FULL SHOW: Jeff’s Useless Resolutions Song, Bathroom 911 Date & The Craziest New Tech (1/9/26)

Summary

---

Brooke and Jeffrey: Second Date Update

Episode: Jeff’s Useless Resolutions Song, Bathroom 911 Date & The Craziest New Tech (1/9/26)

Date: January 11, 2026
Podcast Host: iHeartPodcasts

---

Episode Overview

This lively and hilarious episode of "Brooke and Jeffrey" features a mix of jaw-dropping real-life dating disasters, absurd new tech from CES, and a satirical musical tribute to (failing at) New Year’s resolutions. Anchored by the show’s signature rapid-fire, playful banter, the hosts dive deep into embarrassing dating stories, new consumer gadgets, and tongue-in-cheek life advice.

---

Segment Breakdown & Key Insights

1. Kicking Off 2026: Food Temptations & Useless Resolutions (01:25)

• The show opens with jokes about how most New Year's resolutions are health-related, then gleefully undermines them:
  • Applebee’s is selling the "O.M. Cheeseburger"—a monstrous bacon cheese sandwich literally floating in molten cheese.
  • Brooke teases: “I think more cheese should be the resolution, Jeff.” (03:30)
• Instagram commenters report struggles even eating the burger (“...the burger stuck to the skillet. So the waitress had to bring me a spatula…”) (03:00)
• Jeff preps his “useless resolutions” parody song, promising a “motivational” anthem for quitters.

2. Shotcaller Quiz: “Crowned Jewels or Clowned Fools” (03:43-09:30)

• Digital Jake hosts a royal trivia game, challenging the crew to distinguish between real and made-up international nobility.
• Key moments:
  • Alexandria guesses Thai King Vajiralongkorn is fake—he’s real (05:40).
  • Jose correctly identifies “Prince Leopold von Driftwood” as a fake (07:47).
  • Playful banter on royal names, imaginary titles, and who is “working too hard to be a royal.”
  • Brooke and Alexis lose and must sing a joint, off-key “We Are the Champions” while being shocked (09:16).
  • Notable quote:
    Brooke, on the “Crowned Jewels or Clowned Fools” game:
    “If you have to work, why be a royal?” (06:41)

3. Sneak Peek: Next Week's “Scam The Scammer” Phone Tag (09:49)

• The crew announces a themed phone tap week targeting spammers, including a teaser: “One scammer completely loses it on us… says we’re wasting his time.” (10:44)

4. “Laser Stories” – Weird & Wild News Roundup (11:30-19:30)

Best Of:

• Chinese Grandpa Saved by Clothesline:
  • 81-year-old survives 15-story fall, lands on a laundry rack; his phone was unsalvaged (12:47).
  • “You wanted him to grab it [the phone] while going down?” —Brooke (12:25)
• 'Pizza & Ranch' Candles, RIP:
  • Bath & Body Works’ novelty candle discontinued after triggering customer gags (14:21).
  • “Do you really want your home to smell like hot cheese?” —Jeff (15:01)
• Trader Joe’s Mini-Tote Hysteria:
  • The $10 bags resell for up to $50,000 overseas.
    “Now it’s almost too basic to have one… people in Europe are getting embarrassed.” —Brooke (17:06)
• Hong Kong’s Anti-Smoking Bathroom Stalls:
  • Bathroom windows go clear when someone smokes, publicly shaming users (18:21).
  • “Do you ever feel like we don’t have enough public shame in this country?” —Brooke (19:00)

5. CES 2026 Special: Wildest New Tech (20:11-27:22)

Jeff’s favorites from this year’s Consumer Electronics Show:

• AI Picture Frames:
  • "Talk" with animated family photos like in Harry Potter (21:35)
  • “I don’t need to be arguing with the picture frames in my house.” —Brooke (21:50)
• Color-Changing Bluetooth Nails:
  • Press-ons sync to your phone; 300 shades (22:22)
  • “If you’re lonely, you got ten fingers!” —Alexis (23:10)
• Toilet That Calls for Help:
  • Monitors seniors, alerts family if unused or out of toilet paper (23:49)
• LEGO Smart Bricks:
  • Interactive blocks that light up/make sounds as you build (24:24)
  • “Isn’t the whole point as a kid to make the noises yourself?” —Brooke (24:51)
• AI-powered Gadgets:
  • Makeup mirrors, hair clippers with style settings, and a spider-legged robot vacuum that can climb stairs (25:54)
• “Lollipop Star” Candy Suckers:
  • Play music through your bones—music only you can hear (26:51)
  • “Future looks sticky and I love it.” —Jeff (27:16)

6. Phone Tap: New Job, Bizarre Requests, and “Grundlebuck” (28:23)

• Jeff pranks a new hire (John):
  • Asks him to write threatening letters to his kids as “Grundlebuck,” the American Krampus (30:14)
  • Plans to "scare them at their windows at night."
  • John is deeply confused, but polite.
  • Notable quote:
    "I work in marketing... this wasn’t part of the job that I applied for." —John (31:19)
  • Reveal: “You're on the radio—your wife set you up!” (32:25)

7. Second Date Update: “Bathroom 911 Date” (33:54-49:10)

Set Up

• Nick and Crystal go out for Zoo Lights; Nick has a bathroom emergency—only one restroom exists, it’s raining, he can’t make it in time.
  • Crystal helps track down a (staff-only) bathroom, but winds up inside, forced to overhear everything.
  • On the way home, Nick makes another urgent stop (“Don’t follow me in this time!”).
• Notable quotes:
  • “That’s something you have to be married ten years to do together!” —Jose (38:02)
  • “She said, ‘I covered my ears’ ... That’s how bad it was.” —Brooke (44:16)

The Call

• Crystal says: “I know it’s not his fault. But I can’t get that out of my mind.” (45:05)
• Nick chimes in, self-deprecating: “Hey, what’s up? It’s Bathroom Boy.” (45:38)
• The show encourages Crystal to focus on Nick’s vulnerability (“it shows he’s willing to share embarrassing stuff” —Brooke, 47:05).
• Crystal rejects a second date: “Even if you paid me money to go, I would still say no.” (48:51)
• Hosts joke about the need for a "global restroom app" to save future dates (49:33).

8. Jeff’s Original Song: “Useless Resolutions” (Song starts 54:24)

• Parodying Charlie Puth’s “Attention,” the song satirizes failed resolutions (“Useless resolutions fail before they start / Baby, ain’t no shame in giving up after day two!”)
• Encouragement to embrace quitting:
  • “Nobody actually believed that you could do it…”
  • “Give up now and be happy forever.” (58:14)
• The show invites listeners to text the goals they’re ditching (58:15)

9. “Win Brooks Bucks” Trivia Game with Listener Katie (58:59-end)

• Lighthearted banter about new year’s goals, nude beaches, and toe rings.
• Katie wins $100 and Ed Sheeran tickets.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On failed resolutions:
  “I’m the only one who’s gonna tell you: it’s okay to stop. Quitting is allowed.” —Jeff (53:30)
• On CES gadget mania:
  “Can you be supportive of one piece of technology that’s going to be coming out soon? Just one?” —Jeff (26:25)
• On second date disasters:
  “If you have to say ‘I covered my ears…’ that’s how bad it was." —Brooke (44:16)
• On the perils of new relationships:
  “Some sounds you just can’t recover from.” —Brooke (44:42)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:25 – Resolutions chat and Applebee’s cheese freakout
• 03:43 – Royal titles “Crowned Jewels or Clowned Fools” game
• 09:49 – Scam the Scammer theme week preview
• 11:30 – “Laser Stories” weird news rapidfire
• 20:11 – New tech from CES
• 28:23 – Phone Tap: “Grundlebuck” prank
• 33:54 – Second Date Update: “Bathroom 911 Date”
• 54:24 – Jeff’s “Useless Resolutions” parody song
• 58:59 – “Win Brooks Bucks” trivia game

---

Tone & Style

• Upbeat, teasing, and irreverent
• Hosts often interrupt each other, riff creatively, and escalate jokes
• Willingness to poke fun at themselves and their listeners
• Approachable, audience-inclusive — they invite listeners to text and share stories

---

Summary for New Listeners

This episode’s contagious energy comes from blending laugh-out-loud personal disasters (bathroom misadventures), playful games with royal titles and tech gadgets, and a satirical take on New Year’s resolutions. The heart of the show is in the Second Date Update—equal parts cringe and compassion—as Nick faces rejection after his mortifying date night. Add in CES gadget weirdness (robot vacuums with legs, suckers that play music via your jawbone), and Jeff’s original spoof song about quitting, and this episode is a smorgasbord of self-deprecating humor and current culture.

If you’ve ever made a promise you couldn’t keep, embarrassed yourself on a date, or wondered why people are buying $50,000 Trader Joe's bags, this episode will make you feel joyfully, normally, human.

Transcript

[A]

I don't. I don't think I've ever listened on my.

[B]

Like, he's not enjoyable for me to listen to.

[C]

All right, you guys, the podcast is starting. I know that. We're discussing the new Bruno Mars song. Yeah, we need to get to the full show.

[D]

You guys want to hear it? I can play. Oh, wait, maybe legally I can't play it.

[C]

I don't know. All right, listen, we got a full hour for you. That's brand new. Jeff's got a great new parody song, really dedicated to the quitters of the world. So if that's you, you're gonna love this.

[D]

Yeah, don't quit on the song.

[C]

New second date. The craziest tech that's out there. A lot of fun on the first comments. What do you see? Okay, yeah.

[B]

The other day, we were talking about Nicolas Cage for a shot caller, and Neil McKim commented, There's a bar where I'm from Cork, Ireland, that has a bar full of Nicolas Cage posters and memorabilia, and the owner's a huge fan, and it's recommended not to say anything bad about Nick in his presence.

[E]

No way.

[D]

I bet he'll kick you out.

[C]

Dude, that's kind of cool.

[D]

I wonder if Nicholas has ever gone.

[E]

I don't know.

[C]

How is that? That's probably, like, the tourist destination of the park.

[B]

Neil, you need to go to the bar and send us photos of this.

[D]

I wonder if they have little declaration of independence like menus.

[C]

You can always tag us on socials with any sort of pictures. Not any sort. I guess I shouldn't put that invitation out there.

[D]

No, wait a minute.

[C]

But, BrookeandJeffrey, thanks for being here. Don't get banned, guys. Yeah, before I say too much, we're gonna get this whole show started right now.

[A]

According to a new poll, 79% of New Year's resolutions involve improving on your overall health.

[C]

Yeah, that's great. We should all want that. Health is wealth, Jeff.

[A]

Some of us are pretty healthy to begin with, but that's okay. The majority of those specifically deal with weight loss. It's Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning, and there's one company who's just laughing at us. Who saying, oh, yeah, you want to lose weight? How about we launch the most unhealthy menu item that we've ever had right at the start of the new year?

[C]

I mean, when I ditch my New Year's resolutions, I like to ditch them hard.

[A]

Yeah, this is perfect for you, because Right now, for 11.99, Applebee's is offering something called the om cheeseburger. Now I'm passing the pictures around to my co host. You can find the photo up on our insta stories at Brooke and Jeffrey. Brooke, how would you describe what you're seeing there?

[C]

Well, it looks like a bacon burger with no vegetables. Zero vegetables on it. Bacon, lots of cheese. But it's cut in half and the halves are both sitting downward into another plate of cheese.

[A]

Yeah, it's basically a large bacon cheeseburger cut in half and the ends are floating in a skillet of melted Maltese.

[D]

You can dip it.

[C]

That's intense.

[A]

Yeah, I wouldn't say it looks healthy.

[D]

No, not at all.

[C]

No. My mouth isn't watering for some reason.

[A]

Really? I think it looks absolutely delicious.

[D]

I would take a bite for sure in that cheese sauce.

[A]

Oh yeah, we did go to the Instagram comments for this on Applebee's page. One person said, for anyone who wants to know, I tried this last week and it was great. A little hard to eat because the burger stuck to the skillet. So the waitress had to bring me a spatula in order to pry it up. But it was really good.

[C]

Let's be honest. She brought you a shovel.

[A]

There you go. We're here to help you ruin your New Year's resolutions starting today.

[C]

I think more cheese should be the resolution, Jeff.

[E]

Always.

[A]

And my resolution is to maybe not get shocked by the shock caller during the shock caller question of the day. Digital. Jake, please don't dash my dreams. Let's go for it.

[F]

Let's see. Today we're celebrating the birthday of the future Queen of England.

[D]

Hello, love.

[F]

Kate Middleton. Even cooler than all her fancy gowns or sparkling tiaras and her lavish castles, is her official royal title the Princess of Wales.

[A]

Ooh la la.

[F]

But not all royal names sound quite as elegant as the Princess of Wales, especially when you travel around to other monarchies across the globe. And today you're gonna have to decide which royal titles are real during a special Crowned Jewels or Clowned Fools edition of plenty of 20. Okay, you'll say a number one through 20. I'll give you the name and title of a royal family member from somewhere in the world. Okay, you have to tell me if that person is a real crowned jewel or a made up clowned fool. Let's start with the woman who's been dubbed the morning show's Duchess of Crop, Topolis. That's Alexis.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

So regal.

[B]

I forgot my tiara.

[C]

7.

[F]

Your exalted royal person is King Maha Wajralong Khan from Thailand.

[C]

Cool.

[F]

He holds the Role of upholder of religions, descendant of the Chakri dynasty and possessor of royal white elephants. Now, Alexis, you need to tell me if King Maha Vajralakhan is made up a clown fool or if that's a real person, a crown jewel.

[B]

First of all, I'm impressed you're able to say that all over the house.

[A]

Yeah, I think he mispronounced it. I think it's Maha Rajabroya Longkorn.

[D]

If you're Thai, text in who's pronouncing it right? If anybody is.

[C]

If he's a real person. If it's a real person, which I.

[B]

Still don't even know and I have nothing to base it on. I'm gonna go Crown fool.

[A]

Oh, clown.

[B]

Oh, wait, you kind of did a.

[F]

Half and half there. Clown fool would be fake. Crown jewel is real.

[C]

Clown fool.

[F]

Clown fool. You're the clown fool. King Maha is real.

[C]

He'd come up to you in a bar, try to hit on you and.

[G]

You wouldn't believe him.

[A]

Yep. Then you'd get beheaded in front of the entire town.

[B]

I deserve it.

[C]

I don't think they're doing that.

[D]

We're bodyguards from crop topless and protect her. That's true.

[F]

They're well paid for that. Brook 7 is off the board.

[C]

Let's pick the royal number one.

[F]

Your international royal person is Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah from Brunei.

[E]

Okay.

[F]

The Sultan wears many hats. Currently serving as the Prime Minister, the Minister of Defense and Minister of Finance.

[E]

Busy.

[F]

He's busy. And no time for your tomfoolery, Brooks. So please tell me, is Sultan Hassanal a real person with a real title, Crown jewel or did we make him up? Crown fool.

[C]

Hud isn't the best part of being born into a royal family is you just have to make some public appearances here and there.

[D]

Yeah, you'll have to work now.

[C]

Oh, God, that sounds awful.

[D]

I mean, crowd, right?

[C]

I think he needs to give up some of those jobs. So that's what I'm going to say. He's a clown fool.

[F]

Oh, says clown fool.

[A]

And she joins Alexis.

[C]

Hardest working royal that we'd have.

[F]

Yeah, just take it easy, dude. What's going on in Brunei? Yeah, Jose, we're over to you.

[D]

Okay, let's go.

[E]

12.

[F]

Your global royal is Prince Leopold von Driftwood. He hails from the principality of Westermark, which is a coastal microstate between Germany and Denmark. He's reigned since 2011 and not surprisingly, loves going to the beach in the summers.

[A]

He might be related to Simon von Morningwood, who is a close friend of my family.

[F]

Jose, is Leo von Driftwood a real person with a real title or did we make him up?

[D]

Leo von Driftwood that likes the beach. This is a joke. Like, written in itself.

[C]

I mean, it doesn't sound. It's not a very German name.

[D]

I'm gonna say that this is a crowned fool.

[E]

Jake.

[F]

Clown fool.

[E]

No, he's.

[D]

He's rich, but he's also a fool. Okay?

[G]

He doesn't exist.

[F]

Jose says we made this up. And you got that right. The Driftwood family.

[A]

Our first fake regal. Yeah.

[F]

Jeffrey, will we have another one? Let's go to you for a number.

[E]

Number 12, please.

[D]

His regal's coming out.

[F]

Your royal dignitary is known as Prince Reginald Snootsbury the Snootsberry from the principality of lower Brimvale, a landlocked microstate tucked between Austria and Switzerland, kinda by the Vatican city. Snootsbury has been reigning since 2010. Please tell me, is the Snoot a real person with a real title or did we make him up?

[A]

I'm trying to remember if my father family in our international travels ever crossed paths with the Snootsberries. Been in Brimvale.

[C]

I feel like the last five minutes is. We just sound even dumber to all of our international listeners.

[D]

Dude, if he didn't run on the campaign vood for Snoot, that would have been so good. I voted for him.

[A]

That's what it's all about, man. Just because my family didn't have any invitations from the Snootsberry house, I'm going.

[E]

To say that this must be a clowned fool.

[A]

Jake.

[F]

Jeffrey says we made him up and we did. I should have thought about the invitations to your house.

[A]

That's right.

[F]

That means the boys have won today's edition of plenty of 20.

[A]

Yes, the boys know our royal family members and therefore the lady shall be.

[E]

Punished in a joint shock while singing.

[A]

We are not the champions by Queen.

[C]

We are the champions, my friend. And we'll keep on fighting.

[A]

It did not sound they were fighting at all. That was your shot collar. Question of the day. Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning programming note. It's Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning all. Next week on the show, it's a special themed week of scam the scammer phone tag.

[C]

Oh, my God, I can't wait.

[A]

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

[C]

Wait, is that going on?

[A]

That's the whole week we knew them all in order. What does it mean? Basically, we've had enough of the never ending Scam calls that come into our station. And I'm sure our listeners get a ton to their phones every single day too. But we have multiple phone lines here at the radio and. And it's ridiculous how many random calls keep coming in all throughout the morning from total strangers threatening to shut off our utilities or attempting to sell us bogus car warranties.

[C]

It makes me feel like we have the only landlines that still exist.

[A]

So we have it, and we decided it's time for us to hit back.

[C]

Let's go, Jasmine.

[A]

And say, look, if you can randomly call us whenever, then we can prank you back whenever.

[F]

Okay?

[A]

So that's why every single scam call that came into the show, we answered and tried to mess with them.

[B]

All right, plot is, did we fall for any?

[A]

We did not fall for any. Thank God there was a few close calls. But a side note, one scammer completely loses it on us. Says that we're wasting his time. So you're gonna have to hear it all next week. Listen to us as we scam the scammers of the world. In our scam, the scammer phone taps. We got Laser Stories coming up right after this. Hello, it's Laser Stories. It's the radio segment that's revolutionizing the way we write. With a new smart pen that loudly screams out every word that you put to paper. So now the entire room can hear what you're scrawling into your diary.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

Imagine at school, do you like me?

[G]

Yes or no?

[C]

Dang it, Pen.

[A]

It's all thanks to Laser Stories, the segment where we read weird news stories around the globe just like everyone else does. Except we've got a laser. Those other doodled Andes just don't. This first laser story is out of China. An 81 year old man named Zhang Shuyi was out on his balcony from a high rise apartment building when he accidentally dropped his cell phone.

[C]

Oh my God.

[A]

It was hanging right on the edge of the building, 15 floors up. So he attempted to go over the barrier to try and grab it.

[D]

It was suspended.

[C]

Nothing like an 81 year old climbing on a high rise.

[A]

Well, the worst case scenario happened. Zhang lost his balance and fell over the rail. What?

[E]

No.

[C]

But he didn't catch a stone going down. Grab it.

[B]

Oh, you wanted him to grab it while you're going down.

[A]

Just at least get one text in before it's all over. Luckily for him, another resident on the seventh floor had installed a heavy duty clothes drying rack attached to their window. And with all the strings and cords on It. It miraculously caught him like a cartoon.

[F]

Like on the.

[A]

Exactly like the cartoon. So according to the police report, the resident was about to go check her laundry when she looked out the window in shock and saw Zhang just sitting there, waving back at her.

[D]

Honey, the old man's dry.

[C]

How are old people so chill? He just fell almost to a death and now he's waving, hanging out.

[A]

She called for help, and eventually a security guard tied a fire hose around his own waist and then climbed out and saved the old man.

[C]

Yeah, trust your own nuts if you're gonna do that.

[A]

Thankfully, he only came away with minor injuries when he probably should have died that day.

[C]

That's crazy. But Alexis needs to know. What about the phone?

[B]

I need closure.

[A]

The phone did not make it come on.

[C]

So was it worth it?

[B]

Why live?

[A]

They'll be holding a funeral for his iPhone next week. Zhang says he is grateful for the clothes rack and believes that if that scenario ever happened again, he would probably be caught a second time.

[C]

Okay, that's not believe that.

[A]

He's just got a guardian angel on him all the time.

[D]

Learn zero lessons.

[A]

This next laser story is out of the fragrance forum.

[C]

Smelly.

[A]

Not sure if we covered this on the show, but Bath and Body Works debuted a new pizza and ranch candle last month.

[E]

Creamy.

[C]

Dude, I feel like it's so hard to keep up with all the weird candles that keep getting released.

[A]

Yeah, well, you don't have to anymore because a press release says they've already discontinued it.

[C]

Interesting.

[D]

Wait, discontinued or sold out?

[A]

Discontinued.

[C]

I will say I'm sorry. If you take a Hawaiian pizza and dip it in some ranch, it is like next to it level.

[D]

It is pretty wild, salty, sweet.

[B]

We're talking about candles.

[D]

Hungry.

[C]

Maybe they discontinued it cuz people were trying to eat them.

[D]

Dip them in ranch.

[A]

That is definitely not why. The reason is apparently dozens of customers, if not hundreds, tried to return the candle cuz it was making people gag.

[C]

Oh, it was that actually gag.

[A]

The description on their website probably should have tipped us off. It says it has notes of gooey cheese. And do you really want your entire home to smell like hot cheese?

[D]

I mean, Brooks House already does, I think.

[A]

I'm assuming.

[C]

I know. And cold cheese.

[A]

Yeah. All kinds of actual cheese that you're smelling either.

[D]

I walk in, I'm like, is this the deli?

[C]

No.

[A]

Also, a TikTok went viral last week where a bunch of girls smelled it inside a store and look like they might puke as well. Someone in the comments said they smelled it too. And their quote Life flashed before their eyes.

[D]

Pretty dramatic, dude.

[C]

Don't you? You kind of want to smell one now though.

[D]

I kind of do, actually.

[C]

I mean, why do we only want to smell things that are really good or really bad?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's now sold out on the Bath and Body Works website. People are weird. And when reports came out it was making dozens gags. Suddenly everybody wanted one.

[C]

Exactly.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Just like us.

[A]

Just like us.

[C]

I had the feeling. I just had.

[A]

The company says they're not going to restock it though. It's got a rating of a 1.5 stars.

[E]

Oh.

[A]

With over 200 bad reviews.

[E]

Wow.

[C]

No such thing as bad press, right? Bath and Body Works.

[A]

I don't know about that. This next laser story is out of Trent Town. When you think of fancy bag brands, Fendi, Louis, Prada, those all come to mind. Well, now you can add another designer to that list. Trader Joe's.

[C]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. I say that cuz outside of the U.S. the Trader Joe's canvas totes are reselling for upwards of $50,000.

[G]

Oh my God.

[C]

That is crazy.

[B]

They're so cute though.

[C]

But they're so stupid. They're the mini totes. They're lunch bags.

[B]

Everyone uses them for lunch.

[C]

Yeah, I just hate how small they are, how big my lunch is.

[A]

Brooke keeps talking about lunch. Can we get like. Like a boiled egg in here or something?

[D]

Yeah, someone needs to deliver a pizza to the studio.

[A]

These are the same, same totes that sold together as a group of four for under 10 bucks total.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Under 10. Under 10.

[C]

My Trader Joe's had them and I didn't buy any.

[D]

Oh, really?

[C]

I was like, what am I going to use that for?

[D]

You regret it now?

[C]

Well, I probably could have resold it.

[A]

Should have. Right now the US has a rule limiting customers to only purchasing two because of their high demand. But overseas, they've reached a completely different status entirely.

[B]

It's like my friends live in Europe, say now. It's almost like too basic to have one, that they're getting embarrassed to have them in Europe because so everybody has them.

[A]

They are being listed on sites similar to ebay with a starting auction price of 10 grand.

[C]

Whoa.

[G]

Wow.

[D]

That's a wild.

[A]

There's over 600 Trader Joe's in the US but zero internationally. However, if you walk down the streets of London right now, you wouldn't know it. There's estimates that 1 in 10 women currently own one.

[C]

That's literally what you just said, Alexis.

[A]

Let's go to your final laser story out of Hong Kong.

[D]

A lot of international today.

[C]

I like it.

[A]

Local shopping malls in the news after adding windows to their public bathroom stalls. What the heck?

[D]

That's gross. But excuse me.

[C]

What?

[A]

You can't see through them unless the person inside the stall lights up a cigarette.

[C]

But what if they're just lighting a match to, you know, make it better for the next person? It is, but it works amazingly.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Definitely not going to the bathroom bathrooms after Brooke. Note taken.

[C]

Yeah, it's better.

[A]

That is better. But if you light up a cigarette, then you can see everything inside.

[E]

Dang.

[C]

Apparently crazy technology.

[A]

Smoking in bathrooms is still common in China. And officials are trying to stop that by installing a glass that goes from frosted to clear if it detects smoke.

[D]

Oh, got it.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

But you're not that embarrassed because you have your pants on when you're smoking, right?

[A]

Who knows? I don't know how they do it. People see you smoking inside and whatever else that you're doing while you're in there.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

On top of that, a loud audio message also gets broadcast to alert people to put down the cigarette and leave. Oh no.

[D]

Now that would get it.

[E]

Please put down your sigs.

[C]

You know, do you ever feel like we don't have enough public shame in this country?

[A]

Yeah, we got to bring that back.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

A spokesperson for the mall said the new system seems to be working. They used to get several complaints a day about people smoking in their bathrooms, but it's dropped off dramatically since they've installed these. So maybe see through bathroom windows would actually work here in our country. Yeah, I know. This guy just ordered a dozen of them and installed them inside his terrarium.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Cuz he wants to be seen.

[E]

I see.

[A]

With whatever and shoe ever he is doing at the moment. And that sound means Laser Stories has come to an end for the day. We'll do it again same time on Monday. They said this wasn't possible, but it's actually happening.

[C]

What?

[A]

Something from the Harry Potter world, a magic something is now coming to real life.

[C]

Flying brooms. Give me a flying broom.

[A]

It's not that. But they actually figured out how to make it.

[E]

Whoa.

[A]

Plus, the world's favorite toy just got a major upgrade. And even they say it's never going to be the same ever again. I can't tell you exactly what it is, but I'll just give you the acronym L, E G. Okay, that's.

[C]

That's just spelling.

[A]

I don't know. That's above my page.

[C]

I don't think it stands for anything.

[A]

We're just Two of the incredible new high tech products featured at the Consumer Electronics show in Vegas. You're going to find out what they are and how your life is going to change forever. Coming up right after this, Ladies and gentlemen, the future is now.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

It's Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning.

[C]

Is it tomorrow?

[A]

Oh, no, it's now.

[C]

You said now, bro. Isn't it the present?

[A]

I know.

[D]

Don't wait anymore.

[A]

It's the week that I've been waiting for for a long time. My co host probably forgot or they've been drinking or both. But yesterday the big Consumer Electronics Show CES kicked off in Las Vegas. Oh yeah.

[C]

It's like the nerd Olympics. Let's go.

[A]

We try to cover it every year cuz they feature some of the coolest new tech and gadgets that are going to be available to the public. And it gives us a little glimpse of what the future might look like. So are you guys ready to hear these, the new products that are coming out soon?

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Gosh. Give us something useful, Jeff.

[A]

Let's go through them. A company called Vinabot came up with talking AI picture frames. Oh, and they're not just talking randomly at you. Apparently you can actually hold conversations with the people in the pictures.

[C]

So they read Harry Potter and came up with an idea.

[A]

It's exactly where it comes from, Brooke. They were inspired by the talking paintings in Harry Potter. And if you're wondering, they cost around $300 each and could be available in. In just the next two or three years.

[C]

I don't need to be arguing with the picture frames in my house.

[A]

You know, you don't have to argue with them. You can flirt with them.

[F]

Don't need that.

[D]

It's like slay girl.

[A]

Look at you. Damn. Look at that.

[C]

What is. I mean, do you program it to say what you. No you want?

[A]

They're just smart and you can just hold a conversation with them.

[D]

Whatever you want.

[C]

Creepy.

[D]

What if it's bipolar and it yells at you one day, the next day it loves you?

[C]

I don't know. I'm gonna put a family photo up and make us all have acc.

[D]

How fun would that be yourself.

[A]

Next up is a company called Eye Polish who created color changing fingernails. And according to their website, they have a patent pending digital press on acrylic nails with Bluetooth in them. So you can change the color of your nails just through your iPhone, Dude.

[B]

Oh, that's nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, how waterproof are these things though? Like, yeah, true.

[F]

No washing your hands.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, you could just Change one nail at a time or all of them together. You can have over 300 different shades to choose from. And the starter kit is just $95.

[C]

Oh, that's good, Alexis, because your nails didn't cost too much already.

[B]

I mean. Yeah, that's true.

[A]

And rumor is your nails will be able to hold conversations with you.

[E]

All.

[A]

AI is moving in the exact same direction.

[C]

If you're lonely, you got ten fingers.

[A]

There you go. What other new tech is coming? This is something I know Brooke's going to love.

[C]

What?

[A]

A company called Volvo created a toilet that calls for help.

[C]

Oh, why? Why would it call for help?

[A]

Well, apparently it's geared more towards the senior citizens in your family because the commode is equipped with smart sensors on it. So let's say somebody that's in like an old folks apartment has one and they haven't used it in like 8 to 10 hours.

[F]

What?

[A]

The toilet will alert your family that your loved one may need help. Or it may say, please bring more toilet paper or just prunes.

[D]

They're backed up.

[F]

Yes, buddy, I'm hungry.

[A]

Exactly. Basically a life alert for potty time.

[C]

I feel like I'd get so many false alerts.

[A]

Maybe you're using it too much, Brooke.

[C]

Yeah, I was thinking about my dad.

[A]

If you're just joining us, we're giving you a peek into the future.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

With some of the craziest new technology that was featured at the Consumer Electronics show in Vegas. Next up, look who's getting in on the action. Lego has shown up to ces.

[D]

Dude, I just saw all this yesterday.

[A]

It is awesome because they're debuting something they call LEGO smart bricks.

[C]

Oh, good, because we weren't buying the toys to get the kids off of the island.

[D]

Yeah, it's gonna get worse.

[A]

For example, if you're building a LEGO set and you follow the instructions and you put certain blocks together.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

They'll light up and make different sounds and. No, like, if you're building a car, the Legos will make the engine sound for you.

[D]

And they showed an example and it's literally like. And I'm like, that would be so fun as a kid to, like, build a little.

[C]

Isn't that the whole point as a kid, to, like, make the noises and then take it apart and make things out of you? I don't know.

[A]

Imagine that's a lot of pressure on children.

[C]

Take the pressure off car noise.

[G]

Yes.

[A]

That's too much.

[F]

They're hybrids now. There's different sounds.

[A]

You're stressing your children out.

[F]

Standard way Baby, come on manual.

[C]

He's trying to ship in the less smart crap for kids is a good idea. I want dumb toys, Jeff.

[A]

They say Lego smart bricks are gonna bring creations to life like never before. And they're gonna launch this March with three new Star wars sets.

[C]

I'm sorry, those aren't for kids. Those are like a 35 year old. Yes.

[A]

Still very cool. What else is at the consumer Electro show this year? A lot of AI AI mirrors that can help you do your makeup. AI powered hair clippers where you choose a hairstyle on the app and the blades auto adjust so that you can use it and get the style you want.

[C]

Do you guys remember the flowy? It was like a haircut thing that you attached to a vacuum cleaner and it said that you can cut. It's like the same thing. Nobody, nobody had a good haircut after a flowy.

[A]

What about the first ever AI robot vacuum that can climb stairs? The legs pop out of it like a little spider and it crawls up the steps. Here's a photo of it. It's adorable. It's like if your panini press had legs.

[D]

The legs look like little saws.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you be supportive of one piece of technology that's going to be coming out soon? Just one?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

I liked the first thing. What was it?

[D]

You don't even remember.

[C]

Oh, no. The second thing. The nails. The nails.

[A]

That's fine. And finally, I'm so glad that they're making this. It's from a brand called Lollipop Star. They created candy suckers that play music.

[C]

They have those where you push the little button at the bottom and it spins around.

[A]

That's ancient crap. This is the high tech stuff. It's not music that comes out of a tiny speaker. Each flavor plays a different song using bone conduction technology that sends vibrations through your jaw so the music only plays inside of your head, not out loud.

[C]

That can make you feel crazy. Yeah.

[A]

You can't buy them yet. You have to join a wait list because they're so popular. But once they're available, you can purchase them for $9 each.

[C]

What if you get one where you hate the song? That's a bummer.

[A]

Future looks sticky and I love it. Those were your brand. Every year. Brand new tech products featured at the Consumer Electronics show in Vegas this week. Text in to 78592 and tell us which item you'd want to. Your phone tap's coming up right after this. It's time for your phone tap and anybody listening who wants to prank Their significant other should know this. One of the best times to do it is right when they get a new job.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Because they're eager and they want to be extra polite and super accommodating. And we're devious here on the show because we see weakness in that, and we know we can go after that vulnerability. Like the guy we call today. I mean, he hasn't met anybody yet at his new job. He's gonna believe that I work there and that I'm his direct supervisor.

[C]

It's so scary.

[A]

And, yeah, my first request is gonna be a little weird, but he's gonna have to deal with it politely in your phone tap right now.

[C]

Brooke and Jeffrey's phone taps on the 20s.

[G]

Hello?

[A]

Hey, I'm looking for John.

[H]

Yeah, this is John. Who's this?

[A]

Hey, this is Casey. I'm gonna be one of your supervisors when you start next week over at a. Oh, man.

[H]

Yeah. Happy to be here.

[A]

I just want to get some things that need to be on your to do list.

[H]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah.

[H]

Let me grab a pen.

[A]

Perfect. So what we're doing, I need you to do, it's kind of like a holiday ish message that I need you to write to my children.

[H]

Wait, wait, what?

[A]

Their names are Leo and Samantha. They're six and seven. Okay. Are you writing this down?

[H]

Leo and Samantha, six and seven. This is my kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got that. But what are you asking me to do?

[F]

Right?

[A]

So basically, they got really spoiled this last holiday. Got way too many presents. So I'm gonna need you to write a letter threatening to take their toys away. Writing that down?

[G]

Yeah.

[H]

No, I'm not writing down. I'm confused. I'm really confused.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

How does this have to do with work?

[A]

It's just. You understand, parenting isn't easy.

[H]

Sure.

[A]

And coming from someone else, that message is gonna be so much more effective. Yeah, because, you know, they don't listen to us anymore as parents. They basically run the house now. They eat a ton of sugar, they go to bed whatever time they want. They watch all the bad movies on tv.

[H]

Right, but I'm not gonna tell your kids that. I'll take their toys away. I'm in marketing.

[A]

Okay, well, technically, hate to stop you there, but technically, you're correct. You will be writing the letter, but you're gonna sign it under another name. Grundlebuck.

[H]

Grundlebuck?

[A]

Yeah, me and the wife made that name up. It's kind of like a stateside version of Krampus from Europe. You know, like the Mean Christmas guy. Yeah, I think he eats kids over there.

[H]

Yeah, yeah, I. I get it.

[A]

Good, good. Because, you know, the kids, they'll recognize our handwriting. They're pretty smart. Now, that's why we'd have you write the letter.

[H]

Right, Right.

[A]

And I had a cinnamon roll this morning, and I told my wife, you know, we have this new guy who's going to be starting at the company named John. And she was like, ooh, John. Sounds like he could be Grund.

[H]

Man, that is a great idea.

[A]

Thank you.

[H]

But I'm thinking maybe is there any way that I don't have to be the one that does this?

[A]

Do you mean write the letters or not wear the costume?

[H]

Oh, I didn't know there was a costume.

[A]

I mean, how else are we gonna scare them at their windows at night?

[H]

This is borderline genius.

[A]

I know. Yes.

[H]

Yeah, I was gonna say too much.

[A]

Oh.

[H]

I work in marketing, and this was not part of the job that I applied for.

[A]

Well, hate to stop you again, but did you see the part where we said that we need a creative person who goes the extra mile?

[H]

Yeah, for the company.

[A]

Well, yes, exactly. Grundlebuck falls under that umbrella.

[H]

So you're saying that I really have to do this?

[A]

Yes. And Leo, by the way, he loves his PlayStation right now, so let's start with your first threatening message about that. I want to hear what you say. Yeah. And remember, Leo's been very naughty.

[H]

What did he do?

[A]

Well, he hasn't done anything yet, but the steak knives are missing from the kitchen, so.

[H]

Okay, listen, listen. I don't want to be involved in this.

[A]

You don't want to be involved in a prank phone call on the radio?

[H]

Yeah. No, I don't want to be involved in writing letters, prank phone calls. I don't want to be a part of any of it. Okay, I would love to work for the company, but, John, I think you're.

[A]

Missing what I said. This isn't real. This isn't the company you're going to work for. My name is Jeff from Brooke and Jeffrey in the Morning.

[H]

What?

[A]

Your wife Jenna set you up for a phone tap on the radio.

[H]

Oh, my God. That was the dumbest prank I've ever heard of.

[A]

You fell for it, though, so you got to look at yourself.

[H]

Oh, my God. How do you even know I. Oh, she set it up?

[A]

Yeah, because she told us that you got a new job in marketing and thought we can mess with you about it.

[H]

I fell for Grundlebuck, too. I was about to look him up.

[A]

No, you don't have to look him up. I have the costume already for you. What are you, large?

[H]

I can't wait to scare my boss's children now.

[A]

I'm glad we hired you. Oh, yeah, Brooke and Jeffrey's phone taps on the 20s. We are about to speak with maybe the bravest man our show has ever talked to. Cuz if what happened to him had happened to me. Yeah, I wouldn't breathe a word of it to anybody ever. Oh, not to my best friend.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Not to my mom, not to my parole officer or the guy I pay to dress up as one nobody's hearing about.

[C]

You tell that guy everything.

[H]

I sure do.

[G]

I'm an open book.

[A]

But one man is willing to retell his story of the most embarrassing date night of his life in the hopes that it might get him another shot with the woman that he likes. Will it be worth the public self humiliation? We're going to find out in a brand new second date update right after this.

[C]

Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning. Second date update.

[A]

Brooke, in the history of doing this segment, what is the biggest disaster date you ever remember hearing from a listener? Oh, that's a big question.

[C]

I know, I know.

[A]

Dude.

[C]

Pooping accidentally in the back of a cab. Oh, do you guys remember that one.

[D]

Might have all pooped too. Behind a tree in a park.

[A]

That's the one that I remember.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Remember this was. There was poisoning, too much alcohol.

[A]

Oh, and the girl.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, I feel like this was before my time.

[C]

It was. It was like a decade ago.

[B]

And traumatized by this, if I was.

[C]

Here slip, it stuck with me to this day.

[D]

Embarrassing.

[A]

A lot of like, bodily functions involved in terrible disaster dates on this show.

[C]

It's like the worst nightmare of anybody.

[A]

Well, we have a guy on the phone who thinks he may take the crown for the new number one most embarrassing date of all time. His name is Nick.

[C]

Oh, God.

[A]

And let's welcome him to the show for this moment. Nick, how you doing, man?

[G]

Oh, I'm good. I mean, I'm okay. How are you? Good morning.

[C]

Hopefully. Hopefully we made you feel better. But with those two stories because you're like, it can't be that bad, right?

[G]

Oh, this one's pretty gnarly.

[B]

If it involves any bathroom thing, hang up now.

[D]

Yeah, no, we want to hear.

[A]

Yeah, whatever's going on, let's start from the beginning of the story at least. What's the name of the girl that you met?

[G]

Yeah, her name's Crystal. I met her on a dating app.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

We went to the zoo Lights. I mean, we had a. Oh, that's fun.

[D]

Like the Christmasy zoo light experience.

[C]

Everyone should do that. It's a really fun walkthrough.

[A]

I like the zoo in the dark, personally, but that's. That's okay.

[C]

How can a day at the Zoolites go bad? You know, they have some, like, mold wine and you.

[B]

Too many kids around, did you say?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Mold wine is a moldy wine. Mold. M U L L E D. Mold.

[D]

Like to mullet.

[A]

Oh, mold.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes, I heard. M O L D. I mean, I.

[C]

Would drink that too.

[A]

Yeah, I know you would. Okay, Fermance, a little more. But, yeah. So tell us how Zoolites went, Nick.

[G]

I mean, we definitely had some drinks, you know, and we hit it off great. But the thing was, is there's, like, only one bathroom there.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

I don't like where this is going.

[A]

This is a bathroom thing.

[G]

This is the embarrassing part. Oh, they're like, all the way in the back, and the bathroom's, like, all the way in the front.

[C]

Oh, you're in the back of the zoo and you have to go all the way to the front to get right.

[G]

Right. And it's kind of, like, raining hard. My body's, like, telling me, like, yo, dude, you gotta go, man.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

Oh, no.

[D]

Can we ask number one or two or does it.

[A]

No, no, no. I don't think we need that. I don't want to know. Although, I mean, the animals in the zoo can go wherever they want. I'm sure human policy has to be similar.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Why can't you just do it in.

[D]

The middle of the pathway and be like, I think giraffes got out.

[C]

It's a good point. There must be an incredible pooper scooper at 8.

[A]

I feel like they'd be used to that elephant. Yes. So what happens?

[G]

So, like, I'm asking the employees. I'm like, hey, man, where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom? Like, 20 minutes that way. 20 minutes this way.

[A]

I'm like, like, really? 20 minutes? Jeez, that's a hike.

[G]

Like, dude, I gotta go. Like, I gotta go now. I'm not gonna make it in 20 minutes.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Wait, and is your day still with you or have you left her, like, back at a table or something?

[G]

No, no, no. She's, like, looking for me, helping me.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

Both trying to track down the bathroom.

[C]

For you, and you're trying to be cool, but you can't.

[G]

Right? Like, trying to play it off. But we find an employee bathroom, right? And Then I just tell her, like, hey, just wait right here and I'll be right back. But I don't know if she heard me, because once I went, it was gnarly. And then when I came out the bathroom, I saw her just standing in the bathroom. And I'm like, whoa. Like, you were here the whole time. Like, what are you doing?

[A]

She was, like, right outside the stall.

[G]

She was by the sink. And her eyes were, like, big, you know? And I'm just like, what are you doing?

[D]

That's probably horrified.

[A]

Oh, my God. Or smell.

[D]

I don't know what's going on.

[E]

All of it.

[C]

Why was she in there?

[G]

She goes, oh, I didn't want to get caught by the employee. Standing outside actually makes sense, actually.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Instead of being out there lingering, I'm.

[G]

Just like, oh, my God. Did I really? Just like.

[E]

That'S something.

[D]

Like, you have to be married for 10 years to be in the same room.

[C]

Nope. Not even then. You don't do it then if you want your marriage to last. I'm sorry. I know people have different opinions, but I say that's a hard no.

[A]

Eating lunch on the toilet. That's okay. In Brooks Smile. Not with your partner there. That's for sure.

[E]

Oh, no.

[G]

I mean, she, like, said, like, she covered it years, but I'm just like.

[A]

She had to say that.

[G]

You know, she was trying to make me feel better. Like, look at the lights. They're shaped like a tiger. And I'm just like, dude, you just heard me.

[H]

Like.

[D]

I mean, dude, you could be the hottest guy in the world.

[C]

That's really.

[A]

Yeah. Some sounds you just can't recover from.

[G]

Okay, but hear this. It even gets crazier. Watch, like, we start leaving, right? And we're, like, heading back to the house or whatever. I'm dropping her off. And to make things worse, I gotta stop and go again to the bathroom.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

On the drive home, you had to pull over. Yes.

[G]

And then I told her, don't follow me in this time.

[C]

Did she laugh? That's pretty funny.

[G]

I don't know. I was just out the door. I was just like, I had to get out of here.

[E]

Oh, no.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

Sounds like you maybe had a nervous tummy issue.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, you weren't lying when you said that could be the number one disaster date story. So.

[B]

Hard to recover from.

[C]

I mean, do you even ask, like, if there was a kiss or a plan for a second date?

[G]

Yeah, you know what? I didn't even go in for the hug. When we said goodbye, I Just felt bad we had to, like, endure that.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah, she's been through enough.

[C]

Yeah, but she's a good person for trying to make you feel better. You know what I mean? Like, she wasn't quiet after.

[A]

We should mock you mercilessly like we would have.

[G]

Yeah, I like that about her. You know, that's why we hit it off. That. I just. I feel awkward, and maybe it's in my head. I don't know.

[C]

It's not in your head.

[A]

Yeah, it's in a string of restrooms leading from the zoo back to your house, so.

[C]

You poor thing.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah, man.

[D]

I mean, sometimes times you set a tone like you may be bathroom boy to her and her friend group right now, and you'll never recover.

[G]

Yeah, that makes me feel worse. I really hope she's not calling me bathroom boy with his friend.

[A]

We hope that, too, and we'll find out.

[C]

Bathroom boy would be the nicest.

[A]

That's what I'm thinking.

[C]

I would have gone a lot more brutal than that. Yeah.

[A]

Let's find out what nickname she actually uses when we call Crystal in just a few minutes here and try and get you your second date update.

[G]

I don't really know if that's the goal, guys.

[A]

Maybe it's not your goal, but it's our goal.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

When we do the second date update.

[C]

Next, Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning. Second date update.

[A]

If you're just joining us for the second date update, let's hit the highlights of Nick's first date with Crystal.

[C]

Oh, man, there's one.

[A]

Yeah, they went to zoo lights together.

[C]

That's a highlight.

[A]

It's pretty much all the highlights.

[C]

She was really kind.

[A]

Yes. And the glowing tiger. There was a glowing tiger that was kind of cool.

[D]

All the lights has, like, tiger eyes.

[C]

He didn't see it, but she did.

[A]

The lowlights include a very embarrassing bathroom incident where Crystal witnessed more than she probably wanted to inside of an employee restroom.

[D]

Not just witness. She got the whole thing.

[C]

If you have to say, I covered my ears afterwards.

[A]

Yeah, that's really all that needs to be said, I think. And there was a second bathroom stop on the drive home.

[C]

Luckily, she did not attend that one.

[A]

As far as we know. Anyway, it's been two weeks, and while Nick's body has finally settled down, his mind is going crazy, wanting another chance. Right, Nick?

[H]

Yeah.

[G]

I mean, all I can think about is, like, why did I do this and how did I screw it up?

[H]

Shilda.

[C]

But the thing is, none of it's your fault. It's A situation like that's a problem. Like your body just defied you.

[G]

You guys think, like, if this doesn't work out, I could do like an awkward Tuesday thing where I do the zoo or something.

[C]

To the zoo. For you not being able to get to the bathroom in time, they should.

[G]

Have more bathrooms instead of one.

[B]

There's probably been a lot of kids that have also gone all over the place.

[D]

That's a good point.

[G]

Like, the only time in my life I seriously wish I just, like, had old man diapers or something.

[C]

No. That smell. No.

[A]

No.

[D]

You imagine the dinner table.

[C]

Why does your face look like that?

[A]

You can always do it on a future day. Don't quit on yourself. But here we go. Yeah.

[D]

Don't give up, Nick.

[A]

I'm gonna dial her number right now.

[E]

Hello?

[A]

Hi, is this Crystal?

[I]

Yes, it is. Who's this?

[A]

Hey, Crystal. This is a radio show called Brooke and Jeffrey in the Morning.

[C]

Hi, Crystal.

[D]

Hi, Crystal. Good morning.

[C]

The whole show's here.

[I]

Okay.

[A]

I know it's probably weird that we're reaching out to you out of the blue, but we're doing something called a second date update.

[I]

Okay.

[G]

Why?

[A]

Because one of our listeners said they went out on a very interesting date with you about two weeks ago.

[C]

They said. Embarrassing.

[A]

Well, trying to sugarcoat it.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, she knows.

[D]

Yeah, it's true.

[A]

A Zoolites date with a guy named Nick.

[I]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Appropriate response.

[C]

Oh, he told us everything, I think.

[E]

What?

[I]

I'm sorry. Why would he tell you that?

[A]

I mean, that's kind of how this works. We asked Nick to give us some details about your hangout so we could kind of gauge how it went. Yeah, that was kind of how we responded to when we heard it. But we're curious to hear your take on the night.

[C]

Oh, God. We'll just start with how it started. I mean, were you excited about Nick?

[A]

Can we start?

[C]

I mean, I want to start with the good stuff. Right?

[A]

Sure you don't want to get right to the bathroom part, Brooke?

[C]

No, I just feel like if we're going to set him up for success, we have to remind her that at some point I think you probably liked him. Right, Crystal?

[D]

Remember the good times?

[C]

Yeah.

[I]

I was excited about the date.

[A]

That's good.

[I]

It was a cute little wholesome date we were going on and then it just kind of took a turn.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And right through that employee only door. Can I ask, though? Can I just ask real quick? Why, after you maybe heard what was happening in the stall, did you not just run out of the bathroom and like act like you were never in there.

[I]

You know, I think I was just kind of in shock.

[C]

Oh, is that bad?

[I]

Like I had gone into the bathroom because I didn't want to get caught by the employees. I didn't want us to get kicked out. I didn't think what was going to happen was going to happen.

[A]

Sure. And it's probably like witness witnessing a car accident where it's horrifying, but at the same time you can't look away.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

All of traffic comes to a crawl.

[D]

You had to call your insurance.

[A]

Okay. I mean that's what we thought. Is this must be the reason that you haven't been staying in contact with Nick after your hangout?

[I]

Yeah, I mean, like, I know it's not his fault, but I can't get that out of my mind.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh man.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

I mean that's understandable. They always say first impressions and that's unfortunate. Unfortunately his.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Not to big impression. Not to shock you with any more crazy information, but I do need to let you know that Nick has been listening to this phone call on the other line waiting to jump in and surprise you again.

[B]

He's secretly waiting this time.

[E]

Yeah.

[H]

What are you.

[I]

You're joking.

[A]

No, no, unfortunately. Nick, are you there?

[G]

Hey, what's up? It's Daphne, boy.

[C]

Oh, don't give yourself that nickname, Nick. Owning it.

[E]

Kidding.

[D]

Come on.

[I]

Dude, what are you doing? You're like making this way worse for yourself.

[A]

I mean, Nick, you feel bad that happened?

[G]

Of course I feel bad. I thought that we had a connection. I just had like a bathroom emergency. I mean, look at it like this. What if the roles were reversed and you went to the bathroom and it's like you don't even have to really go to the bathroom. You can make all the noise that I'd still be attracted to you.

[C]

That's not the argument you think.

[E]

It's.

[A]

Are you throwing out a hypothetical? Are you actually suggesting that this happens?

[D]

Why would you even out the score?

[G]

I'm just trying to get us back on track, you know?

[B]

That's not the way.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[C]

I mean, maybe the better idea, Crystal, right. Is like maybe we can forget this happened and start fresh.

[G]

I don't know.

[A]

It's up to Crystal. Which one? She prefers Crystal.

[I]

I mean, you guys, like this whole thing could have just been between me and Nick and now it's on the radio. Like, I just don't understand why you thought it would be better to bring this thing to a public space. Like, I'm just It's weird.

[A]

This is weird because you weren't answering him.

[G]

Crystal so ghosted me so I didn't know what to do. Yeah, I had to get them professional help.

[C]

And it shows, doesn't it show, Crystal, that he's. He's a guy who's willing to be vulnerable and share embarrassing stuff with other people. Like you want that in a person and a partner, right?

[A]

I mean, Crystal, just hearing all this, I'm thinking a little bit is kind of on you. Did you not offer him toilet paper underneath the stall? If you're gonna be in there being supportive, you should really support him.

[D]

That is true.

[G]

Look for the bathroom though.

[A]

She did help you locate the bathroom.

[C]

Yeah, Crystal's not even talking anymore.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know. Crystal, are you still there?

[I]

Yeah, no, I'm still here. I'm just wondering if this is like a real thing. Like is this really happening right now?

[A]

Yeah, you're in just as much shock as if you were standing in that bathroom all over again. You don't know what to say.

[D]

Say even more shocking. This is like top tier radio for us. This is a great segment.

[I]

Is that because I don't think your show is doing that well.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

This is what we're bringing.

[C]

Like maybe this will be your memory now instead of that other memory, you know?

[A]

Yes. Because we're already at the ultimate low point of this relationship. There's only upwards to go from here.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And that type of optimism is what I hope influences you to say yes when I offer to send you two out on another date. But before we get your answer, Crystal. Nick, do you have any last words that you want to share?

[G]

Well, you know, I do want to say, Crystal, when I went to the bathroom the second time, it was a lot less gnarlier than the first time. It's just when I went the first time, it was just I was like holding it in for a while.

[B]

No more details.

[C]

Why would you give her what that was?

[A]

An aberration. Crystal, going forward, it's all going to be normal.

[C]

Nick, your statement should have been about how great she is and how much you to want to see her again.

[A]

This might have worked though. Let's find out. Crystal, do you want to go out with Nick after hearing that one more time?

[D]

Just don't get him tacos or anything.

[I]

Look, like, Nick, I'm sure you're a nice guy, but I got to be honest, even if you paid me money to go, I would still say no.

[B]

It'S not necessary.

[C]

Giving you dinner.

[G]

So you're telling me the comparison between the first bathroom and the second bathroom wasn't convincing at all?

[I]

No, Nick, it wasn't.

[C]

I'm glad she clarified.

[A]

Nick, this is the state of the dating world. Judgy women.

[C]

I was thinking that maybe he needs to check where the restrooms are before he plans his next date.

[A]

Actually, that's a good point too.

[G]

No, no, you know what, dude? It's fine. I'm just gonna sue the zoo. There's no way that they should have.

[B]

One bathroom next Tuesday on our show.

[A]

It's going right up to the Supreme Court with that one.

[C]

Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning.

[A]

There must be some type of global restroom app out there that starts beeping an alarm when you're farther than five minutes away from any public bathroom.

[C]

I don't know about that, but there is a public restroom app for sure. Is there the closest one?

[A]

Did you create it, Brooke?

[D]

You created it to meet up with you?

[C]

I'm like a camel, dude. I can wait for hours before I need to go.

[D]

I'm like a rat peeing right now.

[A]

Well, we need. Everybody needs to get that bathroom app because I swear we have more dates ruined on this show by bathroom breaks than anything else.

[C]

It is weird at the beginning of this when you ask the most, like, horrific date stories we remember from doing it. And Jose and I both said bathroom issues.

[A]

Exactly.

[C]

The guy on the phone.

[A]

Not only that, if someone ever just goes to the bathroom real quick, bad stuff happens. They check their phone, they get numbers from the waiter. Nothing good happens when you use the bathroom on a date. So just don't do it.

[C]

Okay?

[E]

Yep.

[A]

Hold it.

[C]

I don't know that that's healthy, but yes.

[E]

Be sure.

[A]

All right, that's it. That's our best bet. But I'll tell you, good things always happen when you subscribe to our podcast, Apple Spotify. Wherever you get yours, you can find us at Brooke and Jeffrey. Has anybody here noticed random office supplies slowly disappearing from the workplace?

[C]

No.

[B]

I didn't even know we had need to start.

[A]

Yeah, me neither. Especially if management is listening to this.

[C]

Are you stealing the office pins and staplers?

[A]

No, absolutely not. Brooke. And I don't ever see Brooke leaving work with a big duffel bag full of commercial grade printer toner. That's never happened.

[C]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[A]

Yeah, me either. And I know Alexis would never take office paper clips home to use as cheap bobby pins for her hair.

[C]

No.

[B]

Or to, you know, help tighten my straps and my clothes.

[C]

No. Not helpful for that at all.

[A]

You only get the highest quality stuff.

[E]

So.

[A]

See, I'm just glad that there's cameras in studio rolling for my new song of the week. Oh, and if the footage cuts out for a minute or two and some of the lights in studio go missing, I'm sure there's a logical explanation. During my brand new song of the week is coming up.

[C]

Where'd my mic go?

[A]

It is time for my song of the week. The first one of the new year. It's Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning. And usually around this time, you'll look around on your social media and you'll see all kinds of motivational sayings that people are posting. Like, be the change you want to see.

[C]

That's nice.

[A]

And new year, new opportunities. You just got to show up and take them.

[C]

Okay, let's go, J.

[A]

My motto. Why don't you shut up and shove them, cuz? I mean, listen, I'm all about setting personal goals and making a plan, but when you know you're falling way, way short, instead of just continuing to lie to yourself and saying, ah, you know what? I'll do it tomorrow. Yeah, maybe instead you should just give up now.

[D]

Yeah, right, Brooke.

[C]

I was gonna say set the bar lower, but, like, we're just getting rid of the bar.

[A]

No, Give up now.

[D]

You're a.

[A]

You're a middle school soccer coach. Isn't that like part of one of your halftime speeches?

[C]

That's totally what I told the guys.

[E]

Good. That's what they need to hear.

[D]

Kids were losing a half. Save your energy for pizza after.

[C]

Why try.

[A]

Thank you, Brooke. And especially for adults, the last thing they need is to be slogging on the treadmill for hours and hours trying to beat an insurmountable calorie deficit. And it's just not going to work. You know that in your heart. You know what they should do is create a candy bar called calorie deficit. Make it easy on all of us.

[C]

Glad we're not just going to concentrate on being healthier. Good job.

[A]

What's the point, Brooke? Seriously? Cuz, I. Look, I know it's early, but if you had a resolution and you already realized that you were way overshooting your potential, I'm the only one who's going to be brave enough to tell you this. But it's okay to stop. Quitting is allowed. I'm not going to judge you for it. Brooke. Might. But don't be ashamed of yourself, okay? Okay. This song is going to be the metaphorical arm around your shoulder that says it's all right if you don't meet all your goals. Nobody actually believed that you could do it.

[D]

Oh, who cares really?

[C]

That's the motivational poster we needed.

[A]

Exactly. That's why today, instead of singing the famous song by Charlie Puth, you just want attention. It's young Jeffrey's useless resolutions. Okay, Jeff, why did you even set them in the first place? Here we go. I'll point when I'm ready.

[E]

Point.

[H]

One.

[E]

Four, three, two, one. You've been walking around talking loud all about saying how this you're you gonna change and get organized, exercise, eat and write all that junk. But it hasn't been happening. Haven't been to the gym in nine whole days. Weird coincidence that's the same day O and you, you signed up dry January's hard. What did you expect? You were pounding jell O shots all New Year's night. You swore off Coca cola and corn syrup and just replace it with five cans of diet Sprite. Useless resolutions fail before they start a baby ain't no shame in getting giving up after day two. Yeah, screw this self improvement. Why should you self starve? Honestly, nobody really thought you'd see it through. You've been promising, promising all the saying that you won't use your phone all day.

[A]

It might be easier if you just.

[E]

Cleave it your whole arm off. And you made it clear that this year is the year you decline Bueno tomorrow rage now the finger goes up the shoulder that you're number one. You said you would learn Spanish but no bueno friends cause you gotta open babble more than twice. You wanna save more money, get out of debt. But a weekend in Las Vegas could be nice. Screw your resolutions those can't wait till March. Planet fitness doesn't love you much as donuts do. You're not a morning person. Snooze is who you are. Sloths need lots of beauties but that's how they look so cute. You said you quick viewing movies all the X rated stuff you think therapist using a different kind of self love. You tried to quit coffee but now you're a morning grub. Your life could be happy just toss your goals in the dump. You bought a ring from Aura 10,000 steps. If it's to and from the fridge you should be fine. Big charity support that is unless they got destiny working the stage at night. Stupid resolutions invest your money hard all on NFTs and Funko Pops and labu boos. You had such high ambitions to read more after dark gave yourself a mission more Ambition impossible than Tom Cruise. Why you still doing these ill fated New Year's? Go. Who are you fooling? Your salad's in a bread bowl so quick. That's not foolish. The Rock gave up on football. And what happened to him? He's the biggest stud of them all.

[C]

Right. The Rock's a great example. Example of why quitting works.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

If he can give up on his ambitions and got to where he's got, you can give up on yours.

[D]

We all should.

[C]

I've been trying so hard with this dang phone and I didn't realize I just need to cut my arms off.

[A]

Yeah, that's what. Take the easy route. There's always an easier way. And you have to remember that. Give up now and be happy forever.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

There you go. Text into 78592 and you can tell us what you thought about the song of the week or text in what goal you're gonna ditch today. Okay. We're gonna post the video up on all of our social Brooke and Jeffrey. You can find it there with all the lyrics and share it with your motivated friends to get them to give up, too.

[C]

Yeah, they're more fun when they're not trying.

[A]

Exactly. So that's your song of the week. We're gonna do a phone tab coming up right after this. We're talking to a familiar listener of the show today, a friend of the show show that I would say, Katie, who we call every December or January to find out how her trip to Maui went.

[D]

That's right, Katie.

[A]

Now, Katie, you know, I went there a couple weeks ago, so why didn't you and I link up and grab some lava flows together on a patio veranda?

[C]

Totally.

[A]

Yeah. What were you busy doing?

[G]

Well, nude beach.

[C]

Wait, yeah. Was.

[D]

So that's where he was.

[A]

His was a dude beach.

[C]

That's different than. Maybe she was just disappointed in what she saw and she didn't want to approach him.

[G]

You know, my pan is fading. I just got back and it's so sad.

[A]

Me too. I feel like I've forgotten what the sun looks like already. So.

[C]

Seriously, it's just a dark backside, you know?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Also forgot.

[A]

Stop bringing up my naked form. That's on your mind. We got to get you out of this studio so we can get to the game. Now, Katie, you have played Brooks seven times. You've won three, lost three, and tied once. Let's get you another victory here today to start off exactly.

[G]

Thank you.

[A]

You ready to do this? You got 30 seconds on the clock to answer as many questions as possible. If you don't know when you could say pass. But you have to beat her outright if you want to win. Here we go. Your time starts now. Today is National Apricot Day. What west coast state produces 95% of the US's apricots?

[G]

California.

[A]

What's the only number that's spelled in alphabetical order? 20, 30 or 40?

[G]

40.

[A]

During the wizard of Oz, Dorothy's house fell on the Wicked Witch of what? The east on an hourglass. What's the name of the middle skinny portion?

[G]

The neck.

[A]

In 1901, which President officially named the White House?

[G]

Oh.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Let's go around the room.

[F]

Don't tell Brooke what the answer was.

[E]

Wow.

[C]

Applause. Yeah, I got applause. I don't. You can't see. But Jeff was even standing ovation that you got when I walked in.

[D]

Obscure politicians.

[A]

Just what was happening. Katie, it says here, for your New Year's resolution our producer took down that you want to be happy and smile more.

[G]

That's right.

[C]

Be nice, good friend. How do you think you're going to do it?

[A]

Well, even just shopping, you just chat.

[G]

With the people behind you in front of you, pay it forward.

[D]

Nice compliment I like to do is just tell people I really like that shirt.

[A]

The problem is Katie goes to nude beaches, so that's a tough thing to compliment.

[D]

I like your.

[G]

You can say, I like your. I like your toe ring.

[D]

Oh, you're her toe ring.

[A]

I'll defer to you, Katie.

[D]

This is wild.

[A]

All right, Katie, you sit tight. We're gonna have Brooke answer some questions here. Brooke, you ready?

[C]

I'm ready.

[A]

Your time starts now. Today is National Apricot Day. What west coast state produces 95% of the US's apricot?

[C]

California.

[A]

What's the only number that's spelled in alphabetical order? 20, 30 or 40?

[C]

40.

[A]

During the wizard of Oz, Dorothy's house fell on the Wicked Witch of what?

[C]

The west on an hourglass.

[A]

What's the name of the middle skinny portion?

[C]

The waist.

[A]

In 1901, which President officially named the White House?

[D]

Get ready to clap.

[C]

Garfield. President Garfield. Why do we have to boo?

[A]

Katie had a much better guess for that. So we loved it.

[D]

It riled the room up.

[A]

Anyway, you'll find out in a second. But now we have to go over to the scoreboard to see how you both did with Jose. Good. Then get the hell out of my life. Who needs you?

[E]

Beat it.

[A]

Leave me alone.

[E]

I love Adam.

[D]

Sailor. Katie, you got four correct act today. Great work. And I like your shirt. Yes, you Only got three.

[E]

Yay.

[C]

God, it was all that toe ring talk. It threw me off.

[A]

Katie, Katie, congratulations. Back from vacation. Thank you. You both to get your fourth victory of all time.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And you did it without wearing pants.

[A]

So impressive. Let's go over the answers for everybody. It's National Apricot Day. The west coast state that produces 95% of them is California. Of course, only number that's spelled in alphabetical order would be 40. F, O, R, T, Y.

[C]

That one was a heart. Why was that so? It broke my brain for a second.

[A]

During the wizard of Oz, Dorothy's house falls on the wicked witch of the East. And during the rest of the movie, she chases after the wicked witch of the West. That's why on an hourglass, the name of the middle skinny portion is the way we also accepted the next.

[D]

Yeah, you both got that right.

[A]

And in 1901, the president who officially named the White House was President Theodore Roosevelt. She guessed James K. Polk. Just an amazing guest. You just never hear that answer. Katie, you're. You're a joy to have on the show. Thank you. Congratulations. You win. So you get a hundred dollars. Plus, just for playing, we're giving you a pair of tickets. The final pair of tickets. We have to see Ed Sheeran perform Aug. 1 at Lumen Field.

[G]

Oh, thank you so much.

[C]

And with your money, you can buy one T shirt.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, you flex that toe ring, Katie, and have a great day. We're gonna come back and win Brooks bucks same time on Monday.