Kirk Martin (0:00)

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

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Kirk Martin (1:20)

Do you have parents who criticize how you raise your own kids? Maybe they even correct you in front of your kids. Does this create division between you and your spouse? It probably does and this is really hard. So on this bonus episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I'm going to try to give you some scripts and ideas to use with reluctant, possibly overbearing grandparents. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help, reach out to our son Casey. C A s e y celebratecalm.com Tell us about your family, ages, the kids, what are they struggling with? We will get back to you, usually very quickly and personally because we want to help your family. That's our mission. So here's kind of our experience. My dad would visit us and wreak all kinds of havoc in our home. He directly discipline or yell at Casey and tell us what we were doing wrong. Worse, when I was at work and he was at home with my wife, he would give her a really hard time time and it created an inordinate amount of stress and then ultimately resentment. So I finally got up the courage to talk to my dad because if you're a guy and you're afraid to speak up to your mom or dad, then you're basically sacrificing your spouse and child out of fear and it's a very real fear. I'm not downplaying it. It was the hardest discussion I have ever had in my life because my dad was career military. He was intimidating.

Mrs. Calm (2:48)

He was the colonel.

Kirk Martin (2:50)

And I was taught to honor your father and mother, even though my father was abusive. And sometimes I use this joke. I hope it doesn't offend you, but kind of soften the tension of these situations. The joke I tell is kind of encourage wives to tell your husband, look, you've got a choice. You can choose to please your mommy or please me, but I have things you want that your mommy doesn't have. Again, take that as you will so many years before, because, look, I tell that story because in many cases, what I was dealing with is a husband whose mom was kind of overbearing, and he didn't want to displease his mom because that created all kinds of other issues or pleases or didn't want to speak up to his dad because it's really hard. But the point of that kind of little joke is for a wife to say that of like, hey, you're married to me, right? You chose me. You left your mom and dad to be with me. I have primacy here. I come first. So I was just doing kind of in a fun way that guy would get, which is pay attention, right? Who do you really want to please here? And the obvious answer is your wife. She comes first. So many years before I started Celebrate Calm, I went with my dad one day to Kerr Drugstore is off Highway 68 in Greensboro, North Carolina, where we were living at the time. I can remember where and when because it is seared into my memory. So my dad runs into the store to pick up a prescription, and when it came out, I finally summoned the courage to say this, dad, I want you to visit us. I want Casey to have a papa that he enjoys being with. So he always has good memories of his grandfather. But when you visit, you may not discipline or yell at him anymore. If you have a problem, you come to me and talk to me, because I'm his father and I will handle it. Now, I'd like to say that my dad handled this really well, respected my wishes and everything was great. But the truth is, he didn't visit us for two years after that. Now, guess who was really happy and relieved? My wife. Smart choice. By me. So, look, I'm older now. I've got some different ways of handling these situations with grandparents. So I hope your talk goes better than mine. But you're going to have to do this. So here are a few ideas. You don't have to do any or all of these. I'm just throwing these out. Look, Speak up for your spouse. This is an odd Valentine's Day gift to give to yourself actually, or your spouse. But it's one that your spouse will appreciate more than you know. Because meddling parents can cause a huge rift between spouses and huge anxiety in a single mom doing her best to raise a strong willed child. So I want you to speak up for yourself in a firm, confident, constructive way. Each situation is different, but here are some specific scripts and action steps you may find helpful. You can say all these things. You could say a couple of them. You can change these. But I put this under the heading of have the talk with the grandparents. Hey Mom, Dad. Or mom and dad. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for wanting the best for us and for your grandkids. We know that's what motivates you, even if it is a little judgment, right? Acknowledge that. Assume the best about their intentions. I know you love your grandchildren and and you want them to turn out well. And I know you want to help me. Thank you for doing a good job raising me. You did such a good job that I am now confident to raise my own child. It's okay that we differ on how to discipline. And I know you think I'm being too lenient with my strong willed child. Especially I'm asking you to respect how how I am doing this and even come alongside to help me. But that does not include criticizing me, criticizing me in front of the kids, or judging me. We did not tell you how to parent your kids. You should not tell us how to parent our kids. Respect us enough to do that. Mom and dad, you are older now. You did your job raising your kids. You did some things well and you made some mistakes. Well, give us the same opportunity to figure this out. We're going to make some mistakes. Also respect us enough to give us space to do that. You also raised us to be the people we are. You had your time, you raised us. You don't get to keep parenting us like this anymore either. You did a good job and we will do a good job or not. Now some perspective. You're getting older every day. You get one shot to be grandparents. If you continue to disrespect us, especially in front of the kids and in general, if you continue to treat us like children, you just won't get to be around your grandkids much. If you treat your grandkids like this. If you're constantly yelling, doing the things that my dad did, they simply won't like you. And that's a shame for them because every kid deserves to have a special Grammy or Pop pop or opa or Oma or grandma or grandpa. You get to have the easy part. Now you did the hard part of raising your kids. Let us do the hard work with this. You get to spoil the grandkids and buy them fun things and do special projects with them. Spend your last years laughing and creating sweet, meaningful memories with your grandkids. This is how they will remember you. Don't rob your grandkids of these memories. Otherwise when you die, you're going to die bitter and angry and alone. And I don't want that. So take your grandkids places, laugh with them. Buy them some things that we won't as a surprise. But you may never ever yell at them, correct them, or disagree with us as parents in front of the kids. Come tell us and we'll handle it. You won't always agree how we handle it and that's okay. You can't abide by these rules. Then you forfeit being with your grandkids. Now here are ways you can help me or help us. Because one of the things I want to do with grandparents is you can't just say like hey, you can't do that. Can't do that. Here's what you can do. We want your help. Listen, your grandson and it could be granddaughter, but I'm just going to keep this simple. Your grandchildren is really good at doing X and Y. He responds better to grown up adult type missions. He's curious about these different things. So ask your grandchild to help you with a specific project or mission. Doing something he or she is good at doing. You'll enjoy it. They'll enjoy it. You'll get to see your grandchild at his or her best. Instead of coming along and criticizing and complaining and correcting, create successes for your grandkids. Talk to this strong willed child like an adult about your experiences in life. Be curious about what they're interested in. Bond with your grandkids over these things. Take them to see an exhibition, to a ball game, to a museum. Send your grandkids videos or books about topics they're interested in. Go to a coffee shop and read. Do work, do homework with them. Be patient with your grandkids. Affirm all the good qualities you see. Look, your grandson already knows all the bad stuff because he hears that from teachers and us. Enough. He could really use a positive voice in his life. Someone who can see the good things and give him perspective. Look, tell him he reminds you of a guy you know who ended up doing some amazing, interesting things in life. Ask questions about technology. Let your grandkids teach you something. Enjoy them. So Mrs.