Episode Overview

Podcast: Calm Parenting Podcast
Host: Kirk Martin
Episode: 10 Ways to Cultivate A Growth Mindset in Kids Who Make Excuses, Blame Others, Lose Poorly (#536)
Date: November 16, 2025

This episode tackles the challenge many parents face with strong-willed or neurodivergent kids—children who struggle with accountability, dislike losing, and often feel unmotivated by academic benchmarks. Host Kirk Martin focuses on practical ways to foster a genuine growth mindset, helping children discover confidence and resilience outside of traditional success markers like grades and obedience. Inspired by a letter from a neurodivergent listener named Jess, Kirk shares ten actionable strategies—rooted in real-life client stories and his own parenting experience—to help parents reframe expectations and nurture their children's unique strengths.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the Roots of Excuses, Blame, and Poor Losing

• (06:34) Kirk describes kids who make excuses, blame others, and struggle to own their actions—not as having character flaws, but as children lacking confidence inside.

• Many such kids become “seven uppers”—claiming to be better (“I have 3,000 Yu-Gi-Oh cards!”) as a way to compensate for insecurity.

• Academic and behavioral success is generally overemphasized, leaving non-compliant or uninterested kids with nothing to draw upon during challenges.

  "These are kids who often, they struggle with losing … and it's not a character issue. It is, they do not have confidence inside."
  —Kirk (07:00)

2. The Limits of Academic Success as a Focus

• (09:50) Kirk questions the connection between academic performance and later life success, noting that many accomplished adults succeeded using traits rarely measured in school.

• Emphasizes practical skills—decision-making, problem-solving, communication, empathy—that aren't reflected in grades.

  "A lot of times, very bright people often have a lot of knowledge but they don’t put it together into life and relational success."
  —Kirk (10:35)

3. Building Confidence Through Non-Academic Success

• (13:28–20:15) Kirk offers concrete stories from clients:

  • Plant Enthusiast (Preschooler): A five-year-old more interested in teaching peers to care for plants than completing worksheets, leading to real leadership and botany skills.
  • Rock Climber (Elementary): A boy ignored for not focusing at school, but highly strategic and resourceful while building a backyard climbing wall and teaching others for profit.
  • Young Philanthropist: A student raising money for the Ronald McDonald House by persuading classmates to sell valued items—demonstrating empathy, leadership, and initiative.

  "In order to take care of plants, there’s patience...she’s now teaching other kids, that’s leadership."
  —Kirk (14:25)

4. Letting Kids Explore and Succeed in Their Own Domains

• (21:50) Individual pursuits like camping, building with LEGO, or organizing a home business allow children to exercise decision-making, persistence, and problem-solving—skills not always visible in schoolwork.

• Success in these activities builds the “reservoir” of confidence kids need for life’s challenges.

  "Maybe I don’t get all A’s in my classes, but man, I built my own rock climbing wall ... I would rather have that."
  —Kirk (18:51)

5. Practical Growth Mindset Strategies (The 10 Tips)

1. Acknowledge Non-Academic Excellence

• Give space for kids to thrive in what excites them. (15:10)

2. Encourage Decision-Making

• Let kids make choices, weigh risks, and take responsibility for consequences. (11:16)

3. Praise for Effort and Persistence, Not Only Results

• "I love your persistence because that thing you were building fell down and yet you kept going." (32:20)

4. "I Believe You're Capable"

• Use affirming language. (29:00)

  "Yeah, that assignment's really hard, but I believe you’re capable of using that creativity in your imagination to do a really awesome job on that essay."
  —Kirk (29:08)

5. Step Back to Let Kids Step Up

• Give ownership and let them figure things out in their own way. (29:45)

6. Normalize and Celebrate Failure

• Make failure dinner-table conversation; share your own setbacks as learning moments. (31:10)

  "See, you are normalizing failure, and you’re actually rewarding them for trying things like that."
  —Kirk (31:42)

7. Model Your Own Growth Mindset

• Kirk shares his fear of heights and progress in solo hiking as a middle-aged adult, allowing himself to struggle and learn privately. (34:00)

  "When I was by myself, I could struggle and figure out how to move in the snow … even at an older age, that growth mindset comes from trying new things."
  —Kirk (35:18)

8. Involve Kids in Meaningful Family/Real-Life Projects

• Let them use skills (e.g., spreadsheets, social media marketing) in family businesses. (36:22)

9. Create a Life Skills "Report Card"

• Shift the focus from academics alone to include leadership, problem-solving, and resilience. (37:45)

10. Unconditional Acceptance and Affirmation

• A touching listener story where a father learns to appreciate his son’s unique gifts, transforming their relationship.

  "It feels really good to know that Dad likes me now … it feels like Dad believes in me now and he's starting to notice the things that I'm good at, not just the things he wants me to be good at."
  —Listener’s Child, via email (39:32)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Overlooking Academic Weakness:
  "You have those traits. You just struggle a little bit with some of the kid things." (38:49)

• Practical Homework for Parents:
  "If you need to apologize, just matter-of-factly, 'Hey strong-willed child, I apologize. We have placed too much emphasis on just doing academic things and we've overlooked all these other amazing traits you have.'" (41:42)

• On Building a Growth Mindset:
  "Those qualities will make you wildly successful in life." (42:14)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro and Listener Letter from Jess: 03:00
• #1: Why Kids Become Defensive/Blame Others: 06:34
• #2: Reason School Success Isn’t Everything: 09:50
• #3: Real-Life Non-Academic Success Stories: 13:28–20:15
• #4: The Power of Individual Pursuits: 21:50
• #5–10: The 10 Growth Mindset Strategies (Rapid Fire): 29:00–39:32
• Listener Story – Parental Transformation: 39:32
• Closing Takeaways and Parent Homework: 41:42

Summary Table: 10 Growth Mindset Tips

| # | Tip | Time | Key Point | |---|-----|------|-----------| | 1 | Emphasize non-academic excellence | 15:10 | Reward initiative outside school | | 2 | Encourage decision-making | 11:16 | Let kids weigh options, take risks | | 3 | Praise effort & persistence | 32:20 | Recognize hard work, resilience | | 4 | "I believe you’re capable" | 29:08 | Empower with affirming language | | 5 | Step back, let kids step up | 29:45 | Grant ownership and independence | | 6 | Normalize/celebrate failure | 31:10 | Share and praise learning from loss | | 7 | Model growth yourself | 34:00 | Try new things as a parent | | 8 | Involve kids in real projects | 36:22 | Let them contribute in family life | | 9 | Create life skills report card | 37:45 | Focus on traits vital for adulthood | |10 | Unconditional acceptance | 39:32 | Love children as they are |

Closing Thoughts

Kirk’s episode is a compassionate, practical roadmap for parents whose kids don’t fit the usual molds of academic or behavioral achievement. The main message: Build your child’s growth mindset and confidence by valuing their natural gifts, encouraging effort, normalizing setbacks, and genuinely believing in their potential—even when they do things differently.

Final Parent Homework:
Reflect on your own expectations, openly value your child’s individual strengths, and if necessary, apologize for prior overemphasis on grades or compliance. Above all, make sure your child knows you truly see and believe in their unique, real-world potential.