Call Her Daddy: "How To Stop People Pleasing"

Host: Alex Cooper
Date: December 21, 2025

Episode Overview

In this solo Sunday Session, Alex Cooper dives deep into the theme of people-pleasing, exploring how the fear of criticism and desire for external validation can distort our sense of self. Drawing inspiration from the self-help book The Courage to Be Disliked and personal experiences, Alex unpacks the traps of people-pleasing, how to navigate criticism, set boundaries, and the liberation found in embracing your authentic self—even at the risk of being disliked. The episode is sprinkled with memorable stories, laughter, and candid advice, tailored especially for women striving to take up more space and live unapologetically.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Genesis: Why Being Disliked Is So Scary

• The Fear of Criticism (02:15 – 06:00):

  • Alex describes lying awake at night, ruminating on her roles in various relationships, and the anxiety that comes with wondering how others perceive her.
  • She picks up The Courage to Be Disliked expecting a light read, but finds it transformative:

    "I became obsessed...I've never gone to bed because I was obsessed." (03:18)

  • She explains how the book asks readers to confront deeply ingrained worry over other people's opinions—a struggle universal in the social media age.

• The Echo Chamber of Feedback: Social Media and Beyond (06:00 – 08:30):

  • Discussion of how even mundane activities, like posting a photo online, can trigger spirals of self-doubt.
  • Alex notes, "We get so in our heads about something that seriously, no one else is really thinking about, right?" (07:15)

Understanding Criticism: Projection vs. Improvement

• Sorting Through Feedback (08:30 – 13:00):

  • Alex reads from Arthur C. Brooks’ Atlantic article, emphasizing the difference between valid criticism and projected insecurities:

    "'The solution is to set up an internal affirmation such as, I don't care what this feedback says about the person giving it and I choose not to see it as a personal attack on me. I will assess it on its face about the matter at hand. Nothing more, nothing less.'" (10:30)

  • Importance of depersonalizing criticism—"It's a helpful approach, one that moves the focus from emotional to analysis..."

• Personal Work Story: Feedback at Her First Job (13:00 – 14:30):

  • She shares how, in her early 20s, criticism from a boss led her to spiral, not self-reflect. Looking back, she laughs at how accurately the note reflected her work (or lack thereof), but at the time, she made it about her self-worth.

Constructive vs. Deconstructive Criticism

• Knowing What to Take On (14:30 – 19:00):
  • Constructive criticism: "Your boss wouldn’t give you feedback if they didn’t think you were capable of taking it." (13:48)
  • Deconstructive, hurtful comments: Called out as mirrors of others’ insecurity.
  • Alex’s tip for handling shady remarks:

    "When someone says something, you can feel they're trying to put you down. I'm always just like: 'What's your point?'" (15:45)

  • She describes how simply questioning the intention behind comments often disarms would-be critics.

The Pitfalls of People Pleasing

• Why Pleasing Everyone Fails (23:32 – 27:00):
  • Chronic people pleasing is equated to losing one’s self:

    "Trying to avoid being disliked is really the same thing as changing your identity for someone else." (25:51)

  • She warns that striving to please everyone leaves you “exhausted” and “resentful”—and fundamentally disconnected from your authentic self.

Favorite Quotes from The Courage to Be Disliked

(30:00 – 34:00)

Alex shares her highlighted passages (paraphrased here):

• On Overestimating Others' Attention:

  “Do other people actually look at you so much? … It seems rather unlikely.” (31:00)

• On the Cost of Appeasement:

  “Wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations … you throw away who you really are and you live other people’s lives.”

• On Freedom:

  “Freedom is being disliked by other people. It is proof that you are living in accordance with your own principles… The cost for freedom … is that one is disliked by other people.” (33:42)

Practical Advice: Building Authenticity & Boundaries

• Taking the First Step (34:00 – 37:00):

  • Alex advocates for “blocking out the noise” as a first step: “Let’s just block out the noise of all these other freaks around us. Step one. Got it. Okay.” (33:35)
  • Admits growth is incremental:

    "It just takes knowing yourself more, and it's still a journey." (21:22)

• A Call for Women to Be Direct (34:00 – 36:00):

  • Encourages women to be bold, assert boundaries, and avoid apologizing for not pleasing everyone, noting that “the courage to being disliked … gives you the ability to stop taking things so personally while also exploring the parts of yourself that you actually want to work on.”

Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes

• On internet criticism and self-identity:

  “I've done the work on myself where I'm like, no, no, no. I know exactly when I read a comment, if I'm like, yeah, you're right. I shouldn't have done that…I was a bitch in that moment. Or, oh, no, that's not true. But it just takes knowing yourself more, and it's still a journey…” (20:57)

• Hard truth about people giving feedback:

  "No one actually gives a fuck that much about you to actually give you constructive criticism half the fucking time ... a lot of this is projection, right?" (08:45)

• On the futility of endless people-pleasing:

  "If you are constantly trying to appease everyone around you, you then have no identity and you lose yourself and you are no one to yourself." (33:09)

• Living authentically:

  “Engaging with the world around you from a place of authenticity… may lead to some people not liking you. That's okay. Them disliking you has no real effect on your life if you don't let it.” (36:25)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:15 – 06:00: Introduction to The Courage to Be Disliked and Alex’s personal struggle with criticism
• 10:30 – 13:00: Distinguishing projection from honest feedback (Atlantic article discussion)
• 13:00 – 14:30: Magazine job anecdote about spiraling from criticism
• 14:30 – 19:00: Constructive vs. deconstructive criticism and how to respond
• 23:32 – 27:00: Why chronic people pleasing is self-destructive
• 31:00 – 34:00: Book quotes that unlocked new perspectives on self-worth
• 34:00 – 37:00: Stepwise approach for reclaiming your identity and embracing being disliked

Listener Q&A – Real Life People-Pleasing Scenarios (41:47 – 54:05)

• 41:47 – 44:00: In-laws reject listener’s mom at Christmas—Alex’s take: "I would then politely go back and decline going to Christmas with them."
• 44:00 – 46:01: College friend spins wild lies—Alex says, “Let her have her moment,” unless the behavior harms you.
• 46:01 – 52:33: Friend’s boyfriend flirts inappropriately—Alex's advice: try a non-threatening conversation or address him directly; be prepared for fallout.
• 54:05 – 56:00: Breaking up with a therapist—Alex normalizes changing therapists as growth and suggests ending things with gratitude and honesty.

Final Thoughts & 2026 Challenge

Alex wraps by challenging listeners to make this the year of authenticity (36:25 – 37:45):

"We are not going to live to appease other people and we are going to live for ourselves this year… What if we just fucking stop? What if we just didn’t do that this year?"

She encourages everyone to reject the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing—the ultimate act of self-love and, paradoxically, the fastest road to real connection and fulfillment.

Tone & Takeaway

Alex’s tone is direct, unfiltered, and empathetic, balancing hard truths with humor and relatability. Through personal stories, sharp observations, and straightforward advice, she invites listeners—especially women—to start living for themselves, accept that not everyone will like them, and find joy in being their real, un-people-pleasing selves.

For further reading:

• The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
• “How To Take and Give Criticism Well” by Arthur C. Brooks, The Atlantic

End of episode summary