← Building Resilience
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- [00:00]
A
Ever thought that the secret to a thriving relationship and a healthier mind lies behind the shower curtain? I want you to join me today as I explore with a special guest how sharing this daily ritual can deepen conversations, connections, spark creativity and invigorate your nervous system. Ready to dive in? Welcome to the Building resilience podcast. Episode 224 Share Shower, strengthening Bonds and Boosting well being welcome to Building Resilience, a podcast where theory, practical strategies and inspiring stories show you how to unlock your best life. I'm your host, Leah Davidson. As a certified life coach, speech language pathologist and nervous system resilience expert, it is my mission to teach you how to be more resilient to life's adversities. I will show you how to manage your mind, befriend your nervous system, process your emotions and even eliminate stress. It's time to do more than just survive. It's time to thrive. Let's get started. I am so excited to share this interview with you, but before I do, a couple of exciting things are happening. If you have been looking for a way to dive deeper into nervous system work, find a support, supportive and fun community, then you will definitely want to check out my new community, the Nervous System Journaling Club. It is a space for you to learn about your nervous system, explore some journaling, some doodling and be part of a growing and supportive community. So the link is in the show notes and if you haven't already done so, I want you to also make sure you get my guided journal called Resilience. It is a mental health journal for emotional well being and nervous system care. It's available on Amazon and actually in the Nervous System Journaling Club there's a course that walks you through more in depth what the journal is all about. So it's a perfect combination. The link for that is also in the show notes. Okay, let me get back to my guests. This is a fun episode. I want to introduce you to my friend and colleague, Netta Talmore. Now we talk about how we met in the interview, so I'll just share with you a little bit more about her here. She is the creator of the Momentum Makers and no Hassle website and she makes it possible for non techie female coaches and entrepreneurs to grow their business, have greater impact and make more money with integrity by empowering them with a no hassle strategy, teaching them the necessary tactics and supporting them through the implementation to reach the results they want. So let's jump right in with our conversation. I hope you enjoy this episode. All Right. I am so excited to have this guest and I want to welcome Neta to Building Resilience podcast. Can you give us just a 30 second, 30 second intro about you? Hello dear.
- [03:12]
B
I'm so excited to be here. And yes, I am Neta Tamore. I'm the creator of no Hassle website and all things no hassle. And I help female online entrepreneurs build their online businesses. And, and my way of doing it differently is that I remove the hassle, I make things simple, I simplify things at very uber affordable prices. So that's kind of how I do things a little bit differently than others.
- [03:39]
A
Oh, I love it. And we're not going to be talking about all that today, but I will put a plug in like you are incredible when you talk about no Hassle just blows my mind. So anybody out there building online business, female entrepreneurs, you need to know Netta and there's so much access to her. But anyhow, all that will be in the show notes. But I want to share. It's a fun topic. I'm so excited to talk about this topic. So Netta and I, we actually met very recently. We went to a mastermind together in Vienna of all places, only to sort of sit close to each other, find out that we're both from Toronto. And we had this crazy thing in common. We were chatting with another masterminder who was getting married and both Nada and I experienced marriage people. I guess we've been married. How long have you guys been married?
- [04:38]
B
Netta, we've been together for 30 years. That's right.
- [04:41]
A
Okay, so we know what we're talking about. And Rob and I have been married for 17 and one of the things that we both said is. Oh, we know like one of the secrets to.
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B
It's the secret.
- [04:53]
A
The secret to a super healthy marriage. And so people around were like, what? And it ended up being the same secret. And it's not a secret that most people talk about. So we are going to be sharing it with you today. We're going to be letting in.
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B
Oh, the tease. Leah, the teas.
- [05:11]
A
The tease. Nada. Why didn't you tell us what is the secret to. The secret to a healthy.
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B
Secret to a healthy marriage is showering together every day. In our case, twice a day.
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A
I know that, that, okay, that, that was a bit much.
- [05:30]
B
I was like, I don't know if I can handle that.
- [05:32]
A
But you know what's, what's crazy about it is there's actually science behind why showering is so powerful. And that's why I want to talk about shower power. Really. It has huge benefits for our relationships, for our creativity, for our mood, and of course, for our nervous system. Let's talk about showering together. I know that back on I did a podcast episode, I think it was last year or the year before when my husband and I were celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary and we were going through and giving like our secrets for a healthy marriage. And one of the ones that he said in that episode, I can link it in the show notes, is to shower together. And he brought it up and he said now everybody goes to the idea of like, oh, intimacy. He's like, which that's very important, of course. But we're talking about more than just intimacy. We're talking about there's other benefits of showering together. So let's start us off with your theory of why showering together is the secret.
- [06:35]
B
Okay, just one thing before. I do think it's very much about intimacy, but it doesn't need to be physical intimacy. It's the intimacy that we get in the shower.
- [06:44]
A
I was just trying to be polite that when people's minds go to showering.
- [06:48]
B
I know it's the first.
- [06:49]
A
My kids, they're like, ah, showering. I'm like, okay, guys.
- [06:53]
B
Yeah. You see because you, your kids were a little older when you and Rob got married. My kids grew up like we would have the babies in the. Because we were both in the shower, we couldn't leave them so they would be in, in the room. And so they've been used to it. They never, it's just, we just say we're going to take a shower. That's what we say. It's not like mom is going to what, what is happening. If I would say I'm going in, my husband would be sitting there. It would be weird for my kids who are teenagers now. But so the main advantage I think, and the reason we love it so much is because it's quiet time. And for us, as I said at the beginning of the day and the end of the day, it's just our special time. 10, 15 minutes, just us talking, sharing our thoughts, what we're going to do today, quiet time, relaxed and just again, the best ideas, discussing business ideas, trips, the kit, everything goes into those quick 15 minute chats that are such high quality chats usually, strange as it may sound. So that's how we start the day. And we even like both work from home. So it's not like something happens, but we're just like, hi, bye. I go to my Desk. And he goes to his desk. But it's different because we're there together and we start the day off like that. And then at the end of the day for us it's how was your day? Basically we don't ask that. We just go to the show or we can be, we can sit at dinner and we want to talk about something we're like, oh, we'll talk about in the shower.
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A
That's our shower agenda.
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B
Exactly. The shower agenda for today is this and. And combining that with the fact that showering is one of the. My favorite things in the world.
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A
Right.
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B
Is just really a wonderful combo. I just have to tell you so often, I mean it like once a week at least during the shower I say something like, isn't to my husband, isn't the shower the best thing? Can you believe it? Hot water comes out of the wall and yeah, like it's such luxury. It's so simple, but it's such luxury. And we really enjoy that part as well. And we talk about how fortunate we are to have hot water come out of the wall at. Well, so that's how I see it. That's my non scientific explanation.
- [09:25]
A
Yeah, well you touched on so many things that really you're talking about. It's what we talk about nervous system here. It's called co regulating with each other. You're being able to regulate yourselves by being in the presence of each other in very intimate surroundings. And it's very calming to the nervous system. I think the other piece is there is something about that sensory experience of having water, the warmth of the water which helps release, lowers your stress and releases oxytocin and does all those things for those benefits. And then like you said, I love that it brings gratitude into your life of recognizing the very simple things that we, let's face it, we take that for granted. Like how many times you turn on your shower and stand there like praising, like it's amazing that water flows. Usually if you haven't had that right, you'll come back and you'll have that appreciation. But I love that it's the opportunity to appreciate. Appreciate.
- [10:25]
B
This is why I know that I mentioned that we shower twice a day. To me it's so normal that showering once feels like ew, like who are these people? Why don't they shower twice now? No, almost no one showers twice. At least not in Canada a day. To me that's a minimum. Right? That's, that's a minimum. And they're also different showers. I have to say so morning shower is to start the day. So I don't drink coffee, for example. People.
- [10:52]
A
Okay.
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B
But in and out of the shower and I'm, you know, I'm all ready for the day. And the evening shower is to clean yourself. So I would never go into bed without showering. Two different showers. So yeah, that also psychologically I think is.
- [11:09]
A
Well, it does. It's a routine thing too. I can see that. Like we shower in the morning and like you had said earlier, it's that undistracted time that focus on just each other going through what's your day like, what's happening. Just that pure time to connect with each other. In the evenings, we have different kind of rituals. I love taking a bath, so I am a bath person. And that ends up being a time to just relax for me. Rob is usually listening to music and now that we're empty nesters, he's listening to music really loudly. So I can hear it in the bath. And sometimes I'm like, turn that one, play that one again. I love that. But I do think, think it is like there's a ritual piece to it. And I think that shared rituals really help bond you together. Like there. It helps improve your relationship satisfaction overall. So I appreciate that.
- [12:06]
B
Recommend two showers.
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A
Two showers a day? Yes.
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B
Because think about, you have that luxury and you can do it twice a day. Why not?
- [12:15]
A
I know I would spend even more time. Some people may be concerned about the water usage, but.
- [12:20]
B
Okay, so true. I totally agree. I would say that our actual time that the water is running is around seven minutes. I think it's okay. It's not too bad. But it's truly a luxury. Like I feel that it is something that I consume and I don't like to consume a lot of things that I'm aware. But it's my really. I cannot do without it.
- [12:43]
A
I think. Right. It's for your mental health too.
- [12:45]
B
Exactly, exactly. You're gonna tell me not to shower and what will happen?
- [12:50]
A
Well, I sort of laugh because, you know, I've had lots of teenagers in the house and young adults, when they return back home, their definition of a quick shower is nowhere near my definition of a quick shower. Like I think they. And maybe that comes from. They don't have the experience of paying water bills or anything like that. But we're the same thing. Like showering it is. Is a long shower for us is that would be like that 10 minutes. Where I've noticed with like younger generation or my kids, like a short shower is anything under 15 minutes where I'm just, oh, my gosh, stop it. But I think it also, it's the connection with each other. The connection, the conversation, the being able to have that intimate time. And then you also mentioned it's like how you feel, your mood. You don't have coffee. You have a way that the end of the day, it's very cleansing, very ritual. And I think it does speak to the mood and that things like warm water can reduce stress hormones, and it can improve your overall mood. What are your thoughts, though, on the benefits of showering for creativity? Because that's another one that often comes up.
- [14:06]
B
Yes, definitely. Idea. I just want to say by default, we always shower together, but there are probably a couple of showers during the week that we miss each other or something that doesn't happen for whatever reason. And. But I would say that in both cases, for me, creativity usually comes in work. So new, like business ideas, new product. That's creativity for me. My husband is an actual artist, so his creativity is different. But definitely ideas come to mind there and we discuss it there. And I. So for both, we're both creative at the same time to think and support each other with ideas or things we want to try. Definitely, 100%. When I have that kind of quiet time, whether it's the water or just being, like you said, the. The steam and all of those sensations, no doubt, they create. They open something.
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A
Yeah.
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B
And I come up with ideas. Sometimes I have to get out of the shower and literally write something down so I don't forget it.
- [15:07]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the creativity can be, even creatively when you're together, if you have challenges or problems, I find that even we come up with, okay, what are we going to do about this situation? Well, let's do that. We can manage some conflicts, deal with some problems. And maybe it's also because we usually do the shower in the morning, so we've had a full night's sleep, which, you know, you've had time to process emotions, think things through, and then we get in the shower and it's sort of like this. Here's what happened during the night in my mind. Let me unload it and share. But then the alone part, I do find, again, showering. We know. And there's a difference, too, between a very hurried shower. Like, I'm not going to get my creative ideas. If I'm like, okay, I got to go, hurry. Next thing, I have an appointment. But just having a little bit of that slow it down pace, then it can help relax Me. And then when I'm relaxed, that's where my brain can be free to wander and come up with different ideas, problem solve, creative insights. And there's something also very rhythmic about the shower. Just even like it's almost like a white noise effect.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And just being able to let my brain wander and take it in that I can see, it's like creating these connections and sometimes like it will be these light bulb moments. And a lot of times water is tied to light bulb moments.
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B
I like the word unload that you use. Definitely we unload in the shower. So like, you know. Yeah, this is what I have like brain dump.
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A
Right.
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B
Like we clean the brain as well. Think about it that way.
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A
Yeah, yeah. Very powerful. Especially as a couple, individually. And then the last piece that I was thinking of, the benefits of showering is really all about invigorating the nervous system. So there's two kind of things we can have it where it's a calming state where you're co regulating with your partner, you're coming up with creative ideas. It's warm, it's invigorating, the rhythmic motion and the sound of the water. And then we can also do it where there's like a challenge to the nervous system. And this is where cold showers come into play. Now I know for you, you're already shaking your head. This is a hard no, no.
- [17:33]
B
I think I can handle it better than my husband, for example, with cold water, but I would never do it.
- [17:40]
A
Yeah. Well, let me share with you a little bit about why cold showers are a thing, why cold exposure is a thing. Generally, the idea is that as much as we want to do things to regulate our nervous system and co regulate and keep ourselves clean, we do know that in everyday life we are going to be impacted by stressors and we're going to have a reaction. So one of the reasons, not the only reason, there's lots of other reasons for cold exposure, but one of the reasons is we are deliberately stressing the system, your nervous system, in a safe place. Hopefully in the shower, you're turning the cold up. You are going to have a reaction like I always do, a little high pitch, like, oh, that's cold. And what that does is it activates my sympathetic nervous system which is going to increase all the hormones related to that. And as I'm standing in the cold water, I build that stress tolerance because I try to, all right, change my breath, slow it down a little bit, relax my body. I like to try to do some cognitive tasks because I know that's beneficial to just think of counting backwards or counting or doing something so that my system is in a stress state, but trying to access my thinking skills as well. And so I'm teaching my body how to regulate more effectively when it's put under stress. So that's one of the reasons. Now, there's other reasons that they talk about that cold showers can help reduce symptoms of depression, and they can help boost your mood and increase alertness and mental clarity. I think that one's kind of like go splash cold water in your face can instantaneously increase your alertness and mental clarity. And I'm not talking necessarily about, like, jumping in a cold shower and being there for, you know, 20 minutes. I think the recommended dose per se is 11 minutes spread over a week. So that could be just a couple of minutes here or there. I know what I recommend and what I try to do is I have my shower and then turn it down as cold as I can tolerate it. And I build on that. Right. So cold.
- [19:59]
B
And then you go hot again after.
- [20:01]
A
No, no.
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B
Okay. Yeah.
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A
That's the part you don't like. I know, but as cold as I can tolerate. And. And it will get colder because. And it also depends on your state of when you get in. Like, sometimes there's no way I'm gonna be able to do it. I already know I'm active, activated, and cold water is just going to put me over the edge. Other times it's easier to do. So I can make it colder. I can do. Instead of 30 seconds, I can push it to a minute to two minutes at the end of the shower. I can move around in the shower. I do change my breathing, engaging all that cognitive skills, which I know sounds crazy. It makes the shower so not fun if I'm like, repeating a poem or doing math equations or anything. But what I'm trying to do do is my why behind it is training the brain to stay functional in a stress response.
- [20:52]
B
Okay, I will try. Okay, we'll give it a try. I'll give it a try.
- [20:58]
A
Even if you just do it a couple of times. I think the idea of learning how to do it and tolerate it's the same thing. I don't know if you've ever gone to one of those spas that's like a therapeutic spa. There's all around.
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B
No, I look like a spa person to you?
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A
You totally don't look like a spa person.
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B
I'm thinking more Ju. Jumping to the lake is what I would do.
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A
Okay, I'll give You that although Lake Ontario is really cold, but if you want to, there are people that go down, you can see them every morning and then they do the cold plunge.
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B
And aren't they called like North Pole or what? Yeah, polar.
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A
Yeah, yeah, the polar plunge. But. And like I said, there's other benefits. I. I won't get into all of them. I don't know all of the benefits, but just for the body there's lots. But just particularly for the nervous system, it really is beneficial. So, yeah, tell me. Check it out and you can see.
- [21:51]
B
You will get a report, Leah, you'll get a report. But I think I need to do it alone though, because having two going through the cold shower is too much. I think there will be some screaming and pushing and it's not a good idea.
- [22:05]
A
That's right. That's right. It's not a good idea to do that. But then other benefits just so that we can really push the idea of the shower is it is things like it helps with your sleep. That's one of the reasons why I do my bath in the evening. So it's different. I'm getting back to just regular showering as opposed to cold showering. But even before bed, like warm showers before bed. What it does actually or warm baths is it lowers your body temperature, which kind of seems counterintuitive, but it actually is lowering your body temperature, which we know that your body needs to have a lower temperature to sleep well. So as you take that bath or shower, you're signaling to your body it's time to sleep.
- [22:48]
B
And it's the last thing we do in the day. So we don't do it like we do it really just before bed always.
- [22:55]
A
Yeah. Yeah. It's a great way for your body to get to know that it's heading into that sleep time. The other thing that can help with shower that I know a lot of people, we've talked in the podcast. A couple weeks ago, I had Dr. Howard Schubiner on talking all about chronic pain and illness, that the heat from shower can relax muscles and reduce pain sensitivity. And we also know that cold showers can help reduce inflammation, can help with recovery. I've had clients tell me that the coldness or a cold plunge going to one of these spas where they go around doing. What are they called? The Scandinavian spa, where you go around the cold and there's a circuit and where they say it is so helpful for. For their pain having reduced inflammation and just helps overall.
- [23:47]
B
Yeah, I'm more into hot springs.
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A
Yeah. Oh, that does well too. But for pain, it can be both hot or cold. And then really just this idea of what I mentioned before, kind of grounding your emotions, processing your emotions, that feeling of water, that experience on your body, it can be really used as a way to help regulate your system. And that sensory overload. We have so much stimulation during the day. And then you step into the shower, and it's just the rhythm of the water, the warmth of the water, the connection with your partner. How can help your relationship.
- [24:30]
B
Exactly. And you remember what everyone in the mastermind were like, what about the logistics? What about the logistics?
- [24:37]
A
Okay, that was my next. Next question. Like, how does this work?
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B
Like, what do you mean? You take off your clothes, you go into the shower. I don't understand. What logistics are we talking about? Then it got into laser hair removal.
- [24:53]
A
That's right. So the logistics. Yeah. And I get that some people have different process in the shower of, like.
- [25:00]
B
Washing, but I'm just wondering what's going on with their marriage. Can't they just get. Take your clothes off and go in the shower?
- [25:07]
A
Yeah. Yeah. So I would say if. Logistically, I get it. Some people, like, I'm not interested in showering and cleaning in front of my partner, but at least having a time then where you do connect in the shower, I think it is beneficial. But I'm gonna take the approach that. I get why some people are resistant, but I think it's really helpful. The other pushback I think people have is, like, well, I have kids. How do I make this work? Work like this.
- [25:34]
B
But in what sense? Like, feeling uncomfortable doing it with the.
- [25:37]
A
Kids or I think for the logistics of somebody's got to be with the kids. And I think you. You brought. What your solution was. Well, the kids came in the bathroom when they were younger, and hopefully now they're teenagers. I'm imagining.
- [25:48]
B
Yeah. And they're not. No. Like, I. We.
- [25:53]
A
I would have the.
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B
What do you call the thing where you put the lip?
- [25:55]
A
Like the car seat or the bouncy.
- [25:57]
B
Yeah, exactly. We would bring it into the shower.
- [25:59]
A
Yeah.
- [26:00]
B
And then we would have the door open and here. But you can always just walk out of the shower.
- [26:07]
A
Yeah. Like you said, our kids when we got married were between three and nine. And so there was. We didn't quite have the come in the bouncy chair, although we had. We only had one main bathroom in our house. So with five kids, let me tell you, there was a lot of different things going on as the kids were younger. Brushing teeth, doing hair. Somebody was doing something. Somebody was in the shower. Usually not us, though, but just even things like our kids just knew we're showering. And I think this is a time if you're going to put your kid in front of the TV, which often we do as our babysitters. TV, iPad, go take a shower together or make a shower date. Maybe it doesn't have to be every day if you're in the thick of things or get up earlier or shower after the kids have gone to bed or something like that.
- [26:58]
B
Yeah. Just like with the cold water, though. What I tell people is my marriage or relationship advice is try it for 30 days, come back to me.
- [27:06]
A
That's right.
- [27:06]
B
No one has ever come back to me. By the way.
- [27:10]
A
Either they haven't done it or they agree that the 30 days works.
- [27:14]
B
Yeah, no, no, I don't think they've done it. I don't think people do it. Well, I think I know only one other couple. They're older, significantly older, and they, they're amazing. From what we know about other people's relationship. They're. They're. They have a wonderful marriage and they've been together for like 60 years or something like that at this point. And they take showers together. So that was always a good kind of proof for me. And then I met you and that's it. I know.
- [27:43]
A
There we go, another one. Yeah. And the last thing I will say for your kids, that I think it's important that kids see parents prioritizing their relationship in so many different ways. I often hear about parents who will never leave their kids for certain things. And we all have our comfort levels. Some people don't want to leave their kids when they're going out or go on vacation or do something. They want to do things as a family. But I think kids always do need to see their parents prioritizing their relationship. And this is a really easy way to do it. It doesn't cost you money. You don't have to get extra sitters. You don't have to leave them for weeks at a time. And it's consistent.
- [28:26]
B
This is exactly true for us. We have been in Canada for 18 years, but immigrants to Canada, no family. My kids have never ever even once had a babysitter. And we couldn't afford it when they were young and no grandparents or any anyone to help. So everything was done together. And, and, and I do believe it's true. This was always. Because we don't go on date. We never go on dates because we couldn't when the kids Were younger and just became so I do agree. Without thinking about that. It's. It was our little daily date, twice a day. Little snuck a date without officially calling it a date.
- [29:06]
A
Yeah. And I think you're not alone in there's. For various reasons. Either they just logistically can't or you're not have family to watch or just comfort levels. But I think this is something that you can integrate in your life. And not only is it beneficial for your relationship, it's beneficial for your kids to see that you are a couple in addition to being an individual, in addition to being the parent. You are a couple and you prioritize your relationship. And so we shower together. Any final words on the power of the shower?
- [29:42]
B
The power of the. No. I think I shared my philosophy and you shared yours. I really think there's. Maybe we didn't touch on the. The genesis quoi element. We don't know what it is, but there's something magical about doing it. It's just it something happens that maybe science can't exactly explain or we can put in words. But when you do it, that feeling, that bond and the relationship, I think it's. It's. And like you said, an ideal way. Cheap, easy, in your house, convenient, takes 10 minutes a day, literally. And it can really turn things around or elevate them.
- [30:21]
A
Yeah. So it's the magical power of the shower.
- [30:25]
B
Yes, exactly.
- [30:26]
A
Yes. I love it. Nada. Thank you so much for being here and sharing this.
- [30:32]
B
Friend, my bestie.
- [30:34]
A
Can you tell people where to find you? Because we didn't talk just at the beginning. I really want to encourage people. If you are in the business world, online world, what you offer will blow people away. Honestly, it blew me away and I'm a super fan. So share with people how they can find you.
- [30:56]
B
So the easiest way is to go to my main website called no hassle website.com. as simple as that. You can see this is my like my main product where everything started. It's a plug and play website. But you can also just go to the contact there. If you want to contact me. You could write and just address it to me or mention my name. It's assigned to me by my team. And then you could go also to the momentum makers dot com. And that is my monthly membership for online entrepreneurs where we focus on one project every month, just for three days. We get more things done in those three days than most get. Not only during the month, but many times during the year. And we do that every month. Three days. I give you everything. You don't have to prepare. You come, you show up, I give you the strategy of what we're doing, the tactics, and we implement it together. And it just makes people feel so, so good and accomplished and it, it pushes and grows their business and brings momentum to it. So that's. Those are the easiest ways.
- [31:59]
A
It's amazing. And I know that I don't know when this episode airs, but I know that my website is gonna be transforming to a no hassle website. It was just perfect timing. My website was very due for an upgrade and it is so easy. So really encourage people to reach out. Thank you for being here. Happy showering.
- [32:22]
B
Thank you to everyone. Thank you dear.
- [32:25]
A
Take care. Thank you for listening to the Building Resilience podcast. If you're interested in learning a little bit more about managing stress, building resilience, and leading a more purposeful life, then make sure we're connected on Instagram and Facebook @leah davidsonlife coaching. You can also subscribe to my weekly newsletter at www.leahdav. forward/newsletter. Looking forward to connecting.