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Calm Parenting Podcast
10 Ways to Internally Motivate Confident Kids & Prepare Them For Life Success #525
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So many of you have strong willed and neurodivergent kids who just don't care that much about school. They're not going to put the work in no matter what you do. So what should you focus on instead? How can you internally motivate these kids? How can you build their confidence and prepare them for life success? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm you can find us and a huge fall sale@celebratecalm.com so last episode we established that success in school is, is not an accurate predictor of life success. So does that mean we let kids lay around and play video games and not do anything? Absolutely not. I want to give you an alternative plan that will work with kids who have an alternative path. And I came up with 10 different ideas for you to focus on. So let's roll through that. So number one, control your own anxiety. You are going to struggle with fear and anxiety daily because you're watching your kids not do what they're supposed to doing during their kid years. And you're like, oh, if you don't get an education, if you don't get a degree, if you don't develop a healthy study habits, how are you ever going to be successful in life? Control that anxiety. You are going to be judged by your parents, by your sister in law, by your relatives, by your friends because you're not forcing your child to do their schoolwork. But those of you who have these kids, look, I deal in reality, you can try to make them, they will likely shut down even more and sabotage themselves more. And some of your kids, and it's not funny, they'll just get kicked out of school. Some of you, you're just going to second guess yourself. And I get that we did the same thing. This is really hard. But I want you to let go of the false expectations you have of yourself and of your kids and let go of the lies that we as society and tell people all the time that there's one path that you do well in school and then you go to college and then you get a good job. That is a great path. It's an easier path, but it's not the one that your kids are going to pursue. So control your own anxiety. Otherwise you're just going to create endless power struggles, tons of stress. Neither you nor your child will enjoy their childhood and and they will shut down. Number two, give your kids tools to do their schoolwork differently. And again, go back and listen to episode 518 from September 14th 10 Ways to Improve focus and executive function. Some of your kids aren't doing well in school because schools tend to only teach kids one way to do it. They tend to teach to the neurotypical kids. And our kids and people like me, we don't learn that way. We don't manage our time. We manage our energy to hyper focus. You need to use rhythm. Remember that example I did of a kid who's doing homework instead of sit down at the table. No, stand at the kitchen counter. I am standing right now at my desk while I do this. Why? Because I like the movement. Because it helps me project a little bit more and it helps me focus better. So they can stand at the kitchen counter rocking back and forth, chewing on a snack while listening to intense music or. All of those things will help your kids get their schoolwork done more effectively. So give them tools, different tools. Number three, some of you need to grieve first, you need to grieve the fact that this child that you have been given is not going to go down the traditional path. And you may never see them graduate from high school. You may not see them. They may graduate, but they may not walk across the stage to get their diploma. Why? Because they don't care. Because it's stupid to them. Because, big deal, they don't want to do it. And so you're going to have to grieve that. You are going to have to. You don't have to do anything, but I encourage you, release them to follow their own path. I covered this last time a little bit of this couple who finally realized, like, we're type A freaks and we're trying to just make our child do it the way we did it. And what really released him to. To do it a different way was when we said, hey, we apologize for trying to force you to do things the way we want them done, the way we did it. And we release you to be the person you are. And I would also, if you go through that no BS program, I go through a whole litany of them. I release you from having to be just like your sister or brother. I release you from having to do things the way other kids do them, the way we did them. I release you to be you. That is very, very powerful. Look, there's going to be some embarrassment you have to deal with because some of your friends are going to be like, oh, what's Scott doing after high school? You're like, well, actually, he's dropping out of high school. And I want you to have confidence to be able to say so. Here's what our son knows. He has never liked school. He's never really been in it, into it. He's a really bright kid. He knows that a lot of it is very arbitrary. And so the last two years of high school, instead of just treading water and probably getting in trouble because he's bored in school, he's getting his GED. And in addition to getting his GED. He's going to start working a job at age 16, a more adult job, because he likes adult responsibilities. And he is going to start taking community college classes at age 16, which is awesome because he's getting a head start. It's a lot cheaper than taking classes at a regular college. And. And we're really proud of him for making this step. Now. Are you really proud of them? I don't know. I would be if that's the choice they make. But it can also be a little bit embarrassing. You're like, oh, I don't know if this is going to work out. But for some of your kids, that's a very, very bright, mature way to handle their life. And I mentioned it last time, a lot of those kids, they do this, they grow up, and then they end up transferring to a regular university. So grieve, release them. Deal with your own anxiety. Give them tools. Number four. I encourage you. Say no to homework. Sometimes. Say no to all of that school stress that we dump on our kids. And here's how I always did it. We did it with Casey. I go in and talk to the teacher and say, look, I really appreciate that you give our son homework because you care about him and you want him to learn. What I want you to know is some nights we are not going to get homework done, but we will always be learning. We're always doing different experiments, and he's very curious kids. So we're outside playing with things and. And we just let him follow his curiosity. Some nights we just want to play and laugh as a family. So some nights he's not doing his homework. And if you need to mark his grade down because he didn't do homework, that's okay, because we're not into grades right now. We're. We just want a curious child who loves to learn. I would encourage you, actively encourage your child's curiosity. In a podcast I did a couple weeks ago, I mentioned that thing of, like, you tell your child to do three chores, and in between doing them, he walks by the bathroom and says, huh, Be really interesting to take the toilet apart and not put it back together, because that's how it usually works. But that night, when your child takes that toilet or something else apart, your child is learning and they're seeing how gears work and they're seeing how things fit together. I want you to do that a lot. Sometimes just building with things in Legos or out in the garage, they are learning so much from that that they're not learning by doing worksheets having them do some work for a neighbor down the street, working on different projects, saying, hey, I'm really into. I want to start my own business. Do you know how much you learn by starting your own business? Because you have to decide, what product am I going to make? What am I going to put in it? How do I make a from others? How do I market? What is my sign going to say? How much am I going to price that at? Am I going to price it too low or too high? How can I maximize that? Where do I set up my lemonade stand? All these things are really important and they are just as or more important than doing well in school. Moms and dads, you have the right to say no to homework. They have the right to mark your child down. And that's okay. Especially in the earlier years, now in high school. Yet it has a bigger impact. But you can still do that. Now. I love this idea a lot. I would encourage you to make your own report card for your child because your kids are going to get a report card from school that measures a lot of those arbitrary things we talked about on the last episode. Ability to sit still and follow directions and doing their classwork, taking timed tests. Many of your kids just are not naturally good at any of those things. And their grades are going to reflect that, but that doesn't reflect how they're going to do in life. So my life skills report card and I did this for probably over a thousand kids that came to our camps. I would develop a report card and what I was doing is I was recognizing the skills, the real life skills that they have. And I'm not being funny. The kids who argue like attorneys, I know we like to joke, oh, they argue, they're going to be an attorney. No, you can use those skills in every aspect of your life. Because when they argue with you, they're listening to you, they hear what you're saying, and then they're using their critical thinking skills to develop an argument back. And they have to be persuasive and they're persistent. You can use that in so many different jobs. And I want your kids to know that that child of yours who goes down to Mr. Johnson's house and helps them out with projects because Mr. Johnson just had a heart attack. I want you to affirm that because you know what that is? That is stepping outside of yourself and seeing someone else and knowing they need something and going and using your big heart to do that. That kid I mentioned one time that does the pet sitting and he actually came up with a way for this mom to save money on cat litter. See, recognize those things because that is great marketing, that is innovation, all of those things. Even your kids who play video games, they're goal oriented, they're persistent, they're conscientious, they're strategic, they're leaders. Recognize those traits and create a life skills report card. So when your child comes home, probably deflated of like oh, here's my report card. Or when they come home in line, say, oh, they're not giving them out this semester like some of your kids will do. Now you can say, hey, I get that in school. Here are some things that we can work on in school and I'll help you with that. Some of these other things just don't matter that much. But here's your report card for life because here are the traits that are necessary that to crush it in real life that will provide perspective, that will begin to build confidence. Now what happens when you do have kids who struggle in different areas? Like a lot of young couples, our son and daughter in law both work multiple jobs and long hours. They love hunger root because it eliminates having to decide what to have for dinner and then making that stop at the grocery store when they're both tied, tired and hungry. Hungry root eliminates stress and it eliminates settling for expensive carryout and replaces that with healthy, delicious meals that only take minutes to prepare. Casey's more of a bison with tzatziki sauce or juicy chicken and rosemary potatoes guy, while our daughter in law loves the sesame ginger stir fry and cauliflower linguine. Plus you can find smoothies, kids snacks, salad kits and ready to eat meals that even picky kids love. We love Hungryroot. So go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box. That's hungryroot.com Calm code calm. We've been talking on the podcast about how our kids often resist our help but will listen to other adults use. Your kids may respond really well to a tutor, so check out Wyzant. Wyzant is the nation's largest network of tutors. With more than 65,000 expert tutors across 350 subjects. Wyzant makes sure every lesson is tailored to your child's needs and learning style. Whether your child is tackling algebra or chemistry or building study skills or learning Piano lessons are online and they're scheduled around your family's busy routine. There are no subscriptions, no costly packages, just the help you need when you need it. Help your child succeed in school and build their confidence with wyzant. Go to wyzant.com that's W-Y-Z-A-N-T.com and book your first lesson today. And for calm parenting podcast listeners, use code podcast15 to enjoy $15 off your first lesson, visit wiseant.com and and give your child the tools they need to thrive. You are going to struggle with this, but I want to encourage you with this. Do not fix everything that is supposedly wrong with your kids. Do not fix all of their weaknesses. You don't have to. There are some things that your kids are just not naturally good at and that's okay. Our son was never really good at science. You know what? We knew he wasn't going to grow up and be a physicist or, or a scientist because if he were, he would probably have some kind of natural aptitude or inclination to learn that. And what I don't want is, I don't want your kids to internalize that they're dumb. Because what we do in our society now is we almost, we hyper focus and spend 80% of our energy energy trying to fix our kids supposed weaknesses. And meanwhile what happens? Their natural gifts and talents atrophy. You are going to be successful in life to the degree that you use your natural gifts, talents and passions usually to help other people in some way and so you don't have to fix everything. Sure, I want to shore up some weaknesses. Casey wasn't great at math, but he knew enough and we taught him personal finance. He's fantastic at budgeting and investing and doing all the practical stuff, but he's not great at trigonometry or, or algebra 2. And he doesn't have to be. And also understand there are generalists in life and there are specialists. And many of us are like, well, I want my kids to be good at everything. You need to try your hardest at everything. That's not true. You try your hardest at the important things. And many of our kids are going to be specialists. And you see it already. They already have a couple things that they're just really, really into and have been since they were a little kid. And what happens with these people is they hyper focus on that area and they become the best at this one specific area of life. And guess what? They're highly satisfied in their work and they often make A lot of money versus people who are just kind of good at everything. So know that it's okay that your kids are not good and not good at certain things, and you don't have to fix it. Because remember, number seven, there's an opportunity cost. Because all that time that you're spending, well, I'm just trying to get them to be good at these two other skills. Guess what? Then they don't have time to be focusing on all their gifts, talents, and passions. I want you to cultivate their gifts, talents, and passions above all else and then teach them. Prioritize what matters. Relationships matter. Learning how to handle conflict. Your relationship with yourself of being confident and knowing that inside Practical finance. Communicating well. We made sure that Casey was very, very adept at verbal and written communication, because that sets him apart. And you always have very clear expectations. That child drops out and gets his GED or her ged. Hey, you got to pay for your own stuff. You got to work a job. So prioritize what matters. Here's another one. Number eight. Perspective and honesty. Provide you. Look, you and I know lots of people who didn't really excel academically, who didn't go to college, or maybe who struggled when they were young but killed it in college. And now they are wildly successful in life. Why? Some of them have street smarts, and they just know how to hustle. Not in a bad way. Hustle. They know how to. They take advantage of opportunities. An opportunity comes and they jump on it, and they say, yeah, I can do that, even if they don't have training in it. And they have that mix of, like, a willingness to risk and put themselves out there and be vulnerable and take a chance. And some of your kids, adults like them. I don't know why people. That sounded awful. People, Adults love Casey. They always have. He was super into cars as a kid. We would go to, like, a Ferrari dealership just to look, and I'd be out there. And he was 16, and here he comes driving a Ferrari out the parking lot. And he said, dad, I'm going for a test drive. I'm like, what? Because he had an ability not to manipulate. He just genuinely connected with these adults, and they saw something in them. And many of your kids have that. That is a fantastic life skill to have. And your kids need to know sometimes that is as important or more important than just being able to take a timed test. Well, now, here's another thing that I encourage you to do some form of this. Number nine. This is an honest talk that I had with Casey. And I said, casey, you are going to struggle in school. Why? Because success in school is dependent on using short term memory to memorize information for time tests. And short term memory is a natural weakness you have. Now that's the bad news. School will just be harder for you, but it doesn't mean you're dumb, inferior or less than. It means that it's an artificial, arbitrary environment which exposes some of your natural weaknesses. And, and I'm going to give you some tools to jumpstart your brain like we talked about. Movement, rhythm, managing your energy, not your time. I'll help you with that. But here's the counter the opposite part of that. You struggle with short term memory, but you have fantastic critical thinking and strategic thinking skills. Those are the skills that are going to be valued by companies in the real world. That's why you're good at building with Legos. You're good at cheap chess and checkers and arguing with me. That's why you see patterns, you can fix things, you can see how things fit together. You like the big picture. That's why when I ask you to do something, you ask why? Because you're looking for context to put everything together into the whole so you know the purpose. The good news is that companies and society value and pay people more for their strategic and critical thinking thinking skills. You just don't always get to use those in school. And you can add all kinds of things to this of like, hey, school is about following directions. You're not always great at following directions, but you're really good at being a leader and you're good at problem solving. And when your boss gives you a job to do, they're not looking for you just to follow directions. They want you to take ownership and make decisions and be responsible. So while school will be harder for you, oh, you're going to crush it in the real world. And you can add all kinds of things like all of your energy. Being good in dynamic environments, questioning things, taking risks. See, that's an honest conversation about the how the world really works for this particular child. You're just being honest and helps set expectations. And I want you to have a lot of these discussions with your strong willed, neurodivergent kids. Kids because it's honest and it helps them get a vision for their future to know, oh, I've got what it takes now, number 10. Because I want to build confidence and a reason to do school. So I've got to do this in kind of a short way. But I want you to focus on cultivating your child's natural gifts, talents and passions. And we call this mission and mentor. I want your kids who have shut down to just do one constructive activity for someone else. And what I want is for them to use their natural gifts, talents and passions for another adult. Because other adults can hold your kids accountable in ways you can't. And they can also encourage your kids in ways that they can't. And this was really interesting. As we were thinking about and I was making notes on this podcast, we went back and looked at pictures of Casey when he was in elementary school. And it was kind of sad and eye opening because he looks so tentative in those pictures and a little bit sad. And that is not the kid who he became. That is not the young man who he became and who he is now. And we started to think, when did that really change? And it was about age 12 or 13. He wasn't really into school. He wasn't really great at sports. And for many of our kids, the way they build confidence is, oh, I get really good grades and, and I succeed in sports. Well, a lot of us have kids who just aren't good at either of those two things. So we were starting to develop his passions. And I said, what do you really want to do? And he said, dad, I'd really like to fly an airplane. And I was like, well, that's stupid choice because I have a fear of flying and that's expensive. But I thought about it and I said, case, here's the deal. I will pay for half of your flight lesson if you pay for the other half. He's like, well, where am I going to get that kind of money? I was like, well, you get a job. Well, he was only 12 or 13. So here's what he did. He quit playing competitive ice hockey. He wasn't very good at it. He was in the bottom few on his team. He started officiating hockey games. Now watch. This is really important. He was confident at it. You know why? Because he was really good at making quick decisions. And when you're an ice hockey or any referee, you have to be decisive. Our kids are when you put them on the ice in a fast paced environment that's moving and there are people yelling at him, there were coaches, there were other referee, other parents screaming at him. See, all of that stimulation actually helped them focus more. He's oppositional. So he didn't care that he was getting yelled at. In fact, one time. I have to tell you a quick story. This coach is reaming him refuse, stank, you can't see. And my son turned around and looked at him and said, coach, do you need a Kleenex? Meaning quit crying. And I know that was slightly disrespectful, but I was super proud of him because that coach deserved that. And so now you know where Casey got his attitude from. But the fact is, he was fantastic as an ice hockey referee. Why? Because it capitalized on his unique talents, gifts, and passions. And what else did he learn? He had to be accountable to his boss. He had to show up on time. I taught him, hey, volunteer to do the games nobody else wants to do, and that guy will give you more games. And so he started. So he was. He was in an environment in which he was like, I'm really good at this. He started flying airplanes. You know what's cool? When you're 12 or 13 and you actually take off and land an airplane next to a mentor who's teaching you how to be calm and make good decisions or else you die when. Well, that builds confidence. And then he started taking the money he was earning as a referee and investing it. And that money actually became the down payment for his home 15 years later because he had these guys who told him, invest in Apple stock, and he started doing it. So guess what happened? He started growing confident. Why? Because we weren't just focused on all the things he wasn't good at doing. We gave him opportunities to shine. And I encourage you, if your child was wants to be an architect, find an architect somewhere and say, hey, could my daughter come to your office two days a week after school and just take out the trash and do menial work for you? And in the course of that, will you teach her what it takes to be an architect or a veterinarian? Hey, could you. Would you mind if my daughter came down and helped you out a couple days a week? You don't even have to pay her. She loves being around animals. You know what happens? That veterinarian eventually looks at your daughter and says, hey, you know what? You've got a gift with animals. Because you come in here and I see you working hard and you clean out the cages and you love those animals and they respond to you. You could be a veterinarian one day. And your daughter will come home and say, mom, dad, I'm going to be a veterinarian one day. And you're like, I'm not even sure you're going to make it out of middle school. Because she's never cared about school. But now she has A reason to care because a mentor, because someone else recognized a gift inside of her. She will never like doing homework. She will complain about it, but she will play the game so she can get that high school diploma so she can go to college to become a vet. Because it's what she cares about. Write this down. Find out what your child cares about. You and I care about good behavior and good grades and following the directions. Our kids don't care about those things. I have a lot of other examples in the programs that you can listen to. But the truth is our kids are great for other people and you have to find what they care about, not what you care about. And that involves controlling your own anxiety, releasing them. That will build confidence. That will build in a reason for them to do their schoolwork that can be extremely helpful. So this ran a little bit long. I hope that helps. I would encourage you reach out to Casey. He's been through this process. It's Casey C A s e y celebratecolm.com if you need help with our programs, he can help you financially. He will tell you which programs to listen to in order. I would start with in this case 30 days to calm so you can control your own anxiety. Enjoying stopping power struggles. Stop power struggles with a strong willed child. The no BS program and we have one motivating unmotivated kids. So if we can help you in any way, let us know. Your kids are going to crush it in the real world. Do that on life skills report card and start following this action plan and I think you'll see really good results. All right, love you moms and dads. Talk to you soon. Bye bye.