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Hi Daddy gang, It is your father. I am so excited that Caller Daddy has officially joined the Sirius XM family. I cannot wait to talk to new guests and continue to share my crazy personal stories and experiences with you every single week. If you want to hear new episodes ad free, subscribe to Sirius XM podcasts plus on Apple Podcasts or visit siriusxm.com podcastsplus to start your free trial today. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Sam Edelman. Okay, when fall starts, I just get so excited. You have new routines, there's new drama, there's new looks, there's all the things. But the best thing to step into fall with is a pair of new boots. Step into fall with Sam Edelman where timeless American elegance meets modern trend on design. This season's collection highlights rich merlot hues, deep neutrals, and western inspired prints that give fall dressing a confident twist. 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And each frozen meal is made with real ingredients and full of flavor. My personal favorite is the Swedish meatballs they slap every single time. So cancel the internal dinner debate and solve dinner dread with Stouffer's. Shop now at your nearest retailer today. Daddy Gang, welcome back to another Sunday session. I am all cozy, even though in Los Angeles currently, just for context, it is about 93 degrees. I'm ready for fall, so I refuse to not be pretend like it's Gilmore Girls weather, but if you start to See a little bit of sweat trickle down my face. Just know I am in pain. But I'm in pain because I refuse to not lean into the aesthetic of fall. Because what the fuck? Sunday morning Fat. This car. L. Every Sunday's F this day. What the. That was pretty good, right? Okay, so I want to talk about something I witnessed the other day that I really couldn't stop thinking about. And so I was on this little weekend getaway with Matt. We were sitting by the pool, I was reading my book, eating some chicken fingers, having a little aperol spritz like I fucking deserve. And all of a sudden, a couple sat down a few seats over next to Matt and I. They were probably in their late 20s, maybe early 30s. I don't know. I wasn't really paying too much attention to them at first. But then within minutes of laying down, the girl told her boyfriend, babe, you need to put on sunscreen. And he didn't do it. So she playfully, kind of sat up and started rubbing it on for him. Now, I hate putting sunscreen on people. I feel like that's a common thing. But, you know, I was like, oh, maybe that's kind of cute. Like, I don't know if I would do that for Matt. No, I would. And I've done it for Matt. But he knows, like, if I have fudgeing fake nails on, don't even think about it because it's going to get in and around there. But you know what? I was like, all right. At first I was like, maybe it's kind of cute that she's doing that for him. But then he asked what their plan was for the night. And this is obviously a place where people are on vacation, right? Like, this is not somewhere that you would be at this little, like, weekend resort because you live here. You're probably here for a vacation that you guys have planned, right? And she went on to remind him that first they're going to be going back around to shower at 5 o' clock in their room. Then they have a hotel happy hour that she scheduled. And then she made a dinner reservation at a nice place in town. And he was like, oh, my gosh. Fuck, babe. Like, I didn't bring clothes for dinner. And literally, without even missing a beat, she was like, yes, you did. I put your nice shirt in your suitcase and I brought a couple extra things in my bag for you. Now, was I fully eavesdropping on this couple maybe? Yes, absolutely. But at that point I was locked in. And also, I feel like that's literally the point of going on vacation half the time is, like, people watching and getting to watch the way that other people interact. I was in full heaven. I was like, keep going. I'm downing my spritz. I'm hoping that they're gonna get in a fight. I'm hoping they're gonna be talking about family drama. Like, I am. I'm elated that I have, like, a little bit of entertainment while I'm reading my smut book. Okay? And so I'm locked in. I start watching, I'm observing, and this man kind of, like, lays down for a poolside nap. And all of a sudden, she sat up, clearly worried about him, and she was like, have you eaten yet? Are you hungry? And he gave kind of like a little half nod. A minute later, this is snoring, and she's flagging down a waiter, ordering him lunch while he's fully falling asleep. Now, at this point, I kind of saw what I needed to see. And again, I could be completely misreading this specific situation, but it made me realize that most likely this girl has fully turned into this boy's mother. And I want to talk about this, because maybe some of you are like, what do you mean, Alex? Like, I've put, you know, sunscreen on my boyfriend before, and I've ordered my boy food, and I pack for my boy. Yeah, maybe. And maybe this is not a, you know, parenting your guy situation, but most likely it is. And I feel this situation is becoming far too common for women. So I'm going to have a little check in, because mostly women listen to this podcast. This is a safe space. No boys are here. Hopefully. If so, well, we like you because you clearly are not a piece of shit. If you're listening to Color Daddy, my question to you guys is, like, really think to yourself today. How many of you have had to remind your boyfriend multiple times to do a task that he should absolutely be handling on his own? How many times have you had to clean up after him, wrap a gift for him, or chase him down to make an appointment that he needs? He needs. Not you. He needs. Okay, we're starting to ask the questions, right? You're like, oh, maybe, maybe, maybe. Have you ever had to remind your boyfriend to just simply brush his teeth? That's a big one. That's a really big one. If that's an yes. Or you're all, like, raising your hands, I'm gonna ask you to take a seat. Maybe stop what you're doing. If you have to leave work, it's totally Understandable. And it's honestly okay, because we need to have a really honest conversation. Because this conversation is that you need to stop mothering your male partners. Let me set the scene, okay? I'm gonna break down what that actually means and what that entails. Mothering your partner is when you stop being this man's equal and you start being his caretaker. You are managing his responsibilities, his schedule, his emotions, his chores, all things he should be doing for himself as a grown adult. And, and instead of trusting that he's, you know, got things handled, you're reminding him, correcting him, and basically teaching this man how to live life. And there is this mentality that you kind of start to have where you're like, okay, well if I don't do it, it won't get done, right? Or maybe it won't get done literally at all. That's a problem, okay? Like this girl at the pool, if she didn't pack this man's shirt, this grown 30 plus year old man's shirt for him and slacks and pants and shoes, then he wouldn't have the right clothes to wear to a dinner, even though he knew he was going on a weekend getaway with his partner, he wasn't going to have an outfit for dinner, right? And I think what I want to talk about today is like, over time, a partnership like that can get really draining. I think we as women step in and fix situations for, for our partners because it just feels easier in the moment, right, to just be like, okay, I'm gonna handle this so that we don't have any issues later. We're caretakers. The problem is, is when it doesn't just stop at one or two things, right? It's once you start stepping in and the list gets longer. And sometimes this type of behavior, it's not intentional at first, but there is a point where it starts to edge into manipulation once it becomes a pat pattern. When someone purposefully does something poorly so they never have to do it again, that is weaponized incompetence, Daddy gang. And it is not. Okay, let me give you an example. So your boyfriend and you want to go on a dinner date and he says to you, can you find a place? Like, you're just so much better at finding great restaurants. It may seem innocent at first and maybe even a compliment because like, you're the foodie in the relationship, you've got all the good spots. Totally. In the beginning it's like, oh, for sure, for sure. But in reality, if it continues to happen and you're like, hey, babe, like, I, come on, I'm super busy with work. Or, hey, like, can you just pick a place? Like, I. I've picked it all the time, and he never does it. Like, let's keep it real. You both have access to the exact same Google, right? At some point, this is just him pushing the responsibilities onto you when he is equally capable of handling it. So weaponized incompetence is something that can continue to grow. And as the relationship goes on, maybe he. I feel like I've seen it with people. Like, maybe he screws up a grocery run, and now that becomes your responsibility going forward, right? Because you're just better at it. You're just better at it, babe, can you just do it? You're just better at it. And maybe he does laundry one day and he shrinks something, or he bleaches the entire colored section, and it's like, oh, I guess now this is your job forever, right? And rather than to trust him to handle something because you know there's a good chance that he's gonna it up, you just do it yourself. And you just keep doing it yourself, and you keep doing it yourself. And now I kind of want to pause here for a second because I'm not saying that every couple has to split everything down the middle at times. That's not realistic. That's not what I'm saying. I get it. If actually one of you is grocery shopping more or one of you is whatever. It's like relationships naturally develop a division of labor, and that is totally fine. That's normal. That's healthy. In my marriage, for example, when it comes to chores, Matt usually does most of the dishes. He actually weirdly likes doing the dishes. And I actually. You. You can't pay me to do dishes. Even when I was in college, my friends knew I hated the dishes, so I would be doing the trash or whatever. It be like, I never have been a dishes girl. I will never be a dishes girl. That is not weaponizing competence. That is just, I don't like to do something. But guess what? I'm going to also pull my weight then in a different category, right? Matt does the dishes, and he takes out the trash. And then I'm the one who usually does the grocery shopping. And I make sure we're stocked with all of our, like, household supplies. And these responsibilities, they're obviously allowed to ebb and flow, right? Like, if one of us is slammed with work and maybe we're going through something, or one of us is more stressed than the other, the Other than naturally takes on a bit more. Right? That's what a partnership is. If you're in a healthy relationship, the division of labor feels fair, and neither person feels like they're drowning, and neither person feels like they're getting resentful. Right? But if you're in a mothering relationship, you're taking on way, way more of the load. You're constantly doing things for him that he could and should be doing for himself, and he's letting you do it instead. I also think something I was thinking about when I was prepping for this is like, it's no secret that our society praises men for doing the bare minimum. Men doing the bare minimum. It is like, sweetie, you could be the president of the United States, babe. Oh, oh, oh, there he goes. He's taking out the trash. Like you. You see a guy change one diaper or take a kid in a stroller on a walk, and it is like, oh, my God, you are so lucky you have such an amazing partner. He's such an amazing dad. Meanwhile, we just expect women to do everything without any acknowledgment, right? There is an insane double standard that we are all, all very aware of. Whereas women were told to back off, you know, let the man take charge. But then when the guy drops the ball, guess who's expected to fix everything? And if we don't immediately do it, it's our fault. It's never a man's fault. It's always a woman's fault. I love having a vagina. So the point is, is like, once you've fallen into this pattern of mothering your partner, it can really start to impact your relationship. Maybe you both start to feel resentful towards each other. You may be like, wait, how is he resentful of me? I'm literally the one doing all of it. You're overwhelmed and you blame him, and he feels like you're constantly nagging and pressuring him. But over time, having to mother someone, I want to make sure that you guys keep this in mind. It can easily become the biggest turn off. You're also hurting yourself in your relationship by enabling this behavior. Because think of it. Is there anything less sexy than having a parental dynamic with your partner? Who in the actual would want to rip a guy's clothes off when you know that you're going to be stuck folding them later, you're going to have to do the laundry of those clothes that you just ripped off. And he's gonna lay in bed, he's gonna play his video games, and you're doing the household chores. Like, what? And I think this dynamic, it goes beyond just physical chores. I know. I'm focusing on that. Just like, you know, tasks and responsibilities, those. Those are the easy ones. But there is also an element of emotional labor that comes from being the parent of a relationship. You're the one who has to start the hard conversations. You're the one who has to guide you both through difficult moments. Maybe it's with family or friends or whatever. It's constant. Do we do Jenna? Jenna, what do we do? And it's like, Rick, let's start with put down your Xbox and let's have a mature conversation. It's always on you. You're the one who has to pick things up when he decides it's too much and he shuts down. And that if there's women listening to this and this is hitting home, listen to me. That can start to become extremely lonely. You feel like you're not in this together because you're taking literally everything on alone and you don't have anyone to lean on. The biggest issue is that you end up honestly settling for a less than equal partner, and you end up feeling drained and burnt out and undervalued. But then you just get into this rhythm, as we do as human beings, and you just get really used to this pattern. And then you kind of almost forget it's happening, and then it becomes normal to you. But please, please, please hear me when I say, as life gets more serious, you get married, you are trying to buy a house, you have kids. Not having a partner you can count on becomes more than exhausting, it becomes a burden. It actually eats away at your mental health. And so if you're sitting here realizing, holy shit, I think this is my relationship. I think I am parenting my partner. I'm mothering this man. Don't panic. I'm like, good luck and. And goodbye. No, don't worry. Don't panic. I'm your father and we're gonna talk about it. So let's talk about what we can do, right? The first step is just noticing it. You gotta catch yourself in those little moments when you're sliding into mom mode. Maybe you are cleaning up his side of the bathroom sink, and you realize, wait, no, this is his mess and this is his problem. Think about these motherfuckers, you guys. They literally wake up and they go to bed, and in their head, they're just like, God, the house looks so clean. Yeah, I wonder why. It's because of you, Bernadette. But, like, has fucking Robbie ever cleaned your side? And again, if that's part of your ebb and flow, where, like, you do the bathrooms and he does the fucking garage maintenance. Fair. But I'm. But we're not talking about that. We're talking about when you're literally taking on everything and he's literally deep in Fortnite. He doesn't even know how everything gets cleaned. He doesn't know how he gets food in his stomach. He doesn't know how everything happens, but it just happens, okay? Eventually, you need to start noticing this pattern, and you need to think, wait, no, this is his problem. Or you're maybe on the third reminder, right, about his dentist appointment. Stop yourself, because it's not your responsibility if that fucking jackass gets a cavity, okay? You need to be like, you know what? It's okay if he misses that dentist appointment. Right? Simply just becoming aware of what you're doing in the moment. You're like, oh, I'm about to do. Nope, stop, stop, stop, stop. He's a grown adult. Because here's the thing. He somehow lived without you, right? Before you. Somehow he got around. Let him figure it out again, right? So first step is noticing it. What you're doing in the moment, that's huge. That's literally half the battle. You can't change a pattern if you don't even recognize you're in it. Right? Once you start noticing it, though, I think the next step is to actually communicate with your partner, which is somehow the hardest part of it. All right? Like, when you get into a pattern with your partner, there is understandably, and I acknowledge this, this is not a problem I have with Matt, but we obviously have other problems. And when you fall into a pattern with someone, even if it's not romantic, it's so hard to break patterns, right? So communicating is usually the only way through something. But you don't need to come in guns blazing, blaming him, calling him a child. That is just going to make him more defensive, and the conversation is going to go nowhere, and it's going to cause a fight. So we're not going to do that. We never do that. Instead, you could literally say something like, I have noticed that I am taking on a lot, and it's really starting to overwhelm me. Robbie, I need some help. You can be direct, and I also think you should spell out exactly what needs change, right? You could be like, I need help when it comes to the nightly chores. Like, what do you think that you could help with to kind of help Take some things off my plate. Or literally, you could even say I'm completely overwhelmed planning our vacation. Right. Can you. Can we divide up the rest of the things that need to be booked? I'm really swamped and I really need your help on these things. Like, I guess my biggest part of the advice when it comes to the communication is you need to give clear examples of where you need him to step up. So there is no confusion. That should be the last time you mother him. Hi, you little fucking dumbass. I'm gonna spell this out for you right now. I need you to get your fucking ass up off the couch and help me. Okay? But you're not gonna say it like that. So communicating, being really, really direct in what you need. And then, daddy gang, you have to step back and actually stop doing the tasks for him. If he forgets to RSVP for that friend's birthday, that's on him. If he leaves for work without his computer charger. Everyone. Yeah, he can drive back and get it himself. Like, men are never gonna let you stop mothering them on their own. They love this. Oh, it's cozy. It's cozy. Oh, she's mothering me. She's doing everything for me. Damn, I got the best life ever. Why don't you throw in a foot massage while you're at it? Like, this guy has it made and you're just turning into the Grinch in the corner and you're like, how did this dynamic get created? You. At some point, you needed to take accountability. This is literally happening because you. Why would he stop it? He's literally living at the Ritz. He's living at the Ritzy. And you're just like, God damn it. The only way that they will learn is when you stop cushioning the fall. And they have to fall on their fucking face and own the consequences of them being a dumbass and being irresponsible. If he can't figure his shit out. That's your clarity that this dynamic is never going to change. Right? Like, when the consequences of his incompetence start to negatively affect your life, then he is probably not a true partner to you. Doesn't mean you're not madly in love with him. Doesn't mean the sex isn't great. He's not a partner. Right. You don't need to stay in a relationship with a guy who is a never ending fixer upper. Trust me, I've been there. It never works. There are guys out there who actually do have their shit together. I know that Sounds maybe the most crazy thing I've ever said on caller. Daddy. Wait. Men actually their shit together? Some. Some. Okay. And I do actually think that this is something you can start to recognize early on and start to kind of navigate in the early on of the dating phase, right? Like, does he remember little details about you? Does he handle setting up the next date ever? Is his apartment clean? What about his car? Does he show up on time? Does he cook meals for himself? Like real meals, not a Hot Pocket? Okay, does he have a calendar? That's probably good when you're in your 30s, you know, to have a calendar. Does he know what his credit score is? Do you know what your credit score is? Those little things you can start to pick up on if you can see, oh, yeah, he's a full functioning adult. Or is he waiting for someone else to come run his life for him? Once you're in a relationship with a guy who can really take care of himself, everything just gets so much easier. You guys, I remember when I met Matt, I was like, what's going on? No, what's going on? You, you've got your house, you've got a dog, you have a calendar. You communicate with your family. You remember people's birthdays, you send gifts when people have babies. You are on time to things. You're communicating when you're not going to be on time to think. Like, what? What? Bare minimum. It's the, it's the bare minimum we expect from men. When you've got a little. We, we just expect you to breathe and we clap. Why, literally, meanwhile, women, it's like backflip, upside down, somersault, do the flip. And we're like, nah, you're still, you're still not perfect. Guys, literally, we need to start holding men to more accountability and to higher fucking standards because you actually deserve a true partner. You're showing up as a true partner, right? But in a relationship, the. The honest truth is you're supposed to be good on your own. You're supposed to still be an individual. You can let your partner make mistakes and be there to support them, but you should also trust that they, to a certain extent, can handle their life. You're there to be supportive. You're there for the hard times, you're there for the good times. But if you left tomorrow, like, they're, they're gonna be fine, right? There is nothing more attractive than knowing the person that you are with can handle their own and see, still show up for you. What a concept, right? I remember Matt something Matt Said to me in the early days when we were getting close to engagement was. And I will never forget when he said it, he was like, I think how I knew and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you is God forbid something ever happens to me. God forbid, when we have kids and something happens to me, I know without a doubt that our kids will be more than perfectly fine with you as their mother. I trust you. I respect you. I know you will be a partner that I can rely on even if I'm not around. And I was like, knock on every piece of wood in this fucking room. Don't ever say that. But it was true. And I felt the same about Matt. I was like, I trust you with my life. When we do have kids, I know you'll still be able to show up for me. But God forbid, I know I can trust that man. And can you say the same or are you still wiping his fucking asshole? Right. So let me just tell you. Yeah, that's another point. I just realized. If you're still wiping his asshole, literally or figuratively, when you have kids, add him. You've one kid now, you have to. Because he's another fucking kid like you, you literally will just take on more mothering, right? And I think another sign to look for Daddy Gang in the early stages is like, what is his relationship with his mother? Because that'll tell you a goddamn lot. If his mother mothers him and you have somehow gotten into the mothering role, this is just a mama's boy through and through. And this is someone that probably is going to really have a hard time changing. So couples therapy. Therapy, that's the kind of. Because this is deep rooted since day one. If he doesn't have that relationship with his mom or anyone in his life, then like, yeah, you've just kind of put yourself into the situation and you have, you have the ability to change the pattern, but it's going to be a lot of work. So the point of this little intro here is let's stop mothering these little boys, okay? It's time to go find men who actually put on their own sunscreen, can pack their own damn suitcases, and can actually be a grown ass adult and show up in a relationship for you and handle their own shit. So, Daddy Gang, that's it for my little TED Talk. Before we get into questions of the week, if you want me to talk about any of this more or have any other questions about this topic, I am happy to answer them. But for now, we're Gonna take a little trip to France because I want to do a little thing called Questions of the Mother Week. Call her. Daddy is brought to you by Uber Eats. 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Order Sephora on UberEats today and get your glam delivered straight to your door. Ends October 30 Limited one order. Other terms apply. Check app for availability. Delivery fees may apply. Hi, Daddy Gang. I want to take a moment to talk to you about something that is a little bit more serious. Today I have partnered with YSL Beauty on Abuse is Not Love. They are on a mission to educate and empower anyone who might be facing abuse in their relationship. Let's walk through the nine key warning signs to look out for that could indicate you may be in a partnership that is not healthy. The first, ignoring. Number two is black blackmailing. The third is humiliation. Number four is manipulation. Number five is jealousy. Number six is control. Number seven is intrusion. Eight is isolation. The last warning sign is intimidation. The earlier that you spot these signs, the sooner that you can protect yourself or someone you care about. For more resources, go to www.the hotline. Org. You deserve a relationship that feels safe, supportive, and respectful. I love you. Okay. I tried so hard to lean into my fall aesthetic, and I'm sweating. Okay? I think literally my vagina is sweating. So we're gonna take off this wool blanket. Where do I put this? I'll just put it right here. This is fine. Okay, let's answer some questions because you guys need some help. Question one. Hi, Daddy. I just listened to your engagement episode and Wanted to write in to you about a specific situation. I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We bought a house together, got a dog, and we've talked about marriage a bit, but I still am waiting on a ring. I don't want to be the where is the ring Girlfriend, but I am 28, most of my friends are already married with kids and I feel behind. He always says weddings are expensive, but of course they are. Our eight year anniversary is coming up and he does. And if he does not propose by then, I will be crushed. How do I handle this without becoming the nagging girlfriend? Okay, so my first note is like, totally fair, right? Totally fair that you're like, okay, this man clearly doesn't have commitment issues. He bought a house with me, we got a dog together. Like these are things that are showing that he is in this relationship. But eight years and no ring. Listen, I'm not here to put my judgment. I'm saying what would work for me is not that. Like, I agree 8 years is pretty long to go without any type of like, are we doing this for life or are we doing here? I do want to say though is like, it seems like you want this, but I, I always am adverse to the concept of like my friends are doing it. I'm feeling behind. If it's just because you're friends, you always have to check in with yourself because like, don't do something just because other people around you are doing it. But if this is your eight year anniversary and you're almost 28, this means that you've been together since you were 20. And I feel like when you start a relationship at that young of an age and you stay together, I do kind of see maybe how you could date for longer because you're like, we're in college, then we're getting out of college or if you didn't go to college, you're in kind of like this after high school, you meet this person and then you're figuring out your careers. Like you're in this, finding yourselves and your careers in your life when you're in your early 20s, right? And so the thought of marriage, maybe not is at the forefront. But now I think you guys have probably gotten into a situation where it has been kind of put on the back burner and you need to bring this up, up. It's so funny how like everything comes down to communication. And I wish I didn't have to say that for every single answer, but that's literally it. Like, you need to talk to him and I think instead of feeling weird and like icky and being like, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna drop some hints and I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna look at some rings and leave my phone out while he's like peeking and I'm kind of showing him what ring I want. Babe, just talk to him. This is your partner of eight years. You trust him, he loves you, you love him. I think you need to say, hey, I wanted to have a check in because I know we're coming up on our eight year anniversary. I love you so much. I know that a big conversation when we did have a conversation about marriage was the stress of a wedding is expensive. And I want to have a check in of like one where you're at just take away wedding and all the expensive stuff. Where are you at with marriage? Are we still on track? And if he's like, yes, oh, I would marry you tomorrow, then be like, got it. So why don't we sit down and talk about our finances? It is so often it's like you, you think it's going to be so unsexy to talk about your finances. It is the most important thing to talk about. One of the most important things to talk about before your next step. Right before that next step that you take with this person who you are going to I'm assuming, wait, but you bought a house together. I'm assuming you have a kind of a gauge finances. So if finances are tight, you then need to make a decision and be a supportive partner to be like, I don't need this lavish wedding. Or we can wait and we could have a little ceremony and then one day when we feel a little bit more like we're in a good financial place that we feel about, then we can have a wedding. So I think if you need to address the finances for him and if it immediately all of his worries go away because you address the finances and you're like, I would help pitching for the the ring or I am down for you to put, to put more of the money towards the ring. And then if we want to wait for a wedding, whatever it be, you need to compromise with your partner because it's all probably feeling building up on him, him, him, him to we gotta have the wedding, we gotta have the ring. I literally am so stressed. I can't even think about this. If you alleviate for that for him, would that make you happy? Right. Would you be okay not having maybe some of the things that come with wedding and engagement in order to just get engaged is kind of a personal answer for me. I would be okay with it. But who knows? You may be someone that's, like, dreamt of this really specific ring, and you don't want to compromise on that, but you need to talk to your partner about it. How much money do you guys have in your bank accounts? Have you joined bank accounts yet? I'm assuming no. Since you're not married, what does it look like? How much do you have? How much does he have? You gotta talk about this. It's, like, hard because I think a lot of times people are like, oh, my God, weddings and all this stuff is supposed to be so sexy. And it is, but what? The conversations that lead up to engagement and wedding, a lot of times aren't so sexy. Hi, babe. What's your credit score? Hi, babe. What does your 401k look like? Hi, babe. Do you have, like, investments? What's your bank account? How much money do you make? What is. What are your. What is your yearly take home? What is your annual. All the stuff you need to know. I'm sorry, though. That's stressful. But eight years, you shouldn't have to keep waiting. You should know. Okay, next question. Hi, daddy. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. I have given him head countless times. He has gone down on me less than five times. It's bothering me that the reciprocation is not even close to equal. I don't want to have to ask him to do it, though, because then I'll be thinking, he's only doing it because I asked him to. I don't think I'll enjoy it if it feels forced, but how do I go about getting a little action for myself? Dude, that is truly one of the worst feelings in the world when you are like, I want to bring something sexual up to my partner. Kind of like a note I have for our sex life. And meanwhile, it's gonna be so awkward if I ask him for something, because in your head you're like, oh, my God. Then he's gonna be going down on me. And I'm trying to relax because as we all know, when you're getting eaten out, you need to focus, focus, focus. If anything, put a pill. You have to close your eyes. You have to get in the zone. You have to focus, focus. Oh, this is starting to feel good. And if all of a sudden you open your eyes because you're like, oh, my God, he's only doing this because I literally told him that I needed this and he's not even enjoying himself. And, oh, my God, is he looking at my labyrinth? Does he not like it down there? And he does not like the taste, and he does not like, you're gonna start spiraling. I totally empathize with that concept. So what I think you need to do is reframe. When you're asking a partner something sexually, I think you could go to him and be like, babe, I love our sex, and I love our sex life. And something that I was thinking about the other day, I don't know why it kind of came up, but I was like, I remember it. Like, I know it wasn't recent, but I remember one of the last times that you ate me out. I enjoyed it so much. Like, you're so good at it. I have never really, like, liked it that much before. With a different partner. Maybe don't bring up the different partners. That's a toxic still in me. It's still in there, guys. She's still down there. I still want to, like, but you know what I mean? I think you can bring it up like, I had such a good time. Like, I. Whether. I mean, tell him if you orgasmed or not from it and say, I would love if we could incorporate that a little bit more because, like, I love obviously giving you head. And I would love if, like, like, you could go down on me a little bit more because you're so good at it. Compliment sandwich. You know what I mean? I get it's awkward. I get it's not comfortable. But the point is, is, like, you need to tell him, but you can't do it in a way that's like, I always give you head and you never eat me out. So what the. Because then he's gonna be like, oh, I didn't know we were, like, counting who does who what. And I just think, you know, guys are just so insecure. Like, you gotta just go about it. Like. Like, I'm literally obsessed with when you eat me out. And I realize, like, we always just kind of, like, go straight to. And I want more foreplay. Like, I need you to eat me out. I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about it at work. I've been thinking about it when I'm in the shower. I need you. And then he'll be like, okay. And then I'll go down, down. And if he doesn't, then you have a problem because, well, then he's never gonna get his dick sucked. You know, if. If you can't have any fun Neither can he, nor should he. Okay, next. Alex, I need advice. My strict religious parents do not approve of my boyfriend. They think he is the reason I have gone astray with sex, drinking, and changing up my look. But the truth is, I have already been in the process of trying new things before I even met him. He treats me well, respects me, and shares my values. The problem is my parents see him as the enemy and refuse to see the real him. How do I stay with him without completely blowing up my relationship with my family? Damn. I mean, it's so hard when you start to change and your parents are like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Where's our little girl? Like, come back here. I think your parents are clearly grappling with the fact that you are forging your own path and you're becoming an individual and you're doing things for yourself and you're not conforming to what they wanted for you and have wanted for you and have kind of shown you the way when you were living in their household. And now that you're an adult, they're kind of like, we. Excuse you where? Come back here. Come back here. And you're like, I actually like it better over here. I think that's a really unfortunately relatable thing for a lot of people. When you move out of your childhood home or you stop living with your parents, it's kind of like you just naturally see the world differently, as you should. You start to become someone that is an individual and you're thinking for yourself and you're experiencing the world, and that's so healthy. I think something that you can do is have a conversation with your parents where you kind of explain to them why you're making these changes. Right. Like, I think sometimes the problem when we are growing up is we look at our parents as the enemy sometimes, as you should. But. But a lot of times we think they're judging. They're judging, they're judging. And really the judgment and the comments sometimes, I'm not saying all the time because your parents could be bigger dicks, but sometimes it's really because they're just, like, trying to understand because they don't feel a part of your life anymore. Your parents feel like, I don't even know her anymore, and she dyed her hair and she's doing this like, we don't even know our baby girl anymore. And you have to have a little bit of empathy in that capacity to just meet them where you want to be met and be like, guys, I want to have an open conversation. I realize there's been so much changing in my life, and I understand it's different than how you guys raised me. And I love so many things about you guys and my childhood. But as I have continued to grow into an individual, there's a lot of things that I love for myself that I know are different than what you guys love. And I want you guys to accept me for who I am. It doesn't mean I don't love you any less. But I'm also open if you want to ask questions of, like, who I am, because, can I be honest? It has nothing to do with Gerard or whoever your boyfriend is. You're like, it has nothing to do with Gerard. It has everything to do with me. It's a little bit of a dig, but I think you need to say this because it. They need to have more respect for you. I think you need to say something along the lines of like, I hope you guys know me well enough to know that I am an independent thinker. I'm an individual. I know who I am. And. And I'm not going to change for a guy. All these changes are because I've wanted them. I have autonomy over my own life. I have autonomy over my own decisions. Yes, he's one of the decisions I'm making, but it's at my own volition. I'm doing it. He is not. Like, he's not forcing me to do anything. You guys, you raised me in the capacity that, like, I do. I am able to make my own decisions. And how amazing that I have a vision for who I want to become and what I like and what I don't like. And. And I think if your parents can't meet you there and again, be slightly open to them being like, but, but what about. What. What about. And you can try to ease in, but I do think at some point, you just have to be like, I get this is going to be difficult in. I'm changing from who I was when I was younger. But I want to have open communication. But I also need a lack of judgment moving forward, and hopefully they can meet you there. It's so hard, though, when you become an adult and you become an adult, emphasis. And then your parents are also adults, and you're all like, oh, my God. And it's like the Spider man thing where you're like, when did this happen? Where, like, you're an adult and I'm an adult, and now you have to treat me like an adult, but you're still treating me like a kid. And like, why are you treating me like a kid? Like, I'm allowed to dye my hair without calling mommy? And I think parents have a really hard time with that sometimes, and it's losing the control that really, really is disorienting for them. And now it's being projected onto you, but it's not really your problem. So I think one loving conversation you can ease in. Maybe, you know, when you go to family dinners with them, try to include them in the conversations and give more context of why you're doing certain things. But there's only so much you can do with parents at that age. They're gonna kind of have to get up to speed and keep up. It's hard. Oh, my God. Another relationship of eight years. Here we go. Okay. Hi, Daddy. My boyfriend and I have been together for eight years. We recently finished school, and we started. And we're starting our careers. I'm in no rush to get married or have kids, as I feel like my life is just beginning. My boyfriend has a daughter, and she is 10. He's a great dad, and his days consist of sports and school activities. But lately it feels like we are in two completely different phases. He doesn't plan anything unless it has to do with his daughter. So most of our time together is on his terms. We have disagreements due to me not wanting to be a parent yet. And I constantly feel like I'm making sacrifices for this relationship. The problem has snowballed to the point where he thinks I hate his daughter. Oh, God. But in reality, I love her. Help. I am confused on how I should continue this relationship or should I be with someone in the same phase of life as me? Okay. I mean, I just want to put it out there that, like, I have never dated someone who has a child. So I'm just speaking from what I think I would do and give advice in this situation. But I do want to just clarify, Like, I don't have experience with this. The first thing I would just say to you is, which I think you kind of have this answer, but you need to kind of dig a little deeper before you make your full, full decision is, are you ready to be a stepmom? Because this is one of, if not the most important part of this person's life, and his daughter is. Yeah, his daughter is his priority. And at that age, there's sports and there's, you know, they'll start to have crushes, and there's school dances and there's activities, and there's all the things. And that is a very all consuming time, I think, to have a child. And you have to decide if you are ready to integrate that part into your life in a capacity that also is somewhat of a priority. Because the problem is this. I think you can meet people at different life stages and fall in love and have a successful relationship, but if you are kind of like adverse to a life stage that they're at, and it's actually kind of really what you don't want. You really don't want kids right now. You want to be selfish, you want to go for your career. All these things that is actually conflicting with what he is trying to do. And so I think resentment, unfortunately, is potentially going to build on both ends. He wants. He's even getting the point where he thinks you hate his daughter. You're like, I actually love this young girl, but she's not my kid. And I feel still like a kid. I still have things I want to do. I'm not ready to be there. My worry for you is that it will get nasty in a way that you'll start to feel kind of heavy and bad about yourself because somehow this is becoming about you hating this young girl who you love. But you're like, like, I'm just not ready to be a mom. Like, that's obviously, it's not my kid. I love her, but, like, I didn't choose to have a child yet, so I'm not there, right? And he's like, but I am there and I'm a father and I take this very seriously. And so I think that you have to be honest with yourself that I personally believe. And again, you guys can tell me if I'm wrong. I believe you can't. You. You can't just be fully in this person's life expecting to be his priority when one of his biggest priorities is also not one of your. Your priorities. Because then that's going to be like, we have to go on date nights and her not be involved. But what if she's sick? What if he needs to stay home with her? What if at the last minute he needs to be the person that's having the after soccer practice, house party? You know what I mean? Like, there's so much that is going to dictate his life through having a child who he loves and he's loving that part of his life that unfortunately, I think this is pulling you both in two different directions. I think at the end of the day, do some soul searching. It feels like even what you wrote here, you kind of have your answer. And then I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about, like, also just have some closure for yourself of like, I really love you. I love your daughter. I'm not ready for that next phase of life. I feel like I'm at a different place in my life where I'm not ready for the soccer practice and the, you know, kids functions, and I'm just not there. And I also want you to know I don't blame you for being there. That's your life. That's your reality. And I'm just not there yet. And I don't want to pull you away from a huge part in your life. And I also don't want to get to the point where I resent you for feeling like I'm having to develop this part of my life that I don't want and I'm not ready for. And maybe you can just, you know, take a break, go on pause, or who knows, maybe one day you'll be ready and. And you'll go back to each other. But now I think the bottom line is sometimes when you're in such different life places, you love isn't enough. And you can't keep trying to force it because you're gonna start feeling like just pure about yourself. And you're gonna either get resentful or you're gonna start compromising to the capacity that you lose yourself and you lose your dreams and you lose your wants and hopes and all the things because you're gonna live someone else's happiness and their dreams and their wants. And that is not healthy. Call her Daddy is brought to you by White Claw, obviously. Okay, listen up. I have an announcement. It is officially tailgating season. 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Okay, my first note for you, which we can get to him because I, you know, have empathy, obviously, and in all the things that come to like health and exercise and people being at their own pace and struggling. But for you, who is the partner in this dynamic, my advice is like, it kind of goes back to the beginning of this episode of stop mothering your partner. You're in a situation where you're trying so hard to just get this guy to take care of himself and get healthy. And you are like, if I don't do it, it he's not going to do it. So I'm trying to get him up. And I think it's you clearly grasping onto the relationship for dear life, being like, I can't watch this anymore. I can't watch you self destruct. I can't watch you be unhealthy. I'm also, it's not as attractive now because you can't take care of yourself. And I'm starting to feel like, what are we doing? We're on Two different paths. I want to be healthy and I want to do all these things, and you're just here, and if I don't help you, then it just, just stays there. That's a lot to put on yourself. If someone doesn't have the internal motivation to change and to better themselves, you're not going to be able to do it. And if you do, they're going to resent you. They're going to look at you like they're your. Their mother and you're. The minute you pull away and like, okay, they're going to do on their own, it's just going to fall back. It's like you've got to let him figure it out for himself. And I get it. I so get it. You're trying to be supportive and you think that, you know, know, doing it with him or trying to get him, it's gonna make it better. But I'm sure he's also like, I, I sometimes am happy when she goes out for girl dinner, so I don't have to hear her nagging me to get off the couch. Like, I'm so exhausted of her trying to force me to do something that he clearly is either really, really, really struggling with or doesn't want to do. I think something you could have a conversation about, number one, is sometimes a lot of this has to do with mental health, right? I think there's a lot of times where people can get into these really, really big slumps. I'm not saying he's depressed, but, you know, having a conversation of checking in, one just mental health wise of like, how are you doing? Because I'm assuming he's not feeling great about himself, right? He's aware the partner he's in love with is nagging him every day. And sorry, I'm saying nagging, but it's probably, it sounds like nagging to him, but it sounds like trying to be positive from your perspective. But like, he probably feels like. And maybe something's going on. So my first note would be ask him how he's doing. You know, I know this and, and acknowledge it. I know this has been a struggle. I know that I may also be being annoying that I'm trying to get you back. It's just because I love you and I want you to be the best version of yourself and I want you to feel good. And I, I also want you to be healthy so that I'm, you know, able to have a partner that's capable and, and taking care of themselves. And I can see how I could be coming off as being, you know, nagging you, you. And I want to check in, like, how are you? Are you okay? What's going on? And just listen to him. Don't interrupt, don't try to reframe the narrative. Listen to what he's saying. Maybe he's super stressed about finances, Maybe he's stressed about his job. Maybe he's going through something mentally. Maybe there he needs, you know, medication, or maybe he needs to switch jobs or he has a family issue or he does just something, right? Maybe something is going on, but you're not going to know it if it's masked by he's eating, like, and he's sitting on the couch. One, there could be a very, very big reason for that. Or two, now, the other option is that's just who he is, right? Has he always been this way? And maybe in the beginning, sages, you were just so madly in love that you kind of, like, didn't notice it, but now you're kind of starting to really look at your future with this person and, and it's a big, big thing. You start to like, I mean, I'm literally like in my 30s, but I'm like, it is a big thing. You're like, I want to be with someone that takes care of themselves. And I'll be Honest, in my 20s, I didn't really give a, like, if I was dating a guy that was a club rat or whatever, I'd be like, woo, this is fun. And now I'm like, it's really attractive to me that every single day Matt is getting up and he's working out. It's not like he's every day lifting and bulking and going crazy. But he had told me he was like, I have made a commitment to myself that I'm going to move my body every single day. And I think Matt's inspired by his grandmother is 101 years old. This Christmas, she'll be 102. And she walked for miles and miles every day, right? And so it's like Matt has this internal motivation within himself that motivates me. I'll be honest. I'm the one that's a little bit like, I'm gonna sit on the couch and I'm not gonna do anything. And he's like, come on, babe, like, get up. And if I say no, know, he doesn't pressure me. But it's motivating to have a partner that is wanting to take care of themselves. But it, I could see where it could get to a Place where you're like you. Matt never is pressuring me. Matt knows I want to do things on my own time. He likes to wake up super. Like Matt's in the gym at like 5am I'm like, what the are you doing, you psychopath? I'll go at like 7, 7:30. No thank you for a 5:30 date next to the elliptical. Like not interested. So. But it is attractive to have someone that is really health conscious. Not to a point where you're like, okay, like eat a fucking chip, like you're only eating kale, like calm down. Again, to each their own. But you have to find what works in your dynamic. Right. And so I think you're clearly getting extremely unattracted to the way this person is living and it's flowing into a capacity that you need something to change. And maybe you think he needs to change, but maybe he doesn't want to to. But you gotta have an open conversation about it and see where he's at. But I feel like a lot of times when you do have those type of conversations, when it does relate to this like health stuff, a lot of times it's, it's mental. He's going through something and you're not going to be able to get, pull him out of it. But you can be there to support him through it. And that is a huge difference. Next one. Hi, Daddy. This summer my fiance and I found out that we were expecting a baby. We're so thrilled. But my pregnancy has been really hard. Hard. I've been so sick that at times I've struggled to care for myself. My, my fiance has been a great partner to me. Making dinner every night, keeping our home clean. All on top of working six days a week. I am becoming codependent on him every time he leaves for work. I have such intense anxiety and I don't feel better until he returns home. It's gotten to the point where I dread going to bed at night because I know that in the morning he's leaving for the day. I know this isn't healthy and I don't want to and I want to feel independent again. I feel crazy though. Please help. How can I get out of this co dependency? Okay, number one, I have not been pregnant before. So again, I'm kind of, I'm going off of what my friends have shared with me. This is very normal. This is something that unfortunately I don't think that many women publicly speak about because for fear of shame, for fear of like, what do you mean? Motherhood's so beautiful. Everything should be perfect. It's not. Not. Your body is going through one of the. No, not one of the. The biggest change it will ever go through in your life. You are carrying a physical human being inside of you. You are growing a new human being inside of you. Your hormones are all over the place. Your body is changing, your identity is shifting. You are no longer just you. You are a soon to be mother. You are a pregnant woman. You're going through so much and your husband gets to get up every day, day, wave goodbye and walk out the door. And when he shows up to work, no one knows he's pregnant because he's not. But no one knows. They don't need to know he's dealing with, you know, he doesn't have hormone things going on. They don't even. Maybe they don't even know he's has a wife who's pregnant. He gets to be the same Joe Schmo that he was the day before you got pregnant and then the day you got pregnant. His life doesn't change. So he is Steady Eddie. He is understandably the one that you probably feel like you can rely on because nothing has changed in his fucking life except for supporting you, who everything is changing for you, right? So give yourself grace that it is okay that you are feeling like you are. You're losing your mind a little bit. I have, I had lunch with a friend of mine who has a new child and she opened up to me and was like, alex, not putting pressure on you, but whenever you get pregnant, if you can get pregnant, of course, you know, knock on wood. I hope you share a little bit of this because there's no one out there that's really talking about the really kind of shitty that mentally you go through. And again, everyone's situation is so different. There's people that experience just pure bliss, which I have a hard time believing. Everything goes well, right? And there's people that, that you know, there's postpartum, there's all these things. But the point is, is we don't give women enough grace during pregnancy. And also if anything, even more after pregnancy. Once you pop out the baby, everyone's like, okay, okay, you're fine. Right? You're fine. You're like, hold on. So giving you grace here. No, you should not feel guilty that you've gotten yourself into a position where you feel like you're leaning into codependency. So my advice for you would be, number one, talk to your partner. I this whole episode, talk to your partner that's literally the whole point of this whole episode is talk to your partner. No, talk to your partner. Sit him down. Be so vulnerable and open. Babe, first I wanted to say thank you. I literally couldn't do this without you. You every single day have amazed me by how you are able to help me. Be there for me. Juggle all the things at home for me, and then you're going to work. I love you. I respect you. I see you. Thank you. I need to be honest. I think I'm kind of losing it a little because I've let you do these things and I. A lot of the moments, I've needed you to do them, but now I'm losing myself a little bit, and I think I need to take some things back. Right? I need to. I. And. But I want you to, like, hear me and. And work with me here, because I don't want to feel like I'm doing it alone. Like, what do you think? What should I take back? And, like, let's talk about it. Maybe I could take back, you know, maybe I go grocery shopping or maybe I'm gonna do the dishes, or maybe I'm gonna. Whatever it be. And have him aware, though, not be like, you're just taking it back. So then he's like, oh, maybe she's feeling great. And then he adds more to your plate. Share with him. This is a struggle. Struggle. I'm going through it. I need you to support me. I'm thinking I can take on more. I may not be able to. And then I think if you are capable therapy, I think no matter what, and no matter as much as our husbands can be there for us during pregnancy. Again, I've never been pregnant. From what I gather from all my friends who have gone through this, they don't. They will never understand. They will never understand. And you need to also build yourself up individually. And that, I think will help with the codependent stuff where it's like, you need to get to a place where you're talking to someone maybe twice a week, once a week, you look forward to talking to them. You're. Maybe you're journaling and you're doing something for yourself that doesn't have to do with the baby. You're talking about you. How are we gonna get you back on track? And I think sometimes, understandably, like I said earlier, as women, we literally put ourselves last. Take care of husband, take care of it. And although he's doing all the things, things you're feeling like you are incapable. Let's get Back to making you feel capable because guess what? In X amount of months you are about to do the most impressive thing and you are going to give birth to a human being. You are incredible. Do not forget that. Don't lose that part of yourself. You are capable and you've got this. But open up to your partner and share with him how you've been feeling kind of shitty and, and I'm sure he's gonna step up for you. He seems like a amazing guy. AKA ladies. Oh, this is a nice little wrap up. Think about what we were just talking about. Think about that with that woman. Just is writing in being like, I'm struggling, my partner's showing up for me. Anyone that has a little boy that you've been mothering, imagine if you want to have kids. Imagine if you want to have kids. Think about how hell it will be if you are with and marry a man that you have mothered and then you need a little bit of help when you're pregnant or you have kids and you just literally have another kid sitting next to you and you're alone. Set yourself up for success in the partner that you're choosing. And I was thinking about doing a full episode on how to know you have the right partner and what to look for in a partner. Because there's a difference between a partner and there's a difference between a, a husband who is going to potentially be the father to children. Like there's a lot that goes into play of your personal, obviously what you want in your life. Maybe some people don't want kids. Maybe some people do want kids. Finding a partner in your life is such a big fcking step and it is probably one of the most important decisions you ever make in your life. And so choosing that person, it should not be a rush, it should not be overlooked. And if there are already things, things that you are sitting in the dating phase with this person that you were like, I cannot stand you or oh my God, I have a pit in my stomach or oh, he just doesn't make me feel good. Like my mother always said, shout out. Lori, anything that bothers you before you get married is only going to get 10 times worse once you marry this person and especially once you have kids. If you think a marriage or a kid is going to put a band aid or, or fix something, it is going to make it worse. So choose the right partner. Daddy gang. No pressure, but yeah, I can do a whole episode on that. I love you guys so much and thanks for hanging out with me today. I love you. Oh, by the way, our BlackBerry acai is now without a doubt my favorite flavor for unwell hydration. And if you want to get this flavor, it is on Amazon, you can Amazon prime it. It's delicious. Delicious. I put vodka with it. There's no vodka in here. I mix it with vodka every single morning. No, I put vodka on the weekends into a little cup with this as my chaser. And it's delicioso if you don't drink or you just want something with electrolytes and hydration. This is my new favorite flavor. So go to Amazon and Amazon yourself some because yummy, yummy. Okay, I love you guys so much. I'm trying to think, is there anything else that we need to do now? No, there's nothing. Except go break up with your not boyfriends if you are mothering them. Love you. I will see you on Wednesday. Bye Daddy gang. You know what's hotter than a new episode of Call Her Daddy? A new episode with zero ads. Yeah, you heard that right. Subscribe to Sirus XM podcast plus on Apple Podcasts or visit sirusxm.compodcast plus to listen ad free on Spotify or whatever app you're obsessed with. No interruptions. All the chaos. When the sun sets, the city transforms, the skyline glows, the energy surges, and the night comes alive. 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