The Great Pancake Pantry Meltdown

Summary

Bloodline Banter Episode Summary

Podcast: Bloodline Banter
Hosts: Landon & Riley (The Cast Collective)
Episode: The Great Pancake Pantry Meltdown
Date: April 2, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode is a lively, unscripted slice-of-life conversation featuring hosts Landon and Riley in peak banter mode. From tales of Nashville nightlife to grade-school career dreams, Southern culture rants, mundane irritations, and plenty of comedic asides, the pair serve up laughs and hot takes with barely a filter. A major highlight: the hilarious and tense "Pancake Pantry Meltdown" story, which showcases their signature combination of chaotic energy and Southern sass. The hosts also introduce a new trivia segment and answer listener submissions in their "Cousin Council." Be prepared for tangents, ribbing, and some genuine personal insights.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sleep Scores & Morning Routines

• The show opens with the hosts comparing sleep quality, with Riley noting, "It was like 50 sleep good last night." (00:36)
• Discussion quickly devolves into candid talk about digestive routines—setting the tone for their irreverent and personal style.

2. Dream Podcast Guests & Celebrity Roasts

• The hosts share their ideal guest picks: Abby Lee Miller and Tiger Woods, leading to jokes about Tiger’s driving mishaps.
  • "If you were any other normal American citizen, your ass would have been in jail by now." — Riley (01:44)
• Landon mentions he doesn’t really follow sports unless it’s golf. (02:19)

3. Nashville Nightlife & Observations from Broadway

• Madison, their friend, visits Nashville for the first time.
• The hosts describe funny/explicit signs seen on Broadway held by homeless individuals and comment on homelessness, sometimes with skepticism about authenticity. (03:13–05:02)
• Riley recounts offering food to a homeless woman with a prosthetic leg, which is declined. (04:00)
• "If you ever want to be a millionaire, just open a bar and sell shots for $22 a piece." — Riley (05:32)

4. Bar Band Comedy & Science Guy Tangents

• While at Aldean’s bar, an onstage remark about "inertia" leads to hilarious confusion about what the word means, culminating in Bill Nye and Church of Scientology jokes. (05:39–07:14)
  • "Why would you say [inertia] in a bar with a bunch of drunk hillbillies?" — Landon (06:02)
  • "Who do I look like, bitch? Bill Nye the Science Guy?" — Riley (06:35)

5. Everyday Annoyances: Appliances & ‘Love Taps’

• Extended riff on having to hit malfunctioning appliances (washer, phone, car screen, even TVs) to get them to work.
  • "Can we make it acceptable to start hitting people and..." — Landon (08:44)
  • "Like, you're not working right. Bam." — Riley (08:50)

6. Nashville Boutiques & The 'Granny Name' Formula

• Satirical breakdown of boutique culture in Nashville and overpricing, using "Paisley Grace" as an example (09:08–10:17)
  • "If you want to open a boutique, you just need a lot of money and a name that sounds like your grandmother's." — Riley (11:05)
• Mackenzie Childs brand gets roasted for overpriced home decor.

7. Country Festivals & Living in the South

• Plug for the Rock the Country festival in Belleville, Texas, with a country star-studded lineup. (11:33–12:18)
• Discussion about hating Florida humidity, loving Tennessee, and possibly living in Texas or Georgia.
  • "It's like you just microwaved a bathtub all the time." — Riley (14:21)

8. Musings on Names & Language

• Riley ponders how everyday items get their names while sitting in the shower. (12:27–13:39)
  • "How do things get their names? How does someone look at this and say, that's a microphone?" — Riley (12:40)

9. Youth Culture & Southern Parenting

• Critical—but comedic—discussion about how young people dress in Nashville, compared to when they were kids.
  • "How are you parents sending your children out to Broadway looking like a damn stripper?" — Riley (17:59)

10. Dream Jobs & School Memories

• Both hosts share a series of dream jobs from their childhoods, ranging from horses and law to doctor, nurse, and even laundromat owner.
  • "Sports management and equine studies. Those two things don't even go together." — Landon (19:37)
• Critical of traditional job advice, joking about "making a living running my mouth" (34:51).

11. Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? (New Segment Preview)

• The hosts try out trivia questions for a recurring segment, displaying both confidence and humor at their own limits.
  • "Maybe I am smarter than a fifth grader." — Landon (30:05)
  • "What is 25 of 480? ... I don't think anybody in the world can." — Riley (30:18)

12. Education Rants & Southern School Stories

• Extended discussion about modern homework, difficulty of school assignments, and their own experiences in school (31:33–34:31)
  • "Kids are still growing up dumb as hell." — Riley (31:32)

13. The Great Pancake Pantry Meltdown (Main Story)

• The signature story of the episode: a tense and hilarious run-in at Pancake Pantry with a rude (and large) man from out of state.
  • "He turned around and he said, 'Please would have been nice.'" — Landon (36:19)
  • "I hope your pillow is hot for the rest of your damn life." — Riley (35:53)
  • "If you move to the south from up north or out west, ... if you're gonna be a [jerk], you can stay your ass at the Great Lakes." — Riley (37:27–38:01)
• Riffs on Southern hospitality vs. Northern attitudes.

14. Driving Disasters & Relatable Petty Moments

• Playful self-deprecation about fender benders and accidentally hitting cars as teens. (39:53–40:19)

15. Reality TV Pitch: The Ranch Reviewers

• Landon and Riley share their idea for a food travel show about rating America's ranch dressing, extended by jokes about Greek yogurt ranch abominations.
  • "If you make ranch with grilled chick yogurt, you’re just—" — Landon (42:56)
  • "If you willfully eat Miracle Whip, I need to know if you were abused in your previous life." — Riley (43:06)

16. Cousin Council: Audience Advice Segment

• Serious: Advice for a listener coping with immense family loss. (44:44–45:28)
  • "You pray. And I mean, do something to get your mind off of it." — Riley (44:55)
• Funny: Responding to a confusing story about a deer and a blind friend—"how did she see the deer?" (46:00)
• Petty Family Drama: Sister-in-law feud over who becomes the 'favorite' grandchild’s parent.
  • "Tell your sister-in-law that she's married into the family ... she's not your mother's child and she can suck my ass." — Riley (47:46)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Southern Parenting:
  "I'm not trying to get on here, like, it say modest is hottest...but hell, when you're 12 years old and you look like you're just graduating 32..." (17:44)

• On Hospitality:
  "If you move to the south from up north or out west...if you're gonna be a [jerk], you can stay your ass at the Great Lakes..." (37:27–38:01)

• On Ranch Dressing:
  "If you make anything with Greek yogurt, I'm not saying. Listen, everybody. I just can't deal with those same health freaks that are like, 'Oh, you could cut the calories by swapping your mayonnaise for ranch.'" (43:06)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Dream Podcast Guests, Tiger Woods Roast: 01:19–02:15
• Broadway Homeless Stories: 03:13–05:02
• Boutique Price Rants: 09:08–10:44
• Musings on Language: 12:27–13:39
• Nashville Youth Fashion Critique: 17:03–18:30
• The Great Pancake Pantry Meltdown: 35:07–38:32
• Ranch Review Reality TV Pitch: 40:39–43:06
• Cousin Council Listener Letters: 44:45–48:55

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Tone, Style & Listener Takeaways

• Language & Tone: Southern, irreverent, often explicit, a mix of honest vulnerability and comedic brashness.
• Host Dynamic: Playful bickering, quick-witted, full of personal anecdotes, and unfiltered social commentary.
• Episode Flow: A rambly, conversational structure that mimics a FaceTime call between old friends—embracing tangents and audience interactivity over strict topic adherence.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a true representation of Bloodline Banter at its most candid. Expect humor, relatability, some hot takes on Southern living, and plenty of "cousin therapy" style advice. It’s less a focused narrative and more a vibrant, authentic snapshot of Landon and Riley’s lives, thoughts, and friendship.

Best enjoyed if you love:

• Unscripted, personality-driven podcasts
• Southern culture and humor
• Listener letters and advice segments
• Banter that walks the line between outrageous and heartfelt

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

Get away from me. I didn't hear nothing.

[B]

And you go there, you stupid. I don't even love this, but I

[A]

ain't eating no damn tuna fish bread.

[B]

Okay, boys, take it. Take it away. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Bloodline Banter. I'm Landon.

[A]

And I'm Riley.

[B]

And I, we're here for an episode. I guess we'll get started like we normally do. Do you sleep good?

[A]

I did sleep okay. Not really good at all, actually.

[B]

What was your. Oh, I can tell you. Your sleep.

[A]

I really don't even know why I said I slept good, cuz I didn't. It was like 50 sleep good last night.

[B]

The bad club. It was 66.

[A]

Mine was. Yeah. What was yours?

[B]

72. But I feel a lot more rest in my readiness.

[A]

Well, that's because your typical sleep score is like in the 50s, so whenever you get one in the 70s, that's a D. And then I woke up

[B]

this morning, I had a little bit of did. Okay, yeah, W. Three times this morning. It's not even one o'.

[A]

Clock. I'm normal for that. I'm regular.

[B]

I'm not.

[A]

I am.

[B]

Okay. I don't feel like we should really talk about.

[A]

You brought it in.

[B]

I know, but it. After further thought, it just don't sit right with me. Let me.

[A]

Sounds like a shitty morning.

[B]

Anyways, we were just talking before we came in here about having, like, who we want on the podcast, and I Lowkey, want Abby Lee Miller. I'm telling you, I want Abby Lee Miller on the podcast. And who did you say you wanted?

[A]

I really can't think of anybody in particular, but I just feel like Abby Lee Miller would be such a good time. And also, I don't know if she drinks or not, but I feel like if she did, she would drink more wine than Olivia Pope.

[B]

I bet she don't drink more than. What's his name? Tiger Woods.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Listen, Tiger, I'm not trying to make light out of a bad situation, but I think you should stick to driving the club instead of driving the car, because every time you get behind the wheel, you get a damn dui. And if you were any other normal American citizen, your ass would have been in jail by now.

[B]

And that's.

[A]

Did you see where the Secret Service banned him from driving around Trump's grandkids? That should have probably came after the first dui. You know, I bet if I had a dui, I couldn't drive him around anyways.

[B]

I just. I really didn't even know who he Was like, I know who he is. But not.

[A]

Landon doesn't do sports. And I don't really do sports either, but I do golf because I played golf for so long. And Tiger woods has always been like, he gets in an accident every couple of years.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Whether it be getting his ass beat by his ex wife cuz he cheated on her or warranted or I mean like she beat his ass one.

[B]

Good, good.

[A]

But yeah, it's been.

[B]

Yeah. Abby Miller, if you see this, come on the pod, please. I about said something, but I can't say that I was going to say get a ramp for the. We can get around for the studio.

[A]

We had to make sure we're ADA accessible.

[B]

Yes. Anyways, we'll get right into it. We went to Broadway last night.

[A]

We did. We have our best friend Madison in town.

[B]

She's actually behind the camera right now.

[A]

And she had never been to Nashville. So we decided to go to Broadway last night and just give her the.

[B]

We seen a sign that said smile if you masturbate. We seen a sign that said, where

[A]

did you see that?

[B]

At one of the crackheads on Broadway.

[A]

Oh, I was holding it.

[B]

And then we seen another cardboard sign that said what'd it say?

[A]

Suck more titties.

[B]

Suck more titties. And then we.

[A]

Y' all are homeless and the best sign y' all can make is suck my titties.

[B]

Hey, I did see one that said need a blessing.

[A]

Yeah. And I. I'm not trying to be mean.

[B]

And his dog was very.

[A]

Well, I'm not trying to be mean, but he sits there every day. Every single day.

[B]

Really? That's his 9 to 5.

[A]

Why about we try to get a real 9 to 5? I'm not saying I understand that those people are real bad positions, but every day, you know, at some point, like I will say, at least trade spots.

[B]

While we're on this topic, I remember when I lived in Florida, there was a homeless person that was always outside of my apartment complex, like where you drive in. And I lived in a super nice apartment complex when I lived in Florida. And this just makes me think of Florida. Anyways, and I came back from the grocery store and I felt bad for her because she had a prosthetic leg and she just automatically looked pitiful, you know. And I just got back from the grocery store and I offered her a bag of brand new Doritos because it was in my passenger seat and that's just. They went open yet. And I handed her this bag of Doritos or tried. And she looked Me dead in the face and said she didn't want it. She didn't want. Must have not been too hungry then.

[A]

Didn't you also say that you seen her getting, like, a super nice.

[B]

That was another one. I seen a homeless man, quote, homeless man doing it. But I seen him leave. Like, I seen him at the tail end of it. And he got in a Mercedes car. Swear.

[A]

What the hell? I mean,

[B]

person. Last night on Broadway, and a lady offered him her to go box. I said, and he did take it, so he must actually been hungry.

[A]

I. I feel for those people, but at some point, I can't. You have to want to help yourself. You know, you do, but, I mean.

[B]

And if you need help, like getting your driver's license or, you know, go and getting a Social Security number or something, just don't call me, but call somebody else. I'm sure they'll help you. Anyways, Broadway, we had a good time. We went at 12:30 Club, my favorite restaurant on Broadway. We went to a couple different bars. Where'd we go? Friends.

[A]

Friends. We went to Aldine. We went to Casa Rosa.

[B]

Uhhuh.

[A]

If you ever want to be a millionaire, just open a bar and sell shots for $22 a piece.

[B]

And then we went. When we were in Aldean's, we were on the top of the roof, and the band was like Tate doing, like, an intermission. And all of a sudden, this lady goes. She said something about inertia. And I just can't help but to think nobody in the damn bar knows what the word inertia means.

[A]

In inertia is like the force of gravity, I think.

[B]

Why would you say that in a bar with a bunch of drunk hillbillies?

[A]

I don't know, because they probably don't know what it means in that. In that scenario. But, I mean.

[B]

And then it got me wondering. I didn't even know what inertia was. Do you know what it is?

[A]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure if you look

[B]

up the official definition of inertia, Source

[A]

of gravity, I think. Hey, Siri, what does inertia mean?

[B]

He just set off my Siri.

[A]

A tendency to remain. A tendency to do nothing or remain unchanged.

[B]

So why did she say that?

[A]

I think it has something to do with gravity. I don't know. Who do I look like, bitch? Bill Nye the Science Guy.

[B]

Hey, speaking of, we were driving by the Church of Scientology here on 8th Avenue, and landing.

[A]

This is going to get us targeted.

[B]

No, it's not. I don't care. And they had A whole parking lot full of people. And I'm just gonna be honest. When I think of the Church of Scientology, I think that they've got a statue of Bill Nye in there, and they bow down and they. You know.

[A]

And Darwin.

[B]

Yeah. Alexander Graham Bell.

[A]

He invented the telephone.

[B]

Well, he was a scientist.

[A]

I don't think they.

[B]

Albert Einstein. Okay, that's what. That's what makes me think.

[A]

I don't know what it is, but it is kind of sketchy and, like, Madison just dropped her phone. It's okay. We forgive you, but this is completely

[B]

off topic, but does your washer or dryer work in your apartment unit?

[A]

No. And I feel like we talk about this every week, and it's a piece of. And sometimes I just have to slap the out of it.

[B]

That's what I was gonna say. I beat the absolute perk out of my washer machine this morning. Sometimes to get it to come on,

[A]

sometimes you just have to hit it. Sometimes in order to get to work, you just have to hit it. I know. I cannot be the only one that's ever grabbed my phone whenever it was glitching and just hit the out of it on the table. And you know what it did? It started working.

[B]

You just got to give it a little love tap.

[A]

Well, I think so.

[B]

And then my dryer sounds like a dry coming through, and I have to beat the out of it, too, to get it to come on.

[A]

A damn vending machine. The computer. I've slapped the out of my computer several times. You just have to. Sometimes you just have to, like. And then boom. It works perfect.

[B]

I hit my phone. My phone. My Tesla screen the other day. It was being dumb.

[A]

Okay, well, you might want to be careful with that, because the Tesla screen is how you drive.

[B]

Well, I just gave it a love

[A]

tap because you don't have a gear shift or you have a.

[B]

It didn't help.

[A]

I have hit my TV one time whenever it was being stupid. I. One time I got really mad because I was watching something and my TV was glitching out. It's because it was an old tv. Tv. And I grabbed my shoe and threw it at it.

[B]

Did it bust it?

[A]

No, but it started working.

[B]

See? Can we make it acceptable to start hitting people and.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Like, you're not working right. You're being dumb. Bam.

[A]

Clock that ass.

[B]

I think that's a great idea.

[A]

I think it is, too.

[B]

While we're on the topic of, like, Nashville again, I know we talked about this in the last episode, but we're going to talk about it again, because I just can't get over it. The boutiques here, or boutiques or whatever they're called. If you want to own a boutique,

[A]

we went shopping and I mean, a Temu sweatshirt, $2.99 on Temu. They mark it up, put a pretty monogram on it with three or four painted flowers, and it's $420.

[B]

Okay, well, I wasn't gonna say that. I was gonna say if you wanna open a boutique, all you have to do is have a million dollars in the bank and have an old, worn out southern name like Paisley Grace and put a little and symbol in beside it. Yeah, the little plus paisley and Grace or what's another one? Just. I mean, that's all you need.

[A]

Mackenzie Childs. Those damn. It's a damn brand. And they sell like teapots and like home decor, and it's just checkered. Like a checkered flag at an ascar race or like a checkered damn checkerboard outside with the rocking chairs at the cracker barrel. And. And they make a pretty little ceramic pot, and then they spray it with resin to make it shiny, and then they draw box boxes on it. And it's about $150 for a damn teapot that you could. I'm in the wrong damn business.

[B]

Okay, you want to start making teapot?

[A]

In one time in art class, whenever we had art with Ms. Heartline.

[B]

Uhhuh.

[A]

I love her. I did too.

[B]

I.

[A]

We made pottery in her class, and I made a little cup. It was about this deep, and there was enough clay in there to probably construct a small brick. And it was real thick. But it won the art show. I did. I won the art show with my little. I called it Firecracker.

[B]

I think you should open a teapot kettle. You caught it. What?

[A]

I called it Firecracker. Cause it was red with a lot of multicolored spots. And I painted it, and then we had to put it in the kiln to proof for like a day. And then it came out and you could drink out of it.

[B]

I don't think that's the right word. That's like proofing biscuits.

[A]

Sourdough. Anyways, but I won the. I won the art show.

[B]

Moral of the story is, if you want to open a boutique, you just need a lot of money and a name that sounds like your grandmother's. Edith and Claire.

[A]

Edith and June.

[B]

June and. Oh. Junie B. Jones. Did you ever read Junie B. Jones?

[A]

No. But you could put June and B. Jones on a sign and you'd probably sell the shit out of a temu sweatshirt for $444. Yeah.

[B]

On to the next. All right, y', all, if you're looking for a normal, quiet, responsible weekend, this is not that.

[A]

Not even a little. We're gonna be at Rock the Country in Belleville, Texas, and y' all need to come see us there May 1st and 2nd, 2026, at the Austin County Fairground.

[B]

This lineup is absolutely stupid in the best way possible. I mean, Jason Aldean, Ella Langley, Kid Rock, Brantley Gilbert.

[A]

Do you even know who those people are, mister, I don't.

[B]

Listen, I need to know every single person to know that they need to go to the damn festival, Riley.

[A]

And that's not even all of it. They've got Aaron Lewis and the Stateliners, Diamond Rio, Shenandoah, Chase Matthew and a whole lot more.

[B]

So if your ideal weekend includes country music, cold drinks, good people, and yelling lyrics like you just got broken up with on the way to the festival, plus, they've got. I'm thinking Riley.

[A]

Too Slow. They've got the new Raised Rowdy stage, daily throwback happy hour and DJ sets.

[B]

And the best part, we'll be there, too. Which really should be excuse enough. I mean, come on, y'.

[A]

All, Go get your tickets [e-mail] and come see us in Belleville, Texas.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

You know what I don't understand?

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I want to know how things get their name.

[B]

Oh, hell, I do.

[A]

I was in the shower earlier and I was sitting down because I sat in the shower sometimes. I was just pondering letting the water hit my head.

[B]

Do you just, like, sit crisscross applesauce in the shower?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And that's when I think my best. I think.

[B]

Anyways, I was run on your head.

[A]

I just said that, Landon.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And I was thinking, how do things get their names? How does someone look at this and say, that's a microphone? Because if you break that down. If you break that word down, micro. Micro means small. And this is a phone. But this is not a small. This is the size of my damn phone. And it's not a small phone.

[B]

No.

[A]

And who looked at this and said, this is a cup?

[B]

What would you name it if it wasn't called a microphone?

[A]

Well, I don't know, but, hell, that could be a truck. How do we know that? That's like. Who came up with that?

[B]

The word ceiling fan?

[A]

Who named a ceiling fan a ceiling fan? I mean, I get it's a Fan. That's on the ceiling. But like.

[B]

But where did ceiling get its name?

[A]

Where did ceiling get its name? Where did fan get its name? If you're high right now, you're.

[B]

We're sorry.

[A]

Your mind is screwed. I'm not, and my mind is screwed. You were talking about something else, too. This sprite has nuclear energy.

[B]

It tastes like TV static.

[A]

What'd you say?

[B]

TV static?

[A]

Yeah. What were you saying before that?

[B]

I don't remember. But I was gonna go to Florida tomorrow.

[A]

Are you going soon? Why not?

[B]

I made the ultimate decision. I was not going.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because I just don't want to have

[A]

sand in my crack, you know? I don't blame you. But didn't your sister say that They've caught like 20 sharks?

[B]

Sharks? My sister's at the beach right now. They've caught down 20 sharks. That's another reason I ain't going to no damn Florida.

[A]

I mean, you talk about. Hell no, I would never live in Florida. Because Florida is one of those states where it's beautiful to go on vacation, but after a couple days of it being a. Hotter than a damn two

[B]

rats growing in a wool sock behind a heater in hell.

[A]

Outside, I mean, and wet as. It's like you just microwaved a bathtub all the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it. I just can't do it.

[B]

Well, I lived there for one year

[A]

and I hated it.

[B]

And I will never live there again. You walk outside, it rains every 40 minutes. It's hotter than hell. It.

[A]

The.

[B]

The moisture in the air makes you feel like you're in a damn incubator.

[A]

No, literally, I feel like I'm in a damn greenhouse.

[B]

Yes. And then the beach gets so damn old.

[A]

And if the wind's not blowing at the beach, your ass has swamp ass. And you're sweating. You have humidity and swamp ass. You're sweating under both tits and your crack is wet.

[B]

And that's just not fun for anybody. Who wants to do that year round?

[A]

Nobody.

[B]

Nobody. So I would never move to Florida.

[A]

Where would you move?

[B]

Well, Loki, I think I'm going to stay in Tennessee. I like it here.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, I love it. They ain't got a state income tax.

[A]

Yeah, you're right. Which I don't understand why any state does. But whatever. I would live in, like, taxation is. Yes, it is. I would live in, like, Tennessee. Obviously. I would live in Georgia. And I would live in, like, Texas.

[B]

You would live in Texas?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Real estate out there is cheap.

[A]

That's why I live there.

[B]

Hey, we're going to Texas. On May 1st and 2nd, Belleville, Texas

[A]

will be at Rock the Country out there. It's a big concert show celebrating America.

[B]

Are you ready for that?

[A]

I am ready. You going to wear, I don't know, I'm thinking like some American flag overalls.

[B]

I think that's iconic. They have themes. I'm telling you. I'm going. Have you started packing yet?

[A]

No, not yet, but I won't pack until three days before. But.

[B]

And he packs a whole damn suitcase full of microwave, the kitchen sink. I mean, you name it.

[A]

Rs going to have never have too much. I disagree.

[B]

I'm a light packer.

[A]

Well, you also forget.

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

Yeah, you do.

[B]

No, no, no. Well, I'm not going to forget.

[A]

Well, you forgot your ten foot. No, you did not. This time you forgot. You always forget something.

[B]

Well, I'm just saying that. You just pack so much.

[A]

I can't wait. I'm excited. Who else gonna be there?

[B]

Kid Rock, Ella Langley. Kid Rock, Jason Aldean. Brantley Gilbert Shannadoa.

[A]

I'm excited. I can't wait.

[B]

What a time.

[A]

I love a concert.

[B]

I would rather in my hands and play Patty Cake than not go to that concert.

[A]

I'm ready.

[B]

And I ain't even never been to a concert. This is gonna be my first one.

[A]

That is actually so depressing, Landon.

[B]

I know. Well, we're gonna have a good time.

[A]

I've been to so many.

[B]

I'm gonna drink a Michelob Ultra and listen to Jason Aldean sing

[A]

Big green tractor.

[B]

Big green tractor.

[A]

But yeah, I'm excited. But I would live in Texas.

[B]

You would?

[A]

I mean, yeah, but it's hard to beat Tennessee.

[B]

I love Tennessee. You can't beat it.

[A]

You got the city and you've got the country and you can live in the country and be in the city in 20 minutes. I love that we talked about this

[B]

the other day, but when we were walking down 12 south, the people and how they dress.

[A]

I feel like we also talk about this in every episode, but whenever you go out and you leave your apartment, you're exposed to a whole new world. I would just like to know, for the moms of America, why are we sending our 12 year olds to to Broadway and 12 south looking like Betty Boop? Okay.

[B]

Why?

[A]

When I was 12, the girl when,

[B]

when I was 12, my sister looked like Adam Sandler. No, she played in Cal and was a tomboy. But her, she was covered literally like.

[A]

And I'm not trying to get on here, like, it say modest is hottest Which I mean, it is. I agree with modesty. I'm not saying you can't wear what you want to wear, but hell, when you're 12 years old and you look like you're just graduating 32 and you

[B]

just came from a hook and you

[A]

have 52 piercings in your face and you have pants that ride straight up your ass, you're. You look like a floozy. Like, how are you parents sending your children out to Broadway looking like a damn stripper?

[B]

Y', all, I think I might have had a booger in my nose this whole entire episode.

[A]

There are weird people in this world that will look at your kids and

[B]

like, yeah, there's a big better. There's an age for this and. And 12 year olds with a pair of shorts up your crack. It's just not. Not.

[A]

I don't get it.

[B]

Quite normal. I don't get my humble opinion. Speaking. We're just on a Tennessee rant today. I want to go to the top of the Batman building.

[A]

I would love that. Last night we were on Broadway, and of course I've seen the AT and T. If you don't know what the Batman building is, there's an AT&T building in Nashville and it's shaped like the Batman head. Yeah, I want to go to the top of it.

[B]

If you work in the ATT building, Nashville, and you can give me executive access to the top, I want to

[A]

go on a tour.

[B]

I want to go up there in the top office and look out of the Batman building.

[A]

I would love to do that.

[B]

And.

[A]

And yeah, I feel I've seen it a hundred times, but being that close to it on Broadway, it's like looking at the Mona Lisa.

[B]

This is completely off topic, but if you had to have picked any other career than the one you're doing right now, what would you have picked?

[A]

Oh, like dream job.

[B]

Yeah, like. Or like, you know, people ask you, what are you going to be when you grow up? When you're in the seventh grade, what did you want to do?

[A]

Well, at one point in my life, I wanted to go to the University of Georgia and major in sports management and equine studies.

[B]

Those two things don't even go together.

[A]

No, I know.

[B]

Sportsman used to tell people that. I remember, he'd be like, yeah, I'm going to major in sports management and equine studies. Sports managers. Management is what it is. Equine studies is horses.

[A]

Horses that don't even make no damn sense. No, I think it's because I had horses growing Up.

[B]

And you love sports.

[A]

No, not really. I just. I don't. I don't. Hell, I guess I just wanted to be a cowboy.

[B]

But then you. And then you wanted. What else did you want to do?

[A]

For a while, I almost went into nursing.

[B]

And then he realized he couldn't wipe an ass.

[A]

Yeah, I'm sorry. Listen to all the CNAS out there. You changed the world. Because I personally could never wipe someone's ass. And before you're like, rally, have some dignity and respect. I have enough dignity and respect for myself to know that's not what I want to do. And there are people that are called to do that. And God bless you, because that's not me.

[B]

I can't do it either.

[A]

And then I. I mean, I worked in politics for years. I wanted to do that. But then after working and you realize just how fucked up everybody is and you never want to do anything.

[B]

Yeah. I was just curious if you want to be a doctor too.

[A]

At one point I wanted to be a orthopedic surgeon. And then I failed geometry. And not that I have to cut out my protractor to cut an ankle off, but, you know, I'm just not the brightest crayon in the box. And that's why I just try to stick to making people giggle for a living.

[B]

And it's working.

[A]

I hope it is.

[B]

I don't remember.

[A]

I used to. If you gave me a scalpel, I'd slash your damn femoral artery.

[B]

You know what that is?

[A]

Land used to want to be a damn rheumatologist.

[B]

I did.

[A]

You know, they study arthritis.

[B]

I don't know why I want to do that. That was just so fascinating to me. But before that, I wanted to be a lawyer.

[A]

Yeah. And then, hell, I used. See, this was my problem growing up. I would watch.

[B]

Hey, I done two years in pre law in school.

[A]

I would watch a Grey's Anatomy and I wanted to be a surgeon. And then I would watch Scandal and or longer View and I would want to be a lawyer. And I would watch Damn Cars.

[B]

And then he wants to be tow mater.

[A]

Yeah, I guess. And I think that's honestly who I relate to the most. So I'm doing pretty good for myself.

[B]

You're doing great. I used to want to be a lawyer, and then I think I wanted to be a. No, it was a doctor and then a lawyer. Yeah, I think that's about the only two things.

[A]

You wanted to own a laundromat one time.

[B]

I still do want to own a laundromat. That is some good passive.

[A]

And a storage unit. You used to want to.

[B]

I'm all about some passive income. Put me up in a damn Laundromat. A storage unit.

[A]

And then in seventh grade, they had to make a product. And he invented me like this. He invented the Lambrin. It was a shoe.

[B]

It was. And it was a cool shoe. And then. But you know what? I've owned a clothing company. You're wearing my shirt today, which is no longer. We sold it. Dank. Will never own another clothing company in my life ever again.

[A]

Why are you messing with your mom?

[B]

I don't know. I just feel like I need to grab it. You don't anyways.

[A]

But yeah.

[B]

Doctor, lawyer. I would still be a lawyer. I think I'm gonna be a lawyer.

[A]

I feel like this episode has turned into, like 20 questions. Where would you live? What did you want to be when you grew up?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, people like to hear that.

[A]

What's your favorite color?

[B]

I don't know. What's yours?

[A]

Well, I'm vanilla. Like gray. Like a gray or like a tan.

[B]

If I was a color, what color would I be?

[A]

Black. Like your heart. Well, no, that probably isn't the I was. You're just.

[B]

I'm yellow. Yellow, orange.

[A]

Landon.

[B]

I'm a bundle of sunshine.

[A]

Landon. Yellow.

[B]

What do you think you are?

[A]

I know that you're not yellow. Yellow gives off positivity and brightness and sunshine and joy. You have office hours and don't want people to call you before 10 o'. Clock.

[B]

That's me 88 of the time.

[A]

That's very dull of you. I think you're like a gray, a black, a. Like dark brown. What do you think of that?

[B]

Orange.

[A]

Oh, no, I wouldn't do like that.

[B]

You're like a red. I don't even know what that means, but you're just a red.

[A]

That used to be my favorite color.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I honestly feel like this conversation has been all over the place.

[B]

So, like, is it dumb? Are we talking about dumb shit?

[A]

I don't know, but it's kind of interesting. I mean, I'm learning more about you now than I have been 20 years.

[B]

Well, I. Like, sometimes I just. Shit pops in my mind and I have to say it.

[A]

Listen, that is me. Because last night I was up till like 1:25 in the morning, and what I do is, I'll. I'll scroll and then I'll roll over and I'll think. I wonder if my favorite tick tocker has posted anything. So I'll roll back over.

[B]

Who's your favorite tick talker. I do need to know that.

[A]

I don't know. Honestly, I just. I'll be watching everything from cleaning dirty rugs to home improvement to cooking. I literally. I'll just lay in bed, and I'll be like, I wonder how you make chicken pot pie with crescent rolls or some dumb. I'll think, I wonder how many metric tons beluga well is. And so then I'll just. It's just the craziest. My mind, it's like, that's what your tick.

[B]

That's what you watch.

[A]

No, I'm just saying my mind's running a thousand miles an hour, and I'm like, okay, where's my passport? I'm not leaving the country anytime soon. But what if I had to? Where the hell is my passport?

[B]

Do you know where it's at?

[A]

Yeah, it's in my. I found it last night. It's in my bottom drawer. Yeah, I just. I get to thinking. I'm like, oh, my gosh, what if I need it and I don't know where it's at? So I'm gonna find it. Like, where's my birth certificate? I don't know where my birth certificate is.

[B]

Well, I hope your mom has it.

[A]

She doesn't, because I brought it with me to Nashville. So if you see my birth certificate on Broadway or somewhere. Not that I've even had it out there, could you call me?

[B]

Oh, my gosh, you're stupid.

[A]

People are gonna think we're drunk or high or something. I'm drinking Sprite.

[B]

I just.

[A]

Which has enough power to.

[B]

My energy is low today, but it's also high. I came in, my heart rate was down 111 and 111. See, I'm 11.

[A]

Why is your heart going. Picture pattern.

[B]

Because I had two coffees this morning, and then I didn't eat anything.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And then I finally ate some, like, chicken nuggets from Chick Fil A.

[A]

How are you feeling?

[B]

And now I'm feeling a little better.

[A]

Okay, yeah, love that for you.

[B]

But I was internally geeking. I think it's because externally, I'm like,

[A]

Well, I think it's because we've been going 90 to nothing the past week and a half. Damn.

[B]

I.

[A]

We had Christy in town.

[B]

8.

[A]

We had some friends from out of town in town.

[B]

I got 18,000 steps on Monday.

[A]

That is 18,000 more than I ever want to take.

[B]

I have to just make a confession, though. This past week, my steps have all been about above 8,000. And if you scroll before this week. It's like 3,000 per day. 2,000 per day.

[A]

Oh yeah. Well, that's cuz you don't leave the apartment.

[B]

Hey, I've been leaving the apartment every damn day.

[A]

But at least you're productive. I mean, you do your laundry like.

[B]

Yeah, you should see Riley's pile of laundry. It's from here to the very top of the Tower of Babel. Do you think people know what that is?

[A]

It's in the B I B L E. The book for me.

[B]

The Holly Bibble me and Madison were singing. It's a grand and glorious feeling Glorious feeling Just to be a child A child of God. No, no, no. Okay, that's enough hymns.

[A]

Cause we'll pro up cussing in 10

[B]

seconds just to be walking and to be talking. You will only know that if you went to a Southern Baptist church, Which is the worst. Oh, to. Not the worst, but it definitely means you drink. Friday night.

[A]

It's the worst to grow up having the job we have. Because everybody's like, you can't make no money on social media. Riley and Landon just do nothing but talk to their phones all day and post on this. The Internet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They could be doing better if they came to youth group on Wednesday night.

[B]

That's how it goes.

[A]

Telling you, Southern Baptist women are the most judgmental women that have ever walked God's earth.

[B]

And I agree with that.

[A]

And I'm related to some of them.

[B]

I'm related to probably all of them.

[A]

I. I definitely am. I get called out on Facebook every other day. It's like, okay, we get it. You are high and mighty and holier than thou.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

8th June or some dumbass name. Go ahead and go down to 12 south or somewhere and open your boutique. Yeah.

[B]

No, they couldn't. Could you imagine if a little church lady came here to Nashville like on a Friday night or a Saturday night?

[A]

We've seen.

[B]

Well, actually, Church of God. We've seen a group of Church of God ladies in the. One of the bars the other day. They had their pencil skirts on. Blue jean pencil skirts.

[A]

And they was their hair in a tight bun.

[B]

No, their hair was.

[A]

And they were honky and Tonkian.

[B]

They were. They were.

[A]

Anyways, the higher the hair, the closer to Jesus does. They say we're literally just rambling. I hope y' all don't mind. Hell, I feel like we're just on FaceTime at this point.

[B]

We're introducing. Let's go ahead and give them a little secret.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We're introducing a new segment to the podcast soon. And it's going to be a spin off of Are you smarter than a fifth grader? And do you think. Let's get their predictions. Do they think I'm going to be smarter than a fifth grader? Or you're gonna.

[A]

If you think Landon's gonna be smarter than a fifth grader, comment. Landon. And if you think I'm gonna be smarter than a fifth grader, comment. Riley. Let's just look up some questions. Are you smarter than a fifth grader? And ask each other.

[B]

Okay, Go ahead. We're gonna do a little practice run, see if we like this. Is that okay with y'? All? My everybody in the audience.

[A]

This is not planned either.

[B]

Do what we have to do. Yeah, I'm excited for this.

[A]

Well, that can.

[B]

Remember like you're sitting like a bump on a log. Are you comfortable? Michaela? Loving the shoes. What are those?

[A]

I don't know. They're from DSW. That's all I know.

[B]

Oh, yeah. From like, 1942.

[A]

Okay, these are not that bad.

[B]

Well, just pick one. Don't pick. He's gonna pick them. That the only ones that he knows.

[A]

I was gonna quiz you.

[B]

Okay, quiz me.

[A]

What is the ocean off the east coast of the United States?

[B]

The Atlantic?

[A]

Yeah. What country is directly north of the United States?

[B]

Canada.

[A]

We are already smarter than Canada.

[B]

Give me a good one.

[A]

How many continents are there on earth?

[B]

Seven.

[A]

Okay, hold up Harder. I feel like I'm taking a damn pop quiz in the fourth grade.

[B]

Maybe I am smarter than a fifth grader.

[A]

Oh, chatgpt said, good because those were soft. Oh, these are math. I don't get it.

[B]

Oh, ask me.

[A]

What is 25 of 480?

[B]

Don't know.

[A]

I don't think anybody in the world can.

[B]

Nobody. That's not like, are you smarter than a fifth grader?

[A]

That's.

[B]

Can you use your damn calculator?

[A]

What are the three states of matter?

[B]

The three states of matter. Is that like protons, neutrons, electrons?

[A]

I think it's a liquid, a solid, and a gas.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, but that was a good, educated guy. That was educated.

[B]

So what is that? What's a proton? What are those called? Protons, neutrons, electrons, atoms. That's a part of an at. It was a part of something.

[A]

What's the largest country?

[B]

The largest country? Russia.

[A]

Correct. Yeah.

[B]

Is that a fifth grade question? Did I learn that in the fifth grade?

[A]

They'd be learning some hard in the fifth grade. I remember my little brothers would bring home homework, and they'd be like, riley, can you help Me with my homework. And I would say, yeah, okay, I'll help you. Hell, I had to Google some of the answers. They don't be giving home. Teachers don't be giving homework no more. They'd be giving damn textbooks and damn encyclopedia. 5 paragraph essay, double space, 12 point times in Roman font in the 5th grade. I can't be doing that. And kids are still growing up dumb as hell.

[B]

How do you feel about homework? I want to get on this topic a little bit.

[A]

I feel like.

[B]

I think it's a big crock of.

[A]

I feel like these kids go to

[B]

school for eight damn hours a day and then they have to come home and do more work. Now I get if you didn't like finish your work in class or something, then, you know, send it home with them. Make them do it, make it do the next.

[A]

It depends on what classes you're taking because I had some.

[B]

I had honors playing the hell outside when they're done.

[A]

Okay? But I had honors classes. And sometimes like my history teacher would give a study guide for homework the night before the test and then he would let us use the study guide on the test. And the damn study guide was the test that's optional.

[B]

Like, that was up.

[A]

Yeah, but if you don't do it and then you. You fail and you start being a. Then that's.

[B]

I don't agree with assigning like homework that is 100 required.

[A]

Yeah, I agree. I don't need it. I mean, damn, you think I did my homework?

[B]

I didn't.

[A]

I didn't either. I barely.

[B]

And I wish a teacher would tell me, landon, you're going to fail my class because I didn't. You didn't do your homework.

[A]

I'm pretty sure teachers did tell you that.

[B]

They did. You know what? I told them off. And that's why I got silent lunch and ISS and no, I didn't fail. I skipped 88 days or something like that of my senior year and still made all a.

[A]

Let's. Let's tell some funny. I am smarter than a fifth hello.

[B]

What?

[A]

Can we tell some funny teacher stories?

[B]

I think we already have.

[A]

We had it. I had a teacher one time in the fourth grade. We were having a little school party and the parents were coming and listen, if you know my nana, you know she's a damn savage, okay?

[B]

She will cut you.

[A]

And this teacher was like yelling at me and being like really rude and. And she turned around and she was crazy standing right behind her and she didn't know it

[B]

her.

[A]

She probably could have shed A brick. I don't remember what Nana said to her, but I remember my Nana has left an impression on just about every teacher I've ever had. I mean, I was that kid that. Whose parents would cuss you the hell out.

[B]

Mine did, too. I called my teacher a one time, more than once, and they were like, we're calling your mom. And I was like, okay, call her. And of course my mom. The first question out of my mom's mouth was, well, were you being a. That's just the kind of mom I had.

[A]

You know, some of them teachers think they're above the law. And you know what? If I had to deal with some of the kids nowadays, I commend to

[B]

teach nowadays, but I really wasn't deal.

[A]

I see some of the damn kids coming out of public school and I think to myself, Holy, your teacher makes 45, 000 a year, and hell, damn, I have to put up with you.

[B]

I know I could never be a teacher, but there's just some people that hate their. That are miserable.

[A]

And I thought about being a teacher.

[B]

You really wanted to be a. A history teacher?

[A]

Well, what else? What else would I take? What would you teach if you were a teacher?

[B]

English or math.

[A]

I would. I could teach English. I could teach English science or social studies, but I could never teach math. Every damn kid would come out of

[B]

there looking like you hated your math teacher in high school.

[A]

I hated a couple of them.

[B]

All of them?

[A]

No, I loved Ms. Woodard and Ms. Hughes.

[B]

Who did you not like?

[A]

I don't know, Landon. I didn't like a cup.

[B]

One of them called one of the students a p. Well, one teacher told

[A]

me that I would never amount to anything in life. And now I'm pretty sure I make

[B]

triple of his quadruple their salary. Yeah, so which one was that?

[A]

He also told me that.

[B]

Oh, I know who it was.

[A]

I couldn't make a living run in my mouth. I don't give a Pancake Pantry. Oh, hell.

[B]

Oh, hell.

[A]

We went to Pancake Pantry the other day, and we were standing in line, and the line's like 20 people long.

[B]

30.

[A]

No, it was not 20 minutes long.

[B]

Yeah, there was a lot of.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Anyway, I went to Pancake Pantry.

[A]

Humpty Dumpty's ass was in there.

[B]

So you walk in and there's a little foyer or whatever it's called, and you have to stand outside. It's colder than hell outside. And you have to, you know, you move up through the door to get in a little foyer. And then before you go into the restaurant, you know, whatever. So there's these two men standing in there. I'm 700. I'm gonna be a. He was a Stark Raven. He's about £750. He was definitely from up north because that damn accent. He had an orange hat on. If you see this. I hope your pillow is cold for the hot. I meant hot. Hot for the rest of your damn.

[A]

I hope whenever you lay down, your neck sweats, it's so hot.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, and he was standing right at the door. There was nobody else in the foyer. There was like 10ft in front of him, and there was a bunch of old people behind us there. It was cold outside. And we're standing in there, and so more people are trying to come in. And I say, can you move.

[B]

No, I said it. I said, can you move up just a little bit? That's in that exact house.

[A]

He turned around and he said, please would have been nice.

[B]

And we were calm, and we didn't say nothing.

[A]

Well, I mean, I was just wondering if you could please move up. Like there's. There's a lot of people in line and, you know. You know, please would have been nice. Did your parents raise you like this? I said, what's common courtesy to move the up when there's nobody in front of you?

[B]

And then he just kept. And then that was the end of it. And he just kept going. Hope you have the better. Hope you have a better day. Yeah, the was hungry. Morning. The damn pancake.

[A]

Whenever it was his turn. And no wonder why it took us so long to get our food.

[B]

He probably because he ate 40 of them.

[A]

Whenever it was time for him to go, I said, I hope you enjoy your breakfast. And then I seen his dad coming out of the restroom, and his dad just looked at me and said, have a great day, sir.

[B]

He knew that his son was a damn.

[A]

Is your dad proud of you because he's 84?

[B]

I can't deal with people like that in public. We will cuss you up one time down there.

[A]

And that's why if you are and

[B]

tell you that you look like the

[A]

south side of a northbound donkey.

[B]

If you are the ass.

[A]

The ass of the ass. If you move to the south from up north or out west, we don't care about your political views. We don't care about your race, your gender. But if you're gonna be a. Then you can stay your ass at the Great Lakes because the Cumberland river, there's no room for you here. Don't come to the South. Being a twat and not expect. I get passionate about this because I run into so many people here that have never seen Southern hospitality in their life. If you're going to be an insufferable.

[B]

Okay, we need to calm down.

[A]

Our blood pressures are high. Stay your ass in New York, in your side of the country, and you don't have to worry about me coming there because I don't like cold weather or the desert.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm perfectly good in my Appalachian Village.

[B]

We're calm.

[A]

We're calm.

[B]

We try to get that off of our system.

[A]

Good. I've never been better, actually. Yeah. But anyways, I love you if you come here, but just.

[B]

Yeah. And just be nice in the Pancake Pantry. We were nice to him. We were overly nice. Even the people behind us were like. He just kept going, y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

Sorry, y'. All. Could you imagine if your nana would have been in the room?

[A]

No, because she would have been in prison.

[B]

I can just tell you now.

[A]

My nana would have literally my mom get her Louis Vuitton pocketbook and beat the out of him with it.

[B]

Mm. Yeah, I'd have been bad. Anyways, we were actually very nice.

[A]

Anyways, other than that little riff raff debacle, we were.

[B]

We had a good time at Pancake Pantry.

[A]

Except for a lady driving a public transit bus yesterday blowing the horn at us in 12 south.

[B]

Pedestrians have the right of way.

[A]

We can't just hit somebody, Linda. And hell, you work for the city.

[B]

You should. We pay your salaries. Don't honk at me.

[A]

Don't honk at me. You're using my tax dollars to press that horn.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Damn, Linda. Go back to being the county clerk.

[B]

Grandkids. Well, eat a butterscotch. That was fun.

[A]

It's kind of hard to retire when gas is $5 a damn gallon.

[B]

Don't even get me started.

[A]

I seen diesel yesterday. 625. Could you imagine if you drive a damn truck?

[B]

I had a truck once. Everything.

[A]

Yeah, he hit the McDonald's lot. One time.

[B]

I hit the McDonald's lot.

[A]

The Sonic stall.

[B]

Sonic stall. Took off the sonic stall. I hit. I backed into black pole at the Mexican restaurant. I probably backed over some other vehicles, just.

[A]

Oh, we did hit a car one time. Or was that me?

[B]

That was you.

[A]

One time I hit a car in the movie theater parking lot back home years ago when I was, like, 16. I hit it so hard, it moved it out of place in the parking lot.

[B]

But you hit its tire.

[A]

But I did. There wasn't a mark on the car. So I left. So I did a hit run. So I'm a fugitive.

[B]

Fugitive of the law.

[A]

But it didn't hurt the car. And I'm pretty sure the person who drove it was related to me.

[B]

Probably everybody's related to us.

[A]

Yeah. So, you know, I just. People have been saying they wait all week to watch our episodes, and our episodes are not long enough. Y', all, if we could have a camera on us at all times, we would. Okay, I would love a reality TV show, but not right now. But me and Linda did have an idea for a tv.

[B]

We do want an idea for a reality TV show. And this is what it's going to be.

[A]

So if any networks are listed listening, you better not steal this or you will be hearing from my attorney.

[B]

No, for real. We want to make a reality television show where we travel the country and maybe even the world. But I don't know if they have ranch in other parts of the world, but I know they have it here in the country, in the United States. We want to travel the country and give recommendations to restaurants on how to make their ranch better.

[A]

Yeah. And honestly, I'm a hard critic because I only like a couple different ranches.

[B]

Me too. And, like, not to mention, we can even. Not just restaurants. We need to go to the headquarters of people like Sonic and Chick Fil A and tell them how to make their packaged ranch better.

[A]

Right. Yeah, I agree. I feel like a lot of package ranch could do better. The best package ranch that, like, isn't homemade is probably chick fil A. McDonald's ranch sucks.

[B]

Sucks.

[A]

Sonic Ranch is only good with Sonic food.

[B]

Agreed.

[A]

Wingstop. Wingstop Ranch.

[B]

Wingstop Ranch. Yeah, it is. But Wingstopper is probably the bar in, like, top five, you know, kind of.

[A]

You know, it's kind of weird that we eat sauce in a pack. If you think about it. Do you know how hot that sauce probably gets? And we're. We just open it up one day.

[B]

Jax has good ranch, they make theirs homemade. Jack's, the fast food restaurant. Anyways, we just want to travel the country and tell people how to make their ranch better. We have a great recipe for ranch and we can't share that. We'll share on the TV show, but

[A]

maybe we'll have a cookbook.

[B]

Maybe we will. Maybe we'll have a ranch cookbook. I'll have a cookbook. Well, anyways, that's our. That's our show.

[A]

Following ideas.

[B]

Nobody wants no damn fresh. Oh, tell them we'll go ahead and give you a sneak peek. You make less is more.

[A]

And if you make ranch with a damn salad of dill in it, you're already.

[B]

Or Greek yogurt.

[A]

Oh, if you ever look at me and say, you know, you can sub out Greek yogurt for that and cut the calories, I'm gonna slap the out of. Because if I wanted to cut the calories, I'll grab a knife.

[B]

Not.

[A]

I don't like that I cut my calories with a knife, cutting my sandwich in half, etc. I'm not going to cut calories for damn Greek yogurt, but rally it has more protein. If I wanted more protein, I'll eat a damn beef jerky stick.

[B]

Yeah, if you make ranch with grilled chick yogurt, you're just.

[A]

If you make anything with Greek yogurt, I'm not saying. Listen, everybody. I just can't deal with those same

[B]

health freaks that are Jillian Michaels about to jump on our ass.

[A]

I just can't deal with those same health freaks that are like, oh, my gosh, did you know that you could cut the calories by swapping your mayonnaise for ranch? Okay, I don't know where the hell you come from, but I grew up in the South. I'm not swapping mayonnaise for yeah, baby, it's Dukes or nothing. Dukes craft or nothing. Helman's or nothing. The only damn mayonnaise I will not eat is Miracle Whip. If you willfully eat Miracle Whip, I need to know if you were abused in your previous life. Yes, your mind. Not physically. Your mind. You have. There's something wrong up there. That is not good. It tastes like.

[B]

It's not.

[A]

If the Dollar general was a food, it would be miracle.

[B]

Family dollar. Yes, family dollar. Family dollar was food, it would be Miracle Whip.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And vice versa. Okay, well, I think this is a good note.

[A]

Honestly, we've just rambled this episode, so let us know if you like it. Let us know if we need to get with the damn program. Yeah, and until then, we'll see you next week.

[B]

No, we'll send them in. Cousin Council. Oh, yeah, this is Cousin Council. Why do you have me doing this submission? It's dumb.

[A]

It ain't my fault someone lives a stupid life. This is severely up.

[B]

Okay, let the Cousin Council begin. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Cousin Council. This is where you send in your submissions or stories or whatever the hell you want to tell us to. The bloodline [e-mail] the bloodline [e-mail] you know, it's like we've never done this before. Hell.

[A]

Sorry, I, I.

[B]

Okay, read me one. Let's get started. Judge Mock is on the case.

[A]

Okay. This one's serious. I laugh in serious situations. I'm gonna try my best.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I lost my mom in June. Then two days later I lost my grandma. Eight days later I lost my other grandma. Five months after I lost those three, I lost my other grandma. Then I recently lost my papa. How do I get over this? You pray. And I mean do something to get your mind off of it. I hope whenever you watch you can kind of tone everything else out. If we can get along for long enough to. Yeah. Or make you glad.

[B]

You giggle, make you laugh. Maybe we take your mind off of it or something. Hopefully, I guess. But other than that, I don't.

[A]

That's a rough one. You're gonna have to pray about it. Yeah. Because I think I would be. I would be on a psych ward.

[B]

I would be probably. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. We love you.

[B]

Yes. Do they have a name?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Hi. My blind friend and I went to take. Okay, well this is a damn topic change. Hi. My blind friend and I went to take pictures in the woods one day and found a deer. I tried to pet it and it chased us. Skinwalker or. Nah, I don't know what that means.

[B]

Perhaps don't go in the damn wood.

[A]

What does this have to do with a blind friend?

[B]

Wait, did your blind friend.

[A]

My blind friend and I went to take pictures in the woods one day and found a deer. I tried to pet it and how

[B]

did she see the deer?

[A]

Walker or not. What the hell do you. What is. I mean, I'm sorry, your friend's blind. What does that have to do with anything? Maybe I'm not getting it.

[B]

What? I don't get this. Do you get this?

[A]

I'm confused. And people are probably going to call us ableist for this. I'm. I don't know. I don't. I'm sorry, I. I don't know what that has. I don't even know what the hell a skinwalker is.

[B]

I don't either. All I know is what it don't cancel me.

[A]

I don't know what the hell it means.

[B]

I have a name. No, these people leave your damn name.

[A]

Okay, last one. I need some help. My sister in law told me I was not allowed to have a baby first because the grandchild first grandchild is the most loved. And also said that she is going to have my parents take her and my brother on A trip. And I was completely available and not invited because she found out my mom. Can we finish?

[B]

The first grandchild is actually not the most loved because I am. And I was not the first.

[A]

Well, I was the first. And I'm not saying I'm most loved, but I'm definitely my nana's favorite and she never met that. But. Sorry I had to make a. I need. We're just going to start over. You damn done screwed the whole pooch. I need some help. My sister in law told me that I'm not allowed to have the first grandbaby because the first grandchild was the most loved. Okay, pause right there. What the sister in law said she is in law. She's not in blood so she can shove this up her ass. And also she said she's going to have my parents take her and my brother on a trip if I was completely unavailable. And not invite me because she found out my mom and I were going to a concert together. Should I let her keep treating me this way? No. You tell your sister in law that she's married into the family. And then unless she wants her ass whooped in a size 13 or whatever side sh you you wear stuck up her ass that she better get with the program because she's not going to come in here and steal your mother. She can get jealous if she wants to. If you and your mother or going to a concert, but she's not your mother's child and she can suck my ass.

[B]

Yeah. And Riley, those are the most God awful shoes I've ever seen in my life.

[A]

I know that I look like a Quaker. Okay? They're Birkenstock. They're comfortable as hell. They're comfortable as hell. I know I look like I'm about to go sell a pecan log with the Shriners and that's fine with me.

[B]

Anyways, that was a. I look like

[A]

I did come out. Whoop her ass. Whoop her ass.

[B]

Whoop her ass. Whoop her ass.

[A]

Better yet, send her this video. Hi sister in law. It's time to quit treating your sister in law like she's a piece of suck my ass.

[B]

What? Did they have a name? No, we're gonna name her Regina.

[A]

Tell Regina she can.

[B]

Is that all?

[A]

Yeah, that's your phone. That's all for cousin council. We honestly, I don't know what to tell you other than I'm so sorry for your loss. Whoop your sister in law's ass. And I don'. What the hell a skin walker is so.

[B]

And yeah if you have any crazy story confession question advice, anything under the sun, email bloodline [e-mail] and we'll catch you next week.

[A]

Bye.

[B]

Well, all we've done is ramble.

[A]

I know. I feel like this episode's kind of been all over the place, which is kind of good, because people say that they feel like we're on FaceTime, and some people are mad that we don't have our lives together.

[B]

Yeah. But whatever this.

[A]

Listen, I just roll with it.

[B]

Okay. Anyways, are you ready to wrap it up?

[A]

I am. Make sure you're following us on all of our social pages. And until next week, love you.

[B]

Bye.

[A]

Love you. Bye.