← Calm Parenting Podcast
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Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
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So many of you are going to have family get togethers this weekend all through the year. Some of you are about to go on a week long family vacation and that means your kids are going to be off their schedule. They're going to be exhausted and overwhelmed and they're going to have massive tantrums and meltdowns in front of your family members who have the perfect children and you're going to get judged. Doesn't it sound awesome? Look, I want to make this different. So this is a special kind of last minute bonus podcast episode for a couple special Instagram families about to dive into a week long family vacation. So forgive me if this isn't polished and I'm a little bit more blunt. Just roll with it. And you can also apply these principles to managing larger family issues throughout the year during get togethers. And just some of you have parents living with you, the grandparents are in the house. So look, you're probably equally excited about the family vacation with your relatives because everybody's going to be together and you're equally dreading family vacation because everybody's going to be together. See, at home you sometimes have to manage the emotions of your kids and spouse, which is hard enough, but now you have in laws and your own parents and siblings literally watching you parent a strong willed child who is at times unparentable. So on Top of that, vacations aren't always a vacation for some parents who take on extra responsibilities. You come home more exhausted, needing an actual vacation. So how can we manage this time better than we have in the past? Here are some ideas. I'm going to break it into three parts for handling your kids, handling that general time together, and then some talks and strategies you can use with your extended family. So let's talk about your kids. First. You've got kids who struggle with unknowns and unfamiliar things and they don't do well with that. So let's plan ahead. Look, I would pull up a layout of the vacation rental ahead of time so your child can look at it, see the floor plan, perhaps see which bedroom will be his or hers. You can pull up Google Maps and look at the surrounding area. Where are their favorite stores or fun places you can retreat to? Put your strong willed child in coming up with some alternative activities. Look up maybe there are movies or concerts in the park, some markets that they might want to go to, something that would interest them. Number two, our kids like doing more grown up activities and responsibilities. So would your child want to put together a grocery list, be responsible for being grandma's porter with the luggage? Maybe making signs for each bedroom with people's names on it because that provides a certain amount of order. They get to do something creative. Maybe it's cooking a meal one day, looking up jet ski rentals. Come up with, have them come up with a rainy day plan. Your kids like to plan ahead like that. They like to feel in control of things. Number three, this is really important and this isn't just vacation. But I think this is really good insight. Many of you have kids who will complain the entire vacation and then like all day every day. Then two weeks later when the grandparents maybe who didn't go on vacation, ask how vacation was. You will hear your strong willed child say that grandma, that was the best vacation ever. And you're going to be in the other room thinking, wait, what? All you did was complain the entire time. Here's what's going on. I did an Instagram post on this that garnered a lot of feedback, negative and positive. I want you to know this is not a gratitude issue. I am very clear about gratitude. It is a superpower in life and it is best taught simply by modeling, not by obnoxious lectures to give thanks and be grateful in the moment. No, you model. You live it. Let your kids see how you handle disappointment and adversity in life. But that's not what this is. About. This is about. Oh, by the way, I just, I hate those lectures. Kids, it's really important that you show gratitude for, eh, just live it out right. People don't want to be lectured about their attitude. And I just lectured you about yours and you didn't like that either. So this is about. This is what this is about. This is about kids who are verbally and emotionally very expressive. It's not an excuse for it. It's not like, oh, we just have to coddle our children. No, it's just understanding the way they're made. And when they encounter even a small disappointment, they vent immediately. And it's usually overblown. They catastrophize. Great. Now the whole day, whole week is going to be ruined. Do not correct them right away. Don't try to make it better. Don't try to explain it or convince them that everything's going to be okay. Because that's annoying. And look, this is annoying too. Your child's constant complaining when you're trying to do something very nice for them is annoying. But it's how they process emotions. And in some ways it's better than just bottling it all up and then. Not that all people who bottle up end up seeking drugs and alcohol for it, but sometimes that happens. Look, I know this because our son is the same way and he got that trait from me. He's one of the most grateful people I know. So it's not a gratitude issue. And I think this is good insight. Sometimes people like us catastrophize because we are setting and managing expectations. So when we say the whole day is going to be ruined and then it's not, well, then that's a win. So here are several different options for responding that don't involve a snotty lecture about gratitude or you trying to make everything better. One, you can simply ignore it and know it will pass. And that's a perfectly fine option. You could match their intensity. I would try some of these and see what resonates with your child. You know what? That really does stink when that happens. I hate when my plans get changed at the last minute. Sometimes that intense validation just feels good. They feel heard. There's something very magical about that at times. Now I like this one a lot. After school and on vacation, because some of your kids, after school, it's like, vent, vent, vent. So here's what I would say. Hey guys, here's what we are going to do. I am going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent. Now look, the Seven and a half minutes is for a reason. Look, that number is arbitrary. You can choose any time that you like. I just like it because it's between 5 and 10. It gives them enough time to vent, but it's not too long and it's very specific, which means there's a clear end to it. When you use specific time limits, it means you've thought it through, that you're serious. And the specificity is very grounding for kids because most of us have meltdowns and get upset when things feel like they're out of our control. Specificity in giving kids something specific to do, a specific time limit can be very grounding. So just tuck that in the back of your head. So, guys, child, I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent about everything that you don't like about your day at school or about this vacation. You can tell me everything and I will listen. But after seven and a half minutes is up, no more. Then we either move on or we problem solve how to fix things. Got it? See, you're giving them an opportunity to vent, but within your boundaries and with a clear endpoint. And then I would refuse to listen to any more venting after that. I just got it, you know, I'm done. I'm willing to problem solve right now. Now caveat is, look, if something super emotional happened at school or there's a big relationship issue, that's a true issue, then don't cut them off at seven and a half minutes. But if this is just venting, seven and a half is just fine. You have every right to say, hey, I like that you get your feelings and frustrations out, but not everyone wants to hear about it. And the world doesn't revolve around you. And by the way, I like saying that. That's not being snotty. You know, the whole world doesn't revolve around you. Not saying that. I'm just. Statement of fact, everything's not about you. World doesn't revolve around you. So if you're going to vent, come do it alone with me while we go for a walk, While we sit in our room, while you take a bath. Whatever it is, at some point I would ask this, hey, I'm curious. Are you really unhappy right now? Are you really this miserable? Or is this just how you process disappointment? Because it would be helpful if they knew that that's what they were doing instead of feeling like they were negative, ungrateful jerks all the time. By the way, quick anecdote A couple months ago, Casey texted me about this blood test he had to do, and it meant fasting overnight well into the next day. Plus, he couldn't drink water, even brush his teeth in the morning. And he was venting and catastrophizing. And I remember I was in the gym and my parental impulse was to say, you know what? I don't think it's going to be that bad. Why do we do that? Why do we need things to be better for them or have them not complain? And so I caught myself, because I try to live this out and I text it back, you know what? That really stinks. I'd hate that. And guess what? He was done. He just wanted someone to agree that it was going to be awful. And I did agree, because it was awful. But he lived through it. Number four. Okay, one more for your kids. When they are inevitably bored, do not own it or fix it or react to it. You can go old school and say, hey, if you're bored, we've got some cleaning we need some help with. But mainly I want you to put it in their court. Hey, you know what? Boredom stinks. So what are you going to do to solve your boredom issue? Don't try to make it better. Don't apologize. I. I like this as well. You know what? I believe you're capable of using your creativity and imagination to solve your boredom. Look, you can make a small suggestion. You know, I bet grandma could use some help with X right now. But don't own it. Don't try to fix it. I want them to learn how to do that. So let's geek out together for a minute over gut health, because I'm really into this. I just learned that prebiotics are the food that help fuel the growth of healthy bacteria. The probiotics, your gut. So you have to have both. And that's why AG1 helps my digestion, calms my stomach, and keeps me regular. Look, I've loved my morning AG1 routine for years, long before AG1 became a wonderful partner to the podcast. It's a quick, easy win because I start my day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients. I just don't have that stomach distress anymore where that bloating, you know, that kind of interferes with your day and puts you on edge. Plus, my weight is down. I've got energy for this hiking season. I'm drinking my Ag one right now while I'm recording this, and I think you should as well. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, which I love, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to be kind to your gut so we just moved into a new home with no landscaping, so we were thrilled to discover Fast Growing Trees. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. 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What I want you to know most of all is that it's your family. Do what is right for your child and your family. You are going to get judged and relatives are going to whisper behind your back anyway. So you may as well do what works for your family. Trust your instincts. Here's a good one. Plan time away from extended family. You have strong willed kids or who are not going to be on a normal sleep schedule. So they're going to be tired, they're going to be eating junk food all day, they're going to be overstimulated by older cousins and all the noise and chaos. So it's overwhelming and you know that leads to massive meltdowns and tantrums right in front of old school grandparents and your brother and sister in law who have perfect children. So plan alone time. Plan your escape. Plan time away during the day. Go your own way for a few hours, especially in the middle of the week. You know after a few days when everybody's getting on everybody's nerves. So you could do this, hey you know what, I'm going to run to the grocery store. Anybody need anything and then come back like four hours later after letting your kids play at a local park or sit and read or just have a quiet lunch with you somewhere fun. This has always been my go to because they always, everybody always needs something from the grocery store and it gives me an opportunity to be helpful and escape for a little while. By the way, dads, this doesn't mean you go alone for four hours. Take one of the kids. I know all these tricks. If you're at the beach, go for a long walk. If you have an ecologically minded kid, take trash bags and walk down the beach picking up trash. Well, but my parents paid for this vacation and I feel obligated to spend every minute together. Well, then you're just going to have to grow up and break that pattern. This is really hard. Right? They don't get to use guilt manipulation on you unless you allow it. And I know you've probably experienced this since you were a little kid, but you've got to break free of that. Look, they're grown adults and if they pay so they can control you, then I would pay your own way. Or just have that tough talk. And look, you can just be honest and open. Look, my kiddos are tired and overstimulated and so am I. So we're going to go out for a couple hours just to decompress. Anybody need anything while we're out? See you later this afternoon. That's just honesty. And then that gives the rest of the family time to talk behind your back, but at least you don't have to hear it. So this is what we did one year. It threw everyone into turmoil. We were having a great day at the beach. It was just a perfect day. And everybody was just. It was awesome. But everybody was beginning to pack up and head up to get ready for dinner. And I said, you know what? It's so relaxing. The weather's perfect. The kids are having such a good time. We're just going to stay at the beach for a few more hours and then we'll just snack on something later. And everyone said, that's a really great ideas idea. You guys enjoy your time. Yeah, that's not what happened. Everybody started making faces and grunting and whispering and talking about blah, blah, blah, right? So I just said, look, you guys go have an amazing time. We get one week per year at the beach and we want to take advantage of this. I did not offer for them to stay and eat subs on the beach with us because we wanted the alone time. Look, do that. This Year. It's your family time. And that way they could all enjoy dinner together, feeling superior to us and talking about us freely. And this, look, this is important. You will also begin to understand what it feels like to be the black sheep of the family, the one who is misunderstood, which is what your strong willed child feels like, right? And look, you're going to say, what about our families? Isn't that rude to change plans? Look, I'm not talking about missing grandpa's 75th birthday dinner. They're all grown adults. Stop managing the emotions of everybody else. Stop managing the happiness of the entire family. Because what happens when you try to control other people's moods and fix everything is you become miserable and that makes everybody else miserable. They're grown adults, right? You've been coddling them and walking on eggshells around them, trying to please them and not make them upset. Since you were a little kid for 35, 45 years and you may have married someone, you're doing the same thing. It's time to stop that pattern. And I'm not making light of it. This may be one of the hardest things you do in your life, to say no to your own parents because it's going to feel, especially those who are raised where it was like, oh, that's disrespectful. You have to honor your parents and that means be abused by them or manipulated by them. This is hard work. If you do have our programs, moms and dads go through the straight talk for moms or the dads program because we go through that and the 30 days to come in quite a bit of detail because it makes a look, it makes a big deal in your marriage because if one of the spouses is always giving in to his or her mom and dad just to make them happy, but at the expense of the spouse and the family, that causes real marriage issues. So let's take this time, this coming year and let's work on that because it'll liberate you and it'll liberate them. Otherwise you're going to sacrifice your children and teach your kids to be manipulated by the tantrums of other people. So it's time to draw a line in the literal sand. Guess what? You, if you do this, you'll have done the right thing for your family, model for the kids, how to have courage graciously and, and you or your kids, you're going to remember that day and evening on the beach for years. Look, here's another one. If your kids need a certain diet that works best for them. Bring your own food. If you have little kids who don't sit well at the table or have picky eaters, let them eat early and play while you all are enjoying your adult time at the table. Don't make it harder than it has to be. Don't give in to peer pressure. Be ruthless in trusting your instincts and knowing what works for your kids and your family. So watch. This is interesting. It's going to happen to you this week when you have those conflicting feelings inside of you between, oh, I know what my instincts are, but I've got guilt or pressure from relatives. Trust your gut instincts and do that. Okay, let's talk about this. Read the moment. There are going to be times when family is all together and you've told your kids something and you've given them a role or created some expectation and they're going to push back. I'll just make this about me, because this would happen to me. When Casey was little, I would find myself in this position where I knew what was going on. I had made a rule or declaration about something, but I knew Casey was tired or hungry or just not in a good emotional place. But I didn't want to back down because then I would appear to be a wuss in front of my brothers and parents. And then they'd say, see, you let that kid get away with too much. If you would just lay down the law, he wouldn't act up like this. And when Casey was little, before I developed some courage and wisdom, I'd give in to the peer pressure and the situation would predictably blow up massively in front of everyone. And then I finally matured a bit and I learned to read the moment. There are times to be tough and not give an inch, when you're relaxed and calm and patient, when your child isn't overwhelmed or overtired. And then there are times when you read the moment, say, you know what? This isn't the time to fall on my sword. I'm exhausted. I'm not patient. My child is tired. So I'm going to use wisdom. And maybe you have a secret code word or signal with your spouse planned ahead of time. So when you get in these tricky moments, you can look at each other for reassurance, have an exit strategy planned. Oh, honey, I just remembered. I could really use some help upstairs fixing something, opening something. Could you come upstairs and help me? And that could be either spouse asking the other spouse for help to get out of that situation, or the child too, for exit strategy. So Sometimes there's times when you're tough and times when you just need to get through the night and live to play. Play another day when everybody is more fresh. Okay, so how do we talk to family? You don't know owe anyone an explanation. That onus is on others to be gracious and supportive, not judgmental and unsupportive. You could be straightforward and say, look, I know our parenting looks different than what you guys did. I try to take what you did really well and also blend it with what works best with our strong willed child. And I know you have all repeatedly said, we'll just give them consequences, but we've done that the right way. And here she just simply doesn't care. And if they object to that, you can be snarky and combative if you wish. Some of you are like that. Roll with it. Being calm doesn't mean you're a doormat. And you don't have to be on the defensive. So look, family, if you want our family to be about correcting each other's behavior, I'm all in. Because you all don't respond to consequences. Mom, dad, you eat unhealthy food, you're overweight, even though there are dire consequences for that. Uncle Frank drinks way too much and Aunt Sally smokes. Plus, being judgmental takes years off your life. Look, some of these are just have fun conversations to have in your head or with your spouse to blow off steam. What I would really focus on is something constructive. Look, I know you guys love your grandkids, your nephew, your niece. If you really want to help us, here are concrete ways to help. Number one, your grandchild is really bright but struggles in school. And everyone only talks about school. But your grandchild is amazing at and fill in the blank. Seeing in three dimensions, building really cool things, seeing patterns, creating, drawing and writing their own music, building robots, understanding black holes and electromagnetic currents, whatever it is. Could you begin asking your grandchild about things they are curious about? Grandpa, you're really into X. Why not ask your grandson or granddaughter to come help you build or fix that? Because I'd really like you to see them shine doing what they love instead of just pointing out all the things they aren't good at. Number two, look, we could all use your wisdom. You guys have lived rich, long lives. Surely you have met some wildly successful adults and entrepreneurs who share the same traits as your grandchildren. Tell the stories about these interesting people and how they use their curiosity, their willingness to take risks. They were big dreamers. They were creators. Tell stories about them inspire your grandkids. Look, this is another snarky one, but they when family brings up school and grades, if your child doesn't excel in that area, redirect conversation to the robot your child built or someone they helped with their big heart. Right? If you want to be snarky when your relatives brag about their perfect child and bring up school to rub it in, you could reply with oh, how quaint that your child is able to sit still all day and follow people's arbitrary rules. Our son built a working robot, but memorizing rote facts is pretty special too, right? Now. Look, you don't have to say that, but it is fun to imagine at times three instead of trying to fix them. Look, I'd want your family to understand your kids and what makes them tick, what their strengths are, what their weaknesses are. So guys, if you really want to help, listen to these two specific episodes of this podcast. It doesn't have to be mine, just another one that you like, but it should be mine. Kidding. This guy explains what's going on in their brains really well. I think you'll find it interesting. And then share two episodes of this podcast or someone else's podcast that you found helpful. Ask your strong willed child to help the grandparents load the podcast app on their phones. Look, if you have our programs, simply email us with your relative's email address and we'll send them access to all the programs via the app. Or you can say mom and dad, you're always asking how you can help. Could you buy us this guy's programs? They're on a summer sale and it's way cheaper than therapy and then everybody in the family can listen. 4. What I want to focus on most is the connection part. Look, you guys only have so many years left and I'd love for our kids to have amazing memories of their time with you. Not feeling like grandma and grandpa never really liked them. I had to say that to my dad. So give grandparents and other specific ways they can engage with your child's gifts, talents and passions. Giving your kids missions so that your kids shine. Because look, maybe your kids, maybe one of your kids likes to cook and he helps Uncle Frank barbecue on the grill one night. Give them. Put your kids in a position to do those adult type jobs where they shine. Okay, so now replay this podcast episode out loud for everyone in your family to hear. What I really want is for you to be courageous and do what is right for your family. Eliminate the unknowns. Have your escape route plan, trust your instincts. Take some time alone. Put your kids in a position to shine. You can do this. Just let us know how we can help. Hey, much love from our family to yours. Have a good time on vacation and let us know how we can help.