Get Your Kids to Listen Without Being Mean or Asking 12 Times

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary Title: Get Your Kids to Listen Without Being Mean or Asking 12 Times
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: March 17, 2024

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Introduction

In the latest episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host and Celebrate Calm founder, Kirk Martin, delves into effective strategies for parents struggling to get their children to listen without resorting to yelling, pleading, or repeating commands multiple times. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers practical, life-changing tools designed to foster cooperation and respect in parent-child relationships.

The Common Struggle: Repeating Requests and Escalation

Kirk begins by addressing a familiar scenario for many parents: the frustration of having to ask a child multiple times to perform a simple task, such as getting ready for the car. This repetitive cycle often leads to heightened frustration, power struggles, and damaged relationships. Kirk empathizes with listeners, acknowledging that most parents have been there without assigning blame or guilt.

“Do you ever feel like you have to ask your child 12 times just to do something simple like put your shoes on and get in the car? And then you rightfully get frustrated, you adopt a demanding tone and you trigger more resistance and then end up yelling.”
— Kirk Martin [01:20]

Strategy 1: Be Tough, Firm, and Direct

Kirk's first strategy emphasizes the importance of setting clear expectations and consequences in a firm, non-emotional manner. This approach involves communicating in a businesslike tone, asserting the importance of your time without being mean or personal.

“Here's how this is going to work. From now on, when I ask you to come get in the car, I expect you to come. My time is important. I'm not messing around with this.”
— Kirk Martin [02:26]

He advises parents to outline specific consequences for non-compliance, ensuring that these consequences are swift and consistent. By maintaining a promise and following through without displaying frustration or anger, parents can build trust and demonstrate reliability.

“For every minute you make me late, you forfeit 10 minutes of your screen time each night. Is that clear?”
— Kirk Martin [05:18]

Strategy 2: Connect Before You Command

The second strategy focuses on building a connection with your child to foster cooperation. Instead of escalating the situation with demands, Kirk recommends taking a moment to empathize and engage with your child’s feelings.

In a scenario where your child, Grace, is resistant to coming downstairs, Kirk suggests pausing and joining her to acknowledge her feelings:

“I know you're tired. I wouldn't want to go either. You know, I'm tired too. But here's what we're going to do.”
— Kirk Martin [10:52]

By spending an extra minute to connect, parents can defuse tension and create a cooperative dynamic, making it easier to guide the child without confrontation.

Strategy 3: Lead Your Kids Without Asking

Kirk’s third strategy is about leading rather than asking. Instead of framing activities as optional, parents should present them as planned events, thereby reducing the chance of resistance.

For instance, instead of saying, “Do you want to go to the park?”, which is likely to be met with a “No,” Kirk advises:

“Hey, guys, we're going to the park for 47 minutes.”
— Kirk Martin [13:44]

He emphasizes the importance of specificity and decisiveness, which help children understand expectations clearly and reduce opportunities for pushback.

“Specificity is really important because it means you're intentional, means you've got a game plan and it sticks in the brain and there's an end game.”
— Kirk Martin [14:14]

Furthermore, Kirk advises parents to remain steadfast despite initial complaints, trusting that once at the park, the children will enjoy the activity.

“Once you do that, they'll have a great time. Make it fun. Play, run, fall in the dirt. Let them be kids.”
— Kirk Martin [15:17]

Integrating the Strategies

Kirk concludes by encouraging parents to integrate all three strategies—being firm, connecting, and leading—to enhance their parenting toolkit. He highlights the importance of modeling these behaviors consistently to foster a respectful and cooperative household environment.

“Keep your promises by enforcing consequences without emotion or anger. Connect with your kids, see how they respond and lead your kids without reacting. This will get them to follow you.”
— Kirk Martin [16:00]

Final Thoughts

Throughout the episode, Kirk Martin emphasizes practical application, urging parents to choose specific situations to implement these strategies and observe the positive changes in their interactions. He also promotes additional resources available through the Calm Parenting Package and encourages listeners to reach out for personalized support.

“If you want more ideas, then just keep listening. If you need help with any of this, if you want to book a live event, be sure reach out to [e-mail].”
— Kirk Martin [16:44]

Conclusion

This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast offers valuable insights and actionable strategies for parents navigating the challenges of raising strong-willed children. Kirk Martin's balanced approach of firmness, empathy, and leadership provides a comprehensive framework for fostering respectful and cooperative relationships, ultimately transforming parenting experiences for the better.

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Connect with Celebrate Calm:
Website: www.celebratecalm.com
Email: [e-mail]

Transcript

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[Kirk Martin]

Do you ever feel like you have to ask your child 12 times just to do something simple like put your shoes on and get in the car? And then you rightfully get frustrated, you adopt a demanding tone and you trigger more resistance and then end up yelling. Well, of course you've experienced this and that's why we're going to address this with three specific strategies on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need help, reach out to our strong willed son who did struggle with these things. His name is Casey C A s e [e-mail] Tell us about your kids, ages of kids. What do you struggle with? We get together as a family, discuss it, we reply back to you personally and try to give you very practical tools. Because that's what we do. It's what we love to do. We want to help your family. So here's what I want to do. I want to give you three different ways to handle a common situation so you can get your kids to listen without being mean or begging them and pleading and asking 12 times.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

And you can apply these strategies to countless situations. But I want you to have lots of tools in your parenting tool belt, right? Because it's not like, well I have one discipline strategy and it works all the time. No, you got to have different tools for different situations. And that's also why I really want you to listen to the calm parenting package on the new app. Because you can listen right on your phone as much as you want. You just keep it on and it just really helps you because in the moment, you know exactly what to do. So here's the situation. You struggle to get your child in the car to go somewhere. And in previous episodes, I've detailed exactly what to do when that is related to anxiety. So I'm not covering that here, but it often plays out like this. You call out to your daughter, grace, come downstairs, honey. We need to go. Well, she doesn't move. Come on, honey, we're going to be late. As if she cares. She'd rather be really late. She doesn't want to go. Hey, Grace, did you hear me? Come on. I'm not going to tell you again. Well, that's a lie because you are going to tell her again, right? And then in a couple seconds, in an increasingly frustrated tone that never works and only escalates into a power struggle that, by the way, guarantees you're going to be late and it hurts your relationship. You will likely unleash threats, you'll yell, create a lot more drama. We've all been there. No big guilt, no blame. Let's just stop going there over and over again. So here are three different strategies to use and you can use all of these. Number one, I want you to learn how to be tough, firm and direct in a no nonsense manner. Because I like tough, firm, no nonsense. Discipline. I like, right. This clear setting of expectations and consequences delivered in an even matter of fact non emotional, businesslike tone that says, I mean business, not messing around here. So it may sound like this, hey, Grace, here. Here's how this is going to work. From now on, when I ask you to come get in the car, I expect you to come. My time is important. I'm not messing around with this. See, you get 30 minutes of screen time each day. And what I want you to know is that from now on, for every minute that you are late getting into the car, I promise you will choose to forfeit 10 minutes of your screen time each night. So if you're three minutes late, then you forfeit 30 minutes. Is that clear? The appropriate tone is this. I'm not joking. I'm not suggesting this. I'm not talking to you like this. I'm not asking you to please help me.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

The tone is, you don't have another option because My time is important and it is more important than yours. Don't mess with me here. Right, And I like that tone. I'm not messing around with this. And the consequence? Oh, it will be swift and it will be severe. Just not mean or personal. See, that's what's different. I'm not getting frustrated, angry, and taking it out on the child. I can have a severe and swift consequence without making it personal or being mean.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

I can say, look, test me. I will follow through on this no matter how much you whine, cry, complain. Because I keep my promises. And you can trust me. In the discipline program we have, we go through that of instead of just enforcing consequences, I keep my promises. So. See? I said I promise. For every minute you make me late, you forfeit 10 minutes of yours. So then when I follow through on that, I'm just keeping my promises so you can trust me. I want you to know this, moms and dads, there's nothing mean about this. I'm not making it personal. I'm not bringing up all of her past failures. You never come on time. You always make me late. See, watch those absolutes. The never, the always, because they doom your child to failure. I'm not physically or emotionally threatening her. You know what? I'm going to withhold my love and affection for you if you inconvenience me. Not at all. By the way, no sweet tone. Please stop with the really sweet tone because it sounds patronizing and weak. Sounds like, you know, honey, it's really important that you learn to respect people's time. Blah, blah, blah. They don't care.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

It's not the way that you teach these kids. You teach your child to respect your time because that's a priority and you respect your own time. The greatest way to get respect is to demonstrate self respect. No lecturing, no trying to convince.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Honey, when you're late, it makes me late for work and then my boss gets upset and then we won't be able to afford to pay our bills.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

You don't need to burden your child with this. And you're never going to convince your child. Instead, you lead your child right. This was inspired by really great mom who emailed this Kirk. It wasn't until I started listening to your stuff daily on the app that this tone finally sunk in for me. See, it's hard for me as a mom because my go to is to first be overly sweet and then when that doesn't work, I get snotty and harsh. And she said listening to your programs for hours helps. So I want you to do that, right? Because in between the sweetie, the lecturing, the convincing is me just being firm and direct.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

Practice, even firm. Matter of fact, it's really cool how it works. Number Two. Connect. See, connection often leads to greater compliance. So let's go back to that scene. Grace is upstairs in her room and you yell upstairs for her to come down and she doesn't. And you pause here because part of what we want to teach you is how to slow down your world inside so that instead of reacting and escalating very quickly, you learn to read the moment. See, in this situation, it's been a long week, she's tired, you are tired. So you take the extra minute and you walk up the stairs to her room, even though you don't feel like it and even though you shouldn't have to because other humans should just do what you say asap. I get that. But in this moment, you walk upstairs and you sit next to her and you say, I know you're tired. I wouldn't want to go either. You know, I'm tired too. But see, you say this with some energy. I have an idea for what we can do afterwards to celebrate our week together.

[AG1 User]

Or.

[Kirk Martin]

But I bet on the way there, I bet we could brainstorm a way to have your friend come for a sleepover this weekend. Or hey, but on the way there, I'd love to hear about X or Y or something your child's interested in. See, you don't have to bribe with a reward, but do connect. And you can empathize revolution, right? Without saying, I know you're tired, let's stay home. I don't have to do that. I know you're tired. I'm tired too. If I were you, I wouldn't want to go either. But here's what we're going to do. And I'd lead with a little bit of energy. But oftentimes what helps is that connection rather than barking, which you have the right to do as a parent. Right? But instead of barking from downstairs, you take the extra 60 seconds, you go upstairs, you sit and you spend a minute. So that take maybe two extra minutes, but it may have saved a 5, 10, 15, 2 hour fight that you have. Compliance is usually motivated or cooperation. Connection leads to compliance and cooperation. And it's just helpful. Number three option, lead your kids. This is really important, moms and dads. So let's use this as an example. I was on a recent phone consultation. A dad says, hey, I want to get my kids outside after school or else they kind of get sucked into screens. So here's what I want you not to do. Never ask this. Hey, kids, do you want to go to the park? Well, the answer is going to be no. 99% of the time. I don't want to expend any effort and go outside. I'd rather sit on these screens. Right, so once they say no, then you're going to want to lecture and convince your kids why they should want to go, how important it is to get fresh air and how fun it will be and so on. Stop.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Instead, lead them. Use it like an assumed clothes. You get your jacket on, you pack some snacks and then you lead. Hey, guys, we're going to the park for 47 minutes. And you say that confidently, matter of factly. You're not looking for their ascent, right? You're not looking for their agreement. You're not even looking for a good attitude because you're not going to get it. You're making a statement of fact. Hey, we're going to the park for 47 minutes. You don't have to ask for permission or get their buy in.

[Listener]

All right?

[Kirk Martin]

And you're also not going to get a great attitude. Look, I like saying we're going for 47 minutes. Specificity is really important because it means you're intentional, means you've got a game plan and it sticks in the brain and there's an end game. You're not saying, hey, let's go there for a while. That's too generic at times, right? So you say that and you begin walking to the park. But please know and be prepared for the following. Your kids are going to complain, so expect the pushback and the excuses and the whining of how it's too cold or too hot or I'm too tired or my legs are going to fall off.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Don't take it personally, girls. You know what? I'm trying to do something fun for you. And. And this is all I get. I don't see any other parents out here doing this. A little bit of gratitude would be nice. When we were kids. Look, I don't even want you to turn around and look at their sad little faces and try to reason with them or convince them or threaten them. And don't bring up your childhood.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Just makes you sound old. I just want you to keep walking, lead them. Because you know this. Once they do get to the park, they'll have a great time. Make it fun. Play, run, fall in the dirt. Let them be kids. Chase them, laugh. Get some sensory exercise and pressure on their bodies and enjoy this time. Because now you are being the leader of the home. Instead of hoping, your kids just love your amazing idea right now, I want you to try this too. If you want for fun, try leaving after exactly 47 minutes. Girls, 47 minutes is up. We need to go and they'll see if they complain about leaving because you can do that sometimes just for fun. So let's choose a situation today or this week and try one or more of these strategies I want you to get used to. Tough, even matter of fact tone. Learn that voice. It's one of the reasons if you get the spring sale or if you already have our programs, listen to them on the app because I model this again and again and again. How to do this and act like you mean it. Keep your promises by enforcing consequences without emotion or anger. Connect with your kids, see how they respond and lead your kids without reacting. This will get them to follow you. If you want more ideas, then just keep listening.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

If you need help with any of this, if you want to book a live event, be sure reach out to Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com thank you for listening to our podcast. I appreciate you rating it online so that more people get to see it. If you like our podcast, give it a five star. But most of all, I encourage you and appreciate you sharing it with other parents who are struggling. Why? Parenting's really hard. Parenting strong willed child is extremely difficult and we want to help. So thank you all. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye.