11: I sat down with Trevi and discussed sobriety scares & a tough breakup - Ep. 11

Summary

Brand Safe with Tana Mongeau – Ep. 11: Sobriety, Scares, & a Tough Breakup (w/ Trevi Moran) Released: July 20, 2026

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Episode Theme & Purpose

This episode of Brand Safe is a heartfelt and candid conversation between Tana Mongeau and her longtime best friend, musician and creator Trevi Moran. The episode explores the realities of sobriety, public scrutiny during recovery, mental health, and coping with a fresh, painful breakup. Tana and Trevi reflect on their journeys, the growth and discomfort of changing in their late 20s, and how they support one another through intimate, often hilarious, and always honest discussion. It's an inside look at healing, self-preservation in the face of internet noise, and the power of friendship.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Beta Episode, Friendship, and Growth

• [02:46] Tana and Trevi reminisce about the first, unreleased “beta” podcast episode, reflecting on how much they both—and the show’s format—have evolved.
• [03:12] They joke about their ability to tangent for an hour (“influencer dentistry”) and the comfort they find in their friendship to be vulnerable and silly.
• [04:24] Both marvel at the rapid self-development in their late 20s: “Each year is so polar from the last...it almost creates this new set of anxiety where you’re constantly living in skin you’ve just developed.” – Tana [04:58]

2. The Realities of Sobriety and Public Perception

• [06:27] Discuss the internet’s fascination with their wilder years, and how online validation fueled destructive cycles.
• [06:58] Trevi opens up about the hidden pain behind the party image: “No one’s showing the dry heaving, the $50,000 in debt, the shaking in the morning.” [06:58]
• [07:32] Tana shares how addiction eroded her self-care and boundaries, even at events (“ballooning [her] own face from addiction”).
• [10:22] A sober Fourth of July contrasted to prior reckless holidays: “It was Roy G. Biv, Rubik's Cube speaking, not red, white, and blue.” – Tana, on losing clothes & memory while drunk

3. Sobriety Scare: Wisdom Tooth Recovery Controversy

• [11:27] Tana addresses the drama after her wisdom tooth podcast—clarifying her medication use and acknowledging the anxiety from fan speculation about relapse.
• [12:50] “I wish so badly I could go back and tell Zanna that there’d be a time in her life where she was prescribed pills and wouldn’t want to take them.” – Tana [12:50]
• [13:19] Trevi shares her challenging recovery, empathizing with pain management as a sober person.

4. Living Sober & Managing Mental Health

• [15:30] Both discuss their current medication status, and the nuance between prescribed, monitored medications for anxiety/mental health and true sobriety.
• [17:14] Trevi: “The only way you can get people to believe in your sobriety is by continuing to be sober.” [17:14]

5. Internet Criticism, OCD, and Setting the Record Straight

• [18:42] Tana acknowledges the difference between constructive criticism and “just meanness,” and the urge to fight back against unfounded accusations.
• [19:11] “I don’t think there is a ceiling [to growth]. I think there’s just, like, going up.” – Trevi [19:31]
• [22:28] Trevi reflects on how everyone’s path to sobriety is different: “If they remove the thing that almost killed them and disrupted their peace, they’re winning.” [23:03]

6. The Addict Demon: Transferring Addictions, Recovery Tools

• [26:44] Both recount swapping substances or behaviors (like shopping or sugar binging) as new “addictions,” discussing the underlying dopamine chase.
• [28:17] Tana: “Being bored is a privilege...peace as well.”
• [29:34] On how the “addict demon” tempts during hard times, and the importance of “auto-correcting” those thoughts.

7. Navigating a Fresh, Tough Breakup

• [40:02] Trevi opens up about her recent heartbreak—her first deep romantic loss—and how she’s handling the pain sober for the first time.
• [41:27] Tana shares her own first major heartbreak, and how sometimes, “a piece of [you] dies with your first love,” but that this is part of growing.

8. Self-esteem, Worthiness, and Love (Especially for Trans Women)

• [46:56] Trevi voices the unique pain of dating as a trans woman: “A lot of men … treated me as less than, or like, the bare minimum for a cis girl was exceptional for someone who’s trans. There’s this new motto: I don’t give a fuck that I’m this way.” [46:56]
• [48:17] “If the world wants to believe that someone like me is not lovable...make yourself the exception and be incredibly delusional...I wouldn’t have gotten into this relationship if I didn’t believe I was worthy of love.” – Trevi

9. Vulnerability, Album Inspiration, & Self-Compassion

• [54:44] Trevi references a viral Ethan Hawke clip: “The one that’s in love always wins—because you give it your all.” [54:44]
• [55:49] The Pamela Anderson effect: “How beautiful is it to be in love so many times? I’m never going to lose that.”

10. Playing the Tape Back: Healing from Loss/Addiction

• [63:10] Trevi discusses “playing the tape back” as a recovery concept—remember the bad as well as the good, don’t glamorize the past.

11. Laughs, Coping, and Power of Friendship

• [58:29] Trevi and Tana recount a joyful night with friends that provided genuine relief amidst their personal struggles—“it was the first time I’ve been happy...since everything went down.” – Trevi

12. Retrograde, OCD Intrusion, and LA Life Chaos

• [73:44] Several stories about recent Mercury retrograde “curses,” mishaps, and the importance of being intentional with words and thoughts.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Sobriety & Public Speculation:
  • “Even though I was in that much pain, I still was very mentally cognizant, especially with my OCD, of the fear of knowing that I never want to be addicted to anything again in my life.” – Tana [14:13]
  • “The only way you can get people to believe in your sobriety is by continuing to be sober.” – Trevi [17:14]
  • “You know in your heart of hearts that you’re in a better, much, much, much better, if not the best place you’ve ever been.” – Trevi [18:42]
• On Love, Loss, and Growing Up:
  • “A piece of me died with my first love, 100%, without a doubt...she walks with me every single day.” – Tana [43:27]
  • “I don’t give a fuck that I’m this way ... If the world wants to believe someone like me is not lovable, make yourself the exception.” – Trevi [46:56]
  • “How beautiful is it to fall in love again and again? It’s the biggest risk with the highest reward.” – Trevi [59:59]
• On Friendship & Healing:
  • “Every friend serves a different purpose, but when I look at the most healing and eye-opening conversations of my life ... they’re always with you.” – Tana [38:57]
• On Internet Hate and Criticism:
  • “Can’t we just all try to lift each other up?” – Tana [32:34]
  • “As Mel Robbins said, let them.” – Trevi [36:48]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Beta Episode/Podcast Growth: 02:46 – 04:24
• Sober Glow-up/Changing in Your Late 20s: 04:24 – 07:32
• Addiction & Internet Validation: 06:27 – 07:58
• Sobriety Scare/Wisdom Tooth Recovery: 11:27 – 15:30
• Internet Reactions & Defending Sobriety: 16:34 – 21:00
• Public Perception, Comments, and Constructive Criticism: 31:00 – 37:00
• Breakup: Heartbreak and Navigating Loss: 40:00 – 62:16
• Addictive Thought Patterns & Healing Tools: 26:44 – 29:44; 62:16 – 65:00
• Retrograde Mishaps, OCD, & LA Stories: 73:44 – 89:46
• Concluding Reflections & Friendship: 90:59 – 94:28

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Episode Tone and Language

• Playful, honest, and deeply introspective. The conversation is peppered with self-effacing humor and their signature slang (“gag it,” “dragging it,” “beta,” “uwu girly meditative peace zone”), but also dives seriously into regret, anxiety, and the realities of recovery.
• Both Tana and Trevi are unfiltered—at one moment cracking jokes about influencer culture or LA chaos, and the next, candidly crying on-mic about heartbreak or sobriety.
• Their dynamic is nonjudgmental and mutually supportive, modeling how friendship can be foundational in personal healing.

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Final Takeaway

This episode is a testament to growth in your late 20s, the ongoing effort of sobriety, and how real friendships help carry us through life's hardest seasons. Whether you’re struggling with addiction, heartbreak, or public scrutiny, Tana and Trevi deliver wisdom, comfort, and camaraderie—reminding listeners you don’t have to choose between being a “mess” and finding meaning. There is space for both, and it always gets better.

“No matter what place you’re in, it can get better.” – Tana [21:21]

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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made sure it all made sense. Easy.

[A]

Create your own AI agent today on Monday dot com. Trevi Moran. My best friend in the world, my sister of a very long time. And get this. We are so Brand Safe Foreign.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Gaggets. Gag it.

[B]

And gag all the hashtag ads.

[A]

I'm so excited to do this with you properly. I. I don't know if the viewers know this, but you were actually like not even a solo before this. Nothing. The first ever shot episode of Brand Safe.

[B]

Yeah. And I don't want to call it Rinky Dinky because that would be really like a dig at your own team, but it was. I was feeling very rinky dinky. This was at the beginning of my like undiagnosed itch gate. Itch gates. Half of my spray tan was coming off, which was making me feel a little dink. That's not like a, like an offensive term, is it?

[A]

Rinky Dinky, girl.

[B]

It's scary out here.

[A]

It is. That's actually a big topic of today's podcast. Is it being scary out here?

[B]

I rhymed something with severe on my podcast. And then I said Paul Revere after and I went straight to Google. I said, now what did he do?

[A]

Because you know, he did something. The only Paul Revere I know is a Noah Khan song. Okay. Get into it.

[B]

So I'm just, I'm really. It's. It's a lot and, and being here and, and in these chairs, I have to like keep my composure and keep my elegance. But like, I don't know.

[A]

This is beautiful. We're in my room right now and my. I just sounded like JoJo Siwa. We're in my room right now and my room never looks like this ever. Like cheese on the walls. It only looks like this if we are shooting content in it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm so happy that we' proper episode because that episode that we shot was beta. And it's so funny because you kept telling me that you were like, tana, you're not gonna want to upload this. Like, this looks like, like, we were in Hawaii in my kitchen, and we were just still figuring things out, and me included. Not even just like the technological side, but I was kind of figuring out what I wanted my podcast to look like and be and all these things 100.

[B]

Because now when I look at it, now that there's a good amount of episodes live, like, you understand your branding, you understand, like, the layout and the format and everything. Like, I think when we started, we knew we really wanted to do it. And it was like over December because I was. I spent Christmas with you in Hawaii with my family, which is so fun. But it was just like, yeah, I think beta is the perfect word. You know, maybe the footage will be usable for something else, but maybe not.

[A]

But there's a couple of things in there that I loved. It's just one of those things where you and I do have that type of friendship where like all of a sudden we're on an hour long tangent about influencer dentistry, which I'm dragging, by the way. Okay. I never want to be a part. She's dragging it. Like, the Internet does love to say she's dragging it to a woman who just wants to continue to share her story, often in, like, serious regards as well. But I can factually say when it comes to my teeth and the wisdom tooth and everything, like, she's dragging it well.

[B]

And I'm over there sitting there like, it's true. Like, I'd have nothing to say.

[A]

Like, to Wonky veneers. Yeah.

[B]

Like, you have rinky dinky veneer. Yes.

[A]

And that's exactly. I have toilet teeth. And I was just on that whole tangent. And like, porcelain. Yes. But my toilet seat is better, you know, than what's in my mouth. Buster has more teeth than me. We talked about Shane Dawson for a minute. We, like, did. We went on like a 20 minute conversation about the canceled couch. And I was trying to sell it on Marketplace using photos of Jelly Roll sitting on it. And it's like, imagine me uploading that now in today's climate, it's like, it doesn't matter. The Jelly Roll was on your couch

[B]

when we recorded that. It's so weird. I think as I get older, six months increments of time, you really.

[A]

You change so much.

[B]

You change so much. And I think that that because we were so used to not changing in our early 20s from like 21 to 25, I would say.

[A]

Like I felt that in my lungs.

[B]

Yeah. But then it's like the prefrontal cortex starts working and then real life things start to happen and you realize how much once you kind of have access and understand who you are and your identity and where you want to go in life, like it's much easier change, but it also, in a short period of time, but it also means it's much harder because you're changing a lot more than usual. So it's, it's a double edged sword.

[A]

You're so right in the regard that like on my 28th birthday I was kind of looking at like how much I had changed from 27 to 28 and I almost feel like the second your frontal lobe develops, especially in going sober, you and I both kind of had that happening where each year is so polar from the last, like who I even was at 27 and everything I believed. I feel like a completely different person to that girl. It almost creates this new set of anxiety where you're constantly like living in skin that you've just now like developed, if that makes sense 100%.

[B]

I mean, I can relate to that on multiple different levels. Transitioning and getting sober at the same time. Like in reality I'm literally, literally six years old. Like I've just now got control of my brain and like look the way that I want to look and all the things that you're saying, like they happen, but I do feel like, like, what do they call it? Like a, like a deer when it's first born? Like wobbling and.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Like what yes is going on.

[A]

Each year of my late 20s feels like that, like I'm waking up in this new year and then I'm like figuring it all out from the ground up each year. And it's so. It can be really scary. I mean, you know, you and I both, I feel like, relate to this sentiment. But like we lived maybe with no anxiety or like thought forethought about anything that we were going to do or like after regret thought about anything that we did or like now at this point in my life, it's like thinking everything through and then sometimes way too much and then sometimes overthinking it and even just perception and like how you're going to be perceived and like all of those things, it's just so interesting. The back half of your 20s, especially coupled with sobriety, I think what also

[B]

plays a part in that is the Internet loved to see us be outrageous.

[A]

I mean like at that time you're right. That was the. That was the marker for views and attention and the Cabo or the Mexico

[B]

Get Ready with me videos coming out. People are, like, obsessed with us, like, being drunk and, like, a mess. And it's like, you know, not only is that, like, making us want to make great content, but it's also, like, not blaming that on you guys or anything, but it's like, we get this stamp of approval.

[A]

Yeah. When you're rewarded for that, you let you snowball it. That was all of my early twenties,

[B]

but then the camera turns off, and I'm, like, ruining my relationship with my mother. Like, you know what I'm saying? It was reparable, thank God. But, like, no one's showing the dry heaving. No one's showing me $50,000 in debt. No one's showing me shaking in the morning and, like, finding a glass of wine anywhere. And I can only speak for myself because I think everybody has different versions of alcoholism and addiction.

[A]

But, no, I'm. I'm retweeting.

[B]

You know, there was an underlying problem with me to begin with. I don't want to be like, oh, like, the validation online, like, made me keep drinking. Like, no, I. Like, I was fully aware of what.

[A]

It's just an easy cycle to get in where if something is working and, you know, coinciding with your job and all of those things, I definitely relate to that cycle. But it is just crazy how much it even changes you. I was talking about this with Makoa Ho in the living room today, where even, like, towards the end of my alcoholism, I was so down to just go anywhere. Like, we go to a nice party where everyone looks nice in, like, sweats with no makeup just because I. I wanted to drink. Like, and I wouldn't. And I wouldn't put on makeup. It's like, you needed contour. You were ballooning your own face from addiction. It's. If you're gonna be that much of an addict, like, maybe pick up the makeup by Mario Stick.

[B]

We got to those phases at very different parts of our lives. When I got to that phase, you were still looking cute going out. I think I was about three or four years behind you. But when we got to the end, like, because I was pre transition, but I was still, like, hiring a makeup artist here and there, like, putting on a lash or, like, putting on, like, a fucking a pump with anything. But it got to the point. Do you remember the phase of my life where I literally didn't do anything but, like, just throw glitter on my Face. Do you remember? Like, there was this vidcon. Like, I will always remember. I do not remember it.

[A]

So euphoria, though. You were ahead of your time.

[B]

Well, that's why I think I thought it was because I was like, well, this is like, I'm giving like, ru. I'm giving like trash. Like, I'm just gonna, like, I'm gonna give the glitter tears. And it's like, oh, that's has nothing.

[A]

Sam Levinson wasn't in the room, you know.

[B]

No, he wasn't. He really wasn't. And it was just. I honestly don't remember that vidcon. I don't really remember that year, but I thought that it was, like, so cute. And so I was like, getting this, like, from, like, Urban Outfitters.

[A]

It was like a urban decay.

[B]

No, but I think there was, like, there was an urban decay.

[A]

Urban decay. Not spiritual Cowboy. That was a guy that we used to know and party with something Cowboy. It was that glitter that you. Yeah, we would just put it up our apple. Boof. Urban decay glitter.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And that's not brand safe and urban decay. I would love to work with you. I love a lot of you.

[B]

We love you.

[A]

Yeah, we do.

[B]

I was urban decaying. Like, there was something to be said about decay.

[A]

Even today, though, it was just so nice because I still do lean a little more. Lounge weary and like, just wanting to shoot in anything and, you know, like, I'm still no stranger to a little mustard on a tea and ripping a podcast. And I think that you motivate me to want to, like, get my look together and, like, you know, just. It is such a beautiful thing about sobriety. Now. I just posted this, like, 4th of July post where I was talking about this year. The fourth of July was always one of my drunkest holidays. And there was this year where I had rented this, like, really sick vintage leather stars and stripes jacket. And I was so excited to wear it on the 4th of July and take pictures in it. And by 2pm, I was literally speaking Rubik's Cube. It wasn't red, white and blue, babe. It was Roy G. Biv. Rubik's Cube speaking. Rubik's Cube. And, like, I ended up just going out into, like, 4 in the morning. The only memory I have is LA and it's giving. I like me better when I'm with rehab.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I woke up the next day, my camera was empty and the jacket was on the floor, and I took no photos in it. And it was, like, very sad. Like, it was just this like, sad, empty moment. I was thinking about that, like, it's. It is nice to, like, sit here across from you and like, be girls and have our little blowout and like, be taken seriously and, like, do a cute podcast and I want to talk more about sobriety with you. But the reason why I was really excited to do this podcast with you and I'm actually breaking my little formula that only I know about. Like, normally I do a solo and then a guest and a solo and a guest and no one else. No one else cares about that at all. Just me.

[B]

But it's a sign of healthy sobriety, though, that you care about organization.

[A]

I do. I do. And this is the, you know, this project has. It's so close to my heart. And everything I've ever done was very close to my heart. I think this is just the most cognizant I've ever been in my life. And the way I care about Brand Safe. I just, I. I want to. The best version of myself on this podcast always. And for the past, like, week or two since I uploaded my wisdom tooth podcast, I had been in a little bit of, like a spiral slash funk, I guess.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And obviously I understand the Internet game. People are going to talk and people are going to say things, and sometimes you're not going to like the things that people say. I think I'm very familiar with that and very okay with that.

[B]

Yeah, you know, kind of like an inevitable.

[A]

But I had done that podcast and I tried to do my best explaining my wisdom tooth recovery and where my headspace was at. And I can kind of look back now, and I think I left out a lot of context in a lot of the things I was saying. And this was my buzzword for a long time across canceled. And I. I hate to use this buzzword in this, but I do think I flippantly said a few things that caused for people to go down these rabbit holes of speculations and leaving a lot of comments, you know, some just looking out. And then a lot of them were in regards to my sobriety. And I had been talking about Norcos and painkillers a lot in that episode because that was a lot of what my wisdom tooth recovery was. And I thought in the moment that I did a decent job of saying in the podcast, like, this is what I was so afraid of. And, like, I don't like to be out of my own at all anymore. And like, weird, right? And I was even saying in the podcast, I was like, I wish so badly I could go back and tell Zanna that there would be a time and in her life where she was prescribed pills and she wouldn't want to take them. Like, you would have to shake her out of the lime green bedazzled Billie Eilish jumpsuit to tell her that, like, she wouldn't want to pop this Norco.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You know, And I think I also was being a little too jokey about things. Like, I was prescribed so much stuff. Like, I'd never seen so many pill bottles across a nightstand. Like, for all the things that were going on across my wisdom tooth. I don't know, a lot of comments were just getting to me. Like, I think a lot of people were commenting, being like, my recovery was like a few days. And while it's like, I'm so happy for you, like, I wasn't being exaggerated at all in the regard that it was the most pain I'd ever experienced. Like, I hated it and I was trying to express that.

[B]

And it's. It's hard when your audience has seen every phase of you. I don't know, like, just because they did know Zanna as well, it's like, obviously a valid thing for them to be like, oh, concerned. But at the end of the day, someone's recovery is not another person's job. A B Everybody heals differently and everybody requires different things. Like, for instance, for me, I had a wisdom tooth removed about a year and a half ago. I ended up getting a fierce dry socket and it took me over a month to heal. I me sitting here, who hates pills more than anything, is terrified of pills more than anything. I could not talk, I could not eat, I could not sleep, speak to anybody. And I understand that and I empathize with that. And at the end of the day, it's like, when you're in that much pain, you're willing to do whatever the it takes to just feel normal.

[A]

But even though I was in that much pain, I still was very mentally cognizant, especially with my ocd, of the fear of knowing that I. I never want to be addicted to anything again in my life. Like, I think that once, you know, peace so tangibly and you feel it every single day and you really know what it's like to be out of that. And you can really look at the volcano that you once lived in and you can come out of the lava and you can go swim in the ocean and you can. I'm using, like crazy analogies here, but it's true. I will do anything to foster and harbor and Ensure I have that. And that's in everything. That's in my relationships, that's in friendships, that's in business, that's in addiction, Mainly addiction. I am sitting here today, and I can confidently, factually say, I am the soberest I have ever been. Even weed. I, like, I quit. Quit loosely quit weed at Coachella. Like, I just was like, this isn't even serving me anymore, and I want to get more sober. I don't even want to, like, be smoking now and again. Even before that, I wasn't really smoking super heavily, but I go through phases with gardening where it can get insecure and it can get kind of weird. And it's kind of like, why are you doing this? I'm just, like, eating a bag of Cheetos, like, hating myself.

[B]

It's not, like, productive is what you're saying.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's not creative and light and silly. So why would I continue to ingest that? Also, I am prescribed various medications for anxiety. Right. And I also understand when I start to talk about a benzodiazepine or I start to talk about Xanax, that people can go to Zanna and go to mtv, Aratana and all of those things and say, there are the people saying, be careful, girl. That's a slippery slope. And then there are also the people who are like, I know, she's on it again and popping pills and abusing them and all those things. And those comments were really getting to me over the past few weeks because I sat down and did my due diligence with the psychiatrists, with the therapists, with the licensed professionals to ensure in my life that I wasn't doing anything to ever regress back to a state of addiction, back to a state of being out of my own. And this is what works for me. This is not me telling anyone that, like, this is what would work for them. But I am the soberest I've ever been in my own life ever. And I plan on continuing to remain way until I die. And I think that seeing comments and even, like, Paige was getting dms and, like, people were.

[B]

I was getting.

[A]

You were getting DMs, I was getting comments of, like, watch out for. And I'm like. And obviously, you and I can kind of just laugh at it because we know that I'm sober. We know that I'm good. But for some reason, I guess it was just getting to me. And then I called you, as I always do, and you said something to me that kind of brought me back to reality. Brought me back down to earth. I might up your quote, but you said. I wrote it down, actually.

[B]

Did you?

[A]

Yes. I always write down the profound things you say. You know, I always talk about counting up and all of those things, but,

[B]

yeah, when you start counting up in the sobriety, that's how you know you're in the clear.

[A]

You said the only way you can get people to believe in your sobriety is by continuing to be sober.

[B]

And as simple as it sounds, it's the tea.

[A]

I know. It brought me back. I was. I was drowning a little in the comments and in the wanting to almost sit and respond to everything. And I think the Internet is very interesting in a way that when one floodgate opens, like, even. Like, I had posted a photo dump with Buster in it, and all the comments were saying, like, that this thing right here on him was a shock collar, and I'm getting, like, the most insane. How could you do that to your dog? You're just a horrible person. You're pretending to be. Brand savior. Pretend to be all these things is a tracker by the company Fee. I use the app on my phone Fee to literally see how many times he licks in a day. I'm so obsessed with my son that I want to know every time he scratches and licks and walks, and he's just little, and our yard is very big. And I just always want to know, like, exactly. It's. It's extreme tracking. Because if anything ever happened to my sweet boy, I would lose my mind. I would never put that on I love bus. And I know he's perfect. I don't know. And then I'm wanting to fight with those comments. And then I'm wanting to be like, no, I. I'm literally perfectly sober. My wisdom tooth was just, like, a fierce couple weeks. And, like, I also thought that I explained that well enough in that episode. So then I was like. But I didn't. And I can look back now, and I know that. And a lot of the things I had said and that needed a lot more context, and I can, like, completely recognize that. But I just. I guess I am coming on record to say that I'm still as sober as ever, and I feel great and life is great and, like, you gotta come online and say it now.

[B]

No, I know. And if I may, like, you shouldn't have to sit here and make people believe that you're in a better place. That's something for the relationship between you, yourself and you. Or what does it mean? What's the opposite of Me, myself, and I, and God, I don't know. You and yourself. That's a conversation for you and yourself. Like, you will. You know in your heart of hearts that you're in a better, much, much, much better, if not the best place you've ever been in.

[A]

And I also don't want that to ever reach ceiling territory. Even right now, I'm on a journey to find the best SSRI for my ocd. And I'm actively doing that off camera. Like, I'm not sitting here saying, like, I'm in the absolute ceiling of my growth, but I also do know, factually, that I am in the best, soberest healthiest place that I have been in in my entire life.

[B]

I don't think there is a ceiling. I think there's just, like, going up. And I think right now is a very good time for you to be aware of all of those things Again, like, what you said earlier, it's like, to know peace. There would be so much that would make me want to go back. Right. Like, I always think about some things in life that are, like, inevitable to most humans. I am really, genuinely scared for my sobriety. But, like, a death.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Life changes in an instant. Right. Like we said in the beginning of the episode, I think everything is so much different now than it was six months ago. It's just like, I just currently went through a really spooky. Or I'm currently going through a very, very spooky moment that genuinely had me not being like, oh, I'm gonna go pick up the bottle. Cause I'm ruined. Or so sad. Because I know what peace is like. It's like, just because one thing happened doesn't mean that I want to blow it all up. And what did you say? Go back to the lava or some sh. But, bitch. It's like, I know you know what peace is, and you don't need to convince anyone of anything. And I know that it hurts for people to talk about you, and you don't even need to convince me. And, like, I know as, like, you're, like, your faux sponsor.

[A]

Like, my sponsor.

[B]

Yeah, I'm your Fonsert. Like, take example. Like me coming back into the friend group once I got sober. Like, nobody believed me, and that's okay. My mother didn't believe in me. My father didn't believe in me. My Daniel.

[A]

I also did believe you when you finally did the work and came back. And that's same for me. I think you finally believed me when you saw me hit my rock bottom and come Back, you know, that's.

[B]

But there's two questions. It's like, yes, I believe in you, but also the second question is like, how long can it go? And I think again, this brings up the thing that you wrote down in your notes. Like, the only thing that I needed to keep doing for you guys to trust me, for my mother to trust me, and for my audience to trust me is like, I just kept on being sober and I just kept on finding my peace, and that's all you can do.

[A]

And, like, I guess I just, I always want this podcast to be that safe space and, like, healthy space for the girlies as well. Like, I think that I want the peace that I'm experiencing and the sobriety that I'm experiencing to help the girlies out there know that, like, you and I are both standing, living, breathing testimonies that no matter what place you're in, it can get better. And I always, I want our community to look like that. And to everyone that genuinely looking out for me or caring, I'm like, I love that and I never want that to change. But just to people starting to nitpick or, like, hate or anything like that, I guess I want to be like the mama bear and, like, fight against it. But obviously I've seen in so many eras of my life that the second that you start fighting against comments and things like that, it just continues to foster that environment. So it's like this weird standstill of like, no, no, no, we are, we are in uwu girly meditative peace zone over here. But at the same time, like, it all goes back to what you said. Like, just as so long as you continue to be peaceful and a good person and know that you're the best version of yourself, like, the universe has the rest under control. I also think we're in a fierce retrograde.

[B]

It is. Something about this retrograde has absolutely tested me. But to finish this part off, I will just say this one thing. Everybody has this idea of what sober is supposed to mean based off of movies or, you know, maybe somebody heavily involved in AA that, like, she should be going to meetings every day, or I should be going to meetings every day and being a part of, like, I think that a 12 step program or doing things like that is really, really helpful or abstinence on all things. But every single human is different at the end of the day. And if they remove the thing that almost killed them and disrupted their peace, they're winning.

[A]

That's also like, something that I kind

[B]

of and can Stick to it. Like, don't fall down another vice. And you're not. But I'm just saying, like, everybody has a different definition. You don't need comply with what everybody tells you that needs to be because I struggle with that. Like, I will even admit here I have an emergency anxiety medication.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And, you know, a lot of people in AA shamed me for that. I'm sorry. But, like, as someone with extreme anxiety, like, a f cking hydroxyzine is just not gonna do it 100%.

[A]

I wouldn't have the lowest dose prescription of Xanax, by the way, if I knew that I could not. Not take it healthily and when I needed to, not recreationally and not to get up because I don't want to lose the cognizance and the awareness in my life. I don't want to. Like, it's the same reason that I went sober. I didn't want to ruin my life. And I do think sober is such an overarching sentiment. You hit the nail on the head there, where it's like, I stopped drinking, I stopped snorting the floor, and I stopped doing and taking crazy. Like, you're not going to catch me at edc. Pap de molly. I'm sweating. You're not going to catch me even mushrooms. Like, I don't to be out of my own, and I'm never taking anything to be out of my own ever again. And yeah, weed is maybe the only exception, but still, I'm even in a place in my life where I only ever want to, like, have like, one milligram of an edible or, like, one little hit of a joint. If I'm, like, sitting by the fire with my friends and making s' mores or moa and I want to, like, watch a weird movie and giggle in bed. There were even errors of my life where I was doing that to numb and run. Like, I just, just. I do enjoy being so heavily present in my life. And, like, I'm alcohol free and I'm like, hard anything free. And anything that I'm, like, prescribed or taking, like, trust that deep evaluations with a psychiatrist and therapist and all of the things happened to get to that point to get me to just be and feel my best self. And again, I'm not at the ceiling. I'm literally still on a Zoloft or Prozac journey because I need the menahune in my brain to show shut the up. Like, please. Yeah. Menehune is a Hawaiian urban legend. Oh, little. Almost like fairies or sprites but that's what I call my OCD thoughts. They are the menahune because they love to talk. I also think that I'm grateful for those comments almost inciting me to have this conversation, because I think that for the past few months, I got in this place where I didn't want to be annoying. And this is just me overthinking about sobriety. I was like, I don't want to just like drill it down people's throats or make it like my whole thing. And all I talk about when the reality is should be all I talk about, it is the best thing to ever happen to me. And I love screaming it from the rooftops. And like, even just like, I had seen a few comments on Tick Tocks of my sobriety video of people being like, oh my God, is this her whole shtick now? And I think I internalized those. And it's like the reality is, is like, how lucky am I for that to be a big part of my whole shtick right now? Your whole shtick used to be sticking your tongue out and taking your out and everything and licking strangers on photographs on your grid. Like, thank God I don't know. This. This brought me back to wanting to continue to just talk about it. And I'm so lucky to have you as my best friend to, like, do that with.

[B]

It's never something you should be ashamed or feel like you're gonna bore people to talk about.

[A]

Like, that I'm okay with. She's dragging it.

[B]

Yeah. Because you also need to, like, at the end of the day, it is a huge deal for people like us, literal addicts, and like literal addicts, because it's not only the way we approach substance, it's. It's the way we approach all aspects of our lives.

[A]

So true. And that's an interesting podcast within itself because you quit your addiction and then. And I noticed this, I talked about this in my one year sobriety video. I noticed that there were little things that could have easily started slipping into the cracks to fill that void.

[B]

Yeah. That's why I started doing. That's why I started doing K. Because I literally stopped drinking and I was like, prescribed it and I thought that it was like saving me in my depression. And then I like ended up just getting it on the street and like, like replacing it. And then eventually they just started mixing together again. I'm like, wait, how did we get here? So it is. It can be a slippery slope recognizing

[A]

that, like, whether you're sober or not, you'll always Kind of be an addict. Like, whether. Even for me, I was like, it can be shopping, it can be gambling, it can be a relationship with someone. It can be so many things can. Like, you know, and you have to really do the inner work. It's almost something that you have to fight every day. It can end up being a food. I think it was Dr. Pepper for a second there. Like, I had to chill on those. I'm having one right now. But nonetheless.

[B]

But it's also not even about the fact that we get, like, addicted to things. I think it's also, like, when things are removed from our lives, we handle it like it's being ripped from our soul, like a withdrawal. I don't know, maybe I'm just speaking for myself right now, but, like, for

[A]

me, I think it's. And it. It goes hand in hand with adhd, and so many addicts obviously have ADHD as well, because it's the dopamine. You know what I mean? It's. For me, it was. I noticed that I wanted to dope Max, like, replace the dopamine in any way that I could. And I had to, like, almost dopam detox and, like, understand that, like, being bored is a privilege. And being bored equates to peace as well.

[B]

It does.

[A]

And we obviously live in this short form generation where you're dope maxing on your phone, and then like, every. You know what I mean? You can just find that in every little thing. If it's food, if it's vaping, if it's shopping, if it's anything, you know,

[B]

it was Ben and Jerry's for me and my beginning of my sobriety.

[A]

If you move on from a raging alcohol addiction to Ben and Jerry's, that's okay.

[B]

But that's a win, honey.

[A]

But then eventually you have to talk about the Ben and Jerry's too. Like, it is.

[B]

You do that.

[A]

That thing never fully goes away. It's. It's the demon in the corner that you have to make friends with.

[B]

Well, you just have to learn to, like, tame her, and you have to learn to, like, work with her, and you can use her for beautiful things such as art and inspiring people. And, like, what we're sitting here doing right now, like, we're. We're literally speaking directly from our demon being, like, we have her tamed.

[A]

Even earlier when you were saying, like, you are going through a spooky time right now, which I'm sure we will get to in a second. I shouldn't even say you're going A spooky thing happened to you is what I should say. Say you were even saying that, like, it is interesting. When you're going through a dark time. The addict demon loves to put thoughts into your brain. Even when I'm going through dark times, like, my brain is going to immediately say, like, say to me, how nice would it be to numb this out right now? Whether that's escaping on a trip to go do something, whether that's drinking again, whether that's just anything. How nice would it be hyper fixating on anything, Recognizing those thoughts and immediately, like, going again against them.

[B]

It takes correcting them. It's like. It's like autocorrect your brain's own little. You have to, like, re route your thoughts.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it becomes a skill. You become tana GPT. Even though we don't use that, because that's not good.

[A]

I do drink a lot of water.

[B]

You do, but you then pee it out. Tip for tat. I don't know what that was supposed to mean.

[A]

No, I actually loved it.

[B]

I'm like, but she peed for y'. All. Yes.

[A]

So funny. And Trevi and I's friendship. After getting Buster, like, I had to, like, teach you the like, that he's, like, afraid of everything.

[B]

Right. Talk about taming the demon. Yes. She's over here. Like, don't be yourself. I'm like, damn.

[A]

I know. He's just afraid of everything. It's crazy. Even I have to tame my screaming. And music with bass. He doesn't like that. He does not like music with bass.

[B]

What does he think about you, like, playing the piano?

[A]

One time, he peed on my leg while I was playing the piano. And I was playing happier than ever. Really happy, really poorly. So I think he was like, cut the mom.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, maybe a lot of my two weeks was also just navigating the Internet.

[B]

And, like, maybe you had a little extra time on your hands.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, you were recovering and then you saw things.

[A]

I almost found myself getting in this negative mindset that I had to kind of get out of. But it's okay. I was scrolling on my for you page, and I see a video of a girl at the Grove, and she, like, posts this whole, like, little montage of, like, if you're in LA and, like, you want to have a good day, go to the Grove. And all of the comments are like, the Grove is awful. It's so boring. Like, the Grove is so boring. And, like, why would you even go there? And it's like, do you know that you could just. Just scroll. Then I scroll, and it's a video of someone putting nerds gummy clusters into an icy. At the movie theater. Everyone's like, you're just gonna have to remove the lid to eat them. There's no point in this. And it's like, God forbid someone wanted a little rainbow sparkle in their movie theater experience or maybe that they like to do that and they like to remove the lid. Alex Earl's videos are popping up and everyone's like, her is lopsided and she sold her soul to the devil. And it's like, she's actually.

[B]

Are you Alex Jones? What's happening here?

[A]

I don't know. That's my voice. Oh, it's giving the Queen of Melrose. My father got a job at the Palms restaurant. But all the con. It's like, maybe she's actually just thriving post breakup in Positano and maybe like, let her live. And like, Olivia o' Brien's opening for Benson Boone. And everyone's like, she's a. Why would she do this? And it's like, God, if she wants to moon beam her bag up to the moon and sing and sound amazing, like, and. But then I started hyper fixating on that, you know, and on the. The Internet and how people just, like, were in that place. The bean soup.

[B]

I was gonna say, isn't that bean soup theory where they just. Just they're very contrarian to whatever you say?

[A]

I don't know what it is. I could go on a whole tangent of what I think the psychology of that is, of people wanting to feel a part of something or the world is in a very dark place. So it's. It's easy to see all of the dark and horrible, like, valid, horrible things happening and succumb to that, I guess, and leave those comments and all those things. But I'm just like, damn. You know, these are like, Olivia had to see those comments and Alex had to see those comments. And like, that girl who had a great day at the Grove had to see those comments. And like, our lovely, icy person with their. I don't know, like, it's just like. And, oh, my God, I sounds so. Like, give me a tapestry and a crystal. But, like, can't. Can't we just all try to lift each other up?

[B]

I know.

[A]

And I. I got in that place for like two weeks and I. I'm trying to get out of it now and just remember that there for just as much bad, there is so much good. And also none of that exists in Real life. Like, people aren't talking to people like that in the real world.

[B]

Speaking to you like that in person.

[A]

Also, like, obviously, as you guys saw on Tik Tok last week, I was fully crashing out because I couldn't. Couldn't see Noah Khan at Fenway Park. I kept seeing everyone's videos online. My heart was shattering. My heart was shattering looking at the people in the crowd. Living my dream. And I immediately opened up seatgeek to see if there were any tickets left. Okay. Next thing I know, I'm looking up fights to Boston. Like, it was so easy. I was genuinely about to fly six hours just to see one concert. That's how committed I was. Okay. And I missed that one. But when I get to that next one, honey, let me tell you something. I'm opening up up seatgeek. Which is exactly why I want to give the sponsor of today's episode a huge shout out. SeatGeek. With over 35 million downloads, SeatGeek is the number one rated ticketing app. There are more than 70, 000 events listed on SeatGeek, from concerts to festivals to sports and comedy shows. So whenever I inevitably convince myself I need to be somewhere across the country with 24 hours notice, SeatGeek is the first place I check. I also love that every ticket is rated on a scale from 1 to 10. So instantly you know whether you're getting a good deal. Look for the green dot dots. Green means good deal, red means maybe Keep scrolling, diva. And every ticket is backed by their buyer guarantee. Thank God. When you see me, Noah, conning out, just know it was SeatGeek. Thank you, SeatGeek, for sponsoring today's episode and my life and my dopamine.

[B]

Again, like, we're here for such a limited time. If someone wants to put M M's on a hot dog, just leave them the alone. And I don't even know if that happened, right? But it's like.

[A]

And just heavy on. Like, it's one thumb motion versus lots of thumb motions. Like it just you. Your thumb can actually do something.

[B]

But it's less about, like, not letting people because this is so. This is such a wider conversation just about humanity and how we treat each other.

[A]

I saw Tate McCray bring out a soccer ball at like FIFA for whatever the hell that. Whatever the hell that.

[B]

I just went, by the way. I had no idea what was going on. Was so happy to be there.

[A]

You were thiefing down.

[B]

I was like front row at the World cup.

[A]

And I don't know much about the Cup. And I don't know much about it. I. The world.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know much about the world.

[A]

The world. You know, I'm. I'm trying to like Lamina all it up. Like, Mokoa loves FIFA, so I'm trying, right? But Tate McCray, she. She walks out this soccer ball and all the comments are like, this ruined FIFA. And I was like, where did I go?

[B]

The World cup is actually.

[A]

The World cup is ruined because Tate McCrae.

[B]

I wonder what the ruined it is because it's like, did tape.

[A]

Okay. Really ruined FIFA?

[B]

No, obviously. And you're not going down a bad path with fucking Norcos and Xanax. Look, these are not real. Like, these are not real things. These are like, unfortunately you have to zoom out and like, yes, like, there are real people typing these things, but at the end of the day, it's like, cool. And it's a lot of unhappy people, right? And I think that when someone is unhappy in their life, period, unfortunately, a huge part of human psychology causes a us to harm others. Hurt people. Hurt people.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's very fair. And honestly, I, again, I always want to differentiate the line between constructive criticism, looking out 100% versus just meanness. When I look back to times of my life, even, like, I talked about this with Trisha a little, so I'll keep it very light. But during the whole idubbbz thing, I feel like I received, obviously, rightfully so, a lot of hate and a lot of criticism. And I can look back now and say, say, did that criticism, like, changed and saved my life? Even in the, like, Team Bryce era, Like, a lot of people being like, what the is she doing?

[B]

Like, why does she have socks on her arms?

[A]

Like, in any bad portion of my life, I look back to the constructive criticism and I appreciate it more than anything in the world.

[B]

That's the thing. You can tell when someone's looking out for you and cares for you, as can I. I think there becomes a stark difference of someone who is trying to attack you for your character or something that doesn't exist or just hates you. Yeah, sure.

[A]

Like, I've just never understood why people consume and comment on someone or something.

[B]

As Mel Robbins said, let them.

[A]

And you're so right. And I just literally let them.

[B]

We've been doing this for over a decade and I'm sorry to interrupt you, but it's like we're sitting here and like, we're talking about these things, about these opinions of people that, like, we don't even know and at the end of the day, like, you found your peace.

[A]

I know, and it's so true. And it's the other 50 weeks of the year. I do think I'm fine. I have noticed though, if there is one thing that I am actively and I'm going to talk about this in an upcoming YouTube video when I do the 28 things I've learned at 28 is there's one thing that I can take from old Tana that I'm almost trying to get back from her. Well, I don't know necessarily if I want to say it that way because it's not. She just didn't give a. And I like giving a. And I also never want to be in an era where I'm like so narcissistic that I can't like read or see a bad thing about me and like learn from it as well. I just guess the brand safe era. The one thing about this era that I, or even the end of 27 and 28 is I have noticed how critical of myself I can be and anxious I can be and like over reading into things that I know aren't true and like just I. I need. And maybe that is the Zoloft or the Prozac, right. Like the OCD and anxiety can be a little more fierce in this era where yeah, I just sometimes I'll like jokingly miss. Miss not giving a. At all. And obviously I don't want to go back to her.

[B]

There's a happy medium and you just, it's. It's about filtering. You just need to, you need to screw your filter on a little bit tighter of like what you let into.

[A]

Of course. And normally I really don't, I don't know what I. I guess it's like. And again, I don't want to say this like there's a ceiling, but I just, I put in so much work to know that I'm living my active every day being a great person to everyone around me.

[B]

And like, you don't need to prove that to anybody.

[A]

I know. I guess it just affects. Affects you more when you know that like, God, it sounds narcissistic, but it's like, I know I'm good. You want to like prove that, but you can't and it's a slippery.

[B]

So I mean, I don't want to say we're going in circles, but at this point it's like the only thing you can do is know your own peace and keep continuing on the path that you're going on and you're right. Just screw your filter on. Better give a. But not that much.

[A]

I love you.

[B]

I love you.

[A]

I, I think that. And I was talking about this with Paige in the previous episode. Every friend serves a different purpose. But when I look at the most healing conversation and eye opening conversations of my life and like periods of life, like, they're with you. They're always with you. Like, you are my. Just like our 2am facetimes unpacking the tropes and plights of life. And obviously we have so much in common as well, so it helps in that way. But even sitting here like, this conversation is like, I won't forget it. That's another thing I'm so grateful about being so present is I get to remember all these beautiful conversations I have with you and, and we'll be two years older and one day we'll have kids running around and we'll look back at these conversations.

[B]

I love you. Sorry, I'm just like going through it right now.

[A]

Do you want to talk about it? I don't ever wanna.

[B]

Oh, but it is true. And I'm just like, extra emotional right now.

[A]

But Jan. Yeah, for like a very rightful reason. Sorry, I didn't mean, like, make that

[B]

about me at all. I'm like, she's talking too much about yourself. I'm just kidding.

[A]

You're going through a first right now. And a first is always very, very hard. You're navigating this with such an intelligent head on your shoulders, and the first time you really get your heart broken is a roller coaster I wouldn't wish upon anyone. But at the same time, God, does it make you better?

[B]

I hope so, because I'm in a

[A]

lot of pain right now. You are. You. I, I, I know that you're, you're being really smart and really careful. We were talking about this even before the podcast of, like, how you want to talk about it.

[B]

Yeah, I just, I don't think it's my job to bring karma or justice or revenge to somebody by ruining their

[A]

life and doing as someone who did that for a very long time. When you think you are the karma God and the karma police, it just ends up hurting you more. You know, it just, and it's just, it's not your job. It's the universe's job. Like, the best karma you can ever give to anyone is you thriving and you succeeding. And it is brutal, though. Like when you give your soul to someone and they stomp on it.

[B]

You know, I mean, for context, I was in a relationship for over a year. And it's no longer with us. With. I almost said that it's no longer with us. Hashtag self respect. But, like, I.

[A]

You and God, you are doing it so beautifully. One thing I love about our friend group, I will say, is that we all have this beautiful, like, wolf pack mentality. And when one person is going through a breakup or going through anything, we all get together immediately. And that's exactly what you did. You know, you called me and you looked out for yourself and you said, some shit's going down. I'm coming over. Your mom came over, and we all sat in the living room, and I

[B]

just screamed into the sky, I'm making

[A]

her watch Gone girl. Like, that was my first order of operation. Like, we're laying in bed, but that's what we do for each other, always. You've handled this. It's. We're like, what? It's like two weeks now.

[B]

Two weeks. Yeah.

[A]

And you're sitting here in a tight and a kitten heel with a ty watch on and a blowout. Like, think about Trevy and Tana in every other era of life. Like, the amount of times we handled hardship and strife with a bottle, you know, And.

[B]

And I would never, ever. I think it would be so embarrassing to relapse on a man, dude. Like, there's no way that somebody can hold that much power over me. But I think when you get to certain levels in relationships where you feel incredibly secure, you know, there's. There's kind of this checkbox in the first year, and, like, once you pass that level, you're like, oh, my God, like, this is really starting to feel real.

[A]

Yes, pretty much.

[B]

That last box was checked. And, like, I also think that, you

[A]

know, every breakup is different. Different. But you. And I don't want to speak for your situation, but things happened kind of fast. Like. Like, things you. Sometimes you find out things are just certain things, and, like, it can be this whirlwind shock, you know, where you're like, what was everything?

[B]

And maybe questioning the entire thing.

[A]

Everything. Of course. Obviously, immediately, the protective, like, sister in me to you just sees red. Red. And old me would argue already sent the death threat, but I decided not to.

[B]

I literally had to stop you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Of course, like, your first real one most likely isn't the one. I had a lot of hope and I had a lot of betting I'm

[A]

gonna say something dark right now. And it's. It's my own personal belief. It's my own personal experience. Okay? And not everyone feels this way. But, like, a piece of me died with my first love. 100, without a doubt. And she's still in there. I still, like, she's still that little Tana who, like, got her heart broken and world ripped out from around her. I walks with me every single day, you know, but at the same time, I'm so happy that I didn't end up with that person, you know?

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Even you and I were, like, laughing the other day about Brad Sousa and how and. No, absolutely, like, no. And talking about him in the big two six with, like, these beautiful cameras in, like, my bedroom with Buster and like, my beautiful life with Mo. It does just feel a little like. Okay, but.

[B]

But I was right there next to you for that entire thing, so it is, yes, relevant to this conversation.

[A]

It is. And I never thought he would cheat on me or do anything to me. You know what I mean? I never. I. He presented as so obsessed with me. So when I found out he was cheating on me, it was very much this, like. And it was a crazy way that I found out, obviously, but it was also, also. And all of the girls being like, bleach and toned down and, like, maybe even coming to a bleach and tone event, like, down was this, like, major just shock to me. And I was shattered. And I was like, what the. You know? And this is not me. Like, no revenge at all. He has a kid now. He's thriving. We've talked about it. I wish nothing but the best for him. Truly. He was in a bad place. But, like, now I can look back and this is no shade to Brad, but, like, I'm so, so God damn grateful he did. Because sometimes, too, you'll stay in a relationship that maybe isn't working for other reasons for, like, longer than you should. And sometimes you can look back and say, like, I'm honestly so happy that that person, like, did the finite thing to end this so that I can continue on my, like, journey. And that's my own personal experience. And that's not exactly what happened to you. I'm just saying, like, I keep using this analogy with you. That's really funny. Obviously, when going through a break breakup, there is those moments of like, and what if it could. Could just work? Or what if this could. Like, it's natural, you know, because when you really love someone, you want to do anything and everything to fix it. And sometimes they're Especially you and I. You and I are both very much like women in control. We like to fixers, honey. We are fixers through and through. We also like, we're not great at no for an answer either. Even in career things like if we really want something, we're going be to make it happen and etc. And sometimes you bring those notions and ways of life into a relationship, right? Like where it's like, no, I can fix this. And what if it can just be this beautiful thing? What if it. And the reality is a relationship involves another person. And sometimes as much of you being that you can't make someone else, you can't fit the square into the circle hole, you know?

[B]

Yeah. There's so many different aspects here of like why I'm saying so affected. I think like A, because of how sudden everything went down. But also B, I think just like I'm a big, I'm a big believer on like I'm always saying, like our time is limited, like do the things that bring you peace, like do all this. And it's not that I feel like my time is wasted, it's just that I like, of course, like I now like, I know with a reframed mind, like you take these, you apply it to the next relationship. I get that 102 things can also be true.

[A]

Like you can know that that is fact, but still feel something different. Especially when it's so fresh.

[B]

I think what really just terrifies me, and I hate saying this out loud, it's really different like when you're a girl like me. And like I hate saying that like I'm. I'm in an unfortunate position or like I am less than. I think a lot of men that I've experienced in my past treated me as less than or like the bare, bare minimum to a CIS girl was actually exceptional for someone who's trans. And I'm just, there's this new motto that I'm moving forward with and it's like I don't give a fuck that I'm this way. I, again, just like you, I don't fucking take no for an answer. In all aspects of my life, I've always been like that ever since I was a kid. And if the world wants to believe that someone like me is not lovable, or if politics wants who to, you know, try to remove our rights for getting a passport, make yourself the exception and be incredibly delusional. And I, I don't think it's delusional. But I'm also not even just saying like, I'm the exception. I'm also speaking to like all the baby trevies or anyone that feels like they've been erased or minimized by these men and these politicians or your family or anybody. And it's like, just know you're the exception if you really believe it. I wouldn't have gotten in this relationship in the first place if I didn't believe that I was worthy of love.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Now, did it end the way that I wanted it to? No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And where there a lot of. Are there a lot of questions still the fuck unanswered? Yes. I'm incredibly confused. I'm incredibly hurt. I. Every single day is fucking different. I just, I'm fucking. I just did perfect glam and I'm crying on the fucking Brand Save podcast. And I don't give a. If he's watching. I don't give if anybody is watching because, like, that's just my truth. And I'm just like.

[A]

I just want to say, if I can say one thing to you. And I know this the way I know my middle name. I know this the way I know Mount Rushmore. I know this the way I know anything. And it's the easiest thing I've ever done to love you. It is the easiest. It is the easiest thing I've ever done. And I. I think everyone in your life feels that way. And I think that that's a great message to so many people out there who could maybe be feeling the same thoughts as you because you will meet people who make it feel so easy to love you. And I can never fully. And I. I always tell you this, like off camera, and in life, I will never pretend to fully relate to the things that you have to go through in your mind and in your day to day life. However, I will be right behind you like a barking chihuahua, fighting for you to live the most beautiful life. Because I. That's all you do, is put beautiful things into the world. We keep joking about this analogy, but your last person was one step closer to the person who loves you. For all of you and truly and through the good and through the bad, because that is what you deserve. And I also think that there is something beautiful to be said. And this is my opinion, but I would rather be fully loved for who I am, am, or die trying, than in some, with someone who only loves the good or in some, with someone who finds it easy to walk away during what. Just all the. Just all the different negative things. The analogy that I keep saying is that I. I had to personify this person to Trevi in a conversation. So we named him Stephen. Okay. Is that what you just went through with Lord Farquaad.

[B]

Okay, let's just call X.

[A]

Okay. Thank you. What you just went through with X is allowing you to be one step closer to Steven, who is the future husband who loves you so much through everything. And I also think that breakups are beautiful because they immediately teach you what you don't want in the next person. But also just naturally in life, I think especially as women as well, we make excuses for red flags. We love the benefit of the doubt. We will try to make. Make a frat house a home every single time. And I almost was saying this to you too. So many of the things that you loved about your relationship were you, like, you are gonna bring that into any room, regardless whether it's like the pouring your soul out or the beautifully orchestrated date or the dying laughing until 3am you're funny. With a toaster like you, it's the you you will eventually find. Find your Steven, your future husband. And if his name actually ends up being Steven, I'm serious. I'm literally Raven Simone.

[B]

When you get to a point where you feel like you have to contort yourself or. And it's not even that I really was doing that, but I was noticing things about myself that I was just normally not doing. And Umbrella statement. I'm never doing that much for a man ever. The.

[A]

Again, I completely get you and I. Again. I think it's natural for a us. Like when you love someone. A, it's pure. Like, whether it's the fruits of your labor and you want to share it with them. Or B, like, that's why I keep saying so much of it's you. God, you want to, like, provide and you want to, like, make this.

[B]

It's not our job. Like, that's.

[A]

Yes. I also. I did this a lot in my life. When I noticed that I felt like. Especially as intuitive women, when you. And this. A lot of this comes from my childhood too. I think I was. I'm super aware of slight emotional shifts and changes. I. It used to be my job to have to fix that or be super aware of it so I could know what I would prepare for. It was almost like my. One of my mechanisms of coping and dealing with what was happening to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you notice that slight emotional shift, I would do that in so many relationships where then if they went a little bit cold, I would start over. Compensating.

[B]

Of course. I. You could feel that. Like, I could feel that. Like, that.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

No. And I understood that.

[A]

And then it's like, oh, my God. I Have to. I have to look hotter the next time I see them.

[B]

I know. A spray tan. I need to. Oh, my God, my ass is flat. Oh, my God. Is my filler under my eyes going away? Like, and my house has to look

[A]

perfect when they come over. Like, I need to go do something super fun with them that they couldn't do with anyone. No. So that they know that this relationship is, you know, and it's like, it's so easy. A. I think that that. That is one of the plights of being a woman, for sure. But when you feel someone kind of slipping away to start compensating and doing more, and the reality is, is Steven or whoever is going to love you just as much in the big T shirt with no spray tan, with the messy house with a life problem going on and nothing fun to do, as they do with the full glam, the Coachella, the like. Yes. I almost think that's a good thing, though. You showed the universe and yourself how easy it was for you to be giving and loving and your best self for someone and all these things. But then you also started to notice the negatives of, like, oh, my God, why am I feeling like I need to, like, put on a full face of makeup so that they, like, you know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you'll move differently in the future, which was so important for you finding your future husband.

[B]

Yeah. And my FYP is all sorts of right now, but I saw something that made me literally sob. It was. I think it was the girl who does chicken shop day. She was on a carpet, and she asked, asks Ethan Hawke. She goes, do you have any advice for somebody that's dealing with a little bit of unrequited love? And he just looks straight at her. I'm going to literally try not to cry. But he goes, the one that's in love always wins because you give it your all. You understand that it's the biggest risk and the highest reward, and you are willing to show exactly who you are and let your entire guard down and not be afraid to be vulnerable, not to be afraid to share the ugly person parts of yourself. You know what? Like, I just resonate with it so much because I do feel like a win is going to come out of this. Whether it's the album that I literally already started writing and not losing that. No. 100%. And taking inspiration from being the one that. How beautiful is it that I got to experience something for the first time as intense and as deep as this and how amazing and blessed am I. To be able to. To show this person the world and take them here and, like, and show them how insane and outrageous our life

[A]

is and love them with everything in you. Everything.

[B]

Everything in me. And I. And.

[A]

And that's the biggest takeaway is that you know that you're capable of that and you can never lose it. That I always try to tell people that in breakups. You know why I love Pamela Anderson? Which is a funny thing that I'm saying with my literal entire. It has nothing to do with. With that. I. I feel like I'm always loving Pamela and I'm joking about the updo and all of those things, you know, and people probably think I love her so much because of her smoky eye and her, like and all those things. It's because Pamela Anderson has such an ideology towards marriage and life because she's been married and divorced a lot of times. And if you watch even, like, her newer stuff, like, she did a whole show about her gardening and her peaceful life that she, like, has now.

[B]

That never Netflix doc too was so good.

[A]

Yes. And like, her the way now she's like, I'm not wearing makeup anymore. I just want to be free. And, like, went against the beauty standard when she is this American icon of beauty. But it's that she literally will verbatim say, I don't care how many times I get married and divorced and married and divorced and married and divorced and married and divorced. How beautiful is it to be in love? So many times. I'm never gonna lose that. I'm gonna keep trying until I die high. And I. It's like, that is. It's so. Because so much of my love was unrequited as well. I think my life's biggest loves were very, like, now for the first time, I'm experiencing what full requited love is. And, you know, I thought so.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes. And so did I. In all those times, I was like, oh, my God, they love me back just as much until you find the eyelash on the counter or until you find the. Whatever it may be, you know?

[B]

Did that happen?

[A]

Oh, my God, yes. One time I was getting cheated on. This guy told me me that his new assistant was his cousin, and she was always around, and she was, like, with us all the time. And I thought she was his cousin and she would be doing the dishes while she was, like, in the house with us and, like, helping him out with all these things. And then one day, I caught him. His cousin, and she wasn't ever his cousin.

[B]

Okay. I was about to say that would be crazy if she was his cousin

[A]

and this girl was fully down to pretend to be his cousin.

[B]

Oh, she was doing the thing in

[A]

front of me and like all these things and wow, it was nutty. And then I went back, I dated him another time. Like you need. How did the fake family tree not do it for me? But like.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I don't know how to explain that. I'm so happy that even though so many of my loves were so unrequited up until I met Mokoa that I never let that make me stop being a lover girl. That's always my advice to people because

[B]

I don't think I'll stop. I just think I'm a little damaged right now and going through it.

[A]

Yes. And even if the next five people are awful, they still will not be like the last. Even if the next person ends up being awful and breaking your heart and the next person, they will all be different and you will learn different lessons. Unless you're going for the same person which as a coping mechanism, if you're going for the same person in different skin suits, I'm screaming in order to not feel things and protect yourself. That's a different culture conversation. But if you really are just actively dating with the lessons that you've learned and you still keep getting scorned by a lizard, you still have to keep a lizard. Not shout out Brooks Gofield. That comes from the Clinton Kane era. And I, I love that one.

[B]

See like I wish I could do like a, a 50 part series. I just, I can't you your healing journey.

[A]

I think you'll do a 50 part album. We were being so funny last night.

[B]

We were.

[A]

Last night was one of the most beautiful nights of my year.

[B]

It was the first time I've been happy and genuinely since everything went down. We found out about everything.

[A]

It was you, me, Tai, Gay, Moa and Isabella. And I have not laughed that hard in like years. And I even think after the mindset I've been in lately, like way less than what you're going through. But it just. Even Moa said that today and he's not really going through anything. He was like last night like healed part parts of me and we were being so funny genuinely.

[B]

I was so much lighter today. Like I felt like for the past two weeks I've been waking up really heavy and really upset. And you know what? Like back to using like the plights of being a woman. I just want to bring this up because it's just like it's really intense, and it's really scary. Like, how we as men and women deal with things very differently, such as breakups. Like, you know, a man cracks a

[A]

Pabst Blue Ribbon and puts on the football game with his boys, and they

[B]

say, like, you gotta go get under somebody or something. And then you're having their. Like, having to remind me to eat. Yeah, right. Like, those are the differences.

[A]

Like, I see men also go through

[B]

brutal breakups 100%, and I think that they process things differently. But I think we're talking about, like, a certain type of man and a certain type of people that he surrounds himself with. And I'm not saying that this is, like, my ex's situation by any means. I do think there's something to be said about, like, the way it hits us differently and at different times. Like, immediately I dream dropped to my knees and, like, I, I. You were having to shove food into my mouth.

[A]

And I do it again and again,

[B]

and I appreciate you. And I will start bawling again if I have to think about what happened two weeks ago. And, like, you know, everyone being here at this house and, like, trying to do anything to, like, pass their positive energy onto me. And it's just like, I pray to never have to experience that again. But again, as Pamela Anderson Anderson said, like, how beautiful is it to fall in love again and again and again? And it's the biggest risk with the highest reward. And I understand that.

[A]

And you will get to this place like a breakup is. It's so miserable until there's the day that you wake up and you're like, thank God the trash chose to take itself out that day. And thank God that, like, I didn't end up staying in that relationship where I felt like I had to be this different version of myself, or thank God I ended up staying in this thing, or it was slowly deteriorating or whatever your situation is. Thank God I ended up meeting this new person. Or thank God I ended up. You know, what came from that breakup. Like, whether it's this album or whatever it may be, like, you get to the point where you are like, thank God. It's just. It is the fierce time. But I will say that you have been handling it so healthily. Like, immediately you knew you needed to be surrounded by people. You're asking everyone all the right questions. You're putting your pain into your art, which I think is so beautiful and such a beautiful privilege to have this new album.

[B]

I'm like, it's. I've never been so creatively Inspired. And if there's anything that I can take away from this is that it's like, how beautiful is it to have the gift of inspiration from something so

[A]

negative and almost like deciding who is this new Trevi that I want to be now? And like, even the little things of like, I'm gonna get dressed, I'm gonna put on the cute outfit and like, I'm going to do the podcast with my best friend and talk about it. Or like just whatever it is. Like, it's very easy to go into the hole after the breakup and it's almost so hard. Whether it's like eating or actively choosing not to like watch sad and consume sad music too much. Or like, knowing you, maybe you don't need to be alone. You need to reach out to people. Or like knowing that maybe you need to write down all of your thoughts so that you can gather them. Like, we literally sat and made a list of like all the negatives so that if you were in a moment of like just going through your camera roll, looking, looking at happy photos, you could go and be like, okay, wait, this is what was happening behind this photo. Like, let me not. You're choosing to do the like active good things to heal from this properly. And that's hard.

[B]

And that's all ties back to addiction as well. I think this, these things go hand in hand and I find them to be like incredibly relevant because they call it playing the tape back. You know, you think about your party days and when you're trying to get sober and you don't actually want to get sober, you're remembering all the good times, but it's like you need to remember the hurling over the toilet. You need to remember ruining that brain brand deal. You need to remember ruining that friendship. You need to remember the shaking and seizing in your sleep. You need to remember or else life is just a big fucking party. And then you realize again when you're back in it. So playing the tape back with addiction and unhealthy relationships is very important. And I thank you for reminding me to make things such as that note, because that's the brain's natural thing. It, it, it's a literal final cut pro up here. It's editing. No, it's editing out parts and you're looking back confused with rose colored glasses.

[A]

Yeah, and like the grass was greener over there. Cuz it was fake.

[B]

Cuz it was astroturf, FIFA

[A]

dead ass. And it's. I did that a lot too. Like it is so I used to have to do that with my first love. Like we were talking about playing the tape back. And I always talk about that with alcohol too, where like whenever I would want to drink drink, I would have to play out in my head of what would happen exactly if I had that drink. I was even talking about that with Ty yesterday. Like if I had a beer right now, I'd have one today and tell myself I can convince myself of moderation the next time we all went out. I'd have five and I'd be like, I got this. And then I'd have seven and then I'd have nine. And then I'd ruin my whole life, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I like, whenever I want to have the drink, I have to play that the tape of what would happen if I have the drink. But I used to have to do that a lot with my first love too, where I would remember like a really happy moment or I would remember a moment where, where he like supported me and lifted me up and like did everything for me or like just whatever it is. And I would have to actually sit there in the moment and immediately be like, okay, but what would your life actually be like if you just stayed together? Cuz he'd be other people. And what room in the house would you go to when that other girl was over?

[B]

Or what if you play the tape

[A]

for you, what would happen? You know, like if you go when you guys would have a fight and then he would just ghost you, what would you actually do for those three days? Well, what would you. I, I would have to play the tape of reality.

[B]

Well, you also. Are you saying like playing the tape forward as well? Like what would happen? Because you could play the tape back all you want, but then you also need to realize to play the tape forward. I see what you're saying. No.

[A]

Yes. Like the same thing as with alcohol. I would have to tell myself, here's what would happen if you had this drink right now and play it forward.

[B]

Well, here's what happens if you stay with the. Yeah.

[A]

Like would it actually just be that happy memory that you just remembered and missed? Or what would life actually be like?

[B]

Or would you be miserable and lacking trust and, and contorting yourself in ways unimaginable, imaginable, to the point. Point that you reduce yourself to an abominable, tiny, tiny, tiny size?

[A]

Yes. And you have to immediately, because especially as you get out of falling out of love with someone and going through something, you literally have to play that tape of like, what would it actually be if I stayed with Them not just like, I'm remembering this one moment where we cuddled in bed and laughed.

[B]

Right. Also, I think abominable tiny is a contradiction, but you get what they. The I'm saying.

[A]

Yeah, heavy on. You get what the I'm saying?

[B]

No, it's like.

[A]

It's like I started over correcting too,

[B]

and I'm like, over here saying, abominable dismantled tiny. Paul Revere, FIFA. Like, I don't know what's happening.

[A]

I literally just. I am actively going through that where it's like, if you really start over correcting too hard, all of a sudden you're like, what was that? The Michaela. Do you remember her?

[B]

Wait, Michaela?

[A]

Not. Not a makeup bag, but the. The doll, like the bot girl. She was a fake influencer. Little Michael.

[B]

Michaela.

[A]

Like, if you start really over correcting your speech, all of a sudden you're just like a chat bot. And it's like, you have to talk normally. Tana. I'm telling myself that.

[B]

No. Yeah. So, yeah. Abominable tiny. Tiny tiny reduced to an abominable, tiny, tiny size. And we don't do that. We won't do that. We are big personalities, and we are. We know what we want, and we're not gonna settle until we have it. And that's because we're the exception. And you are the exception. If you truly believe it. Clock that.

[A]

And it's a. Big personalities is a whole other rabbit hole tangent I could go down right now because these.

[B]

I feel like some of these people.

[A]

I want to say 80 of men, if you have a big personality, will want to make it smaller.

[B]

Well, given who I am, I. If I was in a man's shoes, I'm not gonna say it would be my favorite thing in the world that I disagree again. Yeah.

[A]

Why am I. I disagree wholeheartedly because if you were dating someone who had a lot going for them and they were loud and they were fun and they were all these things.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You would celebrate it because you're secure in who you are.

[B]

Well, that's. That's why I said if I was a man.

[A]

Yeah. And they exist. I love to. On men and I love to say all same, but even I'm sitting here right now and Kyle is behind the camera. And I was literally saying this to Kyle earlier because we were talking about something just in relation to his personal life, and I was like, I really hope you know that you are such a good man. And like, we are always on men, but there are so many that are the exception and I love all of the ones in my life and it's an honor to know them. And I watch how they treat their partners and they are loyal and they are honest and they are kind and they are incredible and they celebrate their partner and they're not threatened by them and they, they just. Makoa is the most beautiful prime example of that as well.

[B]

And my mom's partner, my mom, I guess I feel like boyfriend's work because they've been together for a long time but like very Christian man. And that always scared me especially just given like I think religion being connected to like my worldview is very like yeah, it's very like different. It's like get the away from me. But you know, meeting someone who comes from that background and genuinely not only cares for my mother but cares for me and treats me with genuine respect and, and walks me through life as like.

[A]

And the way she glows.

[B]

Yeah, and the way she glows and,

[A]

and she found and found her peace and, and she found that in a different chapter of her life. Like it is, it is there for everyone and you cannot give up hope. And I think you're doing a very

[B]

good job of that. Thank you.

[A]

You are doing a very good job of that.

[B]

No, and I just again like there's a lot of great men in my life too like my father. But I just, I think that like, like it is. You do have to like think about these men in your life because it's so easy to reduce it to like this category of people who are a part of the dog a thon 9000.

[A]

It's even like how I was talking about the hate comments earlier. It's so easy to group them to. Yeah, just focus on that, to hone

[B]

in on that and create compound clip.

[A]

And yes, and I think I do that Kyle.

[B]

Like that one. Create compound clip. Okay, I'm going to shut up. No, but it's true. It's true.

[A]

And they even like Trisha and I always do that and then we'll be like all men are awful. But then it's like Moses is like the greatest person in the world and they do exist and I think as women it is harder to find them. You know, like we go through our trials and our tribulations and stuff but we also figure out exactly what the we want and it is absolutely out there. And I think that the universe also, if you are putting the right things out into the universe and you're being your best self into the universe. Universe, it will eventually come for you at the time that you're meant to have it. Even if you thought that Bradley was the one and he was the best ever and your heart broken over it, like, he wasn't.

[B]

You had to choose any name and you chose Bradley. That's your ex's name. No, I'm just with you. But no, I get it. It. In the present moment, it feels hard, and it feels like a part of me genuinely, like you said, like was really script. But, like, again, we don't need to, like, fully dwell on it. I just, like, felt really good to talk about it with you. And I don't know if that this was supposed to be the direction of this episode, but, like, I think it was helpful.

[A]

This episode is a very accurate reflection of what our friendship is like. The two main topics of this episode being sobriety and, you know, public perception and then a breakup and, like, that. That is what we genuinely do for each other.

[B]

Respect and like, reminding each other of who the we are.

[A]

Yes. And I. I'm so happy that we get to bring the brand Safers into that this week because everyone deserves to have and find a friendship like that in life and have those people that you can go to. And everyone also deserves to be able to take their life's hardest pains and tribulations and turn them into something beautiful. And I. I hope that people get that from today's episode. You know, I really do.

[B]

Me too.

[A]

The other day, I was saying to Micol Noah that, like, before I met him, I was like, do you know that there were years of my life that I never cried? Like, I didn't cry for a whole year. And he literally looked at me like I was speaking a different language. He was like, that's impossible. Yeah, that's impossible. With the way you are now. Like, I waterworks McGee.

[B]

No, same. Do you know what they call that in sobriety? What? Not to be like. No sobriety. They all click off stay, but they call that thawing I out. And I.

[A]

It's Disney freezer style. I've been thawing out.

[B]

Yeah. So normally for me, it didn't start until about the third year because I've always been, like, on a fierce SSRI when I first. One of the main reasons I love to get so up, honestly, before, is because I was it. People think that I was, like, numbing myself. It actually helped me get more in touch with my emotions because I felt so up and safe to just kind of like. Like, let my guard down and be a messy bitch and be a messy crier. And then as soon as I. I got my act together, there was, like, three solid years where I was stone cold, and it's literally just a part of it. And now I'm Waterworks McGee as well. Switched to the estrogen shot too, which, mind you, is, like, spooky scary. It feels like every day is a roller coaster, but it's like, what a beautiful thing it is for us to know that we can freely and safely express ourselves, and our body responds to it.

[A]

It feels so good to just be so in touch with your emotions and, like, be able to cry. I think it. I kind of grew up, like, I never wanted to cry as I got older, especially, like, my teens and, like, pre teens and all those things, because I was, like, tired of crying. I, like, I almost felt like it was like, this, like, sign of showing weakness that I was like, no, I have to have my together because no one else does, so I'm not gonna cry. And, like, I'm gonna be the strong one. I'm gonna do this thing. And even when, like, other adults would cry in my, like, teens and, like, certain eras, I would, like, be uncomfortable by it. I would be like, what? Like, you like, why are they crying at this movie? Or why are they crying at whatever? And now I've turned that mom who's like, this movie, and it's like, it's so. I don't know. I love. I love crying.

[B]

Me too. It's like, the only physical proof of you releasing something.

[A]

Whoa. Gag it.

[B]

Right? Besides literally.

[A]

I was gonna say diarrhea.

[B]

Yeah, besides actual, like, food poisoning diarrhea. I'm talking about. It's. It's the physical proof of an emotional release. Peace. Imagine that every single one of those teardrops carries something that was no longer meant to stay inside of your body.

[A]

I do that in the shower, too. Like, whether I'm crying or not. Like, I always. My shower, like, manifestation ritual is like, the water coming off of my body. I'm always imagining it as the things that are no longer serving me and going down the drain. It's the cancer in me for sure. But.

[B]

Well, yeah, you could think about, like, all, like, the spray tan bronzer and

[A]

just like, it's a little spray tan bronzer. Piss and tears. Ears girl and body wash girl.

[B]

You like? I. I've been in those showers, too. The spray tan bronzer comes off. I think I'm, like, becoming a butterfly. Yes, that you went to sugared and bronze.

[A]

Like, you are not a butterfly.

[B]

You are.

[A]

That is green solution. And your armpit Looks scary.

[B]

You have pink undertones and you burn. You are not a butterfly.

[A]

I want to talk about this retrograde.

[B]

It is just, just. I never have, like, felt anything as strong as this. And my pattern, my app and this is no like tea, but, like, my pattern showed the exact dates of the beginning of my relationship to the very, very end on the day. I'm not gonna get fully into that.

[A]

The pattern app can send me into psychosis if I start patterning out too much. If I start text styling and pattering and it's too much the day.

[B]

And then I'm just. Of course, then it's making me even more like, woo, woo. Where I'm just like, yeah, no, my phone's not working. All my photos are, like, indexing. I can't even type in anything. Like, none of my photos are showing up. None of my text messages are show.

[A]

Nothing is.

[B]

Suddenly my storage is full. But I have 100 free gigabytes. I'm like, hey, shut the up.

[A]

No. Everything is glitching down. Like, the microwave won't even work. And you know, that's a big problem for me. I like crashing my car. Like, I, I. Which I'll get into in another episode. Just. Holy. Into your own gate. Into your own gate. Own car into own gate. It's just. But it was so weird because that whole car ride, I was literally having a conversation with Meg being like, I just want to drive as safe, safe as possible. Like, McCoe and I had been having a lot of conversations and, like, I really had been learning so many skills and, like, just as safe and as good as possible. And I, like, felt like I was really getting better too. And then it's just like, dink gate,

[B]

Rinky dinky call back.

[A]

And there's a lot more to be said about that, but I'm gonna glaze over it right now. Everything is fine. I am safe and I am fine. And a lesson was learned. And Trisha made me feel better. She said, who doesn't crash their own car into their own gate? She sent me a pic.

[B]

Right, great. Well, at least you have a car and you know how to drive. You got ahead of me and that

[A]

I'm doing it in this time of my life where I am so cognizant and aware and want to learn and get better. I'm about to go to driving school due to.

[B]

I love that you got a license in a car and I got an Uber deal. And I think that that just means.

[A]

And honestly, I might have.

[B]

That's just very on brand for us.

[A]

One more gate and I'm hopping on the deal with you.

[B]

I will.

[A]

It was discouraging, don't get me wrong. But I just, I'm trying to not let it discourage me and that's.

[B]

No, you're great. I think I would eventually like, want to hop on that way with you.

[A]

But I will say, and I say this a lot, the second that I leave that DMV a licensed driver, I will go back to being a passenger princess. I love being a passenger princess. And this.

[B]

No, you can though.

[A]

Exactly. I want to know. I can. I want to conquer the childhood thing. I, I. Not the whole thing. Okay. I'm never going to go.

[B]

She's like, I want to conquer every single. You imagine.

[A]

No, but the driving for me is like, I will not die not being a licensed driver that knows how to drive in spite of the way that went down for me when I was young. And even though teeth thing and a lot of things right now are these big lessons of frustration and like, you know, being robbed from things and it sucks. But I, there are certain ones I want to conquer, and that is one that I will conquer regardless.

[B]

But. Yeah, you will.

[A]

I don't know how to explain it in this retrograde, just everything, every, all the little things are happening, but I'm trying to even just like meeting the gate, I'm like, you know what? That made me so much more cognizant of so many more things and turn radiuses and all of the different things. And I'm just so grateful that no one was harmed and that it is a fixable problem. And that like, that could have saved me from a really serious moment where like, things could have gone very differently. And like, I'm just trying to remember that everything is redirection across this retrograde grade. You know, yesterday I went to Target.

[B]

I do. Because I waited two hours for you. Yes.

[A]

And I want to, I want to talk to you about why you waited for two hours for me. I'm gonna keep it really short.

[B]

You were just getting an air mattress so we could have a movie night and some s'. Mores. So I really want to know what the happened.

[A]

Well, so everyone, by the way, everyone, by the way, ever when I lived in Hollywood. Move to the Valley. Move to the Valley. The Valley is so much safer. It is still safe. And the Valley. I love the Valley. It's the safest ever. California.

[B]

It's the best. And nothing but the school that would take our kids. That's 150 grand a quarter.

[A]

Yes. Exactly.

[B]

Q1, Q2, Q3 and Q4.

[A]

The Valley. You should move to the Valley where I drive my Cayenne around and everything is Toluca.

[B]

Look, I literally live in Toluca Lake by the way. Literally don't rob me. But like I see like everyone that says that that sounds and talks and is that that till that they're my

[A]

neighbor Mil til the Valley. It is so safe over here.

[B]

I.

[A]

By the way and this is dark. I'm. I'm. I don't. I don't want to say it. The second that I moved into my house a couple doors down, a very well known person was murdered in their own home and robbed like a couple doors down. And then the robbery ring that was currently in Hollywood with this moved to the it. So just immediately I think that everyone who had told me that I would be so much safer and peaceful and happy like over this way. Like. And obviously I know that I have my stalker and he has driven by this house and like it's. That's just going to be a forever chemical, you know, like that's just. That's just going to be.

[B]

That thing's just going to be a Prop 65 warning forever.

[A]

I know that. But just the amount of things that have happened over here since I moved, I'm just like Los Angeles is hole. Anyways, I go to Target last night in the Valley and it's like such a family target. It has a parking lot. It's like nothing like the ones in Hollywood, as everyone says. And I get there and I'm having a great time and me, Ty and Isabella start shopping around Target. We're grabbing the things to make s'. Mores, we're grabbing the air mattress. We decide to go over to the toy aisle and we're looking at slime and we're looking at Moonsand and we get a couple things for all of us to like have fun with, like board games. We got Scattergood categories. We look down in the cart after we walk away from the toy aisle and we realize that like the Scattergories and Moonsand, this is such a tana like cart saying ah, I know a classic killer like stop. But it's okay. The first half of this podcast was no toilet Riz insight. So it's fine.

[B]

I hate to interrupt you looks. Maxers are literally just trans. Continue.

[A]

I know. I love that you interrupted me for that. I'm gonna take a sip of Dr. Pepper on that. Cheers.

[B]

Y' all are bone smashing. Ffs.

[A]

We should have clavicular on just to say that to his face. He.

[B]

I look, he keep seeing clips of him, like, being like, well, like, saying to a trans girl, I don't even know she's trans. But he's like, well, if you were a man, like, that's okay. Like, you're just now, like, the most beautiful and authentic version of yourself. Now I'm like, say you want to get clipped without saying, I want to get clipped.

[A]

I. We should do an entire podcast episode where we discuss clavicular because I can't do this in short form.

[B]

I'm so sorry.

[A]

No, I can't. I have so much to say. Yes. Back to the more serious things. And so we looked down in the cart. We noticed that, like, the moon, sand and the scatters there, but the other things we've gotten aren't there. And then we realize, oh, my God, this isn't our cart. My purse, my other phone and my wallet and my purse and my purse.

[B]

Why did I say red? She, last night was saying something about red flags. And then she just, like, randomly was like. She inserted the word red again. She's like, yeah. And then these red flags. And then if you ever see that red tomorrow. Tomorrow. Wait, why did I just say red? And she literally fully thought she was having, like, an aneurysm of sorts. So for the past, like, couple days, we, like, everyone in the house has just been, like, stopping in their tracks. Wait, why did I just say red?

[A]

Because my OCD really will convince me all the time that I'm just, like, fully in an episode. Mako always been so funny, making fun of me because I'll always be like, what if none of this is real and I'm just on a park bench? And if him and I are going back and forth, he'll literally, like, you're on a park bench. Like, so I had said red randomly. Everyone's looking at me like, what? Hello? And I. Why did I say red? Why did I say red? I needed an answer. I needed someone to explain it to me anyhow. Why did I just say red?

[B]

So what's in your cart? And let's follow the leader. Why did I say red?

[A]

All my shit's gone. I even had a zip up on and my zip up is missing. So all I have is this little phone, and I'm. I'm naked and afraid in this target. Like, my zip ups gone. I'm in my, like, core shorts and a tank top, and I'm just naked and afraid in this target. We're looking around for the car. Absolutely. Absolutely everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. I'm running around too, because, like, my phone, my wallet, all my cards, my purse, I'm just, like, tripping. And so much has been happening to me lately where I have to come home to Makoa tail between my legs and say I crashed the car. And I'm just imagining. Truly, it is an ego thing. I'm imagining having to come home and say all my stuff's gone because I lost it at Target because I was getting Moonsand end it. Like, it's so embarrassing. And I've never lost my in a Target ever. Heart racing out of my chest, running around the sweat store. We, like, finally find guest services worker. So kind, such a nice guy. He was honestly being so funny and, like, helpful. He was literally being like, you know, people do this with their children all the time. Like, people. People literally lose their children and. Or, like, swap children because we had swapped carts with someone else. We'd put the moon sand into a cart with someone else. We look into the cart. We realize we have their phone. So, like, we have their phone. And now. So now we're looking for someone else with the cart with my stuff in it, right?

[B]

We just call the. The phone.

[A]

I'm calling my other phone. I am. And I'm trying to track it. It's not working. The air tag in my wallet isn't working. I'm like, what the are these even for? Like, air tag supposed to be able to use the air to tag it. Nothing's happening. I can't. Yes. I can't find my stuff anywhere. We're running around this target for, like, 45 minutes. And so finally the guy's like, we can just stand at the exit and block the exit because then who. Whoever's like. And then I'm also imagining what if someone else is like, I don't want my phone. I actually want you all door thinks. And I'm just freaking out, right? He's like, we can stand by the exit. And as we're walking to the exit, this girl comes over, and she's, like, the sweetest fan. I love her so much. And she's like, I found your phone ringing. And I saw that it said Tana. And, like, she works at the Target. And she was like, I assume this was your cart. And it was with this woman. And, like, she's looking for her. So she, like, brings the whole situation together, okay? And so now I'm taking selfies with this girl, obviously. I'm so embarrassed too. I'm just like, she Will forever. And, like, again, I'm naked in the Target. Like, I had put my zip up in the cart. Like, I. I just look frazzled. I'm just like, I'm so embarrassed with this girl. And so then, obviously, now we have to swap carts with the other woman.

[B]

The other woman.

[A]

She was not Target. She was on Mars.

[B]

She like, like drugs.

[A]

She. She was not at Target, babe. She was anywhere but with the white bullseye dog. She was anywhere but Target. Okay. She was looking for a Target. Maybe. Like, she was not. Not at the restaurant.

[B]

Baby, there is no plane. Yeah.

[A]

She's like, screaming at us because her cart that we had put our moon sand into was filled with children's shoes. And, like, the. The things from the children's shoes had come out of the shoes, and she was accusing us of going through the children's shoes. And. And so then obviously, like, you know, I gather my things. We're trying to explain to her, but there's. She. She wasn't at the Target.

[B]

So you were on fm. She was on am. That's a. That's a big reference I use a lot when someone's on a different, like, wavelength. I'm like, we're over here on FM and you're over here on am.

[A]

And so then I get my stuff, I leave the Target. I was like, that was kind of a footy experience.

[B]

Footy.

[A]

I've never really lost my things in a store. There is like. And then you're apologizing to the workers. And then her being a supporter of me, like, it was very, like, I was just like, oh, my God, I'm so. I was so embarrassed. And like, now I have to go home and tell Makoa, and it's just like, whatever. We're driving. Driving home from the Target.

[B]

Oh, and this is what I know.

[A]

Well, no, I see this billboard that says burglary. And it was like, for a. Like, burglary and theft. And it was like, for a lawyer that helps with burglary and theft in Los Angeles. And then my OCD loves to do that. Like, if I see something and I hyper fixate on it. And I always say it's such a fine line because I do think I'm a very intuitive person. And, like, my zodiac sign and all the houses I'm in. You can ask Paige, right?

[B]

Saturn. Something returns.

[A]

Like, I know that I'm very, very into intuitive. And, like, sometimes I will joke and be like, I'm psychic.

[B]

No, I believe that we have a fierce intuition. Genuinely, I do.

[A]

But obviously now with ocd, I never know if it's just like OCD and it's the thought repeating like, you're gonna die, you're gonna die, you're gonna die. Or if it's my intuition. Right. But I see this billboard that says theft and then my brain is telling me, like, someone's gonna get something stolen from them tonight. Like theft is going to happen, burglary is going to happen. Like, I don't know what's going to happen. This whole car ride home.

[B]

And then I get home, this is when I came.

[A]

Yes. Helicopters are circling my street and cars are backed up and like I'm also in my convertible. So I'm just really in the mix of this. Like outside people are fleeing in the street and like running, whatever. I walk through the front door. We all hear a gunshot.

[B]

Yes. And then we open the Citizen app and it's not even like down the

[A]

street, it's on my street.

[B]

It's on. It's milk till the Valley. It was like a young party too. And you were like seeing, we were seeing all these like Ubers of like, like these kids, like in these like Priuses, like calling these Ubers. It looks like a Project X thing of sorts. And like everyone's like watching the same Snapchat we saw.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was just like car after car after car after car because we opened the door to see why and then that's when we heard the second gunshot. You know the pattern. Not the pattern. Jesus. Pattern, Citizen, it's all the same.

[A]

Comparing the pattern, comparing the pattern, the

[B]

pattern out to the gunshot.

[A]

So then as we're checking the app though, there had been two sets of gunshots that were like 20 minutes apart. And so then that was kind of freaking me out because then I was like, what if it's not a house party thing? What if it's like. And then my mind, the theft thing was still on my mind. So I was like, security. Like, I need to just make sure security's on 10. And like, what's going on right now? Like, I'm really scared. Like, what if it's like a break in thing? Like, what's going on with the gunshots? 35 minutes go by and Meg calls me and she's like, tana, I like hate to tell you this, but I was just at the abbey in weho and someone stole my phones. One of them being our work phone. And like the.

[B]

This is all the same night.

[A]

This is all in the same night. And I could go on a whole podcast tangent about The Abby and how. I believe it is all an inside job. Lisa Renault started that conversation, like, really this year again, she, like, brought it back up.

[B]

You had a premonition. You had a premonition. You had a moment. You had a. You did have some fierce intuition. And not only were almost all of your things stolen by someone on AM radio, but you saw the billboard and there was gunshots in your neighborhood and your work phone got stolen. That's a. Was a heavy night. No, it was one night of the retrograde.

[A]

And. Yes, and this retrograde has just been feeling like that where I'm really. Even the other day, I'm trying to sell this house, move to. I'm trying to move out. I had this conversation where I called my real estate agent and she's like, my bestie love. I'm basically just telling her, like, girl, I think I'm gonna die in this house.

[B]

I think I'm. Dude, I'm in the same boat as you for different reasons. Like, I have been in my place for several years now, and I just want to, like, sell it and get rid of it and. And move somewhere else and have a fresh start. Especially, like, I don't know, like, the breakup and everything. It's like at the walls. I'm like, the. There's demons in here. Yeah.

[A]

I just. I. You know what I kept saying to her? I kept saying to her, for me, the way I feel about this house, it was a great investment and a beautiful time here. I love this house. Is a beautiful home that I'm so grateful for. And if you told, and I hate to say, say it, but if you told Dirty Door Tana that she would ever be a homeowner, ever have a house, like, it's just unbelievable to me, and I'm so beyond grateful, but it feels like someone else's house. And I always say that. I. I like. I can literally imagine the family that is going to live in this house. And I think that I bought this house in an era of my life where I was more materialistic and I was trying to hit this societal standard where everyone was telling me I wasn't good enough if I owned a. Didn't own a house. Yeah, it is gluttony. It is maximalism. I do not need this much house.

[B]

You don't. You're also just, like, deep in the Valley.

[A]

I'm. And I'm all right about. And there's a soccer field. There's a basketball court. I don't need a soccer field.

[B]

No. This is FIFA's happening at SoFi.

[A]

But I have this whole phone call with her the other day where I'm going, get me out of this house. Like, help me get out of this. Like, let's figure it out. Like, I think this is someone else's house. The very second I hang up from the phone call coming out of my phone. Evacuation notice. There's a fire minutes away. Minute. I'm not even like, black smoke in the sky. I was in my closet. All doors closed. You could smell smoke. Like, and I've already had to evacuate this house for fires one time. I'm not even joking. You, like in the. On watch duty. Like, there's the zone of the fire and then there was me. The wind's blowing directly just towards the blue dot. That was my location.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I've already. I. I've seen this film before. So we just.

[B]

And I didn't like the ending.

[A]

Yes. So we just start ripping off the walls, packing them in suitcases. I have all my stuff ready. Like, I know that the way the California fires work, like, how if it's

[B]

fast and it's unexpected.

[A]

So unexpected. It's so fast. But I'm sitting here and I'm like, oh, my God. During this retrograde, I cannot. I'm literally saying, get me out of this house. Get me out of this house. That's not what I meant.

[B]

Like, don't force me out.

[A]

Like, that's not what I. I just

[B]

meant that, like, oh, my God. I didn't even think about that.

[A]

Everything the I, like, think or say or whatever I'm trying to be so. Even how. Megan, I had that whole conversation before I crashed the car where I'm talking about the, like, safety of, like, driving and, like, I don't want to do anything bad. And then I immediately hit the gate. Like, I'm just trying to be so careful.

[B]

Yeah, but like, the words that you're saying out loud.

[A]

Yeah. And I. I genuinely was just saying, like, I'm ready to get out of this house. I wasn't saying anything negative.

[B]

It's not, hey, get rid of this house. It's never that. That It's. Let me move on peacefully to my next location while I collect what I spent here and give it to a nice family.

[A]

100.

[B]

We're going to have to be real specific until I think it's July 23rd is when it ends. Yeah. I know things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. The citizen app told me that the pattern I'm going to.

[A]

I'm just so, so aware right now of our words Being power.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Even just being so, so careful about everything that we see say. And like, even just like that, we know that this is going to be a beautiful era for you.

[B]

Yeah. And that's why I'm so, like, sitting here, like, carrying myself with elegance through, you know, all the things we just talked about previously. And like, I'm not, it's not my job to serve justice to somebody, nor am I that type of person who wants to bring evil onto the screen or an ugly part of myself that I feel like I just find it irrelevant. And I think again, right now, if you want to be the woo woo bitch like we're saying we are, are, I think everything that we say out loud in general, not even just in retrograde, like there becomes some sort of materialization in some way, shape or form. If something, again, back to the tears. If something I can or something you can say to me can physically make my body release a tear, imagine just what it could do to, like, the energy field of the world.

[A]

It's so true. And I'm just talking to plants.

[B]

Sorry, but people talk to plants and they grow better. I'm sorry, I'm putting the mic down.

[A]

No, it's real.

[B]

It is real.

[A]

I don't care how, ooh, I sound. Even like the beginning half of this podcast. Podcast, I felt like that was so cathartic for me where I just wanted to continue to manifest sobriety and peace and a peaceful environment and a peaceful community and a happy one and just like, continue to show the girls that they can do that. Even if I'm dragging that I don't care. I want to continue to do that forever and ever and ever. And I'm just very happy that we got to have this conversation today and, you know, speak to the universe in a beautiful way together as we always do. But today, being on camera and I love you.

[B]

I love you too. You need to come on six Feet above soon.

[A]

I will be on six Feet above very soon. You know, I already think you and Kate are just the funniest people alive. She's the best. She was a part of our little wolf pack too.

[B]

And I know she was here when, when all the things went down.

[A]

No, I, I, she's just so funny.

[B]

She really is.

[A]

Even like all the things she was saying to you to lift you up, like, I know. Love her.

[B]

Cuz everyone knows, like, different. Everyone has their own little quirks and what they think was gonna, like, lift someone's mood. And she's just like, you guys all just play again. Like, we all. What did you say? Like, we all, like, play different parts of how we lift each other up. Everyone has, like, a different role or, like a different kind of, like, character arc. I feel like I'm like, going through, like, Mario characters. I'm like, which one are you gonna be in today? Yeah. And it's beautiful. No, it is beautiful. And this was such a lovely and healing conversation. Sorry, I kind of like, lost it there for a second.

[A]

No, I'm so happy you did. I think that that's everything I wanted Brand Safe to be is what today's episode is. Vulnerable and real and my friendships and my life and all of those things. So you are definitely a huge part of that. And this is so much better than the beta episode that we shot originally that will end up being a patreon. The funny parts of that. The other parts are going to go

[B]

to the 30 seconds long.

[A]

Sorry. No, there was a couple. We talked a lot about Shane Dawson and it was funny and I kind of want to keep that.

[B]

Okay. Sorry. I did. I did have to do that. I'm sorry if I like interrupt you sometimes on this.

[A]

I'm like, oh, my God, are you kidding me? We were ADHD girlies. And I love it. And I love you, Trevi Moran. Please just go stream everything that she does, whether it's her podcast or her music, and lift her up in this time, as I love to do. And. And you are my world.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

We are so brand safe.

[B]

We are so, so brand safe.

[A]

Bye, guys.

[B]

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