Tree Sperm Took Me Out

Summary

Podcast Summary: Bloodline Banter

Episode: "Tree Sperm Took Me Out"
Release Date: April 16, 2026
Hosts: Landon and Riley (2M Media Group)

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Landon and Riley deliver their signature Southern banter in an episode aptly titled "Tree Sperm Took Me Out"—a nod to the spring pollen wreaking havoc on their lives. The pair catch up on their week, delve into Nashville living, shopping misadventures, nostalgic Southern foods, festival advice, wild animal analogies, and the trials and tribulations of surviving allergy season. The episode closes with their beloved “Cousin Council,” refashioned this week as “Festival Court,” featuring festival hot takes and hilarious listener horror stories.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Morning Routines & Sleep Struggles

• Early Start: The episode kicks off with complaints about their recording schedule and the realities of waking up early ([00:32]).
• Oura Rings: Both hosts obsess over the accuracy and meaning of their Oura Ring sleep scores, admitting that mood and productivity swing on the numbers alone.
  • “I woke up at 3 o’clock this morning because I had to pee because I have the bladder of an 80 year old” — Riley ([01:15])
  • “My heart health is 10 years older than my body, so I’m practically geriatric…” — Riley ([03:08])
• Hannah Montana & Sleep: Landon confesses losing sleep to watch the new Hannah Montana special on Disney Plus, declaring Miley Cyrus his ultimate celebrity crush ([02:16]).

Wearables & Aging Anxieties

• Debate about Oura Ring versus Apple Watch and the stress of wearable devices telling them they’re physiologically old before their time ([03:08], [03:43]).
• Riley laments having to move his ring to his middle finger: “Whenever I flip somebody off, it's accessorized” ([04:04]).

Nashville Shopping & Sticker Shock

• Shopping Adventures: Disdain for the high prices at trendy Nashville stores, especially LoveShackFancy selling sweatshirts at $325 ([06:36]–[07:22]).
  • “First of all, I felt like I needed a spot of tea when I walked in because it’s like damn sterile in there.” — Riley ([06:48])
• How to Beat the System: Advice to buy the same stuff on Amazon or other online retailers for a fraction of the price ([07:35]).

Southern Fast Food & Snack Nostalgia

• In-N-Out vs. Five Guys: Landon and Riley riff on regional burger joints, with Riley calling In-N-Out “kinda overrated” and describing a lettuce mishap in detail ([11:22]).
• Crystal vs. White Castle: Spirited discussion about the quirks and personalities of regional fast food, including staff who “do crack in the parking lot" and the importance of soggy buns ([12:08]–[12:36]).
• Ultimate Southern Snacks:
  • Fried Oreos and Twinkies, boiled peanuts, peanut butter-banana-mayo sandwiches (“I have never felt closer to God…” — Riley, [27:09]), cornbread and milk, handpicked blackberries, honeysuckles, crab apples, homemade apple butter and pickled eggs ([25:46]–[31:16]).
  • “I want that peanut to be so soggy that I could probably eat the shell.” — Riley ([28:14])

Nashville Complaints, Infrastructure, & Local Drama

• Bad Drivers & Potholes: Nashville’s traffic and road issues—“the pothole coming in here has its own zip code” ([13:57]).
• Nashville Electric Scandal: Outrage at taxpayers covering security for the Nashville Electric CEO—“She needs security. Because after so many people went 21 days without power, somebody wanted to whoop that ass" — Riley ([14:56]).

Reality TV, Scandals, & Southern Family Life

• Taylor Frankie Paul & Reality Show Drama:
  • Commentary on the “Secret Lives of Mormon Wives,” Taylor Frankie Paul's on-camera violence ([15:43]–[18:53]).
  • Banter over ABC’s decision not to air a juicy Bachelorette season and the cultural gap between Utah and the South.
• Golden Bachelor Love: Admiration for the “old people” versions of The Bachelor and personal anecdotes involving cast members ([17:39]).

Wild Animal Analogies & Zoo Philosophy

• Visit to the Zoo: Defense of visiting zoos and musings about which animal they’d be if reincarnated:
  • “Put me behind glass and take pictures of my ass. As long as you’re feeding me at the same time every day, I don’t care.” — Riley ([21:37], [21:49])
  • Landon as a meerkat, Riley as a toucan or red panda ([22:03]–[23:30])

Friendship Dynamics & Sibling Energy

• The hosts underscore that their on-mic bickering is all in good fun: “We're both mean as [bleep] to each other. We're brothers.” ([24:06], [24:07])

Food Fights — Literally

• Chicken Salad Chick: Religious devotion from Riley, skepticism from Landon over fruity chicken salad ([24:20]–[25:25]).
• Pickled Eggs, Blackberries, & Mud Pies:
  • Nostalgic tales of grandparent cooking and childhood innovation, including making mud pies at their backyard “drive-thru” ([31:26]–[33:08]).

Allergies & “Tree Sperm” Season

• Pollen Woes:
  • The origin of the episode title—Nashville pollen allergies.
  • “The tree sperm has completely [bleep] me up. Oh, my car still looks like a damn banana pudding.” — Landon ([35:38])
  • Bee stings bring further misery, including a story of getting stung on the butt and swelling up like after a BBL ([36:31]–[37:21])

Military Service (Or Not)

• Both hosts admit they would probably choose alternate ways to serve their country rather than enlisting, mostly due to a lack of fitness and separation from Chick-fil-A ([38:09]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Sleep Scores:
  “My sleep score on my Oura ring was a 78, but I really felt like it was about a 52.” — Riley ([01:09])
• On Overpriced Nashville Shops:
  “We went to 12 South…selling sweatshirts at the Love Shack Fancy store for 325 and I could order that off Teemu for 2.99.” — Landon ([06:36])
• On Regional Fast Food:
  “If you don't know what a crystal is…a white castle is just a crystal with a good credit score.” — Landon ([11:56])
• On Southern Snacks:
  "If y'all have never had a peanut butter banana sandwich with the mayonnaise on it, I don't know that you've lived to your fullest potential." — Riley ([26:51])
• On Pollen:
  “It's like a plant orgy up in the toe.” — Landon ([36:09])
• On the Draft:
  “Well, if they said drop down and give me 20, I would flick a flinger right up in their face…” — Riley ([39:41])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:32] — Show intro, sleep scores, wearable tech debates
• [02:16] — Hannah Montana special & Miley Cyrus adoration
• [06:36] — Nashville shopping adventures & price gouging
• [11:22] — In-N-Out vs. Five Guys; regional burger debate
• [13:57] — Nashville potholes & infrastructure complaints
• [14:26] — Outrage over Nashville Electric CEO security
• [15:43] — Reality TV: Taylor Frankie Paul, Mormon wives, ABC drama
• [19:49] — Southern discipline, family stories
• [21:05] — Going to the zoo, zoo animal debate
• [22:03] — Which zoo animal would you be?
• [24:20] — Chicken Salad Chick disagreement
• [27:01] — Ultimate southern snack rundown
• [31:26] — Blackberry picking, country childhood stories
• [35:38] — “Tree sperm” (pollen) allergy segment
• [38:09] — Would you join the Army?
• [40:26] — Cousin Council / Festival Court: Festival hot takes, advice, horror stories

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Festival Court: Listener Stories and Hot Takes ([40:26]–[47:38])

• Outfit Advice: Don’t wear new boots—break them in!
• Pregaming: “You have to pregame before the game game because it makes the game game better.” ([42:16])
• Group Tips: More the merrier, but beware of “slow moving traffic jam with friends.”
• Camping: Tent camping is not for everyone; camper or RV recommended if you do festival sleepovers.
• Festival Horror Stories:
  • Someone fished a phone out of a porta potty—hosts agree they would “just get a new ID” ([42:35])
  • Bonnaroo sewage flood: “Why is my camper covered in [bleep]?” ([44:27])
• Do’s & Don’ts:
  • Stay for the finale songs—unless you want to dodge parking lot traffic.
  • Learn the choruses in advance—don’t be the one mumbling “watermelon…watermelon…”

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Tone & Style

• The hosts’ dynamic is fast, irreverent, and peppered with Southern slang and sassy asides.
• They oscillate between down-home nostalgia, blunt confessions, and sharp pop culture commentary.
• There’s a heavy lean into personal anecdotes, family stories, and shared regional experience.

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Conclusion

Landon and Riley once again showcase their comic Southern rapport, blending sharp-tongued takes on local life, festival antics, and comfort food with moments of genuine nostalgia and family warmth. Whether they’re roasting overpriced boutiques, arguing about chicken salad, or recounting disastrous pollen seasons, the duo keeps the laughter coming. The episode’s latter half, complete with interactive listener submissions, solidifies Bloodline Banter’s place as a rollicking, relatable staple for fans of unfiltered, rural-inspired podcasting.

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Best for listeners who:

• Love Southern humor, festival culture, wild stories, and food nostalgia
• Appreciate sibling-style banter and regional quirks
• Need a reminder to bring allergy meds to Nashville in spring—because the “tree sperm” is definitely out to get you.

Transcript

[A]

Get away from me. I didn't hear nothing and you go there.

[B]

You're stupid.

[A]

I don't even love this, but I ain't eating no damn tuna fish.

[B]

Well, welcome back to Bloodline Banter. I'm Landon.

[A]

And I'm Riley.

[B]

We usually never say this until the end, but make sure you're subscribed to the YouTube follow. Follow us on Apple podcast, listen on Spotify, do all the things because, well, we love you anywhere you get your podcast.

[A]

We'll see you every Thursday.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Anyways, let's get into it. We're recording at well 10 right now, but it was 9:30, which means it was 8:30 for us and, well, 8:30 for us. Yeah, we had to wake up at 8:30. What time did you wake up?

[A]

Yeah, I Woke up at 8815 actually. Then I hit snooze once and then I hit snooze again and then I finally got up about 8:52.

[B]

You got ready quick.

[A]

Yeah, Wash my hair, wash my ass, dress up, take my dog to pee and come back up and I'm ready to hit.

[B]

Anyways, did you sleep good last night or. No.

[A]

You know my sleep score on my Oura ring was a 78, but I really felt like it was about a 52.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I woke up at 3 o' clock this morning because I had to pee because I have the bladder of an 80 year old. And then I woke up at 5:30 because I've done that the past four days. Don't know why. The sleep monsters after me. And then 35, 40 minutes later, the

[B]

sun comes beaming through your window. You're gonna have to get some blackout.

[A]

I do need to get some blackout curtains because it is 2 o' clock during the day. At 8 o' clock in the morning.

[B]

Yeah, I slept. My aura ring score was 79.

[A]

Just had a hair come.

[B]

Oh well, no, yours was 79, mine was 78. Yours was one point higher than mine.

[A]

I think yours was one point higher.

[B]

We're in a circle anyways. Yeah, we're in aura ring circle and we can see each other's sleep score. And this is how Riley depends if I'm gonna be on a good mo.

[A]

Not. Yeah, I know that if Landon's sleep score is above a 75, he's going to be in a better mood because normally it's like in the 60s.

[B]

Yeah, you know, I don't sleep well.

[A]

It's cuz he watches Netflix still too.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Four, five or six.

[B]

The other day it was. Well, I was up and the Hannah Montana special came out, so.

[A]

Hey, I have no shame in telling y' all that I started my morning the other day watching Hannah Montana.

[B]

The special came out at like 3am Eastern time, 2am My time. I was already up. I was like, you know what? I'm just gonna go ahead and watch it on Disney Plus. I was probably the first one to watch it. It was good. Couple of critiques. But we're not gonna critique the queen, I guess, because Smiley Cyrus is my celebrity crush.

[A]

Yeah, she did.

[B]

Really? Yeah. Ever in my life.

[A]

What'd you say?

[B]

Molly's Ours is my celebrity crush. And I'll never say anything bad about her in my life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyways, on to the next topic. Speaking of aura ring, I love my

[A]

aura ring, but there's pros and cons to. Because now it's like, doesn't fit me.

[B]

Well, I was gonna say I've had an apple watch in an ordering. My apple watch will be like, oh, you took. You're doing great today. Stand up and finish your. Your circles. My aura ring tells me, get the hell up. It's time to walk.

[A]

Yeah, it does. And my ordering gives me like heart health. And my heart health is 10 years older than my body, so I'm practically geriatric. And so I will be putting in for Social Security.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

Medicare. How does it.

[B]

Whatever.

[A]

Do exercises that get you out of breath.

[B]

Walk to the Krispy Kreme.

[A]

Yeah, there's not one around here. I'm not walking. I'm not doing exercise to get me out of the breath. Now I need the breath to breathe. I'll keep my air for breathing anyways.

[B]

Yeah, I. My heart age is 2 and 12 years older.

[A]

Oh, okay. Landon, Excuse me. I'm sitting next to Dr. Oz here.

[B]

Well, no, that's just. I'm just saying that still freaks me out. Low key. That means I'm 23 and a half.

[A]

I'm 32.

[B]

You better get to exercising. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I've been extra frying for a long time, so I don't know if that's going to work anymore. But I do love my OR ring. But it doesn't fit this finger anymore. So now I'm having to starting to wear on my middle finger that way. My. Whenever I flip somebody off, it's accessorized, but I don't like wearing it there. And I'm debating on getting a new one, but they're like $400 and I'm just. Yeah, but damn. Well, I don't want to Spin or ring? Hit me up.

[B]

Riley.

[A]

What?

[B]

Someone was calling.

[A]

He was calling.

[B]

Well, well, what were we talking about next?

[A]

Can you not tell me?

[B]

Back to Hannah Montana. Okay, I. I think we finished that conversation, though. I mean, the. I don't have anything bad to say about Miley Cyrus ever.

[A]

No, it wasn't Miley Cyrus. I just feel like they could have somebody better. Some of the guests made it seem all about them. Like chapel run was like, miley, you walked so I could run. Like, we don't care that you ran. This isn't. This isn't the Shop Around Pink Pony Club special. This is the Miley cyrus Hannah Montana 20 anniversary. Like, yes, we'll talk about you walking and running in your special. We're talking about Miley Cyrus here.

[B]

She won't have a special. She hates her fans.

[A]

She, I, I. My tik tok for you page has been full of people saying, like, she is awful to her fans.

[B]

Have you seen.

[A]

She's gonna sue us for this.

[B]

No, she ain't. She can kiss my ass.

[A]

This is all allegedly for educational purposes only. Landon can't even say her name.

[B]

So, I mean, I call her Chappelle.

[A]

Chappelle Roan.

[B]

Chappelle. That's her.

[A]

It's chapel. Like a chapel for the church, but a chapel. Chapel.

[B]

Chappelle. Anyways, we had an eventful week this week. Our friends came down from Arkansas. We had a wonderful time. We shopped until we dropped. I don't care if I ever see a mall again. If you can believe it, we Listen.

[A]

Shopping is favorite sport.

[B]

Go to a TJ Maxx.

[A]

Shopping is my favorite sport. And I was, I was tired of it, honestly.

[B]

Did you buy anything?

[A]

Yeah, I bought two pairs of Lulu shorts that costed more than hip replacement. And I bought.

[B]

No, let's talk about.

[A]

I bought another aloe hat. I lost my aloe hat because in the tornado. And so I spent an ungodly amount of money for another one because.

[B]

How much was it? $100?

[A]

$82?

[B]

82? Yeah, it could be worse. I feel like.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, it should go up.

[B]

Let's talk about price gouging. Ah, went to 12 South. We went to 12 South.

[A]

12 south for those.

[B]

How come all the stores in Nashville they're selling sweatshirts at the Love Shack Fancy store for 325 and I could order that off Teemu for 2.99.

[A]

We walked into the Love Shack Fancy. First of all, I felt like I needed a spot of tea when I walked in because it's like damn sterile. In there. And I looked down at like it was American flag. If y' all could remember those American flag, Polo, Ralph Lauren sweatshirts that are like 80 bucks. You know, maybe I'm shooting low anyway.

[B]

$3.99.

[A]

They're not 325, I can tell you that right now. I looked down at a pink one just because I was just wondering how much it costed. $325 plus tax.

[B]

That's price gouging.

[A]

That is like, holy. I'm about to start making sweatshirts.

[B]

Let's open a store on 12 South.

[A]

What the hell would we call it?

[B]

And what the hell, I don't know. But we can order all the off Wayfair.

[A]

And then way we went. Yeah, you can get the same thing somewhere else. Amazon for like 19.99 max. I went into a store and I

[B]

was like, oh, I kind of like

[A]

some stuff in there. Number one, none of it was what I thought it was. Number two, there wasn't a damn thing in that store cheaper than $250.

[B]

Yeah, I can go to American Eagle and spend a hundred and get at

[A]

least two pairs of jeans.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, hell, these people, like, Black Friday is just like a laughing stock for them anyways.

[B]

But we went to 12 South. We've done all that shopping. Then we went to the Green Hills Mall.

[A]

That was fun. We went to Broadway. We took our friends to Broadway. They wanted to go to Broadway. We went in one of them souvenir shops because they're tourists, you know, they like to shop. And half of the in there was, like, came from damn China.

[B]

And they're still selling them for $50.

[A]

And it's like, you can order that same shirt for 9.99 and have it in three hours because we live in a major hub for Amazon. That's my favorite part about.

[B]

We ordered anything recently?

[A]

Oh, yeah?

[B]

What'd you order?

[A]

What have I not ordered? Well, I order more than anybody. I ordered tan lotion the other day. It's not even. We've had one day we can tan today.

[B]

We can tan, but we're recording.

[A]

I ordered tannin lotion. I ordered. Damn, I've ordered so much from Amazon.

[B]

We went to the Tanger outlets, too.

[A]

And by the way, just to let y' all know, if you see three camels walking around on my lips, it's because they are wind chapped and I forgot my aquaphor.

[B]

And they're chapped and I'm a whore for.

[A]

Okay, I'm a whore for aquaphor and I Forgot that.

[B]

Could be a song. Dr. Peppa baby. What's that?

[A]

I'm a whore for Aquaphor.

[B]

I'm a needed.

[A]

Give me Aquaphor or you are a whore. Aquaphor. Hit me up.

[B]

Hey, that's good. Yeah, cut us a check. We could work. Okay, so real quick, we gotta tell about something. Riley, real quick.

[A]

As if we've ever been short winded in our lives.

[B]

Okay, fine, Riley. It might not be quick, but it's worth it. May 1st and 2nd, we're going to be at Rock the Country in Belleville, Texas at the Austin County Fairgrounds.

[A]

And before you say that's the too far, it's not.

[B]

Yeah, it's not. The lineup alone should be enough to get you in your car, the plane, the train, on a boat. Wait, do people even go to festivals on boats?

[A]

Does it even matter?

[B]

Okay, sorry I asked. Anyways, Jason Aldean, Kid Rock, Brantley Gilbert, Ella Langley, Aaron Lewis and the state liners, Diamond Rio, Shannon doa, Chase Matthew and so many more amazing artists will be there.

[A]

Basically, if you like country music even a little bit, somebody on this lineup will be your person.

[B]

They've also got the Ray Rowdy stage, a throwback happy hour every day and DJ set. So it's not just a festival, it's a whole damn party. And best believe you'll find me at the happy hour with a lemon drop martini in one hand and a McGlobal trip in the other.

[A]

Landon, I don't know that they will have those. They might though. But regardless, I guarantee you that Jack and his good friend Coke will find me.

[B]

Anyways, come say hey or just silently stand near us. We don't judge.

[A]

Get your [e-mail].

[B]

come on.

[A]

What were we talking about?

[B]

Tanger Outlets. We're on from.

[A]

We went to the Green Hills Mall

[B]

to the Tanger Outlets.

[A]

We went to the Tanger Outlets. First time I'd ever been there.

[B]

They were over in Antioch. They're pretty nice.

[A]

Is that where we were at?

[B]

Yeah, it was two minutes from the in and out. We also went to the in and out. I love the in and out. Double, double protein style, animal style nuts.

[A]

You know, I love the in and out too. And I posted a like eating video that was like five minutes.

[B]

Hey, a mukbang. Go watch our mukbang on Tick Tock. They're funny.

[A]

It was funny. But I'll be honest with you, if I want a hamburger, I'm going to the five guys on a ton of prize because I Just think it's kind of overrated. And they put so much damn lettuce on my. It's double, double protein style, animal style, I bet right into the spine of that lettuce. And about threw the dam up. It was intense.

[B]

But it's like when you have an in n out or no, when you want it, it's like a crystal burger. And they might know what we mean. But when you got to have a crystal, you got to have a crystal.

[A]

If you don't know what a crystal is, if you have a white castle around you, a white.

[B]

Have a crystal, you got to have

[A]

a crystal is just a crystal with a good credit score.

[B]

Yeah. Good explanation. Yeah, but we got to have a crystal. You got to have a crystal. And when you got to have it in and out, you got to have an in n out.

[A]

Have you seen the people that work in crystal?

[B]

The people that work in crystal at my t. In my town do crack in the parking lot. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Crystal's kind of black castle is a little nicer. Crystal is kind of has cheese fries. Crystal ain't got no cheese frog. Yeah, they do. They have chili cheese fries.

[A]

Crystal is kind of like Waffle House. If someone is not smoking a cigarette on the sidewalk before I go in, it's not going to taste right. Your bread's not going to be soggy. It's going to taste like.

[B]

Yeah, and we want our bread soggy. Crystal.

[A]

I get a number one off the grill. Off the grill means just onions, right? No mustard, no pickle. I hate mustard and a pickle. Anybody who likes mustard and pickle, don't talk to me. That's weird.

[B]

I'm in a 1000 agreeance on that.

[A]

And they. They used to have fries that would make you do a damn somersault. The Grand Canyon.

[B]

Okay, whatever.

[A]

But they changed them and now they suck. Yeah, they used to have them limp fries that, like, were real soggy. They were so damn good. And you know, there's nothing like. I don't really like ketchup, but you've got to eat ketchup on your crystal.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

Oh, and mayonnaise. Like a pack of mayonnaise. And the crystals this damn big. If that shit's not oozing outside of it, you're not doing it right. No, sorry.

[B]

No, we're.

[A]

But.

[B]

Sorry. I was looking at the next thing on our list to talk about. You've got bad drivers here. Did you have an experience?

[A]

Well, yeah, on the way in here this morning because the. In front of me didn't know if she wanted to go left or right or stay in the center. And I'm trying to turn right, and she wants to, like, park right in front of the road that we take to pull into the studio, and she just wants to swing it. Why? She was driving a damn 18 wheeler transfer truck. Yeah, she takes a damn corner wide. Wide as.

[B]

I'll tell you what Nashville needs to do.

[A]

What?

[B]

Fix their roads. The pothole coming in here has its own zip code.

[A]

And you said that exact same line last week.

[B]

I don't care. I will say every week until they fix that bitch.

[A]

It's honestly true. Oh, my. Let's talk about this. Okay. I saw yesterday on Facebook, and I'm passionate about this, that the taxpayers of Nashville Electric Service are paying $149,000 a year for the CEO of Nashville Electric to be protected by the Metro Metropolitan Nashville Police Department.

[B]

We're paying for security.

[A]

You're telling me I'm paying for security for a. That can't even get my damn power on when it. When the wind changes direction. I think she can pay for her own damn security.

[B]

Why does she need.

[A]

Do you know how many people in Nashville. Do you know how many people in Nashville could benefit for. I didn't even know Nashville Electric had a damn CEO until yesterday when they posted it on Facebook. Do you know how many people could benefit from security in Nashville? I'm just gonna get security and bill it to Nashville Electric.

[B]

I need security better than the National Electric Service. CEO needs security.

[A]

You. She needs security. Because after so many people went 21 days without power, somebody wanted to whoop that ass.

[B]

You know what? And she sucks at her job.

[A]

Impeach her. How do we. How do we make that happen? Should I speak at the next meeting?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I am here as a taxpayer to say your ass is fired.

[B]

Quite frankly, you're fired. Okay. Anyways.

[A]

Yeah. You're making me drink my champagne, woman. I don't even know your name.

[B]

Okay, I feel like we need to go on to the next topic.

[A]

Y' all are gonna think this is scripted. It's totally not. But we have to have, like, topics because I've got adhd. As Riley, there's.

[B]

It's not scripted.

[A]

That's what I just said.

[B]

Oh, we can talk about that next. That's not on my list. But let's talk about secret lives of Mormon wives.

[A]

Taylor, Frankie Paul.

[B]

Okay, if you've got three first names is the name.

[A]

Anyways, Taylor, Frankie Paul decided to Beat the Frankie Paul out of some guy and he videoed it and posted it. But you know what? Hell, she did it right there with her child on the couch.

[B]

And that was in 2023. And I'm not taking up for the circumstances.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, it was in 2023. She could already done been to therapy for two years.

[A]

Why didn't you come forward before now?

[B]

Because she was going on the Bachelorette and he was a little conniving.

[A]

Yeah, that is messed up.

[B]

I mean, but you know why you look at it. A kid was involved and yeah, I agree. And I would like.

[A]

Okay, this message is for ABC directly. Who the hell decided to take this season off of air? This would have been the biggest season you've ever had in your life.

[B]

Bethany Frankel explained it perfectly. You've got your networks like ABC that do reality shows like the Bachelor and the Bachelorette. And you've got the networks that do the TV shows like Secret Lives of Mormon Wives and all the. The what a Tammy and Thousand pounds. Thousand pounds. You've got those kind of networks. And the networks like abc, they don't want to do like, you know, the scandalous, but that's where the views are.

[A]

But when life drops you a bombshell of a story. Bombshell blow up there. A bombshell has entered the villa and they it up about not airing the season.

[B]

But you know what?

[A]

Not to mention, do you know how much money they're gonna lose?

[B]

Hey, I've seen they were.

[A]

I had already filmed the whole season, right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I mean, that pisses me off. I want to know who. Who she picked.

[B]

Well, I'm. Is she with him? We don't know.

[A]

I don't know. I hope we don't get his ass.

[B]

Somebody said Landon for the Bachelor or whatever it was. I had to comment back to him and say, my nanny thinks that shows a sin.

[A]

You know what I like better? The Golden Bachelor. I like when the old people fall in love. That's just kind of cute to me. And Joan, that was on it a couple years ago, follows me on Instagram and so did her boyfriend Chalk. We should have him on the pod. Yes, she did. They're still married. That is true love, Joan and Chalk. If you're listening to this, I hope you're living a happy ever afterlife. And you should so come down.

[B]

They would absolutely come on the pod.

[A]

I love her.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I remember I was watching an episode when she followed me. We were. I didn't realize.

[B]

Having a watch party.

[A]

Yeah. Spoiler alert. If you do not want to know who Taylor Frankie Paul picked on the Bachelor or the. Is it the Bachelor? The Bachelorette?

[B]

Bachelorette.

[A]

Then pause now and hit double tap so you can skip it.

[B]

As of March 2026, she is single

[A]

and she ended her relationship with Doug Mason who was on the show. That who she picked him. Ocean lifeguard.

[B]

So she could have had a real life Baywatch.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Didn't even.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Decide, you know, anyways. Well, you know, he probably seen the video of her hitting her husband with a chair and said, well I don't want to be abused either. But I will say Frankie Paul.

[A]

That's an awful name.

[B]

Where's she from anyways?

[A]

Utah. Of course she's from Utah.

[B]

Hell, I've seen a comment.

[A]

All they do there is react.

[B]

I've seen a tick. I've seen a comment. It was like it's reactive. What's it called? Reactive abuse. And that probably 1000% is what is reactive abuse. Where you're reacting to someone else's abuse and you finally had enough and like you know, and oh, I have no doubt if there would have been a kid in the room beat the out of him with the chair.

[A]

Listen, if my mom got exposed every time she slapped the out of my dad, I, I should be in prison. I mean that's just. Listen the problem, the reason that Taylor Frankie Paul got caught. Hell for because she didn't grow up in the South. Because if she growed up in the south and she have smacked the out of a man that would aired that twice. It's cuz she's from Utah and you know, they're really nice and Mormon and drink swig and baller and dance in Utah.

[B]

No, it, it was because it was a child.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that, that too. But I'm just saying, I'm just saying.

[B]

Let me just preference this by saying if the child wasn't in the room,

[A]

my mom is what my daddy's ass in front of me when I was a kid.

[B]

Anyways, we're moving on.

[A]

My mom left my dad on the porch one night when he was intoxicated. When it was raining he woke up. He woke up with pneumonia and my

[B]

mom was there and encouraged her to leave him on the porch.

[A]

Yeah, hell, this was when I was a kid. Kid anyways. But you know why? He never did again since I've done the porch.

[B]

Oh God.

[A]

I need a box fan. It's kind of hot in here.

[B]

I'm audio recording to you on accident. You need a box fan.

[A]

One thing we also did this week is we Went to the zoo. The Nashville Zoo. Oh, yeah. We've not talked about that yet. It was fun. And before. Before. User 432-97421 gets in here and says, don't support the zoo. That's captivity. Okay. If you don't support the zoo, then they're not going to have any money to buy the food for the animals. So what do you want me to do? Do you want me to let the rhinos starve? Because you don't want me to go look at them.

[B]

And that's true. And the zoo animals here in Nashville, they're rehabilitated.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They can't live on their own.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No. So we're, we're helping the cars because

[A]

they were born there probably and they

[B]

don't know how to. They don't know anything other than the zoo.

[A]

Honestly, if I was an animal, put my big ass in the zoo, feed me at a certain time every day, I don't have to run to hunt for. I just get to sit there and people watch as people walk by.

[B]

That's the life.

[A]

Put me in a zoo right now. Not to mention. Listen, I've said this before.

[B]

You were a zoo animal. Which animal would you.

[A]

I've said this before and I'll say it again. Put my ass in a zoo where you can give me a climate controlled environment. Because I. When it's too hot, I. When it's too cold, put me behind glass and take pictures of my ass. I don't care.

[B]

Amen.

[A]

That's a rhyme. I Put me behind the glass and take pictures of my ass. As long as you're feeding me at the same time every day, you don't care. Put me in a damn zoo.

[B]

I think I agree. Them animals are living better life than.

[A]

What would you want to be though, if you were American?

[B]

I'm a meera cat.

[A]

Yeah. Funny story. I used to be bigger than. And we used to have a group chat with our high school guidance counselor. And before anyone tries to get him in trouble, we liked it. Okay. He called it. Timon and Pumbaa called me and Landon. Timon and Pumbaa. Well, Landon, take a guess.

[B]

I've never watched it.

[A]

Timone is America. You were definitely Timone. Oh, that's a meerkat. Yeah. And I was the pig. Yeah.

[B]

Speaking of meerkat, one of our producers, Sean, he called me a meerkat one time because he could. He said he could see me like popping up over the glass and then come back down and

[A]

honestly, I don't know.

[B]

Would you agree that I was a miracle?

[A]

Yes, absolutely. If I was an animal, I don't know. I think I would want to. Can I tell you what you.

[B]

You would be?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

This is. You're not going to. This is going to go over your head. Not over your head, but, like, you're not going to expect this.

[A]

What?

[B]

That bird that was doing the training?

[A]

A toucan? Yeah, the fruit loop bird. I would. I would honestly love to be a Froot Loop bird, but.

[B]

What were you thinking?

[A]

That tracks because my mom craved Froot Loops when she was pregnant with me.

[B]

See, what were you thinking, though?

[A]

Which explains a lot, cuz I'm dumb as.

[B]

What were you thinking?

[A]

I don't know. Like a red panda, maybe? No, all they do is lay there and eat. Yeah, but those are whenever they got hungry.

[B]

You ain't that sweet. You're sweet, but you're not that sweet.

[A]

I'm sweeter than you.

[B]

Well, not this week.

[A]

Well, last week. Listen, y' all have to understand mine and Landon's relationship.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That just because we argue on this podcast does not mean we hate each other's guts. Does not mean. If all seen the arguments off camera, y' all never watch this again.

[B]

Yeah, I caught help last week, cuz apparently I was being a little mean in that episode. But in this past episode, you scolded me.

[A]

Yeah, it happens. Listen, we're both mean as to each other.

[B]

We're brothers.

[A]

Yeah, might as well be.

[B]

Let's just start telling people we're brothers, and if they don't see the podcast, they'll never know the difference.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. Anyways, you wanted to talk about. You want to talk about Chicken Salad

[A]

Chick, Y', all, I had to say a prayer.

[B]

We had to take a moment.

[A]

Chicken Salad Chick is hands down the finest establishment that has ever grazed God's earth. I don't understand. Like, Landon never wants to go. It's not that. I never want to go by myself.

[B]

No, listen, let me. Let me defend myself. You're going to attack me because I never want to go to. Chicken salad is just one of those things, in my opinion, that you have to be in the mood for.

[A]

I'm always in the mood for it.

[B]

And that's iconic for you.

[A]

And they have so many flavors. I could. I could.

[B]

But Riley don't even get the best flavor.

[A]

What do you.

[B]

I get the. The grapes and the apples.

[A]

I don't want fruit in my damn chicken. What is that so weird? The Fancy Nancy.

[B]

Fancy Nancy?

[A]

I don't.

[B]

Fancy Nancy has never done Me dirty?

[A]

No. What do you get? It's ranch chicken, bacon and cheese.

[B]

And you know what? That is good.

[A]

I don't want a damn grape in my mayonnaise chicken salad. That doesn't sit right with my spirit anyway.

[B]

It sits right with my spirit. It sends me to heaven, actually.

[A]

Well, maybe you should eat it more often.

[B]

But I do eat it and then little cookies.

[A]

That little ass cookie. A little has got me by the.

[B]

Anyways, let's talk about food. Your girlfriend don't like bold peanuts?

[A]

No, she doesn't. She refuses to try one.

[B]

She's not even tried one?

[A]

No.

[B]

That's like a Southern staple.

[A]

Yeah, I. I don't know. I just got a feeling last night, and I was on Tick Tock and I was watching Tick Tocks of all these Southern snacks. I feel like I need to set up because I am slouching, hunching, and.

[B]

Where'd you get that?

[A]

What is American Eagle?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What is your favorite Southern staple snack? There's so many. You have. Listen, if you've ever been to a state fair, or fair in general, a circus, whatever. Well, we don't have circuses in the South. We have a state fire or a county fire. And, like, you've got to think of this. A fried Oreo.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Fried Twinkies.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You have funnel cakes, which.

[B]

That's pretty worldwide.

[A]

A funnel cake. You have bold peanuts. You have.

[B]

Well, that's just fair food. I'm thinking of Southern snack. Nobody. When I think about a peanut butter banana sandwich with mayonnaise on it.

[A]

Oh, my God. If y' all have never had a peanut butter banana sandwich with the mayonnaise on it, I don't know that you've lived to your fullest potential.

[B]

That's good. It's so good.

[A]

I'm aware that I sound like a country bumpkin hick with four teeth and overalls, but I have never felt closer

[B]

to God when you eat a peanut butter banana.

[A]

If I could eat one of those at the altar, I think I would levitate straight to the mighty throne of the Lord.

[B]

I think I would, too, just. And I would go up speaking in tongues. Tongues? Yeah. Yes, yes. Amen.

[A]

But what's your favorite Southern snack like? For me? Well, a snack. I love a bull peanut, but I don't want a bull peanut from the gas station or you gotta have a

[B]

hole in the side of the road.

[A]

I want a peanut from someone's uncle that drives a 1997 Ford Pinto F250. That's not even a thing. That has Rust on the back of it and missing the tailgate for the past with a propane. That is so, like, one wrong move and you're blowing the whole damn country up.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And I want that shit to be scooped out with a dirty spatula and put in a cup. And I want an extra cup to put my shit in. And I want that. That peanut to be so soggy that I could probably eat the shell. I do. I. I need.

[B]

That's a good way to explain it.

[A]

I need a bull peanut. Like, I need air in my lungs right now. We can't find bull peanuts. We live in the damn city.

[B]

We'll go to Leapers Fork. They got them over there.

[A]

They definitely have both peanuts and Leapers Fork.

[B]

Anyways, I just can't believe she don't like.

[A]

Well, peanuts.

[B]

But probably my favorite southern snack. I don't know what it would be. There's so many. This is not a snack, but like cornbread and milk.

[A]

Oh, and peanut butter in the middle of the cornbread.

[B]

Middle of the cornbread.

[A]

You slice the cornbread down the middle,

[B]

put peanut butter on it and then crumble it.

[A]

Throw the cornbread in a glass of

[B]

milk, jab it with your spoon, and ate it and ate it.

[A]

Have you ever done that?

[B]

Y' all ever done that?

[A]

Yeah. Y' all have not lived yet.

[B]

No, they haven't.

[A]

You know, I don't even have to have a southern snack from, like, a fair. Do you remember, like, growing up, like, getting, like, a. Cut off a milk jug with the top cut off? Going to pick, like, blackberries.

[B]

Yes. Wild blackberries.

[A]

And.

[B]

And taking them back to my nanny and letting her strain that. Because I didn't eat the seeds and I was her favorite, so she always got the seeds out.

[A]

Yeah, I did hate in the damn seeds. You ate seeds and you had to get.

[B]

She would make homemade BlackBerry cobblers.

[A]

Oh, a cup. A cup.

[B]

A cup.

[A]

A cup of milk, cup of flour,

[B]

cup of sugar and vanilla extract.

[A]

Yes, that. Actually, I'm still magnolias. Cup. A cup of cuppa.

[B]

Anyways, and then honeysuckles.

[A]

Honeysuckle. So it would go. And we'd pick the honeysuckles. We'd pull. I don't even know that that was real honey. I don't know what that was.

[B]

No, it is honeysuckle.

[A]

Well, I could eat a damn truckload of those.

[B]

Well, you just pull a little.

[A]

Did you ever eat crab apples?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, they would.

[B]

They're like this big hole drop and not. They were so.

[A]

They were so. They were this big they were apple. They were little apples, but they wild

[B]

apples that grew on a tree in the middle of the damn farm. And they were so sad.

[A]

Nana used to have. My nana used to have a crab apple tree in her front yard. And we had them all so good. My. My nana and Poppy had a tree in their front yard that grew. We didn't know if they were pears or apples, so they called them papes. Every day, my hobby would say, the pabbles are growing. We don't know what they were because they weren't sweet like a pear, but they weren't sweet like an apple. They looked like a parent apple. Had a baby, and it was a papa. It could have been a papa, but my nana would make papa jelly every year, and that was real good on a biscuit. She also. My nana is in, like, her homesteading

[B]

era, and she made some homemade apple butter the other day. And it would have made you. It'd make you horny if you had it. Yeah, it would have.

[A]

Yeah. And pickled eggs. My grandpa has made pickled eggs my entire life.

[B]

And I've always loved them since I was like four.

[A]

I've never liked them. I think they taste like ass until recently. I don't know what ass tastes like, but I'm just guessing. And the other day I was like, you know what? I'm gonna try pickled egg again. So I got the egg, I bit the top off of it, and I channeled my inner Courtney cook, and I put mayonnaise on it and a damn crouton because it's the only crunchy thing I could find.

[B]

And he ate one of my pickled

[A]

eggs, and I could have did a backflip.

[B]

Lester, thank you for sending me pickled eggs. You sent me some.

[A]

And they were divine. Delicious. Delicious. They were good.

[B]

They were good. I was gonna say the fig tree. You never had a fig tree, but I had a fig tree growing up.

[A]

I never remembered nanny's fig tree.

[B]

And if you've ever had a real. We used to get on the four wheeler and go around the house, and it was right at the end of the house to fig tree. And we used to drive around the four wheeler. It was like a little drive through fig tree. And we would pick a fig off the tree and eat it. It wouldn't wash it, nothing.

[A]

We used to go out in the garden. We had a garden every year.

[B]

And my nanny could make my grandpa.

[A]

My grandpa would take us, like, he would take a five gallon bucket to put, like, tomatoes and stuff in. But before we started picking the tomatoes. He would flip the bucket upside down and he would always carry a salt shaker in his pocket. And he would get it right out of the garden. Right out of the garden. He would take a bite off the tomato, salt it to death. That's probably why my whole family has high blood pressure and eat it like an apple. And that was quite disgusting in my opinion, because I don't like a tomato really. But we would do that. We would. I mean, we even grew sunflower seeds. We even grew sunflowers and got our own sunflower seeds one year.

[B]

You did that? I never did that.

[A]

Yeah, they were good. Speaking of drive through, do you remember whenever you and Carter had a drive through restaurant and y' all used to make mud pies?

[B]

Yes, my papa let us. We had some old wood in a shed.

[A]

We built a shack. Is still standing.

[B]

It's still standing. It's been part of the lawnmower. Not a drive through restaurant anymore. It's a shed for your lawnmower. Me and my cousin Carter built this shed and it was just, you know,

[A]

they even built a little drive through,

[B]

like sawed out a drive through window and used to make mud pies. They would be like somebody. Our cousins would come through and on

[A]

the lawnmower, we drive through on the lawnmower and order a mud pie and

[B]

order like a hamburger and it would really be like a mud pie and.

[A]

And probably cow. Sh.

[B]

I made a good mud patty melt. Oh God. It's crazy how the waffle house wishes they could have made that patty milk.

[A]

It didn't hit cuz he wasn't smoking.

[B]

I could have been doing that. You were 11. Hey, I started smoking in eighth grade.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Tell the world it was just a vape though.

[A]

I also started vaping in the ninth grade. But it's okay because I quit.

[B]

We did quit.

[A]

I quit Christmas Eve of year.

[B]

I quit Dec 21 cuz I had the flu. Yeah. And it messed me up.

[A]

I didn't have the flu, but I was like, you know what, Landon?

[B]

But now we zen. We replace it with another bad habit.

[A]

But I use alp.

[B]

Same difference.

[A]

It's not the same difference.

[B]

Zen. No, it is like zen. Give me a little more oomph.

[A]

No.

[B]

Or alp. Whichever one. I. I do both. Sponsor this pod. I will Zen while I. While I podcast and talk.

[A]

Yeah, I actually forgot mine in the car. I forgot mine at the apartment. And I'm actually fanning right now, but it's okay.

[B]

Anyways, two more things we've decided that Riley and I decided that we're professional pool players.

[A]

Bull pool. You said bull.

[B]

I said professional pool.

[A]

Well, we. We need to go play that tonight because we need. We don't ever play unless we have people with us.

[B]

I'm always down to play pool.

[A]

I love to play pool with me and Landon. I think we got our start because we used to play eight ball PO App Store.

[B]

And it's totally different.

[A]

Yeah, it is. But we're good at it. I will say we're pretty damn good at it.

[B]

We've gotten good. We're professional billards. Billiard.

[A]

Billiards. We're professional billiard players. I love to play pool. The only thing I can't do is break. I can't hit it that hard. That fast. Landing breaks and I. Then we.

[B]

And usually when I break, I always get a stro or solid in. So then I automatically get to.

[A]

I love playing pool. It's actually fun. And our apartment complex has a pool table and the sky.

[B]

Michaela, you want to play pool with us one day?

[A]

Yeah, I'll play pool with you.

[B]

Wonderful.

[A]

You all can just come over and we can have a party in the sky lounge and we can play pool.

[B]

Pool party.

[A]

Pool party. We can have a pool party and a pool party. Cuz we have a pool too.

[B]

Bottle girl.

[A]

Oh my God. Crunch it right on the mic.

[B]

That is just. Let's just do a little welcome back

[A]

to my asmr, Our producer.

[B]

Bottle Champagne and us. What a combo.

[A]

If you're listening with headphones on. I'm sorry that we just abused your ear.

[B]

No, they liked it. Anyways. And then the last thing on my list to talk about was just the damn pollen. The tree sperm has completely me up. Oh, my car still looks like a damn banana pudding. And. And I. I ran it through the car wash yesterday.

[A]

I read my car through the car

[B]

wash and it still looks like a damn banana pudding.

[A]

My bam has been boozled. I go outside and it's just like tree sperm.

[B]

Yeah, they're our nose. Nostrils. It's like a plant orgy up in the toe.

[A]

I would like to kill every bumblebee that I see. I just want to let you know, it's so bad. I have had a headache. My head, my.

[B]

My face. In about a week, we're going our. It's gonna sound like we have a kazoo sucking our nose. Listen.

[A]

I have had beef with a bumblebee ever since I was sitting on my front porch one time and I went to sit down and we used to have These like wick, like lattice, but they were metal. They were chairs. They were chairs with holes in them. And I sat down one time to a bumblebee in my ass.

[B]

This thingy.

[A]

You. Yeah, right on the ass. Right on the cheek. I thought.

[B]

I thought bumblebees couldn't sting.

[A]

Well, good splash. They can sing one time, then they die. I'm so glad that little died. He stung my ass. My ass. I don't know how he stung. He stung my ass through my shorts.

[B]

His finger must have been long.

[A]

My ass was damn swollen. For two days I was walking around like I had a damn BBL. I was 13.

[B]

A bumblebee, a bumblebee lift.

[A]

And then they bore holes in the damn. In your damn porch. If you grow up in the south, they're called carpenter.

[B]

I'm buying a damn gas mask. A tactical respirator. Yeah.

[A]

You're gonna see me and you're gonna think, I just came out of a damn propane tank. I'm done.

[B]

But maybe that is something. We can end it. Would you ever join the army? The gas chambers, it was like, yeah, I would.

[A]

I would. For those of you who don't know, whenever you join the army, you have to take off your gas mask. I have ice in my mouth. You have to take off your gas mask and say like the soldiers pledge in a gas chamber.

[B]

I feel like I could do it just because I'm so fucking submarine.

[A]

Like, no, I don't think so. I love this country, but I think that there are other ways that I could serve it. Number one, you don't want me fighting for your freedom. Look at me. I mean, I. I'm not. I'm not too much of a man to say that. I'm not. I don't want to carry a 50 pound rug sack through Afghanistan. Okay?

[B]

And. And I get that because there's no chick fil a Afghanistan. So, like.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Not to mention I don't do well with people yelling at me in my face. And if someone said, drop down, give me 20, I'd say, yeah, but you know, I just. No, I would.

[B]

And I don't like people yelling at me. I would have to.

[A]

I would join the Air Force.

[B]

That's the one I was gonna say. I would join the Air Force.

[A]

I wouldn't join, but I would listen. I'm forever grateful and indebted to the people who serve our country in uniform. But I have enough respect for this country and myself to know that I. That's not me.

[B]

You know, in reality, it's probably not me either, but I would do. If the draft came, I would go.

[A]

If the draft came,

[B]

he would not go.

[A]

I have bone spurs. Not really. I don't know. I don't plan on there being a Dr.

[B]

I talk to my hell.

[A]

Listen, Congress can't get along for. And it takes an act of congress to. To happen a draft. I don't think we ever have to worry about that. Well, if they said drop down and give me 20, I would flick a flinger right up in their face. And it would just so happen to be the third one from the left.

[B]

And that's iconic.

[A]

Known as the bird. And the right. Oh, oh. In the middle. Y cuz there's five. Oh, that's so iconic.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

On that note, we will see you in cousin council.

[B]

Yes, we will.

[A]

There's no telling what y' all bitches have for us.

[B]

No, there's no telling. This is cousin council. Why do you have me doing this submission? It's dumb.

[A]

It ain't my fault someone lives a stupid life. This is severely up.

[B]

Okay, let the cousin council begin.

[A]

This is festival court.

[B]

This week's cousin council has been turned into festival court because, well, Riley and I are headed to Rock the country on May 1st and 2nd, and we're about to do some festival shenanigans.

[A]

So we'll see you in Belleville, Texas.

[B]

Anyways, let's get started with some festival hot takes.

[A]

Okay. Should you go all out on the outfits? Think Coachella. You know, I have mixed emotions about this because I definitely think that you want to dress for the occasion, but don't wear boots that have only been worn one time in your whole life, because the only thing you're gonna leave there with is memories of blistered ankles.

[B]

Yeah, I think I'm in agreeance on this. I definitely think you should. You know, if there's a theme or something, which. There is a theme for rock the country. Y' all need to look those up. They're iconic. Follow the theme and stuff. But I don't know that you go like, Coachella crazy.

[A]

No. Because it's not that big of a deal.

[B]

But I will be dressing in the themes.

[A]

I will be too.

[B]

Yeah. Don't wear anything, you know.

[A]

Okay. If you're in a group of more than four, are you even really at a festival or a slow moving traffic jam with Friends? You're definitely at a festival that feels like a slow moving traffic jam with friends.

[B]

But I think the more the merrier, honestly. Bring get them in a Whole group. Bring your whole entire friend group.

[A]

And listen, honky and tonky, honky and tonky together make the memories.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thoughts on camping out at a festival for multiple days. Now, listen, I love a good time, but I'm not camping for nothing.

[B]

Yeah, we don't camp, but a lot of people do. And it's iconic because they have camping spots at Rock the Country.

[A]

Do they?

[B]

Yeah. So you can bring your camper and camp if that's your thing. I think you should. I think you should bring your camper set up.

[A]

I will camp in a camper. I'm not camping. No, that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think camping at a festival for multiple days is pretty iconic if you don't have a job and can. Can withstand it.

[A]

Next. Is tailgating before the gates open just as good as the festival itself? Honestly? I think so. You have to pregame.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

You have to pregame before the game game because it makes the game game better. I agree. So yes, I think you should tailgate,

[B]

tailgate in the parking lot, crack open a couple of beers and have a good time.

[A]

Yeah. All right, it's time for some festival horror stories. You guys have sent in your festival horror stories. And let's see how it goes while using a porta potty at Coachella. Okay, there's your first mistake. We heard a commotion and realized a girl nearby had dropped her phone in the toilet. Normally she would have just let it go, but her cards, money and ID were in it too. One of her friends took one for the team and finished and fished that sucker right out. The festival had just begun, so the porta potties were quite dirty, but still gross. That adds one more reason I don't believe in keeping your id, credit cards, and money attached to your phone. Well, listen, I can't carry around a wallet because I've lost more wallets than anybody cares to admit. But I do have all of my stuff in the back of my wallet.

[B]

But if the person that fished that sucker out.

[A]

You're a better friend than me. I'm not getting an A porta potty for any of my friends. Whoever dropped it in there, I honestly would have just. It would have been lost the next day. I would have went to the bank, got a new debit card. I would have went to the dmv, got new license. Cuz I'm not sticking my hand in somebody else this yet. Yeah, and I'm not even sticking my hand in my own.

[B]

Well, and you know, maybe next festival for you, you should bring a clear Bag clear bag policy. Yeah, it always works.

[A]

A fanny pack.

[B]

A fanny pack.

[A]

A fanny pack. Because if you drop the fanny pack,

[B]

I think we should bring back.

[A]

Grab it and wash it off.

[B]

I think we should bring back fanny packs.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

If I see you at Rock the Country and you're wearing a fanny pack back, I'm stopping you and taking a picture with you. I think that's iconic.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

A couple of years ago at Bonnaroo, the sewage line broke or something and had. And a section of Georgia camping got flooded with human waste.

[A]

I think that's general admission camping.

[B]

I was not in that area, but I think about it all the time and can't imagine all my camping stuff I spent good money on being covered in.

[A]

I would have marched my ass up to Bonnaroo administration and said, what the hell? Why is my camper covered in.

[B]

What the hell, Cletus? Yeah, that's atrocious. Thankfully, we will. Nobody will have to deal with that. I rock the country. Because we don't. There will not be any of that. But that's insane. Could you imagine stepping out of your camper and.

[A]

And I wouldn't step out. I would call someone with a tow truck and they would tow my ass completely away from there. So I did not have to step out and yet call a crane, lift

[B]

my whole entire camper.

[A]

Lift me up. Spin me right around, baby, right around. And drop me. Honestly.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

That's my feelings. Okay, so let's get into some festival dues and don'ts. We're going to tell you if it's a do or if it's a don't.

[B]

Okay? AKA a festival felony or a festival misdemeanor.

[A]

Okay. Breaking in your boots before you go. Nothing kills the festival faster than brand new leather. Meeting Day 10 Do. Amen.

[B]

Festival do. You don't want blisters on the back your ankles. You don't want crunched up toes. You break them boots.

[A]

As a matter of fact, you need to take your kickers.

[B]

Yes, you do. You need to take them.

[A]

Learn.

[B]

Festival do. So that's not a felony or misdemeanor. That is a.

[A]

That's good. Do that. Yeah, that's a festival. You're off the hook, I guess. Learn at least the chorus of every artist on the lineup before you go. There's nothing like sing along with thousands of strangers festival day. You definitely need to at least know what you're going to sing along with. Because if you're just singing watermelon, watermelon, watermelon holding a beer song that doesn't hit.

[B]

Right. So I guess if you don't do this, it would definitely be a festival misdemeanor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Not quite a felony, but it's. It's definitely illegal.

[A]

Yeah. Stay for the closing song of every set. Country artists save their best for last. I agree with that. But there was another one in here that said leave on the last song so you can get out, not have to fight the parking. And let me tell you something. In my humble opinion, I would rather leave early than to sit in traffic.

[B]

You would rather in your hands and

[A]

play patty cake than to sit in traffic for three hours? Yes, I would.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Honestly, folks, personally, if I'm at a festival, I'm leaving two songs before.

[B]

I think it's a felony misdemeanor if you don't listen to the artist's last song, because it usually is. Is the last one. But I also think it's a felony.

[A]

The best one you.

[B]

Festival felony. If you don't leave a little early to get out of the parking lot. Porn on this.

[A]

But you know what? Those are probably people that are not easily bothered by things. I don't want to have to fight somebody out cuss out four people and honk it for minivans to get out of a parking spot, Especially if you're having to park in a field. That's just festival courtesy.

[B]

But the lineup at rock the country is going to be.

[A]

It's going to be so good. You're not going to want to leave. Leave.

[B]

No, you're not.

[A]

So come on down. Listen to llangly, Jason, I, Dean, Kid Rock, Brantley Gilbert. All of them.

[B]

I love them. And you can see us because we will be there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What better?

[A]

What better could you want to do with your day?

[B]

Okay, well, plus, it's like vacation.

[A]

Take a vacation. Stay in a nice hotel. Yeah. With unlimited hot water. Oh, and a hotel towel.

[B]

Oh, they're so Swiss.

[A]

I would preach.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Court adjourned.

[A]

We love y'. All. We'll see you next week.

[B]

Yes. Love you. Bye.

[A]

Bye. We say this every week, but y' all just would send anything in on a. Y' all know this is not anonymous, right?

[B]

I have to tell you something off screen.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yep. Anyways.

[A]

Anyways, thank you for tuning in. Make sure you're following us anywhere you get your podcast. Tune in Every subscribe on YouTube. Yes. And follow on Apple podcasts. We'll see you every Thursday. And until next time, be good or be good at it.

[B]

Love you.

[A]

Love you.

[B]

Bye.