← Calm Parenting Podcast
Calm Parenting Podcast
Child Talks Back, Whines, Procrastinates, Makes Messes, Won't Listen, Acts Silly? Exact Scripts! #589
00:24:13
Loading summary
Transcript16 lines
- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Around this time of year, a lot of our kids kind of get stuck in school. They're just tired and shut down. So I encourage you to check out IXL to jumpstart your child's love for learning. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12, whether they're struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling. IXL uses engaging video tutorials and positive learning games that teach your kids the way they they learn best and give your kids control over how they learn and what they learn about. And you know our kids love that your kids can explore any topic in any grade level. Our kids thrive on positive feedback, and IXL consistently reinforces success. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at iexcel.com Kirk that's visit ixl.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So here's another awkward but fun moment. Hiking in Bryce Canyon, this nice couple stops us and says, hey, aren't you the Cozy Earth guy? And I laugh because I'm the Calm Parenting Podcast guy. But they've heard me say we live in our Cozy Earth. And we did have on our Cozy Earth bamboo shorts, socks, and a jogger shirt that day, which is no different than every other day. The awesome thing is, once you feel the heavenly comfort of Cozy Earth Bamboo draping you in luxurious comfort, you'll find yourself wearing the joggers and the clogs to run errands and meet with friends after the hike or a long day running your kids around. Nothing feels more soothing than slipping into Cozy Earth joggers and clogs. It's like getting a relaxing massage. Cozy Earth goes where your day goes. Head to cozierth.com use code CALM for for 20% off. Please mention that you heard about Cozy Earth from the Calm parenting guy. That's cozyearth.com calm or codecomm for 20% off
- [02:07]
Sponsor Announcer
this episode is brought to you by Framer. It's summertime, folks, and it's safe to say that people are going to be using up their vacation days as they should. But that doesn't mean your business needs to slow down. Framer is here to help get things done. At least when it comes to your website, they make building and updating your site a breeze. So even if your engineers are out catching some waves, your marketing team, or you can make the changes you need right away with Framer's tools make vacation time for everyone more enjoyable. Like plugins that can help connect tools you already use to your site and make your workflow seamless. You can get the work you need done so quickly you might even consider taking some time off yourself. Build a site the way you want, when you want with a website builder companies like Miro and Perplexity rely on. Learn how you can get more out of your.com from a framer specialist. Or get started building for free today@framer.com tcdaily for 30% off our Framer Pro annual plan. That's framer.com tcdaily for thirty percent off framer.com tcdaily Rules and restrictions may apply.
- [03:08]
Kirk Martin
So what does trigger you? Is it messes? Sibling fights? Kids not listening? Whining? Complaining? Tantrums? Silliness at bedtime? Kids talking back? Procrastination? Kids moving slowly when you need them to move more quickly could be all of these common things. Some parents say I spend hours making our home a peaceful, organized place to live, and within three minutes of getting home, all my work can be undone. That would trigger me as well. Here's one of mine I hate when my kids procrastinate. What sets you off? I want to give you specific action steps so you can preserve your sanity, overcome your triggers, and stop the reacting, yelling and lecturing. So so that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us@celebratecalm.com where we have our Mother's Day sale going on to honor the moms out there. So when I asked parents on our Instagram page what their biggest triggers were, here were common responses. Just the noise. The constant noise. Kids squabbling, being silly at bedtime. Not listening. This one why won't my kids just get with the program and move? For many type A parents like me, it's the dawdling and moving too slowly. Especially when we're trying to rush them because always cause them to go more slowly. It irritates us. Of course, many parents mention whining tantrums. Those are pretty common ones that trigger us. A lot of parents get triggered by messes. A mom wrote my trigger is the messes my kids leave. I don't need my house to stay overly spotless, but I need a decently tidy home like I need it for my sanity. I can go from 0 to 100 pretty fast when I walk through and see a trail of Mess. Picture this. Moms and dads school books out on the table, lunch plates, crumbs, snack wrappers, dirty clothes on the floors, one shoe in the hall, one in the entryway, blankets all over. And don't get me started with the kids bathrooms. Look mom, I want to pay someone to come and do a deep cleaning or organizing for you sometime. Here's another honest reply from a good mom. Messes trigger us to anger because we both grew up with lots of messes and clutter and it makes us frustrated. Ah, we've got some generational childhood things going on. So I'm going to use messes as the primary example in this episode. But then I will apply the actions steps to kids not listening. Sibling fights, kids talking back, whining, a tantrum, silliness, kids moving slowly. All those things because they all have similar roots and similar solutions. And if you follow this action plan, it will release you from so many triggers and so much frustration, anger and resentment. Partially because many of you are breaking generational patterns of reacting to these triggers and you're dealing with stuff from childhood that you learned from your parents. So number one, expect it. Normalize it. When you signed up for marriage, you forfeited your right to do what you want all the time. When you signed up to have kids, you forfeited the right to expect to have a non messy home, a quiet home, a home free of sibling fights and kids refusing to do exactly what you want. Just because your home is messy and noisy or your kids act out doesn't mean you're a bad parent or that you're doing anything wrong. This is all normal. So change your expectation of yourself and your kids. By the way, some of you have parents like mine that enforced all this stuff, but at the cost of our independence and your relationship. It's not worth it. Just know this is all normal. Number two. Next, I want you to take a bold action step and this is going to challenge you and you won't like me for this one. I want you to sit in it without fixing it yet. Practice this. Sit in the midst of the messes in your home. Physical messes, emotional messes, with relational messes. Look around. I'm not saying you're not going to do anything about it or remedy these things, but I implore you, encourage you, even dare you to do this one day. Just sit down in the midst of the mess, in the midst of the sibling squabbles, the kids silliness and noise, your child dawdling with, fixing it right away without lecturing or pushing or trying to make it better? Think about and even journal this first, identify what are you feeling in your body? Does your heart race a little bit? Do you feel short of breath? Does it give you a headache? Does it hurt your heart? Next, identify how this makes you feel inside. Why does this trigger you so much? Does it feel overwhelming to you? Do you feel guilty over letting it get out of control like this? Do you feel like you've somehow failed because your kids are slobby? They're not kind to each other? They don't move with urgency? They don't appreciate you? Do you fear your kids will grow up and be unable to be organized and live a chaotic life? That they will procrastinate and they'll miss out on opportunities? Do you have a fear like I just did that I messed up all those words, but I'm trusting that you understood what I said because I am practicing imperfection. I really want to rerecord that, but I'm purposefully not. I'm sitting in it without fixing it so I can model this. Is it just plain irritating because you work so hard for five hours to keep the house organized and then your kids come in and mess it up within five minutes? Or maybe a spouse does? Do you feel resentful toward your kids? Do you take the messes, the talking back, the sibling squabbles personally as disrespect toward you? Were you raised in a home that was messy and chaotic and used? So you fear you are replicating that negative pattern in your life? Did you grow up in a home where you were required to keep and you were required to keep it spotless and so now you feel the judgment of your parents? How could you let this happen to your home? Didn't we raise you better than this? Or maybe the one way you learned to get your mom or dad's affection or approval was to be clean and organized or to move quickly and to do exactly as you were told? Maybe you weren't allowed to be silly or noisy so it's deep inside you. Do you now sound like your mom or dad as you rant about the messes or kids procrastinating and fighting each other? Look, you're breaking generational patterns, so this is hard. But I want you to release yourself from these false expectations because otherwise you will drown in them and you will end up yelling and it'll hurt your relationships. So take some time to think through the origins of your triggers. If you need to work on this a bit, listen to the 3-9-2024 episode 3 Ways to Break Childhood Patterns and Reparent yourself it's actually March 9, 2025. Whole year has gone by. So then for the next few days, and this is days, not weeks or years, I want you to sit in the midst of the physical and emotional messes without fixing them. Make peace with this inside. It's not going to cause anyone to die. And don't give me that BS that if there's a fire, your kids won't be able to make it out of their room because they can make it out of their room if they want video games or food. Sit and normalize your breathing. And here's a bonus tip. When you do this, read a book or listen to some music while you were sitting in the midst of it. Because the rhythm of the music, the order of reading that book, or even doing a crossword puzzle, it'll help you want a short term win. Sit in the midst of it until it doesn't trigger you viscerally. It doesn't mean you don't want your kids to clean up their messes or stop being silly and squabbling. It just means it doesn't trigger you viscerally. Because when you get triggered, you tend to lecture, Yell, repeat yourself 14 times. And when you do that and it makes you sound and feel powerless and weak, right? And it caused you to complain and you try to bribe and plead and go on and on and eventually you just yell and nobody takes you seriously because it becomes this irrational drama you create. It's just like with regular discipline. I want you to do it in an even matter of fact manner. That's when your kids will take you and seriously. Otherwise they know this and they will have power over you. So sit in it. It'll still irritate you, but it won't just trigger you so much. Number three, Stop the drama. Stop giving this and your kids power over your emotions. Some of you constantly talk about these things to your friends. You are giving this power over you. I know you want to hit me right now, but it's true. Look, I'm with you. I'm a neat freak. I have a very high need for order on the outside because I struggle with anxiety and feeling a little disorderly in my brain. I'm also highly sensitive to noise. So when we had 1500 kids in our home, I had to wrestle with this and work really hard at it. So I like things to be quiet and in order. But the truth is you're giving this power over your emotions and over Your relationship with your child and yourself, and it's robbing from you. It's stealing from you. So resign from your job of always being upset about messes and sibling fights. You're not denying that it bothers you, but you are saying, I'm not going to be bothered by it anymore. Stop giving it energy and power to change your mood. I release you from having that power over me. This is somewhat related to this. At times in my life, I have been triggered by other human beings, sometimes justly and sometimes because I'm just a jerk. What releases me is doing something kind or thoughtful for them. So, look, they still bug me, but I'm not giving them power over me or my mood. Right? I'm taking back a little bit of control over that. So when I'm anxious about finances, I purposefully give to others to break that hold on me. It's like we do with our anxiety. When I'm in a rush, I purposefully slow down. I would bet that without even all the other tips we're going to go through, you will change 80% of the issue just by controlling and changing yourself. You don't have to react. You don't have to have to now, as you do this, have compassion on yourself, because some of these things come from trauma in your childhood. You had a chaotic family life growing up, and you swore you'd never allow that kind of chaos in your home. If things are not in order, it triggers feelings of trauma. And that's real. That's hard. But you still have to overcome that and make peace with it. Okay, step number four. Mrs. Kaub was so embarrassed. We were hiking in Teton national park, and this couple says, hey, you're that podcast guy. And it always makes me sheepish. But the guy asked, do you really get that excited about hungerroot? See, I don't want to discuss tough parenting issues on the trail, but I told him yes. That sous vide chicken and beef is unbelievably tender, juicy and fresh. Perfect portion size with amazing sauces. So I can make dinner. It's honestly more delicious than most restaurants with healthy ingredients at a fraction of the cost in less than 15 minutes with virtually no cleanup. It makes meal time fun without the stress. You're going to love Hungerroot as much as we do, so go to hungerroot.com calm use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm codecalm to get 40% off your first box hungeroot.com calm code calm and I'll see you on the
- [16:01]
Sponsor Announcer
trails with Verbo Care. Help is always ready before, during and after your stay. We've planned for the plot twists, so support is always available because a great trip starts with peace of mind.
- [16:20]
Kirk Martin
And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on
- [16:24]
Sponsor Announcer
car insurance with Liberty Mutual.
- [16:26]
Kirk Martin
Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show. Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?
- [16:33]
Sponsor Announcer
Oh, no.
- [16:34]
Kirk Martin
We help people customize and save on
- [16:35]
Sponsor Announcer
car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.
- [16:40]
Kirk Martin
Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.
- [16:41]
Sponsor Announcer
Anyways, get a'@libertymutual.com or with your local agent.
- [16:45]
Liberty, Liberty.
- [16:46]
Kirk Martin
Liberty. Liberty. What can you control in that moment? Because what gets us so triggered at times is when things feel like they're out of our control. So think about what you can control when this is bothering you so much because you can't always control other people or situations. So have a go to activity that brings you peace and a sense of order. Look, it's perfectly fine to clean the kitchen sink or organize a closet, complete a crossword puzzle, create or make something, listen to music. Look, when I get frustrated, I go right to my Excel spreadsheet. Why? Because I have control. I input numbers into there and it all adds up. It is so orderly. Because most of my day is handling really difficult questions that drain me emotionally. So I count things. That's another one for me. My steps, the amount of vertical hiking I have done, how many vertical feet we have hiked for the year. I love all that stuff. My receipts for business. I love all that stuff. Why? It's concrete, it's divisible, it's orderly. As opposed to all those hard questions or all the messes relationally and emotionally and physically that you're dealing with. I'll give you a weird tip. So when we had all those kids in our home, that constant noise ate away at my peace. So I began. I would kind of just gently ball up my fists and then I would bump them against my thighs. And I'm doing it right now in a rhythmic motion because what was happening was that rhythmic motion would counter the disorder of the discordant noise and I would focus more on. On that kind of vibration that's happening in my body rather than just being irritated because the kids couldn't keep quiet and they were always arguing. So what is one area in your home that can be a refuge for you. I'm not talking about disappearing for hours, but I almost just said, like, curl up in your cozy earth sheets and blankets. And I really don't mind that idea because you counter disorder with comfort. I'm actually wearing my cozy earth pullover right now. Why? Just because it's comforting, it's soft, and I'm in control of it. Okay, Number five. Be assertive and ask for help. If you have done too much for your kids and now you're resentful because they won't pick up messes or listen to you, then you can apologize to them for setting this expectation, and then you can begin asking, requiring them to do more. This is a really hard pattern to break, but it's crucial to do it. Some of you have a spouse who comes home and complains about the mess, the kids being loud. Look, in my experience, engineers, project managers, people in IT accountants, often struggle when there is disorder in the home. See, at work, everything is fairly organized. And if you're a supervisor, you can tell other people what to do. And most men and women have a much easier time at work because the office is usually organized and neat and colleagues, for the most part, aren't crying, screaming at you, wailing away on the floor and calling you stupid. See, at work, there's a comforting consistency. But when you walk through the front door of your home, there are legos on the floor, messes in the kitchen, kids are running around and making noise and. And that's hard because it messes with your own internal sense of and need for order. So you begin barking consequences or yelling or complaining about the disorder. But then the other spouse has to manage your emotions, the other spouse's emotions, and try to make everything just so. And that's not healthy or right or sustainable. So you may have to be very even, matter of fact and direct with this spouse. Hey, if this bothers you, then I need your help, not your complaints. And I'm not going to be the mediator between my spouse and children anymore. So here's exactly how you can help when you come home. And then lay out two to three very specific missions your spouse can carry out that would help you and connect with the kids. So here's a kind of a cool tip. If you struggle with this. Treat your kids. Talk to them like they're a colleague or a young person you're mentoring at work. Because at work we tend not to yell at, criticize, or demean them, right? If you do, you're kind of a jerk, right? We Pull them aside and say, hey, hey. The last project on that last project you did, that's not your best work because I've seen what you're capable of. Hey, why don't we grab lunch and I'll help you make some adjustments. You teach and you problem solve. You train them. You give them new skills and tools. So do this with your kids. One of the hardest things for some women is being assertive and speaking up for yourself. Especially when you've been dismissed or if you married a controlling man. It can be intimidating and hard. Some of you have always been passive, but this is the perfect opportunity to learn new skills, to break those old patterns and demonstrate that you respect yourself. Because people won't respect you if you don't respect yourself. So learn how to be assertive. I've gone through that before. Remember, being bossy is telling other people what they have to do. Being assertive is telling people what you're going to do. Being assertive is letting people know how they can help you. You okay? Number six, Let me give you a sneak preview of what we'll get into in the next episode by showing you how sitting will actually help some of the issues that drive you crazy. Now, if you have younger kids, they'll often feed off of each other's energy at bedtime. They'll begin to act silly or they'll just get plain wild. And if you get triggered, which is understandable because this is the time of day when you're exhausted and have had it and you just want them in bed so you can have some peace or time with your spouse or time alone to complete the 83 things that left right that are left to be done before collapsing yourself into bed. If you do that, you'll react and threaten the kids. You know what? If you guys don't stop right now, go to bed. No fun tomorrow, or we're not going to read our bedtime story. And now they may stop running wildly, but they'll start crying and melting down wildly. If you try to chase them down, they'll see it as a game and run faster. But I bet if you lie on the floor, just make sure your kids aren't going to jump on your head or back. But if you were to lie down and begin reading something or doing a puzzle or laughing with your spouse without giving the kids any energy, your kids will come and join you. See, by leading and controlling yourself, you change their behavior more quickly. It's really cool. Number seven, get perspective. Think what the messes and noise represent. Just do this for 15 seconds, sit on the stairs, quiet yourself, and look around you. What do these messes represent? Instead of just thinking, these messes represent your child's ingratitude and disrespect towards you or your failure to train them properly. Consider this as well. These messes and noise represent normal family life. There is life here. There are children here. You have a living, breathing home and family life. It's not a moral issue, it's just irritating. But it's not life altering. Picture your life 10, 15, 20 years from now. You will be thrilled when your kids are gone. At first, your house is going to be so clean and tidy. But then one day, you'll miss what that represents. You'll miss that teenager who just opens the fridge and stands there for way too long, letting the cold air out and then grabs something to eat and leaves the wrapper on the counter. You will one day miss that. Right now, it's just irritating. So, number eight, here is an option for perhaps a certain room or several rooms, and I really mean this. Just happily clean it. Just happily clean it up yourself while listening to music or a podcast and go about your day. No drama, no complaining, no talking to your friends about it. I'm not saying this is what I recommend. I'm saying it's a really good option for many of you. It alleviates your stress and drama and you get what you want. Cleanliness, order without lecturing or yelling. Now, you've got a neat home without any negative feelings, and you slip into your child's bedroom and tidy it up like the little cleaning elf, right? For five minutes. Don't say a word. Everyone's a little happier and it's just not worth the fight to go through everything else. By the way, if you need the dishwasher to be loaded a certain particular way, then just be the dishwasher loader and don't let anyone else near it. Just handle it. See, it's unfair to ask other people in your home to do what will never please please you. Because if they can't please you, then you have to relinquish that right to yell at them and then just do it yourself. You and everybody else will be much happier. Number nine, you could pay someone to clean up. It's an option. You could even hire. Watch. This is a weird one, but I guarantee if some of you do this, it is brilliant. Brilliant's a little too strong. It's a really cool idea. You could hire someone else's kid to clean up at your house. Hire someone else's kid who's like you yours, who won't even clean up at their own home, but they would be thrilled to help at your home because you're not their mom or dad. And then you don't have to pay a kid as much as you have to pay a professional cleaning service. Think about that one. Number 10 realize you are breaking generational patterns so your kids don't have to struggle with the same things when they have relationships. As you practice, and it is practice as you practice sitting in the midst of chaos and messes until they don't trigger you viscerally, you are modeling for your kids how to control yourself, how to overcome things that bother you. That is the best discipline you can give your kids modeling this because they are literally, literally watching you change right in front of them. And science tells us that you accomplish this by what? By repeated voluntary exposure to that which causes you anxiety. So practice it. Celebrate the fact that you are now 5% more comfortable with it than you were a couple days ago. And soon you'll be 15% and then 25% more comfortable. And if that means you stop reacting and yelling and lecturing 25% less, that's a huge win. If you have our programs, go through the 30 days to calm program first because it details how I went from being reactive dad to the calm guy in the get everything package. It's with the Mother's Day sale. In the next episode we're going to go through how to motivate your kids to clean up, to reduce the tantrums and whining and sibling squabbles so that they can handle their own physical, emotional and relational messes on their own so you don't have to follow them around taking responsibility for that. This is such a cool thing that you're doing and breaking these patterns for your kids. It relates to that idea. I really don't recent podcast about having a trigger board in your home. So let's do this. Moms and dads sit in it, don't fix it. Super proud of you. Thanks for sharing the podcast and we'll talk to you soon. Love you all. Bye bye.
- [29:09]
Sponsor Announcer
This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. November is Men's Health Awareness Month. So Talkspace wants guys to know that being prepared for life's biggest challenges and opportunities means priority prioritizing mental health too. Talkspace can help you go beyond fine tuned workouts, supplements and productivity hacks. Talkspace can help you fine tune your inner life so you can succeed in being the best version of yourself in any situation. And with Talkspace, you can get therapy from anywhere and on your time. You can even text your therapist between sessions. If you're depressed, stressed, struggling with a relationship, or just need a little extra one on one support, Talkspace is here for you. Plus, Talkspace takes most insurance and most insured members have a zero dollar copay. Men's Health Awareness Month is the perfect time to reach out to TalkSpace. Now. Get $80 off your first month with promo code space80 when you go to talkspace.com match with a licensed therapist today at talkspace.com and save $80 with code space80@talkspace.com that's talkspace.com, promo code space80.
- [30:10]
Okay, can I be honest? When you're pregnant, everyone, and I mean everyone, has an opinion on what you should buy. The thing experienced parents agree on a Nanit Smart Baby Video Monitor. You don't need separate products for video breathing, motion monitoring and figuring out sleep cycles at 3am Nanit has that all covered. One camera, one app, more peace of mind. Nanit tells you when baby's crying, standing or finally asleep. And video history catches all the cute moments you'll want to send to the group chat. You can check in on the app from anywhere, like book club or your own bed, which you'll be spending a lot of time in. Here's the best part. Thanks to personalized sleep insights and guidance, NANIT parents get 36 more nights of sleep per year, starting from night one. Add it to your registry or shop@nanit.com.