Southern Baptist Potluck

Summary

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Bloodline Banter – “Southern Baptist Potluck”

Podcast: Bloodline Banter
Hosts: Landon & Riley
Date: May 28, 2026
Episode Summary by 2M Media Group

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Overview

In “Southern Baptist Potluck,” Landon and Riley take listeners on a spontaneous, freewheeling journey through their Southern culinary memories, small-town restaurant stories, family quirks, and church potluck politics. True to their bantering style, the co-hosts bounce between personal anecdotes, food fiascos, nostalgic recaps, and an interactive Q&A, all peppered with their trademark Southern humor and self-deprecating charm.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sleep Scores, Coffee Drama, and Cowboy Colostrum

Timestamps: 00:08–03:26

• The episode opens with the co-hosts comparing sleep scores and sharing tales of disrupted nights (“My sleep score is 77.” – Landon, 00:27).
• Riley laments about a disappointing batch of Nescafe, leading to a switch to Starbucks instant coffee. Both reminisce about the joys (and necessities) of morning caffeine.
• Cowboy Colostrum – a supplement both take in their coffee – is hailed for its taste and touted benefits: improved digestion, immune support, skin and hair health. They share their discount code for listeners.

“It helps with bloating, digestion, immune system… I mean, it helps with skin. Skin. Oh, my skin. I mean, y’all can see it, everything.” – Landon, 02:18

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2. The True Meaning of Mexican Restaurants

Timestamps: 03:26–07:00

• Both reminisce about eating “cheese dip” (not queso!) in small-town Mexican joints, insisting that real cheese dip “needs to have a film on top if it sits there for more than two minutes.” (Riley, 03:55)
• A recent Nashville restaurant visit serves as a launching pad for bathroom horror stories (raw chicken and food poisoning) and a universal gripe against unruly kids in public.
• They recall their grandmas’ direct approaches and unique reactions to disruptive diner neighbors.

“If it sits there for longer than two minutes, it needs to have a film on top of it.” – Landon, 03:55
“She was like, ‘Yeah, yeah, bet you are. Yeah, Betty will cut you.’” – Riley, 07:25

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3. Growing Up Thick – Fashion Grievances and Snack Innovations

Timestamps: 07:00–09:44

• Laugh-out-loud debate on department store clothing sections for “short and thick” people (“I’m not tall, I’m just thick. They should have a small and thick section at all department stores.” – Riley, 08:30).
• The hosts trade recipes for Rolos on pretzels and sugar cookies.
• Pizza preferences are debated – particularly the universal lack of good marinara – and listeners are offered a discount on Sunrise Flour.

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4. Hometown Pizza Wars & Small-Town Dynamics

Timestamps: 09:44–12:41

• The Pizza Hut in their hometown closed down, sparking a rundown of competing pizza and Mexican joints: “The only two things there are to eat in a small town is pizza and Mexican.” (Landon, 10:16)
• They marvel at businesses endlessly recycled in small buildings—Papa John’s replaces a vape shop, which previously was a pawn shop, etc.
• “Doesn’t matter what you put in a Pizza Hut, it always still looks like a Pizza Hut.”

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5. Salad Bars, Bagels, and Southern Food Hierarchy

Timestamps: 12:41–15:05, 32:05–34:50

• Both wax poetic about salad bars (“I know I’m thick with three Cs, but I’ll fuck up a salad bar.” – Riley, 12:45) and trash-talk croutons, with Riley’s failed crouton love attributed to strong gummed grandparents.
• The distinct local salad toppings (“I like a sunflower seed on mine.” – Riley, 14:44).
• Adventures in bagel-eating: NYC bagel stories, preferred fillings, and tales of Doordash delivery quirks and small frustrations.

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6. Organized Sports & Small-Town Upbringings

Timestamps: 15:09–18:16

• Both recall brief, ignominious little league baseball stints. Landon excelled (“varsity in the sixth grade”) but hated the regiment. Riley jokes that “all fat people are catchers.”
• General dislike for authority and plans – “I hate answering to people. I don’t like having to ask for permission when I want to do something.” (Riley, 17:46)

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7. Life Without a Plan: The Joys (and Trials) of Non-Traditional Careers

Timestamps: 17:26–20:30

• Both express visceral aversion to bosses and “traditional” work schedules. They prefer spontaneous travel and life without a set plan.
• Pet peeves: misleading “free” resume and trial services that require payment info upfront.

“A free trial ain’t free. These people are scamming the hell out of us. Why do I have to put my card information in before my free trial starts? …It should be after my free trial starts.” – Landon, 19:44

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8. Gym Memberships & Subscription Headaches

Timestamps: 20:40–21:25

• Extended takedown of major gym chains’ intentionally difficult cancellation processes.
• “Work out anytime, y’all are the worst bitches in America to cancel a gym membership…” – Riley, 20:40

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9. Childhood Shenanigans & Early Internet Fame

Timestamps: 21:41–23:38

• Sharing stories about goofing off for passing cars, Facebook skits as “The Southern Brothers,” and Riley’s self-proclaimed prowess at scrubbing evidence from the internet.
• Riley’s skills at social ‘sleuthing’ (“Give me 10 minutes and a Diet Coke and I’ll tell you what they had for dinner three weeks ago on a Monday.” – Riley, 23:07)

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10. Small-Town Gossip & Relationship Karma

Timestamps: 23:14–24:13, 50:01–51:39

• The duo discusses a cheating scandal among friends, sharing their hardline anti-cheater stances.
• Later, during “Cousin Council,” they validate (even encourage) “homie hopping” when someone’s been mistreated.

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11. Potluck Decorum & the Southern Baptist Food Hierarchy

Timestamps: 23:57–27:17

• The heart of the episode: rules and rituals around church potlucks (“I will not eat from anybody’s house unless I know what they look like.” – Riley, 23:57).
• Legendary recipes and church ladies remembered: Aunt Deb’s seven layer salad, Jenny Merle’s “blueberry yum yum,” and matriarchal baked goods.

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12. Classic Southern Women & Church Politics

Timestamps: 27:17–30:27

• Recollections of Southern women’s church status, changes in women’s roles, and the decline of homemade over catered dishes (“If your church caters—don’t invite me.” – Riley, 27:44).
• Banter about appropriate churchwear and the Pentecostal/Baptist divide.

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13. The Starving Marvin Rating System

Timestamps: 28:43–29:39

• Iconic inside joke: how “starving” they are is rated by “Marvin,” “Joanna,” “Cletus,” and “Jebediah,” with each name indicating an increasing degree of hunger.

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14. Food, Drink, and Drinking Stories

Timestamps: 29:43–34:50

• Tales of tipsy nights at events, scheduling bagel deliveries, Doordash etiquette, and NYC food adventures.
• “If my bagel ain’t got mayonnaise, it’s not worth it.” – Riley, 34:39

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15. Hot Takes & The Office

Timestamps: 35:07–35:25

• Riley admits: “I don’t think The Office is a funny TV show. It looks like it was filmed on a Blackberry phone and looked like it was filmed on a microwave.”

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16. Weather Woes & Upcoming Podcast Guest

Timestamps: 35:41–36:47

• Memorial Day plans foiled by rain; decision to sit tight due to podcasting commitments.
• Exclusive Reveal: Abby Lee Miller will be a guest on an upcoming episode.

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17. Dynamic Duo: Friendship, Sibling Energy, and Petty Fights

Timestamps: 36:47–39:02

• They clarify their dynamic for listeners: yes, they’re mean to each other, but that’s how siblings are—and only to each other (“If y’all seen us unfiltered, y’all’d never watch this again…” – Riley, 37:11).

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18. Southern Saints: Leanne Morgan and Dolly Parton

Timestamps: 39:02–40:27

• Landon’s “unrealistic” dream president: Leanne Morgan. Riley second’s Dolly Parton for queen of America (“Make the United States a monarchy and make Dolly Parton the queen.” – Riley, 39:54).
• Loving odes to their comfort celebrities—Leanne’s sayings and tote bags are prized, and Dolly’s iconic status is sacred (“I would literally give my life to see her.” – Riley, 40:23).

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19. Interactive Segment: Bloodline Brain Check

Timestamps: 40:41–46:12

• Playful, competitive trivia: planets, grammar, math, and historical facts.
• Memorable exchange:
  • “Who was the 16th president?”
  • “Abraham Lincoln.”
  • “I didn’t even know Abraham Lincoln was a president.” (43:31)

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20. Cousin Council: Listener Submissions

Timestamps: 46:35–51:39

• Judging real-life listener drama: unmanageable students, wild breakup stories (notably, a homemade wooden dildo—“That literally…I don’t know what to tell you there, girlfriend. I think you’re better off single.” – Riley, 49:47), and justified revenge on rude exes.

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21. Announcements, Merch, and Meet & Greet

Timestamps: 52:10–53:06

• Merch is on the way—listeners are encouraged to sign up for release notifications.
• First meet & greet will be held in Fayette, AL, at Big Juicy Fashions on June 20 (10am–2pm).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “A covered dish is like, I will bark like a dog, bitch.” – Riley (24:15)
• “We’ve been entertainers for a long time.” – Landon (22:10)
• “If you’re a cheater, fuck you.” – Riley (23:31)
• “Make the United States a monarchy and make Dolly Parton the queen.” – Riley (39:54)
• “Work out anytime, y’all are the worst bitches in America to cancel a gym membership.” – Riley (20:40)
• “If my bagel ain’t got mayonnaise, it’s not worth it.” – Riley (34:39)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:08 – Morning check-in, sleep scores
• 01:03 – Coffee woes, cowboy colostrum health talk
• 03:26 – Small town Mexican food and “cheese dip” vs “queso”
• 07:00 – Short and thick fashion griping
• 09:44 – Hometown pizza wars
• 12:41 – Praise for salad bars, crouton debate
• 15:09 – Little league baseball stories
• 17:26 – Hating traditional jobs, spontaneous vacations
• 19:44 – Rant about fake “free” trials and resumes
• 20:40 – Gym membership cancellation struggles
• 21:41 – Childhood pranks and old Facebook “fame”
• 23:14 – Cheating scandal: “If you’re a cheater, fuck you.”
• 23:57 – Southern Baptist potluck rules
• 27:44 – Why church catering is unacceptable
• 28:43 – Starving Marvin to Jebediah: hunger rating system
• 32:05 – Food ordering, Doordash stories
• 35:07 – Hot take: The Office isn’t funny
• 36:47 – Announcement: Abby Lee Miller will guest
• 39:02 – Leanne Morgan & Dolly Parton worship
• 40:41 – Bloodline Brain Check (trivia game)
• 46:35 – Cousin Council submissions
• 52:10 – Merch and meet & greet announcement

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Closing Remarks

True to its title, “Southern Baptist Potluck” delivers a buffet of laughs, nostalgia, and community—a hearty mix of food talk, Southern wit, and friendly chaos. Whether growing up “short and thick,” navigating church politics, or roasting gym chains, Landon and Riley keep the energy high and the banter rolling. Stay tuned for the next episode, with special guest Abby Lee Miller, and don’t miss their first meet & greet in Alabama!

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Transcript

[A]

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Bloodline Banter. I'm Landon.

[B]

And I'm Riley.

[A]

And here we are.

[B]

Here we are. We got a good one for you today, folks.

[A]

How'd you sleep last night?

[B]

I slept good. My sleep score was like a 78. But I had like, I dreamed all night and I like, I woke up at like 4 o' clock and I was able to pick back up on my dream whenever I was done.

[A]

Don't you like it when you can

[B]

pick back up on. I love it because I want to finish the plot.

[A]

My sleep score is 77.

[B]

Mine was like a 76.

[A]

I think forgot to cut my sleep mode on on my phone last night. And at 4:29 this morning, I get a Snapchat.

[B]

Landon was late to his office hours

[A]

and it woke me up and then I was up and then I fell back asleep for a couple hours and it was all, well with the world.

[B]

Yeah, it's all been good over here.

[A]

What are we talking about today?

[B]

You know, we don't have this episode planned out whatsoever. So just whatever comes to my mind is what we're going to talk about. I don't know, actually.

[A]

Okay. Well, did you make your coffee this morning or no?

[B]

I did make my coffee this morning. It was really good. You know, I had to switch instant coffees because the one, the Nescafe that I always use was like, it just tasted super burned. So I opened up another one and it still tasted burnt. So I went down to the K. Rogers, the Kroger, and I got some Starbucks instant coffee.

[A]

And was it better?

[B]

Tasted like wellness in the world.

[A]

Nescafe's never done me dirty.

[B]

You know, it's never done me dirty either. Nescafe, if you're watching, I still love you, but I think I got a bad batch. And because they come. Starbucks tastes like a Marlboro Menthol Lot 100.

[A]

And it does. And it will make you over a 10 rail fence.

[B]

No, no. 14 rail fins.

[A]

15.

[B]

18 maybe.

[A]

Oh. Anyways, yeah, I made my coffee this morning. You know what I've been doing? I've been putting cowboy colostrum in my coffee every morning.

[B]

I love that stuff and I know it has health benefits, but just the fact that it tastes like a vanilla milkshake to me. Isn't it?

[A]

It is so, so good. I'm telling you, this cowboy colostrum. It's colostrum and it's 100% bovine.

[B]

Colostrum. Yeah, colostrum. It comes from a cow after they have their calf. The calf Needs the first colostrum.

[A]

Yeah, well, so do we.

[B]

Everybody didn't grow up on a farm.

[A]

No, we. We. You know, we grew up. Like we've been growed up. Like, having growed up. Yeah, we've been growing up having that. Anyways. But anyways, I just put a scoop of it in my coffee every morning. Or do you. You put it in your coffee, too? Yeah, and it helps with bloating, digestion, immune system. I mean, it helps with skin. Skin. Oh, my skin. I mean, y' all can see it, everything.

[B]

It is so good.

[A]

And for the ladies. The ladies like to use it for their hail. Their. Their hair growth and nail. Nail growth. I don't really need that. But, you know, I could deal with

[B]

some hair grudge because I am balding.

[A]

I have the worst digestion in America.

[B]

Yeah, we'll get to that.

[A]

I have to have a ton.

[B]

Our viewers can go to cowboycolostrum.com forward/banter or use code banter at checkout for 25 off your entire order.

[A]

So go get good stuff. They have vanilla, vanilla, strawberry, and y' all seen us put it in our videos. I make a coffee with it all the time on my tick tock. And y' all have seen me put that scoop of stuff in there, and y' all are always asking if I have a discount code. I do now. It's banter. 20 or banter.

[B]

It's just banter.

[A]

It's just banter. For 25 off, it'll make you go, we, we. Yeah, it'll make it so good.

[B]

But speaking of digestion, we went to a Mexican restaurant yesterday because let me tell y' all something right now. I grew up in a town of 5, 000 people, and when we eat Mexican food, we eat cheese dip. We don't call it queso. No, it ain't queso.

[A]

The cheese dip's not looking like Elmer's glue. It ain't real.

[B]

I spelled queso with a K until the twelf and did. And I just need something that looks like Elmer's glue whenever I go to dip my chip in. If it sits there for longer than two minutes, it needs to have a film on top of it.

[A]

A film on the top of it.

[B]

And listen, I love the authentic stuff, but that's all you can find here in Nashville because it's the city and you can't find white people Mexican here. But we went to a place last night, and it was good. We knew it was gonna be good because we walked in the air conditioner Wasn't working.

[A]

No, it was hotter than hell in there. And the sweet tea was so good.

[B]

I had humidity. By the time we got our chips and sals.

[A]

I'm telling you, he was sweating.

[B]

It was bad.

[A]

But anyways, Landon got.

[B]

I got. What did I get?

[A]

You got chimichangas.

[B]

Oh, that chimichanga was good as shit. But I also get the chimichangas with no vegetables you can't deal with. I don't fuck with a grilled tomato.

[A]

No, I got fajitas.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And I got chicken, steak, and shrimp and.

[B]

You got shrimp?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't get to try shrimp.

[A]

And the chicken was.

[B]

Speaking of shrimp.

[A]

Okay, go ahead and fix it. Listen, the chicken was raw.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

My whole oh, shit, Riley's fault feel. It's completely under your seat. Anyways, the chicken was a little bit raw, I think, and I knew that when it came out, it just wasn't cooked to my liking. And y', all, I. My dumb ass ate a piece of that chicken, and by the time I walked out of there, I could have bent over and should have.

[B]

You knew it was raw.

[A]

Out of my asshole.

[B]

You knew it was raw before you ate.

[A]

Just looked raw.

[B]

I remember there used to be a show and they had a song.

[A]

I got food poison. I'm here now, I'm cured now, because I should have.

[B]

I don't remember what show it was, but I remember they had a song that was like, lunch can be brown, lunch can be yellow. I hope I don't get salmonella.

[A]

I got it last night.

[B]

Yeah. Listen, by the end of that chimichanga, I was in the bathroom holding on for dear life. I literally had to go into the ADA stall so I could hold on to the rail.

[A]

You were handicapped, which.

[B]

That was the only bathroom in there. It was the only stall in there, so it was automatically that one. But I was holding on for dear life. Anyways.

[A]

Well, I have another story to tell about that same exact situation.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I sit down in my booth, and out of all the places in this whole entire restaurant.

[B]

Oh, hell fire. Save the matches, fuck a duck and see what hatches.

[A]

Out of all. Say that. That make me giggle. Out of all the places we could have been sitting in that restaurant, we got set beside a wild ass child that would not quit beating the hell out of the back of my booth.

[B]

Beat the shit out of that bed.

[A]

You could hear it. I mean, it was like, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[B]

Sounded like a dam High school marching band.

[A]

I mean, hell, and I. I beat it back I. That's what I did. I. I hate that. And I. And that's just a testament to why I say I'm never having kids.

[B]

Funny story. My nana, we always talk about Nana, and someone commented on the last podcast and said we needed to have our grandma's on.

[A]

And my grandma's on ox.

[B]

Well, my grandma's just crazy as. But I love her to death. And one time we were in the Mexican restaurant back home. And also, let me just say this. If y' all are from our hometown, you can't beat the El Trio.

[A]

No, you can't. You can't beat it with a stick. You can't beat it with a stick. You can't beat it with anything.

[B]

You can't beat it with a rod or a staff.

[A]

You can't beat it with a fly swatter.

[B]

No, not even a back scratcher. Anyways, I commented that on a Facebook post yesterday, and the manager of El Trio, Theresa, she loved my comment. Hey, speaking of, what have you said

[A]

about your nana, though?

[B]

If somebody's beating on her booth, she'll, like, lean forward and throw. We were in there with her whole ass back into that booth. And then whenever they get up one time, a man was like, I'm so sorry, ma'. Am.

[A]

She was like, yeah, yeah, bet you are. Yeah, Betty will cut you.

[B]

We probably got our case, though, with a case bit in.

[A]

Anyways, what were you saying before that?

[B]

About what?

[A]

I don't know. You were going on to another story about.

[B]

What was I talking about? What were we talking about?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't remember.

[A]

What are we talking about today?

[B]

You know, every time I forget something, my grandparents look at me and be like, you know, it ain't gonna get any better.

[A]

Well, if it gets any worse, Riley's gonna have dementia.

[B]

If it gets any worse, put me in damn shady shoals.

[A]

I mean, hell.

[B]

I mean, hell. And give me a lunch every three hours, because I am.

[A]

You'll forget to eat.

[B]

I'm going to have dementia.

[A]

He will. And he's hard of hearing.

[B]

He can't forget to eat.

[A]

Yeah, bitch.

[B]

I ain't never gonna forget to eat. Let me tell you. I don't know if this shirt has gotten tighter or if I have gotten larger, but it was. I had to put my arms in it and go like this.

[A]

You had to bend down and put it over your knees.

[B]

No, I don't do that, because I'm not. I'm not tall. I'm just thick.

[A]

They have a tall. And did they have a Short and thick section at the clothing stores.

[B]

No, it's just big and tall.

[A]

They should have.

[B]

This is my official petition to start a small and thick section at all department stores. Because all of us big people are not tall.

[A]

No.

[B]

Half of the big people I know are short and fat.

[A]

And that's why they look bigger, because it's a little bit short.

[B]

And they think because if you're fat, you have to be tall. Like big and tall. No, bitch, I'm short and fat. I'm like a rolo up in this bitch.

[A]

At least rolos tastes good.

[B]

Hey, I fuck up a rolo. You ever had a rolo on a pretzel?

[A]

Mm. You ever had a rolo in the middle of a sugar cookie?

[B]

No, but I'd love to try it.

[A]

Well, we're gonna try it.

[B]

We should make some sugar cookies with our Sunrise flour.

[A]

Oh, that's a good idea. Speaking of Sunrise flour, Riley was craving a pizza this morning. So I guess we're gonna go back and make a pizza.

[B]

I do. Speaking of pizza, we'll go ahead and finish this because I gotta tell a story.

[A]

Oh, I was just saying I'm not a fan of pizza because I don't like pizza sauce. But I'm gonna make it with that flourish. I'm that dope.

[B]

We're trying with Alfredo sauce. But our viewers can go to sunriseflowermeal.com banter and get 20% off their entire order or use code banter at checkout. It is the best flour ever. And it's organic, so you know what you're putting in your body.

[A]

Yeah, and Raleigh said he'd never try some organic flour, but it's good.

[B]

Listen, I don't like organic stuff.

[A]

It comes from the United States of America and you can't get no better than that.

[B]

Amen.

[A]

Amen.

[B]

Anyway, sunrise flower meal.com forward/banter.

[A]

Speaking of, we've talked about this a whole bunch too. If y' all ain't got it yet, you're just missing out.

[B]

Yeah. Speaking of pizza, the Pizza Hut in our hometown closed down.

[A]

Lord, it was about time. That thing, I mean.

[B]

Well, hell, you tell you why it closed down. Because there is four pizza restaurants. Listen, if you're from small town America, small town Georgia in particular, you know that the only damn thing you got a booger.

[A]

I think I did, but I don't know if I've had a booger this whole episode. Just ignore everybody.

[B]

Anyways, you know that the only two things there are to eat in a small town is pizza and Then Mexican. There is a Mexican restaurant every 25ft in our hometown.

[A]

Yeah. And there's a pizza restaurant.

[B]

And there is on Main Street. It's called North Main Street.

[A]

Hell, why are you naming the name of the restaurant?

[B]

Because it's. I don't know.

[A]

Okay, details to the story there.

[B]

I literally am about to call it Pizza Alley.

[A]

I mean, hell, there is a go through.

[B]

There's pizza on the left side of the road. Oh, he's right next to Taco Bell.

[A]

What? Latitude and longitude.

[B]

You know, I didn't check that. There is a Little Caesars right across the road. There used to be a vape shop, but they turned the vape shop into a Papa John's. Papa John's?

[A]

Well, it was. Before it was a vape shop, it was a tidal pond. And before it was a tidal pond, it was a Papa John's. It was Papa John's.

[B]

So they just reinvented the wheel. Yeah, put Papa John's right back in there. And so Papa John's go on down the road and then there's a Pizza Hut on the right.

[A]

Uhhuh.

[B]

And then going down the road some more, there's a little local pizza restaurant called Crushed Tomato. And then there's another pizza restaurant too. What is it?

[A]

Domino's.

[B]

Domino's Domino on the left. It's in the old Sonic building.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm telling you, the only thing I've ever seen a Sonic turned into is the chocolate monkey and pigeon.

[A]

Forge.

[B]

Forge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've never even been there.

[A]

Well, they. They destroyed that sonic and rebuilt it.

[B]

Listen, I wonder what the.

[A]

What is your favorite pizza restaurant, by the way?

[B]

I don't even like pizza.

[A]

I don't either, really. But we're gonna make some today. Because I'm gonna make it without. It's not that I don't like pizza, it's that I don't like marinara. I'm not a fan of marinara. Okay, So I put Alfredo sauce on my pizza.

[B]

I wonder what they're gonna turn that Pizza Hut into. Because listen, a Pizza Hut. You just know that it doesn't matter what the hell you put in that Pizza Hut. You're always gonna be able to look at it and tell that it was a Pizza Hut.

[A]

Just like you're always gonna be able to tell. That was a Denny's. That was a Shoney. Was a sh.

[B]

Hey, I. I bet they put like a tide upon in there.

[A]

I don't know. Let you want to open a business up in there. What we going to open?

[B]

What Are we going to open?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Bloodline banter. Live in the Pizza Hut. Hey, the Pizza Put. Pizza P. The Pizza Hut used to be good. They used to have a banging ass salad bar. And listen, I know I'm thick.

[A]

Hey, the pizza out here in Nashville's good. I'd be door dashing out.

[B]

Oh, I know that I'm thick with three Cs, but let me tell you something. I fuck up a salad bar.

[A]

I love a salad.

[B]

I do too.

[A]

But it's the time we get done making our salad.

[B]

It has no nutritional value.

[A]

Iceberg lettuce, about 10 pounds of cheese, about 14 pieces of croutons, bacon bits, some ranch. Riley's about to ruin everybody's mood and ruin my mood and ruin everybody's life because he don't fuck with a crouton.

[B]

I don't fuck with a krouton. I'm sorry, I just don't.

[A]

How do you not?

[B]

The only way I fuck with a crouton is them Texas croutons.

[A]

The only way you should not like a crouton is just if you ain't got no teeth and you have to gum it.

[B]

Hey, listen, my paw ain't had no teeth for 40 years and them gums

[A]

are hard as hell.

[B]

One time, my paw, he hadn't. I swear he hadn't had any teeth for like as long as I've been alive. 23 years. And they buried my house, his house one time because they got a new one, they got a new trailer and they buried the house in the front yard. He buried his teeth in the house. He hadn't had any teeth since then.

[A]

They dug a hole that big he hadn't had.

[B]

It's probably against the law. So if you're the sheriff and you're too late now. Nah, it's supposed to be.

[A]

It's past the statute of limitations. Amen.

[B]

Statue of Liberty done exit the building.

[A]

But the Statue of Liberty.

[B]

Yeah, it sounded right. I swear to you, the. My pawpaw can eat a damn. He could crack a crab leg with his damn gums.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That's what happens when you ain't got no teeth for years.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, them. Damn.

[A]

Anyways, I'm just saying that's the only way somebody shouldn't like a crouton is if they ain't got no teeth.

[B]

You know what I do like for a little crunch?

[A]

You're gonna say a cracker.

[B]

No, the. I ain't. Who the hell. Crackers are for tuna and chicken salad.

[A]

You're Right.

[B]

I've never understood. Or oysters.

[A]

That sounds good. Kinda.

[B]

Landon likes them. Char grilled. I like them raw.

[A]

I like them raw too, but I can only handle about four of them at a time because they.

[B]

Sometimes you get. It just tastes like a big booger sometimes. What was I saying? Oh, I like a sunflower seed on mine.

[A]

Do you like them? Why?

[B]

I don't know. It just kind of gives a little bit of crunch.

[A]

So does a crouton.

[B]

I love a sunflower seed. If you ever do need to.

[A]

I was eating sunflower seeds last night before bed and the best flavor is the Taco Bell Supreme.

[B]

No, it's not. Yes, it is.

[A]

The ranch is the black number one, but. Yes, but a Taco Bell supreme sunflower seed is good. Or in. Hell yeah.

[B]

I fuck up a sunflower seat, let me tell you. I should have been in the mlb.

[A]

What. What position would you have played?

[B]

Shortstop.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because I'm short and I stop because I don't fucking run. I don't know. I played baseball whenever it was diaper league and I played the pitcher circle.

[A]

You know, people actually don't know this about me, but I used to play baseball and I was a damn good baseball player.

[B]

You were good at baseball, but you didn't play because you didn't like the coach.

[A]

I didn't like the coaches. I never liked a coach. And I. Because I hate people. Tell me what to do.

[B]

I do too, bitch.

[A]

And I already knew what to do because my daddy was a coach. You know, my daddy was like. Like he tried out for the Braves. Like, we. We was. We was good, you know?

[B]

You know, people often ask me

[A]

what.

[B]

I don't remember what we're talking about. Baseball dementia.

[A]

People often ask you, if you had to play a sport, what would it be?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh. Anyways, I'll finish myself. Well, I forgot I was a damn good baseball player. I played my little heart out. And I mean, I made varsity in the sixth grade.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And it was good. And I hated it.

[B]

He played catcher.

[A]

I was a catcher. And low key, though. Like, I played third base, I played second base, I played outfield. I locked it in center field because that's where got the most action. I feel like if they put you in the outfield, you're just bad. Middle school.

[B]

What position do you think I'd play? I feel like all fat people are catchers.

[A]

No, not.

[B]

No.

[A]

Your knees would give out.

[B]

Or first base.

[A]

First base.

[B]

I up first base.

[A]

You got to be able to stretch and you're probably pretty Flexible.

[B]

I'm flexible. Put me on first base. Put me on third base. I will stretch out, do the splits and catch that from second.

[A]

And I'm faster than lightning.

[B]

Let me tell you something. I'm going to be honest. I'm pretty fast to be fat. Okay.

[A]

You're. You're quick.

[B]

I am.

[A]

You're the flash.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Lightning McQueen.

[B]

Hey, don't mention cars. Now you text. Does my guilty pleasure show. I watched McQueen. We were 27 years old. I don't care.

[A]

Well, I'm looking back at our messages and I thought you text me some stuff we were going to talk about today. And. And then I can't find it.

[B]

I did, because me and Landon were on FaceTime last night and we were talking about. What are we going to talk about?

[A]

Oh, I know what it is. A resume, y'. All.

[B]

Oh, I remember what I was gonna say. People often ask me what I would do if social media didn't work out. And I'm just gonna be honest with you. I don't know because I have been working for myself for so long. I think if I had to have a boss, it wouldn't work. I would die.

[A]

Yeah, me, I feel the same way, y'. All.

[B]

I hate answering to people. I don't like having to ask for permission when I want to do something. Like, I don't in any circumstance. Like, if I decide. Me and Landon often.

[A]

That's why I ain't never getting married.

[B]

Me and Landon. Me, too. Me and Landon often plan our vacations like a week before they leave.

[A]

We actually planned one last night that was. We're leaving on July 15th to go down to the. The Orange Beach, Alabama.

[B]

Yeah, but we hadn't booked a hotel yet.

[A]

No. We'll book it a week before we go.

[B]

Yeah, but I don't. Listen, I don't fuck with asking.

[A]

That's how we love y'. All. That's why we love y'. All. Yes.

[B]

So smash that subscribe button. I love you out so bad.

[A]

It hurts so bad. It's awful. What were we talking about before that? A resume.

[B]

That's what my biggest pet peeve is. Whenever you look up something online and you're like, free resume maker or free trial something, and I log into that shit, and I spend 13 years and 14 hours trying to figure out what the hell I've done for a living. My grandparents owned a trucking company, and every job I have ever applied to, I have put on a resume that I was the office manager at Wilson Trucking, and I wasn't I was not the office manager at Wilson Trucking. My nana had. She turned her closet into an office, her extra closet into an office in the guest bedroom. And I would tell everybody that I was an office manager at Wilson Trucking.

[A]

And you weren't.

[B]

Hell, no. I slept on. I was in.

[A]

The phone number you put on there was bananas.

[B]

And I told her. I was like, hey, if somebody calls you asking if I'm good for a job, just tell them yes.

[A]

Well, I've done the same thing. My parents on a meat processing company, and I have been a meat butcher. I've been an office manager. I've been a cashier.

[B]

I've been. I'm a jack of all trades. And my biggest pet peeve is whenever you log in, spend 14 hours on a resume or something else, and you finish, it tells you it's free, and then it wants you to pay 3.95 to get your resume.

[A]

Well, let me take it a step further. A free trial ain't free. These people out here are scamming the hell out of us. Why do I have to put my card information in before my free trial starts? It should be after my free trial starts.

[B]

Yes, it should.

[A]

Don't charge me 7.99amonth and say I get a free trial. If I've had to pay that $7.99. You know, I ain't never checked to see if it went back on my card.

[B]

I do. You know, my other biggest pet peeve is whenever I sign up for a free trial, and I really do like the product, but I only needed it for one thing, and I forget to cancel that shit. And that's why they got vacation from Wells Fargo in a week that says you've been charged 49.99 for resume plus dot com. Or that ain't even real, but some bullshit.

[A]

I mean, I have to. I have a couple of apps on my phone. I don't need it all the time, but I need it, like, maybe once every three months.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I. I just keep paying for that shit. I need to cancel it.

[B]

I have had the same gym membership. Oh, hell, get that. Canceled for three years. Because let me tell you something. Work out anytime. Y' all are the worst bitches in America. To cancel a gym membership and call

[A]

them out, you have to pretty much

[B]

ask for fucking permission. But, like, hi, I'm so sorry. I'm fat and don't come to the gym. Can I please cancel my membership?

[A]

And they're like, you have to pay

[B]

a membership fee, and then you have to talk to Jesus, and then you have to talk to the president of the. And get approval from Congress before you can cancel your membership.

[A]

And.

[B]

And it's.

[A]

And they've got it that way because they want your money. And so if you're Planet Fitness or Crunch Fitness or Orange Theory or any other. Any other gym out there that would like to sponsor a podcast, hit us up. Because workout anytime can kiss my ass.

[B]

I don't fuck with you, Work.

[A]

If I can't go in on the website and hit cancel subscription or don't

[B]

ask me no questions, I don't want it to be like, why are you canceling? No, because I don't fucking come.

[A]

No, I don't want to go. I would rather go to the Krispy Kreme. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, that just.

[A]

I've not been there in a long time.

[B]

Do you remember whenever we were. Whose hair is this?

[A]

Really? That's long.

[B]

Well, I was unfamiliar that I had a Rapunzel in my damn apartment, but do you remember whenever we used to go to Pigeon Forge and we would go to Krispy Kreme with Mike, and we would get two dozen Krispy Kreme

[A]

in the van and we would eat all of them? No.

[B]

We would roll down the window and, like, show people going down the.

[A]

Oh, the hot sign. We'd be like, the hot sun's on.

[B]

And we'd get so many reactions.

[A]

Yeah, we would. We always get reactions.

[B]

We've been entertainers for a long time.

[A]

We've been entertainers for a long time. I remember we used to sit in my grandmother's. Or not sit. We used to fight each other in my grandmother's front front yard. So a car would drive by, and I'd be like, okay, Riley, knock me out. And he'd act like me.

[B]

We'd hit each other with sticks and.

[A]

And I'd fall out and act like. And cars would slow down and stop and be like, are you okay?

[B]

I forgot about that.

[A]

And we'd be like. I just act like knocked out.

[B]

Me and Landon also used to do skits on Facebook, and we called ourselves the Southern Brothers. Those are all deleted to not go.

[A]

Look, they were not going to be able to find them because I make sure I made sure they were scrubbed. If there's one person that can scrub the Internet, it is me. If I want a video gone, it will be gone.

[B]

Speaking of scrubbing the Internet, let me tell you something. I should have went to Quantico, because if you will tell, listen, my friends have often came to me and Said, hey, I'm going on a date with this person. I need to know everything about them. Give me 10 minutes and a Diet

[A]

Coke and you'll tell them.

[B]

I will tell you what they had for dinner three weeks ago on a

[A]

Monday, and you will. And speaking of this, they should have

[B]

put me in Quantico.

[A]

We figured out this morning one of our good friends is being cheated on. And they don't know it yet. They're actively figuring it out right now, but yeah. And I feel bad for the little girl that's cheating.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

She's a bitch I don't feel bad for, but she's gonna get her ass whooped.

[B]

Yeah. If you're a cheater, fuck you.

[A]

Viral podcast.

[B]

I swear, I love them.

[A]

Me too. If you don't watch the viral podcast, you can go watch how are you doing?

[B]

But, yeah, I just. I don't fuck with a cheater.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater.

[A]

Bitch. Me either.

[B]

What we're going to talk about. I forgot.

[A]

I don't know. You had a whole list and then you didn't. I think we were talking about a potluck or something.

[B]

Y', all, if you ever grew up in a Southern Baptist church or anything of the. Of the sort. I will not eat from anybody's house unless I know what they look like. But whenever I'm at church and we're having homecoming or something, and they say, bring a covered dish.

[A]

A covered dish is like, I will

[B]

bark like a dog, bitch.

[A]

A music to my ears. Brenda bringing in her chicken casserole. I mean, she must have stuck her ass in it or something. I mean, hell, they ain't never been a potluck. If you have a potluck, you invite me and I will come and I will bring a covered dish myself. Them old Southern Baptist women. Them old Southern women in general.

[B]

Ooh, that'll make you sing how great

[A]

thou art, baby, I'm telling you.

[B]

Do you remember Aunt Deb? Aunt Debbie strikes pasta salad or a seven layer salad. Oh, and before she passed to glory,

[A]

Jenny Merle used to make a blueberry. What was it called?

[B]

Cobbler.

[A]

No, it was like a blueberry.

[B]

Who was Jenny Merle?

[A]

She passed away.

[B]

Who's. She wrote three or four cookies for the church. Who was her husband? I forgot Clyde. No, no, that was Arnie.

[A]

Yeah. What was Jenny. What did Jenny want? A blueberry. What? I've got to call my mom. Call her right now. Entertained. Hold up. Okay.

[B]

I gotta keep you entertained. Listen, I love a potluck and if you bring any kind of potato, I'll kiss you on the mouth.

[A]

It was a blueberry something. Hold on, Jennifer. There's no telling what she's gonna say. Y' all just stand by.

[B]

Hello?

[A]

Hello. Hey, what are you doing?

[B]

Well, I got Papa Lo it, Terry Keely and your daddy, and I'm. We're going to baby Huey's to eat lunch.

[A]

Okay. Hey, I called to ask you. I'm recording an episode of the podcast right now, but what was that thing that Jenny Merle used to make and it was so good?

[B]

Blueberry. A blueberry yum yum.

[A]

Yeah, that's what it was.

[B]

Who was her husband.

[A]

What was her husband's name?

[B]

Cotton. Cotton. Okay.

[A]

That's right. That's right. He's still alive and kicking, right?

[B]

Yeah, he just now stopped driving and he's like 95. And she made the best food ever.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, well, that's what I wanted to know. I forgot what the name of I bought. Called it a blueberry custard, but I knew it wasn't that.

[B]

No, it was a blueberry yum yum.

[A]

Okay. All right, love you. Bye. Love you.

[B]

Bye. She sounded a little ill. She was

[A]

ill at the end of that call.

[B]

Anyways, my mom's bipolar, y'.

[A]

All. That probably pissed her off.

[B]

Listen, Cotton sits on, like, the fifth pew back in the middle, and he has the softest hands ever. No, that's Clyde. And. But Cotton does too. Yeah, and he is so nice. And he lives over next to my nana and we used to go over and carol to him around Christmas. Do you remember that? He lives on the little house on the road.

[A]

Can you imagine Rally and I rolling up to your front porch singing a Christmas carol?

[B]

Grandma got ran over by reindeer.

[A]

No, we had to sing like Silent Night. Anyways, blueberry yum yum.

[B]

Oh, it was so good.

[A]

Who else made good stuff?

[B]

Listen, I can't get over Deb's seven layer salad, But Aunt Deb passed away and her obituary is on my fridge. And I.

[A]

And she was a real one.

[B]

I still can't believe she's passed away. But, you know, if anybody would want us to talk about her on the podcast, she'd say, get your bag.

[A]

Yeah, she would. She would. What else? My nanny always made a banana pudding and ham and green beans.

[B]

Your nanny was the matriarch of the church. She would just make everything. Yeah, I'm telling you, we would have, like.

[A]

And then some of the women got lazy and started ordering from restaurants.

[B]

I remember they. Listen, if Your church caters. Don't invite me. I don't want it.

[A]

No, I don't want to cater.

[B]

Our old church used to have cake and coffee night on Wednesdays. And all the women of the church would make a cake and we'd eat coffee. We drink coffee.

[A]

You can't get any better than that.

[B]

Listen, if you and they judge the

[A]

piss out of you. When you left, if you wasn't wearing

[B]

a skirt, you were going to hell. Because back in the Baptist church, women did not wear pants. No, I remember my other grandma.

[A]

People still don't wear pants to my church.

[B]

Back in my hometown, my non is Pentecostal and they wear pants. Oh, my aunt Hope also preaches sometimes.

[A]

She will. She speaks.

[B]

She brings the word of God into your heart. And she can sing.

[A]

Anyways, what else are we going to talk about?

[B]

I don't really know.

[A]

Well, you. You had it planned out. You're the one who planned this episode. And you just shit the bed. You forgot everything we were going to talk about. I know what we can talk about. What we're going to eat after this.

[B]

I don't know that pizza.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I'm hungry.

[A]

I'm starving.

[B]

I'm Marvin. Should we tell that story?

[A]

Yeah, we can tell that story. Starving Marvin. So one time I said, I'm starving, Marvin. And I thought that was the same.

[B]

It's Starving Marvin. M A R B I N. You

[A]

know, I forgot the names. Marvin Star. I came up with a line, a system. And I was like, okay, if I'm

[B]

starving, this is how we tell how hungry we are.

[A]

Well, I'll look at Riley and be like, I'm Marvin. And he'll be like, okay, he's pretty hungry. And then what was the next Joanna? One time I was like, I'm starving, Joanna. And if I'm get to Joanna, I'm pretty damn hungry. You know? Like, I'm past Marvin. I need to eat. What was another Jebediah? No, Jebediah is way up there. Joanna.

[B]

We've not sent this to say the last one.

[A]

No, we can't. But Marvin. Starving, Marvin.

[B]

Starving Joanna. Yeah, that's Cletus. Starving. Cletus.

[A]

Cletus.

[B]

Cletus is like, I'm hungry, bitch.

[A]

Like, like, give me food or I'm hungry.

[B]

Pull off the first exit on the interstate immediately. Find me a Cracker barrel.

[A]

Find me a quick trip to get a taquita. I don't care what. I don't care what it is.

[B]

Find me a Hunts Brothers pizza, bitch. Oh, God. That'll make you pussy throb. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. But that'll make you horny.

[A]

You did not.

[B]

Just starving, Jebediah. Jebediah is like, if you don't pull

[A]

either eating or I'm killing somebody.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I don't remember the. The next one, but I remember it.

[A]

But we can't say it.

[B]

Yeah, but we're starving and then we're thirsty, Kirsty.

[A]

Yeah, if we're thirsty as hell, we're thirsty, Kirsty.

[B]

Yeah, anyways.

[A]

Yeah, anyways.

[B]

I don't really know.

[A]

I can't. I've not. We've not said that in a long time.

[B]

I know, because we hadn't been hungry because. Let me tell you something. Nashville's food game is on fleek.

[A]

It's good.

[B]

Speaking of food game, yesterday I found out I got a little liddy titty the night before last because we went to an event and they had drinks

[A]

and then free drinks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Surfsides.

[B]

I up open bar.

[A]

I mess up a Surfside.

[B]

That reminds me of that Madea episode, Madea Wedding or something. She's like, we have an open bar. And then bam goes, we'll be there.

[A]

I love Madea.

[B]

Anyways, I came home and tried my Starbucks instant coffee and I made an espresso Martinti.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I had about four. Oh, I slept like a rock.

[A]

I've not had one of those in about four days.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. What does Medea say whenever she's like,

[A]

the rock and the river.

[B]

Do you remember what I'm. What I'm thinking of?

[A]

Yes, but I don't know what you're talking about.

[B]

Shit.

[A]

Something. The rock and the river. We have to look it up.

[B]

Hold up, please.

[A]

Are you gonna say brief intermission? Wait, hold on. No, we have to figure this out. Hold up.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

Medea. The rock, the tree and the river.

[B]

I'm going to read a poem that was written by Maya Angelou. It's called the Rock, the Tree and the River Burn up in Hell. I'm going to read a poem that was written.

[A]

I can't read.

[B]

Okay, the rock, the Tree and the river. What are we talking about?

[A]

I don't even remember. Food. Yeah, you were talking about food. Food game in Nashville.

[B]

Oh, I found out that you could schedule a doordash order. And so at like 11 o', clock, I was like, damn, I want a bagel. And so I scheduled a bagel delivery for 9:40. And I woke up at 9:30, took my dog out. Whenever I got back, the damn bagel was at my door. Junior, the doordasher, dropped it off at my door.

[A]

My doordashers pissed me off.

[B]

They drop it in the lobby.

[A]

Yeah. And even though I'm tipping them to come up to my apartment door and drop it, and I give them the code to get up the elevator because our apartment complex is like Fort Knox because we have to be safe. And they drop that shit off.

[B]

And then doordash has the audacity to say, would you like to add an additional tip? Well, if Junior came up like I told him to, to drop off my food at my damn door. Yeah, I would.

[A]

I would. I'd add $40 extra on that. Hell yeah. 100.

[B]

But speaking of bagels, do you remember whenever we went to New York and we got a New York bagel and.

[A]

Yeah, there's.

[B]

And we stopped at a bagel restaurant and they definitely had cockroaches.

[A]

They definitely.

[B]

They failed their inspection. But let me tell you something. That bagel was so damn good.

[A]

And I did. I'd go back and eat it right now.

[B]

We threw half of it away.

[A]

Because we were full.

[B]

No, because we were going to go meet our friend at the other bagel, the coffee shop at ground Zero to go eat lunch, and we went and got pizza at Law Industria. Yeah, they follow me on Instagram.

[A]

Yeah. That bagel was the best damn bagel I've ever had. You know, I've been to a couple different bagel stores. We've been to Proper bagel. It's good.

[B]

I love proper bagel.

[A]

I went to Homewood Bagel the other day.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

With just went by myself. I went to Seven Brew and then I went to Homewood Bagel.

[B]

Appreciate.

[A]

But it wasn't here. It was in Alabama.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I went to.

[A]

And let me finish. The Homewood bagel was good, but the Seven Brew, I mean, hell, I couldn't even hear myself order because the music was blaring so damn.

[B]

Well, you know, Scholar said that in our last episode. I'm telling you, I've never been to Seven Brew.

[A]

It ain't what it's.

[B]

You know what? I love that the Dutch Bros. Okay. I don't understand why their logo is a windmill, though.

[A]

You know, I really just like. I love a Starbucks. I love a Seven Brew. Like Seven Bruise. Good. It was good.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

I had never been before. That was my first time going. So I don't think I ordered the right thing. And then I've never been to Dutch Bros.

[B]

I ordered The. I ordered from Ugly Bagel. It's. It's called Ugly Bagel Company. And it was good. I got a Philly cheesesteak bagel. Oh, that was good.

[A]

That's a lunch item, not a breakfast.

[B]

I know. I was really wanting a bacon, egg and cheese, but they didn't offer.

[A]

That's what I got with it. Ten pounds of mayonnaise.

[B]

I get it on everything bagel.

[A]

Me, too. Everything. Yeah.

[B]

I love those seeds on top.

[A]

Yeah. Bird seeds.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Looks they're pretty good. It's like they're healthy for you.

[B]

Yeah. Not after they put as much mayonnaise as I want them to.

[A]

If my bagel ain't got mayonnaise.

[B]

I remember at the New York, though, I got, like, a rainbow bagel with, like, cream cheese in the middle. It was. It was so damn good.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

I'm telling you, if that cream cheese isn't at the end of it, I don't want it.

[A]

No. If it's not dropping onto the little tin. Full paper. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We've been going for a minute.

[B]

I know. I feel like this has been kind of smooth. Smooth and steady wins the race tortoise and the hair. But I.

[A]

Any hot takes? You got any hot takes today?

[B]

Hot takes?

[A]

I'm trying to think of one over

[B]

here, but I don't think the Office is a funny TV show.

[A]

I've never watched a minute of it. Not even one second of it.

[B]

Well, it looks like it was filmed on a BlackBerry phone and it looked

[A]

like it was filmed on a microwave.

[B]

Yeah, that's not really. My dad just Snapchatted me. Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I remember I texted you last night and told you what we should talk about, but.

[A]

Yeah, but I can't find it in the messages. It got lost in the vortex of our messages because, you know, we send a whole bunch of.

[B]

We do. Me and Lana be talking with the best of them.

[A]

Oh, it's bad, y'.

[B]

All. I will say, I woke up this morning and it's. It's raining like a heifer piston on

[A]

a flat rock in the middle of a damn field.

[B]

Out. I think it's raining in half the continental United States.

[A]

Yeah. Because Riley and I said last night, it's my World Day weekend. What are we gonna do for the weekend? We were gonna go the lake. Then it was going to be raining. So we're not going to the lake. We're going to sit in our apartment, which is boring. Then we're going to go to Broadway, which is too busy. We were like, let's Go to the beach. So I texted Riley last night. I was like, let's go find a place at the beach. It's going to be raining there, too. We were trying to escape the rain, and it ain't. There ain't no escaping. So we. We are just going to. You know, what are we going to do?

[B]

But we can't go out of town on Memorial Day because we're recording the podcast and we have a very special guest.

[A]

Very special. We going to tell them on this one or no?

[B]

Yeah, do it.

[A]

Okay. We are having the one and only Abby Lee Miller on our podcast.

[B]

Bus Driver. Steady on the road.

[A]

Swaggy Lee is in the house.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Are you choking?

[B]

No, my voice cracked, but I think it's just because I had a little bit.

[A]

Anyways, we are having the one and only Abby Lee Miller on the podcast.

[B]

So be looking out for that episode. It's coming within the next couple weeks. I'm excited.

[A]

I'm so excited. That woman is my spirit animal.

[B]

I know. Me, too.

[A]

Speaking of spirit animal, people say she's a. And people. Last episode was saying I was in a mood and I might have been on my.

[B]

Listen, y' all have to understand mine and Landon's dynamic. One second. I have a hairball. Let me take a drink.

[A]

Oh, you're getting your order today.

[B]

Yeah, one second.

[A]

Hold on. He's pausing.

[B]

Asmr.

[A]

You don't do that.

[B]

Sorry. People often say that, like, Landon's being an. Or I'm being an. Y' all just don't see what goes on behind the camera. Because if y' all seen us, like, unfiltered, y' all never watch this again. Me and Landon are mean to each other, but we are mean to each other, but nobody else can be mean to us.

[A]

Yeah, exact. That's it.

[B]

That's.

[A]

We're like sibling mean.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't. I don't ever consider at Landon mean on the podcast. Like, no.

[A]

I mean, I might have been last week, but, like, I. I live whoopty do I was.

[B]

I'm used to it.

[A]

I mean, hell, would you rather me come in here and be like, oh, yeah, I'm so happy.

[B]

Speaking of. I don't know why I'm just going

[A]

to be myself if I wake up in the. On the wrong side of the bed. Let me be on the wrong side of the bed until about 12:00pm or 4:00pm or whenever it's.

[B]

And I will tell him to flip the back over and he will.

[A]

He'll tell me go Back to bed, wake up on the right side, and

[B]

I won't do it. Y' all don't think that I'm just going to sit here and take. If I think it's too.

[A]

Same difference here. You woke up on the wrong side of the bed a couple days ago, and I was ready to evacuate the premise. But Riley don't remember it when he wakes up on the roofs.

[B]

Yeah, I have amnesia. I'm like, dory, I have a short term memory loss.

[A]

Anyways.

[B]

If one person in the United States could be president, who would you pick? Like, unrealistic.

[A]

Well, I have a realistic answer. What? Leanne Morgan.

[B]

Let me tell you something right now. I love Leanne Morgan. With everybody in my body, she is the funniest person in the world. And it's because we grew up just like she did.

[A]

I mean, her parent. Didn't her daddy own a meat processing plant?

[B]

I think so.

[A]

My daddy owned a meat processing plant. I mean, she grew up in the middle of nowhere and.

[B]

And every time she says one of her little sayings, I just want to hug her.

[A]

Like, going.

[B]

And I looked on her website yesterday. She has a tote bag that says going and doing.

[A]

I want it. I don't even need a tote bag. And I'm gonna buy it just because

[B]

I love it, y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

I love that woman with every bone in my bang. I've watched her Netflix special enough to recite it backwards.

[A]

Well, you Snapchatted me the other day and was like, why are you watching Leanne's special for the 400th time? And I was like, because that's my comfort show.

[B]

It is. Y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

Let me.

[A]

She's got a sitcom, y'. All. If.

[B]

Leanne, Leanne, if you see this, I just want to give you a hug. I do. And bring you a covered dish. I'm the church potluck.

[A]

Me, too.

[B]

I want to bring you some damn candied yams or something. Hell, and I know she likes her

[A]

Costco trips and her Sam's trips.

[B]

We need Tess.

[A]

I love Tess, too. I think Tess is going to. Is going to be a comedian one day.

[B]

We need to get her on the podcast. I just want to meet her. She. We need to buy tickets to her show. She's coming to Nashville.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I'll travel to see her. I won't travel to see a lot of people. Let's go for real.

[A]

Okay. Anyways, that would be my. My president.

[B]

You know, I think I agree with you.

[A]

I mean, it couldn't get any better than that. Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Other than, like, well, Dolly Parton, but.

[B]

Yep, that's my president.

[A]

Really?

[B]

She's already my. Make the. Make the United States a monarchy and make Dolly Parton the queen. I love her. I love Dolly Parton, y'. All. I don't. I can't understand. I don't. I can't explain it. There's just something about that woman. The day that she dies and I

[A]

might cry, don't even put this into existence.

[B]

The day that she goes on to glory to her home in the sky will be a day of national mourning.

[A]

It will be. It'll be not. I mean it.

[B]

I would literally give my life to see her.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I love that woman.

[A]

Well, maybe somebody out there knows her or something and, you know, she don't even got a phone. She still uses a fax machine.

[B]

I would fax her every fucking day. I'd sit at my fax machine and wait.

[A]

Do you want to do bloodline brain check today?

[B]

Yes. I was about to say that. Okay.

[A]

You got it pulled up?

[B]

Yeah. Hold up.

[A]

I don't have it pulled up. I never have bloodline brain check pulled up. And then we're do cousin council after this. And y', all.

[B]

We have the robes.

[A]

We have the robes. And we have a couple of cousin council submissions that are quite berserk.

[B]

Oh, do we?

[A]

And Riley's making me read the one that's awful.

[B]

Yeah, because I don't want to.

[A]

Does it embarrass you or something?

[B]

Yeah, kinda.

[A]

It's just awful, ain't it?

[B]

It has to do with.

[A]

Anyways, bloodline brain check.

[B]

Hold up, Chad GPT's cooking, y'. All.

[A]

Someone told us last time, don't use Chat GPT because it's gonna be the

[B]

end of civilization, y', all. If Chat GPT actually uses water. I think I said this before. I've drained a lake somewhere.

[A]

Ocean. Oh, people are Snapchat me this morning. If you don't have me on Snapchat, add me on Snapchat.

[B]

By the way, yes? Landon's is just his name. Mine is.

[A]

Why isn't yours just your name?

[B]

Because apparently somebody else has my name and they stole it before me. Mine is Riley G. Mitchell, 3.

[A]

I love. I don't love my last name because it's just like, like. But I love it because nobody else has it.

[B]

Okay, Ready? Yeah. What planet is known as the red planet?

[A]

Mars.

[B]

Oh, you're so nice. What is a person called that studies the sky in space?

[A]

An astronaut?

[B]

No.

[A]

A scientist.

[B]

No. They have a name. I want to say, a paleontologist. But that's.

[A]

That's bones.

[B]

Bones, fossils.

[A]

I don't know. Go on to that.

[B]

We. Look it up. Look it up. Whenever I'm looking for.

[A]

It's a damn astronaut.

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

Yes, it is.

[B]

I remember we used to go to the planetarium in school on field trips.

[A]

What the. A planetarium?

[B]

It's like, where you look at the planets on the ceiling.

[A]

Oh, the. Huntsville, Alabama, Rocky.

[B]

No, we went to the Walker county

[A]

plan, but I thought I was gonna

[B]

be able to, like, see Mars.

[A]

Space. Damn astronaut.

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

Astronomer.

[B]

Oh, I was not thinking that.

[A]

An astronomer. I was close.

[B]

What force keeps us on the ground?

[A]

Gravity.

[B]

Okay, what is water? What is H2O?

[A]

Water.

[B]

I just answered it for you.

[A]

If you don't know what H2O is,

[B]

you dumber Bobby Boucher. What gas do humans breathe in to survive?

[A]

Oxygen.

[B]

Okay. What is a verb

[A]

in Leanne Morgan terms? It's when you're going and doing action of the sentence.

[B]

What is a noun?

[A]

It's the person, place, or thing.

[B]

What is a synonym for happy?

[A]

Synonym means joyful.

[B]

Oh, that's literally what it says.

[A]

I own one today.

[B]

I'm.

[A]

I'm smarter than a damn fifth grader.

[B]

Who was the 16th president in the United States?

[A]

16th was Abraham Lincoln.

[B]

Yes. I didn't even know Abraham Lincoln was a president.

[A]

No, I knew he was a president. I just didn't know he was assassinated.

[B]

Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?

[A]

Thomas Jefferson.

[B]

Oh, my God. You are the headsets. What is the capital of France? If you get this right, I'm going to be really impressed.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You almost said it.

[A]

Paris. Yes.

[B]

Give me some. Holy. We're smarter than.

[A]

Can you hand me your phone? Do you have any more over there?

[B]

Good catch, Short stop.

[A]

I said give me more. Okay, I know this, but I don't know if you. What is nine squared?

[B]

70, 80.

[A]

1 80. Yes.

[B]

Look, you have to do this trick. Y' all remember that.

[A]

I've never done that. I just remembered mine.

[B]

If it's like nine times two, you go one, two, it's 18.

[A]

What is the definition of an even number? Like, an even number.

[B]

One that ends in 0246-80-? Yeah, that's right.

[A]

I mean, yeah, those were even numbers, but, like, what is the definition of an even number?

[B]

Do I look like you're gonna.

[A]

When I tell you this, it's gonna, like, tell me a number divisible by two.

[B]

Yeah. I did not think that.

[A]

What were you thinking?

[B]

I failed geometry.

[A]

Okay, you you have to know this because I was a nerd in school. And what is the value of PI rounded to 2 decimals?

[B]

3.14159.

[A]

Oh, you got more than 2 decimals.

[B]

Yeah, that used to be landed password on its phone.

[A]

Who could ever guess that? Nobody would have ever guessed that.

[B]

The damn math teacher, maybe.

[A]

What part of the cell contains DNA?

[B]

Nucleus.

[A]

Yes. What is a. We've said this on one before.

[B]

What?

[A]

I'm not gonna say that one. It's too easy. What is the center of the solar system?

[B]

The sun.

[A]

Yeah. Was it. What is an adjective?

[B]

A description?

[A]

Word of what?

[B]

A noun?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, my God. Y' all give me an honorary diploma and ask me to do a commencement.

[A]

I need you to tell me the difference between there, there and there's.

[B]

Oh, this. I'm passionate about this.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

T H e I r shows possession. T h e y apostrophe r e is. They are. And T h e r e is a person, place, or thing.

[A]

Like it's not a person.

[B]

Well, it's over there. Like, it's over there. I'm going over there.

[A]

Who gave the I have a Dream speech?

[B]

Martin luther the King Jr.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, I think that's enough. You ready for cousin council?

[A]

I just want to know which country gifted the Statue of Liberty to us.

[B]

France. Yes.

[A]

Oh, we got them all right today.

[B]

Bonjour.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All right. We're gonna be right back for cousin council.

[A]

Okay? Yeah, we are.

[B]

We have to get changed.

[A]

Okay, everybody, we are back.

[B]

Welcome back to cousin council. We had to get changed.

[A]

Yeah, we did.

[B]

We're.

[A]

We're in our.

[B]

We have our gavels and our robes back.

[A]

Yeah, we do. And the people sitting behind the camera today are gonna be tired of hearing this.

[B]

Yeah, they are.

[A]

Yeah. It's okay, though. Okay, you can go first. Read the first one.

[B]

Okay. Let me pull it up to get it on my doc. Excuse me.

[A]

This is from Taryn. Yeah. Court number 744971.

[B]

Plaintiff is. I don't even know. Okay. This is from Taryn. When I was in my student teaching internship, a student went to hit another student with a charging cord and hit me inside. I told them to quit. And my teacher, who should have gotten them in trouble, stood there and laughed as one of the students called me a crybaby and cussed at me.

[A]

And you know what I would have done?

[B]

That's why I can't be a teacher. Because I would take this gavel and beat the hell out of somebody with it, and I would.

[A]

And that's exactly what I was gonna say today.

[B]

I don't understand why kids just think they can treat teachers. However. And I could never be a teacher because you have to be nice and kind.

[A]

Yeah, but some teachers are awful. There's one teacher on TikTok that's like ultra famous. And she gets on my damn nerve so bad I can't see straight.

[B]

Noelle, I'll name her.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

She flipped the shit out. Cause somebody threw something in the roof one time.

[A]

Like you're a teacher. You signed up for that shit. Wah, wah, wah, wah.

[B]

She's the one that eats ranch with her stuff anyways.

[A]

Which is a darn good thing she does.

[B]

I would tell you to whoop that kid's ass, but you ain't his mama. So tell the mama to whoop its ass.

[A]

That's good case of Journey.

[B]

Okay, this one's a little bit.

[A]

Of course I have this one. Because you are awful. And I can't believe you're making me

[B]

read this because I don't think I could and say that because I'm saying.

[A]

Am I the asshole for breaking up with my long distance boyfriend over a dildo? When I was in high school, I was in a long distance relationship with a guy from Tennessee. For two years. He was in bushcraft and woodworking. One day I got home from school and found a package from him. I opened it to find he had made me a wooden dildo.

[B]

Would that not give you a splinter?

[A]

Yes. Go ahead, finish it would. It looked like a small baseball bat. Yeah. Again, I was in high school and lived with my mother who I was terrified who would find it. So I threw it out in the woods on my way to school. One day later he brought me a real one that I never asked for. I went to visit him over the summer and he told me to bring it. I was confused, but I did. This man, literally. I can't. This man, literally. You was using it on himself and tried to get me to do it for him. I sat on the edge of the bed and started staring at the wall while he had it. Yeah, I broke up with him after I went home. I'd have broke up with him too. Yeah, that's insanity.

[B]

All I can think about is them little baseball bats they give you at the Braves game for being the first 100 in line. I think you should have called. Jesus. 911-911 immediately called the ambulance. Cause that is fucked up.

[A]

Some people are freaky dicky like that.

[B]

That is weird as shit. Okay? I don't care if you're into that or not. Like, why?

[A]

I can't believe my face is blushing on that one. I can't.

[B]

I couldn't read that. I'm sorry.

[A]

Why did you make me? You're reading the next one we get.

[B]

That's fine. That literally. I don't know what to tell you there, girlfriend. I think you're better off single.

[A]

That's insane.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

That's like. Some people don't think that's insane.

[B]

That's one for the record book.

[A]

Anyways, you got the next one. I'm done cousin counseling.

[B]

That one was from Cassie. This one is from Zoe. When I was in high school, my ex was intentionally being rude to me for multiple months to try to get me to break up with him so that he wouldn't have to before I left for college. Fast forward a year later, after the breakup, his other friend confessed his feelings for me and how he felt bad that his friend was so rude to me and cheating on me with a college girl and didn't know about the other girl at the time of the breakup. We kissed and other things on my ex's birthday. And his friend went to hang out with him after. Was I a bitch for this? You know what? I think you were getting karma. And I think you deserve the karma.

[A]

I think so too.

[B]

I don't. You know what? Be a homie hopper.

[A]

Be a homie hopper. Because the homie, if the homie does, you'd already be a homie hopper.

[B]

The homie was hopping.

[A]

Yeah. Cause he was cheating and he was trying to get her to break up with her.

[B]

Break up with her. Anyways, If I was him, I'd have went to the hang out with him. Be like, yo, I was hanging out with that girl yesterday that we were friends that you used today, and we had so much fun.

[A]

You know, I've talked to some people, I think tried to, like, be distant or like a. To try to get me to stop talking to them. You ain't got to try. I'll quit.

[B]

Yeah. Let me tell you something. If you're not putting forth the same amount of effort that I'm putting forth, Bye, bye, bye. And, you know, sometimes you'll find those people who, like, you talk to every day and you. Even if it's just a friend, and then you stop initiating the conversation or they stop needing you for something, and then all of a sudden, you don't hear from them. I'm telling you, until they need you again. And you know what I have to say to you? We all have friends like that. And you.

[A]

Fuck you. Yeah. Anyways. Oh, well, I think that that was cousin council. Yeah, I'm just gonna stay in the robe and wrap up the episode.

[B]

You know, I am too, because I don't feel like changing. But I will say this. You guys have. I'm not wearing it to Broadway. You guys ask us for merch, and merch is on the way. You can go to bloodlinebanterofficial.com and sign up to receive an email whenever our merch drops. Well, we should have that drop in within the next couple weeks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And bloodline banter official off I c I a l.com for those who cannot spell. And bloodlinebanterofficial.com. damn.

[A]

How many times you gonna say that?

[B]

That's bloodlinebanterofficial.com.

[A]

that's the last time. And you go there, sign up for the email. We'll tell you when we launch it.

[B]

Yeah, we're excited to launch it for real. We've been working on the past couple days and it's gonna look good. Also off topic, we're having a meet and greet. First meet and greet we've ever had in Fayette, Alabama. Alabama. At our socials. It's at Big Juicy Fashions at. It's our friend Glam All's place, and she asked us to come down there. We're going to be there on June 20th from 10 o' clock to 2 o'. Clock. So if you're in the area, or even if you're not in the area and want to take a road trip, come on down and see us and buy some merch. It's free. You don't have to pay anything. You don't have to purchase anything to come. Just come take a picture, hang out, and we'll have fun.

[A]

We'll have a blast.

[B]

I'm excited to see Humpton leads tolerant, huh? Hooting leads to hollering and I'm a

[A]

hootin and holler anyways.

[B]

Well, I'm hungry and I am starving, Jebediah. Okay, I'm hungry and thirsty, Kirsty, to be honest with you. And I think I need. I think I need a snack. Okay, so we're ready to go make that pizza. All right, everybody, we will talk to y' all later. Until next time, follow us on all of our social pages and subscribe on YouTube. Subscribe on YouTube. Follow us on Apple podcasts and Spotify.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And until next time.

[A]

Love you. Bye.

[B]

Love you. Bye.