Episode Overview

Podcast: Building Resilience
Host: Leah Davidson
Episode Title: Builder or Wrecker: The Power of Words and Nervous System Cues
Release Date: April 16, 2025

This episode delves into how the words we choose—and the energy behind them—play a crucial role in our relationships and nervous system health. Leah explores the “builder vs. wrecker” concept, examining how communication impacts others not just through language, but also through nervous system cues. The episode is filled with practical strategies for becoming more intentional with your words and presence, offering guidance on cultivating both personal and relational resilience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Builder vs. Wrecker Concept

• Metaphor Explanation:
  Leah compares words to a hammer: "The hammer can be used to construct a safe, beautiful home. Or it can destroy something." (03:00)
  Builders use words to uplift and support, while wreckers (often unintentionally) use sharp, dismissive, or sarcastic language that can cause harm.
• Not Just for Kids:
  This framework, often used with her children, is equally powerful for adults in everyday interactions.
• Role Fluidity:
  "We are all a mix of both builder and wrecker... we've all played both roles." (07:15)

2. Wrecking by Silence

• Forms of Wrecking:
  Wrecking communication isn’t always about what’s said. Ignoring, ghosting, and silence can also cause harm.
• Real-Life Example:
  Leah shares a friend's frustration about being ghosted by a company, highlighting how silence sends wrecking messages (10:10).

3. Communication and the Nervous System

• Beyond Words:
  Communication is influenced by both parties’ nervous systems. "Communication doesn't just happen in your brain. It happens between two nervous systems at minimum." (12:40)
• Cues of Safety vs. Danger:
  Our nervous systems unconsciously scan interactions for cues signaling "Am I safe or am I in danger?" Pre-verbal cues (tone, body language, energy) often carry more weight than words.
• Misinterpretation Risks:
  Even well-intentioned comments can backfire if the other person's nervous system is dysregulated.

Memorable Quote:

"You may have had an experience where somebody said, 'I didn't say that,' or 'that's not what I said,' but you know that their tone and body language and facial expression and energy is communicating something different than their words."
— Leah Davidson (15:40)

4. Co-Regulation

• Definition:
  "Co-regulation is when one person's nervous system helps regulate another person's... It's really how babies will calm down in parents' arms." (17:00)
• Limits of Influence:
  "You are not responsible for somebody else's nervous system... You are responsible for your own energy, your own words, your own intentions, your own vibe, how you show up." (18:45)
• Why Kindness Isn’t Always Received:
  Even empathetically-delivered words may be perceived as threats by people stuck in survival mode.

5. Practical Strategies: Becoming a Builder

Leah offers six strategies for "building" communication:

1. Start with Connection:
   Anchor conversations in warmth and intention. "Pause, breathe, and regulate yourself before you dive in." (21:10)
2. Use Grounded Language:
   Avoid absolute statements like "always" or "never." Speak from personal experience: "This is how I feel. It may not be the truth or what you intended, but it is still how I feel." (23:05)
3. Regulate Yourself First:
   Prioritize self-check-ins and nervous system regulation before speaking. "All communication should be immersed in regulation. Hard to do, but that's what we're aiming for." (25:30)
4. Be Curious, Not Certain:
   Replace assumptions with questions. "Curiosity keeps the door open. Certainty can slam it shut." (27:20)
5. Acknowledge Without Fixing:
   Sometimes being seen and heard is enough: "We often want to be seen and heard, but forget to give others that gift." (29:15)
6. Set Boundaries Without Blame:
   Take responsibility for your own boundaries without shifting blame. E.g., "I want to talk about this, but I need to feel safe too. Can we take a break and try this again in a bit?" (30:45)

Notable Quote:

"Curiosity keeps the door open. Certainty can slam it shut."
— Leah Davidson (27:20)

6. Handling Difficult Responses

• Resilience is Key:
  Even if you do everything “right,” others may respond defensively due to their own unprocessed emotions or chronic dysregulation.
• Check In with Yourself:
  Focus on your own intentions and regulation rather than taking responsibility for others' reactions. "Are you intentionally trying to be a builder? Because that really is enough." (33:00)
• Embrace Imperfection & Self-Compassion:
  Expect to make mistakes. "Being a builder... isn't about being perfect. It's about being intentional and compassionate and curious and honest... Give yourself a break too. Lots of self-compassion, lots of grace." (34:20)

7. Episode Summary

• Your Words Hold Power:
  "Your words really hold the power to build or wreck relationships. So we want to choose them wisely." (35:00)
• Lead with Safety and Intention:
  Regulated communication from your end fosters connection—even if it's not reciprocated immediately.
• Final Invitation:
  Leah encourages listeners to strive for builder communication, practicing self-compassion and resilience.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Our words build or they break. And most of us don't even realize which one we're doing." — Leah Davidson (00:10)
• "Riggers (wreckers) exist by not saying things too. They can quietly fly under the radar by saying nothing." (09:40)
• "You are not responsible for somebody else's nervous system... Your job is to speak from safety, lead with compassion, and own your own impact, but not their reaction." (18:45)
• "Even when it's hard, even when it's not returned... Every time you choose to show up with a bit more safety, you're making your relationships a little bit stronger, and you're building your own resilience." (37:00)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:10 — Introduction to the builder/wrecker concept
• 03:00 — The hammer metaphor and the power of words
• 07:15 — Recognizing everyone embodies both roles
• 10:10 — Wrecking by silence and ghosting
• 12:40 — Nervous systems and communication
• 15:40 — Tone and nonverbal cues vs. spoken words
• 17:00 — Explanation of co-regulation
• 18:45 — Responsibility for your own nervous system
• 21:10 — 6 strategies for being a builder
• 25:30 — Self-regulation before communication
• 27:20 — Curiosity over certainty
• 29:15 — Acknowledging without fixing
• 30:45 — Boundary-setting without blame
• 33:00 — Handling others' difficult responses
• 35:00 — The foundational power of words and safety

Summary in the Host's Own Tone

Throughout the episode, Leah Davidson brings warmth, practicality, and gentle encouragement. She reminds listeners that being a “builder” is an evolving practice, not a standard of perfection, and that every effort toward compassionate communication strengthens both personal resilience and the fabric of our relationships.

Listeners are left with actionable steps, a sense of grace for their own imperfections, and an invitation to build safety—one conversation at a time.