3 Specific Ways to Help Kids In School

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode 3 – Specific Ways to Help Kids In School

Release Date: January 16, 2024
Host: Kirk Martin, Founder of Celebrate Calm

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Introduction

In Episode 3 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into the challenges parents and teachers face when managing strong-willed children in educational settings. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 children exhibiting behaviors associated with ADHD, OCD, ODD, ASD, and other learning differences, Kirk provides practical strategies to foster positive relationships and effective learning environments.

Understanding the Challenges in the Classroom

Kirk begins by empathizing with both parents and teachers struggling with strong-willed children. He highlights the compounded difficulty teachers face when managing multiple children with diverse behavioral challenges throughout the school day.

"Imagine you're a teacher and you've got three or five strong-willed kids in your classroom and maybe throw on top of that kids with some learning differences, some learning disabilities, kids on the spectrum. That's hard, right?" [01:20]

Kirk acknowledges that many teachers genuinely care but often lack the necessary tools to support these children effectively. This gap can lead to negative interactions, power struggles, and ultimately, a strained relationship between the child and the teacher.

The Impact of Negative Interactions

Using a relatable classroom scenario, Kirk illustrates how typical disciplinary approaches can backfire with strong-willed children. He recounts a situation where a teacher reprimands a child, "Jeremy," for not following directions during math class.

"Jeremy, if you can't follow directions in my class, you are going to end up losing recess." [02:48]

Such interactions can foster a defensive attitude in children, making them feel misunderstood and disliked. Kirk observes that this often leads to children shutting down emotionally and increasing their defiant behaviors as a reaction.

"Jeremy will put away his book. But inside his heart, here's what's just developed this defensive posture that says, this teacher doesn't understand me. This teacher, this person, this human does not like me. [...] So what are you going to do to me? I don't really care about your consequences." [04:15]

Transitioning to Positive Reinforcement

Kirk proposes an alternative approach centered around positive reinforcement and connection. Instead of reprimanding Jeremy, the teacher could acknowledge his strengths and redirect his behavior in a supportive manner.

"Jeremy, you know what I love about you? You love to read. [...] Reading opens up new worlds to you. I love that you want to read. Look, it's math class right now, so I need you to put away your book." [06:30]

By validating Jeremy's interests and strengths, the teacher fosters a positive self-image and opens the door for more cooperative behavior.

Practical Strategies for Parents and Teachers

Kirk outlines three specific strategies to implement both at home and in the classroom:

1. Affirmation and Positive Acknowledgment

   Encouraging teachers to recognize and praise positive behaviors can significantly enhance a child's self-esteem and willingness to engage.

   "Could you affirm him every time he makes a good choice? Because this will counterbalance the negatives, catch him doing things. Well, hey, that was a really good choice, Beck. I'm proud of you." [09:45]

2. Providing Meaningful Responsibilities

   Assigning specific roles or tasks that align with a child's strengths can build confidence and reduce anxiety.

   "Here's one: Could you give Beckham a job to do every morning? It's something he's good at doing that makes him feel helpful and needed because that will build his confidence and it also helps with anxiety." [13:31]

3. Challenging Engagement

   Introducing challenges that match a child's capabilities can keep them engaged and prevent boredom-induced disruptive behavior.

   "Hey, Beckham. The other kids are adding two-digit numbers. Think you can add three-digit numbers?" [14:10]

Effective Communication with Teachers

Kirk emphasizes the importance of constructive communication between parents and teachers. He provides a sample email template that parents can use to propose alternative strategies without appearing confrontational.

"Mrs. Henderson, could we try something different for the next two weeks and see if we can make progress?" [08:50]

This approach encourages collaboration and focuses on achievable progress rather than immediate perfection.

Training Teachers for Long-Term Success

Recognizing that teachers need comprehensive tools and training, Kirk introduces his online training program. Priced at $750, this program aims to equip educators with effective strategies to support strong-willed and differently-abled children without the high costs associated with traditional professional development.

"Look, I'm just being honest with this stuff. [...] But a thousand dollars maybe that's a lot of money to ask a parent or even nowadays, sometimes a school with stretch budget to do it. So I thought, you know what? $750 to train 15, 20, 30, 50, 100. I don't care how many teachers it is. That number of teachers, right, that's, that's a really good price." [19:25]

Kirk highlights the flexibility and value of his online trainings, making them accessible to a broader range of schools and educators.

Conclusion and Call to Action

Kirk wraps up the episode by reiterating the importance of building positive relationships and providing actionable strategies to support strong-willed children in school. He invites listeners to reach out for personalized assistance and to consider his training programs for educators seeking effective solutions.

"We want to help your family. Love you. I'll talk to you soon." [23:00]

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Notable Quotes

• On Teacher Challenges:
  "Imagine you're a teacher and you've got three or five strong-willed kids in your classroom and maybe throw on top of that kids with some learning differences, some learning disabilities, kids on the spectrum. That's hard, right?" — Kirk Martin [01:20]

• On Negative Interactions:
  "Jeremy will put away his book. But inside his heart, here's what's just developed this defensive posture that says, this teacher doesn't understand me. This teacher, this person, this human does not like me." — Kirk Martin [04:15]

• On Positive Reinforcement:
  "Jeremy, you know what I love about you? You love to read. Reading opens up new worlds to you. I love that you want to read." — Kirk Martin [06:30]

• On Effective Communication:
  "Mrs. Henderson, could we try something different for the next two weeks and see if we can make progress?" — Kirk Martin [08:50]

• On Teacher Training Value:
  "Look, I'm just being honest with this stuff. $750 to train 15, 20, 30, 50, 100. I don't care how many teachers it is. That's a really good price." — Kirk Martin [19:25]

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Additional Resources

• Website: www.CelebrateCalm.com
• Email: [e-mail]
• Training Booking: Visit the website and select the "Book Live Training" tab to arrange online sessions for educators.

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This episode serves as an insightful guide for parents and educators aiming to create a more harmonious and effective learning environment for strong-willed children. By shifting from punitive measures to positive reinforcement and strategic communication, Kirk Martin provides actionable steps to transform challenging interactions into opportunities for growth and connection.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

Parenting a strong willed child is really difficult. And you know that. That's why you're listening to this podcast. You know what's even harder? Teaching a strong willed child, right? Imagine you're a teacher and you've got three or five strong willed kids in your classroom and maybe throw on top of that kids with some learning differences, some learning disabilities, kids on the spectrum. That's hard, right? It's hard enough at home getting your child to follow like one or two simple directions, but imagine having to teach them all day long like six hours in how to do that. So I have a lot of compassion for teachers. I know some of us have had some really bad experiences with teachers who crushed our child's spirit. We had that with Casey. We actually had to pull them out of a school because it had gotten so bad. It's not that Casey was innocent in all of it, but he was a kid. They were supposed to be grown professionals, but they just didn't have tools. But for the most part, I've trained a few hundred thousand teachers in person across the for the past couple decades. And what I usually find is these are people who love kids and they really want to help. They just don't have the tools. These are. You know, I have so many teachers come up and say I just didn't know this stuff. I didn't realize this is the way their brains worked or their heart worked. And these are teachers who go home at night and they agonize over this because they really want to help. They just don't know how. And that's no different than us as parents, right? How many of us as parents have.

[Co-host]

Done things the wrong way for our kids?

[Kirk Martin]

And we thought, well, this is the way I was raised, this is the right way. And then you find out, oh my gosh, I just messing that up big time. But our hearts were in the right place. We just didn't have the tools. So I want to try to give you some tools. So for those who don't know, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at Celebrate Calm. If you need anything, reach out to our son Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com, definitely a strong willed kid who struggled in school and he'll help you out. Just tell us what you're struggling with, we'll email back personally and we can help you with this stuff. So I'm going to make this short and give you some very practical tools. But I was thinking about, say, think about this dilemma for a teacher. So I'm teaching now we're teaching, we're doing math. But I look over at this kid and his name is, we'll call him Jeremy. And he's sitting in my class reading a book. But we're in math class, right? And so he's not following directions. And so what do we do in that situation? And the normal response from a teacher is going to be, jeremy, Jeremy, put away the book. Put away their book. It's not reading time anymore. It's math class. And then Jeremy hesitates like, you know this because your kids do this at home too. And now the tone of voice gets a little sharper. Jeremy, Jeremy, if you can't follow directions in my class, you are going to end up losing, fill in the blank, recess, class field trip, whatever it is. And now it becomes this face off. And now we're, we're kind of declaring power struggle. And my tone gets negative. I don't know how many times I have to tell you. They do the same thing we do as parents. And what happens to the child? Jeremy will put away his book. But inside his heart, here's what's just developed this defensive posture that says, this teacher doesn't understand me. This teacher, this person, this human does not like me. They don't like me. And how many of your kids have come home from school the first day of school? Teacher doesn't like me. Some of them are super sensitive, but some of them actually pick up on the real vibe, which is the teacher doesn't like them and it becomes negative. And what happens in their heart, they begin to shut down. And then that's when the real defiance does start. Because inside the child's heart comes this little feeling of, you know what? Screw you. Screw you. You don't like me, so you already think I'm a bad kid. So guess what? I'm just going to double down. I'll just become the bad kid. What are you going to do to me? I don't really care about your consequences. Same thing happens at school that happens at home. And so what I try to give teachers is in alternatives, some different scripts to use. Because when the teacher said this, jeremy, you need to put away your book. If you can't put away your book, you're not following directions. You're going to lose recession. She didn't do anything wrong, but it just doesn't work. But imagine that this teacher looked down at Jeremy and said, jeremy, you know what I love about you? And she says this in front of the whole class. Because, look, we're used to correcting kids in front of their siblings in front of the whole class. So we may as well make this public and do it in a good way, in a positive way. Jeremy, you know what I love about you? You love to read. You know what I know about people who read? They're curious people. They love to learn, and they are the brightest people in the world. Reading opens up new worlds to you. I love that you want to read. Look, it's math class right now, so I need you to put away your book. But. And notice how you say that. See, there was no negativity in there, just a statement of fact. It's math class. You need to put away your book. But. And here are a couple options. Hey, after class, I want to know what you're reading, because I can tell you're really into it. Guess what? I love to read, too. And sometimes at night, when I'm supposed to be eating or going to sleep or doing something else, I just get absorbed into my book. So I want to know what you're reading. See, now I've just bonded with the child over something that's really positive reading. Instead of just creating a power struggle over it. The other option is say, hey, you know what, Jeremy? Look, after we come in from recess or after lunch, get. If you want, I will give you two minutes in front of class to Share what you're reading about, because I would love for all the other kids in class to be as curious as you are. Think what that does to this child's psyche and the relationship between the teacher and the child. Because now I've just acknowledged what you're doing is a really good thing, and I want to encourage it. Just not the right time for it. And I pointed out the positive traits. You're curious. You love to learn. It's a sign of really bright people with a good imagination. See, that will get the child to put his book away. But now he feels good about himself. And I guarantee you in math class, he's going to be more ready, more willing to learn. And when that teacher asks him or her, whatever your child is to do things, your kids are going to be more likely to do that. It's no different than at home when I connect with a child, because. Right. It is relationships and connection that change behavior, not consequences. So here's an idea for you because I get this a lot of like, how can we, you know, how can we get through to the teacher to help our son or daughter in the right way? And so here's a sample email I may send to my child's teacher, and it sounds like this. Hey. Dear Mrs. Henderson, I appreciate how challenging it can be to teach kids like Beckham. You and I share the same goal, to ensure that Beckham is a curious student who loves to learn. By the way, that is my goal. I don't really care about getting all A's and all B's. I don't want to put on this pressure of, like, you have to do your best at everything because nobody does their best at everything, including you. We do our best at the right things, but not everything. But my goal is to raise a curious kid who loves to learn. We've discovered that Beckham doesn't respond well to consequences or time outs. He tends to shut down when he's overwhelmed or when things get negative, and he struggles when it feels like no one likes him. So our typical discipline tools are not working at home either. See, there's a good acknowledgement there of like, look, we're struggling, you're struggling. But here are some things we've learned. So, Mrs. Henderson, could we try something different for the next two weeks and see if we can make progress? I like that phrasing it that way a lot. Can we try something different? It's not. You're doing it wrong. And unless you change, I'm not demanding. I'm asking, can we Try something different for the next two weeks. That's a defined period of time. That seems reasonable to me of, hey, we've been doing it at home and at school this way since the beginning of school year. We now have four months of evidence to recognize that what we're doing isn't working. So could we try some different things for the next two weeks and see if we can make progress? And I like that phrasing as well, because we're not saying, see if we can get Beckham to stop misbehaving perfectly every day. So he's on green, not asking. I just want progress. So could we give Beckham tools to succeed, affirm him for positive choices and build his confidence? Here are some examples of tools that I think will help and see. Now I'm going to give some teachers, instead of saying, you know what, could you just do it differently? It's not working. It's ruining his confidence. He doesn't like school. Just do it differently. I'm not leaving the teacher alone here. I'm saying here are some very specific, concrete tools. Not being demeaning here either. It's what I encourage you to do. Moms to do with husbands. Just saying we need to change our entire parenting paradigm. I'm out. It's too big for me as a guy. But if you give me something specific to try for the next two weeks and I can try that and then I can measure that and see if it works. Oh, I like that. So here are three examples you could give your child's teacher.

[Co-host]

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[Kirk Martin]

Here's one could you give Beckham a job to do every morning? It's some doing something he's good at doing that makes him feel helpful and needed because that will build his confidence and it also helps with anxiety and even saying to him, beckham, I could really use your help moving those heavy books from the back of the room to my desk. See, that's a very specific thing that would actually work really well with our kids because waking them up in the morning, if they know they have a specific job to do, the specificity counters anxiety. Giving them something they're good at doing is a change because many of your kids just aren't good at doing school, not good at sitting all day listening to someone talk, recalling information for a timed test. It's not one of their strengths. So the first thing I do as a teacher actually in my classroom would be that child who is most challenging. I'm going to find what he's naturally or what she is naturally good at doing. And then I'm going to give them a job in that area. Why? Because now I'm just creating a success, right? That's perfect. Greatest success build confidence. And now I get to say, hey, nice job Beckham. That was really helpful. So number two example, hey let's try this, Mrs. Henderson, make things a challenge for Beckham. He tends to like that. And sometimes for some of your kids, they get bored, right? And then they just shut down and they get in trouble. Because when your kids get bored, because some of your kids have very quick minds and they'll get stuff very quickly, well, they're not going to sit there with their hands folded in their lap or on their desk waiting for everybody to catch up. They're going to get up and go around and talk to other people. And then guess what happens. Beckham, you need to sit down. Beckham, stop doing that. Beckham, stop, stop, stop. Instead. So, Mrs. Henderson, could you do this? Hey, Beckham. The other kids are adding two digit numbers. Think you can add three digit numbers? And now I just gave him a challenge to do something. And by the way, parents, I would encourage you take in a worksheet that you created that has three digit addition in it or whatever it is. Don't expect the teacher to have to create all this new stuff. You do that for him or her, right? And that's a nice thing of like, hey, I'll bring in some different worksheets. I've noticed at home, Beckham really loves doing X. He loves doing these crossword puzzles and different games. Could I bring in couple worksheets? So when he's done with his regular work, could you challenge him to do that? And even telling the teacher, say this, Beckham, bet you can't do X. Because you know what's implied in that? I actually believe you can do that. And I'm expecting more of you, but I'm expecting more of you in a way that is reasonable than that I think you can actually do so you feel good about yourself. And then the third piece of advice that I would give Mrs. Henderson, the teacher, is for the next two weeks, could you affirm him every time he makes a good choice? Because this will counterbalance the negatives, catch him doing things. Well, hey, that was a really good choice, Beck. I'm proud of you. It's like sowing lots of seeds. Short and sweet. And so now watch. I've just given the teacher three specific ideas. Okay? Now, as a teacher, I've got a lot going on. I got 25 kids in my class and I can't do this for every one of them but this. Mom and dad came to me and said, hey, here are three things. So that next day after I get this note, I'm like, beckham, you know what? I could really use your help. By the way your kids love that phrase. They love helping other adults, just not you as the parents. And so take advantage of that. Beckham, I could really use your help with this. Now. I created a success. I gave him a very specific job doing something he's good at doing that builds confidence. So now when I ask him to do something that's difficult for him, like a writing assignment, well, now he's doing it from a place of confidence and competence. After he does that job, I get to say, man, that was a really good job. Thank you. So I just started today, within the first two minutes of this kid walking into my class, I created connection, I created a success and I praised him for something. And now while he's doing his work, I can say I can give him a challenge, I can make it a little bit more difficult. Again, that's believing in him. And then I can end my note by saying, we're going to begin doing this at home as well. Again, can we try this for two weeks and see if we make some progress? We appreciate all that you do. I love that. I think that's a great format to use because you're not mentioning five things you're also not sending in. We just recently had testing done on our son and we'd like to send you the 38 page report. Teacher doesn't have time to read all of that. And by the way, they don't need the report anyway. What they're really looking for is, okay, what's actionable? What can I do differently? So here are a couple things that I do encourage you to do. Write those notes, make it specific. I've had parents actually email me and say, hey, can you take a look at this and see if this is appropriate? And I will do that for people. I would, if you have it, listen to the ADHD University program because we give you dozens of examples of very practical scripts you can give teachers to use. And if you actually have that program in the Calm parenting package, email us and give us the teacher's email address. We can share that. You can share that directly with your child's teacher so they get to understand the child's brain. It's an awesome, awesome thing and it's a fantastic program for your kids. If you want us to train your child's teachers and the school, we now have a new option. We always put this in up to schools, reaching out to us, but now without traveling so much. And look, the truth is for me to train a school's teachers and I have to travel there costs a Lot of money and professional development training. Usually, if you ask, a school is going to be anywhere between 2,500, 3,500, 5,000, $7,500 to train all the school's teachers. I can do it right online via Zoom. And teachers love our training because it's really practical and we give them scripts to use. And if you're, look, it's hard to convince a school, hey, this guy's really great. You should pay him $3,500 to come to your school. That's a hard sell, right? And we've done it hundreds of times throughout. But, but we just, we just create an option to make it easy, which is you can go on and buy that, purchase that for your school, and you can do that. It's $750. That's, that's. Look, I'm just being honest with this stuff. Casey and I talk about this and we're like, okay, how low can we go where it's still, right? If you go too low, then in some ways, look, it's not a pride thing, but it's like, man, I want people to value it, right? But I don't want to make it so expensive. And at this point in my life, I charge a lot because I'm really good at this and I'm older and so I can. And I value my time and expertise in that way. But we came up, we were like, well, $500, that's not value enough. Especially when this training is worth a few thousand dollars. But a thousand dollars maybe that's a lot of money to ask a parent or even nowadays, sometimes a school with stretch budget to do it. So I thought, you know what? $750 to train 15, 20, 30, 50, 100. I don't care how many teachers it is. That number of teachers, right, that's, that's a really good price. And so I will feel, look, again, I'm just being honest with this. I, I will feel good about it. I'm like, you know what? That's worth it to me. That's compensating me for my time, for my expertise, for the energy I put into this. Because It'll be a 60 minute, 90 minute training. We could do two hours. But I found with teachers, 75 to 90 minutes of me, boom, boom, boom. I get a lot done then, and it's valuable. All the school's teachers will have all of this information and insight and it's still affordable. So if you go onto the [e-mail] and you look up, it'll say book live training. Click on that tab and you can book a parenting event if you want, but I'm focusing that on the teachers. You can actually go there and just book it right now. And then what will happen is we will coordinate with the school to schedule a professional development training via Zoom, and we'll do it around their schedule. And if the principal says, hey, we want to do it on the second Tuesday in April at 3pm Our time, after the teachers get out of school, I'm like, boom, done. We'll make that work. And then their teachers have all of this insight into your kids and these strategies, and it's a really nice gift to give a school. So if your school wants to do it directly and send it to them and they can do it. But anyway, it's an option for you. So listen. Thank you for listening. Thanks for sharing this podcast. I'm going to continue to keep doing some podcasts specifically for teachers and classroom situations, and we have some of those already in our catalog, so feel free to share those. But again, if you need anything, reach out to Casey C A s e y celebratecoln.com we want to help your family. Love you. I'll talk to you soon.

[Co-host]

Bye.