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Calm Parenting Podcast
Get Resistant Kids to Get Off Screens, Come to Dinner, Transition Without Fights #570
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So do you have kids who resist you when you try to get them moving? Sometimes they'll ignore you, they'll dawdle, they'll go more slowly. You call them to come for dinner, get ready to leave the house, and you hear this like, oh, five more minutes. Just give me a minute. And you know, it's not five minutes. Or you go to pick them up from a play date and your child cries or lashes out at you. That's always awesome in front of one of your friends. Or they just refuse to get out of the pool. What about this? Your kids are playing video games and you're trying to get them to move. That. That is a huge trigger for some of us and it's tough. So how can you get resistant kids moving or without a huge power struggle? I want to show you a tough approach, but an even better way that melts the resistance, changes your child's attitude, and actually turns power struggles into bonding opportunities. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Black Friday sale in march sale@celebratecalm.com, we're getting so much positive response to that. We're just going to keep doing it for a little bit. So. So quick shout out to my friend Lincoln in Duluth, Minnesota. He listens to the podcast with his dad and he's been helping his dad by cleaning out the litter box, something he doesn't like doing. And the deal was if he did that for a month, he'd get a big bag of Twizzlers. So I just sent him a five pound tub. So, Lincoln, I'm proud of you for stepping up and being responsible. Enjoy the Twizzlers. Try to make them last a little while. So here's the principle. We want to enter into our child's world and lead them back out. And this was prompted by a really good question from parents. Hey. Our strong willed child always negotiates shocker when we ask her to come in for dinner. Coming up with excuses to keep playing basketball. Now, here's my answer. First, we just discovered a huge clue about how to help your child with schoolwork. This is something we overlook to our detriment. So one of the first steps I always ask parents to do is simply observe your child. Your kids will tell you everything they need by what they do because they will very clearly show you how they learn best. If you watch and observe them, notice what they naturally gravitate toward doing. What homes them. If you have kids that like being in confined spaces where you do homework under the table or in a car or the garage in an attic, they can sleep in a sleeping bag in the closet or in a tent. And I can use confined spaces and sensory pressure to actually help calm them down. Look, this girl loves basketball. It's relaxing. So guess where I am going to quiz her about her math, facts, vocabulary words, and history questions. Guess where we're going to have tough talks? Right there on the driveway while shooting foul shots. I promise you, it will work so much better there. So everything your kids do is a clue. Observe, take notes, be curious, experiment. So here are a couple options for handling this with your daughter. Number one, you can double down on tough consequences. Hey, I'll give you seven more minutes. When this basketball buzzer or music goes off, you must be inside within 35 seconds. That's the shot clock limit in women's college basketball. You've got to be inside within 35 seconds. For every minute that you are late, you forfeit 15 minutes of play time tomorrow night. I like tough, firm discipline. As long as your expectations are crystal clear and your tone as matter of fact, no drama, no negotiation. You just do what you said you were going to do. You can try that route and it may work or it may devolve into more power struggles. And look, I wish I could just say, hey, if you're tough and firm like this, it'll work every time. It doesn't work that way with strong willed kids. So I like having a lot of tools in in my parenting toolbox. Now, my favorite strategy for this is different. I actually want to turn the power struggle into a bonding opportunity. So what if you went outside and did the following instead? Hey, Courtney, I love that you're outside playing. Because you're outside. All the other kids are in the neighborhood have their heads buried in screens. So thanks for not causing endless fights over screens. Hmm. See, that's kind of refreshing to hear from my parents instead of the lecture how I don't listen. I never follow directions. I always cause all these fights. Now I get to hear. I love that you're outside playing. Hey, Courtney, I admire your persistence and discipline in practicing foul shots to get better. Those qualities are going to serve you well in life. So say that now. I forbid you to say, well, if you would just do that with your school and chores, you'd be capable of so much more. No, you don't do that. You just affirm what they're already doing. Well, not what you want to change. I could stop the podcast right there and just say, go do that for a week and watch what happens. And then you turn that power struggle into a bonding moment and you shoot foul shots with your daughter. She likes to be competitive. You say, hey, let's shoot 20, see who gets more. You could play a game of horse laugh and play together. Not every time, but sometimes. And the principle is connection comes before compliance. Right? So then you can say in a low tone, hey, nice job on the court, hey, it's time to go in. While we're eating, why don't we talk about some different plays or strategies you can use in your next game? And this is why I call it entering in and leading out. You entered into her world to identify what is important to your child. You connected. It doesn't even have to take that long. That can take 2 minutes, 6 minutes, 7 minutes. But after you enter into your child's work world and connect, then you can lead them back out. And look, it's not about, I've talked about this. It's not about convincing your child. Threatening, bribing. You lead these strong will kids. Instead of yelling, you draw her into a conversation, breathe into that situation instead of fighting it, and you will not only get her to move, you will build amazing memories with your child and she will listen more. And I guarantee you this down the road, when this girl's a teenager, she's going to say, hey, mom or dad, hey, will you go shoot some foul shots with me? And that's code word for something's happening in my teen or tween drama life that I need some help with. And I don't want to just have a sit down talk looking you in the eyes. We can do it while we're casually shooting foul shots. I guarantee you that's what will happen. It is a beautiful thing. And so then when you need your daughter to listen, immediately, you'll be able to say, hey, tonight's a code red night, Courtney. We can't play because we need to go to your sister's soccer game, visit grandma in the hospital. But on the way there, why don't you tell me what you've learned in taking all these foul shots? Because I'm really impressed. See, you can do a mix where you say, hey, tonight's not that night. And see, even the tone of it is just, hey, tonight's not that night. And I like saying it's a code red night. Code red means, hey, we really need to move. Because you know what? You don't really have to move quickly every night. And so I want you to use, use these things with, with wisdom and not say like, well, every night's a hurry. You've got to always listen. No, not always, because they're not. And some nights are a green night, which means, you know what, why don't, instead of coming for dinner, why don't you just bring some snacks out and we'll just play out here together? Well, why wouldn't that be an awesome idea? And some nights are yellow, which means, hey, I've got three minutes to shoot. Okay, I'm going to give you three. Five will each do five shots. And some nights, hey, red night. We don't have time. We need to go. And so if you use this approach, you can stop the power struggles with all kinds of different issues. Now, what about a child who refuses to move when you pick them up from a friend's house or try to get them out of the pool? So I was doing this really hard hike today up Bear Mountain, and I noticed something seemed off. I forgot my cure hydrating electrolyte drink mix in my water when we're not hydrated. And something like 75% of Americans are dehydrated just from daily activities and stress, well, we feel more lethargic and we get headaches sometimes. So when I got back to the car, I could not wait to drink my cure. I know the signs could explain it better, but what we notice is that we feel more energized, more focused, and just healthier. Plus, we absolutely love the flavors. Cure is made with clean natural ingredients like coconut water powder and, and pink Himalayan salt with no added sugar or artificial sweeteners. Just clean natural hydration. And cure tastes as great as it makes you feel. Cure is offering our listeners 20% off your first order at cure hydration.com just use promo code CALM. That's cure hydration.com code CALM for 20% off your first order. You know your child better than anyone. So when something shifts, like they're suddenly anxious around meals, cutting out foods, los weight or their personality just feels different, something more serious may be going on. When eating disorders show up, they can completely hijack a child's brain. That moodiness, withdrawal, combative behavior. It isn't them, it's the illness. The good news is the earlier you get support, the easier recovery is. And that's why I want to reintroduce you to Equip. Equip is a fully virtual eating disorder treatment program that brings best in class evidence based care right to your home. Every family gets an entire team, a therapist, dietitian, medical provider and mentors who've been through this themselves. They're experts in treating all eating disorders, even lesser known ones like arfid. There's no wait list, it's covered by most insurance plans and you can talk to an expert right away to get answers. So if something in your gut is telling you to look deeper, listen to it. Visit Equip Health to get a free consultation with Equip. That's Equip Health. Calm. Casey and his wife just got an ottoman with storage inside from Wayfair.com it fits their decor perfectly, but I really think they got it so I can put my feet up and relax while they serve us dessert in the special dessert glasses. We conveniently bought them from Wayfair. Yeah, I know that's self serving, but to be fair, that espresso maker we bought them from Wayfair for Christmas has contributed to a lot of great moods for them. Our homes have completely different styles and layouts, but with Wayfair we can find multiple options for everything we need and it accommodates any budget. Spring has come early to the mountains out here, so we've already picked out outdoor furniture. Furniture because that means laughs, special memories and grilling out. Find furniture, decor and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair Every style, every Home so you allowed your child to stay an extra hour at their friend's house trying to be nice because this is a kid who complains and doesn't get enough time and and so you are being nice, but it compresses your evening timeline and we have an agenda because it's a school night so there's a lot to do. So you show up at your friend's house and you make some idle chit chat. But you are laser focused on getting your son home because you as a parent have 1800 things in your mind all at once. You know that if your child doesn't eat, he'll be crabby and won't go to bed on time and you know that showers after a long day are usually a fight, so you're anticipating that. And he's going to be wound up, which means a prolonged bedtime. And you're already tired and need the kids to go to sleep. And you have another child who's sick. And you didn't get to the store today. And your boss just texted about another project that is superseding the one you're working on after the kids go to bed. And then there are a thousand other things that just have to get done. So you walk in, and the first thing you hear from your son is not gratitude for the extra time. Instead, the child who you have sacrificed everything for is. Is not happy to see you. Oh, mom, why are you here? Just what you were hoping to hear from your beloved son. Get your shoes on, Devin. It's a school night. And right, we start in on that as if he's going to say right away, mother, I know you have dozens of items on your checklist, and I'm so very grateful you allowed me extra time to play with my best friend, so I'll move extra quickly. Yeah, it's not happening. He basically ignores you and yells, I don't know where my shoes are. As he runs off and yells excitedly to play with his friends some more. And your shoulders kind of slump because you don't have time for this. And you know how this ends. In threats under your breath. This is the last time you get to play with Jimmy on a school night. And look, you haven't done anything wrong. You're trying to be a good mom or dad. It's just hard. So let's try this next time. As you are driving over to Jimmy's house, do a little reset. Take even 30 seconds and reset your expectations. Slow down your world inside and imagine what is in your child's mind and heart as you drive to pick him up. Let go of your immediate agenda, right? To get the kid moving. Get home each hour, bedtime. And make this your agenda instead. To connect. Do that first, because if you connect first, your child will move more quickly. But if you rush in, leading with your anxiety, your child will resist you even more. And I know this is hard, and it's counterintuitive at first, like just about everything we teach you, and it's going to bug you. But after a while, the more you practice, the more it becomes second nature. So you walk in and say, with some enthusiasm, even if it's forced or fake, I don't care. Devin, did you have, like. Did you have like the best time ever here tonight with Jimmy. And your child's going to be excited. And you can say, what was the favorite thing you did? He's like, mom, dad, we jumped off the roof onto a trampoline and did a backflip into the pool. It was awesome. And you're like, well, I hope the Johnsons have good insurance. But whatever your child did, it's okay to fake like you think it was really cool and fun, but really enter into your child's world right now instead of trying to convince him to care about your world and your expectations and your agenda and your busyness because he's a kid. Your child's job is to have fun with friends. It's not to want to eat or shower or go to bed. Just recognize that that's reality. And once you have connected with some intensity like that, you can begin to lead your child out. Hey, on the way home, let's talk about some ideas for what you can do when Jimmy comes over to our house. And I know this will seem like, well, that takes a long time. No, it doesn't. It's way quicker than if you just walk in and snap your fingers like your child's going to be dressed and ready for you. It'll take much less time than trying to convince and bribe and threaten your child to get moving without all the embarrassment in front of the other parents. Now look, you have every right to set this expectation from the beginning. Hey, I am picking you up at 7pm sharp when I come to pick up. We will thank the Johnsons and leave within five minutes. Or. Or you will be waiting for me on the front steps with Jimmy when I swing by to pick you up. Or no more play dates. This is just how I roll. These are my terms. Look, I am perfectly fine with that if there is a reasonable chance it will work with your particular child. I'm just a realist and I know this would have never worked with Casey, no matter how calm, authoritative leader I was with my even matter of fact tone. There was a time when Casey had a best friend named Aaron. And when I picked him up at Aaron's house, I knew he had the best time ever. He didn't want to leave and he was too wound up and excited about what he'd just done there. So I used this approach instead and it bonded. You know what? I bonded with his friends too. It just. It was so good. And so I want you to get your agenda completely, but I want you to do it by entering in, leading your child out because that's how you accomplish it much more quickly. I also want you to realize moms and dads, most of your parenting agenda isn't really that important. It seems like it right now in the moment, but it just gives you some illusion of order and control. But it's not what you will remember and it's not why your child is going to be successful one day. What is important is that connection, which almost always gets kids moving more quickly. So I use the same process if I'm trying to get kids out of the pole or ocean be realized being in water is one of the most, most fun parts of childhood, so they're not ever going to want to get out. So you enter in. Not physically, unless you're really cool and you like jumping in with your clothes on, which would occasionally do that. But you enter in and lead them out. So let me cover this one. You call to your child to get off their video games and come to dinner or go somewhere. Expect to hear silence, expect them to ignore you or say, wait, hold on, I need to save it. Hold on just a few more minutes. And expect to be irritated by that. And so you can do a really tough approach. You've heard me say it in other podcasts of hey, if you don't come when I call you and ask, then you lose your video games, your screens for three days. Hey, I give you X amount of time and if you go over that time, you choose to forfeit them, that's perfectly fine to do. But I'll mix a soft and tough approach here because this is what I did with Casey. So sometimes I would walk reluctantly up to his room, irritated inside but suppressing that. So I didn't start World War 3 and I'd watch him playing a game like Call of Duty. And even though I hated video games and wanted him outside playing sports, I said, hey, that's actually pretty cool. I can see why you'd want to play this for hours. Look, our strong willed kids often feel so misunderstood and it's like all you ever want to do is this. Why do you hide behind your video games? And it's like we don't really understand the needs that are being met there sometimes. And it's like our agenda and checklist get in the way. And I was just reminded of something I'd encourage you to do this. A mom emailed and said, hey, we got all the programs with the Black Friday sale. We immediately let our two strong willed kids listen to the strong willed child program. And we asked them this. Listen to this program and tell us, do you ever feel like we misunderstand your motives? We want to know specifics. And she said we had the best discussions. And think about what she said. It's like we are discovering who our kids really are now, not who we wanted them to be. Now, that's gold. That will change your relationship and that will change behavior. So I encourage you to do that. Let your kids listen to our podcast. Let them listen to the programs and then ask them for their feedback. It's a discussion. So when I went to get my son off the video games, he was expecting the lecture and the threat. He was expecting my snotty tone and the negativity. Instead, I was curious about his world. And I remember him getting really excited, you know, not about chores or homework, but excited, telling me, dad, you should see this. They have recreated these World War II battlefields so it feels like you're, like, right there in 1945 in France. And so I began asking questions and leading him while we connected over this. And I have to say, this is what ultimately helped me get him off video games. Because what I realized was, man, he's playing video games because he gets to use his critical thinking skills and he gets to be sneaky and use strategy. He led other kids. He was kind of team captain. It was stimulating. There was a challenge. He felt like he had a control of something. And something we miss with video games is this confidence. See, confidence is not built by just us saying, like, hey, you're amazing. You're wonderful. It's by actually accomplishing something and being competent, competent at something. And many of our kids are not that competent in the kid world or at school, even though they're very bright and so they feel like they're dumb kids or bad kids. And when they play these games and they're on screens, sometimes it's the one place where they just thrive. And so instead of just dismissing that, and by the way, instead of just saying, look, this is where you thrive. Play eight hours a day. I didn't say that. I said, it's really important to enter into their world and discover that. And so I began asking questions. Say, hey, that's really cool. Let's talk more at dinner. And I can add something here and just say, hey, just know that if this isn't turned off in the next three minutes, you won't be playing again for three days. That's fair. You can do that. But see, I would connect and I'd say, oh, now I can understand why you'd want to play because it is a challenge you get. Use your strategic brain. Why are you so good at Call of Duty? See, I asked him a question about something he was interested in instead of just asking about school and his behavior. What makes you so good? We connected over that. Now to this day, look, this stuff lasts a long time. We trade off reading books about World War I and World War II. That bond has lasted a long time. So it's not just about getting bonding with your child. Remember, a lot of what modern day parents do really well is bond with their child. But sometimes we don't go that extra step and actually change behavior. But if you use this approach, we not only bond, but you change behavior because your kids will transition more quickly. So this week you are going to have opportunities to do this probably within a few hours. So practice this, make a note, write it on your send it to your email of like enter into my child's world and lead them back out. That's cool. If you want a couple hundred more ideas, take like that. Take advantage of the Black Friday sale. If we can help you in any way, let us know. Please subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss any of the podcasts. We appreciate you sharing it. And most of all, I say this every week. I respect you so much for leaning into this, to doing the really hard work to change yourself, break those generational patterns and create a new family tree. You are heroes to me and I just love that you guys are doing this and if we can help in any way, let us know. Okay? Love you all. We'll talk to you next time. Bye bye. Support for this podcast comes from Progressive, America's number one motorcycle insurer. Did you know riders who switch and save with Progressive save nearly $180 per year. That's a whole new pair of riding gloves and more. Quote today Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $178 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between October 2022 and September 2023. Potential savings will vary.