← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
So you have a child who gets moody and then disrespectful and you tell her that that attitude is not tolerated in your home. But she keeps coming at you. And you try staying calm but eventually everybody ends up yelling, you impose consequences and the relationship gets strained and then your child blames you for her attitude. How can you stop this vicious cycle? That is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help, reach out to our formerly moody, defiant son, Casey C A S e y@celebratecalm.com and tell us about your family. What are the ages of the kids? What are you struggling with most? We get together as a family, we discuss it, we reply back to you personally and usually very quickly with some concrete recommendations. Why? Because that's what we do. So this good mom and dad who emailed us about this situation were very descriptive of what happens in their home. And they wrote when she gets in these moods, she will blame us, but it is ultimately her initial outward defiance that starts the train down the track. And so my first thought was one very good for identifying this mom and dad. It's her initial outward defiance. And we're going to learn how to get to the root of the defiance. Because if you always react to outward behavior, whether that's lying, stealing, defiance, you're going to miss it almost every time. You're going to give a consequence for an outward behavior doesn't work. And they wrote, it's what starts the train down the track. And my first thought was, you have to divert the track because your child never will. That is your job. And do not stand in front of the steaming locomotive. Because I picture this, as parents, I used to do this all the time. You know, like in traditional, like in bull fighting, the bulls charging and the matador has the red cape. Well, if he wants to live, he holds the red cape to the side of him. But his parents, I used to just hold the red cape in front of me as a bullseye. Like, come on, Casey, just charge at me because I'm the authority figure and I'm going to charge right back at you. And I just always say this, I will put $1,000 on your 7 year old. Your 7 year old's going to own you. These kids are persistent and man, once they get something in their heads, they just go for it. And so I want to teach you a little strategy, a trick for how you can avoid getting run over by this locomotive. And at the end of the email, they said, how can we best end this behavior? And, you know, I'm excited about doing this podcast because I like the approach that we take to this. I think works so much better because it's not just about, well, we just need to change this behavior because it's not really the behavior that I'm after that I want to change. I want to teach kids how to actually control their own behavior, how they can actually change their own moods, how they can be responsible for themselves. So I want to get it, I really want to shift this out of this thing of like, what strategy do we use to get our child to stop doing X? It's not my goal right now. And on this podcast, I'm not even going to go through some of the other things that I would do with the moods because my focus is you change your response. So let's reset the scene and how we handle it because I really want to show you a different way. So here's what I responded to the parents. Number one, your daughter is 11. Look, it doesn't matter if you're dealing with, if you have a son, if you have a daughter, if they're 4 or they're 9 or they're 11 or 17, it doesn't matter. It's the same process. So you're dealing With a naturally strong willed child who has this. Look, our kids have this narrow margin for error in how things go in their lives, right. They're like, they, they're usually very tightly wound kids, right? And they have a vision of how things, how they want things to go. And then when it inevitably doesn't work out that way, they get really frustrated and then they lash out. And they will often blame you for something going wrong that you had nothing to deal to do with. Right? There's just like, you made that go wrong. You're like, I wasn't even in the room. I didn't even know what you were doing. That's very natural. So part of what we want to teach you is to understand these kids so you don't get defensive and take everything personally. Well, I can't believe she's gaslighting us. And by the way, stop using. You can use whatever you want. I'm not going to be controlling. I just hate nowadays it's like everybody gaslights, everybody's a narcissist. Not everybody, right. It's just natural human behavior that's happening here of she doesn't know how to control herself. So she's going to blame you. Your kids are going to do that. And if you try to address that and talk logically in these moments, it's never going to work and it's just going to escalate all the time. So your kids are particular. That's just how they are. And then you add into it real life stages. Right. So she's 11, boys and girls in middle school, they're going through some hormonal changes and even earlier than that, right. And maybe you're going through some changes in your life stage, know where you are. And so, you know, with these kids, I like for them to have a really healthy physical outlet if you can. The sensory issues are a big deal. So as much as you can, I want these kids playing sports, playing very physical things, swimming, gymnastics, martial arts, having things around their house like a tennis ball that they can roll under their feet, feet that feels so good. Or even in the car. Things like, you know, weird things, facial scrubs, things different kind of soap. That's all that has some texture to it. Don't overlook those things. They can be really calming for our kids. But that's for a different podcast. So we know what's going on. We know that she's strong willed. She's 11, she's going through some hormonal things. That's a given number two, when something goes wrong. With your kids, they immediately. It's usually little things. They're not happy. There's nothing new here. Right. I want you to realize these patterns. It's not like, oh, my gosh, my child is moody. It's like, they've been like that since they came out of the womb. So she comes at you emotionally and physically with a bad attitude. She's disrespectful, rude, and demanding. Again, none of that is new. We've seen it before. So, number three, you respond as most good parents would. You're firm and say, hey, this attitude will not be tolerated here. You even use the tone of voice that I've modeled and said, even matter of fact. But it's not going to work, and you're not doing anything wrong at all. And this is what I hope you can take from our podcasts and materials. You're not necessarily even doing anything wrong at all. Right. With. With a compliant or a different child, that would work perfectly. It's just that you're not even dealing with the real issue. You're hearing demanding, disrespectful, rude child, and that triggers you, as it should. And depending on how you were raised, it was like, oh, we didn't talk to our parents. I can't let her get away with this. So I'm going to respond, young lady, you are not going to talk to us that way here. And you're not doing anything wrong, but it doesn't work, and you're playing right into her hands. And let me do a little side note here. See, you're not even dealing with the real issue. Her attitude and disrespect. That's not the real issue. That's the outward manifestation of something inside that's frustrating her. It just comes out as attitude toward her parents. And until we break this cycle, it will always predictably spiral. You cannot talk to us like that young lady just did. Because that's what Casey said to me one time. Just did. Right? And you want to, like, in that moment, you want to almost murder your child. Don't do that. Right, right. But. But those feelings. I also want to normalize. I. Look, being calm is not really the end goal. It's a means to an end. And being calm doesn't mean you're Gandhi. Oh, things don't bother me anymore. Sure they bother you, because it's disrespectful language and you want to strangle that child. Be like, what are you thinking? Why would you talk to me that way? It's normal to feel that way. But I don't want to act on my feelings and my impulses because it doesn't work. Work. So what do we usually do? You know what? You are so rude. If you keep up. If you keep that up, you know what? You're not going to Sarah's house later. And then the consequences begin getting amped up. But she's so far gone emotionally. Watch the. This is the decision point, right? When it trips over. You know what? Keep that up. You're not going to Sarah's house. Fine. I don't even like Sarah anyway. And once you're at that point, you have to step to the side. You've got to take a different path, because otherwise, what happens every time, predictably, it just spirals out of control because in this moment, she cannot respond rationally. So she finally doubles down on everything, and the night is ruined. Fine. Sarah's stupid. I don't like her either. And then what are you left with? And then I noticed these parents. I said, you're playing right into her hands. Because your child kind of likes this for a couple reasons. One, when you react like this, your child gets a lot of emotional intensity during these times because you guys get upset. You put down your phone, and now 100% of your energy is focused on her. That's way more stimulating than doing some little task that you asked her to do. She also likes it because getting into an argument with you is a diversion from controlling herself, which is really hard. And now it's you that is out of control. So it does give her some leverage to blame you because you did escalate it. Look, there's. I'm not playing. Look, you're like, my daughter blames me. You blame me. I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying it's your fault. I'm kidding. I'm just saying you played into that, and I don't want you to play into that. Let's go through this really quickly. See, when your child. Right, I'm out of control. I did something stupid. I know that I just overreacted to a situation that I shouldn't have. It wasn't a big deal, but I'm already down that path. And now I'm yelling at my parents because I'm so frustrated that what didn't go wrong, and I don't know how to handle it. So you're the closest one to me, so I'm going to blame you, and I'm too far gone. And then I get met with. You know what? You need to stop talking to me like that. Well, now there's all this intensity and chaos going on. I'm doubling down. I can't control myself because I'm a kid. And so here's what the next best thing is for me right now is I'm just going to double down because I know my mom or dad or both, they're going to get out of control. So watch what I just did. Now it's no longer about my behavior, mom and dad, it's about yours. Because you're the grownups. At least I'm a kid. You're a grown up. You're out of control. And now you're yelling at me. Now I can use that as leverage to blame you. So does that make sense? It's really interesting. And again, it's not that you're doing something wrong, it's just that it doesn't work with a strong willed child is why I encourage, implore, plead with you. If you have our programs, go through the program on stopping power struggles with a strong willed child so you can understand this on a deep level. It's part of the calm parenting package. Just get it. So look, it doesn't work with a strong willed child, which is perfect because otherwise I'd be bored in life and I wouldn't get all your emails. So she comes at you with her predictable attitude and you respond predictably as good parents and it escalates.
- [14:01]
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- [15:12]
Kirk Martin
Be kind to your gut.
- [15:15]
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- [16:33]
Kirk Martin
Number four so what I want you to do in these situations is to slow down, calm yourself inside. Not her, just yourself. And instead of confronting this oncoming train, you sidestep. I want you to learn to step to the side. And then you approach your child from a different angle. Even physically. You move to a different place in the kitchen, right? A different angle emotionally for the guys who are listening, think about this. If you're or women who like football, you're a quarterback. You go back to pass. There are these huge men running at you to tackle you very hard. Now you're not going to stand there in their way. A good quarterback learns to slide up into the pocket. He creates a different angle toward his opposition. So if that analogy works for you, I'm really happy because I like football and I like that analogy. And so this is the most important part of the process. It's not about getting your daughter back down right now. It's about you making a conscious choice to see the situation differently, to lead her to a different place. See, in the calm parenting, we're leading our kids to contrition. Instead of demanding an apology, we're leading them to a different place emotionally rather than you need to change your behavior. And so then we can attack the issue. We can approach this on a deeper level. Here's the really, really good news and it's this this is completely in your control. See, you can do this. But think about this. If the resolution of this situation and encounter is dependent on immediately changing the mood, attitude and behavior of an intense child, then we have no hope. But this is within your control. So your job right here is to be the mature, not perfect, the mature grown up who breaks this vicious, predictable cycle. Instead of playing into it. She, your daughter. Your child is not going to break the cycle. You can and you are, because I believe in you. So you literally step away, walk a few steps to a different angle to buy some time to create some space to think and process and slow things down. Instead of reacting to what's going on outwardly, try to get to the root of it. Now, here are a couple of ways. I did this with 11 year old Casey because he was filled with attitude at 11 months. At 11 years. But he's an awesome young man. He's awesome kid like your kids are and will be. So I'd say, hey, Case, Listen, the last 43 times I've heard that tone in your voice, it's because you are anxious, frustrated or hungry. Those are his three triggers to this day. Look, you know talking to me like that only leads to you losing stuff. So if you want, instead, why don't you grab some chips, I'll grab the salsa, and I'll be happy to listen to you and figure out what's going on. I'll be glad to help you. Sometimes I would say, oh, you know, I just remembered I need to run to the store and pick up something. Hey, why don't you come along, we'll figure this out. Look, I'm going to go to the bathroom. Meet you in the car in five. So the tone is very even. A matter of fact, as you've heard me say, I'm not trying to shut him down in this situation. I'm also not being too sweet, remember? Oh, honey, you know when you talk to me like that, don't do the sweet talk, right? I'm just reading the situation. I'm providing clarity. Hey, I've seen this before. I've been around. I've got some wisdom to know what's going on. And so I know these are your triggers. So here are some different options. So I'm not trying to change him and I'm trying to fix him right now. Hey, cut that out or else. I'm providing clarity. I've reminded him concisely short and sweet without a lot of energy. Hey, this isn't going to work. My tone just goes to it's just not going to work. You're going to lose your stuff. It's not going to work. But my energy goes into problems. So, hey, if you want to do this instead. And I didn't tell him he had to. I gave him some ownership. Hey, if you want to do this instead, here's an opportunity. It's in his court. I didn't demand anything. I gave him options. I also gave him space to process. Hey, I'm going to run to the bathroom. I'm going to go get some water. I used some movement, and now we're going to meet on the deck to eat the chips and salsa. We're going to meet in the car to go for a ride. I'm changing the dynamic. I'm changing the angle at which I'm approaching because I'm not facing this raging bull head on with a cape. We're sitting next to each other. Our feet are up. We're sharing a snack. There are hundreds of options, and I want you to come up with your own routine, your own go to plan that you and your daughter, you and your son enjoy doing. Walking a dog, coloring, doing crafts. Let your daughter braid your hair, you braid hers, right? Because you're together. But you've changed the dynamic by leading her. And if she keeps coming after you. I could try a couple other things. You could go completely passive and adopt a straight, emotionless facial expression and just begin coloring. Drain your voice of energy. Look, I'm not impressed by this, and I'm not going to respond, but I will color with you for a few minutes if you want. It's an invitation to slow things down. But you're still together. You could also try giving her positive intensity. Honey, the truth is. Watch. This is kind of a cool one. Honey, the truth is, you should feel angry, po'd, frustrated that we won't let you have Snapchat. You're 11. Your job is to want everything your friends have. Our job is to say no to some of these things. So of course you're angry. Look, we've got two ways to handle this. One, we can yell at each other. You still won't get what you want, and you'll actually lose more stuff. And we'll be frustrated because we just yelled at the daughter we love more than you could possibly imagine. Or here's a different option. You can still be mad at us, but we can problem solve other ways. You can hang out with and connect with your friends after we take a little break. See, I like that a lot. Because you Know what I like partly about it is you've acknowledged you can still be mad at us. We've also read. We've read it. We've spoken truth. This is what we've done the last 43 times. We get angry. We all yell. You still don't get what you want. Or we can take a different path. See, you're engaged and you're giving her intensity. You're validating her feelings, which are legitimate. Your kid, right? Like saying that with a snap, of course you're going to be upset. That is so calming to say that. Of course it's normal. Look, I'm a realist with kids. I know what their job is. To push the limits all the time and get whatever they want. That's their job. Stop getting offended that they're actually just being kids. That's their job. It would be weird if they were like, you know what moment? We have too much already. You know what? We just need to be content and give gratitude daily for everything that you've done to sacrifice for us. If my child did that, I'd be like, you're up to something. That's manipulative, right? When they're adults, they can do that. But most of us even struggle with that. So I'm recognizing reality and you're offering another alternative, even though she won't like it. Look, there are 10 other ways to handle this and another in our programs, we get through. What are the ways to change a child and help a child who handle their own moods, control their own impulses? We go through that. But for the purpose of this podcast, I want to keep this very clear on this week. Let's practice this. Let's practice changing our own response. The common denominator is that you are the one who chooses to respond differently rather than hoping that your child does. Obviously, I love anticipating these moments. I've got other proactive plans to work off that energy. But this week, let's practice your response because it's really cool how that works. Listen, if we can help you in any way, reach out to Casey. C A S E Y. Celebrate calm dot com. Tell us about your family. What do you need? If you need help with our programs? I do. I want you to listen because it will change your family. Let your kids listen. In fact, there's a program called Straight Talk for Kids that Casey recorded specifically for kids to listen to. He teaches kids how to control their emotions and impulses and from a kid to another kid, so they actually listen. It's in the Calm Parenting Podcast or the get everything package. If you need help financially, ask Casey. We'll help you. Hey, we love you all. We appreciate how hard you work at this. We appreciate you sharing this podcast with other parents. And if we can help you, just let us know. Bye.