← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
Advertiser
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
How many of you dread waking your kids up in the morning for school, starting the day with a power struggle at 6:42am well, guess what?
- [01:30]
Co-host
Your kids dread this as well.
- [01:31]
Kirk Martin
And no amount of pleading, bribing, threatening or yelling ever work. In fact, this is kind of what your child hears. You say, come on honey, it's time to get up. I know you didn't sleep well because you have a busy brain and anxiety and it's really early in the morning. But it's time to get up and go to that place where you're on red on the behavior chart every day. Where where they group you with only kids your own age, and it's naturally hard to connect with them. So you sit alone in the cafeteria where you often feel stupid even though you're probably the brightest kid in the class. And now I'm rushing you to do the five things you least want to do early in the morning. Get up for school. Shower. Get dressed in clothes that don't feel comfortable. Eat food you don't like because your stomach is upset. Brush your hair and brush your teeth. Ready for another wonderful day at school, honey? Right. Like that. So of course they're going to get you're going to get pushback. Look, it's not your fault. You're not doing anything wrong. And to be honest, neither is your child. Look, many of us who had jobs that we hated with a boss who didn't understand or like us doing work we weren't really great at. Right? That happened to me many times when I was a young professional. Well, we felt that anxious feeling in our gut on Sunday evenings as we prepared for the work week. Right. We didn't hop out of bed excited to begin the new day. We did it because we had to. But we didn't like it. Look, looking back, I existed on PB and JS and chips at a couple jobs where I was making good money as a mid level executive. But my stomach was continually upset. Hence the comfort food and the salty snacks. Right? So part of being a calm parent is slowing down long enough and calming your own anxiety to reset expectations of yourself and your child. Look, this is normal pushback. What you're doing now is backfiring and not working. So let's try something you may consider weird or unconventional because that often works with strong willed kids. And that is what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecallm.com if you need help, reach out to our son Casey, because he was an absolute bear to wrestle from bed as a kid until we learned some different ways to motivate him to get up out of bed. And you can contact him at Casey C A S E Y celebrate calm.com tell us about your family. What are you struggling with? What are the ages of the kids? We get together as a family, we discuss it, we reply back to you directly. Specifically, if you need help with any of our programs, if you need help financially with them, reach out to Casey. It's what we exist for. So here is one of the ways that I want you to try getting your kids out of bed. And this is going to be very different. But I promise you, for most of your kids, it's going to be awesome. So tomorrow morning I want you, I even dare you to walk into your child's bedroom and issue a challenge similar to this. Hey, bet you can't find where I hid your breakfast in the backyard or hey, I hid your breakfast, we're closed. I don't care. I hid your breakfast in obstacle course in the backyard or in the basement, but you can't find it in less than seven minutes. See now that is something most younger strong will kids would love to do first thing in the morning. And you can modify it for older kids, but many of you kids still would still love that and I'll explain why in a minute. But just think about this. Your child's kind of waking up, they're kind of grumpy, they don't want to go to school, and instead of walking in and telling them all these different things to do, you walk in and say, hey, I hid your breakfast in the backyard, but you can't go forage for it and find it. So couple quick notes and I'll get into the reasons I like this. Obviously make it doable. Don't be a dad like me and hide it somewhere so difficult you frustrate your child. Look, I don't care if you throw some Mac and cheese in the backyard and challenge your child to eat it on all fours like a cow. I don't care. I don't even care if it's cold or snowy. That's even more fun and more of a challenge. Your kids don't wear jackets anyway, so they'll be fine in their shorts and hoodie, right? Or hide the breakfast in the attic or the basement.
- [05:45]
Co-host
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- [07:19]
Kirk Martin
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- [07:22]
Co-host
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- [08:15]
Kirk Martin
So here are the many reasons I think this is a fantastic idea. Number one, it's fun. Reintroduce some fun back into your family life amidst all the chaos and the struggles and responsibilities. Let your kids be kids again. Number two, you just gave your child a challenge. Strong willed kids often balk at doing the mundane, boring things. But when you make things harder, it stimulates the brain. It's a challenge. And they like that. And look, almost all kids everywhere on the planet love a treasure hunt, right? Searching for something. Number three, you just stimulated your child's brain to do something he actually wants to do instead of barking out the five things he hates doing in the morning. See, now his brain is firing on all cylinders. Now he has a mission. If you listen to our curriculum, you'll hear us talking about purposeful missions. They're very good at that. Now your child is actually moving. He or she is out of bed, right? And it's easier to get things done once you're actually moving. Number four, most importantly, you just created a success first thing in the morning. And I cannot emphasize how critically important this is other than using the words critically important. It's a strategy you must use with these kids in school, at extracurriculars, all throughout the day and evening, you've got to create successes. Because if you don't, their natural behavior, their natural bent in life will result in them being in trouble literally all the time. Then guess what happens? They begin to internalize. I'm a bad kid. Nobody likes me. Then they'll pick on siblings out of resentment and it'll end up fracturing your marriage. This is really important stuff. So let's just break this down. You have every right to walk, even march into your child's room, and expect that he or she will get up and get ready for school each day without much fight. And that's how it works for most kids, and probably with you, as a child, you have the right to expect that. But your experience, no matter what you've tried, is that it simply doesn't work that way with this child. And I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I have said it's not your fault. It's not that you've done something right or wrong. It just is. And I want you to realize that that's all you can deal with in the moment. What is, not what should be or not how you want it to be. It just is. Accept that, deal with that creatively, and you'll get a different response. Quick side note, a lot of issues in the morning are anxiety issues. Your kids have a lot of anxiety about the all the unknowns they're going to face at school of like, who am I going to sit next to? Who am I going to play with? Am I going to get picked on? What if I didn't study for that test? What if I don't do well? What if I don't like that writing assignment? What if I get in trouble? All that anxiety in the morning causes them just to want to duck under the covers. And now you don't even have to address that anxiety specifically, Right? With words. You gave them a job to do, something they're in control of, that they're good at. Right? Look, this isn't so hard. It doesn't have to always be that hard. You came up with a creative way to get your child out of bed that's fun and engaging and that your child likes. Look, stop making everything harder than it needs to be. Do what works. Create some successes instead of digging in and think, well, this is way we did things as kids. We've already tried that 47 times. It didn't work, so try something different. And I will speak to my fellow dads and some moms who feel justified forcing things because that's the way we did it as kids and. Right. And you think we're coddling kids by being creative and not forcing them to do things like we did. And I'll address this common feeling, right? A lot of dads say, well, when we were kids, and you're not wrong, but what you conveniently leave out are all the ways it was better and easier for us as kids. See, we had a lot more freedom as kids. We were basically think about summer. We were gone all day long outside riding bikes, getting in trouble, and our parents didn't even know where we were or what we were doing. Most of the time we just came home when the street Lights came home or on when or when my dad whistled. Because everybody in my neighborhood knew my dad's whistle. And it means get your butt home now. Right? But it was awesome, right? Because we had so much freedom to do stuff. But your kids are being watched and observed and micromanaged all the time. So for the other dads out there and some of the moms, be aware of the skewed comparisons to our childhood, right? It's a different time and you can't deal in what should be, only what is. You know, I didn't have this noted, but I do want to say this, guys, right? I get it. I know the most efficient, effective way to do things. I understand that kids should just do this and that, but you have a strong willed child who's different than you are. And it's different than when we were growing up in many ways. And that doesn't mean it's better or worse because there are some things that are better, there's some things that were worse than them, but this is the way it is. And don't dig in and say, well, we do a lot of denial as men. I know I did. Well, my son doesn't have any problems. He's just going to grow out of this. Well, that wasn't true. You know what it was? It was my own immaturity and that I didn't know how to deal with my son's different issues. And my son did have some different issues that needed to be addressed, but I ignored them and I acted like they're just going to go away because that's how I dealt with stuff then. And I'm just, I'm encouraging you to be open to some different things because if, what if you're, what if what you're doing isn't working? It's not going to magically start working tomorrow or next year. So I know you may be irritated at the idea of letting this one challenging child eat their breakfast outside instead of demanding they eat like a normal kid with the rest of the family. Which brings me to my next point on why this is such a great idea. Number five. Here's another reason this strategy works. Well, how many of your kids would love to eat their breakfast outside with the chipmunks? Can you picture them at peace out there? And I mean this. It often brings them peace and contentment to be by themselves, away from your annoying warning voice, sitting in a tree or walking around eating. It is a wonderful way to start the day. So why not do that? And I'm going to Repeat that again. Why not do that? It's just because it's weird, right? Why not? Number six, now you're going to laugh at this, but it's not just funny, it's true. When your strong willed child is outside enjoying his breakfast, you and your more compliant, easygoing children can be inside actually enjoying a peaceful breakfast together without the strong willed child complaining he doesn't like what you made and being grumpy and causing drama, everybody wins. So just do it. Number seven. When your strong will child eventually comes in, or by the way, better yet, just put his toothbrush and toothpaste outside and let it brush his teeth there and go right from there to the bus or the car. But when you see your child next, guess what you get to do? You get to praise this child for finding his food. Hey, good job, my friend. You know what? Tomorrow I'm going to have to hide it in a different spot, right? And so now your morning begins. Instead of I don't know why you can't get out of bed. You know, if you don't get out of bed right now and you don't get downstairs in a few minutes, you're going to lose all your video games tonight. Because that's a great way to start the day, right? Like instead of getting on this child from the time he wakes up, you just started the day saying, man, you're a good problem solver. How did you, you know what, as we're driving to school, tell me how you found it. How did you know it was there under that spot, right? And now you're engaging your child, you're letting them know you are a good problem solver. Because they are good problem solvers. You know why? Because they create so many problems. I was just kidding on that one, but it was fun to say. So maybe this evolves into you all eating outside together more. Or maybe if he gets up four mornings in a row on Friday morning, he gets to hide your breakfast one day and right then you have to find it. Or maybe if mom goes off to work early, she hides it before going off to work. And then you text a video of his search, right? Like of him proudly holding up the food that he found. And you video that to mom while she's at work. There's lots of variations and how you can make this work and actually make it fun. Number eight. It builds confidence. You just began the day and sent your child off to school after completing a mission, after getting praised for doing a good job and now feeling good about himself or herself. So now your child's more relaxed after having some time outside, more ready for school. Final point, do what works. Don't be afraid of other people's judgments. Right. I know many of you have neighbors and friends with compliant kids. Our kids just get up in the morning and they, they fix their own breakfast, eat whatever we put in front of them. Yeah, I get that. I know you're perfect and so are your kids. But maybe God knew that you couldn't handle a tough kid, so he gave you easy kids. Right? That's me being judgmental toward them. So I apologize. But not really so. Because we got enough of those judgments from people. Don't be afraid of other people's judgments. Don't be afraid of your parents. Judge you. You know, when you were kids. Yeah, I know, mom and dad. That was 1973. Guess what else was different? We got to run around all the time, you know. Mom and dad, do you want us to fill you in on all the bad things, all the mischievous stuff that we did when we were kids before my mom passed? Because I knew it would be a great parting thing to do for my mom. But before my mom, as she got a little bit older, I was like, mom, you had four boys. Do you realize what we were doing? Because we used to in the wintertime, we would go make snowballs and we'd hit cars because we were all athletes in our neighborhood. We would throw snowballs at cars and be boom, boom, boom, boom. And the poor parent would stop and they get out of the car and they come up to our front door and they tell my mom like, hey, you think your kids, someone at your house was throwing snowballs at our car. And my mom, who's the sweetest person on the planet, was like, my boys would never do that. So I was like, mom, what do you think we were doing out there? Right? But we got away with a lot of other stuff. So just tell your judgmental parents to chill as well or leave your strong willed child with your parents for a weekend. See how they do with the old school approach. Right? And here's the other one. Don't be afraid of your own judgments of yourself. Relax. Do what works. It is what it is. Right now I've got a lot of other ideas for morning routine. I had some written down, but I'm going to try to keep this one a little shorter. I've got ideas for morning routine. Some are more straightforward and traditional, others more creative. I've got ideas for dinner time, for bedtime, for homework time, and I encourage you listen to all of the calm parenting programs on the new app. This is what's cool. All you do is you download an app, you log in. All the programs are ready to listen to directly on your iPhone, your Android, your tablet. You can share it with your family with a click of a button. It's really cool. Our goal is for you to enjoy your child again and stop the power struggles. But for now, let's start with this fun strategy. Try it tomorrow morning. I dare you. Your kids may actually all like eating outside and then you could enjoy peace inside the morning. Look, if you need. If you guys need anything, reach out to Casey celebrate calm.com. let us know what you need help with and we'll help you out. And I do encourage you as you go through the programs just to email me and it will help you with anything that you're struggling with. Okay? Love you all. Can't wait to hear what happens when you do this tomorrow morning. Or start just randomly throwing Mac and cheese in the backyard. It's an awesome thing. Just try it. See ya.