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Calm Parenting Podcast
12 Social Skills Ideas For Kids Who Miss Social Cues, Become Possessive or Boss Friends, Etc. #501
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So here's how two parents chose to inspire their child's curiosity this summer. The parents signed up to learn calculus and spanish@ixl.com Kirk to support their kids taking a class over the summer. I love this. You are learning right alongside your child. They can see you wrestling with ideas, being curious and at times asking them for help. It's awesome modeling for your kids and makes it feel like learning is a family adventure, not just something you make them do. IXL is an award winning learning platform with an easy to navigate layout that uses interactive practice and step by step video tutorials that make it perfect for relaxed summer learning. So what class are you going to take this summer? Make an impact on your child's learning? Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership which when you sign up today at IXL.com Kirk visit IXL.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price One of our big goals this year was sleeping better. We're going to bed earlier. Love our bamboo sheets and upgraded to our new Leesa mattress for cooling comfort. Mrs. Calm was having some back pain and now that's gone. We sleep deeper and wake up feeling refreshed from the very first night. You'll feel the difference. Leesa mattresses are meticulously designed and assembled in the US for exceptional quality. Plus they back it all up with free shipping, easy returns and a 100 night sleep trial. The great thing about Leesa is that you can choose from super comfortable mattresses tailored to how you sleep without the luxury price tag. Go to Leesa.com for 30% off mattresses through July 7th. Plus get an extra $50 off with promo Code Calm exclusively for my listeners. That's L EE E S a.com promo code CALM for 30% off mattresses plus an extra $50 off. Let them know after checkout that the Calm Parenting podcast sent you. Lisa.com promo code calm audible ignites your.
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You have kids who struggle to connect with kids their own age? Miss social cues or act silly to get attention? Who dominate conversations? Get bossy during play dates or with siblings? Become possessive with a friend? Do you have a child who gets anxious about going to school or summer camp and would rather isolate? You're not alone. This is very common with our kids. And and I want to give you some practical tools to help. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and we're doing a special Christmas in July sale@celebratecalm.com we're running this for 10 days, so take advantage of this so you can be ready for this coming school year. It has all of our programs for one low price, like 35 hours worth of content to understand your kids inside now. Okay, so let's understand. Why do our kids struggle with social skills? Many of your kids have something called asynchronous development. Asynchronous, out of sync. So intellectually, they're kind of up here a little bit advanced. And that's why they have amazing talks with adults. And they're very good in the adult world. But emotionally, socially, sometimes they're a year or two behind. So you'll notice they're often really good with younger kids. Younger kids are kind of drawn to them and they naturally connect. Some of your kids are really good with animals, but who do they struggle to connect with? Kids their own age. Who do we send our kids to school with for basically the first 20 years of their life, only kids their own age. And that's very arbitrary. It is very unnatural. It doesn't happen after you graduate from school. None of you work for a company or at a company where it's only 37 year olds. This makes it really tough for our kids. The good news is we're not raising our kids to be kids. You're raising them to be successful in the adult world, which is where they will spend most of their lives. Still, it's hard to watch your child struggle with peers and feel left out. Number two, your kids are going to miss social cues. One reason is because our kids are such deep thoughts, thinkers, they're often kind of wandering around daydreaming and thinking about advanced concepts. But that causes them to be one step off from kids in their Class. A lot of our kids will miss social cues because they struggle with anxiety. Well, if I have anxiety, I'm going to be very internally focused because I'm just trying to hold everything together and I'm so worried about doing everything just right that I can't relax and look outside of myself. I felt that as a grown up, in different situations, like when I say kind of dumb things to people and it's like, oh, I didn't really hear. I was just trying to get through that situation. And so your kids can become a little bit awkward and that's pretty normal. Number three, some of your kids are fiercely independent. They, they don't want to do group projects or collaborate. Teachers will send home notes about that. Disregard their concern. Your kids are usually independent, entrepreneurial types who want to pursue their own passions and ideas with a single minded focus. And we need people like that. So please don't worry. Look, I don't like collaborating with others. Mrs. Kulm loves it. In grad school she'd meet with other students, solicit and share ideas or work together on projects. In college, I basically told other kids I would do the group project by myself because I was actually a very good writer and I would guarantee them a good grade if I didn't have to suffer through endless meetings with them. Plus, I didn't want my grade pinned to someone else's incompetence. Number four, most of your kids don't excel in traditional team sports, no matter how much dad or mom pushes or. Well, that's a common way to connect with other kids. But our kids tend to prefer more independent activities like rock climbing, ballet, martial arts, gymnastics. And those things also meet sensory needs, which is interesting. How many of you have kids who would be much happier down the street Talking to a 65 year old guy about electromagnetic currents rather than kicking a ball around with a kid his own age? Number five, we've talked about, we've talked about this before, how our kids often feel like things are out of their control. So they will control people in situations. Sometimes they will dominate a play date and boss their friend around. And you'll notice they dominate conversations. It's not that they're intentionally being jerks. Some kids have auditory processing issues and or anxiety by the way. It's why they. I struggle with that. I don't like ordering through a drive through because I don't always hear it the right way. And so anxiety is caused by unknowns. Conversations can be scary because if someone asks me a question that requires a response in the moment. And that's harder if you have auditory processing issues or. Or if you're a slow processor, which is what many of your kids are. That's why you'll hear awkward responses from your kids. Sometimes they get embarrassed by that. But look, if I dominate the conversation and just talk about what I'm interested in, now I've eliminated that unknown. That's what's happening. Some kids act silly in class or they'll do something mischievous. Why? It's an immature. And honestly, it's a sad attempt to get other kids to like them or laugh. And they don't always realize the kids are laughing at them, but at least they're kind of included in it. Number seven. Our kids can get very possessive of their friends. They're not aware of what they're doing. So you can perhaps help them out with this. But here's kind of what's going on inside. It took a lot of emotional energy for me to find one friend in my class. This kid, he doesn't make fun of me, and he's a little bit different like I am. So I'm going to cling to that kid because I don't have a lot of other options. See, the popular kids have 20 different options. Everybody wants to be their friend. But some of your kids have, like, two options in class. So when they find that person, oh, they're gonna lock onto him or her. Number eight. I know it hurts to see your kids struggle to not get invited to birthday parties, sit alone in the cafeteria at lunch. It hurts. Hurts Sometimes, though, your kids don't want a lot of friends. But if they do decide they do want friends, I want them to have the tools to do so. So let's go through some different ideas. By the way, I'm going to throw this in there in case I don't say it later. A lot of you have kids that just don't want to do the normal things. Like they. They don't care about graduating and walking across the stage. They don't want to do senior week things. They don't want to do the prom. And you're gonna be like, but you're missing out on a key part of childhood. And you have to watch that because that's a key part of your childhood and what you cared about. But a lot of our kids, they simply don't care. And they're not really sad sitting home on prom night or not walking across the stage. They're only sad if we keep saying, like, are you sure you don't want to go, you're missing out on things. And instead I'd rather say, you know what, I like and respect your independence. You know what you care about, what you value, and you have the courage to do that rather than just do what you think you should do or you're obligated to do. So just keep that in the back of your mind. So some different ideas. Number one, as always, I'm going to begin with our part. Do not impose your social preferences on your kids. That's kind of what I was just saying. Do not project your feelings on onto your kids. I know it's hard to watch when your kids are left out and they don't have a lot of friends. Perhaps that part of life comes naturally to you and you derive a lot of satisfaction from time with your friends. So then you project and think, well, my child must be unhappy because he or she doesn't have a lot of friends. That's absolutely not true. Much of the time. A lot of our kids prefer to have fewer friends but deeper friendships. And that's actually very healthy. But if you're always saying, oh, honey, why don't you call your friend? Why don't you go to this event or try out for that team? That pressure will reinforce there is something wrong with them because you keep pointing out that they don't have many friends. Instead, you could affirm this choice. You don't have to be. You don't have to have a lot of friends in life. Sometimes better to have fewer friends but deeper friendships, because now you've got really loyal friends that you know really well that care about you and that you care about them. I think that's really smart. That'd be an awesome thing to do for your kids. Number two, normalize this for your kids. Let's just talk about middle school kids. They are in this awkward hibernation phase, caught between being a little kid and a big kid with all these hormones raging. The social scene with Instagram. Everything else is hard. So normalize it. Of course you would want to be your by yourself a little more. Now. This is one of the hardest stages of your life, so take your time as you figure out this new social landscape. You're going to be just fine. Now, here's a sample conversation you can have with your kids. Of course you don't want to hang out with kids your own age. They talk about stuff you're not interested in. That's kind of boring. And they're always one upping each other and they're immature and that makes sense that you wouldn't want to hang out with them. But you know what I do know about you? You're an old soul. And so it makes sense to me that you'd rather be around older people. Why? Because you're really curious and you love to learn and those are such fantastic qualities. And with older people, you can have great talks and learn from their wisdom and experience. Plus, older people are settled. They're not trying to impress anyone. That's actually really mature of you to make that choice. Can you imagine how reassuring this would feel for a kid who's always felt left out, that he's never really fit in and it's felt like, oh, I should be like someone else. And now to know it's smart and mature of him to do that and he or she is going to be okay. He here's another one. Of course you prefer hanging out with younger kids. They look up to you and respect you and that's a great gift because there are a lot of good, satisfying jobs that draw on that passion. Being a teacher, an occupational therapist, owning a martial arts studio. You can help kids in lots of ways. Same with animals. You walk into that veterinarian's office and those animals actually calm down in your presence. You have a gift. You could be a veterinarian. We could actually begin volunteering to help rescued animals. See, you can begin affirming the good traits that they have to counter that stigma that they tend to carry with them. Eating disorders can drastically change a child's behavior and mood and it can be scary as a parent, watching your child become more angry or withdrawal while struggling with weight loss, dieting, extreme picky eating. These changes are not your kid's fault. It's the eating disorder. The good news is that eating disorder recovery is possible and the sooner you get help, the better outcome your child will have. That's why I'm excited to introduce you to equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that provides you with evidence based care so your child can heal at home. Each Equip family has access to a dedicated team of eating disorder experts that include a therapist, dietitian, medical provider and and mentors with lived experience. Equip providers have deep experience treating young people with all kinds of eating disorders, including lesser known diagnoses like arfid. Equip has no wait list and is covered by most major insurance plans. If you're concerned about your child's relationship with food, don't wait to get an expert's advice. Visit Equip Health Calm for a free consultation with eqip. That's Equip Health Calm. So this is really cool. I go to hungryroot.com calm and I click our food preferences. Carb Conscious, less sugar, high protein, anti inflammatory and immediately I get 10 plus options. So I choose the Tzatziki Chicken bowl with quinoa. With 47 grams of protein. It takes five minutes to prepare. It's delicious. No wasted ingredients, no stress battling traffic and grocery store lines. That means more time to enjoy your family and life. Hungry Root is like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist wrapped into one. They recommend healthy groceries and meals tailored to your family's nutrition preferences and tastes. Hungryroot has healthy groceries like smoothies, kids snacks, ready to eat meals, and salad kits. We love Hungryroot. So go to hungryroot.com calm and and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box. Hungryroot.com calm code calm number three if you are at all like your kids, it would be really reassuring for them to hear you say, hey, I have to go to these corporate get togethers after work and have small talk. I hate those things. I struggle walking into big groups. So here's what I do. I go to one of these events and I pick off one person. You know why? Because I'm really comfortable and good talking one on one with people. But in a group, I feel awkward. It feels kind of overwhelming. I mix up conversations and voices. I kind of get lost and feel left out. But when I pick off one person that I have a common interest with, oh man, I really enjoy that conversation. So now you've just normalized that. Not everybody is supposed to be good at walking into a group and having good conversations. I taught my son this strategy as well. I would go. This is what I would do. I would go to an after work event that I didn't want to go to. I would make sure I would show my face so my boss would see me there. I'd ask a couple questions in the group. Then I'd slowly remove myself, go to the bathroom and sneak out. I showed up. I made my presence known. But then I left. I'm normalizing this and giving some tools how to handle that. Number four Parents often ask, well, should I enroll my child in a social skills group? Look, I don't have a firm opinion. There are some good ones and Some that just aren't so good. I'd ask around with friends. My hesitation is that once again, your child will feel like he or she is being fixed, that there's something wrong with him or her. And the truth is your child may not ever be really great at it. And that's okay. Just be careful with this. And this is coming from someone who has voted shyest boy in my high school class. And I just be, just be very cautious with those things because like, well, we need to fix that trait sometimes there's nothing to fix. It's who they are and we need to give them some tools so they can just navigate that. Okay? Number five, when your kids are younger, host short play dates in your home. Keep it short, get a success, and I'll show you how. In number six, show your kids exactly how to forge good friendships. Instead of saying, hey, you guys, run along and play in your room, which really means, hey, go dominate and boss your potential friend around. Do this instead. Hey guys, you know, I could really use your help for a few minutes. I was going to bake some cookies for the seniors at the retirement center. Could you come help me out? And I used to do this with Casey and his friend Aaron. They'd help me with a special project in the garage. Well, now you can model how to have healthy two way conversations. And the formula we taught all the kids who came to our camps was one, you always ask questions of other people. It gets the focus off of you having to answer questions and people like talking about themselves. It makes them feel important. And then you ask questions to find common interests that you may have because that's how friendships are formed, right? You and I do that. Our kids are on the same team or in the same class where you meet at an exercise class or group event and you become friends because you have a common interest. So while you're baking cookies or doing whatever project, you can begin asking questions of your child's friend, modeling how to do that for your child so he gets to hear it in action. You can compliment your child's friend also so they learn how to do that. You ask questions, you find a common interest. Number seven, over the summer, see if you can find a friend who will attend the same school as your child will, then you can hopefully arrange for them to walk to school or be driven to school together. So if that means a couple days a week, you have to go out of your way and pick up their friend at their house and take them to school together, where the friend does that for you. It's really helpful to walk into school next to someone else. I know in the school setting, if your child is alone all the time, one is a target. At least if your child's at the locker or walking through the hallway, sitting in the cafeteria with one other kid, it helps. Number eight, people watch. We did this with kids all the time in our campsite. Observe people, get a snack, go to a park, go to a playground. I used to do this with Casey on business trips, like in a hotel lobby. We would just observe and judge. I mean, we would just observe people. You know what I'm saying? And your kids tend to be pretty good at pattern recognition, so we would talk about it. Hey, what do you think is happening with those two people? Why do you think they're arguing? Do you notice anything different? Well, that guy's kind of a close talker. He's up in the other guy's space. Well, how do you think it makes the other person feel? Do you think you ever do that? Because some of your kids are close talkers? Observing and watching other people interact can be really powerful because your kids, again, they get to see it in action. 9. One of my favorite tools for your kids is scripting out conversations for them. And I told you, I was shyest boy in my high school class, and I like this girl, but I wasn't smart, smooth with the ladies, obviously, but I knew I'd see her for like 90 seconds in between fourth and fifth period outside. So you know what I was doing the night before because I was shy, I was anxious. I would script something to say to hopefully not embarrass myself. So you could actually get a whiteboard out and script conversations for your child, such as this, hey, on Monday, oh, you just ask another kid what they did over the weekend. Tell them something interesting you did that they may be interested in. On Tuesday, ask what their favorite video game is on Wednesday, their favorite movie on Thursday, favorite sports team or animal or pet. And Friday's easy because you can say, what are your weekend plans? See that scripting for your kids, diagramming out social interactions, it gives them some measure of a framework that provides some stability there. And as odd as it sounds, your kids like routine and having a structure in place for how to have conversations. Number 10, role playing is really, really helpful. You could actually role play a couple typical conversations your child or even your middle school or teen might have. And you can let them know, hey, I do this in the business world. Like, I script out and plan. If I'm meeting a new client. What's my opening? What am I going to talk about? Or in my presentation, normalize this stuff. We do all these things in the real world. It's that we forget to teach our kids to do it. Number 11 teach your kids to observe and comment on the obvious. So I was at the gym today and a guy had a cast on his leg. That's an easy one. Out here where we live, it's usually a skiing or a mountain biking accident, so that's easy. Hey, how long's your PT going to take? You know what happened? So now I get to have a conversation. That's why old guys, we talk about the weather, about sports. Part of the reason that especially last year I wore the Yankees hat on hikes. Besides the fact that gets a lot of derision on our Instagram videos, it's a conversation starter on hikes. And everybody has an opinion on the Yankees. Either hate them or love them. So teach your kids to observe classmates. What logo or sports team or movie character or entertainers are on their backpack, their sweatshirt. That's an easy conversation starter. Number 12 the most important social skills tool is confidence. A confident kid who feels good about himself or herself will will relate more easily and naturally with others. They won't have to control others. They'll be more gracious and flexible. So keep building your child's confidence. Listen to the June 18 episode for more details. I did a whole six different ways to build confidence over the summer. I want your kids using their natural gifts and passions, being mentored by encouraging adults feeling positive about who they are. I also want them to understand how their brains work so that you can work with their nature. If you have our programs, go through them and listen first to the ADHD University one because I did a ton of very, very practical, but it's long. I can't fit in a podcast on building social skills and helping your kids with executive function. All the things in school. And thanks to Heather from San Antonio, Texas. She was bold. She asked us to run a special sale because she missed the Mother's Day sale and we didn't run the Christmas and July sale last summer. So we're thrilled to build it back. Bring it back for 10 days. Celebrate calm.com thank you for listening to the podcast. I know I can't get to everything, but I try to give you enough very practical things that you can work on some of these things this week or over the summer so when your child goes back to school in the fall, they feel more comfortable. In fact, I would go if I could take them to the school. We talked about this with anxiety. Walk the halls a little bit, let them plan out. When I go to my locker, this is what I'm going to do. That scripting thing, man, it is really helpful. So thanks for sharing the podcast. Thanks for making the time to listen. I will see you on Instagram and Facebook and TikTok. I'm more active on Instagram, but I so appreciate all the feedback we get and appreciate you taking the time. All right, Love you all. You're awesome parents. Bye.