A Great Phrase to De-Escalate Back-to-School Tension

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary

Title: A Great Phrase to De-Escalate Back-to-School Tension
Host: Kirk Martin, Founder of Celebrate Calm
Release Date: August 14, 2023

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Introduction

In the episode titled "A Great Phrase to De-Escalate Back-to-School Tension," Kirk Martin delves into practical strategies for parents navigating the heightened stress and anxiety that accompany the back-to-school season. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers insightful advice aimed at fostering calmer interactions and reducing family conflicts.

Understanding the Back-to-School Stress

[01:20] Kirk Martin:
"All right, so school's about to begin again. There's lots of tension in the air. Your kids have anxiety, you have anxiety, teachers have. And so you're going to get pushback from your kids. They may become a little bit more mouthy and defiant. Siblings are going to fight because everybody's kind of on edge and in the moment it's really hard to remain in control."

Kirk sets the stage by acknowledging the universal stressors that come with the new school year. He highlights the increased anxiety among children, parents, and teachers, leading to heightened defiance and sibling conflicts. Recognizing these common challenges is the first step toward addressing them effectively.

Introducing the De-Escalation Phrase

[02:47] Kirk Martin:
"So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you an easy phrase to remember to help you reset and de-escalate situations."

Kirk introduces a simple yet effective phrase designed to help parents regain control during tense moments. He emphasizes the need for straightforward, actionable tools rather than complex step-by-step processes that can be overwhelming in the heat of the moment.

Adopting a Calm Posture

[01:20] Kirk Martin:
"That's why sitting down is one of my favorite things. It is virtually impossible to yell at people and your kids while you're sitting down. We change the tone of voice. That helps."

By adopting a calm physical posture, such as sitting down, parents can naturally lower their voices and reduce the likelihood of yelling. This change in demeanor sets a positive tone and can defuse potential conflicts before they escalate.

Personal Anecdote: Learning from Experience

[07:46] Kirk Martin:
"When I became a dad, I thought my job was to be chief disciplinarian in the home, right? My job was to kind of roam through the house catching kids doing things wrong, and then my job was to discipline them."

Kirk shares his personal journey, reflecting on his initial approach to parenting as primarily disciplinary. He candidly discusses the challenges he faced with his own strong-willed son, Casey, and how his perspective on discipline evolved from punishment to teaching.

The Power of Observation and Identification

[15:04] Kirk Martin:
"So it often sounded like this. So Casey, here's what's about to happen. I've heard you use that tone, those words with me like 53 times before."

Kirk underscores the importance of observing and identifying specific behaviors before addressing them. By providing context and specificity, parents can communicate more effectively, helping children understand the impact of their actions without feeling attacked.

Emotion Mapping and Providing Alternatives

[12:32] Kirk Martin:
"What I'm doing is identifying the root of it and saying when you are... I'm helping him identify what gets him in trouble and what he needs to work on and what I can help him with."

Kirk introduces the concept of "emotion mapping," where parents identify and articulate the underlying emotions driving a child's behavior. By acknowledging emotions such as anxiety, frustration, or hunger, parents can offer concrete alternatives that empower children to manage their feelings constructively.

Example:

"Look, I'm gonna go grab some chips. If you want to grab the salsa, I'll meet you on the deck and I can help you through whatever's bugging you. Now, here's other options..."

Offering tangible choices like grabbing a snack, coloring, or playing catch provides children with actionable steps to shift their focus and calm down, rather than simply telling them to stop negative behaviors.

Creating a Supportive Environment

[14:32] Kirk Martin:
"I can handle you at your worst. Because when my child does experience difficult things in life and gets out of control, I want my child to come to me and know my mom is solid, my dad is solid, and I can trust them."

By maintaining composure and offering unwavering support, parents create a safe and stable environment. This reliability builds trust, ensuring that children feel secure enough to express their emotions and seek guidance without fear of judgment or punishment.

Applying Techniques to Sibling Conflicts

[16:00] Kirk Martin:
"Look, this is what you usually do right before you get a timeout and lose time doing stuff that you love. But here's another option and I could really use some help with this."

Kirk extends the de-escalation strategies to sibling conflicts, demonstrating how the same principles can be applied across different scenarios. By identifying patterns and offering alternative responses, parents can help children navigate disputes more peacefully and constructively.

Emphasizing the Importance of Parent Control

[08:30] Kirk Martin:
"What I didn't realize was the word discipline actually means to teach. If you want the deeper meaning, it comes from disciple, which is to live out your life and model for your kids the behavior you want them to emulate."

Kirk emphasizes that true discipline is about teaching and modeling desired behaviors rather than merely enforcing rules. By embodying the values and behaviors they wish to see in their children, parents provide a powerful example for their kids to follow.

Encouraging Continuous Learning and Support

[17:29] Kirk Martin:
"So this week, let's practice that of using this phrase of hey, here's what's about to happen. Think of that emotional map you're giving your child a map of relationships, a map of an internal dialogue so they know how to get from one place to another."

Kirk advocates for ongoing practice of these techniques, urging parents to integrate them into their daily interactions. He also encourages listeners to utilize additional resources offered by Celebrate Calm, such as in-depth programs and personalized support packages, to further enhance their parenting skills.

Closing Dedication and Encouragement

[15:04] Kirk Martin:
"I want to give a shout out to them in case they're still listening. My goal today, I was trying to, like, wear the kids out, but you know what happened? They wore me out."

Kirk wraps up the episode by dedicating it to an exemplary family, reinforcing the message that with the right strategies, families can thrive even amidst the chaos and challenges of daily life.

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Key Takeaways

1. Use a Calm Posture: Sitting down when addressing children can naturally lower your voice and reduce the likelihood of escalating conflicts.

2. Introduce Specific Phrases: Phrases like "Here's what's about to happen" help establish predictability and context, making it easier to de-escalate tense situations.

3. Identify and Acknowledge Emotions: Recognizing the root emotions behind a child's behavior allows for more empathetic and effective responses.

4. Provide Concrete Alternatives: Offering actionable choices empowers children to manage their emotions constructively.

5. Model Desired Behaviors: Demonstrating the behaviors you wish to see in your children fosters a positive and respectful household environment.

6. Leverage Support Resources: Utilize programs and personalized support from platforms like Celebrate Calm to enhance your parenting toolkit.

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Notable Quotes

• [02:47] Kirk Martin:
  "I want to give you an easy phrase to remember to help you reset and de-escalate situations."

• [07:46] Kirk Martin:
  "When I became a dad, I thought my job was to be chief disciplinarian in the home. My job was to discipline them."

• [12:32] Kirk Martin:
  "What I'm doing is identifying the root of it and saying when you are... I'm helping him identify what gets him in trouble and what he needs to work on and what I can help him with."

• [14:32] Kirk Martin:
  "I can handle you at your worst. I want my child to come to me and know my mom is solid, my dad is solid, and I can trust them."

• [08:30] Kirk Martin:
  "Discipline actually means to teach. It comes from disciple, which is to live out your life and model for your kids the behavior you want them to emulate."

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Conclusion

Kirk Martin's episode on de-escalating back-to-school tension offers invaluable insights and practical tools for parents striving to maintain calm and control during a typically stressful period. By emphasizing empathy, clear communication, and proactive strategies, Kirk empowers parents to foster a harmonious and supportive family environment. For those seeking further guidance, Celebrate Calm provides comprehensive resources tailored to meet diverse parenting needs.

Transcript

[Host 1]

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

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[Kirk Martin]

All right, so school's about to begin again. There's lots of tension in the air. Your kids have anxiety, you have anxiety, teachers have. And so you're going to get pushback from your kids. They may become a little bit more mouthy and defiant. Siblings are going to fight because everybody's kind of on edge and in the moment it's really hard to remain in control. So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you an easy phrase to remember to help you reset and de escalate situations. Because in these moments I don't. I never have wanted people to say like, okay, what's the ten step process to calm down? It's too hard in the moment. You need simple, practical things you can use and that's why sitting down is one of my favorite things. Is virtually impossible to yell at people and your kids while you're sitting down. We change the tone of voice. That helps. But I want to give you this phrase and I think it's really going to help you. So welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need help with anything. Reach out to our son who did struggle with anxiety, who I wanted to make a joke and say he was kind of mouthy and defiant. Not at back to school time, but pretty Much, all the time. He struggled because he was very strong willed child who had an agenda, who knew what he wanted.

[Co-host]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

He had ideas of how he wanted things done. And so there were always these power struggles and these are the kids where talking about. Right, that's why you're listening. So that is our son. He will identify with you and your struggle because he was your child. And so it's C A s e y celebrate calm.com reach out to Casey. Hey look, tell us about your family, age of the kids, what you're struggling with and we will reply back personally with some recommendations, with some ideas, some strategies, some insights that will help you. If you need help with our resources, Casey will put together a custom package within your budget. We, we do have a big back to school sale on right now. Take advantage of that cause it's really, really helpful. Okay, so here's the deal. Everybody's on edge right now with school returning and this is on top of your child's normal anxiety over new experiences. And just before we dig into this, this is kind of a little bonus thing on anxiety. Try to allow your kids to walk through their new school wherever they're going, days or maybe a couple weeks ahead of classes beginning. Because familiarity with new environments is a huge help. More than you can possibly know. Because it's the unknowns that freak people out, including me at age 55. So ask a teacher, a custodian, an assistant principal, front office staff worker, anyone to give your child a specific job to do when school begins again. So it can sound like this. Oh David, look, I've heard you're really good at X. Could you come help me when you get to school? Cause I could sure use your help. Our kids love helping other people, just not you as the parent. And they also like feeling like a grownup.

[Co-host]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

And what you're doing is you are countering the unknowns of school with a very specific job or mission, something concrete. You're creating a win. You're creating a success. First thing in the morning, first thing in school goes back. And you're also creating a positive connection with an adult at this scary new place. And this will work whether your child is in pre K or a senior in high school. Please don't overlook this. So we were just on the road for a couple weeks. We've been speaking at schools and churches and we speak at synagogues, mosques, I don't care. Wherever there are people we'll go. And we're training teachers and parents this week. And just as it's Hard for you. Teachers are facing the huge challenges too. And the hard part, what we don't realize about most teachers is they haven't really been trained in how to help our kids, right? With focus issues, with meltdowns and anxiety, with fidgety kids, kids being disruptive or blurting out, right? And that's where we come in. And it's a great relief to teachers to know, oh, so now we have some positive tools. Because just like us, when teachers don't know what to do, they reflexively react and give consequences and take things away. And just as you found that at home, consequences tend not to work, they don't work in school either. So we love giving teachers tools. And by the way, if you want us to train your teachers again, just reach out to Casey, email him, and we can do it live, we can do it by zoom. Doesn't matter to me. So actually it does matter. I really like the in person events. We were just on the road and it is so great to be able to connect with people and to answer questions live. And so during a Q and A after a teacher session, a teacher spoke up and she said, look, I've got all your programs and one tool I use all the time, not only at home with my three strong will kids, but in the classroom. This phrase, hey, look, here's what's about to happen. So I wanted to use that teacher's comment and share this idea with you. And so it can sound like this. It's like, hey, look, here's what's about to happen, or, look, I've seen this scene unfold in our home like 43 times. So it's a helpful little phrase. Look, here's what's about to happen. And I'll put this together with some, with some specific examples, but it's a helpful phrase that can help you reset in the midst of a meltdown, in the midst of defiance or sibling fights or your kids not listening to you. Because when your kids are doing these things and you just react or yell or threaten or just kind of go on and on. I didn't want to say blabber, but that's what it sounds like to your kids because we just keep going on. It shows that you have zero control and you're kind of flailing and your kids know that and it makes them feel unstable. Because if the adult in the home is kind of flailing and threatening things and just yelling, then the adult in the home is not in control. And that doesn't feel good for kids.

[Co-host]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because your Kids need you to be in control and seeing the big picture so that you can give them wisdom and tools. And I encourage you to write those words down that I thought when I became a dad, I thought my job was to be chief disciplinarian in the home, right? My job was to kind of roam through the house catching kids doing things wrong, and then my job was to discipline them. At the time, what I thought that meant was, well, my job is to give them consequences and punish them so they stop it. What I didn't realize was that the word discipline actually means to teach. If you want the deeper meaning, it comes from disciple, which is to live out your life and model for your kids the behavior you want them to emulate.

[Co-host]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And we don't usually do that in our marriages, right. Because we don't often get along with our spouse well, even if we tell our, as we tell our kids, well, you need to learn to settle your differences. And yet the two adults in the home aren't actually having honest conversations and hand on conflict.

[Co-host]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And when we yell, we're like, you need to calm down. We're like, well, apparently you haven't mastered that skill, dad.

[Co-host]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And so I learned to discipline. And what I learned was my job in the home was to give my kids wisdom and tools so that they could make good choices. And so I was equipping them with tools. See, when you come alongside, and I like that picture, rather than, well, my job is just to confront my kids. Well, confronting people in general tends to just create a defensive response. It doesn't work when you come alongside and you guide your kids. See, then you can see with clarity what's going on within yourself, your own emotions, but between two siblings. Or you can help your child deal with what's going on, the frustration inside of him or her, and that leads to problem solving, right? So instead of reacting, you come alongside.

[Co-host]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And it's almost like this. It's not, but it's kind of like that out of body experience where you're watching the scene unfold in front of you in which you're fully engaged, but you're not reacting to the situation, you're influencing the situation and you're teaching and guiding in the moment with maturity and perspective and wisdom. So I'll give you an example. So as we've talked about, our son Casey was a really strong willed child and he still is. And it's those very qualities that make him very successful. And it makes me, I'm proud of him. Tonight I sent him A text, because I haven't really talked to him this weekend much and I just wanted to let him know, hey, is your dad. I'm just really proud of you. I'm proud of the young man you've become. And for the men out there, please, please tell your kids that they need to hear it.

[Co-host]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And so one thing that I didn't like about Casey when he was little is that he had a mouth on him and he was defiant and he would be disrespectful like your kids. And so I would usually react to him. I can't believe that you would talk to me like that. But when I react, I'm coming down to his level and I'm basically acting disrespectful and defiant to him.

[Co-host]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because how many times does that happen? Your child does something, doesn't listen, talks disrespectfully, and you start to lay into them and even say things to them that are cutting, that are hurtful. Now, I used to justify it because I, I was the parent and he's just the kid. So that makes it okay. What does it make it okay?

[Co-host]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And when I was doing that, see, you make the situation all about you and how it's making you feel. I can't believe you talked to me like that. After all I do, you know what? Just for that, you just lost all your video games. How do you like that? And I would become kind of vindictive. See, that works when we take it personally. But when I can step out of my own anxiety over what's happening, right? And I've got. We've all have that anxiety. Oh, am I being a good parent? Why is he doing this? What would my parents say? Would they judge me? What's going to become of my son if he talks like this to other people? Feel all that anxiety when I can step out of that and I can see the situation clearly right now, I can problem solve and teach. So I learned to use this phrase as a go to in order to help me stay calm in the moment.

[Host 1]

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[Kirk Martin]

Puts you on edge.

[Host 1]

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[Kirk Martin]

So it often sounded like this. So Casey, here's what's about to happen. I've heard you use that tone, those words with me like 53 times before. See, I'm giving him context and there's some specificity to it. I'm not just flailing about about how he's disrespectful. I'm letting him know I've heard you use that tone with me 53 times before. I like interesting times and time limits. It makes it stick in the brain. It just, it's just helpful and it's showing him I know what's going on. So case when you use that tone with me, you usually end up losing all of your privileges. We fight and yell and neither of us Feels good or likes the outcome. See, now you've just spoken truth. It's not personal. You're not upset, you're not vindictive. You're just speaking truth. Here's what usually happens. And neither of us feels good. You're providing. This is kind of cool. You're providing an emotional map of the situation, Right? So then you continue. See, I don't think either of us wants that to happen this time. And I've noticed when you use this tone, it's usually because you're anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry. So here's a different plan for you to consider. Now, when I let them know, it's usually because you're anxious, frustrated, or hungry. That's because I've observed my child and I talk a lot about that, about observing your child. Watch for the patterns. And so what I'm identifying for my son was, it's not that you're a disrespectful little snot. That makes my life difficult because we often say those things. Well, that's so general and broad. Well, you're just disrespectful and defiant. Well, that's too broad. Now what I'm doing is identifying the root of it and saying when you are. See, I'm not denying that he's being disrespectful and defiant. I'm not defying that at all. I'm just saying that that's not the root of the issue. That's just the outward manifestation of what's going on. And now, instead of leaving my son just feeling like a horrible child, which many of your kids feel like, that's why they compare themselves to their siblings and they say, you like him. Or they mistreat their siblings because they'll say, you don't treat him like that. How come I'm the only one in trouble?

[Co-host]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because it's just a broad thing. That's why I hate that phrase, like, okay, you can have a cookie today if you're good. What's too broad? What does that even mean, if you're good? Well, the opposite of that is, well, I wasn't good today, so I was bad. And you don't want your kids internalizing that. I just gave my son a gift and said, I've heard you speak like this before. It's not going to work in our home. It's not going to work for you, and neither of us are going to like the outcome. And I don't think we want it to happen. I've Noticed when you use this tone, it's because you're anxious, frustrated, or hungry. Now, I'm helping him identify what gets him in trouble and what he needs to work on and what I can help him with. Does that make sense? It's kind of cool. Now, see, I'm not shutting him down. I'm not even telling him what to do. I'm going to give him some options, some ownership. See, I'm slowing the whirlwind, right? I'm providing another way out. I'm acknowledging that something else is going on. I'm not calling him names and saying that he's being awful, bad kid, right? That I want to choke, even though I kind of do at times, right? Like those feelings of like, oh, this child. But I'm helping him identify what's going on inside of him rather than asking what's wrong with him or watch this, moms and dads, sometimes we do this too much. Honey, do you want to identify your emotions? Well, that's really hard to do when you're a kid and you feel on the defensive. I'm not always a big fan of that. Well, honey, let's identify your emotions. Well, I don't always want to identify my emotions, but what I'm really looking for is some clarity from someone else. So when you come along and say, hey and watch, even in this low key tone, I know it's about to happen here, it's not going to go down well. But what I think is really happening is it sounds like you're kind of anxious about that new thing. You're kind of anxious about school starting. You're kind of frustrated with that assignment. Or I think it's just that you're really hungry. So right now I just identified his emotions and I helped him do that. See, that's. That takes the pressure off because sometimes when we ask what's wrong? It's like, what's wrong with you? And it puts him on the defensive. So then I give an alternative plan. Look, I'm gonna go grab some chips. If you want to grab the salsa, I'll meet you on the deck and I can help you through whatever's bugging you. Now, here's other options. Look, if you want to grab the grounds, if you want to grab the football. Hey, look, if you want to grab a can of soup from the pantry, we can color. We could play catch. We can make grilled cheese and soup. And I'll listen to you. I just gave my upset child something he can do right now instead of just Telling him to stop or shut up or calm down. See, I don't know if I'm a kid, if I'm an adult. I don't know how to calm down right now because I've got all these emotions going through me. But I do know how to grab the chips or the crayons and color or throw a football or help cook with my parent. See, that's concrete. I can do that. It's settling. And so we're moving to a different mindset, to a different physical space. And you've heard me say before, and if you listen to our programs, you'll hear this. Our phrase for calming upset kids is motion changes. Emotion. Motion or movement is really helpful in helping a child control his emotions. And watch what else I'm doing. I'm inviting my child to me, toward me, not pushing him away. You know what? Go to your room until you can learn to talk to me. Respectfully. No, I'm bringing him to me. And so what I want him to know is, when your world is out of control, mine's not. I can handle you at your worst. Because when my child does experience difficult things in life and gets out of control, I want my child to come to me and know my mom is solid, my dad is solid, and I can trust them. See, that feels safe, that feels confident, that feels good, and that leads to problem solve. So this week, I want you to learn to really dig into that. Learn how to do these things. Look, same with sibling fights. And I'll do this example really quickly, but that's why I want you listening to the programs in depth. The podcast, I hope you find, is incredibly helpful. It's free. It's an easy resource. Share it. The difference with the programs, the downloads, the CD programs, is that they go in depth and we go in multiple, multiple angles on each. Each different issue that you face. And it reinforces. It gets it into you so that, you know, these things become much more natural and you stop reacting and you learn how to do this on a regular basis. That will change your home more than changing your child. It's changing your response. So when you have siblings fighting and you come into the living room and you say, look, I know it's about to happen here. So your brother just called you a name because he's got this really cool brain. It's always moving, man. Your brother all gets all these ideas, and he's got this fast little brain that's moving, and he likes his brain stimulated. And so when he gets bored, he ends up calling You a name or he pushes your buttons because he knows that you will always oblige by reacting to him. And when you react to your brother, you stimulate his brain and you give him power over you, right? And you like to be the innocent one who just never does anything wrong. See, it's a little dance you two have. I've watched it for years and always ends this way. You both end up in your rooms upset at each other and you lose your privileges. But here's a different way that you guys can handle that if you want to learn. And I put it in their court. But now I'm teaching them, I'm giving them a diagram, I'm giving them an emotional map, a relationship map of like, here's why you two are fighting. And so now here's a way for you to do it differently. And I can use the same tone, the same phrase with a strong willed preschooler, right? Hey, look, this is what you usually do right before you get a timeout and lose time doing stuff that you love. But here's another option and I could really use some help with this. See, I can use it with a 3 year old or a 13 year old and I encourage you, you can use it with your spouse, right? When you're starting to go down that path and you're like, hey, honey, you know what I've noticed? Here's what, we've got this pattern and here's what's about to happen, right? So can we step back? Because I'm feeling like this is Groundhog Day and I've seen this scene unfold and usually what happens is I say something and I dismiss you tell me something and I dismiss your emotions and I don't take it seriously and then you get upset. Let's step back here and diagram this so that next time we face this situation, we can do it in a different way. So this week let's practice that of using this phrase of hey, here's what's about to happen. Think of that emotional map you're giving your child a map of relationships, a map of an internal dialogue so they know how to get from one place to another. And you end up teaching and it ends up actually being. It ends up actually being an opportunity. And that's why I often encourage parents, slow down your lifestyle so that you have time to teach these things. See, this is, no offense, we train hundreds of thousands of teachers and respect what you do. But the stuff that I'm talking about right here, this is 100 times more important than much of what your child's learning in school to learn how to de escalate situations and have relationships and break negative patterns in life, that is priceless. But it takes a little time to do that. But in all honesty, it takes less time than sending to the rooms and being upset and then having hours where there's chaos in your home. But this begins with you being in control of yourself. So this week, let's work on this specific skill. If you need help with this, reach out to us. C A S E Y Celebrate calm dot com. I would encourage you, if you want to start off with something, get the calm parenting package. It's 30 hours on every different topic you could possibly imagine. It's very, very practical if you want to get everything, including the no BS package. It's on sale. Ask Casey about it. We want to help you. We want you to have the tools. If you do want us to come to your community, by the way, reach out because we are ready to travel and we've got some. A bunch of things scheduled this fall. To meet you in person on the road would be awesome. So thank you. And by the way, I want to dedicate this. I hope they're still listening. Spent all day with this awesome family from out of town. And the mom listens to the podcast. Her name is Lauren, Lauren and Kris. And they've got four kids, Caitlin, Kyle, Alex, and Luke. Just an awesome family. And what it makes you realize is with all the stuff happening in our world and with all the chaos and all the disruptions, it's still your family. What you do in your home has so much of an impact. And when I spend time with a family like this, I think our country's in good hands. We've got four kids who are growing up here with such solid parents and such great kids. Such a joy to be with. And it's just awesome to see when you put all this stuff into place, like, it's just. It's cool. But I want to give a shout out to them in case they're still listening. My goal today, I was trying to, like, wear the kids out, but you know what happened? They wore me out. So, anyway, hey, we love you all. If we can help you in any way, just reach out to us and hope. Talk to you soon. Bye.