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Calm Parenting Podcast
10 Quick Phrases That Instantly Calm Kids Who Are Angry, Defiant, Arguing & Bossy #505
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Kirk Martin
So we've been talking on the podcast about getting ready for back to school time. Here's another idea. Let your kids have some ownership of their homework space. Go to Wayfair.com you'll find a huge assortment of desks, organizers and school supplies that can help your visual learners. Let your kids pick out a few items. We switched one year to a standing desk so Casey could move while writing and doing work. It was a game changer. We love Wayfair.com because it's one stop shopping right from the comfort of our home with fast free delivery even on those larger items. Oh, another idea. Get a whiteboard so you can visually lay out your daily or weekly schedule. Plus, it's a great place to write chores so you don't have to repeat yourself 15 times. Wayfair makes this way easy. Get organized, refreshed, and back to routine. For way less, head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W A. Apply F A I R.com Wayfair every style, every home you know Our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn. IXL makes that so much easier. IXL is an online learning program that riches your homeschool curriculum From K to 12. IXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level. IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. On ixl, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path, and our kids thrive on positive feedback. IXL consistently reinforces success. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com Kirk Visit ixl.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. 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That's L E-E-S a.com promo code CALM for 25% off mattresses plus an extra $50 off and let them know that the CALM parenting podcast sent you Lisa.com promo code CALM so do you have a child who goes from 0 to 60, emotionally lies when confronted with behavior, loves to argue like an attorney? What about a child who is shut down or feels misunderstood? How can you get a toddler, tween or teen to actually listen to you? I want to give you 10 quick phrases you can use in different situations to de escalate and stop the power struggles. That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate. Com. You can find us in our special Christmas in July sale@celebratecolm.com look, your words can inflame a situation like a match in a dry haystack. But the flip side is your words can calm almost any situation pretty quickly. No matter what your child says or does later today or tomorrow, you get to choose the words you use. You are completely in control of whether you inflame or calm the situation. So look, these phrases and statements, they won't solve every problem, but they will begin to de escalate situations. So practice even speaking this out loud while you are listening to them while you're driving in the car, and you'll probably have an opportunity to use them very quickly because you have strong will kids. So here's number one. I'm curious. When we're upset at our child's behavior, we tend to say things like, what were you thinking? How many times do I have to tell you? And those questions are demeaning. They're counterproductive. They put the child on the defensive. Would you allow your spouse to question you like that? Right? Like what were you thinking? No. Your response would be like, well, I'm rethinking my marriage choice is what I'm thinking. So nor, you know, you wouldn't put up with a boss interrogating you like that. Plus, there's no good answer. What's your child supposed to say? I was thinking, I love to feel like you're perpetually disappointed in me and I like losing all my video games. So I'm curious. Says and hey, I'm not mad at you. I'm not Interested in doling out some punishment? I want to help you make a better choice next time. So I'm curious. What were you feeling back then? What was going on inside that caused you to lash out at your sister or your mother or your dad like that? It's an invitation to share without fear of reprisals or lectures. So get in the habit of saying this in a casual tone. I. I use this probably every day of my life with someone and say, hey, I'm curious. I'm wondering. It's just a great phrase. Number two, I think I misunderstood or misjudged your intentions. Our kids often feel very misunderstood, and that causes them to lash out, be defiant, or shut down. Not to mention just feeling hurt and lonely. You could even ask this as a question. Hey, did I just misunderstand or misjudge your motives or intentions? Try that sometime with your child, with your spouse. I promise it will make a big difference. And this is very personal for me. Look, you can call me a jerk or an a hole. I won't flinch because I can be those things. That doesn't really bother me. But if you misjudge my motives or assign bad intentions to what I'm doing, that cuts deeply. Look, everybody wants to feel understood. This phrase is more powerful than you can imagine, especially with it. Especially with an older child who's kind of felt this way, misunderstood for a long time. Number three, that doesn't sound like you. So your child's upset, lashing out defiantly, and you have every right to say, young lady, you will not speak to me like that with that tone. And this what? That will escalate the situation very quickly, if that's what you want. And her response may be the same as my son's. One time when I said, you can't talk to me like that, and he said, just did. So next time, sit down, cross your legs and say, you know, that doesn't sound like you. And you could add, if it doesn't sound patronizing, hey, it sounds like you're really frustrated, so you're separating the behavior from the child. The hard part is it does sound like your child a lot of the time. But let me give you this analogy. You have rough days like I do when you yell at your kids or do something that you're not proud of. How would you like it if your spouse or friend said, you know what? You're really out of control. I can't believe you would say that. No, what you want is for someone to assume the best about your intentions and Say, hey, that doesn't sound like the real you, honey. That sounds like you just had a bad day. It sounds like you're overwhelmed. See, this phrase is disarming in the moment. A moment when your child is most likely angry. Angry at himself or herself for being upset. Your child's probably. They're probably beating themselves up inside, even muttering, I'm dumb, I'm stupid. Because they think this angry, upset or out of control child is who they really are, who they're destined to be, and they feel incapable of changing. And now you've just said, hey, it's not that you're defiant right now. You. You're just anxious. And I get that. So let's deal with the frustration or the anxiety that's causing you to speak like that. And you just provided clarity as the adult and you reframed the situation. And now you're going to show your child how to help himself or herself. And that's settling. Number four. Hey, I know you know that that was wrong. Assume the best. You have kids who make poor choices because they're strong willed and they have poor impulse. And when you hold them accountable for their choices, they usually lie. And then you get upset because they lied. But most of our kids lie because they want to avoid your disappointment and the consequences. They're ashamed of their behavior, so they lie to cover up their lack of impulse control. It's very common. But take a minute and put yourself in your strong willed child's shoes. Now, some of you can't relate because you are always the good boy or good boy growing up. But imagine being in trouble constantly. Like a cop is trailing you 247 waiting for you to mess up. That's what it feels like for many of your kids. And at the exact moment our kids are feeling ashamed, we say things like, I can't believe that you would do that. Like, what if I saw you in the grocery store snapping at your kids and said, I can't believe you'd yell at your kids that way. Especially after listening to my podcast. Right? You bury your head in shame or come up with an excuse. We are so quick to punish or give kids consequences that we rarely get to the root of the behavior and teach them how to do it differently next time, which is what discipline is. So try this instead when they mess up. Hey, I know that you know what you just did was wrong. I'm not upset at you. I'm not surprised. I'm just curious. Like that phrase, what's going on? Because my assumption is you don't want to lose all your stuff. Why don't we rewind that situation and practice doing it differently? Now, you've assumed the best about your child's intentions and acknowledged that he or she isn't just being difficult on purpose. You've demonstrated that you're in control. You're not making it into some big deal or creating a lot of drama. And instead of focusing your energy on their behavior or the problem, you're leading your child to a solution. A better way to do it next time, you're showing your child and giving your child tools so they don't keep making the same mistake, which gets them in trouble and causes them to lose stuff. See, that's problem solving. That's teaching. That's discipline. Number five. You know what? I'm feeling really frustrated right now, so I really need some space to work through my own frustration. See, instead of telling your kids what to do and controlling others, you're being assertive about what you need and what you're going to do. And remember this principle. I cannot control what you are going to do, but I can always tell you what I am going to do. Look, it's really good modeling for your kids. So instead of lashing out, you're working on your own response to their behavior or to your own mood. Now, what about kids who are relentless arguers? Number six. You know what? I think you're right about that. Now, how many times have you gotten into that endless back and forth with your child? Whether they're three or 13, they get you riled up, and you feel the need to prove your point and show them the error of their ways. But you've been blessed with the most persistent child on the planet, so your child won't and can't let it go. So now it becomes a competition. How many of you have ever complained, oh, my child just likes to get the last word in. And at live events, I always used to ask or say, you know what the real issue is? We want to get the last word in. And we're like, yeah, well, I'm justified because I'm the authority figure. No, it doesn't work. And you never really change the other person's mind. So what happens is you get increasingly frustrated because you are the authority figure and this kid just needs to listen to your wisdom. And you never would have argued with your parents like this. So your voice, your tone get louder and sharper. You throw your hands in the air, and the more upset you get, the more your child persists. And this always escalates so who's going to be the grown up here? Not your child. That's your job. So next time you find yourself in this kind of endless loop of arguing, stop, look your child directly in the eyes and say, you know what, I think you're right about that. And then walk away. Your child has probably never heard this his entire life. It's so disarming that it may stop him in his or her tracks and defuse that argument. I used to use this with Casey sometimes just to throw him off. See, your child can be right about a situation. It doesn't mean you have to give in to your child's demands or relinquish your authority, but you don't have to prove your point point in every situation. By the way, that was one of the hardest things for me to stop doing, especially in my marriage with my wife was like, well, I just feel like I need to prove my point. It took me almost a full year of affirmations and having an email. You do not have to prove your point. It is so liberating when you don't have to control other people or their opinions. This phrase is refreshingly honest and humble and and it takes the fuel out of the argument. You're just refusing to argue. It's beneath your dignity. I hope your child argues with you tonight so you can try this one right away. Eating disorders can drastically change a child's behavior and mood and it can be scary as a parent watching your child become more angry or withdrawal while struggling with weight loss, dieting, extreme picky eating. These changes are not your kid's fault. It's the eating disorder. The good news is that eating disorder recovery is possible and the sooner you get help, the better outcome your child will have. That's why I'm excited to introduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that provides you with evidence based care so your child can heal at home. 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Lecture 43B on how to make good friendships so they stop opening up and telling us stuff. So if you want your child to actually open up to you tonight, try this. Instead of pouncing with a lecture, control yourself first. Hey, I appreciate you sharing that with me. I've got some thoughts I'd like to share with you, but I'm going to go walk the dog, cook dinner, read my book. If you want to come get me later, I'd be happy to share my thoughts with you and then walk out of the room without saying a word. Now I know you're going to be trembling, thinking, how is my child going to live without my wisdom for the next two hours? But here's what you've really said to your child. I respect you enough to give you space. Space to come get me if you want to hear my opinion, and space to determine that you don't want to. I trust you and respect your wishes, man. That is very powerful to kids. Now, when your child does ask you later, okay, mom or dad, what are these amazing thoughts you have? Or more likely, okay, what are your stupid ideas? They're ready to listen because you didn't force it on them. They came and opened their hearts to you, which means they are more likely to receive it and there is trust built now. Just be patient. Don't get upset if they choose not to come to you. That's their choice and they're probably testing you to see if you will actually give them space to own it or if you'll give in and just be like, I've got to give you my lecture anyway. My son told me this once. I can't even begin to explain how huge this was in our home and how much it meant to me as a kid. I was much more likely to approach approach you guys to talk about my issues and ask your advice and guidance in my teen years because you guys trusted me and gave me that space. Now, final word of caution. If your teens and tweens don't feel safe coming to you for advice, they will go to their teenage friends. And teenage friends have horrible advice. So do create an environment in which your kids feel safe telling you everything, anything, without your dreaded lecture. A drama, a big response, a disappointing shake of the head. I would apologize to them and say, hey, I'm sorry. I apologize because in the past, every time you've opened up and told me something, I responded with a lecture or I've created drama. Simple apology, short and sweet. Number eight. I can imagine. Doesn't feel that great talking like that. Imagine is a powerful word and you are changing your perspective from how their words make you feel to understanding how their defiant, disrespectful words make them feel inside. Look, I'm a grown up. I'm not looking to my child for validation. Instead of reacting and getting so outraged about how their outburst makes you feel, their words should be a warning siren that that lets you know, oh, something negative is going on inside my child's heart. Something happened at school. Something happened with a friend. Let me get to the root of it. Not so that they stop treating me like that, but so they don't have to feel that ick inside anymore. Now, this has nothing to do with letting your kids get away with being blatantly disrespectful and calling you awful names. I'm just talking about them venting at times. When that comes out, I just incur. I just encourage you try this sometime. It's not my favorite of the 10, but sometimes it can be helpful. So you're affirming what your child is feeling inside, not reacting to the outward behavior. It's kind of a very mature, calming approach that says, hey, I hear all this outside noise. I hear that. What I'm really interested in is what's going on inside that's causing that to come out. Because I'd like to help you get to the root of that, because that probably doesn't feel good inside. It doesn't feel good to talk like that. Okay, number nine. Hey, I apologize I was wrong, or, hey, I've been thinking about what you said, and I think I was wrong? Humility is one of the most powerful calming tools you can ever use. It is almost impossible to keep arguing, attacking, or being defensive when you lead your child to a place of calm by being honest and humble. I discovered this one was hard for me because my dad was career military. There was no humility coming from my dad when we were kids. It was just all fear and intimidation. And I thought, well, I sound weak like this. And what I found was, oh, I was very, very powerful because I was choosing humility. I had every right, I felt justified to lay into Casey to do something, but I chose humility, and it led him to that place of humility. I would use this often with your kids, with your spouse, with your friends. You can never. Look, I've told Casey this a million times. Like when we're on hikes. I said, I know two things you can never go wrong in life. Being generous. And you can never go wrong leading with humility, ever. So the added benefit is you're modeling the very attitude you crave to see your kids exhibit number 10. Hey, you're not being defined or bossy right now. You're just overwhelmed. Give your kids wisdom and insight. So almost every day for about a decade, we'd have, like, six, eight, ten kids come to our house after school to do their homework and learn social skills. And almost every day, these kids would march into my house and boss me around. So you've got two possible responses here. You know what? You're not the. This was my initial one that I was inside my head. You know what? You're not the boss of me. This is my house. I'm the authority here. Stop being such a bossy little jerk. No wonder you don't have any friends. Now, you can think that, but don't say that. So one day, I remember I tried assuming the best and. And searched for wisdom. What's really going on here? What's the root of this? And then it hit me, and I said, you know, Sean, that doesn't sound like you. I think I know what's going on all day at school. Everything is out of your control. You get Told what to do, how to do, when to do it, all day long. And then you come here and your sister's here and she's irritating and all of these kids are noisy and it's all out of your control. So you get bossy. You know how I know that? Because I'm the same way when I get tired, I get bossy when I'm not feeling well in my body because that feels like something's out of control. I try to control other situations. I get very particular. I get bossy. So here's the thing. You're not a bossy kid. You just feel overwhelmed because everything's out of your control. But everything's okay. Here. Here's what I could really use some help with though. And, and then I would give him a couple jobs to do around the house that would help me. He was good at fixing stuff, so I'd say, hey, there's a broken broom in the basement. Do you think you can find some duct tape and fix that for me? It gave him a sense of ownership, a task he could accomplish and feel in control of. So he didn't have to control me or the other kids. A child who feels in control of himself or herself doesn't have to control others. And when you are doing this again, you're separating the behavior from the person and you're giving insight so that your child can change his or her own behavior themselves. Do you know how reassuring it feels as a kid to know you're not just a bossy jerk, you're just overwhelmed. This is one of my favorite things to do with our kids because it is insight they can use for the rest of their lives. I did that episode back in early June on anxiety. So many of our kids struggle with anxiety and out of anxiety they lash out, they become defiant, they shut down. And rather than going through life thinking, well, I'm just a defiant bad kid, it's really helpful to know that this anxiety inside of me causes me to do those things. So now I can proactively deal with my anxiety. See, our kids are really bright and they are very self reflective. Once we slow their world down. I'll give you one more amazing idea came from a family like yours. So a dad had emailed and said, kirk, my wife and I bought your programs. We decided to take a risk. We let our two kids, and they're ages 8 and 10, listen to a few of the programs before we did and tell us. We said, tell us three things you want us to change over the summer. As long as the ideas are calm, Guy approved and their requests. They requested three things. Mom and dad, please stop lecturing. Number two, they told dad, their dad, they said, I shake my head in disapproval like you used to. They heard you say that in the programs like you used to. And it really makes them feel defeated. Defeated, like they can't please me. And they said, we as a couple need to take more time together. And the dad said, that blew us away. And then they surprised us with this. They said, because we, the dad said, we didn't ask them. We just said, hey, come up with three things we need to change. Because we wanted to take the leadership of changing ourselves first without them having to change themselves. But they said they were going to begin being responsible for one meal every night, including, quote, doing a half hearted job at cleaning up. And he said, those are my strong willed son's words and we're going to get better at getting off screens when asked without a fight. And they cited your son's word. Casey has a program that kids listen to. If you can control yourself and your parents won't have to. Our 8 and 10 year old want to be treated more like adults. And the dad said, I didn't see this coming. I can't tell you how much this means. We bought the programs before the Christmas in July sale and they are worth every penny. So thank you, mom and dad, shout out to Eliza and Max for stepping up. Proud of you both. And now your parents are going to treat you more like adults and you're going to do things for them. This is awesome. You're. Now look, all these statements we discussed today, they take the fuel out of the power struggle. They're disarming, they're calming. The best part is you have power to change every single situation by controlling yourself first. You know your child best. So which two or three of these do you plan to use within the next 15 minutes? Kidding. But plan ahead. Moms and dads, thanks for working so hard at this. Thank you for listening, sharing the podcast with others. Love you all. Do take advantage of that Christmas in July sale. Let your kids listen and take some ownership and it's really, really cool how that works. All right, love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye bye.