← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads.
- [00:02]
Unknown
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- [00:45]
Kirk Martin
Like ours and your happiness is Skylight's happiness.
- [00:49]
Unknown
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
Okay, secretly, how many of you can't wait for your kids to go back to school? Look, don't feel guilty about that. Maybe can't wait to go back to school to get away from their siblings and you because it's hard. It's New Year's Day. For the last couple weeks, kids have been out of school, you've been off of work. Everybody's been together. But your schedules are all messed up. You've been traveling. There's all this emotion. You're out of sync, eating the wrong things. And so here's what I want to do. I want to start the new year on a positive note. I want to give you three very specific things you can do at home and also in school so we can get some positive momentum. Momentum heading into the New year. Because even though it's new year, everything, like all the issues haven't gone away. So that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our New year sale@celebratecalm.com so three things at home and school. One, connect and control yourself. Two, create successes and three, affirm positive choices and behavior. So at home, let's start with connection. There are a hundred different things you can do, but remember, connection usually breeds more cooperation. And that relationships change behavior. You've seen this over the holidays on those days where you were just a little bit on edge and your tone got a little bit shorter, it affected your kids behavior. But when you were relaxed, when you reset yourself, it changed their behavior. So positive. Remember, our kids aren't just looking for our attention. They want our intense emotional engagement. And that's where, look, even spending three minutes being really engaged, asking questions, being curious about something they're interested in. And I would take that a step further and say bond over something that usually irritates you. Now I've done this in the past. I'm not going to do big examples right now, but I want to just plant that seed. Like even take them interest in things you don't like, like your kids music. Like they're, I'll give one that you're going to hate their video games. And instead of just like, oh, you guys play too much. Why do you always do that? Say, hey, I'm curious. What is it about this particular video game that you, that, that you find so intriguing, that you find so challenging? What is it about that, what is about that music that you listen to?
- [03:55]
Unknown
What do you love about it?
- [03:56]
Kirk Martin
And just be curious. Don't try to convince them that it's, that it's wrong and it's ruining their childhood. Just be curious about it with some measure of intensity. It'll also throw them off because instead of lecturing them, you are now taking an interest in something they're passionate about. With older kids, ask them to teach you something and show you something. Maybe it is something with technology. It's a great bonding tool. And let's learn how to control ourselves. Look, that's a big thing. In early January, throughout January, I'm going to do a series of podcasts on learning how to break some of those patterns, a lot of those childhood issues, so that we can stop the reactivity, the yelling, the lecturing, because it just doesn't work. And so some of this is from patterns in our childhood. Oh, by the way, big announcement. Over the holidays, I just completely re, engineered, retold, reworked the 30 days to calm program. It's about breaking generational patterns. So if you have our programs, go into your Soundwise app. Go into the app and you'll see a new recording, a new workbook, and it's called New 30 Days to Calm. It's completely different than the one before because I've updated everything. I added. Hey. Dealing with childhood patterns and roles that we brought from childhood into our adult life. That is sabotaging our relationships. Moms especially, who constantly taking the temperature of your home, how to deal with your triggers. It's all new. I am super excited about this. So go. Even if you went through that before, go through it again because it's so much of it is brand new. And if you don't have it, go to the website and get that. This 30 days to calm is included in all of our programs. But here's what I want to start the new year with. Let's start with something easy and get a win. Look, I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions. Why? Because everybody does them and nobody keeps them. Goals are fine, but some goals you hit, some goals you don't. I prefer to make commitments because if I make a commitment to my wife, to my kids, to my friends, oh, I keep my commitment because that's about my personal integrity and it shows that I value them. So I'd rather you make some commitments and shorten the duration. Right. Like this year, I'm going to stop yelling and break all my generational patterns. That's an awesome goal. But let's start with something a little bit easier. Like, hey, for the next two weeks, every time I feel compelled, because that's what your anxiety does, it makes you feel compelled to do this. There's no peace in lecturing or yelling. Every time I want to lecture or yell, instead, I'm going to sit down. Now, I know that sounds too simple and you want more, which is fine, I give you more. But I want to start with something you can do. Because, look, it's not just about, like, I'm going to stop doing, doing X. Whenever you have stopped doing something, you have to start doing something differently. And sitting down is something that you can do just about anywhere you are. It will change your tone of voice. Look, it is virtually impossible to sit and yell at someone, right? Like, even if you're Italian, that is hard to do. So sit. Because when you sit, you will begin to reset yourself and you'll start to see the situation differently. And then you can change your tone of voice to the calm, even matter of fact. Then you can begin to lead and problem solve. But let's just begin very simply. Hey, I just changed one thing. And just watch how your kids watch how their behavior and their response changes when you sit and even when you use that even matter of fact tone. Okay? Number two, create successes. Now, look, here's the thing. Consequences tend not to work that well. And those red, yellow and green behavior charts that we use in schools, they don't work partly because your kid walks into school, they're already on yellow, right? They know they're never getting to green. So they figure, hey, if I'm going to be on red today, I may as well just double down and make it a really bad day. And so the reason is this. There are two ways to handle misbehavior. One is to you wait, the child misbehaves, does something wrong, and then you react and punish the child with a consequence. But what we're doing is we're basically punishing a child for failing or look, I know my kids, I know my students struggle with this. So what if I proactively give them a tool to succeed? And so here are some tools you can use in your home. Give your kids missions this week as you're kind of getting ready to go back to school and get back in the flow, give your kids submissions doing things that they're just naturally good at doing. One of those things is adult type jobs. Your strong willed kids are not always good at being a kid, but they're really good in the adult world. So actually asking them to cook a meal, just don't expect them to follow a recipe or clean up that well. But cooking a meal I have. We work with families whose kids change the oil or do landscaping stuff because they like digging in the dirt. It's very sensory helping you at your job. We have kids who will enter things into an Excel spreadsheet because they're really good at doing that. So look for some different types of missions, jobs and challenges that your kids can do that they're actually good at, good at doing. I like making things a challenge. I love having that treasure hunt in the morning, right where you wake your kids up and you're like, hey, hid your food, hit a favorite toy in the basement in the backyard, but you can't find it. Gets their brains moving. Get some focused on completing a specific task. And I also like for successes, sensory exercise. Many of your kids have sensory issues. Their bodies crave food, physical pressure. So younger kids, I love having an obstacle course in the basement or backyard. Things they have to climb under, crawl over, push, pull. It's why many of your kids, they don't really do well at team sports all the time. So they're better at individual sports. So martial arts classes, rock climbing, anything that is very physical. Climbing trees is very helpful for these kids. Swimming. So those are ways that you create successes in your home so that you have an opportunity more of an Opportunity to do the third thing, which is affirm your kids for what they're already doing. Well, and look, when you praise your kids, a couple things about praise. Look, praise is just a simple acknowledgment of the truth. Hey, you did that really well. Hey, I like how you handle that. And you don't make a big deal out of it with strong willed kids. Because if we do the whole thing like, oh, honey, you just made a great choice, right? It sounds like we never thought you'd actually make a good choice and you just did. So we're going to have a party and it draws too much attention to them, which they do not like in this sense. And it also creates pressure. And they'll often reject your praise because what they're saying inside is, no, no, no, now there's pressure because you're going to expect me to always make a good choice. See, I like it to be very low key. I like planting seeds. Hey, nice job how you handled that. Fist bump and then walk away, Create some space, right? I love. Hey, I saw how your sister was irritating you and you just walked away. Shows me you're growing up. Hey, I heard you playing the board game with your brother and I know that you lost and you started to complain, but then you said, good game, man. A lot of adults can't do that. Fist bump, walk away. Praise is not hard. You don't have to think. You're just simply acknowledging what they're already doing. Well, hey, I like how you handle that. Start noticing, Hey, I like your creativity. I like that you look. Here's one I'll challenge you with. Hey, you know what I like about you and what I admire? You stand up for yourself. You're willing to speak up, and you do challenge me. And sometimes you do it in a way that is disrespectful. But much of the time, the arguments that you have are actually very well thought out, which tells me you have really good critical thinking skills and that's what companies value. So I like how you think, and I can show you how to do it without losing all your stuff. Right? But you're not making a big deal out of it. I love this one for little kids. And I think I mentioned this in an Instagram video a couple weeks ago. I Spy. Play I Spy. You know what, you're sitting around the table, you're in the car, whatever, and you say, I spy a girl in a blue shirt who is amazing at building and tinkering with things, who has this amazing engineering brain. I spy a boy in a red shirt who's incredibly creative, pictures things in his brain and then creates them. And even with older kids, you could do it with like a middle school kid. I spy a teenager in the same hoodie sweatshirt for 18 straight days who crushes it when playing video games and is trying to suppress a smile through his scowl right now. Make it fun with your kids. Relax a little bit, because when you relax and enjoy them, I guarantee the discipline gets much easier. Okay, what about doing this in the school setting?
- [14:02]
Unknown
So let's geek out together for a.
- [14:04]
Kirk Martin
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- [15:05]
Unknown
So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer.
- [15:10]
Kirk Martin
That's drinkag1.com calm to be kind to your gut.
- [15:16]
Unknown
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- [15:31]
Kirk Martin
Don'T have what you want.
- [15:33]
Unknown
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- [16:29]
Kirk Martin
So here's how we can apply these same principles in school. Look, can you imagine being a teacher after the kids have been out of school for two weeks on that first morning? It's hard. And so I like working with teachers. And most of the time you can. I know there are some teachers that are kind of rigid, but here's an example. Here are a few examples. You could begin the new year by sending the teacher a note or going in and talking to the teacher and saying something like, hey, Mrs. Henderson, I appreciate how challenging it can be to teach and parent, you know, kids like ours. You and I have the same. We share the same goal to ensure that our child is a curious student who loves to learn. What we've discovered is that our son, our daughter, doesn't respond well to consequences or timeout shuts down when they're overwhelmed or things get negative and is struggling with feeling like no one likes him or her. Our typical discipline tools are not working at home either. So could we try something different for the next two weeks and see if we can make progress? See, I like setting it up like that of saying, like, hey, you're not alone. Like, we struggle with him at home, you're struggling at school. And so could we try something different at home and at school to see if it works? Because the red, yellow, green behavior charts aren't working. So here are some ideas for Remember our three things connection. Look, as soon as our daughter walks into the classroom, could you ask her about something she's interested in? It's very simple to ask about their favorite sports team, a toy, their dog, a favorite flavor of ice cream. Connect over something. You know, something you could do with a teacher is see if you can find something that your child and the teacher, something they share in common, something they're both kind of into. Because when you share a common interest, it's much easier to have a connection with that person. Maybe they both love pepperoni pizza, favorite movie that sometimes can help. But even as a teacher, when we had kids come to our house for these camps back in the day, I knew that they were anxious. And the first thing that I did, I'd look for something they were wearing on their shirt or something they brought. If it was like a Star wars shirt, I was like, oh, who's your favorite character? And as soon as I connected with them, you could see they would just relax from that simple connection. Tools to succeed in the classroom. It could be this. Hey, could you give our son a job, a mission, every morning doing something he's good at doing that makes him feel helpful and needed? Because that builds confidence. It helps with anxiety when you tell a child, hey, I could really use your help moving those heavy books from the back of the room to my desk, right? Being able to say, hey, I could really use your help. Honey, you are so creative. Do you think you could help create a sign for our upcoming event? Could you help? Could you help that new girl in class feel comfortable? Perhaps it's just doing something physical for the teacher, moving something in the room. Because that kind of mission gets their brain focused on completing a specific task. They're often good at it. And our kids like challenges, right? Hey, you know what? The other kids are adding two digit numbers. Think you can add these three digit numbers? Hey, bet you can't do X. See, I like challenges like that in the classroom. So we've been through before having a blue backpack and a red backpack in the back of the room with books in them and saying, oh, I could really use your help. Hey, could you go take that red backpack next to the teacher next door? And then when the child gets there, he brings the other backpack back to the room. He's meeting some sensory needs by carrying a heavy backpack, he's completing a specific job. It takes less than 60 seconds. But I just created a success, which allows me to do the third thing, which is affirm for the good choices the kids are making to counterbalance the negatives. Look, there's absolutely no way you can keep a child engaged in class learning when it's always negative, negative, negative. We have to find and catch them doing things. Well, hey, that was a really good choice. I appreciate you doing that, man. You are so helpful. Remember, I've done the example of a kid who's, who's, let's say, blurting out in class. Why don't just say, well, it's okay, I know you have adhd, so that's hard for you. I don't make excuses for kids, but I can pull them aside and say, hey, I know why you blurt out. Because you've got this really amazing brain and you're thinking of ideas all the time. You're like the next generation Steve Jobs Jobs who's going to come up with some kind of really cool invention and you Think of these ideas, but you do struggle with short term memory. So you get this idea in the middle of class and then you're afraid you're going to forget it, so then you blurt out. Well, blurting out is not acceptable in my class. See how I even said that it's not acceptable in my class? I didn't say, you know what you always blurt out, that's rude. See, once you go with a snotty tone with a strong willed child and you go negative, they're like, it's kind of like, screw you, I'm not going to work hard for you. But I come alongside and I say, I know what's going on in your brain. You've got a really cool brain. I like your brain. I want your ideas. So here's the tool I'm going to give you. And we've talked before about giving kids three talk tickets, little cardboard tickets that they can redeem in class. So when, when not if they want to share their amazing off topic idea and blurred out because it's always off topic. Instead they get to hold up a talk ticket and the teacher can say, either hey, go ahead, share your idea or zip, hold it till after class because I can't wait to hear it. But I want you to learn some self control and impulse control because now I'm teaching them how to do it instead of just saying, hey, if you keep blurting out my class, you miss recess or the class field trip. See, that doesn't work. But now I'm giving the child tools. I'm explaining how their brain works. I'm letting them know, yeah, you just struggle in this area, but you're really strong in this other area. See, that's a beautiful thing to do with our kids. And now I'm giving them a tool and so I can say, hey, you know, it was really cool back in math class is you wanted to blurt out. You started to blurt out, but instead you held up your talk ticket. Man, that's called self control. That is awesome. Or I've had teachers create a little box, an idea box on their desk. And the child, when they're getting one of their ideas can just scribble a quick note on a piece of paper that has a little light bulb on the top of it and then put it in that idea box. And then every day after lunch, the teacher pulls things out of that idea box. And they're mainly just notes, 18 notes from this one child who's got a very active brain. And the teacher gets to read those out and share them with the class. And it's like that child who is reading a book in the middle of math class, and instead of just correcting them, you know what? It's math class. You're not supposed to be reading. See, as soon as you go with that tone, I'm done. I am a grown man. If you use that tone with me, my first instinct is, screw you. I'm not going to listen to anything you say. But if you were to say, hey, you know what I love about you? You're curious. The reason you're reading is because you're curious. I wish all the kids were as curious as you. Hey, it's math class, so you need to put away your book. But in 15 minutes, we'll have time to read. Or after lunch if you want to share with a class what book you're reading and why you're so into it. Man, I'd love to spark that curiosity in everybody else. See, there's a way to do this where you're not just shutting them down. You're not just shaming your kids. Part of this is teaching your kids how their brains work. And that reminded me, I got this really cool email from this mom, and I just want to encourage you with this. And she said, kirk, no one ever gave me permission to listen to parenting information with my kids around. I have very little free time when my kids aren't around. And after they go to bed, I just want to relax. The fact that you encouraged me to listen to your programs, and even if you don't have our programs, listen to the podcast with your kids around totally freed me. Before, I had been under the assumption that parenting was like being the wizard of Oz. We show our kids the great and powerful Oz, but try to hide the vulnerable human behind the curtain. I hadn't even realized that I was thinking that way. Why not let my kids see me trying to improve my parenting? What a great lesson to teach them. Relationships require effort, and we have to work to make them better. I can show them that I love myself and them enough to put effort into it. Plus, they can see that their inner struggles and our conflicts at home aren't isolated. Everybody deals with fears. Everybody has weaknesses and strengths and anxiety, and we need learn better how to deal with them. So thank you. So I love that. I love kids listening to our podcast, listening to the programs, because it will spark interesting conversations. But don't be surprised when they're like, mom, dad, that's you. You do that. You lecture all the time. Is that your anxiety? Right. And now you can own it. Say yes. That's where it comes from. And I'm trying to break that. And then once you own your own issues, it makes it much easier to help them deal with theirs, because you're normalizing the fact that we're all flawed human beings and we have issues to work on. And then they get to see you living that out right in front of them. That is the one thing that probably changed Casey more than anything else is him watching me wrestle with my own issues. It's not like it's. It's not like it's a shocker. Like, really? I didn't realize, mom and dad, that you struggled with that. Of course. They've watched you yell, listen to you lecture for years, and you do that because you love your kids. But it's a new year, and it's time to break those patterns. So let's do this. Let's focus. This coming week, what are we going to do? We're going to focus on three things. We're going to connect with our kids. We're going to learn to control ourselves, and then we're going to create successes with our kids and then affirm them just for the good choices they're making. Okay? Love you. Moms and dads respect you so much for working so hard. If we can help you, just let us know. Talk to you soon. Bye.