Podcast Summary: Building Resilience

Episode 221: Through Their Lens – How Your Nervous System Shapes Relationships
Host: Leah Davidson
Date: March 12, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Leah Davidson, a nervous system resilience coach and speech-language pathologist, dives into how our nervous systems profoundly shape the way we experience relationships—with children, partners, colleagues, and even ourselves. Leah describes nervous system “filters” that color our perceptions and reactions, explaining why we and others sometimes behave in confusing or unhelpful ways. Through practical examples, she offers actionable tools to recognize and respond to nervous system patterns in daily life, ultimately fostering more understanding, compassion, and connection.

Main Themes & Key Discussion Points

1. The Invisible “Glasses” of the Nervous System

(03:41–06:40)

• Leah illustrates that each of us sees the world through a unique, invisible filter shaped by our past experiences—trauma, joys, messages from family and culture.
  • “It’s like your phone camera has filters... your nervous system is like a filter you can’t turn off. It colors everything you see, everything you experience, everything that you feel.” (04:28)
• Most people aren’t aware they're wearing these “glasses” and mistake their perspective for objective reality.
• Example: People repeating unhealthy relationship patterns are not simply “blind” to their circumstances; their nervous system seeks what is familiar.

2. How Early Experiences Shape Relationship Patterns

(06:40–09:55)

• Chaos in childhood can set us up to seek chaos later in life.
• Conditional love or parental inconsistency primes us to work for affection or feel uncomfortable with stability.
• Families that avoid conflict or see it as danger teach us to either avoid disagreements or equate conflict with passion.
  • “All these examples, your nervous system is trying to protect you from what it learned was unsafe.” (09:33)

3. Understanding Isn’t Excusing

(09:55–10:46)

• Leah stresses that recognizing nervous system patterns isn’t about excusing harmful behavior but about seeing the “fuller, more complete picture.”
  • “Knowing that someone is wearing sunglasses doesn’t make the bump hurt less, but it might change how you respond.” (10:16)
• This understanding helps us respond intentionally, rather than reacting out of frustration.

4. Detecting Nervous System States in Real Life

(10:47–12:18)

• Leah describes four key nervous system states:

  • Team Hyper (Fight/Flight): Defensiveness, anger, anxiety, restlessness, overthinking.
  • Team Hypo (Shutdown/Freeze): Disconnection, brain fog, collapse, withdrawal.
  • Freeze: A “deer in headlights” feeling—frozen but with underlying energy.
  • Team Resilient: Present, connected, engaged, curious.
    • “Someone else’s state will influence our own state… they feed each other.” (12:04)

• Being aware of both our own and others' states helps us avoid escalating situations.

5. Practical Tools for Navigating Nervous System Patterns

(12:18–15:26)

a. Nervous System Detection Tool

• Take a 2-second pause when triggered and try to identify which state the other person is in.
• “Just doing this can increase your compassion and prevent unnecessary escalation.” (13:13)

b. Reframe and Shift the Story

• Challenge the narrative you’re telling yourself about someone’s behavior by considering their nervous system state and backstory.
• Example: Instead of “My partner never listens,” shift to curiosity—“Maybe they’re in shutdown state.”

c. Regulate Through Connection

• Adjust your energy to support others in moving toward regulation, rather than matching their dysregulation.
• “Instead of matching someone’s dysregulated state…we can try to offer the energy they need to shift.” (14:26)
• Model calm when others are anxious.

d. Help Others Build Awareness (If Open)

• Gently reflect what you observe in a non-blaming way.
• Instead of “You always get defensive,” try, “I notice this seems really stressful for you. Do you feel that too?”
• “The goal is not to fix people, but to offer them a new way of seeing themselves.” (15:07)

6. Transforming Relationships by Changing Your Lens

(15:27–16:31)

• When you respond differently, the entire relationship dynamic can shift—even if the other person’s behavior doesn’t.
• Increasing curiosity and compassion helps you reclaim your power in relationships.
  • “When you start seeing through the lens of the nervous system, everything changes...it gives you the power to respond instead of reacting.” (15:48)

Memorable Quotes

• “If you grew up in chaos, chaos will feel like home.” — Leah Davidson (05:59)
• “When someone’s behavior triggers you, instead of assuming intent, ask: what might their nervous system be protecting them from?” — Leah Davidson (13:43)
• “Understanding isn’t about excusing—it's about seeing the fuller, more complete picture so you can try to respond intentionally rather than reactively.” — Leah Davidson (09:59)
• “If your child is panicking about homework, instead of just saying, ‘okay, just calm down,’ you can model calm by slowing your own breath and lowering your voice.” — Leah Davidson (14:44)
• “Next time somebody reacts in a way that surprises you, pause. Get curious. Ask yourself: What lens might they be seeing through?” — Leah Davidson (16:17)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:41] – The invisible “glasses” of the nervous system
• [06:40] – Early experiences and repeating relationship patterns
• [09:55] – Understanding isn’t excusing
• [10:47] – Detecting nervous system states
• [12:18] – Four practical tools for navigating patterns
• [15:27] – Shifting relationships by changing responses
• [16:17] – Final recap and encouragement

Tone and Style

Leah maintains a compassionate, supportive tone throughout, normalizing tough emotions while holding space for growth and responsibility. The episode balances relatable stories with neuroscience-informed, practical advice, making complex ideas accessible and actionable.

Takeaways

• We all wear unique nervous system “glasses” shaped by our history.
• Noticing and naming nervous system states in ourselves and others helps us react less and respond more.
• Compassion and curiosity are powerful tools for transforming relationship dynamics.
• Simple shifts in our approach and interpretation can have profound effects, even without changing others’ behavior.