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Calm Parenting Podcast
10 Do’s & Don’ts to Stop Emotional Fireworks & Meet Sensory Needs #495
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Kirk Martin
So this is our second summer in our new home and what we've missed most is having friends over for dinner. It's such a pain to go to those big box stores and carry home huge items. So we finally went to Wayfair.com back in May and we picked out deck furniture, a grill, fire pit and yard games. Boom. Easy fast free shipping. Last night was kind of magical and it was simple. We had friends over, I grilled out, we had the fire pit going, kids playing cornhole, just good conversation and laughs. And we like Wayfair because it's one stop shopping for everything we need inside and outside our home with a great selection and great prices. So now after a long day or on weekends we have an outdoor gathering space and I do love grilling outside shop outdoor furniture, grills, long games and way more for way less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to to explore a huge outdoor selection that's W a Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every Home One of our big goals this year was sleeping better. We're going to bed earlier. Love our bamboo sheets and upgraded to our new Leesa mattress for cooling comfort. Mrs. Kong was having some back pain and now that's gone. We sleep deeper and wake up feeling refreshed from the very first night. You'll feel the difference. Leesa mattresses are meticulously designed and assembled in the US for exceptional quality. Plus they back it all up with free shipping, easy returns and a 100 night sleep trial. The great thing about Leesa is that you can choose from super comfortable mattresses tailored to how you sleep without the luxury price tag. Go to Leesa.com for 30% off mattresses through July 7th. Plus get an extra $50 off with promo Code Calm exclusively for my listeners. That's Leesa.com promo code CALM for 30% off mattresses plus an extra $50 off. Let them know after checkout that the CALM parenting podcast sent you Lisa.com promo code CALM so we all want to enjoy the relaxed summer vibe and keep our kids brains active and learning. Let's use IXL's award winning learning platform to build your child's confidence this summer. Choose one topic your kids are curious about and one in which they struggle over the summer. Let your kids play the interactive games IXL uses to learn new facts and concepts without the pressure of the normal school year. Feed their curiosity Whether your child is tackling some new math skills or reading at a higher level, IXL meets them where they are and lets Them move at their own pace. IXL instantly grades work and explains mistakes so you don't have to because our kids don't like being corrected. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get Ixcel now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com Kirk Visit ixl.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So it's almost the 4th of July here in America. So that means fireworks and that means your sensory kids are going to melt down if you take them to see fireworks. And then there are going to be fireworks among spouses as you argue over this. So how can you help kids with sensory issues? How do you put out the emotional fireworks and in your home? That is what we're going to discuss on today's very action packed episode, the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our big summer sale@celebratecolm.com it is 4th of July in America and that is when we celebrate our strong will colony rebelling against the authority figure almost 250 years ago. And then we wonder why we have so many strong will kids here. By the way, Australia. I love our Australian friends. We get so many orders of our programs from Australia and I think that means you have a lot of strong willed kids over there. So let's jump into this. I want to give you 10 do's and don'ts for putting out the emotional fire in your home. And then I'm going to add a little section on sensory issues because we had 1500 strong willed kids, kids on the spectrum, neurodivergent kids in our home. And we have plenty of time back then to practice what to do and what not to do with these kids. Plus we've got Casey. Okay, Meltdowns and angry responses are going to happen. They are. So do you have a plan to put out the emotional fire? Because a real firefighter, you got a plan. You don't just show up to a house burning, be like, what are we going to do now? So I want you to have a plan in place because if you keep reacting, it's going to tear spouses apart and then the kids are going to feel helpless as you pour fuel on the fire. It doesn't have to be this way. So number one, you already know this. Do not react. If you react to your child. You have now given your child power over your emotions and your behavior. They are now in control of you because they can push your buttons. And that's not their issue. It's your issues because you have too many buttons to push. And that creates a lot of instability because your kids aren't supposed to be in control of you. No blame and guilt. But if you react by getting upset yourself and you're actually just pouring fuel on the fire, it escalates things. So I want you to learn how to control your own reactions and lead confidently so you can send this message. Hey, when your world is out of control, mine's not. I can help you see, that builds trust. That begins to take away a lot of that intensity and tension in your home when you can stop reacting and put out that fire. Number two, do not give eye contact. I know other people advise you to get down, look your kids in the eyes and reassure them that that everything's going to be okay. But that usually backfires with strong willed kids. When kids get upset, they throw things, they say disrespectful things, and they immediately know it's wrong and they get embarrassed. And that's when we get down and look them right in the eyes, reinforcing the shame. And that inflames the situations more. Nobody wants to be looked at when they're upset and out of control, whether they're 4 or 44. And that really sweet, reassuring tone actually sounds patient, patronizing, and like you don't know how to help your child. So I don't give eye contact when kids are melting down or misbehaving. I save my eye contact for when kids make good choices. And then I use very short, affirming statements of fact. Hey, really good choice. Hey, love how you walked away from your brother. Fist bump. Hey. Shows me you're growing up short and sweet. Good eye contact. Good. But when kids are upset, I use motion changes emotion, no eye contact. Hey, I can tell you're frustrated. If you want to grab the football, I'll meet you outside, play catch. I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. Hey, if you want to dump legos out on the floor, I'll help you build a spaceship. Hey, I forgot something at the store. If you want to meet me in the car in three minutes because I like the specificity. Hey, we'll drive up to the store, grab a snack on the way back. Walking, driving next to each other, building with something, coloring. Then you're not staring them in the eyes and escalating. Number three, do not try to reason with your child. It won't work. When you say, use your words, honey, Your strong will. Kids are going to use some words that are really inappropriate. It's fruitless because you can't process language when you're upset. But we also don't want to dismiss their concerns because no one likes it when your spouse says, oh honey, it's no big deal. There's no reason to be upset. You're just overreacting. Yeah, I didn't think you like that. So don't do that to your kids. That's why I validate with intensity. Of course you're frustrated. Now, I know some of you do timeouts and there's nothing wrong with that except it usually won't work because good luck trying to make a strong willed child just sit still in a chair. You're just going to wrestle. And because sitting and thinking about why you're upset often makes you more angry, schools make this mistake. Well, student, let's fill out this think sheet and you can think through why you made that choice. And the child's going to get more angry because you can't really just think yourself through being calm. That's why we like using motion and intensity, giving kids physical action steps to do to calm them down. Number four, do not talk a lot. Have you ever noticed the more you talk, the more upset your child becomes? That's because when you get flustered yourself, your anxiety and the uncertainty in your voice actually makes the situation more unstable. And they can't process language when their world is out of control. I'm also not a huge fan of saying, hey, let's identify your emotions. Or do you want to talk about your emotions? Because here's what most of your kids are thinking. Yeah, I already know what my emotions are. I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed. What I really need help with is I need an adult to teach me what to do with that frustration and that disappointment. Endlessly talking about it is frustrating. And by the way, it doesn't usually work in therapy either. That's why I prefer taking action steps. If you ever go through our programs, I give action steps. It's not just thinking and journaling. We do think about things and we reflect. But there are always action steps associated with that because you break patterns by doing. By saying, I'm going to practice sitting down. I'm going to practice a different tone of voice. Number five, do not give consequences while your child is still upset. You have to de escalate before you discipline. Right. But you know how we often do as parents, you know, if you don't stop this Right now I'm going to take away all your video games. Well, now they're going to go to level 10 because they were already upset about one thing and now you've taken away everything away, everything that they like. Well, what's left? I may as well just burn it to the ground. So I like leading kids to a calm place first. And I lead them, see, once they're calm and I'm calm, well, now we can discipline because that means to teach. You know, it's even better than consequences, teaching your child how to handle frustration better. Next time I'd rather do a lot of proactive teaching than just saying, hey, you better stop that or else. So number six, you lead your child to calm. And I'm going to encourage you with this. Sit down, lie down, do something goofy, and always use an even non emotional tone that says, hey, everything's in control. I'm in control of myself. I've got this. I've seen this before, I've probably done this before. This isn't throwing me off. See, this communicates confidence that you're in control of yourself even though your child isn't. And this is really settling. And this sitting down thing, I love sitting. Why? Because every human being on the planet in any situation can sit down. But remembering, like, okay, I gotta remember my 10 calming strategies. I can't always remember this, but I can sit down. Sitting down changes my body posture, changes my tone of voice, it changes my perspective and it leads kids to a different place. Here's another one. Try this. Kids are acting up, kids are squabbling. Walk into the living room and lie down in the middle of the living room floor. And your kids are gonna be like, what's my mom and dad? What are my mom and dad doing lying down on the floor? Well, now I can actually teach because usually what happens, I walk into the room, you know what, I buy guys all these toys, all these video games. You can't even play well together for 20 minutes without. You go to your room, you go to your room. But when I lie down, I am taking back control of the situation. Not by controlling a child, but, but by controlling myself. It is really fascinating to watch. I did this with 1500 kids in our home and they always reacted the same way of like, what are you doing? And I was like, well, not reacting to you is one thing, but I can tell you're frustrated. Hey, why don't you go get a coloring book? I love coloring with kids and even with, even with teenagers. Look at picture a mom and Teenage daughter can be a dad too. Mom and teenage daughter going at each other and you're all tense and standing with your hands on your hips. See all that body posture? It's not helpful. And then your daughter kind of cocks her head a little bit and goes, ugh. And you're like, young lady, you will not do that to me. And she's going to be like, just did like my son said to me. But if you were to sit down in that situation, in the middle of that tension, that face off and start coloring, I guarantee you your daughter, after a few minutes of her little rumps and rolling her eyes to try to get you wrecked, will sit down and color with you. And now you're together. It's almost impossible to yell while you're coloring. So try that sometime. And then we go to intensity Eating disorders can drastically change a child's behavior and mood. And it can be scary as a parent watching your child become more angry or withdrawal while struggling with weight loss, dieting, extreme picky eating. These changes are not your kid's fault. It's the eating disorder. The good news is that eating disorder recovery is possible and the sooner you get help, the better outcome your child will have. That's why I'm excited to introduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that provides you with evidence based care so your child can heal at home. Each equipped family has access to a dedicated team of eating disorder experts that include a therapist, dietitian, medical provider and mentors with lived experience. Equipped providers have deep experience treating young people with all kinds of eating disorders, including lesser known diagnoses like arfid. Equip has no wait list and is covered by most major insurance plans. If you're concerned about your child's relationship with food or don't wait to get an expert's advice, visit Equip Health Calm for a free consultation with Equip. That's Equip Health Calm. So this is really cool. I go to hungryroot.com calm and I click our food preferences. Carb Conscious, less sugar, high protein, anti inflammatory and immediately I get 10 plus options. So I choose the Tzatziki Chicken bowl with quinoa which with 47 grams of protein it takes five minutes to prepare. It's delicious. No wasted ingredients, no stress battling traffic and grocery store lines. That means more time to enjoy your family and life. Hungryroot is like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist wrapped into one. They recommend healthy groceries and meals tailored to your family's nutrition preferences and tastes. Hungryroot has healthy groceries like smoothies, kids snacks, ready to eat meals, and salad kits. We love Hungryroot, So go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box. Hungryroot.com calm codecalm use intensity and then give your child a mission to do and you'll hear this phrase all the time in our programs. Motion changes emotion. Motion helps a child process disappointment and frustration. So get them moving and doing a specific physical activity. So I start with the intensity. Oh, max. I'd be frustrated too if that happened to me. Hey, you know what I like to do when I get frustrated? And you can lead your child by doing a physical activity yourself or giving them some kind of challenge. Hey, bet you can't crawl through your obstacle course in less than a minute. Bet you can't climb that. Hey, do you think you could carry that heavy mulch bag into the garden? Hey, are you strong enough to dig three holes in the backyard? Physical challenges help work off frustration. Some of you have kids who are climbers, so I'd have them climb a tree. You might even put something up there for them to get have them climb. Some people have rock climbing walls like in their basement or the side of the house. It can be very, very calming because you're focused so intently on climbing and getting to that next place where I'm going to put my foot. See, think about when kids are upset. I want to give them something to focus on instead of, you need to calm down right now. And the intensity lets your child know you're taking the situation seriously. Remember that little paper airplane example? Kid comes home with a paper airplane, throws it, it doesn't fly well. So your strong will child's going to crumple up the airplane. Stupid airplane. I hate my airplane. I'm dumb. And every good parent comes in the room, oh, honey, that was a really good airplane. And your strong will child's like, duh, if it were a good airplane would have flown the right way. Instead, I come in with some intensity. Of course you're frustrated. All day at school, you were thinking about making that paper airplane when you got home and didn't fly right. That's frustrating. Hey, I'm going to go to, I'm going to go grab something to drink. I got to go change my clothes. I'm Going to go to the bathroom. I always like giving space when I get back, hey, let's problem solve. So I use intensity. And then I don't stare at them, waiting for them to calm themselves down. I give them space. So I encourage you, number eight, have a fire drill plan for your home. Because you are going to have emotional fires in your home. Having a specific job that each of you does when you're upset will help you and your kids feel like you're in control of something. Oh, man, I really forgot. I just forgot. I really need some help carrying this outside. It's heavy. Do you think you're strong enough to help me? With older kids, I ask them do something grown up because it makes them feel important, competent, needed, like an adult. Cooking, mixing ingredients. All those things are really good for your sensory kids that we missed before. Shoveling mulch or dirt, digging a hole in the yard, carrying heavy objects, crawling under a tight space. They all create order in your child's body and brain. And that leads us to sensory issues. Sensory pressure and exercises can be very calming. So let me cover this kind of as a bonus, really quickly, many of you have kids who have sensory processing needs. Some kids are hypersensitive, so everything feels more intense to them. Sounds that don't bother you can be extremely overwhelming and even painful to your kids. That's why some kids get overwhelmed with or refuse to go see fireworks displays. The sound and light are piercing to them. So try noise canceling headphones, Keep earplugs with you wherever you go, or just do an alternative activity. This fourth of July, when we first began doing this, I noticed this pattern. Teachers were saying, hey, your child is really distracted not paying attention in the afternoon. And parents were mentioning, hey, when my child comes home, they go straight for the bathroom. And I finally pieced this together. You know what we found? It was because our kids wouldn't use the bathroom for three reasons. In some schools, those toilets, now when you flush them, they sound like a tornado. They're too loud. The bathroom is where many of our kids get picked on. And some kids, they just have pee anxiety. They don't want to pull down their pants because then their things hanging out. And other kids may make fun of them. So guess what they do? They hold it all afternoon. So guess what? They don't have focus issues. They just had to pee. I noticed this in kids at our camp. They would sit and they keep like building with their Legos and their legs were kind of crossed and I'd be like, hey, Legos. Will be back when you're done. I'll watch them. And then they would get up and they would go and do their business and come back. Some of you have kids who are really sensitive to smells. Our son was like that. He's like, smell freak. He smelled everything. They're hypersensitive to it. That's why I like doing homework sometimes while you're cooking dinner, because that can be calming and stimulate their brains. Look, it's why many of us, we do work at a coffee shop. It's not just the caffeine, it's the aroma. The olfactory senses are stimulated and that helps us learn. That's why sometimes lighting a scented candle can help. When Casey was young and he was struggling in school, I would put a little bit of my edge shaving gel right under his nose and it stimulated his olfactory senses and it was a familiar scent. Some of you are very sensory with foods and it's going to drive you crazy. And they eat the same foods all the time. Just chill with that. Don't create so much drama and tension around eating food. Just model it. If you eat healthy, eventually they will, just not in your timing. Your strong willed kids will never do anything in your timing. So check. Chill with your anxiety and all of those things. This is all very. This is all very normal. Some of your kids are also hyposensitive. So what they're looking for in their bodies is physical pressure, usually on their joints. Their body is literally screaming. Okay, I guess it's not literally screaming. I know some of you get really triggered. I don't like when you say literally because it's not literally. And sometimes I literally do literally because it literally irritates you so much. And I'm like that. But I will correct myself. So their body metaphorically is screaming for this pressure. It's settling for their bodies and I think in some ways for their brains. And I'm very much like this. Casey is a very sensory kid. If he does not go scale a mountain on skis or feet very routinely, he's a jerk. And so am I. And so this is very settling. It's why some of your kids, if you allow them to allow them or put them in a sleeping bag on the floor or in a closet, they'll sleep really well. Or they'll sleep between the bed and the wall, pile stuff on them. That sensory pressure feels really good. I would wake these kids up in the morning with some sensory pressure. Look, if you have little sensory kids and they show up in the early Grades without getting exercise in the morning, they're going to walk in the classroom, see a bunch of boys or girls in the back of the classroom and do what? They're going to rumble. And your child's teacher is going to say, well, your child is being aggressive. Well, that's what the outward behavior looks like. But they're just seeking sensory pressure. And they're little kids, so the first thing they figure out is, well, I just wrestle with other kids to get that need met. Look, when we were kids, we got a lot of that. We played, played. We did horseplay and rough housing, which is really good for their brains. We played a game called kill the guy with the ball. You threw a football up in the air, one guy caught it, and then four or five of us would jump on that guy and tackle him. Do you know how much sensory pressure we were getting back then? We were falling down, we were walking on uneven surfaces, on streams. And that met sensory needs. But kids don't get that as much anymore. So in school, in the classroom, I'm going to have them do move heavy books, do chair push ups, where you're sitting in your chair and you use your hands on your palms, you push down on the side of the chair and lift up. And I can do that right in the middle of class. It doesn't take any time. It doesn't distract anyone. If you go through the ADHD university program, it's in the package. Go through this in great, great detail. And that's why martial arts, swimming, gymnastics, wrestling, ice hockey, rock climbing, shoveling mulch, doing yard work. It's really good for our kids. I would encourage you have an obstacle course, build one in your backyard. Things your kids are in the basement, things they have to crawl under, crawl over, push, pull. In the morning, wake your kids up, hey, hid your breakfast in your obstacle course. And they have to go out and forage for their food. And that is very settling for their bodies. And it's fun. I would also look up an occupational therapist. OTs are among my favorite people in the world. They are always positive, they're helpful, they're practical, and they love kids. So this summer, let's practice a calming routine. Use sensory pressure. Look, we practice vocabulary words, we practice math facts. So why not have five or six calming routines already planned out ahead of time? We used to have a quick little list on our refrigerator because in the moment you're like, oh, what am I supposed to do? And I can glance at the refrigerator and I can see like, oh, that's our fire drill like they have at school. So have a plan for the emotional fires when, not if they inevitably happen. Have a predetermined plan and options when your child gets upset. I love this phrase. Oh, I just remembered. Oh, I forgot. Could you help me with. And that gives me two or three seconds to come up with any kind of mission. Something often that is adult type job or something kind of challenging, right? Oh, I just remembered the broom in the basement is broke. Could you find some duct tape and fix that for me? So now the child is doing something physical that they're in control of. That is very common. And I just realized I said I'd have 10 ways, but I only have nine. So here's number 10. Be that steady, immovable rock who puts out the emotional fire in the home. The firefighter who calmly assesses the situation bravely stands in the midst of the emotional flames and puts the fire out. Moms and dads, grandparents, I'm proud of you for taking on this challenge. Work through the programs over the summer while you're not stressed with homework so you're ready for the new school year. And let your kids listen to them. Our kids are so smart and they will recognize things like, oh, yeah, I need. I could do that ask, by the way, ask them, say, hey, have you noticed when you get upset or you do something that I react and it tends to escalate and we have all these emotional fireworks. What could we begin doing differently? What could I do differently to de escalate? What could you do? Ask your kids, because now you're teaching them. Okay, Enjoy your fourth of July holiday, my American friends. And for the rest of you, I hope you're enjoying your summer. Love you all. We'll talk to you soon.