don't come at me with no damn red velvet with a damn pecan in it.

[B]

You don't like a pecan.

[A]

I don't like a pecan and a cake. Okay. Don't mix fruit and cake. The don't go good together.

[B]

I disagree.

[A]

Not fruit and cake. Don't mix nuts.

[B]

I disagree.

[A]

Because you like a damn Italian wedding cake or whatever.

[B]

Italian cream cake.

[A]

Yeah. You put almond extract in that. It's gross. Riley, I don't like almond extract. Don't come at me with that almond. Only way I'm eating anything. Almond is an amaretto sour.

[B]

But, like, you can take out the almond and it would still be the best cake you've ever had.

[A]

Okay, but if you'll put vanilla extract in it, that's different. I do, but. And a carrot cake.

[B]

Used to. On carrot cake, when I remember you vividly saying, I want a damn carrot. My cake.

[A]

I do not remember.

[B]

You know what's good?

[A]

Did not recall.

[B]

You know what's good?

[A]

What?

[B]

Zucchini bread. You like zucchini bread? Here we go again.

[A]

That is my agent texting me.

[B]

Well, if he's texting you, he's texting.

[A]

No, he's not.

[B]

What is it about my brand deal? My car is dead. We're. We're not leaving here.

[A]

Well, I'm fucking calling it Uber because I'd be damned if I walk up that. I'm not walking, bitch. What were you just saying? Zucchini cake. Now. I've never had zucchini bread. No, I've never had that rally.

[B]

We bought it at the damn flea market that one time and ate it on the way home from Lake Chateaug in Blue Ridge.

[A]

I think I'd remember zucchini, Brad.

[B]

Riley, you've had zucchini bread.

[A]

I genuinely do not remember. But do you know what I do like? And I'm gonna make some when I get home because I got rotten bananas.

[B]

Banana.

[A]

Banana bread. And I'm not putting a. How many walnuts.

[B]

How many Brighton bananas?

[A]

Do you have a whole plethora?

[B]

Can I have two?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

Me and Landon like to do a barter system.

[B]

We're traders.

[A]

We're villagers.

[B]

Villagers.

[A]

Yeah, we're villagers.

[B]

We play Farmville in real life. Yeah. Literally.

[A]

Landon text me yesterday, said, hey, do you have two eggs? I said, yeah. He said. I said, do you have any sriracha? He said, yeah. I said, well, I'll swap you if you'll come get it. So he comes and gets the eggs. He.

[B]

And I got me some sriracha. And that's the perk of living with a family member in your own apartment complex.

[A]

Yeah. And then I went up to his apartment because I was trying to help him pull his fire alarm off the wall.

[B]

You're very quiet. You need to speak up.

[A]

I was trying to help him pull his fire alarm off the wall. And I was wondering, what is he gonna do with the eggs? Like, maybe bake a cake. This bitch is eating steak and fried eggs for dinner. And don't get me wrong, I like that, but that is very helpful.

[B]

Journey is nothing but better than a steak. A steak. Can't talk of this. I'm taking it out.

[A]

I have to sit up and pull my shirt because my back sweats.

[B]

I'm hunching. I'm just going to have technic today. Anyways, I made a steak and two over easy eggs.

[A]

I just want to say this, if y'. All.

[B]

And I'm going to make the same thing for tonight.

[A]

If y' all go to the circle, clear the map company and y' all open up the ice chest and you see my big fat ass laying up in there. Mind your damn business.

[B]

I'm mad at myself.

[A]

It's that hot out here. Mind your damn business. I will be laid up in that house just like a walrus on ice.

[B]

On it.

[A]

On a damn.

[B]

Like a penguin and an igloo.

[A]

No, on a walrus. On a glacier.

[B]

Walruses are in Antarctica, I think.

[A]

I don't know, like a polar bear on a floating rock.

[B]

Mad now, because I really want another steak and eggs for dinner tonight. But I don't have a steak laid out, and I laid out hamburger meat, so now my hamburger meat's gonna go in the fridge, and we're going to Whole Foods after this. I can get me a steak Make a hamburger steak with fried egg. I need a damn rib. Ey, I need a filet mignon.

[A]

Landon, it's only, like, one o'. Clock. You have plenty of time to thaw out a steak.

[B]

Oh, I could eat his taco cottage cheese ball for lunch. Yeah, I still got to go to the grocery store again to get lettuce.

[A]

I would love to go to Whole Foods. For real.

[B]

You want to go after this? Yeah, the Whole Foods. That makes me feel bougie.

[A]

But I will say, I went to Whole Foods the other day, bought a chuck roast, and it's currently past date in my fridge.

[B]

Do you need another one? I have one from the farm.

[A]

No, because I don't want to go through the hassle of making it because it.

[B]

You don't do anything to a chuck roast except for throw that in a crock pot with some carrots and potatoes.

[A]

Yeah, but I don't want that kind. I want the kind, like, where you sear it the cast iron in the Dutch oven, and then you flip it over and then you pull pour red wine beringon over the top of it with some tomato paste and some onion and some garlic, and you're about to

[B]

pull a. Maggie, I. I want to

[A]

put that in the oven.

[B]

Riley, can I just tell you that my.

[A]

See, this is what sucks. I make for people. And since you don't ever want to eat what I cook, I have a plethora of shit, and there's only one of me. So I eat it once and throw the rest of it away.

[B]

Pass it out to your neighbors. Find a homeless man I don't like. We live not right down the street, but right down the street from the damn Greyhound bus station. And there's all them homeless people out there. You could go feed them and do your due diligence.

[A]

Okay? Sue me for this. Cancel me if you want to, for talking bad about people. I'm not trying to go down there and get shot.

[B]

I agree. I will.

[A]

I will drop them off a food out the window or give them some cash. I'm not even doing that, taking them.

[B]

I'm not two blocks down the road and yelling, hey, if y' all want some food, you come down here. That's so bad.

[A]

No, it ain't in a bad way. But genuinely, y', all, if y' all seen some of the people that are down there, like, did you. They literally look like they are trying to kill you.

[B]

They are, Riley. They want you. They want your food and your money. And the only way to get it from Me is to kill me, because I'm not giving them food or my money.

[A]

I'll give them some food and some money, but I don't want to be shot.

[B]

I don't. I have bad experiences with homeless people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Every time I try to give them food, they. They don't even take it. So, like, you can't be too hungry.

[A]

That's very true.

[B]

It is. Anyways, I don't care. Let's talk about something else. And this is literally, like, I'm walking out of this. Out of my apartment complex tomorrow with a hazmat suit on because apparently there's been a bunch of mosquitoes in north Nashville.

[A]

How the fuck is a mosquito with standing this heat?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Those damn things are genetically modified from hell.

[B]

That's where they came from. That's why they're able to survive.

[A]

You know that damn thing that is purple. And whenever it gets to them, they go and it kills them. Well, that's what the environment is right now.

[B]

Yeah, well, it's. Somehow they've contracted the West Nile.

[A]

Oh, I saw that.

[B]

And the West Nile is here in Nashville, which means I shouldn't even be out of my apartment complex right now, which means we might not be going to Whole Foods and I'm not leaving for a year.

[A]

Yeah, Whole Foods has a garage underneath it.

[B]

Oh, so mosquitoes can't get in a garage?

[A]

Well, it's the daytime. They don't come out during the day, do they?

[B]

I'm pretty sure them little come out any time of the day. Let's talk about you. Maintenance came to your. Or not maintenance. The window cleaners came.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

Now, listen, let me lay the bricks. The window cleaners on our apartment. Our apartment's big skyscraper building, so they gotta, like, bungee to the roof and climb up the side of the thing and scrub. Well, they make it to Riley's apartment and finish the story.

[A]

They make it to my apartment, and I see them out there taking a picture, and I'm like, what are they taking a picture of? But almost at the end, they couldn't see me. My blinds were down.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

At the end. So I was like, are they taking a picture of me or my neighbor or maybe the people under me? They're taking a picture of my window seal. The apartment manager comes, knocks on my door. I know where.

[B]

She's one of our friends. Wonderful.

[A]

So.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

And she knocks on my door. She says, hey, do you mind if I come in? I just want to look at something on Your window? I said, yeah, come on in. There is ground beef that is hotter than hell. I mean, it is past. Well done. That is charcoal stuck to my windowsill. I was wondering what it was out

[B]

there, and you were bitching about the. The dripping.

[A]

I've been bitching for a couple days because there's, like, streaks on my window, and you only see them. It's not grease. The was raw. You can only see them whenever it's dark out. Like, whenever there's a shadow. Like, if I just look out, you can't see it. And I'm like, what the hell is that?

[B]

So somebody above you has been throwing out shit. They're throwing shit out their window?

[A]

Our windows open this much.

[B]

That's. That would make sense, though, because they can only get it that close, and it stays close to the building, and it falls on your window. So. So the people above you are throwing their shit out through the window.

[A]

Like what?

[B]

Like throwing the trash.

[A]

You have a trash chute on every floor. Walk that you lazy.

[B]

We've said the F word a lot in this episode.

[A]

Well, people have pissed me off. That's what happens when I get that hot. I get. I get. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, me too.

[A]

I got some white tennis shoes.

[B]

Where'd you get them?

[A]

I got them at Dick's Sporting Goods.

[B]

Keeps emailing me for a brand deal.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've got, like, seven emails the past three days.

[A]

Have you answered?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, well.

[B]

But I'm out.

[A]

Did you see where the two damn people climbed the Empire State Building yesterday?

[B]

Dumber in hell.

[A]

One of the hottest days of the year. They're going to climb the Empire State Building and to propose.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

How does it make y' all feel that someone proposed to their wife on the Empire State.

[B]

You know what's coming after this?

[A]

You can't even get a text back.

[B]

Let me tell you something. If Madison Humphrey can pull off this one. Oh, shit. If Madison Hunt freaking pull this one off, I'll give her.

[A]

Make her the queen.

[B]

I'll give her a million dollars.

[A]

I bet she's called the Empire State Building.

[B]

They should have called her. They should have.

[A]

I'm gonna text her later and be like, what are you trying to do

[B]

if you can pull this one off?

[A]

My biggest flex is that she commented on one of my videos. She's followed me for a long time that she commented on one of my videos and asked me when I was gonna get a reality TV show.

[B]

I'm telling you, she's one of my. I was like, only if she'll be

[A]

in it, says the Queen.

[B]

But yeah, crazy as hell people doing shit like that. You know what else is crazy as hell? The woman that's rowing across the damn ocean right now.

[A]

Okay, I will say it's kind of. Well, by the time this episode goes out, we're recording this episode a week the Thursday before. By the time the second episode goes out, she's already going to be there. She's supposed to be there tomorrow night at 11 o'.

[B]

Clock. If a damn tsunami don't get her ass or a fucking shark eat her boat.

[A]

Landon. She set out from California to go. Her name's Kelsey row. Kelsey is her Tik tok handle. You row Kelsey row, row, row your boat. She's doing it for some kind of whale foundation or some shit.

[B]

Ain't no well in that important to me.

[A]

I agree with that. But she set out to do it to beat the woman's record. She has been doing this for 43 days and she's going to beat the men's record by eight days.

[B]

What is she eating?

[A]

She only eats. She only sleeps like two to four hours a night. And she rose all day.

[B]

Well, she had an OR ring that.

[A]

Those damn them calves. She's going to get off and she's going to step on the sidewalk. The is going to bust.

[B]

I mean that sidewalk is going to crumble. What in the hell do people think? You couldn't pay me a billion dollars to do that. No, not even a billion.

[A]

She's been eating MREs. I watched her yesterday on Tik Tok making something. She made freeze dried lasagna and she

[B]

ate it like it was crunchy or she put water.

[A]

No, she put hot water on it made like freeze dried lasagna soup. I would eat a crystal off of a.

[B]

If I was in the ocean, I'd cast my net and make me a fire and fry me a damn red snapper. You going.

[A]

You gonna make a fire on a boat the size of a.

[B]

No, but she ain't got no electricity on there.

[A]

I don't know because she had her water. She has a gas thing.

[B]

Oh, well then you can fry damn red snapper.

[A]

But I want to know. I guess she's using solar energy. How the is she charging her phone? It's got to be solar powered. She has to have solar powers.

[B]

Like solar power? Yeah, probably before too long. This is my billion dollar invention. They need to put a solar battery in this thing right here.

[A]

Yeah. And so before y' all go out and steal that damn idea, you heard it here.

[B]

First. Somebody's already thought about that for sure. I'm on the phone. Is that okay? Oh, you're on the phone, too. I just opened a snap from somebody.

[A]

I'm sorry, guys. We are very. We need to.

[B]

By the way, I have to shout out one of my friends, Kate Meyer. She's wonderful. Love her. She went to the beach with me. Love her so bad. It's awful. Okay, just need to do that.

[A]

I'm gonna shout out Caitlyn.

[B]

Caitlyn. Love, Caitlyn.

[A]

Hello, Caitlin.

[B]

She texted me this morning and I can't say what she said, but she did text me.

[A]

What'd you say?

[B]

I can't tell you on here.

[A]

Oh, must be juicy.

[B]

And it's not juicy. It's just Caitlyn.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

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[B]

Riley, how's your dog doing? I know that was so off topic, but how's your dog doing?

[A]

I can't believe he asked that question. He hates animals.

[B]

I like one animal. One in one alone.

[A]

I know you do.

[B]

And it's my Yorkie, Gus.

[A]

Oh, that's not the one I was. And one more, but yeah, that's what I was thinking. Ah, he's doing good. He literally is the apartment favorite. Everyone loves him in the elevator. Yeah, I. Every single time something goes happens at the door. He like, he's gotten to where he thinks someone's trying to break into the apartment and he wants to eat him because that did happen one time.

[B]

Somebody broke into your apartment?

[A]

Well, someone tried knocking and they were shaking.

[B]

On my door.

[A]

You have a 2am hell is the damn sky blue? You.

[B]

You.

[A]

Let me tell you something. You cross the line into my. The. The bitch where I pay the rent. And you gonna be leaving with a

[B]

cap in your ass.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

With a Glock.

[B]

We always talk about this. I feel like. But people are like, everybody knows what floor you live on. Land. And you know what floor you live on. Or, like, why would you tell people where you live? I genuinely do not care if people know where I live. I don't care. Like, my address is out there. I do not give a shit. Because if you come in my house uninvited, I'm going to protect my property, period. And myself. Like, it's your dog, though.

[A]

But he's doing good.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, he. He's thriving.

[B]

Yeah. Got any fun stuff coming up?

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

Or you're gonna have to send him home with the babysitter.

[A]

I mean, are we leaving to go out of town anyhow?

[B]

No. We have Leanne Morgan on the 25th of July.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. I can't wait for that.

[B]

Montgomery, Alabama.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I'm so excited I could shout.

[A]

We need to book a hotel.

[B]

Yeah, we do.

[A]

Because if we don't, we're literally not going to get one. We need to do that whenever we leave here.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

No, actually, I don't.

[B]

I think you're dumb.

[A]

You know, you don't like any dogs, but your mama and papa's dog, Coco.

[B]

Uhhuh.

[A]

That Damn dog is £800.

[B]

Well, yeah, it eats a steak.

[A]

I mean, y', all, this is the biggest chocolate lab I have ever seen in my life. You know them Tootsie Rolls that are wide instead of skinny and they're about this big? That's what that bitch looks like. Her back is wider than mine.

[B]

Coco eats a rib eye when my mama eats a ribeye.

[A]

If your grandma's dog is not fat, she didn't love it enough.

[B]

That is absolutely. If your dog's not a little overweight,

[A]

if you don't have a fat dog in your family, don't ever talk to me.

[B]

Is that animal abuse?

[A]

Hell, no.

[B]

No. Cause if you were an animal, you'd want.

[A]

I'd probably be a little bit of diabetic dog in this world.

[B]

No, there ain't. There ain't.

[A]

Fuck you, PETA. Cause I know you probably just shit your pants when I said that. What?

[B]

Who is PETA?

[A]

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

[B]

Well, I tell you what. My dog. I pet the shit out of my dog. And I tell you what, it don't look like Lita beat a boda butt.

[A]

Bitch. Leeta beat a boda butt. It's 900 years old. That's a fossil that was on the ark with Moses.

[B]

It was.

[A]

Or Noah.

[B]

That was the first dark.

[A]

No, literally.

[B]

And yes, it's not Moses. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I got that song stuck in my head.

[A]

Stands for the.

[B]

The Fourth man in the Fire for

[A]

the Ethical Treatment of Animals. My dad told me one time that it stood for People Eating Tasty Animals. Oh. And I like the latter. Yeah. Because I don't think about PETA whenever I'm eating a ribeye.

[B]

I don't either. That's what I'm cooking tonight. I had a New York strip last night.

[A]

You had a ribeye last night?

[B]

No, I had a New York strip.

[A]

That New York strip was 15,000 fucking ounces in. Because that bitch was huge.

[B]

It came from good ranchers.

[A]

The New York strips we got from good ranchers are bone in.

[B]

That's what it was.

[A]

That bitch did not have a bone in it.

[B]

We're gonna go home and dig it through my trash can.

[A]

Well, we'd have to dig it out of your toilet because you ate it.

[B]

No, I didn't eat the bone.

[A]

Did you chew on it?

[B]

No.

[A]

Then I don't trust you. Don't ever talk.

[B]

Chew on it like a.

[A]

If you don't, I mean, I want your stomach.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I ate the steak off the bone, picked it up and ate it off.

[A]

Well, next time you have bones and let me know, because I give nausea.

[B]

I thought of that. I really did like it across my head. And then I thought to myself, he's not gonna want to come up here and get it, and I damn sure ain't coming down there to give it to him. Yeah, but no, it was a bone in New York strip, but in the future, and I can't wait to prove you wrong.

[A]

Well, if I don't give a. So why are you arguing?

[B]

I know what the hell I ate.

[A]

I don't give a damn if it was a porterhouse.

[B]

Ribeye.

[A]

O, that's your favorite cut of steak?

[B]

A ribeye.

[A]

Mine's a porterhouse.

[B]

I like a porterhouse that's half New York strip, half filet mignon with bone in the middle that you can gnaw on like a dog. It's good, but I like a ribeye because the fat's where the flavor's at. And the fat on a ribeye is very soft.

[A]

Yes, fat is where the flavor's at. If anybody gets a hold of my ass, they're going to eat me alive.

[B]

Riley, shut up. Damn. Oh, I'm getting Very fed the fuck up.

[A]

Would you like to share with the glass?

[B]

No.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

I'll share with you later. What is this?

[A]

I love to get inside information with all my friends. It's a. It's a blessing.

[B]

Kate snapped. My true friend.

[A]

If there's one thing you should y'

[B]

all add us on Snapchat.

[A]

If there's one thing you should know. If, like, one of my friends does me dirty and I tell Landon, Landon, don't like him anymore. And if one of Landon's friends does him dirty and he tells me, I don't like them anymore either, but I will be so fake to your face. I will make you think that I, you are my best friend and that I would kiss you on the mouth.

[B]

I think it's a. If it's a repeat offense. I mean, some of your friends. I literally hated a couple of your friends in high school with a passion.

[A]

You hung out with them.

[B]

I had to.

[A]

You didn't hate all of them, Riley.

[B]

Two of them. I did indeed.

[A]

Well, hush. I'll tell you one thing I do hate this. Bought a pair of flip flops.

[B]

I did buy a pair of flip flops.

[A]

Pantomi.

[B]

They're actually not bad.

[A]

Landon. I don't care. Because whenever you wear. This is my problem with a flip flop. If somebody was chasing you, I'd take

[B]

them off and run.

[A]

And you're running down a hill.

[B]

I'd take them off and I'd run.

[A]

It's like walking on a fucking slipping stick.

[B]

I would take them off and I would run.

[A]

So then you're barefoot.

[B]

Yeah. Hell yeah.

[A]

What if you're having to run across rocks?

[B]

Then I'm running. But if someone's chasing me, my adrenaline's gonna be going so good, I don't give a damn what I'm wearing. I'm getting the hell out of it.

[A]

Well, I'll tell you what. I can run a lot faster when I have a fucking heel.

[B]

Well, I'm sorry. Damn hocus all damn day.

[A]

I don't wear hocus all damn day. I just know that these comments are going to be like, damn, Riley's showing some lag. That's what the comments were last week. You're welcome.

[B]

I like my flip flops. I on them for a long time and now I'm. And now I like them.

[A]

That's disgusting.

[B]

I guarantee within I will never wear a flip flop.

[A]

Guarantee me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I wouldn't if I were you either, cuz you got ugly feet.

[A]

Whatever you want to say about my feet is Fine. And listen, I know enough about him to know that I ain't wearing a

[B]

flip flop and you've got a toenail that's half grown. Cuz your doctor messed you up.

[A]

He did. I was on botched. Yeah, I did to the podiatrist in Rome that cut out my ingrown toenail one time. And I said, you. That's not going to work. He said, I've done thousands of of these. Guess what? The grew back up.

[B]

You know you've got athletes feet.

[A]

No, the. I don't. No, I don't. Don't. Don't start that damn rumor because be clipping every single ounce of this podcast and that will go viral. I do not have athletes feet. I'm not even a athlete. And I know you don't got to be to get it, but I don't. I ain't got nothing to do with it.

[B]

Called that. I don't even know what that is.

[A]

Athlete's feet. It's like fungus.

[B]

Oh, I hate that word.

[A]

Fun guy.

[B]

You want to get a bloodline brain?

[A]

Damn. I just got baptized over here.

[B]

You want to get into. You need to be baptized again.

[A]

So do you. No, I got baptized. Since you did last.

[B]

I got baptized once. That's all I needed.

[A]

I did, too, but I got baptized. Well, I got baptized late two years ago.

[B]

You got two years ago? Yes, two years ago.

[A]

I was a late bloomer.

[B]

Bloodline brain check.

[A]

Pull up some questions.

[B]

I already got all my questions I want to ask.

[A]

We'll start then. No, you go ahead, because you ain't got.

[B]

I do.

[A]

And in a minute you're gonna say, throw me your phone.

[B]

They're on the top of my head. Come on, now.

[A]

My phone's on 19.

[B]

My phone's on 18. It ain't far off.

[A]

Do you know where liars go?

[B]

20. It's on 20. Hell, it's on 20. Well, then I'll save you a seat. Gosh.

[A]

Okay, what state is directly west of Louisiana?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

You don't know your basic geography?

[B]

I mean, I know northeast, Southwest, so it has to be that side of Louisiana, but Texas? Yeah. Okay. Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What ocean is on the west coast?

[B]

Damn. Where is on the west today? The Pacific.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, what continent is Egyptian?

[B]

Europe. Egypt.

[A]

Egypt.

[B]

That's where they ride camels.

[A]

Think about the climate in Egypt, Landon.

[B]

A desert?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I don't know. What continent's a desert?

[A]

Are you stupid?

[B]

Yeah. Apparently we're in a desert right now. I could say North America.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because it's so damn hot outside.

[A]

What continent is a desert?

[B]

Africa.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's all you had to do.

[B]

Oh, we got shit on last time because we said Shakira was from Africa. She's from Columbia.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Before we continue, I got shit on the other day because there was a guy and I stitched his video and he was running backwards down the Red Rock Amphitheater. And I said, skinny bitches pissed me off. And people are like. All these gym bros are in the comments taking shots of their creatine and drinking their fucking protein. Shakespeare. And they're saying, bruh, he's not skinny. He's built. When you've been 322 pounds, anybody that's not fat is skinny. You don't care.

[B]

I don't care. People catch strays, okay?

[A]

Fat people catch strays, too. But it starts whenever all these muscle people are like, I'm not skinny. I'm not. I'm not saying that as an insult to your masculinity, okay? I'm saying that you ain't fat. Anything that's not fat to me is skinny because I used to be fatter than. And I'm still fat. Just not even.

[B]

You're getting skinny.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Anyways, that was just a little tangent.

[A]

Yeah, just a little ramp. What say has the largest population?

[B]

What state?

[A]

Yes,

[B]

You've asked me this before. California.

[A]

When will America experience its first semi quincentennial?

[B]

I don't even know what a semi quincentennial is, but I'm gonna say October 38th. No, Halloween. October 31st.

[A]

Semi quincentennial is the America's 250th birthday.

[B]

Oh, okay. Right now then. It's America Week. Why would you ask me that?

[A]

Who was president before Obama?

[B]

Bush.

[A]

Yeah. Which one?

[B]

Baby Bush.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What planet?

[B]

And his dad. I'm a conspiracy theorist on that one.

[A]

No, it was. It was him.

[B]

Baby Bush. Oh, yeah. That was nine. Eleven.

[A]

Yeah. The planet. What planet's closest to the sun?

[B]

Mercury.

[A]

What do humans. What gas do humans breathe in?

[B]

Oxygen.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Aren't you just.

[B]

I am. You're asking me very simple questions today.

[A]

What is 1212, 144. Yeah, it's tomato. A fruit or a vegetable?

[B]

It's a damn tomato, and I don't want it. Only kind of tomato I'm eating is Roel and my chili and a fried green tomato. You and a fry. I love a fried green tomato, but I'm going to start liking tomatoes. I'm going to go to the farmers market. I'm going to try harder.

[A]

Can you see the Great Wall of China from space with the naked eye?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

What's the freezing point of water in Fahrenheit?

[B]

32 degrees.

[A]

How many feet are in a mile?

[B]

How many feet are in a mile? Over a thousand.

[A]

Oh, yeah? I would say so.

[B]

5280.

[A]

280.

[B]

5000.

[A]

280. 5000.

[B]

280. I thought I said 280,000. I was like, babe, that'll get you from here to California.

[A]

Okay, go ahead.

[B]

I don't got any.

[A]

What did I just say? Ladies and gentlemen, throwing your phone. It's almost like I know him too far.

[B]

It's almost like I don't care.

[A]

Ask it for more.

[B]

Damn. You're. What's the smallest US state?

[A]

Red Island.

[B]

Why is it giving me. What is the longest river in the United States?

[A]

The Missouri.

[B]

Yeah, you asked me that last week and I said the Nile River. I know, okay. They're just. Oh. What is the largest animal to ever exist?

[A]

Megalodon.

[B]

No, that's not even how you say that.

[A]

The megalogadon.

[B]

There you go. What is the largest animal to ever exist?

[A]

I'd have no clue.

[B]

Same family? Kinda.

[A]

I know it, but I don't remember

[B]

the name of it.

[A]

I have seen it before.

[B]

The skies. What color?

[A]

Blue.

[B]

And what lives in the ocean?

[A]

The blue whale.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, I thought it would be like a dinosaur. Which bird cannot fly?

[A]

An ostrich.

[B]

Yeah, chickens can't either. They can just float a little for about a minute.

[A]

They just jump real high and fly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, they just jump and get up.

[B]

Them bitches can't fly. What animal has fingerprints nearly identical to us?

[A]

The koala.

[B]

Yeah. Well, why are they giving me the same ones?

[A]

Well, why don't you say, give me more.

[B]

What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

[A]

A strawberry.

[B]

You like a strawberry?

[A]

I love a strawberry. I had a whole container yesterday.

[B]

I don't even know this word, but I'm going to try to pronounce it. What nut is actually a legume? Legume. L, E, G, U, M, E. What is that? What is that word? A legem. What nut?

[A]

Actually a. I don't know. A walnut?

[B]

No, a peanut.

[A]

I almost said that.

[B]

What is What. What is a legit.

[A]

No idea.

[B]

This is dumber than hell. What I can't. Is white chocolate. Technically, chocolate.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No.

[A]

What the fuck is it?

[B]

It contains cocoa butter. Not cocoa solids.

[A]

Who gives a motherfuck? Cocoa, asshole. Why did I do.

[B]

How many colors are on a standard Rubik's Cube 6. Yeah. How did you know that?

[A]

I just guessed.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're good at guessing today. How many cards are in a standard deck?

[A]

Well, you've asked me this. 52.

[B]

What color is the wizard of Oz's Yellow Brick Road?

[A]

Yellow?

[B]

No.

[A]

Why the fuck is it called the Yellow Brick Road?

[B]

It's yellow.

[A]

Oh, I was about to say. The hell? Somebody needs to be fired.

[B]

Oh my gosh. Okay. These are not like it says, it's ketchup. A smoothie.

[A]

Do you think it is? I mean, if you think about it.

[B]

I think if you think about it, tomato is a fruit and you're blending it up.

[A]

If you think about it, yes, it is. It's a hot dog sandwich.

[B]

No, it's a hot fucking hot dog. Just like ketchup's ketchup.

[A]

You know what I love? I don't really care.

[B]

People duck my yum eating ketchup in front of me.

[A]

I don't really like ketchup either.

[B]

I don't want it at all.

[A]

If you put it on my hamburger, I will send that shit back to the kitchen.

[B]

I think I want on my hamburger.

[A]

I'll do my french fries in it.

[B]

I.

[A]

Do you like mustard?

[B]

Hell no. I will say this. Mustard on certain things. Like mustard on a Dorito. I'm not going to lie. The I'm not going to lie. Try it when you get home. Out. But you'll. You can try it. Does Whole Foods have Doritos? I doubt it, cuz I'm craving a Dorito now. And I'm going to Whole Foods after this.

[A]

So I'll eat mustard on a baloney sandwich or on a sausage biscuit.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

You know, I don't like a hot dog, but I love a cheddar brat.

[B]

A jalapeno cheddar brat.

[A]

Johnsonville.

[B]

Johnsonville, Tennessee.

[A]

I guess that's the brand. Oh, that I buy.

[B]

If you dig a hole through the earth and jump in, where would you end up?

[A]

Hell,

[B]

It said you'd fall toward the center on that shit. Which is hell yeah. Right.

[A]

I think it's under.

[B]

That's all the bloodline brain check I have for you. Those were kind of done. Those weren't good. We'll have to get chat to do better.

[A]

Or maybe if you had better ones in your head that have been better.

[B]

Okay. What color makes black? What colors mixed together make black? You stumbled. Come on now. What colors?

[A]

Brown and yellow? I don't know.

[B]

I love them.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Oh, gosh. Anyways, you want to get into Cousin count?

[A]

This has been just a fun little.

[B]

I'm about half dead and I'm hungry.

[A]

I'm ready to go to Whole Foods. I love the Whole Foods. I have an addiction.

[B]

But we're not going in there and staying for an hour. We're going in there staying for 10 minutes. I only got to get three things.

[A]

What are you gonna get?

[B]

Lettuce? A steak and eggs.

[A]

Okay, that's not okay.

[B]

And cottage cheese, because I'm out.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

How was I gonna make taco cottage cheese balls if I'm out of cottage cheese?

[A]

Well, I didn't have the idea you did.

[B]

Or lettuce. I'm dumb anyways. Okay, well, cousin.

[A]

Cousin council. All right, everybody, welcome back to Cousin Council. Today's Cousin Council is brought to you by Morgan.

[B]

And because we're just outstanding judges and they love us so much, and. And we give the best advice and best commentary.

[A]

We have been so good on the bench.

[B]

Yeah, we have. And this is a paid advertisement. Thank you, Morgan and Morgan.

[A]

Okay. Hello, Landon and Riley. I had to tell you guys this story that might be embarrassing. A few years ago, my best friend and I went to a Gavin Adcock concert for my birthday at this venue. There were inside bathrooms and also outside porta potties in the smoking area. We didn't want to wait in the long line at a port. A potty never killed anyone. Well, it never helped anyone either.

[B]

I didn't.

[A]

About two seconds in, she shuts the door and I hear her say, oh, my gosh, bro, I just dropped my phone.

[B]

So she dropped her phone in the porta potty in the Port of John.

[A]

Yeah. Immediately, I think she's lying. And lo and behold, her phone is down there lighting up, as I'm calling it. So we beg a few rough looking guys to fish it out. And they all gagged and said, heck no. As they should. We actually offered them $200. I wouldn't have done it for $2,000.

[B]

No.

[A]

So I finished my beer, pulled up my hair, and went searching for my best friend's phone, elbow deep in a porta Potty. Just an FYI, those things are like a gate to Narnia. I couldn't even touch the bottom. Thank God they weren't overly used. But we didn't find her phone worry. I washed my hand and my arm and I bleached them and bleached them again. And I'll do anything for my friends. Anyways, love you guys. Mercedes from Kentucky. Well, let me just tell you something.

[B]

I would have had to cut my arm off, Kentucky. And I would have never done it to begin with. That would have been a liability to my soul, my spirit and my mental well being.

[A]

I hope he went home after that because surely you didn't touch anybody after that. I just want you to know that if. If you ever drop your phone in the Porta Potty, I'll drive you to AT&T. But I'm not.

[B]

That's as far as I think that I'm going to drop my phone in the Port of John. And if I did, it'd be down there. I wouldn't. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

[A]

I'm sending this to Gavin.

[B]

I just know that blue liquid in there was.

[A]

People will go into Porta Potty, peep at the floor. They don't care.

[B]

No, they don't care.

[A]

I'm sending that to Gavin Adcock's girlfriend whenever we get down to let her know what her boyfriend.

[B]

I'm just.

[A]

That case is dismissed.

[B]

Dismissed, actually.

[A]

Throw them out without parole.

[B]

Without parole.

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

Oh, I have one. Yeah. Let's see here. For the past year, I've worked at a family business where everyone feels like family, even though I'm not actually related to them. Somewhere between graduating high school, working together and seeing each other almost every week, I realize I've fallen for my co worker. That is a conflict of interest. Anyways. Nepotism who just happens to be my boss's nephew. Double nepotism. To make things more complicated, his aunt and uncle. My bosses have been trying to set us up for what feels like forever. I think he might have feelings for me too, but I just can't tell if I'm picking up on real signs or just wishful thinking. I care about him deeply, but I'm terrified of saying something would make it awkward. I don't want to lose the friendship. Do I take the risk and tell them how I feel or stay quiet and wonder what could have been. Better late, better now than never.

[A]

Tell them. Tell them. Just tell them.

[B]

Tell them.

[A]

But don't expect anything out of it. Don't get.

[B]

Just tell them.

[A]

I would tell them.

[B]

What would you do? Have you ever liked a co worker?

[A]

Well, not a co worker because the only real job I ever had, my co workers were all 50 year old women.

[B]

Okay. I think it would be a liability if she didn't.

[A]

Don't fall for a co worker. Don't fall for a friend. Don't. Don't fall for.

[B]

I disagree. You should date your Best friend. You should date your best friend.

[A]

No, you shouldn't.

[B]

You shouldn't.

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I firmly think that you should never catch feelings for a friend or date one ever.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Ever.

[B]

Case adjourned. Well, so she shouldn't do that. She shouldn't ask him.

[A]

Well, I mean, I don't know. What. I don't know, because that could go.

[B]

I don't know how, but Morgan and Morgan could probably help you. Honestly, they're for the people they. Yeah, I have one more. It's very short. They didn't send no names, no nothing. I have found out my roommate has been using my toothbrush.

[A]

Call Morgan and Morgan for the people. They will help you. The world's largest. The country's.

[B]

I'm a little. I'm a little disgusted because I think she has been eating Oreos and, like, not, like, rinsing the toothbrush off. Good. Could you imagine? What if it's not Oreos?

[A]

What if it's Morgan and Morgan and sue her. Sue her for a personal injury.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They have attorneys, over a thousand attorneys, and in the District of Columbia. They will help you. They will fight hard for a settlement for you. Go to forthepeople.com banter. That's all I've got to say to you and the roommate. If you're listening to this, I hope you do get sued. I hope Morgan. Morgan brings the. What is that thing of justice, The. The scales of justice down on your bathroom counter.

[B]

What would you do? Actually, Riley, if somebody was.

[A]

I can't say it because it would get us flagged for community guidelines.

[B]

That. That there's, like, two things. You don't use deodorant.

[A]

And it would include a foot where the sun don't shine up the rear. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Anyways, well, thank you for tuning in to Cousin Council. If you have any submissions, questions, comments, concerns, need advice, for anything, you just email teamloodlinebanterofficial.com make sure you subscribe to the YouTube. Follow us on Apple, Spotify, Instagram, Facebook, wherever in the world.

[A]

World. Anywhere you get your podcast and.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I guess we're.

[A]

We are going to go to Whole Foods.

[B]

Yes, we are. We're joining the court.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right, see you guys next Thursday.

[B]

Bye. Bye now. Love you.

[A]

Bye.