Loading summary
Transcript6 lines
- [00:01]
A
With the American Express Platinum card, I can unlock experiences like no other. Since I'm always booking my next trip, I love that I can earn points on travel. Plus I get a resy benefit. So, you know, I'm hitting the restaurants everyone's talking about. And you can find out your welcome offer after you apply, which could be as high as 175,000 points. For experiences like no other. There's nothing like platinum. Learn more@americanexpress.com Explore Platinum Terms apply.
- [00:30]
B
Your next unforgettable experience can happen anytime. Take an AMEX card with you for rewards wherever you go. Morning coffee run with an old friend. Earn cash back. Weekend getaway. Earn miles. AMEX rewards your inner explorer. Learn more@american express.com terms apply. We are so brand safe today. I'm having a horrible mental health day. I really am. And it's funny, I was just downstairs and I was talking to Ashley and Paige, and I was just detailing to them why I feel like I'm having a bad mental health day and just, you know, how I'm feeling. And they were like, oh, like, okay, so, like, they're all going to get massages right now. Everyone's, like, going on an excursion. And I was supposed to go, and I decided to opt out. And they were like, okay, like, what are you gonna do? Like, take a nap? And I was like, I'm gonna go shoot a podcast. And they're like, what the is wrong with you? Like, in my formative years, I guess I ended up turning to YouTube, like, as a whole, turning to, like, talking to a camera and putting my thoughts out there in the world as this way of, like, expression, but also this way of, like, almost throwing my thoughts into the void and hoping that they hit somewhere and that someone was listening and that whatever I was going through could, like, help someone. And I don't mean to be all using my pain for my art, okay? Like, it's not. It's not that deep. But over the years, as time has gone on, it really has become a coping mechanism of mine. Like, I came up here to the room, and everyone was having such a great time downstairs, and I was just like, like, I need to go upstairs and, like, have a second alone. I just kind of started doing my things. And I used to never be this way. Also, like, when I was having a bad mental health day or a bad mental health moment, like, in my earlier 20s and teens and stuff, and I relate this partially to substances, but also not. I think that I would let it consume me. I would let the rain cloud take over and I would not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel at all. And whatever moment I was in would just be like. It would feel as though it was going to be forever. I also never believed in all the fufu. I think that when people were like, oh, if you're having a bad mental health day, drink a bunch of water, do a skincare routine, take a shower, work out like all those things, I was like, work out this. I believed that I was in the hole so deep that something as trivial as doing a skincare routine was not going to drag me out of the hole. And I think that now when I'm having a bad mental health day, I'm able to zoom out and recognize that, like, tomorrow is a new day and this moment is not going to be, like, damning forever. And that there are little things I can do to like, alleviate it and help myself. And I want to do an episode all about that. All about the different things that I do to help myself when I'm in a funk or when I'm feeling down. Because I think that for the most part I'm a pretty happy person and I have good mental health days. And then I just think now and again, whatever chemicals up here and all the things I've been through and my trauma and all of just like the. The menahune in my brain, like the little. The little troll dolls they come out to play. And I have a day that I don't win mentally and that's okay. But now I do. I think that with my will to live being higher, I can recognize, okay, I'm not having a good mental health day. But I want to do things to try to fix it. So I came up here and I did a couple things just like as simple as, like, my hair felt dry. So I put a bunch of conditioner in my hair and I put it in a little bun. I grabbed my favorite moisturizer right now. Road barrier butter. Please send me some. It's so expensive. I put a little lip gloss on. I put on this little dress because I've been wanting to wear it. I put in a cute earring that I felt like match my dress. And it's all like, stupid things. Whether it's like lighting a candle. I sprayed my favorite perfumes and like lotions on me. I think there's something like so cathartic about that. Like putting your favorite scent that like, you associate with so many happy memories and, like, just takes you out of being like, I smell Like a plain Jane and takes you into like, I smell like me. So I put on some lush super milk all over my body and then I put on some Louis Vuitton perfume and I drank a bunch of arrowhead water. I'm pounding that water that tastes like it was poured over a rock. Okay. I started to feel a little better, like a little bit though. And I was like, I really do just want to like sit down and vomit out my thoughts. I find this also very interesting. I do my most profound thinking and almost speaking playing of my thoughts when I am not in a good mental space. I think that when I'm in a good mental space, I want to be a lot more like peepee poo poo, you know, I want to be a lot more like. As I'm saying that I'm doing like profound thinking. I'm like, peepee poo poo. Hear me out though. Like, yeah, when I'm happy and when I'm having like a good day, a lot of the things that I want to like speak and put out into the world or like film even is just a lot more like lighthearted and humor and stuff like that. And when I'm having a bad day, I'm the exact opposite. I think I revert back to 15 year old Tana, who wanted to use her pain for the greater good, who was shouting into the void, who was hoping someone would hear and all the things I was saying in the beginning of the podcast. And that's like when and how I do my most profound thinking. And I can almost see it as a good thing like that at least something is coming out of the way I feel. I also really struggle with that with my book and I've been struggling with that lately. Like, I only want to write my book when I'm sad or having a bad day or in this mood that I'm in right now. It was literally like, either get in bed and write my book or get in bed and do a podcast. And obviously I'm sitting here like I'm like Edgar Allan Poe. I'm sitting here like I'm Vincent Van Gogh and I'm cutting off my ear and my trauma and that's how I make my best art. And like, it's not that I think of myself in that way, but I understand that like a certain type of my. I'm not going to use the word art, but like my content that I want to put out I can only make when I'm in this headspace, which I find interesting. But yeah, And I can't even, like, pinpoint what it is. Well, actually, it all started today with a cup of coffee. And I don't know if anybody relates to this, okay, But I need some sort of liquid substance, okay, if it's not, if it's not that, it's going to be coke to wake me up for the day, whether it's a matcha, whether it's an energy drink, whatever, right? And my vice of choice in the realm of buying borrowed energy is a cup of coffee. And so every morning I'll drink my little cup of iced coffee, let's say across a span of seven days, six out of the seven times I have my cup of coffee, it is executed perfectly. The seas part, there's rainbows and glitter. I suddenly have more energy. The coffee is working appropriately. Like, I feel great and it's doing its exact purpose. And then on one of those random seven days, I drink that same cup of coffee that I've been drinking for the other six. And I can be in the exact same physical state as well. Like the same amount of sleep the night before, the same amount of hydration, the same amount of stress levels, like nothing else is changing with me. But that seventh cup of coffee ends up giving me the exact opposite effect than the other six days when I drink it. And it will give me this effect of, like, I call it the sad Zoomies. I feel it physically coursing through my veins, but that's as far as it goes. It doesn't give me energy. I'm not smiley and happy. I'm low key, a bitch, and I'm an anxious bitch. And my OCD is, like, flaring up. Earlier I sneezed, and for 10 minutes I was convinced that said sneeze was a premature stroke. That, like, I was going to then have a stroke because of the sneeze. Like, and it's just not true. It's just not true. Like, and it's. And I can notice that I'm like, oh, my OCD is just, like, flaring up and giving me thoughts that are, like, not my own. And, like, I'm just anxious. I have, like, the fucking anxious stutter. I just sound like today, all day, I'm just anxious and, like, arguably in a little bit of an angsty or, like, bad mood. And it's the same cup of coffee that I had yesterday that made me, like, productive and happy. I don't really like energy drinks. I think they make me feel like static tv. It's too foreign of a high. And I think Energy drinks give me more angst than like a more natural caffeine. And Lord knows I, Tana Mongeau, don't need an ounce more angst than I already have. And so because of all this, I had a few months stint where I quit all caffeine except for tea. I was doing green tea in the morning, which is for like, fat burning. It has a lot of other, like, health benefits. But I was like, what in the energy micro dose is this? Like, I need. I need that crack in my veins. And this was never happening to me either until I got sober or like in the last, like, year and a half, I would just drink five espresso shots, like in the day. And maybe that's the thing. Maybe my adrenal glands are just shot and they're begging for me to stop. I don't know. And obviously I guess that there's like the solution of sleeping for 12 hours every night. I could also be Christopher Columbus and sail the in ocean blue. Like, we're just saying things that aren't going to happen. And then people like take l cyanine, take magnesium. And it's like, I do. Like, I've tried all of those things. I just think that sometimes I'm going to have a bad coffee day and it sucks because you never know when it's going to hit you. And that's kind of how it all started today. I also think I've been extremely dysmorphic these past few days, which I think it's amplified due to the situation I'm in. Like, we're on this beach trip and like, when I'm in Hawaii, I really just embrace my natural. I think that Cabo is very interesting because it's still forcing me to kind of get glam and like, do all the things. And I'm having to start from like, wet rat and turn into like, ig thought as a reformed plastic. You know, at one point in my life, I was living so dysmorphically like, in it with the need, the desire to have perfectly bleached hair at all times, have hair down to my ass at all times. I was wearing waist trainers so often that I dislocated a rib in a waist trainer. And then I still continued to wear the waist trainer all the time. You dislocated a rip. What? More what? Like, that is the sign from God. Like, there is no bigger sign that you should stop wearing the waist trainer trainer. Then dislocating a ribbon. I put that back on. I said, maybe it'll put it back into place. Okay. I couldn't laugh, I couldn't like breathe. Like I couldn't do anything. My rib was dislocated and obviously all of the face tune of it all, like the red dress skates and just the warping. I don't know if you guys remember the OG photo of me and Isabella on the swing set and I just made the entire swing set like, like, just. And I think that I've healed in a lot of ways from that and am able your next unforgettable experience can happen anytime. Take an AMEX card with you for rewards wherever you go. Morning coffee run with an old friend. Earn cash back. Weekend getaway. Earn miles AMEX rewards your inner explorer. Learn more@americanexpress.com terms apply with the American
- [10:56]
A
Express Platinum card, I can unlock experiences like no other since I'm always booking my next trip. I love that I can earn points on travel plus I get a resy benefit. So you know, I'm hitting the restaurants everyone's talking about and you can find out your welcome offer after you apply, which could be as high as 175,000 points for experiences like no other. There's nothing like Platinum. Learn more@american express.com Explore-platinum Terms apply
- [11:25]
B
to embrace and have a lot more love for who I am naturally than ever before. I would say at this point in my life, I'm the least dysmorphic than I've ever been. You know, I can recognize that like the least interesting thing about me is how I look. I have so much more to provide than just the esthetic I present with. But then it's hard because we're living in this like tick tock society. I was talking about this today, but I think I just don't enjoy watching Tick Tock. I think that Tick Tock used to be fun. Don't get me in a red hat that says make Tick Tock fun again. But I swear to God, I open the app now and so much of the things I've been taking are just a life that you can't have and like a face that you don't have and like products that you need to like, look a certain way. Like, I do think that society adds a lot of ways to feel like about yourself. I think that where we're at in society and the things you're consuming on your phone definitely add to like the negativity and the dysmorphia. But like I said, I do think that I'm overall in a much more embracing period of life than I ever have been of my natural self and who I am and understanding that letting go of this ideal that you need to be your idea of perfect all the time can stop you from having so much fun. But I also think that just like anything, any demon that you conquer, you have periods where you kind of relapse on the demon, where the demon shows up to your house uninvited and asks to sleep on the couch for a couple days and you're low key pissed because you wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy on the couch and now they're sleeping on the pull out couch and like, they're eating your favorite snacks and you're just like annoyed that they're there, but you, you let them in anyway. You know, that's kind of how I felt with the Dysmorphia demon for the past few days. And that's just the worst. Like, getting all ready and you're looking in the mirror and you're just like, I just don't like what I see. And I mean, I can still recognize that there are things that I need to do, like this trip. There are also trips in our life that are healthy eating, skinny, teeny little trips. And then there are also big inhalation for eat everything in front of you trips. And this has been one of those. And I have to remind myself that like, food is the greatest thing that life has to offer and the dopamine and the memories created around it and like, just how much fun we've been having and stuff. But that amongst many things. Also just the hair, my slob. But even, like, it's so stupid. Like, it's so stupid. I have convinced myself that, like, I only look my best when I have orange goo that smells like foot all over my body, making me a shade that I am so obviously not the way that I'm like, just like, I need a spray tan so bad. It will fix everything. Like, a spray tan sometimes is better than an ssri. And like, I know that that's like, not true. But like, it's just, it was getting the best of me and like, it all kind of started there. And then today, I don't know what it is. I mean, I shot two podcasts yesterday and they were very silly and long and just reflective, I guess, of like, crazier times and stuff. I don't know if it like caught up to me today. Like, I borrowed a lot of energy yester, but I am just like having one of those days. And like I said, I do think it's so important when you're having a bad mental health day to, like, recognize it, own it, and live in it. Like, get in bed. Like, I think that even just saying it out loud, like, if you're around people, I mean, like, yo, I'm like having one of those moments, you know, I'm having an off day and owning it and understanding that tomorrow can be different and doing those little things for yourself. It's like, I was talking about this with Paige yesterday, but I always think of my. The way I think in my head. Like, the person I speak in is not I or you. It's always we. I'm always like, we got this. And like, it's very much one of those days where I'm like, okay, we need to do a little bit of skin care for ourselves. Like, we need to put on our favorite perfume. We need to like, drink some water. We need to get in bed. We need to acknowledge our thoughts. And like, for me, something that I know that will make me feel better is sitting and talking to all of you. That's what I'm doing today. It is also very interesting the way that I cope with, like, heavy that's going on too. Like, I think that I've always been the type of person where things that I actually hold like, very deep to my heart or like deep pain and deep wounds, I process them very much on my own time. I will talk it through with people. I need to also find a good therapist. I think that I have a serious problem. I've tried a decent amount of therapists in my life, but I. I think that I am so self aware and self almost feeling diagnosing of my problems. I will be like, I'm going through this thing and I'm feeling this exact pain. And I know that I'm feeling this exact pain because I felt this way when I was a child. And I know that it manifested into me having like this type of anxiety and these OCD thoughts. And I know that I'm having these thoughts and I know how to alleviate them with exposure therapy or not detesting them and just accepting them. And it's like I'm almost so self aware that I know exactly, like, what it is, why it is, how to fix it to the, to the utmost degree. And like, I'll go into a therapy session and the therapist is like, yeah, you hit the nail on the head. Hug your inner child. And I'm like, hell yeah. Here's 400 bucks. Thanks, Stacy. You know, like, I haven't found someone who makes me think outside this prison makes me think outside this box. Like. Or someone who is, like, adding to my diagnosis is. And, like, thoughts on the things that I'm feeling. And maybe that would help me. I don't know. I guess I should just, like, talk about it. I guess I should talk about the things that are going on in my head right now. I was originally. In my head. This was going to be a different episode than what I'm about to get into talking about. But you know what? We're here, we're in bed, and we're talking, so I'm going to get into it. For the past six months or so, I found out that my mom is going to die. My mother's going to die. Like, my birth mother. This started six months ago. I got a call from them. Like, I was looking down at my phone, and my mother and my father were calling me, and I hadn't seen their name on my phone in, like, eight or nine years. And I was like, decline back to grace. And I was like, what the hell? And then they start calling Amari, they start calling Isabella, and, like, we all live together. And, like, you know what I mean? Like, whatever. And Amari. Amari's very sweet, too, because anything that has happened with my parents, like, reaching out or being insane, like, since they tried to sue me, he is so family in the sense that he knows how much pain it causes me, that he will be a buffer for me, me. He will be like, do you want me to call them? Do you want me to answer this? Like, what do you want me to say? Like, he knows how much it all is something that I have no interest in and no part of that. He will always step up to the plate as my brother and not only be a middleman, be a communicator, but then be the person. Isabella, too, Ashley too. Like, they all will sit around and give me advice that I know I need to hear. And it's so special to have people that know your situation so firsthand. You know what I mean? They knew my parents for a very long time. They fought my parents for a very long time. They dealt with a lot of the emotional and narcissistic abuse and all of the things that I dealt with, like, with me as my friend in those environments. They were there for me when I went no contact. They were there for me every single step of the way, you know? And so I love that everyone's just downstairs right now, by the way, playing flip cup. I'm, like, up here. Duality, okay? Duality. Paige is like, barking below me right now, and I'm like, yeah, my mother's gonna die anyways. So I appreciate them so much, and they are my true ideal of family. So, I mean, it's interesting, right? And I think that something I've never talked about a lot about my mother is that she is and was an incredibly anxious person and, like, an incredibly dramatic person in a way that I've never been, like, screaming, freaking out. Like, just everything is 911 in the end of the world. There's no differentiation or level of problem. And growing up, she would always like. Like, do that. Like, if she had a headache, it was like, oh, my God, I'm dying. But it was so level 10. It was like. Like screaming at the top of her lungs and sobbing over everything all the time. It almost made me very desensitized to any problem that she was having because it was like, either, like, this is not true and you're using it to get out of something, or like, this might be a small problem, but you're dramatizing it to the fullest extent to play victim, to avoid, like, problems that you're having in your own life, or like, just everything is 9 11, and there's no levels to these things, so you become desensitized to actual, real things. And then my father's just an absolute maniac. So it was just like a constant, chaotic whirlwind. Yeah. I hadn't really heard anything from them since they sued me. That was the moment I decided to go. No contact. I talked about on cancel. My mom showed up at a poker tournament that I was having, and I chose not to see her. And I reached out and I said, please don't ever do that again. And she was kind of asking, is, big color, bigger savings? Sherwin Williams said, super sale is here. Get 40% off paints and stains June 5th through the 11th with prices starting at $30.89. Whether you're refreshing your interior or exterior, we've got the colors to bring your vision to life. And with delivery, getting everything to your door is easier than ever. Shop online to have it delivered or visit your neighborhood Sherwin Williams store. Click the banner to learn more. Retail sales only some exclusions apply. See store for details. Delivery available on qualifying order.
- [20:15]
A
This podcast is sponsored by talkspace. Last year, I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself. When you're navigating Life's changes. Talkspace can help. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers that you can access anytime, anywhere. Living a busy life, navigating a long distance relationship, becoming a first stepfather, Talkspace made all of those journeys possible. I could speak with my therapist in the office. I could speak of my therapist in the comfort of my home. I was never alone. Talkspace works with most major insurers and most insured members have a zero dollar copay. No insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off your first month with promo code space80 when you go to talkspace.com match with a licensed therapist today at talkspace.com save $80 with code
- [21:13]
B
space80@talksp talkspace.com there any way that I can see you? And I said no. Essentially I said no. And no contact is a very interesting thing to wrestle with as well. And my parents are much older, you know, they were born in 53 and 59. I know what I want right now. I deeply know that I want no contact. But it's almost like I find myself and have found myself in scenarios like her showing up to that poker tournament or just different even just randomly across the day. I find myself in these scenarios where I'm almost fighting with myself at 45 because I know that they are going to die soon. It's like me fighting with my 45 year old self of like, are you making the right decision? Are you going to regret one day that you did, didn't do things the right, the quote unquote right way? And there's no like real answer, you know what I mean? But it's like there's the side of your brain that's like should you just try to make amends? Should you just try to do these different things? Should you do it for them? Should you like all these things and you, you don't know like at the. I don't know how I'm going to feel when I'm 40. I can only assume how I'm going to feel. Making those decisions accordingly is very difficult. And so anyways, Amare ends up taking the call from them and my mom was having a heart attack and she was in the ambulance and she was on her way to the hospital. She's like, I just want to talk to Tana. I just want to talk to Tana. I just want to talk to Tana. And I was in bed with Makoa and I was like this really might be the moment and I need to decide right Here, right now, what I want to do. I decided that I would take the call. She calls my phone, and I answer it. And even that something as little as being like, holy, I forgot what your voice sounds like, you know, like, it's been so long. As much as they are still alive, I have mourned them as though they are dead. The idea of them as people and as my parents, them, like, being in my life, I have mourned it. You know, it's just weird because it's like you. You put them in this box and you kind of tuck it away. You know, it's there in the garage and stuff, and you open it now and again, and you work on healing your wounds, but you forget that it's like this is just another human being. And I'm hearing her voice, and she's hysterical. She's, like, an absolute mess. And she's just like, I love you and I'm sorry, and, like, all these things. But it's so hard with my parents because they always were that. They always were, I'm gonna do the worst thing absolutely ever to you. And then I think that, like, I'm sorry, he's gonna fix this, but I'm going to do the absolute worst thing ever to you again tomorrow. And you become. I think I was immun the phrase I'm sorry by the time I was 6 years old, and I. I knew it meant nothing. And I actually ended up carrying that. In my childhood, I would get in trouble a lot in school because I would do bad things, and then I would just keep saying sorry, and then I would just keep doing the bad things again. And the teachers would have to be like, you don't mean this when you're saying it because you're just going to do it again. But that was all I knew, like, at home, like, that you could just do a horrible thing, and you could say, I'm sorry, and then you could do it again. So I've become very, like, immune to that. And I do struggle with, like, I believe that she's sorry. I believe that, like, she wanted better, and she wanted to be a mom. She wanted me, and she wanted to be a mom. She had seven failed pregnancies before she had me, and I was the seventh. So I know that that's all she wanted was a baby girl. And her mental health got the worst of her. And being in an abusive relationship got the worst of her. Being a bad person got the worst of her. I think a lot of her being a bad person was being influen influenced by my dad. But at the same time, if you're succumbing to it at the expense of a child over and over and over and over again, it doesn't matter if it's at the hands or not, you know. And I think that I, for a long time had a lot of resentment for the fact that she couldn't just get up and she couldn't just leave and she couldn't just create a new life for herself and she had no desire to have peace. She wanted to live in the anger and she wanted to live in the chaos. My dad was also her third marriage, so she like, that's all she had ever known. Her father, my grandpa, was very toxic and an alcoholic. That's. And it was a different generation, you know what I mean? Where mental health wasn't validated and where all she was supposed to be was like a homemaker and a wife and no matter what you say by your husband, even if they're abusive and even if they're awful and that my father was and whatever, but she ended up just staying and just doing none of it. And for a long time I had so much resentment for her for that. Like, I think that it made me the person I am in so many ways because I was like, I will never just sit by and watch my life pass and be so shitty. I will never make every other people's lives a living hell because of my demons. I will work through them. Like just so many different things were. Because I didn't want to be anything like her, but I still needed a mother and I didn't have one, you know. But we get on the phone and I hear her voice and she's saying these things and I'm talking to her and I immediately step into the role, the only role I ever knew with my mother, you know what I mean? The only role I ever knew with both of my parents. They were never my parents. I was parenting my parents. I was parenting them. Them. That is all I ever knew. Whether it was like controlling the way that they were acting in public because it was so erratic or trying to mediate a fight that they were in because it was so volatile or trying to get one of them to calm down because of how angry and abusive they were being, or trying to get my mom out of bed just to show up for one thing. For me one time from the age of five even. And it's so funny how many of these like things bring up so many random memories. Even just now, as I was saying That I had a random flash to the day that I wanted to learn to tie my shoes because I was. I was older than everyone and all the other kids, like, they knew how to tie their shoes and I didn't. And I kept asking them to teach me, and they would never teach me. I just had this random flash of me being 5 years old, and it's like 2pm And I'm trying to drag my mom out of bed to teach me to tie my shoes before we leave the house. And she gets up and she's like, what the are you doing? Get the the out of my room. Stop asking me that. Like, literally just like me. You're so annoying. You're so awful. Get the out of my room. And I sat outside of her door. And over and over again, I just repeatedly tried to teach myself how to tie my shoes until I knew how to tie my shoes. That's. That's just what it always was. You know what I mean? It was me parenting myself and me parenting them. That's why I still tie my shoes. Like a absolute imbecile, by the way. Two bunny ears. Yeah, just a lot of that. And it's funny because even as much time passes, I pick up this phone call with her, and I'm parenting her again. And she's telling me, tana, I'm so scared to die. I'm so scared to die. I don't want to die. I just want to die with you by my side. I just want you to be there, like, please come to Vegas. Please, like, please, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And I'm sitting there on the phone, and I'm just like, I want you to know that I forgive you. I want the both of you to know that I genuinely forgive you from the bottom of my heart. That there is not a part of me now at 27 years old, that holds any anger and resentment. I hold a lot of reality. I know what the reality is. But, like, I don't hold any anger and resentment towards you. And I want to let you know that, like, I am so happy with the woman that I've become and the life that I've made for myself. And everything happens for a reason. And, like, I. I thank you for that. And I want you to know that there is a part of me that has so much love for you, like a mother. Like, I. I literally look at my mother as, like, a daughter that I could never raise. I feel so sorry for you, and I wish that you got better. And how devastating is it to see you Here on your deathbed, knowing that you never made it out, knowing that you never. They're still with my dad and it's still awful. And now you're begging for your estranged child to come see you because you regret how horrible you were and all of the up things that you did. And you don't know me and I don't know you anymore because of the choices that you made across your life. Like that is. And all you ever wanted was a child and to not fail and to, you know, like that is devastating. It is so devastating to me knowing that like she's going to die having failed. The first time she will ever know peace in her life is when she dies. And that's something that helps me, honestly. Like when I think about her passing, I imagine her like floating and her body is in no pain and like literally I have this vision of like butterflies around her and she's laughing and like she's holding me again as a baby. And she has this like fresh start in another life life, you know, that's like super beautiful for her because she, she didn't get it. And it's. That's what makes me so sad. It's almost like in the parenting aspect that like you just you up so royally and my dad gets on the phone and he's just like, he's nuts, dude. I mean, he has split personality or multiple personality disorders. So you never know which version of my dad you are going to get. Which he got in the war in Vietnam, which is just like crazy within itself, you know what I mean? And I have so much empathy for him, like in that sense. He was the oldest of seven kids and his dad would walk in and out the front door like it was nothing. And he had to like raise of his brothers and sisters like his own. And he only knew the like abusive way. And then he went off to the war and he came back wonky tonk tatious, you know. But the version of his personality that I got on the phone when I was talking to them was such an interesting one. It was like very almost like remorseful as well. I think that he was trying to. And I always talk about this, that my dad would just randomly wake up some days and try to like instill morals on me and lessons on me, and I would never take them seriously because I was like, I don't want to be anything like you, so why the fuck I listen to the one day of the month that you're trying to give me advice or like tell me anything or Whatever. But that's just who he was and how he was. And I think that that's kind of the version of himself that he was in on the call. And he was like, tana, I didn't talk to my dad for, you know, 25 years. And my dad cleaned pools his whole life and so did his dad. And he was like, but we held the pool, pool together one last time before he died. Like, please come do that with us. Like, please come do that with us. And I was like, damn. So crazy that like this up way of thinking has lasted generations for you, but was trying to get me to just come see them and like, guilt tripping me into it and like, do the right thing. I'm like just saying sentences that were like, so him. I don't know, just being like, all families are up. Like, even the stewards are up. Like. But that is like comparing Jeffrey Dahmer to like someone who like had to put their 13 year old cat down. You know what I mean? Like, there's no, it's incomparable, like, of course the Stewart family and all of us, like, we have our own intricacies and like normal issues and stuff, but they were the first people to ever show me absolute unconditional love. But I know that the narcissism and my parents have to write off that the stewards are not good people because they got to take the role of being my parents. And that's a narcissist worst nightmare. That their child is essentially saying, like, these are not my parents, these other people are my parents. That is a narcissist worst nightmare. So I imagine that that's, you know, how they cope with it. And my dad does kind of like they like hate Amari and hate the stewards, which I think is so. I mean, it's narcissism, it's textbook narcissism. But it's just like so sad. It's like I'd be dead without the stewards, you know, essentially the call we speak for a while and I was honestly asking my mom a lot of things that I wanted to know because she, she struggled with trying to get pregnant and just different things. I was asking a lot of medical things. So this is the only chance that I'm ever going to have to like, know these things about myself and my genetics and like all these things. And essentially I was like, listen, like, I hope this works out and I hope that you get better. But this is like, to me, this is my last call. And it just ended with her Begging to come see her. And I was like, I. I don't think I can do it. But, like, I don't know. The call ends, and then I end up having to go to Vegas two days later. And this was for the Adam Sandler and, like, Chelsea Handler weekend. So even though it's like, the best weekend of my life, I'm going through these thoughts and I know exactly where they are. Like, what hospital she's at. And, like, if I can go visit her, I'm literally in Las Vegas. I'm physically in Las Vegas, and I could get in an Uber and I could go down the street and I could visit my mom in the hospital, and I have plenty of food fucking time to do it. And I cannot for the life of me get myself to go. And I'm thinking about it from tarmac to tarmac. I land, I'm thinking about it the entire time. I'm debating if I want to do it. And I get on the plane home and I don't do it. And I'm sitting on the plane home and I'm like, why the fudge? Because then you also start to let, like, societal guilt creep in. And I've talked about this a lot as well. I think that there is a lot of, like, societal guilt with no contact. And it's. It's simply because other people just do not understand it. Like, when you tell someone who had a wonderful upbringing with wonderful parents that you are no contact with your parents, they are immediately, most of the time going to resort to being like, but why? Those are your parents. Like, family is blood. And, like, saying all these things where they just don't understand. You know, I always try to explain to people, no one ever wants to go no contact with their own family. You are only going to go no contact with your own family if it is your absolute last four resort. If you feel like you have tried everything under the sun and you like, it eventually gets to a point where you realize, like, this is going to kill me or I have to do this, and both suck. You know what I mean? Like, knowing that there's no solution with the people that literally birthed you or never speaking to them again for your own peace. Like, both have their awful caveats. But for me, no doubt I knew that I had to do it. So to save my mental health and save myself and break generational curses and all of the things right in death, I definitely have, or the idea of death, I've noticed myself allowing those societal things to creep in where it's like, do I go and just be there? Am I supposed to be there? And I kind of did decide for the most part that that phone call, I'm okay with it being my last. Because there is something about a phone giving you a lot of control, that if things go the wrong way or if things hurt in a certain way, that you can hang up, that I'm in my bed, in my house, and that I'm next to Makoa, who I feel safe with, and I can hang up. There is control there in that. A couple nights before Cabo, my father calls Amari again and he's like, hey, I just want to let you know he's super calm. And he's like, I just want to let you know that things are really declining. And this might be Tana's like, real last chance. Amari tells me. And I'm sitting with it and we're talking it out and obviously Amari and Isabella and he left Isabella a voicemail and we're all just kind of like, talking and, like, it's weird. Even Isabella's like, how it's so weird to like, hear your father's voice. Like, it was so such a big part of my childhood. And, like, hearing it again, we're all sitting, we're talking about it and you know, they are the best friends in the world. They're like, if you want to go right now, like, I will go with you. I will be there for you. I will protect you. I will do anything that you need to do. Because it's not just the trauma of visiting my mom. It is the trauma of visiting my alive and well father. I'm like, amari, will you call him back and ask how dire it is so that I can like, gather as much information? And within a five minute span, Amari calls my father back. And he is just cussing Amari out, out to level 1000, screaming at Amari, like, you are not my father. You can't tell me what to do. Never call me again. You, like, top of his lungs too. One thing about my father is he's like. It is like the loudest, sternest, like, scariest. Like, Amari was like, gagged me, you know what I mean, screaming at him. And my father ends up giving Amari no more information and hanging up on him. And then Amari calls him back and he's not answering and he's just declining the call calls. And I was just like, oh, my God. Like, and I know this, even when I spoke to them last on the phone, nothing has Changed a bit. I used to, like, hate that. I used to always have this idea that I wanted my mother to, like, break out and that she could have been a different person and had a different life had she gotten away because she's the lesser of two evils. But still so many issues and also still so evil. I don't know. And I spent so much of my childhood thinking, God, these two people would be so much better off without each other and wanting them to get a divorce. Like, I remember being 8 and 9 and 10 and being on my hands and knees and begging them to get a divorce. But my mom was just so depressed that she couldn't. It was like my dad had two kids in a certain way, financially at least. There's something. Amari and I keep joking, but there's something about it now where there's such a piece with it. We keep joking and calling them being like, they're so end game. Like, which is dark. But they were always going to like, die together. It almost gives me peace. Like, you two up people in your family up whirlwind. Like, at least y' all got each other. Like. And I, I, I had to go. And so I end up staying up all night after those calls, wrestling with the idea of if I want to go or not. Every time I get the call. It's now been two times. Even though Deborah is my mother and Aaj is my father, and I love them more than anything in the world, there is still something so finite about death, about knowing that the person that gave birth to you is going to die way, you know, and that you guys are no contact and that you will never be able to change anything. But I also know that I would never be able to change anything either way. It's just kind of like the different sides fighting in your brain. There's just something so finite about it that, like, when I get those calls, my heart starts racing out of my chest and I become that little kid again. I like, revert back to that, that anxiety. And like, as much as I am no contact and Deborah and a Raj are my parents, that was an issue. Is still my literal mother. It's hard, like, because there are two. Like I said, there are two sides. I can go and I can walk in that hospital room even just the idea. My mom, she was always a very small woman, like 5, 2 and like 100 pounds. She could never eat because of her anxiety and just all the different things. She really didn't eat a lot. It was a lot of saltine crackers and Ensure. And she loved Dr. Pepper. I said, you know, I see myself in her now with my Dr. Pepper addiction, or I see her and myself, but. And that's how small she was my whole life. So I can only imagine in death how small she is. And, like, she always had her. Her skin on her hands was so thin, and you could see all of her veins and they were so blue. I. And I imagine her in death, how small she is physically. And the image. Like, just the image makes me sick. Sick. I know that when she was still in my life, a lot of her teeth were falling out. And on the call, she said to me, she was like, I got dentures. And like, even just, like, imagining that. I don't know. Just like, the image is devastating. I know that my dad would be in hysterics and screaming and crying, and even on the phone, he would have, like. On that call, he would have just such random bouts of crying. Like, I remember if he asked if I knew his phone number, and I still knew it by heart, and I, like, recited it, and he started sobbing, and he was like, oh, she still knows it. She still knows it. And I was like, oh, my God, you people are a mess. Like, just. And it. But it's just. Even on the call, right after that, they're being like, you know, we both made mistakes. We all made mistakes in reference to them suing me. And I'm like, yes, but I was a child and I needed you. And you will never, ever forever be able to recognize that and actually take accountability for your wrongs. Otherwise, we would not be here. And I know that if I were to re. Enter that hospital room, not only would the visual just be so traumatizing, but all of the things that my alive and well father would have to say, I think he would try to guilt me in an extreme way into walking back into that turbulent environment or taking care of them. Like, Lord knows if I walk into that room, I'm walking out in the bills on me. Okay, Suing wasn't enough. I know the bill's on me. There's just something about seeing her physically, and I know her, and I know it's hysterics, and I. It's. I'm scared to die. And it's. I wish things were another way. And, like, I. And I love you, and all these things that hold not a lot of meaning, and all these things where I'm just like, you don't know me and I don't know you, and I've made peace with this. And I have forgiven you, but like, you might need a daughter in death, but I needed a mother in life. Life. And I don't. It's not resentment, really. It's just, it's. It's fact for me, I guess, where it's like, that's. That's what happened and that's like, how it all played out, I guess. I deal with things every single day because of all of the things that you people did or didn't do to. Or for me my whole life. I also know that if I walked in that room, I'm not walking in as a child who is saying goodbye to a mother. I'm walking in as a parent who is going to be calming her down in death. I'm giving every part of my emotional battery and my soul, and I'm putting all of my trauma aside to give, quite frankly, what I don't have to someone else who couldn't give anything to me for them. For them. And it's so interesting that I'm even weighing it out. Out that like, some of those things are so formative that the immediate snapping back into, like, that parenting them. And it'd be telling my dad to shut up and to stop cussing out a nurse and to like, you know, placating all of the guilt. Like, oh, I know, I know. I'm. It's. This is great that we're all together and everybody makes mistakes because there's no fighting with it either. That's. That was the main reason for going. No contact. It's like they would say something to me like, you know, everybody makes mistakes. And then I would say something, well, like, I was a child. And then it's like, well, you. You were a bad child. And it's like, you. I was a bad child because of you. There's no reasoning with, you know, so it's just about placating it. And I think I would leave that room with another 10 years of trauma to unpack when I just got. Finally got to a place where I worked through the majority of it. And I obviously know that I'm still going to get the call and it's still going to traumatize me. But there is something to be said about dealing with it from a place that you feel safe and with my family, Isabella, Sophia, Victoria, Ashley and Amari, Anthony, like, you know, and Deborah and Iraj and Mia and Amir and the people who have shown me family because they might be my blood, but they never did, even for a second. Yeah, it is. It is very devastating. To me that she is gonna leave this earth. Even on the phone, she just kept saying, like that original call, like, you know, Hawaii looks so beautiful and you and Makoa are so happy, and I'm so happy for you and all of these things. And it, it was. It just breaks my heart once again in the, in the role of me parenting her that like you, you'll know you never got it. You never got any of it. But there's also a part of me that carries the. The small, very, very small, good parts of them in my soul. When I look out, even right now, I'm literally staring at this beautiful, beautiful ocean in Cabo. And I know they would think it's gorgeous. And I crack my Dr. Pepper every day. And I. I'm addicted to nicotine. And I laugh that some of the things as a kid, the addictions that she was. All of her addictions and their addictions, they were using to cope. You know, I'm not that. I'm not that far from the tree. And my dad loved Bob Dylan. And I'll play a Bob Dylan song. My dad taught me how to play Texas Hold' em and I'll go kill it and poke it. My mom loved clothes and shopping, and she never had money, so she was always window shopping and dreaming. She spent so much of her life dreaming for all the things she never got. And I'm so fortunate that I get to get them. So when I see a cute top or a cute person to store it, I get to buy it. I think of her like, how much she, like, would think it was super cute for a minute. You know, it's. It's just heavy. It's a lot. It's a lot to. You know, like I said that death is so finite and that we never got it. Me and them in this lifetime. I do. I forgive them with everything in me. And I don't resent them. I really don't. I think that they were products of horrible mental health and a horrible generation, and they were raised by narcissists or, you know, people. My dad, people weren't present always. And the war you up in a way I can't even imagine. You know, I only just saw the effects of how much it him up and stuff. Like, I completely understand. You know, I had to use reason to cope for so long. That's why I am the way I am in the sense that whenever anyone hurts me, the first thing I do is psychoanalyze the out of them. Because that's what I did in my formative years to try to understand why I was getting treated in this way that I did not deserve and why life was so hard for me as a child, you know, and why I was having to parent these absolute morons, you know? But, yeah, it never won't be sad that, like, we didn't get it in this lifetime. And I always talk about that, you know, seeing the kids with, or people with amazing relationships with their parents. But I have the absolute second best thing, if not first best thing. And I'm so grateful for the stewards and, and all of the healing, you know, Deborah Aniraj woke up one day and they saw a kid in their house that was causing a fucking ruckus. And instead of sending her away, they decided to put antiseptic on wounds they didn't even make. They decided to put Band Aids on the cuts that they didn't even in sight, you know, and continue to do that for over a decade and to just show me nothing but unconditional love and to never ask for a single thing. Matter of fact, to just want to give and give and give and pour into my cup in a way that I never had before. And so much of their love is so patient with all of the mistakes and the alcoholism and crazy phases of my life, they've been nothing but patiently loving and supporting. You know, every time I see a Raj, that's all he ever does is just drill into me how proud of a dad he is of me, and I'm not even that man's biological child. But they don't. They don't make me feel like I'm not for two seconds, you know, And I, I, I don't know where I would be without them. I really, like, I have absolutely no idea. And I think the Stewards are a damn good family. You know, they're everything I could have ever wanted, and I love them so much. But God, God, it doesn't mean that this isn't a hard thing to deal with. It just comes in waves, I guess. I'm sitting here and I'm like, I'm having a bad mental health day. And I don't know why. It's like, well, got some heavy up in your head, you know, that just stays there, right? Like, we can do everything in our power to work through things and talk through things and heal as much as we can. But I always say that, like, the, the void that my parents left me with will always be the there. And for so long, I was trying to fill it with alcohol, with a partner or another relationship with turbulent lifestyle choices with attention, whether that was online or in real life. And eventually I had to learn, like, the void is so big that nothing will ever fill it. You just have to accept that it's there and make sure that you, you know, teeter a line when walking towards it and that it's a shadow in the corner of every room that I'll be in for the rest of my life. But so long as I know the shadow is there, and so long as I. I make friends with it, and so long as I acknowledge that it, I will be okay. And there are times that are just harder than others. And I think that death is very finite. So I guess that's kind of what's been on my mind. You know, it's really not even just that. I think I just had a bad coffee. Today's episode is sponsored by Better Help. I feel like summer is one of those seasons where a lot of people have expectations for you to be having the time of your life. People are traveling and making plans and saying yes to everything, trying to make every moment count. And while, while the summertime can be really fun, it can also get overwhelming really fast. I've learned that taking time for yourself is just as important as all of the chaos. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is slow down, check in with yourself, and figure out what you actually need. That's one reason why therapy can be so valuable. Therapy can help you better understand your needs, feel more confident setting boundaries, and create a version of summer that actually feels good for you. With over 30,000 licensed therapists, Better BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. They match you with a therapist based on your needs and preferences through a short questionnaire. And if you ever want to switch therapists, you can at any time. You don't have to. Say yes to everything. This summer, find support in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Tana that's betterhelp.com Tana thank you Better Help for sponsoring today's episode. So, yeah, should I pour up a spicy margarita or what? Kidding. I'm actually very. I'm so happy I don't drink. Like, even just with everything that I just said in this episode, imagining if I was using alcohol to cope through that and the way it would be spewing out of me and I'd be like, drunk, crying and like, just a mess, an utter mess, and up the good things in my life. It's funny because, like on these trips, people Ask me so much. They're like, how everyone's drinking and like, like, how do you feel? Like, how do you. And I get it because it's like, it's interesting and it's like people are curious, obviously. But I can recognize. I was saying this to Kyle earlier, but, like, two things can be true, you know, Like, I might want that drink, but I know what it would lead to. So therefore I don't have it. I can recognize that an ice cold beer would be great, but I can recognize that an ice cold beer would lead to 50 and then a bag and then I would ruin my whole life. I just have so many great things to be so grateful for. Like Mokoa even just being the best, most patient, loving, incredible partner in the world. And I'm like, so happy that I'm not that version of drunk Tana, like, ruining his birthday trip. We just are getting to have like a lot of fun and have a great trip. And obviously, yes, like, there are the moments where you like, want to take the edge off for a second and stuff. But acknowledging it is always the thing that I tell everyone. Like, Trevi and I are both really good at that. And I think it's so important. Like, we can kind of look at each other and be like, holy. Everyone's having an absolutely gorgeous, like hot pink, spicy blended margarita right now with the tahin and chamoy rim. And that looks absolutely stunning. But we also know that that would lead to liter. Our death, our demise. You know, Like, I think it's important to just acknowledge it and to focus on the good. Like, this sounds so stupid, but I used to go on these trips, especially to Cabo. We would all be here and it'd be the same exact thing that I'm doing right now. Like, we're all in a big house and everyone's drinking, whatever. I would party all night and then I would sleep all day. I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever get the UV and get to tan. I would like just be in. I'd pack a whole suitcase of like cute dresses and cute jewelry and like cute outfits and like cute little hair clips and like all these things that I like, I wanted to wear and do and take photos in and make content. And then I would be in like a big T shirt with like Willy Wonka's hair for like the entire trip and get none of it done. Like, it's. I definitely can value all of the, like, little things that I get now, like through sobriety, even this, even like sitting down, getting stuff done. Like being able to like work and do things while also actually enjoying the fruits of my labor that I worked so hard for versus just being absolutely obliterated. One thing that I am realizing that I need to work on is just like my absolute disdain for shit face people. Well, it's not all face people though. I, I came to this like revelation on this trip that I like found so interesting. It's actually because of Paige and Makoa are the type of drunk people where they take, they can take as many shots as possible. Let's say they take seven shots and then two other people take seven shots. Shots. Paige and Mokoa are still going to be able to have a perfectly coherent conversation where I'm saying words to them and they are responding accordingly to the words. You know, I'm asking like, when would you like to go home? And they're saying, oh like 10pm I'm asking like, what should we order? And they're saying, I don't know, like maybe the chicken or the steak. Whereas I was the type of drunk person where if I took seven shots and someone said would you like the chicken or the steak? I would say I was a chicken once. I used to know this chicken and he was my best friend. Like I, I lost the ability to have a completely coherent conversation. And I noticed that in some other people, right? Like there are a lot of people on the strip and I'm like, oh, like your six shots hit similarly to the way my six shots used to hit. And it's so interesting because two people can be the exact same build. Like Makoa can be the exact same build as one of his boys or like, you know what I mean? It's not like a physical thing, it's like a mental thing. Like some people get drunk and the only thing that happens is like their reaction time is a little bit slower or like they're giggly and just like having a little more fun and like looser and like they want to dance and stuff. They're not turbulently ruining their life. And I know for a fact I wouldn't be a sober person if I could have taken seven shots and just shut the up. It was what came out of my mouth and what I did and the like absolute inability to stop until I was about to croak. It's so interesting to me. It has to be genetic, right? Someone who's the exact same build as me and I could both have four drinks and the way they're going to act on the four drinks versus the way I'm going to act on the four drinks is completely different. You know, some people are angry drunk, some people are crying drunk, some people are happy drunk, some people are whatever drunks. And I can't believe there are people who just have their together drunks. Like, why am I just factually the worst drunk person ever? And it is so interesting because it's like I always talk about this, but like, alcoholism is accepting that you'll never have an answer. At least for me to the why, you know, why am I not like everybody else? Why can't I just have like three drinks and cut myself off? Why am I this type of drunk person? I don't. I don't know. And you can't find out in trial and error. You can't be running a research lab study all the time. Like, the answer is just stop because you can't. The good of being sober on these trips just so outweighs the like, quote unquote good of drinking on these trips for me. Like, just creating memories that I will remember being productive, doing all the things that drunk Tanner wanted to do but couldn't execute due to her absolutely debilitative state. Just not being toxic. Just not being a torture toxic friend or a toxic partner or a toxic anything because nothing is making me want to be that way. And I am dealing with my problems as healthily as I know how, which is podcasting about them. No. But also is acknowledging them and doing my best to work through them. And I swear to God, I cannot thank you guys enough because I do find this to be the one of the most cathartic things in the world to me. I'm so grateful that I have all of you who are here to listen and here to be there for me. I can't even express to you how much lighter I feel. And it's so funny because I really had no intention of this podcast today being about what I'm going through with the looming death of my birth mother. I really thought that I was just going to sit down and kind of be talking about how I'm having a bad mental health day and the things that I do to work through it. And I really was accrediting my bad mental health day all day day to my bad cup of coffee and it kind of making my OCD flare up and kind of making my anxiety flare up. And now I'm very much the person that accepts when I'm having a bad day and I do as much as I can to alleviate it and take care of myself and parent myself that I'll get them tomorrow. And then for some reason, here I, Tana Mongeau am. It wasn't until I sat down and started to feel so comfortable knowing that I'm talking to all of you, you that that like, came up in my mind and that it is just like, maybe why I'm feeling the way I am feeling these past couple days. I mean, the dysmorphia, there's there and there's lots of other things, but obviously there is a catalyst of trauma that I'm also like, dealing with in life right now. But I just didn't plan on talking about any of that today. And it wasn't until I was comfortable sitting here and, you know, talking to all of you that it like, naturally came out, which I like, find very interesting. But I appreciate you guys so, so, so much, much. And it's the way that I genuinely do feel lighter, like talking about all of it. I am still just absolutely so excited to get this book out. Like, I think after this, I want to work on my book. I'm definitely like, folding the day to just using the way that I'm feeling for my art. And even I'm thinking about all the things that I said about my parents in this episode and there's so many other things that I wish that you knew. You know what I mean, that I like, you only know what I'm telling you. Like when I'm talking to like Amari or I'm talking like Ashley, like they. Or as well they like deeply understand because they knew them. They're still so many gaps that are missing in the story that I'm so excited to across this podcast and then eventually in this book just continue to delve deeper into because that is one thing that I will always want to be is like the voice for the girlies or the just the people who were dealt cards similar to mine or grew up in a up home and were able to make it out of it. But it's funny because obviously so many people think that like, money and success, like, like fix everything. It does to an extent. I, I will never ever, ever, ever, ever sit and lie and say. Especially because I grew up in a household where money was the. The antagonist. A lot of times money was the catalyst of so much chaos. And I know what it's like to have zero, to have negative dollars and the amount of added stress that that causes and helplessness and fear that that causes and the scrambling and the be not knowing where the next meal is going to come from. Or like, you know what I mean, just not knowing anything or like not feeling perfectly at home and where you're living because you know it could be taken away from you tomorrow because like you don't have the money for it. Like just things like that. I, I acknowledge 100 that money alleviates all of those things. But at the same time, nothing, and I mean nothing, fully heals the void of not being born into a good foundation. Not being born into a house with love. Love. You know, I'm sitting Here in a 6,000sq ft Cabo San Lucas mansion where everyone is downstairs swimming and vibing and partying and having the time of their life. And like I'm gonna have that backpack on that's heavy as that I'm carrying around no matter what forever. And I don't know, I'm, I'm just very proud of myself. I'm, I'm very proud of that girl I had earlier. I was talking about like random memories that, that have been flashing to me across this time of what's going on with my mother. And it's so interesting because I always say to you guys, I don't really remember so many parts of my childhood. And that was one of the things that was so off putting for me, like, like in writing a book for so long because I was like, how the am I supposed to write a book about my life if I don't even remember it? I think that that was always my trauma response was blocking things out. And then I started abusing substances. So that also deleted a major terabytes of chunks of things in my mind. And I just convinced myself that I absolutely remember like nothing. But then it's like as you start to work through things or experience new things, all of these like new puzzle pieces come in. I have this memory flash to me of I was like 10 or 11 years old. There was just a night in my house where my dad was throwing things and screaming at my mom at the top of his lungs and just like calling her a worthless over and over again and being like so awful, you know, and she was just like screaming and crying. But obviously it was always this rat race where I was like, you're screaming and crying, but like you refuse to get a job, you refuse to leave him, you refuse to do all these things. There's so many excuses, whatever. And I went upstairs to my room as a 10 year old and I got on my hands and my knees and I prayed to God, please don't let my mom die like this. And Like, I. I remember it so vividly. I was in my bathroom, and I. I had one of those I homes with that you could, like, play music on. And there was, like, a Rihanna song playing on the Ihome. And I unplugged the Ihome because I was like, I need God to hear me loud and clear without this Rihanna playing. And I got on my hands on my knees and I literally said, please don't let my mom die like this. And now she is. And I didn't remember that for so long. It's so interesting that this thing that I have been working through my entire life, I'm now in this place. Place it's still like a limbo, but where it's, like, coming to this weird, very dark, finite end. It's not helping that I'm watching so much Grey's Anatomy too, just thinking about mortality in life and the fragility of mortality in life. But whatever, I digress. And all I can do is just talk about it and hope to help someone else out there and hope that I continue to unearth as many memories as possible to put together my story. And, you know, the fact that I also, like, I'm so grateful for. For this podcast and where I'm at in life because I have reclaimed telling my story in so many ways. I think for so long of my career, so many people wanted to tell my story for me. So many people had their mind made up of who Tana Mongeau was and the narrative of what her life was. There was a point in my career where factually. And I'm thinking of, like, two or three people right now, their faces are in my head. I know for a fact that those people would have loved for me to die, die, so that they could have told my life story for me and so that they could have owned the rights to it and reap the residual checks for the rest of their life. And I'm so happy that I made it out of the trenches, you know, with the people that are working for me, that I'm not owned by anyone, that I'm not in, that I didn't get sucked into the Hollywood void. And I'm able to sit here on my own terms in a bed in Cabo with a microphone, and I am able to reclaim my story and tell it my way and at this time in my life, life and help people, you know, and that's. I guess what I just said is like a whole episode within itself, the Hollywood void. And the amount of people who wanted to tell My story for me and all of those things. But it's very cool to me that it's not that it is me with this microphone speaking to all of you just like I was 11 years ago, 12 years ago, however many years ago. I've been doing this for so goddamn long. We are so brand safe. This, this is pretty brand safe. You know, I don't think like Bloom Nutrition would want to sponsor like oh, I think my parents are going to die and I'm having, well, maybe actually, I don't know, better help. This is a pretty brand safe episode and I will say that these are my favorite episodes to film and I'm sure that things will change and there will be different eras of life where I'll have different favorites and stuff. But the idea of this podcast kind of all came about and when I would, you know, did my 27 Things video and when I did my sobriety video and I was like, I just really want to do a lot more of that, like long form, deep versus surface level. Hehe haha, pee pee poo poo. And then I've let the pendulum swing back and now I think that I, I true to who I am, I'm a mix of the two and that's what this podcast is. But these episodes make me feel like everything is worth something and I thank you for that because it wouldn't feel that way if it wasn't for you. So I love you. And if you're going through it right now in any capacity, just know that it comes in waves. Do your best to help yourself, even if it is something as small as drinking your favorite water or lighting a candle that you love, or putting that moisture on your face, or talking to a friend or listening and researching up on the things that you're going through because you are so not alone. I can't even explain to you enough. Even the other night, like with that stuff with my mom, I was on Reddit for hours and hours and hours and hours reading our, our backslash, no contact and other people's stories of their parents that they were no contact with died and they were writing in these forums and I was like, it's. There is always a community of people for whatever the niche thing is that you're going through and you are not alone. It is so easy to tell yourself that you were just so misunderstood and absolutely no one gets what you're going through. And I would do that so much in times of my life where I was going through it. And it's just not the truth. There are people out there, and sometimes it does take you reaching out and searching for them and all of those things and helping yourself in that way. And it can feel so hard and, you know, like, just debilitating to actually help yourself when you are in a bad place. But it's about baby steps and doing what you can, acknowledging it, whatever you're going through, and doing your best to make friends with it. That's what I'm trying to do today. So I love you guys so much and thank you for sitting with me in bed on my bad mental health day. And I can't wait to have a million more episodes. I can't wait to just get in bed with you more, girl. I love you guys so much. We are so brand safe. And I'll talk to you soon. Bye.