FULL SHOW: Jeff’s Useless Resolutions Song, Bathroom 911 Date & The Craziest New Tech (1/9/26) - Brooke and Jeffrey: Second Date Update

Transcript

A (0:00)

I don't. I don't think I've ever listened on my.

B (0:02)

Like, he's not enjoyable for me to listen to.

C (0:03)

All right, you guys, the podcast is starting. I know that. We're discussing the new Bruno Mars song. Yeah, we need to get to the full show.

D (0:11)

You guys want to hear it? I can play. Oh, wait, maybe legally I can't play it.

C (0:14)

I don't know. All right, listen, we got a full hour for you. That's brand new. Jeff's got a great new parody song, really dedicated to the quitters of the world. So if that's you, you're gonna love this.

D (0:26)

Yeah, don't quit on the song.

C (0:28)

New second date. The craziest tech that's out there. A lot of fun on the first comments. What do you see? Okay, yeah.

B (0:34)

The other day, we were talking about Nicolas Cage for a shot caller, and Neil McKim commented, There's a bar where I'm from Cork, Ireland, that has a bar full of Nicolas Cage posters and memorabilia, and the owner's a huge fan, and it's recommended not to say anything bad about Nick in his presence.

E (0:50)

No way.

D (0:52)

I bet he'll kick you out.

C (0:53)

Dude, that's kind of cool.

D (0:55)

I wonder if Nicholas has ever gone.

E (0:57)

I don't know.

C (0:57)

How is that? That's probably, like, the tourist destination of the park.

B (1:00)

Neil, you need to go to the bar and send us photos of this.

D (1:04)

I wonder if they have little declaration of independence like menus.

C (1:08)

You can always tag us on socials with any sort of pictures. Not any sort. I guess I shouldn't put that invitation out there.

D (1:15)

No, wait a minute.

C (1:15)

But, BrookeandJeffrey, thanks for being here. Don't get banned, guys. Yeah, before I say too much, we're gonna get this whole show started right now.

Summary

Brooke and Jeffrey: Second Date Update

Episode: Jeff’s Useless Resolutions Song, Bathroom 911 Date & The Craziest New Tech (1/9/26)

Date: January 11, 2026
Podcast Host: iHeartPodcasts

Episode Overview

This lively and hilarious episode of "Brooke and Jeffrey" features a mix of jaw-dropping real-life dating disasters, absurd new tech from CES, and a satirical musical tribute to (failing at) New Year’s resolutions. Anchored by the show’s signature rapid-fire, playful banter, the hosts dive deep into embarrassing dating stories, new consumer gadgets, and tongue-in-cheek life advice.

Segment Breakdown & Key Insights

1. Kicking Off 2026: Food Temptations & Useless Resolutions (01:25)

The show opens with jokes about how most New Year's resolutions are health-related, then gleefully undermines them:
- Applebee’s is selling the "O.M. Cheeseburger"—a monstrous bacon cheese sandwich literally floating in molten cheese.
- Brooke teases: “I think more cheese should be the resolution, Jeff.” (03:30)
Instagram commenters report struggles even eating the burger (“...the burger stuck to the skillet. So the waitress had to bring me a spatula…”) (03:00)
Jeff preps his “useless resolutions” parody song, promising a “motivational” anthem for quitters.

2. Shotcaller Quiz: “Crowned Jewels or Clowned Fools” (03:43-09:30)

Digital Jake hosts a royal trivia game, challenging the crew to distinguish between real and made-up international nobility.
Key moments:
- Alexandria guesses Thai King Vajiralongkorn is fake—he’s real (05:40).
- Jose correctly identifies “Prince Leopold von Driftwood” as a fake (07:47).
- Playful banter on royal names, imaginary titles, and who is “working too hard to be a royal.”
- Brooke and Alexis lose and must sing a joint, off-key “We Are the Champions” while being shocked (09:16).
- Notable quote:
  Brooke, on the “Crowned Jewels or Clowned Fools” game:
  “If you have to work, why be a royal?” (06:41)

3. Sneak Peek: Next Week's “Scam The Scammer” Phone Tag (09:49)

The crew announces a themed phone tap week targeting spammers, including a teaser: “One scammer completely loses it on us… says we’re wasting his time.” (10:44)

4. “Laser Stories” – Weird & Wild News Roundup (11:30-19:30)

Best Of:

Chinese Grandpa Saved by Clothesline:
- 81-year-old survives 15-story fall, lands on a laundry rack; his phone was unsalvaged (12:47).
- “You wanted him to grab it [the phone] while going down?” —Brooke (12:25)
'Pizza & Ranch' Candles, RIP:
- Bath & Body Works’ novelty candle discontinued after triggering customer gags (14:21).
- “Do you really want your home to smell like hot cheese?” —Jeff (15:01)
Trader Joe’s Mini-Tote Hysteria:
- The $10 bags resell for up to $50,000 overseas.
  “Now it’s almost too basic to have one… people in Europe are getting embarrassed.” —Brooke (17:06)
Hong Kong’s Anti-Smoking Bathroom Stalls:
- Bathroom windows go clear when someone smokes, publicly shaming users (18:21).
- “Do you ever feel like we don’t have enough public shame in this country?” —Brooke (19:00)

5. CES 2026 Special: Wildest New Tech (20:11-27:22)

Jeff’s favorites from this year’s Consumer Electronics Show:

AI Picture Frames:
- "Talk" with animated family photos like in Harry Potter (21:35)
- “I don’t need to be arguing with the picture frames in my house.” —Brooke (21:50)
Color-Changing Bluetooth Nails:
- Press-ons sync to your phone; 300 shades (22:22)
- “If you’re lonely, you got ten fingers!” —Alexis (23:10)
Toilet That Calls for Help:
- Monitors seniors, alerts family if unused or out of toilet paper (23:49)
LEGO Smart Bricks:
- Interactive blocks that light up/make sounds as you build (24:24)
- “Isn’t the whole point as a kid to make the noises yourself?” —Brooke (24:51)
AI-powered Gadgets:
- Makeup mirrors, hair clippers with style settings, and a spider-legged robot vacuum that can climb stairs (25:54)
“Lollipop Star” Candy Suckers:
- Play music through your bones—music only you can hear (26:51)
- “Future looks sticky and I love it.” —Jeff (27:16)

6. Phone Tap: New Job, Bizarre Requests, and “Grundlebuck” (28:23)

Jeff pranks a new hire (John):
- Asks him to write threatening letters to his kids as “Grundlebuck,” the American Krampus (30:14)
- Plans to "scare them at their windows at night."
- John is deeply confused, but polite.
- Notable quote:
  "I work in marketing... this wasn’t part of the job that I applied for." —John (31:19)
- Reveal: “You're on the radio—your wife set you up!” (32:25)

7. Second Date Update: “Bathroom 911 Date” (33:54-49:10)

Set Up

Nick and Crystal go out for Zoo Lights; Nick has a bathroom emergency—only one restroom exists, it’s raining, he can’t make it in time.
- Crystal helps track down a (staff-only) bathroom, but winds up inside, forced to overhear everything.
- On the way home, Nick makes another urgent stop (“Don’t follow me in this time!”).
Notable quotes:
- “That’s something you have to be married ten years to do together!” —Jose (38:02)
- “She said, ‘I covered my ears’ ... That’s how bad it was.” —Brooke (44:16)

The Call

Crystal says: “I know it’s not his fault. But I can’t get that out of my mind.” (45:05)
Nick chimes in, self-deprecating: “Hey, what’s up? It’s Bathroom Boy.” (45:38)
The show encourages Crystal to focus on Nick’s vulnerability (“it shows he’s willing to share embarrassing stuff” —Brooke, 47:05).
Crystal rejects a second date: “Even if you paid me money to go, I would still say no.” (48:51)
Hosts joke about the need for a "global restroom app" to save future dates (49:33).

8. Jeff’s Original Song: “Useless Resolutions” (Song starts 54:24)

Parodying Charlie Puth’s “Attention,” the song satirizes failed resolutions (“Useless resolutions fail before they start / Baby, ain’t no shame in giving up after day two!”)
Encouragement to embrace quitting:
- “Nobody actually believed that you could do it…”
- “Give up now and be happy forever.” (58:14)
The show invites listeners to text the goals they’re ditching (58:15)

9. “Win Brooks Bucks” Trivia Game with Listener Katie (58:59-end)

Lighthearted banter about new year’s goals, nude beaches, and toe rings.
Katie wins $100 and Ed Sheeran tickets.

Notable Quotes & Moments

On failed resolutions:
“I’m the only one who’s gonna tell you: it’s okay to stop. Quitting is allowed.” —Jeff (53:30)
On CES gadget mania:
“Can you be supportive of one piece of technology that’s going to be coming out soon? Just one?” —Jeff (26:25)
On second date disasters:
“If you have to say ‘I covered my ears…’ that’s how bad it was." —Brooke (44:16)
On the perils of new relationships:
“Some sounds you just can’t recover from.” —Brooke (44:42)

Timestamps for Key Segments

01:25 – Resolutions chat and Applebee’s cheese freakout
03:43 – Royal titles “Crowned Jewels or Clowned Fools” game
09:49 – Scam the Scammer theme week preview
11:30 – “Laser Stories” weird news rapidfire
20:11 – New tech from CES
28:23 – Phone Tap: “Grundlebuck” prank
33:54 – Second Date Update: “Bathroom 911 Date”
54:24 – Jeff’s “Useless Resolutions” parody song
58:59 – “Win Brooks Bucks” trivia game

Tone & Style

Upbeat, teasing, and irreverent
Hosts often interrupt each other, riff creatively, and escalate jokes
Willingness to poke fun at themselves and their listeners
Approachable, audience-inclusive — they invite listeners to text and share stories

Summary for New Listeners

This episode’s contagious energy comes from blending laugh-out-loud personal disasters (bathroom misadventures), playful games with royal titles and tech gadgets, and a satirical take on New Year’s resolutions. The heart of the show is in the Second Date Update—equal parts cringe and compassion—as Nick faces rejection after his mortifying date night. Add in CES gadget weirdness (robot vacuums with legs, suckers that play music via your jawbone), and Jeff’s original spoof song about quitting, and this episode is a smorgasbord of self-deprecating humor and current culture.

If you’ve ever made a promise you couldn’t keep, embarrassed yourself on a date, or wondered why people are buying $50,000 Trader Joe's bags, this episode will make you feel joyfully, normally, human.