Some Things You Don’t Buy Used

Summary

Bloodline Banter: "Some Things You Don’t Buy Used"

Podcast: Bloodline Banter
Hosts: Riley and Landon
Release: June 25, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this engaging and hilariously candid episode, Riley and Landon dive into the world of things you should never buy used—anchored by a jaw-dropping Facebook Marketplace story about a “gently used” pelvic wand massager. The duo range widely across Southern culture, public versus private schooling, weird Facebook finds, personal hygiene habits, odd jobs, and life advice during their recurring "Cousin Council" advice segment. The episode is full of lighthearted roasting, personal anecdotes, and their trademark Southern charm.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Sleep Scores & Oura Rings (00:00–01:32)

• Opening Banter: Riley and Landon discuss their nightly sleep and readiness scores, comparing notes on self-improvement and gadgets.
• Placebo Power: Landon admits, "Whenever I see my readiness score, that's 86, I'm like, okay, well, I can have a good day now." (01:06)
• Sponsor Manifestation: They joke about giving free advertisement to Oura Ring: "We're really talking a lot about Oura ring for someone who don't sponsor the podcast, but eventually—we're putting it out there." (01:15)

Hospital Visits & Southern Childhood (01:32–05:14)

• Both hosts share they've never been admitted to the hospital and swap stories from childhood ER visits and injuries.
• Riley reminisces about Landon's iconic double mohawk (pink and green) on the last day of school: "You got out earlier than the other kids—blessing in disguise." (04:43)
• Discussion about public school quirks, humble upbringings, and “double-wide pride” in Southern communities.

Public vs. Private School and Cultural Nuances (05:15–07:42)

• Comparison between public and private school kids, landing on pride in their public school roots:
  "If you haven't ever known someone that lived in a double wide. I don't want to talk to you." – Riley (06:30)
• The double-wide as a symbol of community and resourcefulness in the South.

Tales from Facebook Marketplace (07:42–14:59)

• Memory of antics in Lowe’s (using the store intercom, running out before getting escorted).
• Facebook Marketplace Bombshell (13:47–16:41):
  Riley details a listing from a Chattanooga yard sale group of a “gently used pelvic wand massager.”
  • "Y'all buying secondhand pussy massagers? We’re gonna have to have a talk." – Riley (14:59)
  • Landon's reaction: “Ajax, you are gonna get chlamydogonorrhea.” (15:00)
  • Both express disgust about buying secondhand intimate items: “I don’t even drink out of a straw with people. Could you imagine buying a secondhand sex toy? That has to be against the law.” – Riley (15:08)

Apple Products & Modern Inconveniences (10:25–13:39)

• Rant about Apple not including charging blocks with new phones.
• Complaints about phone store upselling and staying on parents’ plans for as long as possible.
• "I text my mom the other day. I've been nervous to upgrade my phone because I don't want to get kicked off my mom's plan." – Landon (12:32)

Dentists, Childhood Trauma & Teeth Tips (18:07–22:18)

• Riley’s dentist trauma: "When I was a kid ... they had a straight jacket in the corner. ... She pointed at it and said ... 'there’s no cows or pigs in here.'" (19:11)
• Landon shares positive experiences at the dentist, silver caps as a child.
• Both promote using mouth guards for teeth grinding, including a sponsored (Remy) segment: "You can protect your teeth with Remy by using code banter for 50% off." (21:32)

Would You Rather? Veganism, Food Talk & Southern Food Philosophy (22:36–27:04)

• Would you rather be vegan for one year or never eat steak again?
  Landon: “You’d have to chain me to a pole and feed me ice chips.”
• Discussion on vegan and vegetarian lifestyles, protein sources, and Biblical takes on meat eating.

Noah’s Ark, Mosquitoes, & God’s Plan (26:34–29:26)

• Musings on which animals made it onto Noah’s Ark:
  “If you haven’t ever known someone that lived in a Double wide, I don't want to talk to you.” – Riley (06:30)
• Outrage at mosquitoes and horse flies: “There’s no way they were on the ark.” (28:32)
• Speculation that mosquitoes and wasps are "created in a lab" and jokes about conspiracy theories.

Apartment Life, Laundry, and Daily Struggles (29:30–31:19)

• Riley and Landon commiserate about laundry, noisy dryers, apartment inspections, and sleeping issues caused by highway traffic.

Food Tangents: Sushi, Ellen, and Colostrum (31:20–34:33)

• Landon declares love for sushi: "I could eat the whole damn cast of Finding Nemo and Finding Dory." (31:14)
• Banter about Ellen DeGeneres, milk, and “cowboy colostrum” as a coffee/overnight oats boost (sponsored mention, see code above).

Whole Foods & Chunky Peanut Butter Debate (34:06–35:39)

• Peanut butter preferences: “I don’t want no damn crouton in my peanut butter.” – Landon (35:05)
• Flip-flops vs. peanut butter chunkiness sparks mock conflict: “That is a cardinal sin.” – Landon (35:34); “Well, you didn’t die on the cross for mine.” – Riley (35:39)

Church Attire, Southern Upbringing, and Big-Boned (36:01–38:18)

• Changing church norms: “The Lord said, come as you are. Come as thou shalt be blessed.” (36:28)
• The Southern code for being “big boned”: "That's code word for he's fat as shit." – Riley (37:41)
• Riley celebrates recent weight loss and lifestyle changes.

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Segments

Bloodline Brain Check (40:08–50:54)

A “spin off” of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?—the hosts quiz each other on general knowledge.

Notable Moments:

• Riley tries to stump Landon with questions like states starting with “P”, largest US state, etc.
• Classic flubs: “The Nile River” as longest US river (41:21); “Hexa means ten”—nope, “Hexagon” is six (43:35)
• “How many sides does a hexagon have?” “Hexa means ten.” “No, that's gone, man.” (43:34)
• Rapid-fire questions: “What is a baby goat called?” “A kid.” “Yes, Riley, we grew up on a farm.” (47:16)
• Riley crushes the round: “I'm not smarter than a fifth grader. Bitch. I'm a sixth grader.” (48:37)
• Curious science: “What animal both lays eggs and produces milk?” Answer: Platypus. (50:04)

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Cousin Council (51:05–58:50)

Riley and Landon give advice to listeners on relationship and life dilemmas—ranging from infidelity to proposals.

Key Cases:

1. Fiancé caught paying for inappropriate photos (51:23–53:14)
   • Riley: “If you have to pay for the – perhaps you should hit the gym or do something to better yourself.” (52:28)
   • Landon suggests public shaming via podcast and social media.
2. Husband won’t stop following OnlyFans models on Instagram (54:17–55:15)
   • “You don’t ask him. You tell him.” – Landon (54:50)
   • Madea-inspired revenge: “You heat up a pan of hot grits and you, when they're boiling, you throw them on his face.” (55:25)
3. FOMO about engagement (57:14–58:50)
   • Riley: “Don’t rush into getting engaged; oftentimes that will lead to a divorce.”
   • Landon: “God’s timing’s always right.” (58:30)
   • Advice: Have an honest conversation, don’t compare your timing to others.

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Highlight Reel: Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On junk drawers: “If you do not have a junk drawer in your house, I don't trust you.” – Riley (10:07)
• On double-wides: "I grew up in a double wide, baby. Double wide. Proud." – Riley (06:40)
• On Facebook Marketplace: “Y’all are buying secondhand pussy massagers, we’re gonna have to have a talk.” – Riley (14:59)
• On public schooling: “If some of the kids in my school don't live in a trailer, I don't know that I want to go.” – Riley (06:23)
• On veganism: “You’d have to chain me to a pole and feed me ice chips.” – Landon (23:44)
• On animal purpose: “The Lord put the cow on the ark so I could have a flaming yawn.” – Riley (26:51)
• On laundry: “My dryer sounds like a fucking tornado has came through the apartment complex and destroyed it.” – Landon (29:57)
• On peanut butter: “I don’t want no damn crouton in my peanut butter.” – Landon (35:05)
• On Southern weight euphemisms: "That's code word for he's fat as shit." – Riley (37:41)
• On relationships: “God’s timing’s always right.” – Landon (58:30)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment / Discussion | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------------|---------------------| | Sleep & Readiness Scores | 00:00–01:32 | | Hospital/Childhood Stories | 01:32–05:14 | | Public vs. Private School, Double Wide Pride | 05:15–07:42 | | Facebook Marketplace Antics | 13:47–16:41 | | Apple Products Rant | 10:25–13:39 | | Dentist Experiences & Tooth Care | 18:07–22:18 | | Would You Rather / Food Talk | 22:36–27:04 | | Noah’s Ark & Mosquitoes | 26:34–29:26 | | Laundry/Life Tangents | 29:30–31:19 | | Food Preferences (Sushi, Colostrum, Peanut Butter) | 31:20–35:39 | | Bloodline Brain Check | 40:08–50:54 | | Cousin Council (Advice Segment) | 51:05–58:50 |

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Tone & Style

The hosts keep the episode light, irreverent, and authentically Southern. Their chemistry is based on friendly roasting, comic storytelling, and honest advice—with plenty of pop culture references and self-deprecation. If you crave unfiltered banter, real-life Southern tales, and relatable rants about modern life, this episode delivers.

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In Closing

Riley and Landon wrap up by encouraging listeners to subscribe, follow them on socials, and tease future vlogs. Throughout the episode, they blend hilarious life stories, unscripted back-and-forth, and genuine moments—making "Bloodline Banter" a must for fans of unfiltered, relatable humor rooted in Southern living.

Transcript

[A]

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to bloodline banter. I'm Riley.

[B]

And I'm Landon. So how'd you sleep last night?

[A]

The inaugural question, ladies and gentlemen. I slept pretty good. My sleep score is an 83.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Kind of pissed me off because I didn't get the crown, but whatever.

[B]

You were one point away, weren't you? Two points.

[A]

How'd you sleep?

[B]

Mine was a 77.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I feel rejuvenated this morning.

[A]

So I called Landon this morning because I checked a snap score before I called him just to make sure he was going to be in a good mood.

[B]

And he checked my snap score before you called me.

[A]

Sleep score.

[B]

Sleep score. You said snap.

[A]

Yeah. I'm out of it.

[B]

Do you ever check that yours?

[A]

I check everybody's snap score.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I have Snapchat plus, so it tells me whenever it goes up.

[B]

Yeah, that's good.

[A]

That's like, the first thing I do when somebody asks me back or I add somebody is I check their snap score because I don't care if I know you or not. You're not gonna ignore me.

[B]

Hell, no. No.

[A]

Anyways. But I slept good. I was kind of mad that I didn't get the crown, but, you know, beggars can't be.

[B]

My sleep score was 77, but my readiness was 86.

[A]

Mine was 85, I think.

[B]

So what does that mean?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Okay, it does. I think it's a little bit. It gives me a placebo effect. Whenever I see my readiness score, that's 86, I'm like, okay, well, I can have a good day now.

[A]

Whenever my aura ring tells me. We're really talking a lot about Oura ring for someone who don't sponsor the

[B]

podcast, but eventually we're putting it out there.

[A]

Whenever my oura ring tells me that it shows minor signs of strain. I don't care if I feel great that day. I'm suddenly sick. No.

[B]

Yes. You have to go to the hospital immediately.

[A]

I do?

[B]

Yeah. Speaking of the hospital, you ever been to the hospital before?

[A]

Well, hell, this just took a turn. I was just wondering, like, me being admitted.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, Lord willing, in the creek don't rise. No, I haven't.

[B]

I haven't either.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've never actually even been.

[A]

I've never had to knock on wood because I'm not trying to be there.

[B]

I've never been to the hospital. I've never been admitted to the hospital. I've been to the hospital for other people, but I've never been myself, ever.

[A]

Yeah, I'VE been for other people.

[B]

You know, that's lid right here. You didn't have to reach all the way over.

[A]

Well, yeah, whatever. Yeah, I have been like to triage.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I've never even been there. But I never say the notch.

[B]

Triage sounds like you just got bit by a zombie on the Walking Dead and you need a medical care immediately.

[A]

Landon, you are the vice president of hosta Future Health Professionals. And you don't know what triage means?

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

Triage is where they go in and they take your blood pressure and they take your weight.

[B]

That means you really ain't got nothing wrong with you.

[A]

Everybody goes through triage, London.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Before they put you in a room. Yeah, okay. You wanted to be a rheumatologist.

[B]

Rheumatologists don't.

[A]

Yeah. Everywhere has triage.

[B]

They don't have to deal with triage.

[A]

No, the nurses do.

[B]

But I would have been a nurse before I had to be a doctor.

[A]

I've been to, like, the ER whenever, like, I had to go, you don't have to be a nurse to be a doctor. But I had. I've been to the ER whenever, like I broke my leg. I went and got.

[B]

But speaking of your leg, you got something on there. Oh, what is that? I think it's like grease from the tire. Why'd you smell it?

[A]

Because I'm trying to figure out what it is. I don't know what it is anyways. But no, I've never had to stay the night in the hospital. Thank God.

[B]

Me either. You know, knock on wood. I've never had any crazy medical conditions. In the fifth grade, I will say I did get strep throat and it did not go away. And then I got pneumonia in both lungs and it didn't go away. And bronchitis and all that other shit.

[A]

You had a strep?

[B]

I had sharp ta. Ta. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And I remember that whenever I found out, I don't know why I remember this, but I was at the Sonic.

[B]

Which Sonic? The old Sonic or the new Sonic?

[A]

The old Sonic. Very fitting because you love that place.

[B]

Yeah. Anyways, and it was. It was a time, you know, I was on my deathbed, I was about to go out and they gave me some kind of shot. They were like, if the steroid shot that we give you don't work, then you're going to have to go to the hospital. My ass got quick. Got better quick.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

Same year, I also decided to shave my head. A double Mohawk. The Last day of school. You remember that?

[A]

Yeah. One side pink, one side green, like Cosmo and Wanda.

[B]

I've never watched Cosmo Wanda.

[A]

But yes, Fairly odd parents what it's called.

[B]

Yeah, I've never watched.

[A]

That's sad.

[B]

Anyways, yeah, I shaved it down the middle on both sides. Had two mohawks and they, you know, they had the audacity. It was the very last day of school. I was getting checked out. Anyways, they had the audacity to like call my mom and dad and say, you're gonna have to come and get him because he's a distraction to the students.

[A]

You know, that's a blessing in disguise because you got out earlier than the other kids.

[B]

I know, but I was getting out earlier anyways and it was the last day of school. Like, I'm sorry you can't handle a distraction on the last day of school. We're here. Water and plants.

[A]

Public school.

[B]

And. And playing on the playground for six hours.

[A]

Public school.

[B]

Not taking a damn.

[A]

We are public school warriors.

[B]

How do you feel about a public school?

[A]

In what regard?

[B]

Just like you. Did you like the public school system or would you. Do you wish you could have went private?

[A]

Well, I feel like a lot of private school kids wear a chip on their shoulder.

[B]

Yeah, they were hoity toity and not

[A]

like a lays like a kettle cook. Poly. Vous francais?

[B]

Bonjour.

[A]

Oui, oui, oui. But like, I don't know. I don't think part of me wants to send my children to public school if I ever have any. But I'm sorry. Private school.

[B]

Okay. You want them to be kettle cooked?

[A]

Yeah, because some of the lay's kids are just kind of degenerative. Yeah, I went to school with a lot of them.

[B]

Me too.

[A]

Do you think we were degenerative?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No.

[B]

No, we weren't. Anyways, anyways, I was just wondering if you like the public school that we went to or not.

[A]

I mean, yeah, I enjoyed it. I don't think there's anything wrong with a public school.

[B]

I will say this. I think the public school kids are a lot more socially normal. They're not like kind of awkward, they don't act well.

[A]

Not everybody's rich. Not everybody's stuck up.

[B]

There's a good mixture of all.

[A]

Listen, if. If some of the kids in my school don't live in a trailer, I don't know that I want to go.

[B]

That's the truest thing I've heard all day.

[A]

Because if you haven't ever known someone that lived in a Double wide. I don't want to talk to you.

[B]

I don't want to be friends with you.

[A]

I don't either, because listen, those are

[B]

the most humble good people you'll ever meet.

[A]

I grew up in a double wide, baby. Double wide. Proud.

[B]

I never did.

[A]

But it wasn't no Clayton Holmes neither. It was founded on Facebook markets. It was nice. No, it wasn't found on Facebook market. No, no, no, no, no. We're not going there. But speaking of Facebook Marketplace, let me tell you something. In the south, we would decorate up

[B]

a trailer, put a porch on it.

[A]

My nana lived in a double wide. Nice. Double wide.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She wanted French doors going out of her bedroom.

[B]

Was the house over there on the. The street that y' all used to live on was a double wad, or was that a house?

[A]

The one with the green carpet?

[B]

No, the one that Tasha lives in.

[A]

Oh, it's a double. It's a double wide.

[B]

See, I didn't even know that.

[A]

You would never know it. No, because Monana has more. It looks like a botanical garden out front.

[B]

Yeah. And it has a front porch and a back porch and a back porch

[A]

and three layer back porch. Yeah, that's a double wide.

[B]

I thought it was a house.

[A]

Listen, in the south, we will decorate a double wide. You would never know it. Hell, we may even put a basement in that.

[B]

I don't know if that is possible,

[A]

but with enough lumber from Home Depot, anything's possible.

[B]

You like Home Depot? I hate Home Depot. And Lowe's.

[A]

Well, I don't hate them. I just don't fit in. Remember that time we were in Lowe's and we went over the intercom?

[B]

We got escorted out of the building. We were in Lowe's one time. We were bored as hell. Our parents drug us in there and we didn't even know what we were doing. We went and played house in the kitchen section. We're doing dumb shit. And then we went down an aisle and it had like a little microphone thing. And I was like, let's pick this up. And we picked it up and went over the intercom. Attention all those shoppers and associates.

[A]

Please come to the sinks.

[B]

And then. And then we. We didn't get escorted out. We ran out. We ran out before they could escort us out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What are you doing on the phone over there?

[A]

I'm just looking at stuff, trying to figure out what we're going to talk about.

[B]

Yeah, because we never plan.

[A]

Some people don't like it when we do that. They just like when we're Organic. But my favorite part of planning is we don't really plan our episodes, but we need to have bullet points. That way we can talk about something and get on a tangent.

[B]

So when you were in school. Let's go back to school. When you were in school, did public speaking ever freak you out? Like if you had to give a speech in front of all your classmates, does that freak you out? Or you were just good at it and you don't?

[A]

Well, I was friends with most of my classmates, so it really didn't bother me. But no, not. Not really.

[B]

Okay. I just remember some kids, like, I

[A]

had to give a speech in front of like 25, 000 people. Do you remember that?

[B]

I don't think it was 25, 000. I think it might have been 10, maybe 7.

[A]

A lot.

[B]

Yeah, it was in the thousands for sure.

[A]

Yeah. I had to give a speech because I ran for public. I ran for state office for a club that I was in. I had to give a speech. And you lost everybody at state conference. And I did lose. I didn't win. Because the person beside me out, she really. Listen, I love her now, we're friends, but every time somebody would come over to my poster board for me to talk to them, she would step over in my business. So one time I looked at her, I was like, can you scoot over?

[B]

Yeah. Get in your own square. Yeah. She's trying to steal your. Your voters. I remember you lost and that one person came up to you was crying cuz you lost.

[A]

Yeah, she was a. She was on the state board.

[B]

Yeah. She wanted you. That's why she, like, I really wanted you to win.

[A]

She was like the adviser. So I've always been the teacher's pet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Speaking of double wides.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Just in houses in general, especially in the south, if you do not have a junk drawer in your house, I don't trust you. No, I don't.

[B]

No. Whenever you pull out that junk drawer,

[A]

that shit better be. You better be having to tuck shit in to push it back in.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, you better have keys, sharpies, pencils, pens, chargers, chargers.

[A]

One thing I will never throw away is a charger. Because there's nothing worse in this world than being stuck without a damn charger because yours broke.

[B]

And God forbid, Apple give you a damn charging box in the box.

[A]

Oh my gosh. You buy the new phone from like the 14 up and I hope your ass has a box from your old one.

[B]

They've not put one in there below the 14.

[A]

I mean, why Would you not sell both parts of the. Of the charging?

[B]

Because they want to send our asses on a scavenger hunt to the freaking Walmart and the Target to find one.

[A]

And whenever you go into the Apple Store and you pay it, they're like. You buy your phone, they're like, would you like to purchase a charging block? No, bitch. I would like for them to be one in my box. Yeah, but see, whenever the boxes got thinner, because, you know, the box used to be about as thick as a Cheesecake Factory menu menu. When the boxes got thinner, they excluded the charging block. Yeah, I don't know why they done

[B]

that, but it really does piss me off because we're spending a lot of money on those phones for these not even to work in about two years when the next one comes out.

[A]

Landon got a new one. And I told him the other day, I said, landon, it's about to be July. If you'll just wait two more months till September, the 18 will come out and you won't have to suffer through somebody in that Apple Store who hates their life and all their children.

[B]

Let me tell you this.

[A]

They probably go to private school.

[B]

Let me tell you this.

[A]

And they press that button, your phone goes to shit.

[B]

Let me tell you this. I came in to that AT and T and I about, you know, I came into the AT and T, and they, you know, they try to sell you a whole bunch more shit than you need. Would you like an iPad? It'll knock your bill off $20. I'm sorry, buying an iPad ain't gonna knock my bill off $20. They lie.

[A]

That's not true. I bought an iPad one time.

[B]

And your hundred. Uhhuh. Exactly. And I said, no, this. I'm on my mom's plan seal. Like, if I change anything in here, she'll kill me and kill you too. Like how it goes. They went and they said, okay, well, guess what? He still came out with an iPad to show me. I don't want your damn iPad. And I'm still my mom's phone plan, thank God. I text my mom the other day. I've been nervous to upgrade my phone because I don't want to get kicked off my mom's plan. But I text her other day, and I was like, it works like insurance, right? I don't get kicked off until I'm 26.

[A]

Okay? And she said, yes, I got kicked off last year.

[B]

You got kicked off?

[A]

I do. I pay my own phone bill.

[B]

You got booted.

[A]

But my grandparents still pay my car insurance. And some of y' all think I'm a moocher for that. I think I have good grandparents.

[B]

And I think you ride that train as long as you last. Choo, choo. Blow the smoke, Thomas. A train coming through.

[A]

My car's paid off. Yeah, but they do pay my insurance. And I've offered to pay it, but, you know, Southern grandmas, they just let you. Let you coast their life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I don't pay it. By the grace of God. Sorry, I got a notification.

[B]

I did, too. Can I check for a second?

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

Only because you're checking. Sorry, we're on our phones right now. We got a notification. I'm having an awful hair day, by the way. This is not. Not well with the world.

[A]

I'm so sorry about that. Would you like to talk about it?

[B]

No, I just need a haircut.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Anyways, what are you. What are you checking over there? Who texted?

[A]

It was Facebook.

[B]

Let's go back to Facebook Marketplace.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Didn't you see something on Facebook? Marketplace.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Yesterday, I'm in all these yard sale groups back home. Because, you know, that's just what you do in the South. You join a bunch of yard sale groups, and you see what other bitches got for sale. There was a woman in the Chattanooga, Tennessee area, Mom's ba Things group. She was selling a pelvic wand massager. Well, if you don't know what a pelvic wand massager is, let me just tell you, okay? There was a picture of it. That's the only reason I know. And it looks like Captain Hook's hook. And it's a dildo. Okay. It said gently used purchase now helps with pelvic floor. Something when you're pregnant.

[B]

And were people wanting it?

[A]

There were two women in the comments expressing genuine interest. The. The caption said gently used has been sanitized. There was woman like, hi, is this still available? Hi. If it falls through, let me know. If y' all are buying secondhand pussy massagers, we're gonna have to have a talk. Okay.

[B]

That will give you something to.

[A]

Ajax, you are gonna get chlamydogonorrhea.

[B]

Chlamydogonorrhea.

[A]

That is disgusting. I don't even drink out of a straw with people. Could you imagine buying a secondhand sex toy? That has to be against the law.

[B]

It is against the law.

[A]

I'm calling the health department.

[B]

No, it's against your ass.

[A]

Needs to be. Why are we selling that on Facebook? There are kids on Facebook. Why are we selling pelvic Massagers on Facebook Marketplace. And better yet, why are we expressing interest in a used pelvic massager?

[B]

I'm at a loss for words.

[A]

A woman cut me off the other day at Target buying a dildo. I know they sell that kind of thing at.

[B]

At your local store.

[A]

Go in there, don't buy a second hand.

[B]

I'm appalled. That is.

[A]

What the hell is wrong with y'?

[B]

All? I don't even know what to say.

[A]

And y' all get nervous whenever people don't wear a mask during COVID But y' all are buying secondhand vibrators.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Y' all need to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

[B]

I think that's what they're trying to do.

[A]

Or come down with a damn disease that's incurable.

[B]

I'm telling you, they're gonna get something that Ajax won't wash off.

[A]

That is beyond screwed up. What the hell is wrong with y'? All? Y' all need Jesus.

[B]

Yeah. And I'm pretty sure it says in the Bible somewhere not to use it.

[A]

Well, I won't even say that because. Yeah.

[B]

Not to at least buy a second hand use.

[A]

Yeah, it does.

[B]

Second hose. 745 of the hoes.

[A]

Yeah, you can't say that. Second Leviticus. It's. It's in. It's in the New Testament somewhere. I know it is.

[B]

And old.

[A]

You know, it's probably not. Jesus probably didn't even think about that.

[B]

No, he did.

[A]

He didn't think the world would ever go astray the way it has.

[B]

No, it didn't. That is. That is some war. Worldly.

[A]

We need you now.

[B]

Yes, we do. Come down. Come back.

[A]

Anyways. Never thought I'd have to say that.

[B]

I just thought people sold, like, trucks on Facebook Marketplace.

[A]

Yeah, me too.

[B]

And like, you use, like, microwaves and clothes and shoes.

[A]

I don't even know that I would buy a secondhand microwave, much less secondhand.

[B]

I'm not buying anything off Facebook Marketplace. Unless it's, like, an inflatable. Would you. I mean, you just never know what people have going on in their home.

[A]

Or between their legs, apparently. But people don't care. And she was selling it for $20.

[B]

$20.

[A]

They can't be more than that. New. Y' all are some cheap bitches out there in the world.

[B]

I kind of want to change the subject. This gives me the ick. Yeah.

[A]

Gives you the ick. I've seen it. She posted a picture of it. Something that had been in her labia minora.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyways, we're gonna have to get off topic here, because I'm about to throw up. Throw up my champagne.

[B]

What do you want to talk about next?

[A]

You know, I had to go to the damn dentist the other day.

[B]

You did. And you hate the dentist.

[A]

I hate the dentist. There's nothing worse in the world than going to the dentist.

[B]

I disagree. I love getting my teeth cleaned.

[A]

No, I don't. Because they start getting all them tools and they start scratching your teeth with it, and it just makes you want to go into cardiac arrest.

[B]

I disagree. I mean, I like the dentist.

[A]

Well, I had to have a root canal about a year and a half ago before you think, oh, my God, he's nasty.

[B]

Your roots were dead. They were just dead, okay?

[A]

It happens a day.

[B]

Trees die, teeth die.

[A]

The who did my root canal didn't do it right the first time. My tooth doesn't even bother me.

[B]

You really need to report her to the bar of dentistry.

[A]

Yes, I would love to, actually.

[B]

Let's do it.

[A]

I don't remember her name, but she's a. So I'm going to have to go have another one. Done. I hate the damn dentist. I hate the dentist.

[B]

Did you have, like, a traumatic experience at the dentist when you were a child?

[A]

When I was a kid, they. I went to the dentist and I was crying because I don't know why. I just didn't like the dentist. And for some reason, they had a straight jacket in the corner.

[B]

You're lying.

[A]

I swear.

[B]

You got straight jacketed at the dentist?

[A]

She pointed at it and said. And I told her I wasn't. I told her that I was allergic to cows and pigs. No idea why, but I'm allergic to cows and pigs. And she said, there's no cows or pigs in here. So she went and got my mom, and all I was doing was having a cleaning done. I was traumatic. I think I'm on the spectrum.

[B]

You. You definitely are. I could have told you that.

[A]

I really. No, I'm not even kidding. I really think I am.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But anyway.

[B]

So you had a traumatic time at the dentist, and that's why you don't like going. Noah. Yeah, I never had a traumatic time at the dentist. When I was little, I did get caps. I had to get caps because my teeth came in so early that they just, like, rotted out my baby teeth. And they put, like, silver caps in the back. But my mom was. I was thankful for my mom because she gave. She paid extra to have, like, normal caps.

[A]

You know, what was the point in. In caps?

[B]

Because I didn't Want to look like I had rotted teeth.

[A]

But what, I'm not saying, like what are, what do they serve? Like, what's the purpose of them? Cuz they're just going to come off.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Silver cosmetic. That's not very flattering.

[B]

No, I said the only thing I

[A]

ever did for me was not let me eat a damn starburst cuz I would eat a starburst, them damn things would come out.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

But.

[B]

And then like the white ones in the front and I lost them. And now my teeth are good, but I am getting veneers and I know I'm going to catch hell for that. You know, I was watching Tik Tok the other day and people on people that get veneers.

[A]

I can't wait to get them.

[B]

I'm getting them.

[A]

Did you ever grind your teeth Bad?

[B]

Really bad. Bad. Speaking of grinding my teeth, I ordered this new thing. I tried this new thing. It's called a Remy and it, it's like a mouth guard. They make a mouth guard. Like 350,000Americans use it. It's so good. But like you do it at home, they send you a kit. You like mold your teeth to it at home or whatever, and then you send it in, they send you a mouth guard. And I don't grind my teeth no more.

[A]

I have tried that too and I actually love it. I was really kind of nervous about doing the impression kit because it just scared me. But it really wasn't bad at all. I did it in my home, sent it off, they sent me back my mouth guards. I wear them and they prevent me from damaging my teeth.

[B]

I have TMJ too, and I think it helps with that too.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like just me not grinding my teeth and stuff. I'd be waking up in the morning and it's just awful.

[A]

You can protect your teeth with Remy by using code banter for 50% off.

[B]

50?

[A]

50.

[B]

That's a good deal

[A]

for 50 off. Your new night guard with Remy Club. Subscribe and save. That's 50 [e-mail] forward slash banter. That is code banter. B A N T E R. Thank you, Remy for sponsoring this episode.

[B]

Yes, amen. And it does work. For real. I mean, it protects your teeth.

[A]

It does. I love it.

[B]

Don't grind anymore. Well, I think I grind, but like,

[A]

it's like it doesn't. It protects it from damage when you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyways, like a little guard. Yeah, it's a guard.

[A]

They stand guard in your mouth.

[B]

Stand guard? Yes, they do. That's good. We need to put that on a T shirt anyways. What? Now hold up.

[A]

We are unprepared.

[B]

We're always unprepared.

[A]

I do have a question.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Would you rather be vegan for one year or never be able to eat steak again?

[B]

Vegan for one year.

[A]

What the hell would you eat?

[B]

The couch fucking.

[A]

You'd have to. I mean, vegan is nothing that comes from an animal, right?

[B]

Correct.

[A]

So you couldn't have meat, you couldn't have eggs, you couldn't have dairy. You couldn't have mayonnaise.

[B]

I'm somebody. Yeah. And that's fucked.

[A]

Because mayonnaise is made from eggs.

[B]

I'm somebody that drinks milk straight out of the gallon jug. Because I live alone. Before y' all bitch at me, I live alone.

[A]

You can bitch me if you want to. If you come to my house, don't ask me for the meal. Cause I've had my lips on it.

[B]

Listen, I just love anything that comes out of an animal.

[A]

Literally.

[B]

Steak, chicken, the lore.

[A]

I believe that the Lord put the animals here for a reason.

[B]

He did, and it was for us to kill them and eat them well.

[A]

And to use their milk and their cheese or their milk. To make the cheese.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And eat yogurt.

[B]

Yogurt. Chobani has never done me dirty.

[A]

What the hell would you eat? Ice.

[B]

Chickpeas and ice. You would have to chain me to a fucking pole and feed me ice chips. You would have to chain me to a pole and feed me ice chips. If I was a vegan.

[A]

If you are vegan. Not that many people that watch us, I think would be vegan. But if you are vegan, I'm sure

[B]

we have a couple.

[A]

Could you please explain to me what you eat during the day and why you chose this foodstyle and greens?

[B]

Why did you choose this lifestyle? I mean, I understand if it was like, for.

[A]

Because I don't think it chose you.

[B]

No, it didn't.

[A]

The other day, my Nana went in for a procedure.

[B]

What kind of procedure?

[A]

She had to have something repaired in her stomach.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But her surgeon, he was vegan. And he came in to check on her and gave her, like, the things she had to do after surgery, like the post op. And she goes, now, I know you're vegan, but don't expect that out of me because I eat meat. And you know what? Amen, Nana. Not just meat, though. Like, you know, a vegetarian, you can't eat meat, Right?

[B]

But you can eat pecan.

[A]

Pescatarian. You can only eat fish Anything. But you can only eat fish. A damn vegan. You can't eat anything that comes out of me. And they don't wear, like, wool because I think it's abusive to the sheep.

[B]

Well, what the hell else is a sheep gonna do?

[A]

Well, I guess we're just supposed to let them get so damn matted. Long hair and matted. See, y' all vegans don't give a fuck about sheep too much. Cause their hairs are getting matted because you think we're abusing them when we shave them.

[B]

And what else? We stow the hair away.

[A]

Now they wear. They probably wear cotton and polyester and spandex. Yeah, they probably wear spandex because they're skinny as fuck.

[B]

They do.

[A]

I've never seen a fat vegan.

[B]

I wouldn't go that far.

[A]

How the hell do you know how much salad you'd have to eat to get fat? Only thing they can eat is salad and fruit.

[B]

I'm thinking of some.

[A]

Where do you get your protein from?

[B]

I'm thinking of somebody right now. But she's not vegan. I think she's vegetarian. And even the vegetarians say.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, she.

[A]

She's not a vegetarian anymore.

[B]

What is she.

[A]

Landon's referring to Lizzo.

[B]

Is she normal?

[A]

Lizzo started eating, like, meat and stuff and that's when she started dropping all kinds of weight. I'm not saying that's why she lost weight.

[B]

No, I can tell you why, Landon.

[A]

She did start working out. She started posting.

[B]

And good for her.

[A]

Let me tell you something. Lizzo looks great.

[B]

I love her. I don't know her songs.

[A]

I just know she can play the flute. She up that flute, too, let me just tell you.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, but she's actually not a vegetarian anymore.

[B]

She seen a lot.

[A]

She did.

[B]

She read her Bible and learned that God put animals on this earth for a reason.

[A]

Well, I think there's a Bible verse somewhere that says, the Lord gave us dominion over all the. The fruits and spirits and the.

[B]

And the.

[A]

I don't know. I know that there were two chicken on the ark.

[B]

They were a lot. There was one of every animal on the ark.

[A]

Two. Two of every animal. Two of every animal came over on the ark. The Lord put the cow on the ark so I could have a flaming yawn.

[B]

And he did.

[A]

Amen.

[B]

That he's going on a shirt, I'm

[A]

telling you right now. Put that on a billboard.

[B]

And do you think that there was, like, a firefly on the ark?

[A]

I know what wasn't on the ark.

[B]

What?

[A]

Mosquitoes. Lord, if you put the mosquito on the ark, I know you didn't make any mistakes, but I think those actually followed the ark behind it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Flying behind it. And they would rest on the ark at night because there's no way that the Lord put mosquitoes on that ark.

[B]

He didn't.

[A]

Because after they got off that ark, they did what was in the Bible and they were fruitful and multiplied. Because there's a mosquito in every crevice and corner of these great United States. You can't go out without having to go. A galley napper.

[B]

A galley napper.

[A]

They're huge. They're like this big. They're.

[B]

The mosquitoes. They freak the hell out of me.

[A]

They eat the mosquitoes.

[B]

So we don't need to kill them.

[A]

Hell no.

[B]

Not kill them.

[A]

I'm about to start a galley napper farm because there's nothing worse in this world than a damn mosquito. And I don't want to have to carry around a thermocell or a citronella candle because they stink.

[B]

What?

[A]

Honestly.

[B]

And when I get bit by a mosquito, I swell up.

[A]

I do, too.

[B]

And I itch it till it's a scab.

[A]

And then I have to go to

[B]

the hospital and die because I have Ebola.

[A]

What purpose?

[B]

Or Zika?

[A]

Both. What? At the same damn time? What purpose does a mosquito hold? If. If we just eradicated the Mosqu, what would we suffer? And before you say rally. They're a pollinator. They pollinate the fruits.

[B]

They don't pollinate.

[A]

Bees pollinate.

[B]

No. Mosquitoes don't polish.

[A]

And a honeybee has never stung me or bit me.

[B]

No, it's.

[A]

But a mosquito.

[B]

Honey.

[A]

Don't come out of here with no damn mosquito. There's no way they were on the damn ark.

[B]

They weren't.

[A]

What else is probably not on the Ark?

[B]

A horse fly.

[A]

You ever been bitten by a horse or a wasp? Right.

[B]

Something they're getting created somewhere. In a lab, probably in China.

[A]

Y' all are playing God by creating mosquitoes and wasp in a lab.

[B]

They did.

[A]

That's not right.

[B]

No, that's not right.

[A]

God would never answer for your troubles. One day.

[B]

Uhan.

[A]

They created that shit over in a damn bio lab. Yeah, probably to spread some kind of man made disease across the world.

[B]

Corona. Yeah, Hanta. Well, Haunta. I don't think was man made.

[A]

No, I think it was, but it only had a little sprinkle that kind of did away.

[B]

Mission failed.

[A]

Should have been stronger.

[B]

Anyways. Yeah, that was a tangent. It was.

[A]

What do you Got planned for the rest of the day.

[B]

I don't know what I'm doing for the rest of even. Oh, I have towels in the dryer.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But the dryer's not on because I don't want to burn the apartment complex down.

[A]

I actually did a lot of laundry yesterday. You should be proud of me.

[B]

I just don't know how your laundry gets so piled up. I do laundry at least like twice a week.

[A]

I did about.

[B]

If you do little loads, it doesn't.

[A]

Well, I actually did laundry yesterday. My dryer started making a God awful noise.

[B]

My dryer sounds like a fucking tornado has came through the apartment complex and destroyed it. It sounds like you, you just. It sounds awful. I need to put in a maintenance request, but I just don't want nobody in my apartment complex. And speaking of that, we got people coming in.

[A]

They have to come and inspect the sprinkler system.

[B]

I hope I'm in the bed when they do.

[A]

I don't. Why I don't want them walking up in my apartment when I'm in the

[B]

bed hoping I'm taking like taking a nap or something. I don't want it to be sitting on my.

[A]

Did scare the out of me. God love them to knock.

[B]

Well, they will.

[A]

Last night my apartment is closer to the interstate than Landon's and apparently there was traffic because I heard a bunch of 18 wheelers who need some WD40 on their brakes going. Sounded like echolocation down there. Like you were in Finding Dory. And every time I'd roll over and start to drift off to sleep, I'd

[B]

hear speaking of Finding Dory, I love sushi so much that I could probably eat the whole damn cab. Why are you talking,

[A]

Brandon?

[B]

What?

[A]

You're eating a clown fish.

[B]

I love sushi.

[A]

I don't think you can find those at Rockinville.

[B]

I could eat the whole damn cast of Finding Nemo and Finding Dory.

[A]

Somewhere a Pixar character just lost its wings.

[B]

That's just Landon.

[A]

That's sad.

[B]

You don't like sushi.

[A]

Yeah, but I'm not gonna eat Dory. She has short term memory loss.

[B]

She won't remember if I eat her them.

[A]

You know dory is Ellen DeGeneres.

[B]

I knew that. And she sells kids on Epstein Island.

[A]

Landon, don't say that.

[B]

Well, it's been accused.

[A]

Allegedly.

[B]

Allegedly. She is involved in that.

[A]

Well, I know one thing, Ellen.

[B]

I loved her. She has since she had a good talk show.

[A]

I used to watch her all the time since she got off tv and

[B]

my Nanny didn't even approve of lesbians and she still watched her. My southern nanny didn't even approve of lesbians and she still watched you. Ellen just wants to let you know.

[A]

Oh my God, Ellen. Whenever she got off a TV she aged like she looks like a prince gallon of milk. She looks like like a gallon of whole milk. And not fair life because that don't go bad.

[B]

It's fake.

[A]

Well, it's good. And it's low calorie.

[B]

Anyways. You make a coffee this morning?

[A]

I did make a coffee and I've started. I see Maggie on tick tock. Make like ice balls out of her like cold brew. That way your coffee doesn't get watered down.

[B]

When it waters down, it's actually coffee.

[A]

And I bought me a cup from Target. So I've been drinking it because I've been using my nespresso And I say all that to say that I put my nespresso, my eyeballs, my chobani creamer and a scoop of cowboy colostrum in my coffee this morning.

[B]

And I got you on that.

[A]

I didn't even use creamer because the cowboy colostrum is vanilla.

[B]

I put you on that. You did. It is so, so good. It's 100% grass fed bovine colostrum.

[A]

And bovine is a cow.

[B]

Yes. And it helps with so much. It helps with your immune system. It helps with your bloating, digestion, skin, hair growth n nail growth. I mean it helps with so much. I use it for my skin mainly cuz I don't have good skin. I do now and digestion. But I mean I guess it's helping my hair grow because I need a haircut too. Anyways, didn't you say you put it in your overnight oats the other day?

[A]

I did. I meal prepped overnight oats yesterday and I put a scoop of cowboy colostrum in every single one of my overnight oats and I ate it this morning and it is so good.

[B]

What's your favorite flavor?

[A]

Vanilla.

[B]

It literally tastes like a vanilla milkshake And a lot of people are asking me if it tastes like protein powder or anything like that. No, it completely dissolves. It's not like a protein powder or anything like that.

[A]

And it's like Landon eats it like a fun dip.

[B]

I literally will be like oh, it tastes good. Like I lick my face.

[A]

Our viewers can go to cowboycolostrum.com forward/banter or use code banter at checkout for 25 off their order, which is a great deal. So go Check it out. We love them, and they are.

[B]

And they're coming out with a new flavor, and I cannot wait to try it. But that's a story for another time.

[A]

Anyways, anyways. Yesterday I went to Whole Foods.

[B]

I bet everything in Whole Foods is approved on the Olive app.

[A]

Excuse me, I need to sit up when I say this.

[B]

Whole Foods went to Whole Foods because,

[A]

you know, it's very polyvoon. You're very quiet right now. Well, Whole Foods is. You have to use your inside of voice, because they're very hoity toity.

[B]

Hoity toity.

[A]

And Whole Foods has, like, this machine where you can make your own peanut

[B]

butter and your own peanut butter.

[A]

You just put a. Put a container under it and you press down, and it just grinds up the peanuts and shoots out organic, natural peanut butter.

[B]

I don't want that.

[A]

It was chunky.

[B]

I don't want that unless my peanut butter is. Got a little bit of sugar in it. And it was good.

[A]

It was actually good.

[B]

It was chunky. Yeah, because you bought chunky peanut butter.

[A]

Their grinders. Riley, that's a. Their grinders were not up to par.

[B]

Riley, that is a sin that you bought chunky peanut butter.

[A]

It's not.

[B]

I don't want no damn crouton in my peanut butter.

[A]

It's not a crouton. No, but it's a peanut.

[B]

I like a little cross that sits. That don't sit right with my soul. Okay, you like a little crunch in your peanut butter. We're. I'm never talking again. I need a new co host of this podcast.

[A]

Okay, but you want to wear flip flops.

[B]

I'm. Am I? Am I?

[A]

No. But you want to.

[B]

I did order a pair.

[A]

That's.

[B]

No, it ain't.

[A]

Yes, it is.

[B]

I know. I've talked about it my whole life.

[A]

You have. And I'm not gonna ever let you live it down. As a matter of fact, I don't even want to look at you right now.

[B]

I don't want to look at you either, because you're. You buy chunky peanut butter.

[A]

Well, that's. Okay.

[B]

That is a cardinal sin.

[A]

I don't care what you think is a sin, because you didn't die on the cross for mine.

[B]

No, but you think my flip flops are a sin.

[A]

It's got to say somewhere in the Bible that, no, they wore Jerusalem cruisers back then.

[B]

But see, Exactly. I'm living holy with my flip flops.

[A]

There's nothing holy about hearing every time you take a step.

[B]

I can. I can step quietly.

[A]

The Bible says you won't do anything to embarrass yourself.

[B]

And in the name of the Lord.

[A]

Well, would you wear them to church?

[B]

No.

[A]

My point exactly.

[B]

But I was raised in the church where you didn't wear stuff like that. I went to church with my friend the other day in Alabama. And? And they were wearing shorts.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. First time we ever went to the church we go to now, and they were wearing shorts. I didn't know what to think. Y'. All, we grew up in a Southern Baptist church. The women didn't even wear pants.

[B]

No. They've gotten a little lenient now.

[A]

They have.

[B]

I don't care what you wear in church as long as you show up not naked. Come and get the spirit of the Lord.

[A]

The Lord said, come as you are. Come as thou shalt be blessed, and

[B]

thou shalt be blessed. Bring a Diet Coke with you.

[A]

I do. You best believe it, baby. I need to bring the holy water up in the church.

[B]

And you do.

[A]

I think you can anoint somebody with that stuff.

[B]

I don't think you can with Diet Coke, but you definitely can with Coke. Anything carbonated really well.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Spread it on my forehead. What? What's that thing?

[A]

Zimba. Zim. Zimba. What is that? Have you never watched the Lion King?

[B]

No. What do they say?

[A]

Simba. Simba Zimba. Got him.

[B]

Get the.

[A]

Get thee away from me safely.

[B]

What about Zumba? You ever done Zumba?

[A]

Does it look like I've done Zumba?

[B]

I've seen some big bone people do Zumba.

[A]

I ain't big bone, I'm fat.

[B]

No, tell me this. Tell me your experience with this.

[A]

Zumba ain't got none.

[B]

No. Whenever somebody says big boned, that just means they're calling you.

[A]

Well, I will say this. Growing up, I was always plus sized. And I thought that I was big boned, okay? Cause in the south, whenever you're fat, your parents will say, oh, Riley, you know he's big boned. That's co word for he's fat as shit.

[B]

Okay? That's why I was.

[A]

I'm picking my shirt out of my titty. But I learned after getting on the GLP1, you can find the link to that in my bio.

[B]

But you know what?

[A]

Your face ain't sucking in because I eat the protein.

[B]

You eat the protein and you do the working.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I learned that I was not big boned. My femur was the size it was supposed to be. I was just a cushion around. I wasn't big bone. I was big backed.

[B]

Just the cushion that was pushing around the femur.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Was a little too much cushion.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But that cushion's coming off.

[A]

It is.

[B]

How much weight have you lost?

[A]

Well, I've lost 110 pounds, but then I gained. I've actually lost about 115, but I've gained about 15 back. Okay, so now I'm, I've lost. I woke up this morning, I've lost three since I started back.

[B]

Okay. Okay. So good, you're good you're losing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That cruise set it off.

[A]

Every time I go on a cruise, it. I get factory resets up and I just see everything in sight for the

[B]

next six months and it. And your body factory resets back to the big activities.

[A]

It does.

[B]

And we're getting to the skin activities again.

[A]

Yeah, it's that damn Royal Caribbean Wind Jammer.

[B]

That windhammer.

[A]

Washi washy.

[B]

Washi washy. Anyways, Anyways, what were you gonna say?

[A]

Jinx Poke. Peach poke. You owe me a Coke and that's not right. You owe me a Sprite.

[B]

I don't know me a Coke. Touch the floor. You owe me four.

[A]

I've never heard that.

[B]

I've never heard pinch poke. Something about a sprout.

[A]

Okay, well, I don't really know what to talk about.

[B]

Well, I have an idea.

[A]

What?

[B]

Let's do a bloodline brain check.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And for those of you who texted

[B]

me and said, listen, Matt from raised Rowdy Man.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He said, listening to Yalls latest episode A and I are dying at this edition of Bloodline Brain Check. Well, okay.

[A]

Hello. Oh, by the way, before we start that, Caitlyn told me the other day she was expecting a shout out every Thursday.

[B]

So Caitlyn, here's your shout out. If you live in the Laette, Ringle, Chada area or anywhere area around them, you go buy cake from little batch bakes.

[A]

Anyways, free sponsor.

[B]

I'll take a free cake.

[A]

Cake pop.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so this okay for those of you who are new here because we have a lot of new viewers. Bloodline brain check is where Landon and I ask each other questions that it's like a spin off of. Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

[B]

I'm not. I'm dumber than.

[A]

But it's questions that most people should know, but we probably don't.

[B]

Well, I feel like most people don't know these questions.

[A]

Most people know that the only state in America that starts at the P is Pennsylvania. Landon, you didn't know that.

[B]

And even people that in the Comment section. Even the people that lived in Pennsylvania said it took them a minute to figure it out.

[A]

So that was one comment. She had one of the top ones, but. Okay, I'll go first.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What is the largest state in the U. S. By land area?

[B]

Texas. No, by land.

[A]

By land area. Not by people. By land area.

[B]

Alaska.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Sarah Palin.

[B]

Okay. Texas. Throw me off because I forget about Alaska. It's a little bit secluded up there or down there?

[A]

Actually, no, it's up there.

[B]

It's up there, but they just put

[A]

it down there on the map.

[B]

It'll touch Russia.

[A]

Well, it's five miles away from Russia at the. At the point, but. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What is the longest river in the United States?

[B]

The Nile River. No, no, no, no, no. There's. What? Stop, stop.

[A]

The Nile river in the United States. Where is that at? Florida.

[B]

In the. Every Nile river is the longest in the world.

[A]

Okay, we're not talking about the world. We're the United States.

[B]

We used to look and see if the Nile River's. It is. That's got me mixed up.

[A]

Okay. What is the longest river in the United States?

[B]

I don't. I only know two rivers.

[A]

What?

[B]

The Chattahoochee and the Tennessee.

[A]

You don't even know the Mississippi, but that's not it.

[B]

Well, yeah, now that you've said that.

[A]

And the Cumberland, because we live on it.

[B]

Yeah, I don't. I don't know my rivers.

[A]

Okay. It's the Missouri River.

[B]

I didn't even know Missouri had a river.

[A]

I didn't either. What is the largest planet in our solar system?

[B]

Jupiter.

[A]

Okay, you damn paleontologist. That's the study of bones. What year did The Titanic sink?

[B]

1927. No, what? 1947.

[A]

Caitlyn just answered that because she's obsessed with the Titanic. 1912.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

How many sides does a hexagon have?

[B]

Hexa means ten.

[A]

No, that's gone, man.

[B]

Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Six, six.

[A]

What is the chemical symbol on the periodic table for gold?

[B]

Joe, what is it? Do you. Did not go.

[A]

Bitch. It's a.

[B]

You see, that's fucked.

[A]

Who painted the Mona Lisa?

[B]

I don't know. Take a guess.

[A]

You have to guess.

[B]

There's only one artist that I know, and I know he didn't paint the Mona Lisa. He cut off his ear. Vincent van Gogh. But I know he didn't paint the Mona Lisa.

[A]

Leonardo da Vinci.

[B]

Oh, I knew that.

[A]

No, you didn't. What's the largest ocean in the world?

[B]

Pacific.

[A]

Okay, I knew that. How Many bones were in the adult human body.

[B]

Over a hundred.

[A]

Well, yeah. Bitch.

[B]

Donna Clements would be so disappointed in me if I didn't answer this right. And I don't know.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

227.

[A]

206.

[B]

206.

[A]

You were close.

[B]

I can name a lot of the bones.

[A]

What country?

[B]

The scapula.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The tibula.

[A]

Tibia.

[B]

Tibia. And the fibia.

[A]

Fibula.

[B]

See, I get. I said tibula and I was gonna say fibia. Okay, okay.

[A]

What country gifted the Statue of Liberty to the United States?

[B]

France.

[A]

Okay. What is the smallest planet in the solar system?

[B]

Uranus. Let me think. Mercury.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What gas do plants absorb from the atmosphere?

[B]

It's not oxygen.

[A]

No. They put out oxygen.

[B]

Right. It's the other one and I don't know the other one, which is. Give me.

[A]

This segment has really proved that we are not fit for a real job.

[B]

Well, if you have to know these answers for a real job, then you must be a fucking NASA fucking astronaut.

[A]

Okay, what is it?

[B]

What is the other?

[A]

Carbon dioxide. Carbon dioxide. Okay, I know how many photosynthesis is. Okay, what is it?

[B]

I don't know the definition.

[A]

It's how plants make their food.

[B]

Yeah. The sunlight shines on them.

[A]

Yeah. What is the capital of Canada? Canada.

[B]

The capital of Canada is not Ontario.

[A]

No.

[B]

And it's not Toronto.

[A]

No.

[B]

It's Ottawa.

[A]

Yeah. How did you know that?

[B]

I just remember.

[A]

Okay, how many? No, that's in Tennessee. How many continents are there?

[B]

Seven.

[A]

Okay, last one. What is the only mammal capable of true flight? There's no way you get this because

[B]

I wouldn't have the only animal or mammal. You said mammal.

[A]

Mammal capable of true flight.

[B]

What does that mean? Like they can fly.

[A]

The only animal that can truly fly. Mammal that can truly fly.

[B]

Uh huh. Well, it's gotta have wings. I know that it does. I don't know.

[A]

A bat.

[B]

I knew that. Because a bat is a mammal. I knew that, but I just did not think of that. I was thinking of a dolphin. Even though I know they can't fly. But a lot of people don't know that dolphins are mammals.

[A]

Oh, okay, you're right. Yes, they are mammals, but they cannot fly. Go ahead and tell me, Ask me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Let me pick my turn to be bloodline brain checked.

[B]

Let me go to my questions that I have prepared. How many nickels are in a dollar? No, you just got to tell me.

[A]

25.

[B]

No.

[A]

20.

[B]

Yes. Good.

[A]

I'm not good at math.

[B]

What does ATM stand for?

[A]

Automatic teller machine.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

My mom worked at a bank.

[B]

How Many cards are in a standard deck.

[A]

52.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No way.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're lying.

[B]

I swear.

[A]

I don't know how I got that.

[B]

The Lord. What is a baby goat called?

[A]

A kid? Yes, Riley, we grew up on a farm.

[B]

I know, but like, have you ever

[A]

been to goats on the reef and Pigeon Forks?

[B]

Yeah, I have, but I didn't think you would get that. Hold on. It was asking me a dumb question.

[A]

So far I'm smarter than Landon.

[B]

Yeah, you are. How many birthdays does the average person have?

[A]

One.

[B]

Yes. Raleigh, you're on a row today. On a roll, not a row. If you pass a person in second place, what place are you in?

[A]

First.

[B]

No,

[A]

if you pass a person.

[B]

If you pass the person in second place, what place are you in?

[A]

First.

[B]

No,

[A]

second.

[B]

Yeah, because you were third.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, but if you pass a person in second place. Yeah, that's right. That's a trick question.

[B]

No. What shape is a stop sign?

[A]

An octagon.

[B]

Yes. Rally, you're 10 for 10. I don't even think I've asked 10 questions.

[A]

But I'm not smarter than a fifth grader. Bitch. I'm a sixth grader.

[B]

This is dumb.

[A]

What is it?

[B]

And they wanted me to ask somebody this as if it was a mind boggling question. What? What do bees make?

[A]

Honey.

[B]

Okay, let me go up and find some.

[A]

They were probably expecting someone.

[B]

You should know this. And I'm not even a like artist, but like, I know this. What color does blue and, and, and yellow make?

[A]

Green. Yes, Miss Heartline. I remember.

[B]

What's the capital of Florida?

[A]

Tallahassee.

[B]

How did you know that?

[A]

Because you lived there.

[B]

Yes. What animal both lays eggs and produces milk? This is where I'm gonna lose him. Right here. What animal lay it lays eggs and produces milk? You're never gonna guess it.

[A]

Can you give me a hint?

[B]

It's in the water.

[A]

In the water?

[B]

I think. I actually don't know if this animal lives in the water, but I'm almost 100 positive because if this lived on land, I'd have never known it.

[A]

It was.

[B]

Tell me.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

What animal lays eggs and produces milk?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

A

[A]

you've got the answer. Why is it taking you this long?

[B]

I just want you to really guess it. A platypus.

[A]

Who the would have known that? Perry the Platypus from Phineas and Ferb.

[B]

Yeah. How many days are in February during a leap year?

[A]

29.

[B]

How did you know that?

[A]

Because I'm not book smart, but I'm Smart. Smart. I'm street smart.

[B]

What direction does sunrise?

[A]

East.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sets in the west.

[B]

Maybe my questions are too easy.

[A]

No, I think you're just a little dumb.

[B]

What is. Well, you just already asked me that. How many? Nope. If you don't know this, this is what we're ending on. If you don't know it, then I'm revoking your United States citizenship. Okay, what bird is on the US Seal?

[A]

The eagle, bitch.

[B]

The what? Eagle.

[A]

The American bald eagle.

[B]

Yes. Okay, good, good. Okay, now we can do bloodline. We're gonna get bloodline brain check.

[A]

Going to get into cousin council. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I burn out the sunglasses. Welcome back to cousin council where you send in your submissions. Confessions or you just need our advice which should be a liability. Email in your submissions to Team Bloodline Banter official dot com.

[B]

Okay, go ahead.

[A]

Okay, number one on the docket. This is from. I'm. I'm not actually going to say her name because it's kind of juicy.

[B]

Hello?

[A]

Well, actually the name that the email come from and the name in the thing is different. Hello, my name is Blank. I first want to say that I love the podcast and I watch every week. Well, thank you, Blank. I always look forward to each week's podcast. So I need some advice. I have been with my now fiance for about three and a half years. Well, the other day I had a suspicion to go through his phone. So I did. And to my surprise I saw that he was receiving some dirty photos and messages from a number that was not saved. Come to find out he has been paying women to receive dirty things from him, to send dirty things to him. And now I'm not sure what to do or how to confront him about the situation. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

[B]

Well, for one. So he's paying for news.

[A]

If you. I'm sorry, Landon has me choked up tuberculosis. If you are.

[B]

Ha.

[A]

I'm taking my sunglasses off for this cuz we need eye to eye of contact. If you have to pay for the. Perhaps you should hit the gym or do something to better yourself because ain't nobody don't be spending your money on that. You could be. You could be donating to no kid hungry. And you're out here paying for nudes

[B]

when you've got a whole fiance even if you didn't have he's got a fiance.

[A]

This is what I would do.

[B]

This is what. Let me tell you what I would do first, okay? I would let him know that he's a piece of Crap. I'd let him know that his mom and his dad's a piece of crap. His dog, and everybody has family that they raised a piece of. And then I would probably like hit him really hard.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

In the head with a lamp, hard.

[A]

So don't take any of this of us literal because we're not trying to end. No, that's what I would do. Okay.

[B]

And then I would post on Facebook.

[A]

Okay. So I would sit down one night and be like, hey, babe, let's. Let's watch this podcast. I've loved their podcast. Let's watch it. And then as we say this cousin council submission, I'd look over to him and say, this is about you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And if you do that, I'm going to speak to him directly for a minute. You're a piece of shit. And if I were you, based on your actions, that ring probably isn't even one carrot. So I hope she takes that ring off. Hope she pops the diamond out. I hope she bakes you a cake. Hope she drops that diamond in the cake.

[B]

Then I hope you eat it.

[A]

The stone doesn't pass and you have to go get it removed.

[B]

Okay. I've not even read this one first, so I don't know what it's going to be, but it, from the first sentence, it looks juicy. My husband is following Instagram slash only fans models on Instagram. They're posing half naked or full nude. It makes me feel insecure when I know he's looking at them. I have been dealing with self esteem issues since I got pregnant a year ago. And now that I'm four months postpartum, the feeling of insecurity is worse. I have asked him to stop following these women for over a year, but he has yet to do so. I'm getting tired of asking him over and over and over again to stop following them. What should I do?

[A]

You don't ask him anymore.

[B]

Why do we just have a podcast cousin council segment full of whores? You don't ask him. You tell him. And you tell him if he doesn't quit that his ass is hitting the road, Jack, and not coming back. No more. No more, no more.

[A]

We have someone else wanting to pay for this.

[B]

Oh, this is a fucking husband. You're divorcing him and taking for everything he's worth.

[A]

I don't know what state you live in, but in the state of Georgia,

[B]

where we're from, you get half of everything. And if you work for the lawyer that I worked for, you get all of it.

[A]

And if I Were you? I would go watch Madea's Tyler Perry Diary of a Mad Black Woman. And then I would order a chainsaw or rent one from Home Depot and I would couch in half.

[B]

You order. You heat up a pan of hot grits and you, when they're bowling, you throw them on his face.

[A]

And then you done made me lose my hair.

[B]

And then you take a flat iron skillet.

[A]

Son of a bitch.

[B]

A flatiron skillet has a good balance on it. And you beat him in the head with it.

[A]

Yeah, I gotta get my gavel because I done me up.

[B]

And that's what Madea would do and I would do what Medea would do. What is up with these people treating their.

[A]

It's because nobody has respect for themselves or their spouse. So we just live in a society full of Landon and Rally. Okay, I first want to say I love the podcast so much. You guys are so funny. I rewatch your episodes when I'm having a bad day at work. Well, thank you so much. My boyfriend, 22 and I, 21, have been together for four years. It'll be five in January. I was a junior and he was a senior in high school when we met. So the first two and a half years of our relationship, we were in school. We have lived together for two going on three years, and now we have bought our first home together. I love our life, I love our life and I'm so blessed to have the things I have wanted, but I feel like something is missing. I've heavily hinted towards wanting to get married and he always said says that he wants to get married, but when the time is right. He also says he already has a plan on how to propose. So anytime we go on vacation or have a date night, I'm constantly wondering, it's tonight, the night that he proposes. There have been signs, but nothing concrete. I do believe that he wants to propose and that he is thinking about it, but it feels like everyone around me is getting engaged or married except me. I absolutely love and adore him and he is truly the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. My thoughts are, we already live together. We already both have good jobs. We know we love each other. Why not go ahead and make it official? My best friend recently got engaged and I definitely have fomo. What do you think I should do?

[B]

This is a more serious one. So let me answer this. Hold on, let me just. You go ahead and give your input.

[A]

This is a two parter. Number one, don't rush into getting engaged because Oftentimes that will lead to a divorce. Number two, that's actually a three parter. Number two, if there's a reason you haven't gotten engaged, I'm not trying to make you worry, but maybe there's a reason. Maybe y' all should sit down and have a talk.

[B]

That's what I was gonna say. Because it sounds like everything's going good. Everything's going right. She knows she loves him, he knows she knows he loves her.

[A]

But there's something holding them back.

[B]

No, I don't even. I don't even know that it's that. I just think a conversation is needed.

[A]

But you know what? Could you imagine how embarrassing that conversation would be for him? And that's the whole point.

[B]

Yeah. And maybe that's what it takes. But they're already doing everything that a married couple would do. I don't understand why people don't pop the question.

[A]

We talked about this last episode, like, Proposal, Tick Tocks.

[B]

That's just too.

[A]

It's like, get the hint.

[B]

I know, but, like, let's get the hint by having a conversation. I think. Okay, but I just think that, like, I talked about this last episode, like, when you know, you know, and it sounds like he knows and she knows. So, like, I guess she's just waiting. And I would say the other part of this is my best advice is don't get FOMO when everybody else gets married.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because God's timing's always right.

[A]

Amen.

[B]

And it sounds like they believe they would believe in Jesus.

[A]

Amen, Brother Landon.

[B]

Yeah, so.

[A]

So y' all need to have a talk.

[B]

Patience also is. Patience is a virtue. I don't have patience. I do have patience.

[A]

I don't either, but I'm good at giving advice but not taking my own, so you should have patience.

[B]

I just think that a conversation is needed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyways, that's it for Cousin Council today.

[B]

Oh, is that all of them? I didn't even hit my gavel. Hold on.

[A]

Oh, well, Landon's not even adjourned the court.

[B]

I'm drinking on the job, actually.

[A]

You're going to get disbarred anyways. Jinx.

[B]

Pinch Poke.

[A]

Yummy.

[B]

A Coke Tusha. Floor. Yummy.

[A]

Four. That's not right. Yummy. Sprite. Anyways, well, we hope you guys enjoyed Cousin Council and the this episode of the podcast. We tried to make this one longer for you because we always get comments saying, make it longer. So I hope you guys enjoyed. Make sure you're following us on all of our social pages.

[B]

Subscribe.

[A]

Subscribe to the YouTube. I'm going to start vlogging on my personal channel. So I'm going to put my YouTube down in the description box and I

[B]

already vlog every day. You can find that on my Snapchat.

[A]

Yeah. So go follow us on Snapchat, subscribe to my YouTube, do all the things, and we'll see you next week. Yes. Love you.

[B]

Bye. Love you. Bye.