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What happens when two generations love each other but see the same history in completely different ways? If you've noticed more adult children pulling away from their parents, or more parents quietly stepping back from their adult kids, you're not imagining it. The gap is real. And it's not just about hurt feelings or different values. There's a nervous system story, a cultural story, and a human story here that impacts everyone involved. So. So today we're talking about the generational nervous system gap. Why it feels so sharp right now, the pain both sides are carrying, and what the future might hold if the divide continues. And this isn't about blaming one generation or defending the other. It's about trying to understand how we got here, what's at stake if nothing changes, and how to start closing the distance without losing yourself in the process. Welcome to the Building Resilience podcast episode 246 when Gen Z Walks Away the Gen X Parent Perspective welcome to Building.
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Resilience, a podcast where theory, practical strategies and inspiring stories show you how to unlock your best life. I'm your host, Leah Davidson. As a certified life coach, speech language pathologist and nervous system resilience expert, it is my mission to teach you how to be more resilient to life's adversities. I will show you how to manage your mind, befriend your nervous system, process your emotions and even eliminate stress. It's time to do more than just survive. It's time to thrive. Let's get started.
- [01:43]
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Hello everybody. I am so happy to have you here at the podcast. Now before we get started, I just want to remind you that if you are looking for a low barrier community to come and learn more about your nervous system, get connected with like minded people, maybe even do some journaling and doodling. Then make sure you check out my Nervous System Journaling club. When you are in the club you also get to take advantage of some opportunities. Like I have a brand new guide in there that you get for free if you're a member. And it is all about gut health and the nervous system because the nervous system is behind everything that you do, especially anything stress related or chronic illnesses. So I created the IBS Nervous System Reset and while you might not suffer from IBS or irritable bowel syndrome, it all ties back to the nervous system as most things do. So I think you'll find it helpful. Now you can get it for free in the Nervous System Journaling Club or you can purchase just the reset. I'll make sure to put the link in the show notes. So I'm not sure if you have noticed, but it is something that comes up a lot in my membership and in my circle of friends. Many of us are relatively new, empty nesters who are seeing our children grow and fly away. And I share how this can bring up some feelings on my podcast episode 243 I hate my kids, but it's also something that shows up in my social media feed, likely because it's something that is talked a lot about in my world right now, but there seems to be a trend. I'm not sure if you'd call it a trend, and I don't want to sound dismissive by calling it a trend, but it seems that more and more you hear about families becoming estranged, in particular kids not speaking to their parents, and I have read that it is happening more and more, especially with the young generation, particularly Gen Z, which is what most of my kids are. The oldest is kind of on the cusp, but pretty much Gen Z. But they are quicker to set hard boundaries with their parents and sometimes even cutting them off completely. And from what I can see, a lot of posts they're talking about how this is justified and it's often viewed as a form of self preservation and healing. And there seems to be some numbers to support this. There's research out of Cornell University that found 1 in 4 adults in the US are estranged from a family member, and around 1 in 10 are estranged from a parent specifically. Now other surveys of young adults suggest that the split is even sharper with fathers. So roughly a quarter report being estranged with their dads, compared to about 6 to 7% with their moms. So those aren't small numbers. And while they're not numbers exclusive to Gen Z, they show that estrangement is more common than many of us realize. Now what feels different from previous generations is the framing around it. Estrangement has always been around, but it was often hidden. Kind of it was hidden in shame or seen as a sign of failure. Boomers and even many Gen Xers tended to push through unhealthy family dynamics out of duty and reputation or belief that family is family, whereas Gen Z is much more likely to see it as a mental health decision, a boundary, or even about their survival. It's less about betrayal and more about protection, and that is a pretty big cultural shift. Now I don't want this to be too controversial of an episode, and I will say it is no secret that I am a Gen Xer raising Gen Z kids, so I will have certain inherent bias but when I was preparing for this episode, I tried to be as neutral and balanced as possible. The reality is, I hope it will come across on this episode, that nothing is black and white. In fact, we know when things are are black and white or viewed as black and white is actually very activating to the nervous system. So I invite you, whether you're a Gen Xer or a Gen Zer or any other generation boomer, to Millennial that you also keep an open heart and an open mind. So from my Gen X parent perspective and the circles I'm in, many are struggling to understand because many of us spent our kids childhoods juggling work and activities and homework help and family trips and endless log sticks. So then they're looking around and thinking, wait a second, how did we end up here? How is it that I am to blame? Did we really cause that much harm? Or is something else going on? Now, of course I also want to add that I'm making a lot of generalizations and I do understand that not all kids are doing this. Not all parents are these innocent bystanders that are having to send to them. There are unique relationships all around and some are more clear cut than others. But I am hoping we can all be regulated enough to share some perspectives, which of course you are welcome to not agree with. Now from a nervous system perspective, it is always important to remember that safety drives connection. So if someone perceives a relationship as unsafe, whether the threat is real or exaggerated or simply rooted in misinterpretation, their system will naturally push for distance. And we also want to remember that perception and perspective is shaped by so many factors. Past experiences, cultural messaging, even whether someone has learned things in therapy or self help books or even just online or Instagram TikTok because this is the first generation that is immersed in this social media world. And of course we want to remember that we all have sides. We all have blind spots when it comes to our own behavior. So for Gen Z, it seems that mental health conversations are everywhere and that is great news. Emotional language is much more available. More than ever they have been given a vocabulary and they're using it now. This is definitely a strength. But there's also a flip side. Having language doesn't automatically mean you have the maturity or the life experience or even the conflict navigation skills to match the language and vocabulary that you have. And this is often where the start of the clash happens. Gen X grew up in a world with less emotional vocabulary, less focus on self care and a higher tolerance, which is not always a Good thing, and actually sometimes is to their detriment for discomfort and delayed gratification. They were told to toughen up, push through, work hard, and figure it out. And so it makes sense that they brought some of that grit and toughness into their parenting. And we have to hand it to them. They also tried to do better. They read books. They signed their kids up for activities. They showed up to games and recitals and parent teacher nights. They booked the tutors and the trips and the lessons. They tried to give more opportunities and more support than they ever had themselves. They were, and are parenting a very different way than they had been parented. And yet some of those kids raised by these parents now view their childhood through a lens of unmet emotional needs or perceived harm. And in fact, it's very possible that they are interpreting normal parental imperfection as trauma. Now, it's not that harm never happened anywhere, because for sure it did. But in other cases, what's being labeled as toxic might actually be considered the normal friction of growing up with imperfect human parents. Because we don't want to forget that all parents, whether they had good examples of parents or not, are doing this for the first time. They have experienced their own past. They have their own challenges and ghosts to battle. And I have to say that they also were and are parenting in a unique time. And this is something that I don't think we talk enough about. It can be said that there is a trauma of parenting in the modern era, especially when it's met with all this sustained blame for Gen X. Not only are they facing the threat of estrangement for the damage they have done, or if they do not change their ways. Now, the parenting years themselves were particularly challenging. They were dealing with navigating the entitlement that their children have or were raised with. They were competing with devices for attention and respect, something completely foreign and new to this generation, and then even pouring time and energy and money into raising kids who sometimes seemed more like consumers of the family rather than contributors. So now, when those same kids grow up and paint their parents as villains, it can feel like a betrayal layered on top of decades of sacrifice. And it is kind of hard to even name that kind of hurt. It's even harder to heal when the narrative around you keeps telling you that you are the problem. Now, as I mentioned at the beginning, estrangement is nothing new. And we do see that every generation faces a different set of challenges that shape how they parent and how they connect. Gen X came of an age in a world without smartphones. Or constant digital surveillance. So many had more freedom, but less guidance, which was also not always a good thing. Many learned independence the hard way. And they were dealing with economic recessions, a big shift in gender roles, and really the slow disappearance of stable career paths. And that influenced their work ethic and how cautious they are. But Gen Z is growing up in an always on world. They are more connected digitally, but then also many are less connected in person. They've inherited a lot to deal with as well, like climate anxiety, economic instability, and they are constantly bombarded with information about global issues. So both have their scars and both have their strengths that the other may not fully see and appreciate. And both generations can really miss how these differences can create misunderstandings that feel like personal rejection. So boundaries seems to be an area where there is a lot of talk and we need to look at how some boundaries do protect. Some boundaries are needed, but some boundaries, they disconnect too soon. And what is the difference between them then? Well, the difference is the nervous system state in which they're set. When you are regulated, then the boundaries you set can be viewed as bridges. They protect the relationship while keeping the door open. But when you're dysregulated then setting boundaries, they're like walls. They keep the threat out, but they also lock connection out. So both groups are having to look at boundaries they set. Gen Z's are not wrong for caring about their mental health and wanting safety. And Gen Xs are also not wrong in perhaps feeling blindsided and now want to turn around and set their own boundaries with their kids. As I said, it's not black and white. I think we need to be careful which generation to blame and judge because both arrive with their own set of strengths and, and weaknesses. But I think both need to up their level of flexibility, compassion and adaptability. Because if not, I think we can expect to see some more strain. For example, some Gen Z adults will likely face the natural consequences of cutting family off too quickly. They are at risk of losing support systems, of missing shared history, and maybe even realizing that some conflicts were survivable. With more skills and patience. And just like every generation before them, as they become parents themselves, they may feel the complexity of raising children in a high pressure, high distraction world and gain a little bit more compassion and understanding for what their parents faced. They may learn that mistakes will always be made on both sides. Now of course some will come back around wanting reconnection, but the quality of that reconnection will depend on whether both sides have have built the regulation and regulation skills to engage without falling into those old patterns. And then of course, some will be relieved that they no longer have to deal with some dysfunction in their lives. But there's also a ripple effect to consider. There is a long term cost of these ruptures, whether it is estrangement with Gen Z kids or any estrangement that has taken place over multiple generations. If Gen Z chooses to distance, their children may grow up with that grandparents. And then these kids could be missing out on that grounding and belonging and love that stretches beyond their immediate family. Now again, I know that's a generalization, but we can also see that as Gen X ages, there's potential for a different kind of loneliness that they will experience. They'll have less emotional and practical support in later years. So I think both sides have a lot of things to lose, and both sides may only feel the loss in years to come. And then there's this irony. Gen X is the very generation that raised kids to value mental health and personal boundaries. But they may now be starting to use those same values themselves. They are learning from Gen Z, and that is a good thing. What I'm seeing is some Gen Xers are starting to set more healthy boundaries, starting to prioritize themselves, their own well being and their own goals. More and more, Gen X parents are quietly deciding they won't always be the rescuers. They're also actually naming the trauma of being blamed for oftentimes again not always, but oftentimes being imperfect human parents. They're choosing to reclaim their time, their energy and their financial stability. And many are starting to build lives that don't revolve entirely around children who are not interested in investing back into the relationship for whatever reason. So the question is whether these patterns that we're seeing are going to really cause some permanent estrangement, or whether both sides will be able to see what the impact is going to be if they don't start shifting. Now, if you're in this situation, here are some questions that may be worth asking. What's my nervous system state when I think about this relationship? What story am I telling about the other person's intentions and am I living the life I want now, or am I waiting for someone else to change before I allow myself to start living it? Because this conversation isn't just about whether the other person comes back or changes or apologizes or makes amends. It's about how you live in the meantime. That might mean staying open to repair, but it might also mean releasing the need to carry all the weight for the relationship, it might mean naming the hurt you've been holding and choosing not to live under anymore. Your mental health does matter. Your values do matter. Your sense of safety, joy, and belonging. They all matter. But on both sides of the equation, Gen Z and Gen X. Resilience here isn't about pretending that pain doesn't exist or choosing one side of the story to be right. It's about creating a life that's grounded and meaningful and open to connection, while also knowing that you can stand steady if that connection doesn't look the way you hoped. I hope that I shed some light on some perspectives, and as I said, I would talk more about the Gen X perspective since that is where I am. And for sure, by no means do all Gen Xers think like me. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the topic, so drop me a line. I hope you found this helpful and I will see you next time.
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Thank you for listening to the Building Resilience podcast. If you're interested in learning a little bit more about managing stress, building resilience, and leading a more purposeful life, then make sure we're connected on Instagram and Facebook at Leah Davidson Life Coaching. You can also subscribe to my Weekly newsletter at www.leahdavidsonlifecoaching.com Newsletter Looking forward to connect.