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Calm Parenting Podcast
At Your Wits’ End? 5 Ways to Get Your Sanity Back & Your Kids to Be Responsible
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Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
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So are you at your wit's end with your strong willed child? Of course you are. That's why you're listening to this podcast and it very, very common. It makes sense to me. These strong willed kids are enigmas. At times. They're like walking dichotomies. They can have a heart of gold toward others, but then turn around and spew venom at you when they're passionate about something like building or creating. They can focus for hours, but then they can't focus for 10 minutes to complete a simple worksheet. It's frustrating. So I want to share some insight and strategies in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast to release you guilt. To show you how to motivate these kids so they can be successful and you can have a close relationship with them. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com I wanted to share with you an excerpt from one of our foundational programs. This is called Stop Power Struggles with your Strong willed child. It's one of the 14 programs on the new app you can share with family and teachers. So here's how I describe what I usually term our kids and whatever term you want to use, whether it's nerd, neurodivergent, or kids on the spectrum. Maybe it's a child with PDA or the more generic Strong willed kids. These kids are bright, usually very bright. Their minds are continually running and running and scheming and thinking of workarounds, of different ways to get things done, of ways to avoid doing things they don't want to do. And it's hard for you to understand because in your mind you just do what you're told. You're so bright, you're smart. Why can't you just do it? But this is not the way they think. They often struggle with anxiety, which means they like to eliminate unknowns. This often means they control people in situations, collect little acorns or stones in their pockets. They act bossy with siblings and friends, eat the same things, wear the same clothes all the time. They cheat or change the rules of the games. And it often means they struggle with sleep and will stay up later so they wake up tired. When they wake up, they already have an agenda. These are kids who know what they want and it's never what you or teachers want them to do. So there are power struggles over everything, literally everything. And you are going to spend their childhood saying, if you would just do what I asked you to do, you would be done in seven minutes, but you'd rather argue with me for seven hours. Hours or days or weeks or years and lose everything you own. They do not want to do things your way. And you will say, if you would just do it the right way, meaning my way, it would be so much easier. And that won't work for three reasons. One, your way is boring. Duh, stupid. And I know that offends you. Plus it's your way, which means they have no ownership or agency which they really value. And third, doing it the easy way is exactly opposite of how they want to do it. They want a challenge. They want to explore and touch the hot stove and do things the hard way, even though it would just be easier if they did it your way. But they learn best by doing and failing. And consequences won't work for these kids. And that's usually your first and last go to Consequences. Don't get to the root of the problem. And your kids value ownership, agency, and making their own decisions way more than just losing stuff. What they do not want to ever lose is their freedom to do things a different way. And that is critical to understand with these kids. Consequences will not faze them. They're actually part of the process. So you have to spark their internal motivation. That's why the name of our our new program is called Discipline that works when consequences don't. And side note, Those of you who have the Get Everything package will receive this updated program within the next couple days. It is four hours of precise, step by step instructions on the most common and toughest discipline issues you face from kids being aggressive, hitting, kicking car seats, not listening to you, lying, stealing, and just everything I've learned in the past 20 years. So watch, watch for that hitting your app this week. It'll show up and I'm super excited. So these kids have great critical thinking skills and a superpower to go along with it. The ability to see patterns in things. That's why they like to tinker with things and why I like you, going to thrift stores and buying them old equipment that they can take apart so they don't take apart your expensive stuff around the house. But this means that they're really great at arguing, building, often great with Legos, creating music, playing chess or checkers, and they can do Minecraft in their sleep. They can see patterns so they know what you're going to say in an argument before you even say it. They can pick apart your inconsistencies. Little white lies don't work with them. And they've been using reverse psychology on you for years. They're like little cops, judges and attorneys. And they crave the brain stimulation and intense emotional engagement that come from arguing with you and picking on siblings. And look, we miss out on so much of this stuff, and we just think they're just being difficult and we just say, just stop it. But we never get to the root of it and meet the internal needs. But this is why they push buttons all day long. They're often keen observers, so they understand human nature, which means they're really good at identifying and pushing everybody's individual buttons in your family. Now, later in life, they're going to use this trait, combined with their big hearts, to help a lot of people. But right now, it takes them very little effort to get their sibling riled up. All they have to do is I look at my sibling or almost, almost poke them. And now the sibling's like, mom, dad, Kirk's irritating at me. And then one parent comes in the room irritated, Leave your sister alone. How many times have I told you not to do this? Go to your room. And then when you do that, the other spouse gets upset because you're upset. And one child, by looking at or poking, almost poking a sibling, got three people in the home all riled up. And it fed their brains in a very negative way, but it still fed their brains. See, you see how that works? These kids, they're also usually bright, but not academically motivated. So they're not living up to their potential. And that creates anxiety in you about their future, which causes you to lecture. And then they will tune you out or shut down or feel like they can never please you. And you'll end up saying, if you would just apply yourself, you will be capable of doing so much more. The problem is that your child either is applying himself or herself and just needs some additional tools, or your child simply doesn't care about what you care about. And that's why we have to really understand them. Look, your strong willed child can be amazing for other people, just horrible for you. When your neighbors bring your child home, they'll say, oh, your daughter is such a delight to be with. She's so helpful. And you're like, seriously? You mean that girl standing right over there that opposes literally everything I ask her to do? Look, I'm telling you, it's a great trait. You're not raising your kids to be kids. You're raising them to be successful in the adult world. Look, I'm not saying any of this is right or wrong. It just is. It's just the way they are. It's the way they were born. And you can fight that or you can accept that's the way they are and try to influence them in ways that are meaningful for, for your child. And you can work with their nature or just have constant power struggles. Right, that constant. My where the highway approach that I tried when Casey was young, it just provokes constant confrontations. And if you dig in like, oh, yeah, well, I'll tell him or her it's not going to work and you'll lose your whole family. Right? And if this sounds familiar, good, it means you're not alone. And we can give you some insight to change this relationship. And notice I didn't say to first change this child. Look, I can show you how to motivate and discipline this strong willed child, but I always want this to be front and center. The purpose of our programs and podcasts and everything we do is to help you develop a deep, trusting relationship so that your strong will kids can count on you. See, if you're a rule follower by nature, if you're generally compliant, then you are going to struggle with this strong willed child. You're going to label them as defiant, obstinate and difficult. You're going to use words like rebellious and disrespectful. See, here's the hard part. When someone asks you to do something Your first thought is you do it. But that's not what your strong willed child thinks. Their first thought is to question it. Why? Well, you've heard that, right? And oftentimes they're looking for context, the larger picture. And we don't let kids get away with defiance, but we often misunderstand this. See, these kids know how you want them to do it, but what they want to evaluate is if there's a better way to do what you've asked them to do. Again, you won't like that because you want unquestioning obedience. And I get that. So do I. But it's not happening with this child. And by a better way, they mean a different way than you want them to do it. It could be a more challenging or interesting way, maybe a. A more creative way you've never thought about. And it won't always make sense because in your head it's very clear. I ask you to do something, you do it, and then you'd be done. Does it always have to be so hard, so difficult, and you're going to want to tear your hair out and possibly theirs, but don't. I promise that once you understand your strong bull child's brain and heart, you will develop an ever closer relationship with these kids because you will see them in a new way. And because these kids are going to stretch you and cause you to challenge all the assumptions you've made in your life, they're going to cause you to grow up. They're the best therapist you ever will ever have because they're going to identify all of your triggers for you. Because, look, sometimes we think we're raising kids, but in some ways, we're the ones who are growing up in this process. And by the way, many of you are actually, because I hear this on Instagram all the time, you're kind of healing a lot of wounds from your own childhood because you weren't parented the right way. And now you get to hear this and you're like, wow, someone gets my strong willed child. But also someone gets me. I'm not broken. There's nothing wrong with me. And in the course of raising your own child in a different way, you're literally healing generations of people in your family. And it's a really beautiful thing. So I respect you immensely for that. So hang in there. Be open. I'm going to share five ways to get your sanity back in just a few minutes. Look, you don't have to let your kids walk all over you. Listen, we did a podcast in June titled Discipline without being angry or Permissive. You'll find that helpful, so please trust me with this rule. Followers, Most of the time your child is not being intentionally defined, difficult or lazy just because they don't do things the way you want. Work on those assumptions or they will destroy your relationship and I'd rather you say this inside. I respect the fact that you're different than me, so let's geek out together for a minute over Gut Health because I'm really into this. I just learned that prebiotics are the food that help fuel the growth of healthy bacteria, the probiotics in your gut. So you have to have both. And that's why AG1 helps my digestion, calms my stomach, and keeps me regular. Look, I've loved my morning AG1 routine for years, long before AG1 became a wonderful partner to the podcast. It's a quick, easy win because I start my day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients. I just don't have that stomach distress anymore where that bloating, you know, that kind of interferes with your day and puts you on edge. Plus, my weight is down. I've got energy for this hiking season. I'm drinking my Ag one right now while I'm recording this, and I think you should as well. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, which I love, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to be kind to your gut so we just moved into a new home with no landscaping, so we were thrilled to discover Fast Growing Trees. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. No more wasting your weekend driving around being overwhelmed by big garden centers that don't have what you want. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers, including us. Get your plants delivered directly to your door in just a few days. Their alive and thrive guarantee ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus you get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at fast growingtrees.com using the code CALM fast growing trees.com Calm offer is valid for a limited time terms and the conditions may apply. See, one reason you are so at your wit's end is because you are suffering on suffering under the weight of unrealistic expectations. So I want you to know a few things. One, you are not a failure because your kids are different and strong willed. That's the way they are. You didn't do something wrong to make your kids this way. It's the way they were designed and made. So stop fighting their nature and get to know how their hearts and brains work. Your kids aren't broken, they're just different. Allow this to change you. Number two. Don't allow the judgment of other people and extended family to dissuade you from trusting your instincts. You know your strong willed child better than anybody else, better than any professional, better than all of your family. You know what works and what doesn't. So trust yourself. Be confident. Be bold in that. And try not to hang out with people who don't understand your kids. I used to joke that you should make your best friends. Your best friends should have kids that are way worse than yours. So at least you could say, well, our son has some issues, but theirs is going to jail. I'm kidding. But do surround yourself with caring, understanding people who can encourage you and just tell the others to f. I'm just kidding. I'm not really kidding. You have to develop a tougher skin and some boundaries around you and that confidence. And you could always say in jest or in truth, I love my son's curiosity, his willingness to challenge a authority, that persistence. I love my daughter's confidence, creativity, boldness and leadership skills. And you better be nice to my kids because one day your compliant kids are going to be working for mine. Look, if you have our programs, we'll happily share them for free with your child's grandparents, aunts and uncles, with the teachers so they can come alongside and help. Number three. Your job is not to control your child's behavior. You've been told that your job is, well, you better get control of that child. But that's not your job. Your job is to control the one person in life. You can control yourself. Trying to control other people's behavior and emotions always leads to frustration for everyone. It leads to resistance and resentment. Strong willed kids resist because they want to own their own behavior and secretly know they can't please you anyway. Your job as a parent is not based on how your child behaves, but how you behave even when they misbehave. I'm going to say that again. I'll say your job performance as a parent is not based on how your child behaves, but how you behave even when they misbehave. And that's liberating because you can't control their choices or behavior, but you can control yours. Relax into that. You will see your kids change more quickly when you step back from controlling or micromanaging your kids. It gives them space to step up and be responsible for themselves. So here are five ways to get your sanity back. Number one, control yourself. Stop reacting. Stop yelling. Stop lecturing. Work on your control issues. Work on your own perfectionism. We've been through that in recent podcasts, so listen to those. Number two, reset your expectations. Moms and dads, your toddlers and little kids are supposed to explore, make messes, and ruin your agenda. Kids are not supposed to always make good choices. They're supposed to be impulsive and make mistakes and learn from them. So don't be shocked when kids misbehave. Look, as they get older in middle school, especially boys, they're in this hibernation phase of life. They sit in a hoodie for like 10 straight days without washing at the same hoodie. And they play video games and they grunt a lot. I know I'm kind of exaggerating, but not by much. It's a hard time of life because they're not little kids anymore. But they're also not that mature yet. They have surging hormones in this social world is so difficult to navigate and they're so awkward. So relax a little bit. Do not lecture and pressure these kids all the time. Stay connected to them. They need you a lot during this time. But if you're on them all the time, you know, if you would just apply yourself, you would try your best. They'll just shut down and shut you out. And as kids get older, high school kids, look, all of your kids, they're just experiencing life for the first time. Your older kids are in the teen world for the first time ever. It's all new. So discover what motivates them. Bond over things they are interested in, even if it annoys you. Look, their worlds are all about drama every single moment throughout the day, especially with all the social media. Be the one person in their lives. Look, I don't know why, but that almost made me choke up. Be the one person in their lives who doesn't do drama. Can you imagine being a teenager living today when it is constant 24 7, drama that's seen in front of them all the time. And then we come in lecturing always on them and we just create more drama. I can't believe that you would talk to me that way. Why? Why can't you believe that they're teenagers? Be that person who's that sanctuary in their life. And it's like, oh, I can go to my mom and I can go to my dad and tell them anything and they don't cause more drama. And that goes for toddlers and all the way up through the teen years, by the way, stop imposing your 35 or 40 year old expectations on your kids. Your kids. You're just projecting anxiety. Number three, see your kids differently, not through that clouded vision of your anxiety about their future. I would rather you spend time relentlessly affirming their good traits. Just notice. Observe what they're already doing well and notice that that's all I want you to do. Sometimes, yes, we can discipline and correct them, but I want you to spend a lot of time just noticing what they're doing well, and then say it to them. I promise you, it will motivate your kids more than you can possibly imagine. Number four, feed their brains with positive emotional intensity. Quick example. Casey would come into a room with his eyes and brain on fire, so to speak, wanting to push my buttons or argue with me. Because for years I kind of trained him to do that. I'd taken the bait, stepped into the courtroom and promptly been owned by a kid. And I'd be angry and exasperated. Why can't he just listen to me? I never did this with my dad. Why is he so defiant? And all those thoughts kind of consumed me until I finally learned to stop reacting and start looking under the surface so I could look at him, say, hey, Casey, I know exactly what you want. You want my intense emotional engagement. Or you could say you want brain stimulation that comes when I argue with you. I apologize for leading you to believe that's the best way to get connection with me, man. That's a deep thing that you're doing right there. If you can say that to your, hey, I apologize by my behavior for the first 6, 9, 12, 18 years of your life. I've led you to believe this is the best way and you can fill in the blank. But to get a connection with me, I'm not going to do that anymore. But here's what we can do together right now. And then I gave him some positive options. And that not only stopped the power struggles, it gave him insight into how his brain works. Look, your kids don't wake up in the morning and just think, hey, I'm going to try to do eight different things to irritate my parents and teachers so I can be in trouble all day. They don't always understand this and we don't either. And we keep telling them the wrong things of you're defiant, why don't you ever listen? We don't teach them what they're really looking for, how their brains work. But my son knows that and he uses that insight to this day to feed his brain intensity through positive activities rather than risky or destructive ones. It's critical for your neurodivergent, your ADHD kids to understand that. Number five, give your kids ownership of their choices. So I do not give kids control of my home. I don't let them do whatever they want and I don't give in. But what I do is give them ownership of their choices within my boundaries. I just tend to make my boundaries and rules and expectations. I make my boundaries wider for these kids. I give them some latitude within this larger box. And I say this, look, here's what I don't say. I don't say, hey, if you want to do your chores, if you want to do your homework, if you want to listen. Instead I say, hey, you're going to do your chores, you're going to do your homework, you're going to help your mom, you're going to get ready for school. I just don't care how you do it. The main idea is that I relinquish control over how my child gets ready for school and completes homework and chores and completes necessary tasks. They don't get control over whether they do these things, but over how I can make things a challenge. I can let them do things in odd ways, ways that I personally don't like or that even irritate me as they as long as they accomplish the task. So let's work on those five things this week because that will stop the power struggles that will build a closer relationship with your child. It will restore your sanity and you will see the strong will. Kids can be extremely responsible. They don't. They're not always like obedient kids, but they are very responsible kids and that's what I really wanted to raise. Look, if you need help, work through the programs because we show you exactly how to do this step by step. We have a big sale going on and you also get the brand new discipline program, which again, I'm super excited about. I put really excited. So thank you for listening to our podcast. Thank you moms and dads and grandparents. Thanks for working so hard at this. Thanks for sharing the podcast. For those of you who are Instagram, I'm pretty active there and I love the kind of little community we've created there to feel supported. And you will definitely not feel alone there. So thank you all. Okay, love you. Talk to you soon. Bye.