Child Bossy, Melt Down Over Transitions & Losing, Argue Relentlessly?

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast Episode Summary: "Child Bossy, Melt Down Over Transitions & Losing, Argue Relentlessly?"

Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: May 28, 2023

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Introduction

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into the challenging behaviors exhibited by strong-willed children. Addressing issues such as bossiness, meltdowns during transitions, difficulty handling losses, and relentless arguing, Kirk provides insightful strategies to help parents navigate these turbulent behaviors effectively.

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Understanding the Root Causes

Kirk begins by identifying the common thread underlying various challenging behaviors in children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD. He emphasizes that many of these behaviors stem from a child's need to regain a sense of control in an often over-scheduled and demanding environment.

Kirk Martin [01:20]: "All of these behaviors have basically the same root cause. And that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast."

He explains that when children feel their world is chaotic and out of control, their natural response is to exert control over their environment and others, leading to behaviors such as bossiness and meltdowns.

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Strategies to Address Bossiness and Control Issues

1. Validating Emotions

Kirk highlights the importance of validating a child's feelings rather than dismissing them. For instance, when a child is frustrated because their paper airplane didn't fly as expected, instead of insisting it was a good airplane, acknowledge their frustration.

Kirk Martin [04:38]: "If I were you, I'd be frustrated too. You put a lot of effort into making that airplane... You're conscientious when you care about something you work hard at."

This approach not only calms the child but also reinforces positive traits like conscientiousness.

2. Providing Controlled Choices

To help children feel in control, Kirk suggests offering them tasks or "missions" that they can manage. For example, when a child is bossing siblings around, redirect their need for control by assigning them a simple task.

Kirk Martin [17:24]: "You simply gave him an opportunity to be in control of one simple, stupid little thing in his world."

This method allows children to channel their need for control into productive activities, reducing bossy behavior.

3. Consistency and Routine

Kirk underscores the significance of consistency in daily routines, such as eating the same meals or wearing the same clothes. This predictability reduces the number of decisions a child has to make, conserving their mental and emotional energy for more important tasks.

Kirk Martin [06:35]: "They eat the same, they wear the same clothes, eat the same food, because that provides consistency."

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Managing Meltdowns Over Transitions and Losing

Children often experience meltdowns during transitions or when they lose, primarily because these situations disrupt their sense of control. Kirk advises parents to handle these moments with compassion and understanding.

Kirk Martin [17:24]: "Your goal is this, to be understanding of your child without giving in."

By recognizing the underlying emotions and providing supportive responses, parents can help children navigate their feelings without escalating conflicts.

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Encouraging Positive Traits

Kirk encourages parents to focus on the positive traits their children exhibit, such as precision and honesty, even when these traits manifest as challenging behaviors.

Kirk Martin [09:42]: "Instead of accusing your daughter of being rude and correcting her, you could say... honey, do you know that trait is going to help you accomplish amazing things in life?"

Acknowledging and reinforcing these positive attributes can transform challenging behaviors into strengths.

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Balancing Understanding with Boundaries

While empathy is crucial, Kirk emphasizes the importance of maintaining boundaries. Understanding a child's behavior does not mean giving in to all demands but rather balancing compassion with consistent boundaries.

Kirk Martin [17:24]: "You don't have to give in to all of his or her demands. But let's be understanding of the fact that a middle schooler is going through hormonal changes..."

This balance helps in fostering mutual respect and reduces the likelihood of power struggles.

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Practical Takeaways

1. Validate Emotions: Acknowledge and validate your child's feelings to help them feel understood.
2. Offer Controlled Choices: Provide tasks that allow your child to feel in control without overstepping boundaries.
3. Maintain Consistency: Establish predictable routines to reduce unnecessary stress and decision-making.
4. Encourage Positive Traits: Highlight and reinforce your child's strengths to build their self-esteem.
5. Balance Understanding with Boundaries: Be compassionate while maintaining clear and consistent boundaries.

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Conclusion

Kirk Martin wraps up the episode by encouraging parents to become students of their children's behaviors. By striving to understand the motivations behind challenging actions and responding with empathy and appropriate strategies, parents can foster a more harmonious and respectful relationship with their children.

Kirk Martin [12:14]: "Your homework this week, be a student of your child. Really try to understand what is driving your son or daughter's behavior."

He reiterates the importance of compassion, not just for the children but also for oneself, emphasizing that parenting is challenging but rewarding with the right approach.

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Additional Resources

For more personalized support, listeners are encouraged to reach out to Kirk Martin’s son, Casey, at [e-mail]. Additionally, parents can explore the Celebrate Calm offerings at www.celebratecalm.com for comprehensive tools and strategies to enhance their parenting journey.

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Note: This summary excludes all advertisements and non-content sections to focus solely on the valuable parenting insights shared by Kirk Martin in this episode.

Transcript

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[Kirk Martin]

So do you have a child who is bossy, who melts down over changes in plans, during transitions or when little things go wrong? Maybe your child acts like a sore loser when playing games, right? Or what about how many of you have those kids who collect little stones or acorns and put them in their pockets only to be found later banging around the dryer, right? Or maybe they wear the same clothes and eat the same foods, often simple carbs, Mac and cheese, chicken nuggets every day. Some of you have kids who say this all the time. That's not fair. And they'll follow you arguing their point until you finally relent, right? Or some of these kids have difficulty with executive functioning skills or maybe just following directions. And some of you have kids who have anxiety over new experiences. Well, if you have kids who struggle with these things, good, because all of these behaviors have basically the same root cause. And that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need help, reach out to our son Casey. He gets this because I basically just described him in the intro. He's just like your kids, but he is an awesome young man. Now his name is Casey C A S e [e-mail] Tell us about your family. Ages of the kids, what do you struggle with most? We get together as a family, discuss it, we reply back to you personally, usually with very, very quickly, with very practical strategies, because that's what we do. If you need help booking a live event so we can come to your town, contact Casey. Need help financially or with any of our products, just contact Casey. He's awesome. So your kids, most of them have very busy brains, right? It's always swirling with thoughts and ideas and their brains run really fast and it can be a little chaotic in there. And when you combine that with this fast paced kind of over scheduled lifestyle that we live, right, where we're going to school and then extracurriculars where an adult is constantly telling your kids what to do, well, guess what the result is? It feels like your kid's world is out of control. So what do most human beings do when we feel like things are out of control? Well, we try to control other people and situations.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

That's why you can't play board games with your kids. Because they're going to cheat, change the rules of the game or quit. Why? Because that guarantees the outcome of the game. It eliminates the unknowns and it means they won't be a loser. The issue isn't that they're a poor sport. It's that they aren't confident enough to try and fail and lose without feeling like a loser.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

They boss you and they boss their friends and siblings, right? Because it gives them a sense of control. It's why little things going wrong or changes in plans frustrate them and result in meltdown. See, when big things go wrong, that stimulates their brains and they can focus better. But if you don't do certain things the exact right way, it really messes with them.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Think about that. We use this example. Little kid makes a paper airplane, flies it. It doesn't fly exactly the way he pictured it was going to fly. So what does he do? Picks it up, stupid airplane. And he rips it up and he crumples up, throws it on the ground, right? And every good parent comes and says, oh honey, that was a good airplane. The child's like, no, it wasn't. If it was a good airplane, it would have flown well. And so the better thing to say is, if I were you, I'd be frustrated too. You put a lot of effort into making that airplane. You know what I love about you? This is really good. By the way. You know what I love about you? You're conscientious when you care about something you work hard at, you want it done well. And that plane didn't fly the right way, so totally get why you'd be frustrated. See, that's calming, that's validating. And now you're teaching him and reinforcing. Yeah. The reason you want to fly well is because you're conscientious. That's a great trait. Instead of going like, I don't know why you can't handle it when things don't go well. So if you say that to your kids, I hope the strong one says, you know what, Mom, Dad, I don't know why you can't handle when we don't do things the first time, why you can't handle that well, because they'll come back at you like that. So look, little kids collecting acorns in their pockets. Why? It's one small thing they have control of. Right? All day long, everybody else is telling me what to do and what not to do, where to line up, how to walk out and do everything. But this little acorn I can manipulate. I can manipulate these little things with my hands. I can put them in my mouth, in my ears, and ultimately in the washing machine. It's why kids like playing with their dolls and being the teacher. They feel out of control. They seek control. It's one of the reasons when kids are melting down. One of my first go tos is always give them something that feels like it's in their control. That's calming.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

They eat the same, they wear the same clothes, eat the same food, because that provides consistency. And if you really want to understand the benefit of this, it's kind of brilliant, right? Because I know exactly what I will be wearing and eating. I no longer have to devote my mental or emotional energy to those choices, which allows me to focus my energy on creative thinking, strategic thinking, pursuits that interest me. Right. If you start to understand this, you see how it makes sense and you can kind of validate it and you can work with it instead of it just driving you crazy all the time. By the way, your kids who wear the same clothes all the time, Good. Thank them. All you have to do is buy one hoodie sweatshirt every year or two and they'll just wear it every day. It saves you a ton of money. You don't have to wash the clothes. That's good for the environment and saves you more money. Thank your kids for some of these things. Stop being so rigid yourself. So they have a high need, this need for justice. Right? Because if something isn't right or fair. See, that creates gray areas, and it messes with that sense of order inside. So, look, this is kind of fun. 1. But sometimes in the midst of Casey arguing his point, I'd simply say, you know what? I think you're right about that. And then I'd walk away. Was he right? Not always. But I learned I don't go into courtroom courtrooms with little kids.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Or a teenager. And I used to remind all the camp kids, relationships are more important than being right. But I understand why they want to do that so I can have a little bit of compassion instead of thinking like, you're just a little jerk.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

And we get this one all the time. My daughter's rude because she constantly argues with and corrects me. If I say dinner will be ready in 10 minutes, she'll correct me and say, well, the timer actually says 8 minutes. How can I get her to stop being rude? My response? She's not being rude. She's being precise. Instead of constantly getting irritated with your kids, see the benefit of these traits, right? So instead of accusing your daughter of being rude and correcting her, you could say with an admittedly forced smile, honey, do you know that trait is going to help you accomplish amazing things in life? You know, I apologize because I've always assumed that you're trying to be rude. In fact, you're being precise. And that's a perfect quality to have if you want to be a surgeon, an architect, a dentist, an accountant, a builder, a veterinarian, a craftsman, and so many other professions. It means people will be able to count on you because you are direct and honest and specific. I wish I was more like that sometimes. How awesome would that be to say to your child instead of just getting frustrated with them all the time? And I know they're frustrating, right? But so are we.

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[Kirk Martin]

Little side note, by the way, I know to some of you mainly guys, this sounds like I'm making excuses for these kids and it's like oh everything. These kids were making excuses in our society. No, I know we over pathologize everything in our current culture, right? And that's why so many old people say, well, we didn't have these issues when we were kids. Why have two replies. That one is we also didn't have this artificially crazy fast paced life with pressure to perform back then. I don't remember all the pressure to do well in school from an early, early age. We did our schoolwork, but we played a lot, right? We were allowed to be kids. We wandered the neighborhood. We wandered outside of our neighborhood on bikes without helmets. We went places our parents didn't even know that we were going without supervision and we had ownership of our choices. Look, we were out all day. We came home at Dinner time. We weren't micromanaged all day. And the truth of us is, many of us did have these issues. It's just that nobody noticed because our parents were busy doing other things. And because we had all this other space, we figured out ways to deal with these issues, right? If our kids today grew up with the virtually unlimited freedom that we had to be outside playing, they'd be more like us. But if you and I had grown up, constricted, micromanaged, with screens in our hands, we'd be more like our kids, right? So let's do this one. What about a kid who bosses his or her siblings around, right? So your child bosses his or her siblings around because that's what people do when they feel like everything is out of their control. So when you hear your child begin doing this, you can firmly but kind of quietly in a low key way say, oh, honey, you know what? I just remembered I could really use your help doing X or Y. Come up with a few jobs or missions that your child feels in control of so they don't feel the need to control everyone else. Now, back in the day, we used to do these camps at our house and sometimes we do a camp after school so the kids come after school to do homework with us. Because parents would pay us anything to do homework with their kids, right? And so kids would walk into our house and start bossing me around. Now, my first instinct was, hey, you boss a little jerk. No wonder you don't have any friends. You're not going to come into my house and boss me around. I'm the boss of this home. I'm the authority figure. That's my first instinct. But then I learned, well, one, to control myself, to not react, to step back and think, okay, what's really going on here? What's the root of this? Because once I do that, I can find a solution. And so here's what I would end up saying to that child. Now, this is a longer version, right? You use more colloquial language to use words your child will understand. But I'm doing this as a teaching example, right? So I'd say this. So look, I get this. All day at school, teachers are bossing you around, right? Telling you exactly how to sit and stand and walk down the hall, when to pick up your pencil, when to stop talking. And it's chaotic at school because there are these loud bells that ring every 15 minutes in between classes. And there's kids running around outside at recess. And the cafeteria is overwhelming and loud. And I Bet that feels all out of your control, right? And then you come to my house and it's noisy because there's a bunch of kids here. And because everything seems out of your control, your natural instinct is to boss me or the other kids around. And you know how I know that? Because I'm the same exact way. When I'm not feeling well, when my body is out of order, so to speak. I get very particular about things because I crave that balance. By the way, we all do it. We all want homeostasis. We want to have this order and structure and this balance. So I'd say to the child, here's the deal. You don't have to boss me around because I've got everything under control here, right? But here's what I could use your help with. If you go to the basement, you're going to find a broom down there, and it's broken. Could you find some duct tape and see if you could fix that for me? Because that would really help me out. And before I'd even finished my sentence, the kid would be scrambling downstairs for the basement. Watch what was happening. I didn't tell him to stop being a bossy jerk. I didn't lecture him about people, how people don't like to be bossed around. And it's always much nicer to do, you know, stop. Stop those icky, patronizing lectures. I'm not picking on you, but those are patronizing lectures. When we start using this voice and we start talking to our children about integrity and about the thing, I don't like it either, right?

[Co-host]

I would.

[Kirk Martin]

I would shut my ear if you start that with me. I would not like it, and I would not listen to you, right? I didn't do that. I simply gave him an opportunity to be in control of one simple, stupid little thing in his world. One thing he could be successful at, one way he could help and feel successful. One thing he could feel proud of. He fixed a broom and it changed the afternoon, right? And when I was thinking about this, it does make me tear up a little bit, because I think of these kids and there's so much swirling around inside their heads, and they're so misunderstood. All day at school, you're being lazy. You're not applying yourself. You're being rude. And they hear all those things. They're like, that's not what's really happening inside of me. Why doesn't anybody understand? And all we know to do is tell them to stop and to give consequences for them. And so when you start to do this, I want you to have compassion, right? Compassion for your kids and compassion for yourself, right? This is hard work, moms and dads, it's not easy. Now look, this doesn't mean you have to be soft. It doesn't mean you make excuses for your kids behavior. I was doing a phone consultation last night with these parents and it kind of hit me and I said it this way, your goal is this, to be understanding of your child without giving in, right? So this was a teenager, a middle schooler, and I was like, look, you don't have to give in to all of his or her boy, all of his demands. But let's be understanding of the fact that a middle schooler is going through hormonal changes, right? Trying to figure out his place in the world. It was social, the social fabric, the social part of it and having friends is the most important thing in his life. He's now becoming independent from his parents. He's trying to figure out how to do that. There's a lot to navigate. So I can understand that, right? That for a 13 or 14 year old kid, it's one of the hardest times of your whole life. You're navigating, going from being the little kid to a young man or woman, that's hard. So I can be understanding of that without giving in to all of their demands, right? I'm simply trying to understand that my child, my spouse, my co worker, my neighbor isn't usually just being an irritating jerk on purpose. There's almost always something underneath the surface that's driving these behaviors. And so you don't have to give in, you don't have to make excuses. You're simply assuming the best about their intentions and that will lead to them being less defensive. It'll lead to them softening towards you and towards you having clarity to come up with a situation. And that's what changes things. So your homework this week, be a student of your child. Really try to understand what is driving your son or daughter's behavior. Then like we did here, give them tools to help them feel back in control. By the way, all the while you are demonstrating that you can control yourself. That's a huge win in your family. If we can help you with that, let us know. Talk to Casey, email him. He'll give you recommendations of what to do. Or if you want the easy thing, go to celebratecolm.com get the get everything package. Why? Because it has everything we've ever created and it's all very practical and it's concrete examples and you listen to that on an easy to listen to app, right? On your phone, your tablet, your computer, wherever you are, your spouse gets to listen to it. You can share it with your parents, you can share it with teachers, you can have your kids listen. By the way, I would have your kids listen either to some of these podcasts or to our programs. Put it on their little phone, their app, because they will start to feel very understood and you'll have amazing conversations with them when they're like, mom, dad, now I figured out why I do that. Will you help me figure out a way that I don't get in trouble or that I can navigate that? That would be super cool. If you want to talk to me, schedule a phone consultation. But mainly work on these principles this week. I believe you can make some progress. If we can help you, let us know. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Thanks for sharing with others. If you want to take some time to review it or just give it a five star so other people listen, we'd appreciate that as well. Hey, love you all. You're doing really hard work and I'm proud of you. You're listening to Tough podcasts and I challenge you all the time and I appreciate you sticking in there. Please know there's never any guilt or blame in any of this. I want to challenge you, but I also want to support you. So I'll talk to you later.